Credit to RandomDudeWhoDoesStuff for the inspiration of this battle. Link to the original is here
Special notes for specific characters:
Uzi: The actual fight was written in a Google Doc before Murder Drones EP 8, so nothing from that episode will be accounted for here.
SMG4: While both blooper and modern era are being accounted for, his real life variant will not be. Only in-universe SMG4 is going to be in this battle.
Description[]
In recent years, the world has seen a boom in indie content, from games to shows. One has to question, out of all these independent shows, which has the strongest characters? Join us in this little battle to see who would win out of 10 representatives, and welcome one and all, to the first episode of Battle Arena.
Interlude[]
Wiz: If you haven't noticed that the internet has recently been taken by storm by independent cartoons, then you must be living under a rock.
Boomstick: Most of these shows have shown success in finding a large audience, boosting them to notoriety among the cartoon industry.
Wiz: But yet, with all these incredible shows and incredible characters, nobody truly knows who would win in a fight?
Boomstick: So that's why we handpicked 10 different Web-Series characters, and will have them fight to the death, so we can finally answer the question of, “Who is truly the strongest web-series character?”
Wiz: Blitzø Buckzo, the founder of IMP, and Hell’s arrogant and very horny assassin from Helluva Boss!
Boomstick: Mordecai Heller, the sharpshooter for the Marigold from Lackadaisy!
Wiz: Bob Velseb, the cannibalistic serial killer from Spooky Month!
Boomstick: Tari, the gamer girl with an identity crisis from Meta Runner!
Wiz: Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch, the hard-boiled crime boss from Sunset Paradise!
Boomstick: SMG4, the meme guardian from SMG4!
Wiz: Uzi Doorman, the moody teenager with hidden corrupted powers from Murder Drones!
Boomstick: The Second Coming, the skillful and smart stick figure from Animator vs Animation!
Wiz: Computer, the main host and hero from The Daily Object Show!
Boomstick: And last but definitely least, Suction Cup Man, the professional nuisance to human life from the series of the same name! He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills, all to find out who would win a Death Battle!
Blitzø Buckzo has a hit on DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: Nowhere's as dangerous and chaotic as the 7 rings of Hell. Mobs are running around causing death wherever they go, deadly sins are taking advantage of their underlings, and rent is very high.
Boomstick: And last and very much least, an organization is killing humans for money!
Wiz: Better known as IMP, the Immediate Murder Professionals make it their duty to kill any living human who wronged a sinner down in Hell, for a little bit of money of course.
Boomstick: And the head of this organization is none other than Blitzø Buckzo, with the silent O.
Wiz: Blitzø is an acceptable leader for this company. Being extremely skilled with virtually any firearm, even the explosive ones, he is one imp you don't want to mess with.
Boomstick: That is, if he wasn't as dumb as a brick. Yep, this master assassin doesn't even know how to spell properly!
Wiz: Blitzø is prone to go into his jobs with very little care in the world, as he didn't even wear a disguise until Loona called him out in Episode 3.
Boomstick: But he has shown that he can risk that, as he rarely has any trouble dealing with a client, or really anyone for that matter.
Wiz: Although he did get help, Blitzø has been able to kill an army of D.H.O.R.K.S. agents, Loan Sharks, and has gone toe-to-toe with the likes of Striker and Robo-Fizz.
Boomstick: And it doesn't stop there! From crazed satanic families to his ex-girlfriend, his win-loss ratio is incredibly high.
Wiz: He has also shown some incredible feats of strength and durability. Being able to tolerate the pain of a gunshot for quite some time takes a lot of patience and pain tolerance.
Boomstick: He also fell from the top story of a hospital, and didn't even have a scratch on him!
Wiz: But as we've seen with his low-intelligence, he isn't without faults either.
Boomstick: He has a very shortsighted ego, and is constantly immature and disrespectful to his employees, especially Moxxie.
Wiz: And of course, his love for Stolas. Even though he tries to hide it, it's very obvious that he's in love with the prince.
Boomstick: Which makes for some funny as hell, and heartbreaking, moments!
Wiz: Despite all of his flaws and weaknesses though, Blitzø Buckzo will be sure to show how deadly of an assasin he truly is in this Death Battle.
"Now, who's ready to lick some ass?!"
Mordecai Heller takes aim in DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: During the Prohibition, everyone was trying to find ways to get a little bit of alcohol.
Boomstick: And most ended up creating illegal operations to get some of that delicious booze!
Wiz: Like the two rival gangs, the Marigold and the Lackadaisy.
Boomstick: And that's how our 2nd combatant, Mordecai Heller, makes his money. By being the sharpshooter for the Marigold.
Wiz: This cat is a very quick thinker and an expert marksmanship. Being very calm and collected, he prefers to get the job over with instead of going through a drawn out fight.
Boomstick: Which is why he got paired up with the 2 most rambunctious gunners the Marigold has to offer, Serafine and Nicodeme Savoy.
Wiz: Those two test his patience and standards with every operation, but he has managed to stay calm and not give in to their erratic behavior.
Boomstick: Instead he focuses on planning and outsmarting his opponent, rather than outgunning them. Such as the time where he counted the number of bullets Freckles shot out, allowing him to know when it was safe to attack.
Wiz: Being the reasonable member of the Marigold, Mordecai is often depicted as clever, calm, and most of all things, confident in himself.
Boomstick: So confident that he got surprised when he missed Rocky, who was in a speeding vehicle.
Wiz: He also seems to be a good leader, as he's somehow managed to keep the Savoy siblings in check during their mission to get Rocky.
Boomstick: Speaking of that mission, in the pilot we saw that he is fast enough to dodge medium-range pistol fire from Freckles.
Wiz: While he probably can't dodge close-range, that still takes some impressive speed to dodge a bullet at that range.
Boomstick: But at the end of the day, he's still a cat. And cats are terrified of water.
Wiz: Mordecai does seem to have a fear of water, or at least getting wet. While this most likely won't come into play in this battle, it is good to keep in the back of your mind.
Boomstick: Well, let's stop talking and see if curiosity is gonna kill this cat.
"Let's not prolong this, this is a trifling matter. We have other business to attend to."
Bob Velseb is drooling for a DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: Halloween, a time of tricks, treats, costumes, and childish glee.
Boomstick: Rarely is it ever a time for actual horrors, despite the theme of the holiday.
Wiz: Such as when the cannibalistic serial killer Bob Velseb escaped from prison, and started terrorizing the town.
Boomstick: Bob is one hell of a killer too, getting 8 confirmed kills in a span of only a week or two.
Wiz: Using his signature devil costume to blend into the crowd on the 31st, Bob Velseb roamed the streets of the unspecified town to hunt down and kill Lila, the person responsible for his arrest years prior.
Boomstick: And he would've succeeded, if not for the stinging pain of getting lemon juice in your eye.
Wiz: That, and the antics that Skid and Pump put him through all night.
Boomstick: Speaking of those two, they turned out to be his prime target. He made sure to stalk them, even almost killing an innocent man who just wanted to run a haunted house.
Wiz: Bob's first encounter with the kids was at the candy store, where he got distracted by candy before he could get to them.
Boomstick: Yeah, as it turns out he just has an insatiable hunger for really anything, even multi-month old food.
Wiz: After killing someone in the stall, he continued his pursuit of the kids. After terrorizing the two kids' bullies and stealing their candy, he went to go play "hide and seek" with Skid and Pump.
Boomstick: And of course, it just had to be in a butcher shop.
Wiz: Bob seems to love terrorizing his victims by sharing a fact with them, which usually relates to either cannibalism or meat production.
Boomstick: Bob Velseb also never crosses the street without looking, which led to him getting hit by a cop car.
Wiz: But that was not the end of Bob, as he managed to survive getting hit.
Boomstick: He also survived getting shot, multiple times.
Wiz: He only met his fate after getting run over 3 times back to back, and that's after he got shot.
Boomstick: You see, Bob has some kind of demonic artifact inside his chest that seems to give him his enhanced durability.
Wiz: But it doesn't make him immortal, not even close to it. As shown by his death, if he gets hit enough times he will eventually go down.
Boomstick: This cannibalistic serial killer might turn this battle a bit too dark for our taste, so here's to hoping he doesn't do that!
"Did you know, eating a human brain can give you a disease similar to mad cow?"
Tari is ready to play in DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: In the far future, the world is run by video games.
Boomstick: Sports have been replaced by Esports entirely, and the biggest celebrities are the best gamers.
Wiz: If you want to become one of these celebrities, you'll need to become a Meta Runner, and switch out your normal arm for a robotic gamer one.
Boomstick: And now that you have a sick Winter Soldier gamer arm, you can start your road to glory by deciding which major company you want to work for.
Wiz: Every Meta Runner goes through this process, all except one, our main protagonist Tari.
Boomstick: Tari just woke up in a lab with zero memories of who she was, and she found herself with a cool gamer arm!
Wiz: Tari, which stands for Turbo Artificial Rapid Intelligence, is an AI human created by Dr. James Sheridan to be the perfect Meta Runner. He called her the Blue Jay.
Boomstick: What makes her so special is that she actually is able to enter the games she plays, while every other Runner just gets enhanced speed and other crap.
Wiz: Tascorp CEO Derek Lucks took quick notice of her abilities and forcefully recruited her into his roster of Meta Runners. Under his company she met the likes of Belle Fontiere and Evelyn Claythorne.
Boomstick: And during one of her in-game adventures, she met the adorable Theo, an in-universe fictional character!
Wiz: She quickly befriended Theo and eventually somehow got him into the real world. After getting out of Tascorp, Tari and her friends tried to stop Derek Lucks, which they succeeded in doing later on in the show.
Boomstick: But let's talk about her cool as Hell arsenal, starting off with her... Pineapple mallet?
Wiz: The Pineapple mallet is her signature weapon coming from Ultra Jump Mania. In this battle, we will be giving her all of her weapons from the games, so she will have her mallet.
Boomstick: She gets a crap ton of guns from Battle Blaze, various swords from Hidden Heroes, and some pirate gear from Skybreakers!
Wiz: But what is by far her most useful weapons are the spells she got from Tempest. These spells give her a variety of powers, from super strength to shadow hands.
Boomstick: But sadly she isn't the type to fight, she'd much rather play with ducks instead.
Wiz: That's right, Tari is very shy for most of the series, but that doesn't stop her or her friends from defeating both Derek Lucks and Dr. James Sheridan.
Boomstick: Her friendly demeanor and caring attitude might get the best of her in this battle if she isn't careful enough of who she trusts.
Wiz: In this battle, her morals will be challenged, and so will her fight for survivial.
"When I think of a goal, or a task... I can see the path to complete it."
Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch is not yolking around in DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: Everybody has wanted a vacation at some point in their life, and Meggy Spletzer just so happened to get it.
Boomstick: She managed to get a ride to Post Aurora!
Wiz: But it turned out to be anything but a vacation, as not only did her luggage get stolen on her first day, but her vacation ended with her having to stop a century-old crime boss.
Boomstick: And that crime boss is our 5th combatant, Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch.
Wiz: Unlike his real-life counterpart, Benedict Cumbersnatch is a literal egg. More accurately, he's a human who was cursed into his egg-shaped body.
Boomstick: And now he wants to use the mighty Phoenix Egg to revert back to his original human form, and become the powerful crime lord he once was.
Wiz: But unfortunately for him, the inkling-turned-human Meggy and her new friend Auri Bori were there to stop his plans.
Boomstick: But he did almost succeed, as he's the kind of villain to pull the strings from the shadows instead of doing everything himself.
Wiz: Through using his Goonies and his goons he was able to become sheriff of Port Aurora and gain access to the Lighthouse, where he would be able to harness the power of he Phoenix Egg.
Boomstick: As an egg, he's not the best when it comes to mobility. That's why he usually has one of his Goonies carry him around in a basket. That is until the production of his Phoenix Throne was completed.
Wiz: The Phoenix Throne gives Benedict a whole new arsenal of tools, as it's not just a typical throne, it's a flying one.
Boomstick: Its main weapons are two missile launchers that seem to have infinite ammo, which we have decided to not think about too much. He also loves to slam into his enemies with it, which only works about half the time.
Wiz: But despite all of his various weapons and his brilliant mind, he wound up dead by the hands of himself and good old hallucinations.
Boomstick: His fear for the sheriff who cursed him is greater than reasonable thinking, that's definitely not gonna screw him over in this fight!
Wiz: Well, he is one of the only villains in this roster, so who knows how this battle will play out for him.
"As one leader to another, let me give you some advice. Strong leadership is all about providing strong motivation. Here's an example; If you boys don't kill that deputy, then I will kill you! See, you feel more motivated, right?"
SMG4 will spread the memes in DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: In the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario reigns supreme as the number one celebrity. Frequently saving the kingdom's monarch Princess Peach from the evil King Bowser, this plumber has shown that he is not someone to be messing with.
Boomstick: At least that's how it was supposed to go. But in this timeline, a chubby blue dumbass fell from the sky in a USB and screwed everything and everyone up!
Wiz: And that blue dumbass was none other than SuperMarioGlitchy4, better known as SMG4.
Boomstick: SMG4 is a self-proclaimed meme-lord and funny man who takes pride in his crappy internet videos, and he's also apparently a god.
Wiz: That's right, SMG4 is not your typical night-dwelling Youtuber, he is the 4th Super Meme Guardian. The Meme Guardians are a group of possibly godlike individuals who make sure the Meme Life Cycle isn't messed with.
