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Who knew old things could be fought over as if it were new?
Season 3
Season Episode 4
Air date 7/17/22
Written by HyperSsonic
Episode guide
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Indiana Jones VS Tomb Raider! These two archeologists will go to any length to get what they want, but in this fight, only one will be able to get it. Will Jones be able to whip into action once more and win? Or Will Lara be the reason others raid Indy's tomb?


Intro:[]

(Cue: Invader)

Wiz: Adventure, it's something that everyone wants.

Boomstick: And when it comes to these two, these archaeologist will do whatever it takes to get what they want!

Wiz: Henry Walton Jones Jr., college professor and world-famous archaeologist known as Indiana Jones.

Boomstick: And Lara Croft, the archaeologist who will raid any tomb or ruin. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.

Indiana Jones' mileage ain't running down yet in Death Battle!:[]

(Cue: Indiana Jones Theme Song)

Wiz: Born July 1, 1899 in Princeton, New Jersey, Henry Walton Jones Jr.'s life was indelibly influenced when he accompanied his parents, Henry Sr. and Anna Jones on a world lecture tour from 1908 to 1910, and throughout his travels, Jones encountered many important figures in history who shaped his outlook on life. Now, what was that lecture his parents did that influenced his childhood and adulthood?

Boomstick: That would have to be good ol’ archaeology. So, little Jr.’s dad and his dear old took Jr. around the place showing them stuff. Hopefully nothing bad will happen, right? Yeah, something went wrong. Eventually his mom bit za dusto and the son and dad just grew apart even when they relocated to Utah in 1912 but without Anna, their already difficult relationship became increasingly strained. As Henry Sr. withdrew into his studies, Indiana found himself in various locations as his father lectured once again. Eventually, Jr. decided to say “fuck you” to high school and ending up fighting in the Mexican Revolution and World War 1 under the name Henri Defense.

Wiz: He'd eventually settle down in the University of Chicago under the authority of Professor Abner Ravenwood. In which he'd eventually get a teaching job of his own at Marshall College, and instead of doing what normal teachers do, he chooses to also go on many adventures, resulting in the infamous nickname he has been given: Indiana Jones.

Boomstick: Wait, he’s from New Jersey right? Shouldn’t he be called New Jersey Jones? It does make more sense if he’s from Jersey. But, at the same time, being a Jersey boy is something I wouldn’t blame him for ignoring. Besides, it doesn’t have a good ring to it. Anyhow, Jones became basically a legend among explorers and such, learning a whole lotta stuff along the way. Like how he is able to speak over 15 different languages, is an expert in sword combat and marksmanship, and just using movie explorer plot N’ shit.

Wiz: Some of the more notable things that have happened to him are things like him finding the Ark of the Covenant, getting stuck in a cult, looking for the Holy Grail and his missing father, discovering the Atlantis’ fate, finding the Philosopher's Stone, and other things.

Boomstick: Now, with every great hero, they come with an equally famous weapon. So, what does Indy have? He has his fists. Nah, just kidding, he actually uses his good ol’ fashion whip! Though, he is quite skilled in hand-to-hand combat.

Wiz: With his whip, he is able to disarm foes, latch onto things to make tight jumps, and basically do any normal thing with a whip. Including being able to move it past the speed of sound!

Boomstick: Then he has his other main weapon, a Modèle 1892 Revolver. Perfect for when you don’t want to sword fight someone! He also has used other guns like a Nagant Model 1878 Revolver, a Smith and Wesson Revolver, and even a .45 caliber S&W M1917. Man, I need to find this dude’s gun case, I need these ones.

Wiz: Don’t you already have every single gun ever made?

Boomstick: Yeah, I do, but what do you expect? I need more guns.

Wiz: Whatever you say. Anyhow, besides that he has a spirit animal.

Boomstick: No, seriously, Indiana Jones is basically a fuckin’ Stand user. That gives me an idea. Well, I am off to try and find Harrison Ford to get his Stand or something.

Wiz: What it actually is, is a pupil to the wizard Merlin who now takes the form of an eagle and helps Jones on his adventures. Jones can see through the eagle's eyes, receive visions telling him where he needs to be for something, communicate through telepathy, and even receive visions of the future, though the use of these abilities are generally dictated by the eagle itself rather than Jones.