Boomstick: Wait, the Meme Life Cycle? I knew this guy was dumb, but why is a goddamn meme man here?!
Wiz: That's a great question, Boomstick. Not only can SMG4 keep up with his world's Mario, who seems to have no limit on what he can do; but he also shows feats that can sometimes surpass said fat Italian.
Boomstick: Such as when he threw Mario into the Black Star with relative ease!
Wiz: Given Mario's weight, which has been said to weigh 55.56 million pounds, that means that SMG4 has basically infinite strength.
Boomstick: And if throwing Mario wasn't impressive enough, SMG4 freakin ran around with the plumber on his back for a bit!
Wiz: Speaking of running, SMG4's speed is just as unimaginable as his strength. With just one of his smaller feats of speed being when he dodged a 360-no scope from Mario.
Boomstick: When dancing around point-blank minigun fire is somehow not your most impressive feat of speed, you know you're way too busted for your own good!
Wiz: Considering he went to the sun in 4 seconds, he can move so fast that light speed is basically at turtle speed to him, and somehow that's still not his most insane feat.
Boomstick: Wait, I just read the script, and you're telling me that this chubby Memetuber is able to rub through multiple solar systems in freaking seconds!? Why is he in here, nobody else even stands a chance!
Wiz: That would be true, if his durability was incredible, which it is. Being able to nuclear explosions at ground zero, this chubby idiot is not going to go down without a fight.
Boomstick: And that's not even close to the biggest explosion he's been shown to survive, with that being a planet-destroying explosion!
Wiz: He's also mentally durable, as he is able to survive being the best friend of the extremely stupid Mario.
Boomstick: Insane strength, speed, and durability, does this guy have any weaknesses!?
Wiz: As a matter of fact he does! Having unusually low intelligence, SMG4 rarely plans things out and is prone to wing everything he does.
Boomstick: That, and the fact that he is just the biggest coward.
Wiz: Despite all of his insane abilities, SMG4 hates conflict and would rather settle everything with either a meme or a rap battle.
Boomstick: Are we finally finished with this god among men? I really want to get to the stick figure and moody teen.
Wiz: Sadly no, as SMG4 also has an incredibly varied arsenal, which he accesses from what seems to be his very own Hammerspace.
Boomstick: Bob-Ombs, AK-47s, magic wands, Mario power ups, and even a freaking tank!
Wiz: Not only does he have virtually every Mario power up, he also has a lot of creative weapons. For example, the Waluigi Launcher is where he takes out Waluigi, the actual living person, and fires rockets out of him. It's unknown how he's able to store Waluigi in Hammerspace, but I've learned to not question anything that he is able to do.
Boosmtick: He also has a Mario Head, which he is able to summon out of literally nowhere!
Wiz: And then he has the famous Super Saiyan, which seems to only buff his already busted stats.
Boomstick: WAIT HE CAN GO FREAKING SUPER SAIYAN!? WHO IS THIS GUY AND WHY DOES HE NEED TO HAVE ALL THIS CRAP!?
Wiz: There really isn't an answer to that one, he just seems to have all of these. So at the end of the day, this chubby memelord is not someone you want to be messing with, and he will definitely prove his might in this Death Battle.
"And then he told me to make a 40 minute movie, and I was like "A MOVIE!?". Then I went and cried for 10 hours."
Uzi Doorman wants DEATH BATTLE to bite her![]
Wiz: In the dark world of Murder Drones, humanity has been lost to time, and now their drones reign supreme.
Boomstick: But don't let common tropes fool you, as this time the drones aren't the ones responsible for humanity's downfall! Instead, the classic human mistake of accidentally overheating the planet's core which causes it to implode is what did them dirty. Classic humans, imploding planet cores.
Wiz: Now that that's out of the way, the former worker drones, who were just slaves to the humans, have now taken their place in society. The worker drones started families, started going to school, and got jobs.
Boomstick: And that's where our angsty drone teen Uzi Doorman comes into existence.
Wiz: Uzi was always an outcast in her class, and as she would later learn, she was far more different from everyone than they all would've thought.
Boomstick: Being an anime fan, Uzi likes to make everything as dramatic as possible. This led her to creating her "Sick as Hell" Railgun, which was made with the singular purpose of killing the disassembly drones that were murdering all the worker drones.
Wiz: She also has incredibly high intelligence, being able to hack into N and V's old buried memories, along with building her railgun by herself.
Boomstick: And of course, she has her AbsoluteSolver!
Wiz: Inheriting this virus-like power from her mother Nori, the AbsoluteSolver gives her powers like telekinesis, forcefields, and regeneration.
Boomstick: And she eventually learns how to create NULLs, which are basically mini black holes!
Wiz: Unfortunately for Uzi, these powers come at a cost. With everytime she uses it, the Solver slowly starts taking more control of her.
Boomstick: But she gets telekinesis powers, so it's a fair trade.
Wiz: She doesn't just get cool telekinesis powers, she also has a terrifying Zombie Drone form. This form gives her organic wings, an organic tail, and an insatiable thirst for worker drone oil.
Boomstick: That is, until she learned to control it only 2 episodes later! Yeah this show's pacing is very inconsistent.
Wiz: By Episode 7, Uzi has now shown that she has basically already mastered the AbsoluteSolver, and casually uses her Zombie Form.
Boomstick: But her anger can still get the best of her, as if she gets mad enough she will completely lose control and try to kill everyone as brutally as possible!
Wiz: She may be a angsty teenager with daddy issues, but she is definitely not to be underestimated.
"Woah, and they said pirating all that anime was useless."
The Second Coming prepares to draw in DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: We usually think that our animations are simply a product of our own creation, and have no mind of their own.
Boomstick: And that's why the Animator vs Animation series comes in to challenge that idea!
Wiz: In this world, the animations we create are living things, and some even have their own unique powers based on their name.
Boomstick: Such as the Chosen One, and his rival the Dark Lord, who destroyed their creator's computer.
Wiz: A few years later, Alan Becker decided to create an orange stick figure named The Second Coming.
Boomstick: Wait we're putting Jesus in this thing? What the hell?!
Wiz: No, we are not adding Jesus to this. The Second Coming is actually the second Chosen One, at least that's what we have been able to decipher from this series.
Boomstick: If you know anything about this series, you'll know that basically none of the characters ever talk.
Wiz: That doesn't mean Second Coming has no personality, as it's clear that he's a friendly and brave leader of the Fighting Stick Crew.
Boomstick: Quickly learning how to fight from his solid-headed friends, the Second Coming quickly showed them that he is a worthy opponent, even in a 4v1.
Wiz: Along with his fighting skill, the Second Coming has shown to be a master of the pencil tool. He has been shown to be able to create various firearms, melee weapons, and even other animations with the pencil tool.
Boomstick: And of course, his favorite hammer!
Wiz: Along with this pencil tool, he also has the Minecraft Icon, which gives him access to an unlimited supply of Minecraft items.
Boomstick: He's learned how to master the art of the diamond sword, along with being skilled in many of the game's other items like the fishing rod and bow.
Wiz: The Second Coming also seems to be a bit over his head, however. He's known to be a bit of a daredevil, best shown when he went toe-to-toe with the owner of the computer, the Dark Lord, and the mighty King Orange.
Boomstick: He did end up befriending both the owner and to an extent King Orange, but he straight up murdered the menacing Dark Lord.
Wiz: But he didn't defeat the Dark Lord with just his smarts and arsenal. Instead, he activated his hidden powers, known as Awakened.
Boomstick: When in Awakened, he gets awesome green glowing eyes, and is able to fly!
Wiz: Being able to move so fast he seems to be teleporting, heal from most injuries, manipulate his own energy, and has buffed durability and stamina.
Boomstick: And let's not forget his most powerful attack, his giant freaking laser beam!
Wiz: This laser is strong enough to split the ground in half, and when it ends it causes a massive explosion that was strong enough to absolutely obliterate the Dark Lord.
Boomstick: But like all great things in life, these powers are only available under extreme circumstances.
Wiz: The only appearance of Awakened so far was when he used it to kill the Dark Lord. Going by this, we've determined that Awakened only occurs either during a last-breath moment, or when he is too emotionally unstable.
Boomstick: Sadly, he doesn't remember anything at all when it comes to Awakened, which means he doesn't even know he has it!
Wiz: This stick figure's varied arsenal and abilities will definitely prove to be trouble for the other combatants, and he will try his best to win this Death Battle.
"You ended my friends. Now I will end you."
Computer wishes he was hosting DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: We don't normally think of objects as anything except, well, objects. But in the shows that make of the Object Show Community, living objects are the ones who fill our shoes.
Boomstick: And just like real life, in the OSC, there are way too many reality shows!
Wiz: Such as The Daily Object Show, where our 9th combatant comes from.
Boomstick: Computer is the main character and host of this show, and is the one who makes the ultimate sacrifice by the end of the series to kill off his evil clone, Evil Computer.
Wiz: Well, he was already dead, so he didn't really sacrifice much, but whatever.
Boomstick: I don't care what you say, it was epic and you know it.
Wiz: Moving on, Computer has shown a small yet interesting arsenal of powers. His most frequent power are his LEDs, which he uses to trap the eliminated contestants in.
Boomstick: He also combines the 3 LEDs to create a big one, then fire a massive white beam of light!
Wiz: He also has the ability to fly, which he doesn't use often, but he will on occasion for comedic effect. In fact, most of his abilities activate for comedic effect.
Boomstick: Like his teleportation powers, which are specific to only when someone calls his name.
Wiz: Or how he can create extra LEDs to store contestants in, at the dismay of the Tiny Tacos and Despacito Pill.
Boomstick: But his most useful power has to be his shield.
Wiz: He can create shields out of nowhere that surrounds his body. These shields are extremely durable, and when they break they launch anyone nearby far away.
Boomstick: And then he becomes a Super Object, which are basically the gods of his world!
Wiz: Yes, but due to that being very circumstantial it will not be counted in this battle.
Boomstick: Aww, you just gotta suck the fun out of everything.
Wiz: Although Computer is a literal cube with a face, his compassion, abilities, and quick thinking allow him to be one formidable foe, and the savior of his world.
"YOU. ARE. ELIMINATED!'
Suction Cup Man knows no bounds in DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: Everybody hates nuisances, and most people hate being that nuisance.
Boomstick: But not Suction Cup Man, look at him go!
Wiz: Suction Cup Man's sole purpose in life is being as insufferable as humanly possible. He does this by climbing on towers with suction cups.
Boomstick: That's basically the most we know about this guy, as the 4-part series he appears in gives us basically no information on his backstory.
Wiz: Even though we have little to no information on who he is, it does let us know everything else about him, a bit too much actually.
Boomstick: Such as that he loves to sing, even if his songs don't even count as songs.
Wiz: That brings us into his cocky attitude. One of Suction Cup Man's favorite things is mocking literally everyone he meets, whether that be a random business man or an actual judge.
Boomstick: This attitude has gotten him into many undesirable circumstances, like that time he went to Hell after badmouthing the previously mentioned business man!
Wiz: And what was his response to meeting the literal Devil, you ask? Well he decided to bully and make fun of him, that's what.
Boomstick: And then he freaking climbed out of Hell and got revived! That's right, this guy climbed out of freaking Hell!
Wiz: Considering he had to dodge some eye-lasers from Satan, he has very quick reaction time, but apparently not quick enough to dodge a car.
Boomstick: He loves using his guitar to annoy his enemies by "writing them a song." These songs are always nothing but him strumming his guitar and calling someone a bitch.
Wiz: Along with his guitar, he also has a harmonica, which he used to annoy the leader of North Korea Kim Jong Un.
Boomstick: Oh yeah, how could we forget that this guy disarmed a nuclear missile after it had already launched?! Silly Boomstick.
Wiz: Not only was he able to disarm it, but he also was able to stick to it the entire time, then efficiently unsucked his suction cups before the missile crashed.
Boomstick: But what would have happened if he didn't have his suction cups you may ask? Well, he'll just buy "non-climbing grade suction cups"!
Wiz: As shown in episode 4, he is willing to take extreme measures to ensure that he can still climb and annoy Business Dummy, even if he has to cover his body in adult toys to do so.
Boomstick: He even tried a vacuum cleaner for gods sake, a vacuum cleaner!
Wiz: But at the end of the day, he is still human, albeit a human who canonically can come back from Hell and survive drops from tall skyscrapers. But still, human.
"You can't kill Suction Cup Man, look at me go!"
Intermission[]
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set. We’ve run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
Pre-Fight[]
The audience stares at the arena, waiting in anticipation for the battle that is soon to come. The arena lights turn on, revealing a large grassy field filled with buildings, trees, and other various obstacles for the combatants to maneuver around while battling.
Inside one of the buildings, one of the combatants has just woken up.
Blitzø: Moxxie? Millie? Loona? Where the fuck are you guys?
Blitzø looks outside, and realizes he’s no longer in Hell.
Blitzø: What the fuck? How am I in the Human Realm? How the fuck did I even get here?
-
Meanwhile, another combatant has also woken up, this one being Mordecai Heller, the sharpshooter for the Marigold. Mordecai walks outside, and takes in his new surroundings.
Mordecai: Interesting, very interesting…
A girl with blue hair walks towards Mordecai, nervous and confused.
Tari: H-Hey, do you know what game this is?
Mordecai: Game? What do you mean game?
Tari then remembers that the in-game characters don't know they are purely fictional, and sighs.
Tari: Nevermind, I shouldn't have brought it up.
Mordecai leans against a building, intrigued by this strange organism standing before him.
Mordecai: Say, I've never seen anything like you before, what are you? And, if I may ask, what is your name?
Tari looks at Mordecai, a bit confused, before sighing again.
Tari: I-I'm a human, more accurately, a Meta Runner. And my name is Tari, what’s yours?
Mordecai: Name’s Mordecai Heller, pleasure to be meeting you.
?: Tari? Tari is that you?
Tari turns around and looks at the person who said that.
Tari: How do you know my name?
SMG4: What do you mean? We’re friends, we’ve been friends for a while! Anyway, jeez you have grown a lot since… Yesterday…
Tari: I'm sorry, but I don't remember you.
SMG4: What? You practically live with me! We go on adventures with the rest of the gang, how do you not remember that?
Tari: I-I'm sorry, I just don't know who you are…
SMG4 pauses for a few seconds, then falls to the ground as a transparent GIF of the Walter White Falling meme plays over his body.
?: Oh new friends! Say, new friends, would you like to participate in the next season of my show?
Mordecai hovers his hand over his revolver as he stares at the animated object walking towards them.
Tari: This game is really weird…
The figure looks at the group in front of him, very confused.
?: You're not objects, what are you people!?
Tari facepalms as Mordecai draws his revolver.
Mordecai: We should be asking the same thing to you.
Computer: I'm Computer, and I'm a computer.
Tari: How original of a name… This game was definitely made by underpaid workers.
Computer sits down, not really knowing what’s going on, but already accepting this as his new reality.
Computer: Anyways, would you fine folk be interested in being contestants for my show?
Mordecai narrows his eyes.
Mordecai: So you're the one who brought us here?
Computer: Oh no, I don't know where I am. I just want to host a show again.
Tari and SMG4 sit down and watch as Mordecai and Computer continue the conversation.
Mordecai: You're an odd creature, Computer. I can't figure out what your goal is, what you even are, and why you look like that.
Computer: HEY! That's kinda objectist, don't ya think?
Mordecai: Objectist? The hell does that mean?
Computer: It means that you judge someone based on the object that they are.
Mordecai: So… Racism?
Computer: What’s racism?
Mordecai just sighs.
Mordecai: You're an idiot…
-
Uzi Doorman wakes herself up, and looks around.
Uzi: The hell am I?
Uzi walks out of her room, and immediately realizes that she's no longer in her house, in fact, she's no longer on Copper-9.
Uzi: Wait, is this.. Earth? How did I end up on Earth?!
A strange figure walks towards her, a white hammer in hand.
Uzi draws her railgun and looks at the figure.
Uzi: Who the hell are you and why the hell am I here?!
The figure just stands there, and doesn't respond.
Uzi: Hello? Orange idiot, I'm talking to you!
The figure continues to just stand there silently.
Uzi: Ugh! You're no fun, are you? Fine, I'll go find everything out without you then! Bite me!
Uzi walks away, her angsty teen side taking full control. After a few minutes, Uzi spots a group of people up ahead, and runs towards them.
Uzi: Hey! Random dudes and dudettes!
Tari turns around and stares at the Worker Drone.
Tari: There's robots here? Ok, that's kinda cool, I like robots.
Uzi: Wait, you're a human?! So I am on Earth!
Mordecai looks at Tari, a confused expression on his face.
Mordecai: What is a robot, exactly?
Tari looks at Mordecai, dumbfounded.
Tari: How are there robots, and people who don't know that they exist? This game- I mean world is very confusing.
They suddenly hear screaming from above, and when they look up, they see Blitzø falling from his office.
Blitzø hits the ground hard, and picks himself up, then looks at the group.
Blitzø: The fuck you lookin at?
Computer: I like this guy.
Blitzø looks at Computer, then begins laughing.
Blitzø: HA! LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE THE DUMBEST LOOKING SINNER I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY GODDAMN LIFE!
Computer: Sinner? I'm an object!
Blitzø: Yes I know, I take one look at you and I know that you're the bottom of the fucking barrel when it comes to Sinners. You probably can't even live in Pentagram City, you're probably somewhere in the poorest part of Hell!
Computer: Hell? I'm very much alive, thank you very much!
Blitzø: Alive? HA! That's rich! You look like a fucking desk item!
Computer: Hey! Quit insultin my mother!
Blitzø: You have a mother? God, I feel bad for her ass if she had to give birth to you! Her pussy is still probably fucking soar from giving birth!
Mordecai points his gun at Blitzø.
Mordecai: Enough! Stop this bickering at once! It is in our best interest that we get along, and try to figure out why we are here, and where we are in the first place! We should NOT be fighting each other!
Blitzø rolls his eyes and groans.
Blitzø: Fine, but if I feel like it, I am going to kill this bastard.
Computer: I’d like to see you try!
Blitzø: Is that a fucking challenge? Well you're on bitch!
Blitzø pulls out his golden percussion pistol and aims at Computer, but stops himself from firing, as he hears odd noises from above. He looks up, and sees a man climbing his office building… With suction cups.
Blitzø: HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF MY BUILDING!
Suction Cup Man: NO FUCK YOU! I'M CLIMBING YOUR BUILDING, LOOK AT ME GO!
Blitzø shoots Suction Cup Man in the leg, but this doesn't manage to knock him down.
Suction Cup Man: OW! WHAT THE FUCK!? THAT HURT LIKE HELL, YA DICK!
Blitzø fires a few more times, hitting each of Suction Cup Man’s limbs, forcing him off the building. Suction Cup Man activates his parachute and floats down while yelling obscenities at Blitzø.
A figure appears above them, smiling.
Blitzø: Who the fuck are you supposed to be?
?: I am the one who brought you all here!
Uzi pulls out her railgun, Mordecai tenses up, Tari opens her window, and Blitzø aims at the mysterious figure.
Suction Cup Man doesn't even notice the figure, and punches Blitzø in the back of the head.
Blitzø: OW! ALRIGHT! WHOEVER DID THAT IS FUCKING DEAD!
Suction Cup Man: Dead? You can't kill me, I'm Suction Cup Man, look at me g- OW JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
Suction Cup Man quickly ducks under the bullets as Blitzø lets out a yell.
?: Ladies, ladies, calm down, the fight hasn't even begun yet!
SMG4: Fight? Wait, we're fighting? Ah crap!
?: Indeed SMG4, you are fighting! There are 10 of you in this arena, and only one will be able to leave alive!
Blitzø aims his gun at the figure, smiling.
Blitzø: And what’s stopping us from just killing you and leaving afterwards?
?: Nothing really, but the winner of the battle will get a trillion dollars, so there is that to consider in your decision.
Blitzø: A trillion? I could be rich! I could be fucking rich!
?: Indeed you could, in fact, everyone here could use a trillion dollars! So, who’s up for a little battle?
Tari: I-I don't really… Want to fight anyone… Could we maybe fight in a game tournament instead?
?: Ha! No, no no no, the audience wants blood and death, and who am I to deny them their wishes?
Uzi: Audience? There's people watching us?
?: Yep!
Uzi: Heh, cool…
Blitzø smiles and aims his gun backwards at Suction Cup Man.
Blitzø: I know who I'm killing first bitches! I advise you all to run away, or you're next motherfuckers!
?: Now that's the spirit, Blitzo!
Blitzø: The O is silent, asshole!
The figure laughs and begins floating away.
?: You have 60 seconds until the battle will begin! Good luck, you're gonna need it!
Mordecai: Wait, you said there are 10 of us. Well, I only see 7 of us here, so where's the other 3?
Uzi: I think I met one of the missing ones earlier, they were a weird orange thing.
?: That was the Second Coming, and he is one of the combatants in this arena! And don't worry, the other two will show themselves soon! Now, I will leave you to prepare, but in 60 seconds, the battle begins! Adios!
And just like that, the figure vanishes in a puff of smoke.
The combatants all look at each other, and then run in opposite directions from each other, wanting to get as far away from everyone else as possible.
Fight![]
10 Combatants Remain
Uzi runs into her room and closes the door behind her, breathing heavily.
Uzi: Holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap!
She then feels something touch her shoulder, and when she turns to see who it is, she realizes it's none other than that orange guy she saw earlier, or as the mysterious figure referred to it as, The Second Coming.
Uzi jumps back and aims her railgun at the stickman.
Uzi: Back off, or I will shoot, I swear I will shoot you!
The Second Coming doesn't respond (Because he can't) and takes a step forward, but not in a threatening manner.
Uzi takes a step back.
Uzi: I will shoot, don't mess with me! I'm an angsty teen with daddy issues!
The Second Coming continues to stand there.
Uzi: Alright, you've given me no choice…
Uzi pulls the trigger as the railgun begins charging up.
The Second Coming pulls out the Pencil tool and quickly draws a shield to deflect the blast, sending it flying into the IMP tower.
Uzi: H-How the hell!?
The Second Coming draws a sword and slices at Uzi, knocking the railgun out of her hands. He then slams his shield into her head, knocking her to the ground.
Uzi’s screen glitches as the Second Coming points his sword at her head. Suddenly, the AbsoluteSolver symbol appears over her left eye, and she begins laughing as the railgun gets lifted into the air and gets slammed into the Second Coming, knocking him off balance.
Uzi gets up and grabs the railgun, then uses the Solver to lift the Second Coming into the air and begin repeatedly slamming him into the ground and wall, all while laughing like a maniac.
The Second Coming begins panicking, and then draws a whip and wraps it around Uzi’s leg, pulling forward and causing her to fall to the ground, releasing him from Solver’s grasp. He then gets up and begins running away.
Uzi groans and sits up, holding her head.
Uzi: Ow…
-
While Uzi was fighting the Second Coming, Blitzø was in his office, grabbing his green dagger and laughing. A few moments later, the imp hears suction noises outside his window. He smiles, and then kicks the window open, looking down at Suction Cup Man.
Blitzø: Ready for round 2, eh?
Suction Cup Man: FUCK YOU! THIS IS A TOWER, AND I WILL CLIMB IT! THAT'S WHAT I DO!
Blitzø: Ha, it's your funeral anyway!
Suction Cup Man: You can't kill me, I'm Suction Cup Man!
Blitzø’s eyes widen as he sees a green beam of energy heading straight for him and the building.
Blitzø: Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh sh-
Blitzø ducks for cover, leaving Suction Cup Man very confused.
Suction Cup Man: Hey! Get back here you dick! I wasn't finished talking!
And then the blast hits the tower, obliterating most of the top floors, along with Suction Cup Man. Once the light dims down, the bottom half of Suction Cup Man's legs fall off the tower and tumble all the way to the ground.
After a few moments, Blitzø gets up from his hiding spot and looks at the decimated office.
Blitzø: Ah fuck this! Now I gotta get Moxxie to clean all this when I'm back in Hell!
Suction Cup Man has been eliminated
9 combatants remain
-
Tari hides in a bush, terrified.
Tari: Deep breaths, deep breaths. This is just a game, why am I so scared? I'll just have Masa or Lamar get me out of here.
She opens the Meta Runner window and begins typing on it, sending a message to Masa.
Tari: Now I just need to wait…
About 2 minutes pass, and Tari hasn't gotten a response yet.
Tari: They… Might be asleep! Yeah, that might be it! Heh, they definitely wouldn't abandon me, nope, not at all!
She then notices a large shadow looming over her, and lets out a shriek. She scrambles forward, and turns around nervously.
?: Hello little lady, are you lost, perhaps?
Tari: W-W-Who are you? What do you want with me?! P-Please don't hurt me!
?: Say, wanna hear a fascinating fact?
Tari: S-Sure, just, please don't hurt me!
The large man bends down, and is now only a foot away from Tari. He begins drooling as he states the fact.
?: Did you know, eating a human brain can give you a disease similar to mad cow?
Tari crawls back a bit, now terrified of this man even more.
Tari: W-What? How.. Why do you know that..?
The man laughs as he pulls out his knife and knife sharpener, and begins sharpening his knife as he takes a step forwards.
Tari: Sir! P-Please don't hurt me! I mean you no harm! Let's just... Be friends!
The man laughs, amused by Tari’s suggestion.
Tari: L-Let's start with names! I-I'm Tari, and uhh, who are you?
Bob: I'm Bob Velseb, and you, you are dinner…
Tari’s eyes widen, and a few moments later, her fight or flight responses kick in, and she gets up and begins running away.
Bob laughs and gives chase as he raises his knife and knife sharpener above his head.
Tari: L-Leave me alone! I don't want to be eaten!
Tari turns a corner and dives into a bush, then covers her mouth so Bob can't hear her breathing.
Bob turns the corner and grins while sharpening his knife.
Bob: Come out, come out, wherever you are…
Tari gets an idea, and uses her console to summon her Pineapple Hammer, which gets the attention of Bob.
Bob smiles and lunges at Tari, who rolls out of the way and slams the hammer into the cannibal’s stomach, knocking him on his back. She then begins running away again, this time managing to fully escape Bob Velseb.
Bob gets up and lets out a sigh, before putting his knife and sharpener away, and begins searching for some new prey.
-
Blitzø walks into the center area, looking for a target.
Blitzø: Where the fuck is everybody?
He continues walking through the area, before suddenly hearing a revolver being reloaded, then gunshots. The imp manages to dodge the shots, and laughs.
Blitzø: Try aiming next time dumbass!
?: Next time, try observing your surroundings more carefully.
Blitzø chuckles and pulls out his golden pistol and aims at the figure.
Blitzø: Ah, you're that cat guy I saw earlier, aren't you? The annoying bitch who interrupted me and that Computer fucker from fighting? That was a dick move by the way, real dick move.