Boomstick: So, basically, Henry can either have a broken as fuck Stand or a useless Stand. So, that is really fun for him. Anyhow, besides that, Indy himself has had some impressive adventures. And he even got a bunch of ladies on the way! Though, most of them did end up leaving him. Still, he got a bunch of ladies!

Wiz: Boomstick, is that all you really care about? Despite all the scientific stuff that he has done, all you care about are the women?

Boomstick: What? What do you expect from me?

Wiz: I’d expect you do at least have a somewhat mature personality.

Boomstick: Fine, you want me to be mature, I’ll be mature, damnit!

Wiz: Oh yeah, then why don’t you start acting that way right now.

Boomstick: Alright, I will act maturely for now on. (In a formal tone) Now, besides all the women that he left behind, he also left legendary marks across the entire world. Especially when he became immortal. Well, he does still age and has to stay in a certain small olden times area, he is still an immortal man. Anyhow, Indy’s adventures go around many different places. There are simply so many to count and we have such little time to say, so it will wait.

Wiz: Ok, I admit, this feels a little bit weird, I am gonna have to admit that.

Boomstick (in a formal tone): Well, you asked for me to act mature, and that is what I am doing.

Boomstick is about to take a sip from his beer, but he throws it away and gets himself some tea.

Wiz: Ok, this isn’t normal, go back to how you normally are.

Boomstick (Speaking normally): FINALLY! I THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER END!

Wiz: I- Ugh. Anyhow, while Indy is quite skilled himself, he does have his flaws.

Boomstick: Like good ol’ aging. Even epic explorers who happen to be immortal aren’t immune to it! Then also, because of childhood trauma, the man has a giant fear of snakes. Like a big shot amount of fear of them. Man, that’s what we forgot to add in the part of Indy’s bio. Then the dude is still a human. So, he is still a bit limited on what he can do.

Wiz: Still, no matter the odds, Indiana Jones will always find the X that marks the spot.

Boomstick: And the ladies! Don’t forget about the ladies! I still want to know how he does it though.

Indiana Jones: I don't know. I'm making this up as I go.

Lara Croft raids Death Battle!:[]

(Cue: Tomb Raider Main Theme

Boomstick: Imagine living in a wealthy family, it must be fun. Getting whatever you want and having money to spare. It must really be nice. Well, not for this chick that was born February 14th, 1968! Yes, we're using this version of when she was born.

Wiz: This is Lara Amelia Croft, a girl that was born into a family of wealth.

Pop-Up: Amelia is only said to be her middle name on one version of Tomb Raider, but her middle name in other sources have never been said, so Amelia is probably her middle name in the other ones as well.

Boomstick: Along with a bunch of alternate timelines to follow her. However, we’re just bullshitterying it all together in a way.

Wiz: I mean, we aren’t putting them together, just talking about all of them. Anyhow, tragedy struck when her family was on a plane and it eventually crashed with Lara as the only survivor left. Even though she was a child, she was able to survive for over a week and eventually found civilization!

Boomstick: After that, she grew up and took the money, but not the estate. So, she started playing “I Can’t Decide” trying to find a thing to do. Which she did! How? BY BECOMING A BADASS TOMB RAIDER! She went and did a lot of shit. And when I mean a lot of shit, I mean a lot of shit! She found Krakens, Bigfoot, a Chinese dragon, the Ark of the Covenant, so you know, she is like good ol’ Indy. Except if Indy was a chick and had a not as interesting backstory. Which reminds me that we are basically already done with her backstory. Yeah, it was that fuckin’ quick.

Wiz: Even then, even though her backstory is not big, her future story is one to be seen. Now, to do all these exciting adventures, she really put her money to good use and got herself a load of weaponry.

Boomstick: She is basically my dream girl! She just got herself a massive gun hoard! Shotguns, sniper rifles, grenades, submachine guns, proper machine guns, assault rifles, pretty much any gun you can think of. Though, when it comes to guns she is namely known for, it has to be her iconic pistol duo. Mr. Heckler & Koch USP Match .45 and Mrs. Glock 17.

Wiz: Even if she doesn’t want to use guns, she has herself many other weapons that she has at hand. Such as a bow and arrow, with many different kinds of arrows that she can use. Explosive, poisoned, fire, grappling hook of all things, and rope arrows. Yeah, she has a decent bit of arrows.