Mordecai: At the time, the most logical answer was to NOT kill each other. I see now that I heavily misunderstood our current circumstances.
Blitzø: Yeah, you could say that. Anyway, DANCE BITCH!
Blitzø begins laughing as he fires at Mordecai, who rolls out of the way and shoots Blitzø in the leg.
Blitzø: AGH! A NEW HOLE!
Mordecai smirks and shoots Blitzø in the leg a few more times, forcing the demon to the ground. He then walks over and points his revolver at Blitzø’s head.
Mordecai: I'm sorry, but your time is up, Blitzo.
Blitzø: The O is silent asshole!
Blitzø then kicks Mordecai in the balls, causing him to drop his revolver on reflex and crouch down in pain. The imp laughs, picks up Mordecai’s revolver, and points it at his head.
Blitzø: You made many, many, MANY mistakes. But for the sake of simplicity, the most obvious one was that you picked a gunfight with a literal fucking demon from hell.
Blitzø then fires, shooting the cat through the head. He chuckles to himself as Mordecai’s body falls to the ground.
Blitzø: Alrighty then, off to go kill some more bitches!
Mordecai Heller has been eliminated
8 Combatants remain.
-
SMG4 runs into his room and begins searching through his Box of Memes.
SMG4: Come on, anything to help with a fight!
He continues throwing different memes away, many of which get thrown out the window.
SMG4 smiles and pulls out a spinning fish.
SMG4: Ah! There it is! This can surely help me!
-
Computer walks into a room, and immediately gets punched in the face by Tari.
Computer: Ow! What the hell!?
Tari: SORRY! I'm so sorry, please forgive me!
Computer takes a step back and prepares to blast Tari, but realizes that she reacted out of instinct, and calms down.
Computer: It's fine…
Tari lets out a sigh of relief, before leaning her head back against the wall.
Computer: I'm guessing you're hiding here as well?
Tari: Yeah, some big scary red guy tried to eat me…
Computer: Eat you? That sounds terrifying!
Tari: I-It was… And to make things worse, Masa and Lamar aren't answering me, so I'm not even sure if I can get out of here safely.
Computer: I mean, the guy did say we would have to kill to get out… Wait… If we have to kill, then why am I just talking to you?!
Tari’s eyes widen as she stands up and begins walking backwards.
Tari: No no please don't hurt me!
Computer: Don't worry, I won't… Yet… But, I do propose an alliance. You clearly aren't gonna be able to survive very long, I mean, you're the biggest coward I've met in my whole life! So, if we work together, maybe we could convince whoever’s running this to let us both out?
Tari: That… Sounds like a good plan… Just, please don't backstab me!
Computer laughs.
Computer: Don't worry, I won't, you can trust me.
-
Uzi sighs as she sneaks around the arena.
Uzi: For a battle to the death, there sure is a severe lack of battling and death…
?: I could change that if ya want!
Uzi turns around and aims her railgun at whoever said that.
Blitzø laughs as he spins his percussion pistol around in his hand.
Blitzø: Nice toy drone-bitch.
Uzi, knowing how volatile and violent Blitzø is, doesn't hesitate in pulling the trigger. Only after she pulls it, does she remember that it needs time to cool down, and it's only been around 10 minutes since her encounter with the Second Coming.
Blitzø: HA! That's sad and pathetic!
Uzi takes a step back and begins to panic as Blitzø aims his pistol at her head.
Blitzø: Time to power off robo-bitch.
Uzi jumps into the air as Blitzø fires, barely dodging the bullet and ax-kicking the demon to the ground. She then turns and tries running away, but Blitzø grabs her leg and pulls her to the ground.
Blitzø gets up and kicks Uzi in the chest, then picks her up and throws her into a tree while firing his gun, landing multiple shots.
Uzi screams in pain as she hits the tree and falls to the ground, barely able to move thanks to the multiple bullets inside her robotic body.
Blitzø walks over while laughing and stabs his tail into her back, lifting her into the air as he aims his pistol at her head yet again, then fires.
Uzi’s screen begins to glitch as she raises her hand and stops the bullet with the Solver, struggling to keep it from flying right into her screen.
Blitzø: WHAT!? WHAT KIND OF SORCERY IS THIS!?
Uzi grunts as the bullet flies past her head. She then uses Solver to grab and pull her railgun into her hand, making sure it hits Blitzø in the back of the head in the process.
Blitzø screams and grabs his head as Uzi grabs her railgun and begins dashing away.
Blitzø: OH NO YOU FUCKING DON'T! GET BACK HERE YOU BITCH!
Uzi looks back and sees a pissed off Blitzø chasing her. She panics, and uses Solver to rip a branch off of a tree and drop it on the imp, pinning him to the ground, and allowing Uzi to escape.
Blitzø: OW! GET BACK HERE YOU FUCKING BITCH! WHEN I SEE YOU, I WILL KILL YOU, AND I WILL FUCKING ENJOY EVERY GOD DAMN SECOND OF IT!
-
SMG4 hears the door open behind him, and turns around.
SMG4: Who’s there?!
He stops as he sees a simple egg at the doorway, and lets out the classic Woody laugh.
The egg then turns around, revealing a face.
?: Hello there, my fine fellow!
SMG4: AGH! IT CAN TALK! THE EGG CAN TALK!
?: I'm not an egg! I'm a person, cursed into this round body by a pesky sheriff over a hundred years ago!
SMG4 stops laughing, and looks at the egg.
SMG4: Alright, Mr. Not-an-egg, what are you doing here, and why shouldn't I just crack you open?
?: I don't know why I'm here, I just appeared here! Also, please don't call me that, my name is Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch.
SMG4 begins wheezing again.
Benedict: What’s so funny?
SMG4: You're name, it's stupid as hell!
Benedict: Alright then, what’s your name, huh?
SMG4: I have two names, one being SuperMarioGlitchy4, and the other being Super Meme Guardian 4. But you can just call me SMG4.
Benedict: That's not even a name, that's just a title.
SMG4: Shut up eggman!
Benedict: I AM NOT AN EGG! Now then, can we discuss something, I came here for a reason you know.
SMG4 sighs and sits down on his spinny chair.
SMG4: Sure, what is it?
Benedict: Do you think you could help me? As you can see, in this cursed body, I have trouble moving around. Could you possibly help me move around this strange arena?
SMG4 gets up and walks over, smiling.
SMG4: Nah, I'll just kill you instead, you are a fellow combatant after all, so mind as well take you out while it's easy.
Benedict hops out of the way of SMG4’s stomp, then smiles.
Benedict: Goonie 1! Help me!
SMG4 looks at Benedict in confusion, before seeing a large blue hulking figure storm into the room and pick Benedict up.
Benedict: Goonie 1, this man decided to try and attack me while I was helpless! If you take him out, I'll give you a cookie!
Goonie 1 smiles and goes to grab SMG4, but the meme guardian backflips out of the way and runs away, only to realize he's cornered in his own room.
Benedict: What’s wrong SMG4, do you feel hopeless?
SMG4: Y-Yes I do! Please, I wasn't actually going to hurt you! Please spare me!
Benedict smiles, then looks up at Goonie 1.
Benedict: Goonie, kill him.
The Goonie nods and grabs SMG4, then crushes his body with his bare hand. The Goonie drops SMG4 to the ground, and begins walking away, excited for the upcoming cookie.
A few moments later, SMG4 lets out a groan of pain.
SMG4: Ah, ma ass…
-
Bob scours the area for prey, drooling with anticipation. He then sees Blitzø trapped under a tree branch, and laughs to himself.
Bob: Such easy prey, let's make this quick, so I can get to the fun part sooner.
Blitzø sees Bob approaching him.
Blitzø: Oi! Creepy fat red guy! Can you help a demon out, and get this branch off of me?
Bob smiles ominously as he takes out his knife and knife sharpener, and begins sharpening as he continues walking towards Blitzø.
Blitzø: Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me!
Bob chuckles and looks down at Blitzø.
Bob: Did you know, many cultures consume blood for food, and that includes humans?
Blitzø laughs as he slowly pulls his pistol out.
Blitzø: That's fucking sick! Sounds like those cultures know what fun is about!
Bob: Yes, yes they do…
Bob then plunges the knife into Blitzø’s head, but he gets shot in the stomach before he can penetrate the demon’s skin.
Bob falls to the ground, before getting shot many more times by the demon.
Blitzø: Jeez, that fucker was creepy as hell.
Blitzø then hears laughter, and when he turns back to Bob, he sees the serial killer standing up straight, despite having multiple bullet holes in his body.
Blitzø: CAN PEOPLE STOP FUCKING SURVIVING GETTING SHOT ALREADY!
Bob continues laughing as he stabs Blitzø in the shoulder, causing the demon to let out a sharp scream.
Bob grabs Blitzø’s head and prepares to snap it, but gets stopped as a hammer gets slammed into his side, knocking him back quite a bit.
Blitzø looks at his mysterious savior, and groans when he sees The Second Coming.
Blitzø: Saved by a fucking stick figure, that's fucking embarrassing.
The Second Coming ignores Blitzø’s remark as he frees the demon from the branch, then draws a sword and turns towards Bob, who has already fled the area.
Blitzø sighs as he puts his gun away, then turns to the Second Coming.
Blitzø: Listen, I won't kill ya right now, but I'm also not making an alliance. I'm doing this solo, you understand? Great, cool, awesome.
The demon turns and scurries away, leaving the Second Coming to process what just happened.
-
Computer and Tari walk out of their hiding spot, and begin searching for others who they could possibly ally with.
Computer: So, you're telling me that you can enter video games?
Tari: Yeah, I can enter games thanks to my Meta Runner Arm.
Computer: That's really cool, I wish I could do something like th-
Computer suddenly stops and creates a shield around himself just in time to block an attack from Uzi.
Uzi: You can create shields? No fair!
Computer smiles and releases the shield, shattering it and sending Uzi flying into a nearby tree.
Uzi groans and gets up, then picks up her railgun and aims at Computer and Tari, smiling.
Suddenly, a piece of glass strikes Uzi in the back of the head.
Uzi turns around and aims at whoever threw the glass at her… Which is none other then…
Suction Cup Man?
Computer: Wait, how are you here? Didn't you get obliterated by that giant green energy beam earlier?
Suction Cup Man: Yeah I did, but I climbed out of hell, long fucking story, don't question it.
Suction Cup Man has returned!
9 Combatants Remain
Uzi grunts and kicks Suction Cup Man in the stomach, then grabs his head and slams it into a tree.
Uzi: You don't just come back! That's not how this works!
Suction Cup Man: I beg to fucking differ! I'm Suction Cup Man, I can do what I fucking want! I'm an insufferable inconvenience to all other life forms in the universe!
Tari watches as the idiot and Suction Cup Man continue to argue, then turns to Computer.
Tari: Should we… Leave…?
Computer: Eh, sure, why not.
Tari nods and the two walk away from the scene.
Uzi kicks Suction Cup Man in the nuts, then pushes him to the ground and aims her railgun at him, and it begins to charge.
Uzi: Apparently I killed you before, so now I'll kill you again!
Suction Cup Man rolls away just in time for the blast, narrowly dodging it as it decimates the ground next to him.
Uzi, who thinks she has killed Suction Cup Man once again, chuckles to herself.
Uzi: Nobody cheats and gets away with it, not even Suction Cup Man.
Suction Cup Man: Wanna bet motherfucker?
Uzi turns around in shock, and then gets a guitar to the face, knocking her to the ground.
Suction Cup Man grabs Uzi and begins repeatedly bashing his guitar into her head, not stopping until it breaks. He then pulls out his harmonica and shoves it into Uzi’s screen.
Uzi screams as the harmonica gets stuck in her screen, severely limiting her vision.
Suction Cup Man laughs and kicks Uzi as she tries to get up.
Suction Cup Man: No! You're not going anywhere!
Uzi begins to twitch rapidly, before beginning to laugh as Suction Cup Man gets lifted into the air by the AbsoluteSolver.
Suction Cup Man: OH COME ON! YOU HAVE MAGIC!? WHAT THE FUCK!?
Uzi pries the harmonica out of her screen and drops it as she stands up. She then twists her wrist, causing Suction Cup Man to rapidly spin around in the air, before getting flung at the SMG4 castle.
Uzi begins laughing maniacally as two bat-like wings grow from her back, and she begins pursuing Suction Cup Man.
-
SMG4 sighs as he walks around in his room, trying to think of what to do next.
SMG4: That annoying egg is clearly smart, so maybe he's not the best first option to kill off… Wait why do I hear boss music-
Suction Cup Man suddenly crashes through the ceiling, landing on SMG4.
SMG4: OH MA ASS!
A few moments later, Uzi lands in front of the two, laughing.
Uzi looms over the two combatants as a tail grows from her body and wraps around them both.
Suction Cup Man smiles and pulls out a backup guitar.
Suction Cup Man: Hey! I wrote you a song! It goes a little something like this!
Suction Cup Man plays a few notes on the guitar.
Suction Cup Man: You're a bitch!
Uzi, despite being controlled by Solver, is still so confused by how that qualifies as a song, that she drops the two and gets kicked out of her Zombie form, reverting back to normal.
Uzi: How the hell is that a song!?
Suction Cup Man: Because it's true, you are indeed a bitch!
Uzi groans and kicks Suction Cup Man in the balls.
Suction Cup Man: OW! MY FUCKING DICK!