Boomstick: Even then, she has a bunch of old artifacts that she could use, but nah, let’s keep ‘em in the safe for the chick in her 20s. Wait, did I forget to mention that while she went to the Fountain of Youth, she turned out to be like 500?!? Jesus, how can an ol’ lady like her make this stuff look so good? Oh, and she is also skilled in fistfighting! Basically, she knows all the big shot fighting styles. Wait... Grappling hook, knows all fighting styles... HOLY SHIT! LARA IS FUCKING BATMAN!

Wiz: Please don’t go on a rant about your fan theory.

Boomstick: Hmph, fine.

Wiz: Besides that, she is skilled with blades like katanas and broadswords.

Boomstick: Yeah, she is just what I need. Too bad the archeologist stuff isn’t that good. Oh, yeah, I think I forgot to mention that she is also an archeologist as well. Well, considering she was meant to be a video game chick version of Indy originally, I guess it isn’t that surprising. Even if a certain 50% to 150% slip up happens to her. Well, that just makes it better! Hell, she is also fluent in many other languages!

Wiz: Now, I guess we should address the multiple timelines that there are for her.

Boomstick: Do we really need to do that? I mean, we already said that we were just gonna kinda mash all of them together in a way.

Wiz: Oh, no. That isn’t what I meant, Boomstick. What I meant was that we should discuss how we should handle this.

Boomstick: We already said that we were just gonna mash them together. Ok? OK!

Wiz: Alright, alright!

Boomstick: Good! Anyhow, she was even skilled enough to find the long lost Led Zeppelin song, "Stairway to Heaven" first!

Wiz: Boomstick, she actually found the REAL stairway to Heaven.

Boomstick: Oh. That isn’t as impressive. Like, what’s so cool about being able to raid into Area 51 and escape it without the government on your ass?

Wiz: What? You think you could do that?

Boomstick: I already did over 10 times!

Boomstick then points towards behind him showing a bunch of objects that seem like they were made by aliens and then also a copy of Shrek 5 and The Bee Movie 2.

Boomstick: So, you see, I am able to do that with ea- HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

The camera pans towards a masked figure grabbing Shrek 5 and The Bee Movie 2 before running through a window leaving a note that said: “What? I’m just taking back what you took from the people that took these things from me because a chocolate milkoholic can't have these or some shit, Idr what they said exactly.”

Wiz: Alright then, I guess that happened.

Boomstick: Hmph, I didn’t even get to watch either of them. Anyhow, after all that good ol’ stuff. You’d think that she’s fucking invincible! However, you are wrong, she does have herself some fears and weaknesses. Like good ol’ PTSD. Being a human is always a weakness that sucks. Then also she has so many different ways to die that it makes the old show “1000 Ways To Die” look weak in comparison to it! Oh, and she is afraid of her aunt’s corgi so that’s fun.

Wiz: No matter what, Lara Croft proves that she is a true explorer that won’t stop at anything despite the things going against her.

Boomstick: Still, I wonder if I can get that cheat code to see her without things on to finally work.

It then shows the scene of Lara in a robe, about to shower. She is about to remove it when she stops and looks at the screen.

Lara: Don't you think you've seen enough?

Lara then grabs a shotgun and shoots at the screen which causes Boomstick to scream.

Intermission:[]

Wiz: Alright the combatants are set, we've run the data through all possibilities.

Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!

Pre-Fight:[]

The scene begins with a view of a jungle as the sound of a person running is heard. The camera zooms through the forest to see Lara Croft running through it with a backpack on her shoulder. She continues to run through it as she ends up in front of what seems like a tomb. She then slowly walks into it as the tomb’s stoney structure has small bits of rubble falling from it. She continues through it until she stops and looks down. She moves some dirt and old moss from the ground and sees a trap that was placed on the ground. She then chuckles about it as she continues to walk through the old tomb until she sees a golden statue of what looked like a man. She then picks it up and tries to walk away. When the small stone pedestal it was on slowly goes down as the entire tomb starts to shake around her. She lets out a sigh as she quickly turns and runs towards where she entered from. As she is doing so, she steps on the trap that she had found earlier. Resulting in multiple arrows to be sent at her. However, she is able to dodge all of them. Eventually she is able to get towards the entrance. She jumps out as the entire tomb collapses behind her. Lara pants as she sits down for a few moments until she gets up. “I hate tombs,” Lara says as she holds the old relic in her hand as a smile appears on her face. That smile lasts until a whip knocks it out of her hand. She turns towards the culprit as she simply laughs.