SMG4 stands up and books it, not wanting to mess with Uzi, especially now that he knows what she can turn into if angered.
Uzi sighs and walks out to go find her railgun, leaving Suction Cup Man to writhe in pain on the ground.
-
Benedict smiles as he reaches The Lighthouse.
Benedict: Yes! Here we are! The Phoenix Egg must be at the top! Go, Goonie, enter the lighthouse!
Goonie 1 nods and walks into the building.
-
Computer dives out of the way of a hammer, and then turns to the Second Coming, who is charging right at them.
Computer: Oh great, here we go again…
The Second Coming draws another hammer and slams it into Computer’s shield multiple times, but is unable to break it.
Computer smiles and shatters his shield, sending the Second Coming flying backwards.
Tari smiles and slams her Pineapple Hammer into the Second Coming, sending him flying back towards Computer.
Computer grabs the Second Coming and throws him to the ground as his LEDs begin to glow white and merge into one large LED.
The Second Coming takes a few moments, as if he is sighing, then rolls underneath Computer, stands up, and draws a sword to slice him with.
Computer stumbles forward, then turns around and uppercuts the Second Coming, who catches his hand and throws him at Tari, knocking both to the ground.
The Second Coming draws a spring and bounces off of it, flying towards Computer and Tari at high speeds.
Tari looks up at the Second Coming, and immediately gets punched in the face with so much force that her head nearly pops right off, but it doesn't, and instead she simply falls unconscious.
Computer looks at the Second Coming in both terror and rage.
Computer: Y-You fucked up big time!
The Second Coming draws a whip and grabs Computer, then slams him through multiple trees, before throwing him high into the air. He then jumps up and begins rapidly punching and kicking the object mid-air, before finishing the combo off by ax-kicking Computer, sending him plummeting to the ground, creating a crater on impact.
Computer groans and stands up, his body heavily damaged, but still functioning.
The Second Coming lands and begins walking towards Computer, hammer in hand.
Computer chuckles as the LEDs merge into one large LED, and a few seconds later, the LED fires a massive beam of white energy at the Second Coming, sending him flying.
The Second Coming tumbles across the ground, slamming into a tree. He looks up at Computer, who is charging up another beam. The stick man will not let this happen, as he draws a revolver and fires at Computer, hitting him in the side of the body, canceling the charge.
Computer screams and stumbles back as the Second Coming continues to fire at him, hitting each shot thanks to his large metallic body, but also not doing much damage because of the same reason.
Computer: Stop shooting me dammit!
The Second Coming simply shakes his head no, then jumps into the air and dropkicks Computer into IMP’s office building.
The Second Coming draws a spear and walks towards Computer, who is struggling to even stand up by this point. He then grabs Computer and impales the spear through his body, killing him almost immediately.
Computer has been eliminated.
8 Combatants Remain.
The Second Coming removes the spear from Computer’s corpse and looks at Tari, who is lying unconscious on the ground. He then erases his spear and various other weapons, and decides to spare Tari, as it wouldn't be fair to kill someone as defenseless as her in her current state. The stick figure turns and walks away as a weird translucent shape flies away silently.
-
Benedict laughs as Goonie 1 brings him to the very top of the Lighthouse.
Benedict: Here it is! The Phoenix Egg! Now, all I need is to harness its power, and I will become unstoppable!
Benedict begins laughing maniacally as Goonie 1 just smiles with the innocence of a child.
-
Bob creeps through the arena, looking for his next victim.
?: When I find that stupid robot I am going to FUCKING MURDER HER!
Bob laughs and hides in a bush as the combatant walks into view.
Suction Cup Man: Oh! Is that a lighthouse I see in the distance! Time to climb!
Suction Cup Man runs past Bob and heads towards the Lighthouse, oblivious to the lurking danger that is right behind him.
Suddenly, Suction Cup Man feels a pain in his shoulder, and he falls to the ground, screaming.
Suction Cup Man: OW! WHO THE FUCK DID THAT!?
Bob Velseb laughs and takes his knife out of Suction Cup Man’s shoulder, before leaning uncomfortably close.
Bob: Did you know, biting through a finger is as easy as biting through a carrot?
Suction Cup Man goes quiet for a moment.
Suction Cup Man: Ha, that's fucken sick.
Bob smiles and stabs at Suction Cup Man, who rolls out of the way, gets up, and slams his guitar into the cannibal’s stomach, before smashing it down on his head, knocking him to the ground.
Suction Cup Man: Not so scary now, huh?
Bob begins laughing as he grabs one of Suction Cup Man’s legs and pulls him to the ground.
Suction Cup Man: OW! You fuck!
Suction Cup Man kicks Bob in the head, causing him to release Suction Cup Man from his grip. He then gets up and starts running as Bob quickly recovers and gives chase.
Suction Cup Man: Leave me alone you sick bastard!
Bob laughs as Suction Cup Man gets cornered.
Bob: Nowhere to run now…
Suction Cup Man laughs as he begins climbing the building behind him.
Suction Cup Man: See ya, ya bitch!
Bob grunts and narrows his eyes, before walking away, defeated.
Suction Cup Man: Yeah! Fuck you! You fucken dickhead!
-
Blitzø spots Tari lying unconscious, and laughs.
Blitzø: Ha! This is gonna be the easiest fucking kill in my life!
He walks over and points his golden percussion pistol at Tari’s head.
Blitzø: You're not waking up any time soon, Ms. Blue Bitch.
Right as he fires, a rock hits him in the back of the head, causing him to barely miss Tari. He turns around to face the figure.
Blitzø: Alright, who the FUCK interupted my killing?!
?: I ain't gonna let you kill her while she's asleep! That's just wrong, and that's coming from me!
Blitzø: Ah, if it isn't the robo-bitch, long time no fucking see.
Uzi: It's been like 30 minutes, that's not that long…
Blitzø suddenly fires at Uzi, who rolls out of the way.
Blitzø: Bring it on bitch! This time, one of us is gonna die, and it sure as hell ain't going to be me!
Uzi groans and rolls her eyes, before using the AbsoluteSolver to create and throw a few knives at Blitzø, who dodges all of them swiftly.
Blitzø: Oh you're gonna play hard to fight, are ya?! Well two can fucking play at that game!
Blitzø reaches into his bag and pulls out the Pussy Destroyer, aims at Uzi, and fires a missile with the words “My dick” painted on it.
Blitzø: We’re gettin hard with this bitch!
Uzi gets hit before she can even counter or dodge, and gets sent flying towards the IMP headquarters.
Uzi: Ugghhhh… He's got a freakin rocket launcher? Really?
Blitzø laughs and runs towards Uzi, guns in hand.
Blitzø: Are you ready to finally fucking die? You robo-wh*re?
Uzi laughs as a green glow begins emanating from her side.
Uzi: Bite me!
Blitzø looks at her with a confused look, before noticing the green light, and starting to run away. But he's seconds too late, as Uzi’s railgun fires, hitting him in the process.
Uzi laughs as the railgun powers down, looking at Blitzø's body, which is missing everything from the elbows up.
Blitzø Buckzo has been eliminated.
7 Combatants Remain.
Uzi gets up and walks away from the scene.
Uzi: That freakin jerk is finally dead, as he should be.
Tari opens her eyes, as she was woken up by the railgun’s blast.
Tari: What happened? Where's Computer?
-
Benedict laughs as he hops into the Phoenix Throne.
Benedict: Goonies! Grab the Phoenix Egg, I think it's time to show these fools my true potential!
A group of Goonies nod and run upstairs, take the Phoenix Egg, and run back down, placing it carefully on the Throne.
Benedict begins laughing maniacally as the egg powers the throne, turning it from a simple chair, to a flying machine of war.
Benedict: Now then, let's have some fun. Goonies, get all the other combatants’ together, I want to show them true fear!
The Goonies nod and run out of the lighthouse.
-
SMG4 is currently hiding behind his castle, as he has been for a solid 30-40 minutes now.
SMG4: This competition isn't so bad, there's no Mario… And that's the only positive thing about it I can think of!
SMG4 laughs as he continues watching memes on his phone. Suddenly, a Goony walks over and looks down at him.
SMG4: AGH! BLUE MAN! GET AWAY!
SMG4 jumps up and starts running away from the Goony, who is now sad, as he just wanted a friend.
-
Bob laughs and walks up to the Second Coming.
Bob: Hello there little guy, and what might you be?
The Second Coming turns around and draws a hammer, ready to fight this mysterious devil man.
Bob: Oh, how interesting! A summoner, now that's something I've never seen before.
The Second Coming jumps up and slams his hammer into Bob’s stomach, sending the cannibal flying into a tree.
Bob narrows his eyes and gets up, then takes out his knife and knife sharpener and begins sharpening.
The Second Coming takes out the Minecraft Icon and begins rapid-firing arrows at Bob, who tanks all of them as he continues to approach the stick figure.
Suddenly, another hammer hits Bob from behind, and knocks him to the ground.
Tari: Leave that guy alone you jerk!
Bob looks up at Tari, now annoyed.
Bob: Oh, hello again, are you here to learn another fact?
Tari: Leave us alone you creep!
Tari swings her hammer at Bob, who simply ducks underneath and stabs Tari in the shoulder, before kneeing her in the chest, forcing her to the ground.
The Second Coming charges at Bob and stabs him in the head with a Diamond Sword, getting him off of Tari.
Tari: T-Thanks…
The Second Coming nods and helps her up, before freezing as they hear Bob laughing.
Tari: H-How are you still alive!?
Bob laughs even more as he smacks the Second Coming to the side, knocking both his hammer and Minecraft Icon to the side.
Bob: I have my ways…
Tari summons an assault rifle and blasts Bob, filling his body with holes.
The Second Coming walks up to Tari and helps her up.
Tari: Alliance?
The Second Coming nods, and the two run away, not noticing Bob’s wounds starting to heal.
-
SMG4 looks around, searching for other combatants.
SMG4: I just want to end this and go back to watching memes…
Suddenly, he gets kicked in the back of the head, knocking him to the ground.
SMG4: Oh ma ass!
Uzi chuckles as SMG4 gets up, and knees him in the chin, knocking him back.
Uzi: I just killed a demon, is my next kill really going to be some chubby idiot?
SMG4 looks at Uzi, scared, but now incredibly pissed at her, as he doesn't like being called a chubby idiot, even if it's true.
SMG4: Hey! Only my friends can call me that!..... Wait that's not tr-
Uzi picks up a rock and throws it at SMG4’s head, interrupting him.
SMG4: Ow! You ass, that hurt!
SMG4 summons Luigi Meat Mallet and slams him into Uzi’s head, cracking her screen and sending her flying into a nearby tree.
Uzi: OW! Y-You little piece of crap!
SMG4 smiles, spins Luigi Meat Mallet around, and charges at Uzi.
Uzi lifts her hand into the air as her eye glitches, using Solver to force SMG4 to slam the Meat Mallet into his own face, knocking him to the ground.
SMG4: Hey, that's not fair!
Uzi: Bite me!
Uzi charges and rams into SMG4, knocking him into a large boulder. She then uses Solver to lift the boulder into the air, and drop it onto SMG4, crushing him.
Uzi: Good riddance, you chubby freak.
A few seconds later, SMG4 expands his nose and cuts straight through the boulder, causing it to explode Deltarune-style.
SMG4: Dumbass, I'm a Meme Guardian, I won't go down that easily!
Uzi pulls out her railgun, and then groans as she realizes that it has 15 minutes left until she can use it again.
SMG4 flies into Uzi, uppercutting her into the air. He then pulls out the Waluigi Launcher and fires, hitting Uzi directly mid-air. He then reels his fist back and fires a blast of energy that sends Uzi flying into the ground.
Uzi: What… Are you?!
SMG4 looks down at the moody teenager.
SMG4: I'm the biggest dumbass you'll ever meet. I'm also basically a god, but that's irrelevant.
Uzi begins crawling away, but gets her ankle grabbed, and gets thrown through the remains of IMP Headquarters.
Uzi coughs up some oil, and quickly hides behind some debris as SMG4 approaches the building.
SMG4 looks around, shrugs, and walks away, thinking he killed the robot.
Uzi lets out a sigh of relief and decides to just rest there for a bit.
-
Benedict laughs as the Phoenix Throne finishes powering on.
Benedict: Now, it's time to show these puny combatants what true terror is like!
All the Goonies begin jumping in rejoice as the throne starts flying.
Suction Cup Man looks up as Benedict flies out of the Lighthouse.
Suction Cup Man: The fuck is that?
Benedict laughs as he looks down at Suction Cup Man.
Benedict: Ah, Mr. Suction Cup Man, I hope you're ready to die!
Suction Cup Man: HA! Fat chance bitch, you can't kill Suction Cup Man!
Benedict: Wanna test that?
Benedict begins firing missiles at Suction Cup Man, sending him flying off the Lighthouse.
Suction Cup Man: OW! YOU HAVE FUCKING MISSILES!? WHO ARE YOU, NORTH KOREA!?
Suction Cup Man then knocks a missile back with his guitar, sending Benedict into a frenzy. He smiles, and begins running away.
Benedict: How’d you do that!? No! Don't run away you jerk!
Suction Cup Man: No I'm not coming back, suck my dick!
Benedict finally regains control, and rolls his eyes.
Benedict: What a nuisance…
-
SMG4 is wandering the arena, looking for any other combatants. He suddenly gets hit in the back of the head with a hammer, knocking him to the ground.
SMG4: Ah ma ass!
The Second Coming draws a bow and begins firing arrows at SMG4, who rolls out of the way and throws a Spinning Fish at the stick figure, hitting him in the head.
Tari: Did… Did he just throw a fish at you?
The Second Coming nods as he pulls out a fishing rod and hooks SMG4, then pulls him towards himself.
SMG4 looks up and rolls out of the way of The Second Coming’s hammer. He then takes out a Rock and throws it at the stick man, knocking him off balance.
SMG4: Ha ha! Take that you stupi- AH MA ASS!
SMG4 suddenly gets hit in the back with the Pineapple Hammer, knocking him to the ground.
The Second Coming takes out a Netherite Sword and walks towards SMG4, raising the sword above his head.
SMG4 smiles and pulls out a comically large spoon, blocking the sword and then slamming the spoon into the Second Coming’s stomach, knocking him to the ground. SMG4 then blocks Tari’s hammer from behind and spins around, slamming the spoon into her head and knocking her to the ground as well.
SMG4: Heh heh, how the turns have tabled.
Tari looks up and shoots a couple of fireballs directly into SMG4’s back. She then gets up, grabs him with a Shadow Hand, and throws him high into the sky, where she super jumps up to him and spikes him back down with her hammer, creating a crater on impact.
SMG4: Owww… Ma ass….
The Second Coming gets up and pulls out a second Netherite Sword as Tari lands beside him.
SMG4: Please don't hurt a mee, a desu!
Tari grabs SMG4 and lifts him into the air, then stabs him in the chest with a hatchet.
SMG4 screams, then smiles as he pulls out an Uno Reverse card.
SMG4: Just kidding bitch!
Tari’s eyes widen and screams as the hatchet suddenly spins around and stabs her in the chest.
The Second Coming charges at SMG4, who blocks with the large spoon, takes out a Golden Play Button, and slams it into The Second Coming’s head.
SMG4: You don't, fuck, with Mario…
SMG4 grabs the hatchet and rips it out of Tari’s chest, then slashes at the Second Coming with it, knocking him to the ground.
SMG4: Time to die….
Tari, despite the pain, manages to tackle SMG4 to the ground, summoning a katana and stabbing him through the heart with it.
SMG4 screams, then pulls out a hammer and slams it into Tari’s head, knocking her off of him. He then begins screaming as golden energy starts fluctuating around him, and after around 5-7 seconds, he becomes Super Saiyan.
Tari: Y-You can go Super Saiyan!? But… But how?!
SMG4 laughs and grabs Tari’s head, grabs a rock, and slams the two together, turning the gamer’s head into a bloody mush. After finishing Tari off, SMG4 turns to the Second Coming, who has already started to run away.
Tari has been eliminated.
6 Combatants Remain.
SMG4: GET BACK HERE YOU ASS!
The Second Coming quickly places a wall of Barrier blocks between himself and SMG4, then continues to run.
SMG4 slams into the invisible wall headfirst and slides down to the ground, holding his head as he powers down.
SMG4: Ow… Ma ass….
-
Uzi looks up and sees Benedict flying in the distance.
Uzi: Huh, I don't think I've seen him before.
She then sees Suction Cup Man running towards her, waving.
Suction Cup Man: Oh, hi there robo-chick!
Uzi: Excuse me? What did you just call me?
Suction Cup Man: I called you a robo-chick, cause that's what you are!
Uzi rolls her eyes and knees Suction Cup Man in the nuts, causing him to fall to the ground in pain.
Suction Cup Man: OW MY FUCKING DICK!
Uzi places her foot on Suction Cup Man’s back, and aims her railgun at him.
Uzi: This time, don't come back.
Before Uzi can pull the trigger, a missile strikes the ground next to them, sending the two flying into two different trees.
Benedict: I hope I'm not interrupting something!
The two get up and pull out their respective weapons, now ready for a real fight… Until Uzi realizes that Benedict’s a literal egg.
Uzi: Wait, are you an egg?
Benedict: I'M NOT AN EGG! I AM A HUMAN WHO GOT CURSED INTO THIS BODY 100 YEARS AGO! WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME AN EGG!?
Suction Cup Man: I wonder if he bleeds yolk instead of blood!
Uzi: Well, it's worth a try!
Benedict starts laughing as he fires missile after missile at the two, who dodge most of the missiles thanks to Uzi’s incredible speed and agility, and Suction Cup Man’s actually quite surprising speed.
Suction Cup Man pulls out a guitar as he dodges a few missiles.
Suction Cup Man: Hey, egghead! I wrote you a song! It goes a little something like this!
Suction Cup Man plays a few notes on his guitar.
Suction Cup Man: FUCK YOU!
Benedict stops firing missiles and looks at Suction Cup Man, confused.
Benedict: How does that even come close to qualifying as a song?
Suction Cup Man: Because fuck you, that's why!
Suction Cup Man suddenly throws his harmonica directly into Benedict’s eye, causing him to lose control of his machine.
Benedict: OW! YOU BRUTE!
Suction Cup Man laughs as he jumps up and slams his guitar into Benedict, sending him flying off the machine.
Benedict’s scream cuts short as he hits the ground and splatters like an egg, yolk staining the grass around them.
Suction Cup Man: Huh, so he does bleed yolk, cool.
Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch has been eliminated.
5 Combatants Remain.
Uzi: I propose we leave each other alone for a bit. Let's take out some of the other combatants, and if we meet again, we will see who will survive.
Suction Cup Man: Normally I’d say fuck you and kill you anyway, but I see an unclimbed tower in the distance!
Suction Cup Man then runs away from the scene, with Uzi running the opposite direction.
-
Uzi looks up as the arena goes dark.
Uzi: What the- What’s going on!?
Suddenly, the figure from the very beginning appears, as do all the remaining contestants.
?: Hello final five! You've reached the halfway point, with five dead, and five still alive!
SMG4: Hey! I was hiding in fear, you ass!
?: Hush hush now, we can't just let the final five drag on because half of you are cowards, can we? The arena -
The figure gets cut off by a voice, a voice they thought they already had heard the last of.
?: Hey, I’m technically not out of the competition yet!
The figure turns in shock to see who interrupted them, and when they rest their eyes upon this mysterious voice, they gasp in both surprise and excitement.
?: Computer! I thought you died, why aren't you dead?
Computer floats into view, revealing that a wavy tail has replaced his legs, and he is also translucent.
Computer: I did, I’m just a ghost now… Can I leave, please?
?: Oh of course not, don't be silly. You'll just have to continue as a ghost until you either die or win.
Computer has returned!
6 Combatants Remain.
?: Moving on, the arena has shrunk, and, as you may have noticed already, it has become nighttime!
Uzi: Wait, doesn't making it darker just… Let us hide even easier?
?: That's… True…. But nonetheless, it makes it interesting! All of you have proven why you should be the sole survivor of this little fiasco, and I just can't wait to see who comes out of this alive!
Suction Cup Man: Why the fuck are you even doing this in the first place?! Like seriously, this is pretty fucked up, and that's coming from me!
?: For peak entertainment! People eat this stuff up all the time, so I want to give them what they want! It may be fucked up, but it is fun to watch, and it's also very profitable, as I am going to gain a lot of money from the betting system alone!
SMG4: What are you, Mr. Puzzles?
Uzi: Of course it's about money…
?: Oh be quiet, it's mainly about entertainment anyway. Now then, I'll be taking my leave. If you see me again, then that means that you've won! Toodles!
And with that, the figure vanishes in a puff of smoke.
The 6 remaining combatants stare at each other in a circle, and after a few seconds of awkward silence, they all move at once.
Computer quickly makes a dash out of there, not wanting to get caught up in the mess that is about to commence.
Uzi aims her railgun at the Second Coming, who quickly draws a pistol and shoots it out of her hands before she can fire.
SMG4 turns and goes to run into the darkness, but his leg gets grabbed by Bob and is dragged back into the mayhem that is occurring.
SMG4: AH! LEAVE MY ASS ALONE!
Bob raises his knife above his head, and then lets out a yell as Suction Cup Man smashes his guitar into his head, knocking him away from SMG4.
SMG4: T-Thanks for saving me!
Suction Cup Man: Oh, I didn't even know you were there! Well, since you're helpless and on the ground, I don't see why I can't just kill you now!
SMG4’s eyes widen, and then screams as Suction Cup Man slams his guitar into SMG4’s gut.
SMG4: Why is everyone out to kill meeeeee?!?!
Suction Cup Man: Because this is a death battle dumbass!
Suction Cup Man grabs SMG4 by the throat and begins strangling him.
As SMG4 starts turning purple, a large shadow looms over the two of them as they hear an ominous laugh.
Meanwhile, Uzi is dodging bullets being shot by the Second Coming.
The Second Coming throws the pistol at Uzi and draws a Rhino to charge at the worker drone.
Uzi gets caught completely off guard by the giant beast, and it slams into her, sending her flying multiple feet back.
Uzi: A freaking rhino?! You can make a rhino!?
Uzi picks up her railgun and quickly rolls out of the way of the rhino’s charge. She then gets up and aims at the Second Coming.
Uzi: Bite me.
A second later, a massive blast of green energy erupts from the railgun and slams into the Second Coming, but the rhino turns and gets in front of him at the last second, saving the stickman from an inescapable demise.
Uzi: Oh come on! Now I have to wait 40 minutes to use this thing again!
The Second Coming takes out a fishing rod and grapples onto a random tree, and swings away into the darkness.
Uzi runs after him, but quickly gets lost in the seemingly endless darkness of the night.
Uzi: Next time I see that stupid stickman, I'm not letting him run away.
-
Back at the center, the other 3 combatants are in the middle of a 3-way fight.
Suction Cup Man screams and smashes his guitar into Bob, who catches it, grins, and throws Suction Cup Man into SMG4, knocking the two to the ground.
Bob takes out his knife sharpener and begins sharpening as he approaches the two injured combatants.
Bob: Did you know, the halal method produces more tender in fresh meat?
Suction Cup Man: Why the fuck would I care about more tender fresh meat?! I care about climbing towers and being an insufferable nuisance to society!
Bob’s grin gets even wider as he brings his knife down onto Suction Cup Man, who easily blocks with one of his suction cups.
Suction Cup Man: HA! You dumba-
Suction Cup Man gets interrupted by Bob kicking him in the nuts, causing him to let out a scream of pain.
Suction Cup Man: OW! MY FUCKING DICK!
SMG4 takes out a spinning fish and throws it at Bob, hitting him in the eye. SMG4 gets up and kicks Bob in the gut, then takes out a hammer and slams it into the cannibal’s head, sending him sprawling across the ground.
SMG4: Yeah, take that you ass!
SMG4 suddenly gets stabbed in the eye by a knife, causing him to run around in a blind panic. Bob then begins laughing as he stands up and stares down at Suction Cup Man, as SMG4’s screams get progressively more distant.
Suction Cup Man: Oh I've had e-fucking-nough!
Suction Cup Man gets up and stabs a climbing ax directly into Bob’s gut, then smashes his guitar upwards into his chin. As Bob screams in pain, Suction Cup Man takes out his parachute and wraps the string around Bob’s head. Bob begins struggling, but Suction Cup Man only tightens the loop around his neck. After around 30-40 seconds, Bob begins struggling less and less, until finally stopping altogether.
After making sure Bob is fully dead, Suction Cup Man unties his parachute strings and takes the climbing ax out of Bob’s gut.
Suction Cup Man: Good fucking riddance!
Suction Cup Man looks down at Bob’s corpse, smirks, and walks away.
Bob Velseb has been eliminated.
5 Combatants Remain.
-
Uzi hears the sound of screaming getting louder and louder, and quickly gets into a fighting stance.
After a few seconds of anticipation, SMG4 runs straight into the drone, causing both to fall to the ground.
Uzi: Ow! What the hell!?
SMG4 looks down and notices the knife that was in his eye is now on the ground, and jumps into the air happily.
Uzi kicks him out of the air and gets up.
Uzi: Alright, you fat idiot, let's get this over with.
SMG4: HEY! I'm not fat! I'm just…. Actually yeah I am fat…
Uzi roundhouse kicks SMG4 in the head, knocking him to the side. She then uses the Solver and picks up the knife, bringing it towards herself and grabbing it as she approaches SMG4.
SMG4 looks up in fear as Uzi grins and spins the knife around in her hand.
Uzi: This battle is starting to REALLY piss me off. When I'm done killing you and the others, I'm going to really enjoy killing our mysterious host.
SMG4: P-P-P-Please don't hurt me!
Uzi laughs and stabs the knife into SMG4’s shoulder.
Uzi: Don't worry, I'll make sure this is quick.
Computer floats into view and starts watching the fight between the two of them.
Computer: This could be interesting…
SMG4 starts glowing yellow as he kicks Uzi away.
SMG4: I said, don't hurt me!
Uzi: Oh come on, do you really have a super-powered second form? Really?
SMG4 lets out a scream, and a few seconds later, goes Super Saiyan.
Uzi: Oh you gotta be kidding me…
SMG4 flies at Uzi, picking her up and throwing her into the air. He then fires a kamehameha, sending her flying high into the sky.
Uzi: OH ROBO-JESUS WHAT THE HELL!?
SMG4 leaps up and spikes Uzi to the ground, creating a crater on impact as she crashes down with a loud thud.
Uzi: Ow… What the hell…?
SMG4 flies directly at her at incredible speeds, but gets stopped mid-air as the AbsoluteSolver symbol glitches over Uzi’s right eye.