“Ah, Dr. Jones, or as people around these parts know you as: Indiana Jones,” Lara tells him as he gives her a slight shrug. “And here we got Ms. Lara Croft, the Tomb Raider. Who apparently doesn’t understand a simple archaeology strategy if they’re about to take something: Always take something that seems like it’d be the same weight.” “Mhm, and tell me how you know this?” “From a certain adventure I had.” Indiana Jones tells her as she tries to pick up the artifact again as Indy uses his whip to stop her. “Sorry, I can’t allow that.” “Why not? It’ll be safe in my estate and such. They will be perfectly fine.” She tells him as he holds his hat down a little. “Good grief, everyone is like that one way or another. Listen, it belongs in a museum. So give it to me, and I will be on my way.” “If you want it, come and take it, Jones! And just so you know, from this moment, every breath you take is a gift from me.” She says as she quickly grabs it and puts it in the backpack she had. “*Sighs* Why does it always have to be this way?” Indy says as he readies himself.

FIGHT!:[]

Lara pulls out her two pistols and starts shooting at Jones who quickly goes behind a tree. “Really though, couldn’t we have settled this in a more simple fashion?” Indy asks as Lara scoffs at the idea. “Sorry, but that isn’t happening now,” The Tomb Raider responds as she continues to shoot at the tree he is behind. “You don’t know how far I’ve come to get here, and I am not going to go down like this!” “Honey, you don’t understand how long I’ve gone, so I am not going down to some wannabe me.” Lara then runs towards the tree Henry was behind, but as soon as she gets near, Indy uses his whip to pull her Glock towards him as it lands in his hand. “Neat choice of weapon you got here I must admit.” “Yeah, it is. That’s why I got two of them.” Lara continues to shoot with her now lone pistol as Indy does the same with her other. However, Lara slowly starts going away as she then ends up going into a geep that she drove into the forest with. Which results in Jones quickly running after her. Lara floors the gas pedal and tries to get away so she can have the artifact, but Indy uses his whip to latch onto the back of it and starts getting dragged by the jeep. He slowly climbs up the whip and eventually gets on the top of it. He then holds onto the top and kicks into the window to where he kicks Lara right in the face.

“Why run away? Doesn’t seem much like a true archeologist to not want to have a life or death situation.” Jones says as he takes the wheel. “Well, don’t want to ruin the price value on something that’s years out of date.” Croft responds as she tries smashing Indy’s face into the steering wheel. “It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage.” Indy tells her as she then looks up as does Jones, with the two then seeing they are about to crash into a building from a nearby empty army campsite. The two climb out of the jeep on opposite sides. Lara gets up first as Jones feels blood on his lip because it had been busted open. “The mileage is only so good if the engine gets damaged, you know that, right?” “Yeah, but mileage really helps the lights keep on.” As he says this, he pulls out the relic that Lara originally had and into his own bag as Lara is speechless. “How did you get that?!?” She says as she wonders how, as Indy simply gives her a quick smug smile. “I guess you can say I got an eye in the sky.” “Yeah, and you’re telling the one who found the stairway to Heaven.” Lara tells him as she readies her one pistol. “Really though, why are you so moody? Wouldn’t the adventure at least give you something?” He asks as she simply shrugs. “I woke up this morning like every morning and I just hated everything.” Lara continues to shoot at Indy who runs and jumps behind a barricade.

Lara starts to close in on him, until he pulls out a M1917 and starts shooting at Lara who is able to go past another barricade and hide behind it. Indy continues to shoot, but then feels a tap on his shoulder. Lara is right there and punches him square in the face.Indy falls to the ground, but rolls over to dodge a punch. He quickly gets up and adjusts his hat. “Listen, I respect you for what you’ve done, but it doesn’t have to be this way.” He tries to reason with her as she simply wipes her cheek that had a small bit of blood on it. “What can I say? When you raid a bunch of tombs, you just have to go with it.” Lara says as she starts punching Jones. Indiana starts blocking and then throws a few punches himself, but all of them are blocked. Lara jumps up and knees Indy in the face with enough force to cause him to get a bloody nose. “Where’s your eye in the sky now?” She taunts him as he looks up and then at her. “I have no idea. Maybe he just does it when he feels like it.” The two continue to exchange blows until Lara looks behind her and sees a wall of TNT, however, Indy doesn’t see it. The two continue to fight until Lara does an uppercut and knocks Indy onto the ground. She jumps out from where the two were fighting and pulls out a bow and arrow.