Two massive ripped wings emerge from Uzi’s back as she also grows a tail. She starts laughing psychotically as SMG4 is dropped to the ground, now out of Super Saiyan.
SMG4: W-What the hell are you!?
Uzi doesn't respond, instead she simply continues to laugh as she digs her claws into SMG4’s shoulders. As he screams in pain, Uzi bites directly into his face and rips the skin clean off, leaving SMG4’s skeleton completely visible.
Despite having literally no muscles, skin, or anything except bones on his head, SMG4 is still alive. He pulls out a shotgun and fires, sending Uzi flying backwards and letting him get up.
Uzi looks at SMG4, who has magically grown his skin back, and laughs even louder.
SMG4: Go go gadget, Waluigi launcher!
SMG4 fires a Waluigi Launcher at Uzi, who simply jumps off of Waluigi and tackles SMG4 to the ground.
SMG4 closes his eyes as Uzi starts digging into his shoulders again. After a few seconds, his mouth opens up with a mechanical sound as his eyes open, completely wide-eyed. A small orb of energy appears in his mouth and begins to glow.
SMG4: I'M A FIRIN MAH LASAR!
Uzi suddenly gets hit with a massive beam of light, sending her flying through multiple trees. When she eventually comes to a stop, she looks up and sees SMG4 charging at her, screaming his war cry as he summons the Luigi Meat Mallet and slams it into her screen, knocking her out of her Zombie form, and almost knocking her unconscious.
SMG4 drops the Luigi Meat Mallet and walks towards Uzi. He looks down and narrows his eyes.
SMG4: You don't, fuck, with Mario.
Uzi: What the fuck even are you…?
SMG4: Well, I'm a Meme Guardian, and a Youtuber! It all started when I was….
Uzi rolls her eyes as SMG4 starts trailing off. She then notices the Luigi Meat Mallet on the ground, and grins as she uses the Solver to pick it up and fly it straight into the back of SMG4’s head, knocking him to the ground.
SMG4: AH MA ASS!
Uzi smirks as she kicks SMG4 into the air, then smashes him with the mallet, sending him flying back down to the ground.
Uzi: Have you had enough, punk?
SMG4 looks up at Uzi, a smug smile on his face.
Uzi pulls out her railgun, which has just finished charging, and aims it at SMG4.
Uzi: What are you doing..?
SMG4 stands up as the railgun starts glowing green, and smiles even more smugly.
SMG4: It's pronounced Leviosaaa.
After he says that, a concentrated magical orb flies straight into Uzi’s head, and a second later, she explodes in a blinding light. The explosion lights up the artificial night sky, and SMG4 gets sent flying across the entire arena.
Computer covers his eyes as the explosion flies right through him, but it's so powerful that it actually knocks his ghostly body back a bit.
Computer: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL WAS THAT!?
SMG4 shakes his head and gets up. He smiles as he uses the light from the explosion to spot his castle, and starts heading towards it.
Uzi Doorman has been eliminated.
4 Combatants Remain
-
Suction Cup Man falls to the ground as the entire arena shakes from the force of the explosion.
Suction Cup Man: HOLY JESUS WHAT THE FUCK!?
Uzi’s fried and broken head lands right in front of him, her screen displaying an error.
Suction Cup Man: Oh, you're fucking dead, that's cool.
Suction Cup Man then hears footsteps behind him, and when he turns around, he is immediately punched in the face by the Second Coming.
Suction Cup Man: Ow fuck! The hell is wrong with you?!
The Second Coming doesn't respond as he draws a hammer and smashes it into Suction Cup Man’s side, knocking him into a tree.
Suction Cup Man: Alright that's it. You're about to see why I was hired by the fucking American government to disarm a fucking nuclear bomb!
The Second Coming, not knowing what a nuke even is, is completely unphased by this threat, and pulls out his enchanted sword and bow.
Suction Cup Man: Oh, you're serious. Well fuck.
The Second Coming slashes at Suction Cup Man, who rolls out of the way and retaliates by smashing his guitar into the Second Coming’s head.
The Second Coming stumbles for a split second, then bashes his shield into Suction Cup Man, knocking him to the ground. He then wraps a lead around Suction Cup Man’s body and ties him to a tree, before placing 10 TNTs and lighting it.
Suction Cup Man: HA! You can't kill Suction Cup Man! I'll just climb right back up out of Hell!
The Second Coming nods and uses a fishing rod to grab all 4 of Suction Cup Man’s suction cups.
Suction Cup Man: Really? That's a dick move, jacka-
And then he explodes.
Suction Cup Man has been eliminated.
3 Combatants Remain.
The Second Coming puts his items back in his inventory and picks his hammer up. He then sees a bright flash in the distance, and puts on his elytra and starts flying towards it.
-
SMG4 runs into his castle and starts digging through boxes of memes.
SMG4: Pepe? No, too old… Morshu? No, too unstable… Harambe? Maybe…
He then accidentally pulls out a flash bang, and blinds himself.
SMG4: AH! I CAN'T SEE!
By the time SMG4 has finished stumbling around the room and regains his vision, the Second Coming has already crashed through the window, and is standing there, waiting for SMG4 to stop being a dumbass.
SMG4: AH! A MEME GOT LOOSE!
The Second Coming catches SMG4’s fist and throws him against the wall.
SMG4: Ow my ass.
The Second Coming grabs onto SMG4 with the fishing rod and pulls him towards himself, where he draws a hammer and raises it above his head.
SMG4’s eyes widen, before he smiles deviously as he activates the Pingas Cannon. A cannon emerges from his pingas, and fires an Eggman head directly into the Second Coming, knocking him off of SMG4.
SMG4: Ha! Take that you ass!
The Second Coming gets up and charges at SMG4, who starts bombarding him with Bob-ombs. The Second Coming dodges many of the bombs, but gets hit by quite a few, and is knocked right back to the floor.
Computer floats into the room to get front row seats of the battle just as SMG4 takes out a fire extinguisher and bashes it into the Second Coming’s head, knocking the hammer out of his hands. He then absorbs a golden mushroom, enhancing his own abilities.
SMG4: Let's finish this shitshow.
?: HEY FUCKHEAD!
SMG4, Computer, and the Second Coming all turn around in shock, as they all thought that everyone else was dead. They weren't wrong, but they also weren't right. When they look over, they see none other than Suction Cup Man as he climbs through the window.
Suction Cup Man: I told you I’d come back!
Suction Cup Man has returned… Again.
4 Combatants Remain.
The Second Coming just stands there, incredibly confused. SMG4 on the other hand notices that Suction Cup Man isn't carrying suction cups, or at least, suction cups in the traditional sense.
SMG4: WHY DO YOU HAVE THOSE!??!?!?
Suction Cup Man: Because I always have a backup. Anyway, since I don't use suction cups anymore, my name doesn't fit, so I have a new one! I'M PENIS MAN MOTHERFUCKERS!
SMG4, Computer, and the Second Coming just stand there in complete silence.
Suction Cup Man then smashes his guitar into SMG4, knocking him into the Second Coming.
SMG4, now pissed that Suction Cup Man has cheated death twice, lets out an explosive scream of anger. Literally, as he explodes, sending everyone flying out of the castle.
Suction Cup Man: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
SMG4 screams and flies towards Suction Cup Man, throwing hundreds of Bob-ombs and shooting volleys of Waluigi’s at him.
While SMG4 is throwing bombs, the Second Coming decides to join in and starts hurling lit TNT and various harmful potions at the self-proclaimed climber of the year.
Suction Cup Man starts weaving through the barrage of bombs and potions, and after about 20-30 seconds of non-stop movement, SMG4 and the Second Coming both take a pause to catch their breath. This gives Suction Cup Man the opportunity to attack both of them, which he uses to stab SMG4 with a climbing ax.
With SMG4 stuck on the ax, Suction Cup Man starts swinging it around wildly, eventually slamming SMG4 into the Second Coming, sending both of them flying into a nearby tree. Suction Cup Man laughs as he stands triumphantly above the two grounded combatants.
But, like all good things in life, his triumphant attitude was quickly shattered by the ghostly Computer from above. He hears Computer yell, and he looks up at the ghostly object.
Computer: HEY, SUCTION CUP MAN! GUESS WHAT?!
Suction Cup Man: WHAT!?
Computer narrows his eyes as the ground starts to shake, and then he yells the following three words.
Computer: YOU. ARE. ELIMINATED!
And with those three words, a massive beam of light bursts through the top of the artificial sky and flies right into Suction Cup Man. The climber screams as his body is quickly broken down on the atomic level, and after only a few seconds, there is absolutely nothing that remains of Suction Cup Man.
Suction Cup Man has been eliminated.
3 Combatants Remain.
After a few seconds of silence, Computer lets out a sigh as the real sun shines through the destroyed arena.
SMG4: H-Holy shit….
Computer floats down and smiles as he looks at the two other fighters.
Computer: He’s not coming back from that one for a long time.
The Second Coming and SMG4 both stand up and look at each other, unsure of what to do now.
The mysterious figure appears in the center of the trio, clearly trying to hide the immense hatred he has for Computer.
?: Well wasn't that something, now, please wrap this up so I can fix the roof, thank you very much. Have a good fight, tootles!
He then vanishes in a puff of smoke, leaving the trio alone once again.
SMG4: Wait, how the hell are we supposed to fight an actual ghost?
Computer and the Second Coming both shrug, before Computer gets an idea.
Computer smiles as he pulls what seems to be 4 different colored lotions out from behind his back.
Computer: Well, I've been keeping these for an opportune time.
The two confused fighters watch Computer pour the 4 lotions and mix them together. They then both take a step back as a beam of light flies from the mixture and into the sky. Computer grins and flies into the beam, letting the power of the lotions cover his ghostly body. After a few seconds he emerges from the beam, no longer a ghost, nor a normal object, as now he has become a Super Object.
Super Computer smiles at the other two combatants as he floats down to the ground.
Computer: Let's not keep our host waiting any longer…
SMG4 and The Second Coming both nod, and the three of them all charge at each other, starting the final fight.
SMG4 pulls out the Luigi Meat Mallet to block The Second Coming’s hammer, before Computer crashes into both of them, sending the two sprawling across the ground.
The Second Coming draws a gun and fires at Computer, who creates a shield to deflect the shot into SMG4’s eye.
SMG4 lets out a yelp of pain, then takes out an AK-47 and starts firing at Computer, who uses his shield to deflect the bullets at the Second Coming. The stick figure gets shot multiple times before he can finally draw a shield and block the remaining shots.
Computer smiles and charges at SMG4, who tries to roll out of the way, but gets his leg hit by the shield. Computer smiles and shatters his shield, sending SMG4 flying into the Second Coming. Computer laughs as he fires a beam from his LEDs at the two combatants, slamming into both of them and hurling them through multiple trees and rocks.
SMG4 starts laughing as his pupils begin to get dilated.
SMG4: Just… Let… Me… BREATHE!
SMG4 kicks off of the Second Coming and flies at Computer at ludicrous speed, landing a mean punch that sends the super object hurtling across the arena.
Computer gets up and narrows his eyes as weird pink veins start to appear over SMG4’s face and eyes.
Computer: Uhh, is everything alright?
SMG4 lets out a scream of pure insanity and flies at Computer, who narrowly flies out of the way and fires a beam at SMG4, knocking him to the ground.
Computer: Hey, I think you need to just calm down, ok?
SMG4 gets up and turns to look at Computer with a truly insane expression on his face.
SMG4: YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED DEAD! YOU AND SUCTION CUP MAN!
Computer goes quiet for a few seconds.
Computer: Ouch….
SMG4 stretches his arm out to grab Computer and slams him multiple times into the ground. He then tosses the dazed object towards himself, where he follows up with an uppercut that sends Computer flying into the air.
Computer gains control of his body and turns to face SMG4, but the meme lord has already managed to get behind him.
SMG4: STAY DEAD THIS TIME!
Computer manages to create a shield at the very last second to block SMG4’s blow. The object then shatters the shield, sending SMG4 tumbling down towards the ground. Computer smiles as three large red rings appear in the now-red sky.
SMG4 looks up at Computer as the rings start to glow.
Computer: SMG4, you, are, ELIMINATED!
A beam of light flies down from the sky to strike and kill SMG4. The meme lord screams as he is consumed by light, and struggles to even stay alive. Once the beam stops, there's nothing left of the meme lord.
Computer sighs and looks down at the Second Coming, who’s waving up at him. Computer waves back down, before feeling a sudden breath go across his back. He turns around slowly and sees a pissed off SMG4, who brings his fist down before Computer can get his shield up, sending the object plummeting down towards the ground, where he creates a crater on impact.
After recatching his breath, Computer looks up at SMG4, who is flying down towards him. The object opens his mouth to say something, but is unable to get a single noise out before SMG4 lands on top of him, completely destroying the super object’s body.
Computer’s ghost emerges from his broken pieces and attempts to fly away, but gets his tail grabbed by SMG4. Before the ghost can question how SMG4 managed to grab him, his spirit gets ripped apart violently.
Computer has been eliminated.
2 Combatants Remain.
SMG4 breathes heavily as the pink veins start to fade, and he starts to go back to his normal self.
SMG4: Jeez, that was… A lot…
SMG4 turns to look at the Second Coming, who has already drawn a new hammer and is ready for the final battle. The Youtuber cracks his neck and smiles.
SMG4: Let's finish this…
And with that, SMG4 charges at the Second Coming, who parries his punch and smacks him to the ground with his hammer.
The Second Coming starts drawing different animations to aid him in his attack on SMG4. A rhino tramples the meme lord, a seagull starts pecking at his eyes, a bodybuilder picks him up and throws him, and other animations join in to help.
The Second Coming uses his elytra to hover above SMG4 as all the animations start dogpiling him. He creates a large bow and aims directly downward, then fires.
Right as the arrow pierces through the animations, a massive kamehameha erupts from SMG4’s hands and sends the arrow flying back into the Second Coming. SMG4 stands up, now in Super Saiyan, and flies up at the Second Coming.
The Second Coming gets attacked from all angles as SMG4 starts rapidly teleporting around him and attacks, progressively getting faster and faster, until he's moving so fast that he starts creating afterimages after he teleports. After comboing the Second Coming for about 20-30 seconds, SMG4 pulls out a hammer and smacks the orange stick figure back to the ground, creating a crater on impact. As the Second Coming attempts to even stand, SMG4 cups his hands and creates an energy ball between them. And after dramatically saying Kamehameha, he fires the beam directly into the Second Coming, not stopping until he's sure the stick man is dead. SMG4 hovers in the air for a few seconds, before powering down and falling to the ground, landing with a thud.
SMG4: Ow… Ma ass….
He then realizes that he has just won the battle, and jumps in rejoice.
SMG4: Yaaayy! Now I can go back to watching memes in peace!
SMG4 is so occupied with his celebration, that he doesn't notice when the Second Coming flashes green and vanishes.
SMG4: Now, where are you, host? I want to get out of he-
SMG4 gets cut off as the Second Coming appears behind him, grabs him, and throws him high into the air.
SMG4: AH! YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!? WHAT!?
The Second Coming doesn't respond as he appears behind SMG4 and roundhouse kicks him forward.
SMG4 looks back in horror as the Second Coming picks up the entire SMG4 castle telekinetically and hurls it at the meme lord. Once SMG4 crashes through the castle, the Second Coming grabs him and throws him even higher into the air, where he flies above him and spikes him downward. After spiking, the Second Coming flies and roundhouse kicks SMG4 from behind, sending him in a tumbling state, unable to do much due to both the pain and momentum.
As SMG4 hovers there spinning, a ring of green energy flies into the Second Coming’s glowing eyes, and a second later, he fires a concentrated beam of energy directly into SMG4. SMG4 crashes into the ground and is grinded across the rest of the arena as the laser cuts the ground in half. Once SMG4 hits the edge of the arena, the laser creates an explosion that completely destroys the west side of the arena.
SMG4 has been eliminated.
1 Combatant Remains.
The Second Coming floats around for a second, then goes unconscious and falls to the ground.
?: Congratulations on winnin- Oh, you're sleeping. Uhhh…
The figure thinks for a second, before smiling and snapping as the Second Coming gets forced back to consciousness.
?: As I was saying, congratulations on winning the Internet Web-Series Battle Royal
The Second Coming looks at him, very confused, as he doesn't remember anything after getting smacked by SMG4’s hammer.
?: Oh yeah, Awakened logic is fun. Anyway, as promised, I'm sending you back home! Thank you for participating, you really were such an incredible actor! And now, here’s your prize!
The figure snaps as a trillion dollars appears around the Second Coming. The figure then snaps again as both the Second Coming and the money vanishes in a puff of smoke.
?: Thank you so much, my incredible audience, for lending me some of your time! This isn't the end though, as I'm currently brewing up another battle, so stay tuned… Toodles!
Results[]
Boomstick: That was freaking awesome! I can't wait for the next one!
Wiz: Yes, yes it was.
Boomstick: I was rooting for good old Blitzø, as he seemed like the most likely winner due to his gun skills! Guns and beer, that's all you need in life.
Wiz: Yes, Blitzø could have won, so could any of them. So, let us analyze everyone, starting from the first to die, and explain why they got the placement that they did.
Boomstick: Alright alright, so, who exactly do we count for 10th? I mean, Suction Cup Man technically died first, but he came back, so should we discuss him or Mordecai?
Wiz: Mordecai will be 10th, as Suction Cup Man came back and reclaimed another spot.
Boomstick: Ah, I see. Well, let's start with the furry!
Wiz: Mordecai Heller has many skills, especially when it comes to using a gun. But that is all he really has to his name. His gun skills may be good, but Blitzø’s are better.
Boomstick: Yeah, don't mess with an assassin from hell! My momma always told me that before I went to bed each night. I miss Momma Boomstick, and I especially miss her cooking.
Wiz: Yes, messing with Blitzø was a big mistake for the Marigold’s sharpshooter. Mordecai’s reaction time, speed, and strength don't even come close to Blitzø, who has proven to be a genuine threat to magical beings who far outpower him.
Boomstick: That’s what I'm sayin! Blitzø is just too good at what he does.
Wiz: Speaking of Blitzø, he turned out to be next on the chopping block.
Boomstick: He shouldn't have died so early! I'm telling ya, if you didn't have him fight Uzi, he would've been able to win!
Wiz: Boomstick, Uzi was the least of Blitzø’s problems. Blitzø is an incredibly agile and violent imp from Hell, who loves swearing and making sex jokes. But the other 7 living combatants have him beat in multiple ways that he just didn't stand a chance.
Boomstick: I don't believe you Wiz, imp assassin from Hell should have won!
Wiz: Fine, I'll tell you why he lost. The Second Coming has more tools to use, and if he runs out of new weapons, he can draw new ones. He's also incredibly skilled in both martial arts and using a melee weapon, so the only way Blitzø could even think of beating him would be to outrange him. SMG4 has semi-toon logic, and can literally pull anything out of his ass. Benedict can fly while on his Phoenix Throne, and will just bombard Blitzø with missiles. Uzi has her Solver, which Blitzø can't counter in any way shape or form. Suction Cup Man already died, and had just come back, so Blitzo wouldn't be very effective. And then Computer was already dead, but was hiding as a ghost. The only two that could have been killed prior are Bob and Tari, who survived due to being stealthy, or teaming up with another combatant.
Boomstick: Well- I- Uhh- You can't- WHY COULDN'T WE JUST IGNORE THAT!?
Wiz: Because that would make it completely unreliable, and we would be taking bias into account, and not go into every battle with only the facts.
Boomstick: I… Fine… Let's just move on…
Wiz: Yes, and next up is Tari, the Meta Runner.
Boomstick: Now this is a death that makes sense! Tari’s just a gamer, she can't fight!
Wiz: While she might be a gamer, she is also a Meta Runner, and not just any Meta Runner, but the one and only Blue Jay. Blue Jay was a project by Dr. James Sheridan, which literally blew up in his face and created Tari. You see, Tari is able to travel into games and use the items and powers from those games. While she doesn't ever show being able to replicate anything outside of their respective games, I thought it was best if she had at least something to defend herself with, considering she isn't the strongest character in the roster.
Boomstick: Wiz, your words are hurting my brain again.
Wiz: I know, I just really love this kind of stuff. Anyway, Tari was able to summon almost any weapon she wanted from the multitude of games she has entered throughout the Meta Runner series. While she may not be much of a fighter, she has shown that if she thinks it's a game, she’ll go all in.
Boomstick: Yeah, but sadly, this wasn't a game, and all she did was be sad and pathetic.
Wiz: Hey, that's rude… But true, as Tari wasn't able to do much. She's too kind to hurt anybody in the real world, so it actually surprised me that she got as far as she did.
Boomstick: Let's move on from the boring gamer girl, and get to the eggephant in the room, Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch.
Wiz: Benedict Cumbersnatch had many strengths that mainly came from either his Goonies or Phoenix Throne. But that is also why he met his demise in 7th, as he completely relies on others to do the simplest of tasks.
Boomstick: He's a goddamn egg for god's sake! He can't do anything without someone else!
Wiz: And that's exactly why we gave him his Goonies, because if we didn't he would be unable to do pretty much anything.
Boomstick: And that wouldn't have made for an interesting fight, now would it?
Wiz: So while he was threatening, everyone else has the ability of possessing limbs, which is something he does not possess.
Boomstick: Next up, another combatant who wasn't messing around, we have Bob Velseb!
Wiz: Bob is a cannibalistic serial killer with a magical and possibly demonic healing factor. He is an expert in being stealthy and being creepy, and showed the rest of the combatants how good he is at those during his time in this battle.
Boomstick: The man’s a beast, but SMG4 and Suction Cup Man’s dumbassery seemed to be too stupid for him to keep up with.
Wiz: It's so stupid that it makes logical sense. Suction Cup Man is a literal dumbass, while SMG4 is too gullible and ignorant to notice half of what goes on around him. Bob is used to more competent victims who have a sense of self-preservation, which is something Suction Cup Man, and to an extent SMG4, do not have.
Boomstick: The stupid beat the smart, makes perfect sense! I finally understand why I'm the most successful out of everyone in my senior year, despite passing at the very bottom! I'm so stupid I'm successful!
Wiz: And how many years did it take for you to graduate?
Boomstick: Hold on let me just… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… About 7 years to get through 12th grade!
Wiz: Why am I not surprised…
Boomstick: Because we know each other, Wiz! You do the nerdy boring stuff, and I do the cool explody and gun stuff!
Wiz: Anyway, next up is Uzi Doorman. Uzi was my number one pick for who I thought was going to win, as her railgun and the AbsoluteSolver makes her one of the most formidable foes in the roster.
Boomstick: Yep, but she got beat by the meme man himself, SMG4! You can't reason with crazy Wiz, I'm telling ya.
Wiz: Trust me, I know. Anyway, Uzi may have had more skill in actual fighting than SMG4, but the sheer number of items at his disposal made it easy for him to overwhelm her with.
Boomstick: Her competency and angst cost her the win, but in the end, she didn't really stand a chance.
Wiz: I beg to differ, if Uzi had pulled the trigger and fired before SMG4 could blow her up, it's very likely that she would have won. Suction Cup Man wouldn't stand a chance, and she most likely wouldn't have even let the Second Coming enter his Awakened form.
Boomstick: Blah blah blah, nerdy talk. I think you're just mad that your favorite didn't win.
Wiz: I am not mad! I am… Whatever, let's just do the final four.
Boomstick: Hell yeah! In 4th place we have Suction Cup Man! Actually, we have him twice!
Wiz: Indeed! His fight with the Second Coming ended with his predictable demise. But, if he just kept his mouth shut, he might have been able to keep his suction cups when he got sent to Hell.
Boomstick: Except he didn't, and he paid the price. His suction cups were removed!
Wiz: Now, most people would think that that would be the end, but he has shown that he will resort to drastic measures in his series. In fact, during episode 4 his suction cups were legally removed from him, making him resort to using suction…. Adult toys.
Boomstick: Yep! He called himself Penis Man until he got them back! That Suction Cup Man, he always cracks me up.
Wiz: Anyway, since he canonically used that after getting the cups removed, he would have done the same here. But again, if he only shut up, he might not have gotten killed again.
Boomstick: If he just let SMG4 kill the Second Coming, he could have surprise-attacked the fatass!
Wiz: Indeed, except Suction Cup Man doesn't really think about the consequences of his actions. So he made his presence known, and immediately got killed because of it.
Boomstick: And thankfully, Computer was done with his bullcrap, so he just decimated him to make sure he’d have no body to return to!
Wiz: That is most likely the best way to take him out, as if there isn't a body for him to return to, he isn't going to come back.
Boomstick: Yep, we won't have to see him ever again! Which makes me both sad and happy. I didn't know that was possible.
Wiz: And at 3rd place is Computer, who might just be the most surprising placement out of this whole roster.
Boomstick: Yeah, I did not expect him to get far at all.
Wiz: To be fair, we didn't think his ghost or Super Object forms would be taken into account, as they were more circumstantial. But since he just so happened to be carrying the lotions, he was able to secure 3rd place.
Boomstick: The only thing keeping him from getting 2nd or 1st was that he just didn't have as much to offer compared to SMG4 or the Second Coming, who had insane arsenals, while Computer could fly and shoot a beam or two.
Wiz: This doesn't mean he isn't powerful however, as he was able to hold his own against SMG4 for a bit. But ultimately SMG4’s arsenal and power were too much for Computer, and he inevitably died.
Boomstick: And of course his ghost came back, but SMG4 was clearly done with all the revive BS that happened in this fight, so Computer definitely wasn't going to be able to survive any longer.
Wiz: And now for 2nd place, SMG4. SMG4 and the Second Coming were pretty much tied in every way. SMG4 had superior speed and strength, but the Second Coming was much smarter. They both had an incredibly diverse arsenal, and their weapons were also fairly similar in power.
Boomstick: It ultimately came down to who had the more powerful form, and that was a clear win for the Second Coming.
Wiz: Super Saiyan is powerful, but it also doesn't seem to actually give him much other than speed and power. Awakened is a whole different story, as it lets the Second Coming move at insane speeds, and gives him a massive eye-laser that can split the ground in half!
Boomstick: SMG4 stood no chance against a ground-splitting laser like that! He may have the power of god and anime on his side, but the Second Coming has the power of being really fucking awesome.
Wiz: How right you are Boomstick. Well, that's it, that's the list. We’ll see you soon, as he's not done just yet. But in the meantime, stay tuned, and keep an eye out for the next Battle Arena.
Next Time on Battle Arena[]
Companies have recently started to lose popularity, and now we see the rise of smaller projects in this specific scene of entertainment. Welcome to Battle Arena, where today we have handpicked what we believe to be 10 of the best and most important figures in the scene of Indie Gaming.
Congrats to ChillSummer1 for figuring out the next battle correctly.