She fires the arrow at Jones who dodges it, but instead of looking towards Lara, he realizes that the arrow was on fire, as well as it hitting the TNT behind him. He looks at Lara and simply gives her a hat tip as she then turns a good 5 seconds before the thing then goes off, resulting in a huge explosion. Which results in the artifact landing in her hand. She then starts walking away, until she feels the presence of someone behind her. Doing an almost DIO pose, there was Indy. It then does a flashback to where Lara and Jones were in a fist fight where Merlin appears next to Indy. “Heads up, she’s gonna shoot an arrow and try to blow you up. Be ready to get away from where she shot.” “Thanks for the tip, Merlin.” The flashback ends with Jones pulling his jacket up, which then showed a new burn mark which resembled a star. Lara is frustrated from this and shoots multiple arrows at Henry, who keeps dodging all of them. Eventually, Indy gets right up in front of her and punches her with enough force that he knocks her onto the ground. He then grabs the relic and starts walking away, but as he does, Lara slowly gets up and gets into a fighting position again. “I can’t lose! If I don't survive, none of us will. And your mileage is running out! Just like your luck! However, I can’t because I make my own luck:” Jones simply rubs his eyes and he then pulls out his own Modèle 1892 Revolver and shoots her in the head, resulting in her brains to go out of her. “Sorry, but my mileage still isn't anywhere near being out,’ he says as he takes the artifact to a museum.

K.O![]

Results:[]

(Cue: Indiana Jones Theme Song)

Boomstick: Wow, that was a lot shorter than I’d expect. However, at the same time, it’s a fight between an old man and a chick with PTSD, so I don’t know. Wait, damn, we didn’t find a way to incorporate that into the fight. Well, we did run out of budget for it, so it’s still good as is.

Wiz: Yeah, why wouldn’t it be since you spent most of the budget on beer?

Boomstick: Not my fault we were running low! Anyhow, shall we discuss Indy VS Lara?

Wiz: Right. You see, at first, this is a very close match-up at first glance. With their weapons, and with what the two of them deal with on a near daily basis, the two of them seem nearly even in everything.

Boomstick: When in terms of speed, both of them are quite quick. Lara can react to basically any kind of bullet, but Indy can mess with dudes who can actually cause storms! Which if a dude can do that, should be power that can compare to a nuclear bomb! Though Indy probably couldn’t take a nuke to the face, he at least can react to a dude who can cause lighting! Which is way faster than anything Lara could do!

Wiz: Then in strength and durability, Lara at her best, can take her own weapons, which would barely be enough to destroy large buildings. That is impressive, but compared to Indy taking a ship exploding with a force of about 11 tons of TNT. (Quick thanks to TheDerpyPotato for this calc)

Boomstick: AKA the border line of destroying a large building or barely taking out a city block. So, basically, anything Lara wanted to try and hit Indy with, none of it would even kill him. I mean, sure, the blast from the ship did knock him out, but still, none of Lara’s weaponry could even hurt him! And what makes it better is that Indy can knock out people who are like him! So, Indy could even just punch Lara and that’d be it!

Wiz: And when it comes to intelligence, Indy does have the most intelligence of, well, everything there is. Except for fighting styles, that is something Lara does have over Jones. She also might have stamina because of her being, well, younger than Indy.

Boomstick: However, Jones even at his old age can still go for a good long while. So, even if Lara takes it, Indy isn’t that far behind. Then, you got the fact that Croft can’t to shit about Indy’s Stand. Sure, it might not always work, but still, when it does, Lara is boned.

Wiz: Lara was a very tough foe, but in the end, Henry just had everything that was needed to take this victory.

Boomstick: Indy simply had to whip into action as the only tomb Lara is gonna be raiding is her own.

Wiz: The winner is Indiana Jones.

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