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Intro[]


Boomstick: Taekwondo, The martial art where you kick the shit out of something!

Wiz: And these two have mastered ced art beyond any normal degree.

Boomstick: We mean ANY NORMAL DEGREE, THESE F#*KS CAN KICK PEOPLE IN THE FACE WITH A BIRD AND FLY IN THE SKY WHILE KICKING SIMULTANEOUSLY! Like Hwoarang, The Blood Talon.

Wiz; And Kim Kaphwan, The Crown Jewel Of Taekwondo

Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!

Hwoarang Kicks Into Death Battle![]

Wiz: Almost every fighting game protagonist has their own rivals. Ryu and Ken, Kyo and Iori, Ryo and Robert. Jin and??

Boomstick: Kazuya?

Wiz: None other than the Taekwondo Ace, Hwoarang.

(Cue Hwoarang's Theme - Tekken 3)

Boomstick: HAHAHA! Man I love me some Tekken! Kick ass with some kick-ass characters. Man I miss E.V.O

Wiz: What? 

Boomstick: Yep, I grew a big forte for Tekken, Ha.... I remember, I used to play all the time with my brother, Billy, little cheap fucker used King, AND HE KEPT SPAMMING THAT DAMNED GRAB OVER AND OVER.

Wiz: You have a brother? 

Boomstick: Yeah... He's dead now though...... he died when I was 9........ Can you beat someone to death with a TV remote?

Wiz: Why are you asking this?

Boomstick: WHY DON'T YOU STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS?!?!?

Wiz: OK! So on to Hwoarang! 

Boomstick:........... *staring menacingly at Wiz*

Wiz: Ummm, Boomstick? Could you stop staring at me like that? Well It seems that Boomstick might be suffering from a stroke. I'll just have to move on myself. So Hwoarang was a student of the Taekwondo master Baek Doo S--

Boomstick: AHHHH!!!

Wiz: OH MY GOD!! 

Boomstick: Sorry I was day dreaming.

Wiz: ANYWAY, Hwoarang was the student of Baek Doo San a maste-

Boomstick: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OH MY GOD BAKE DOODOO SAUCE!!! HAHAHAHA! BAKE DOODOO SAU-

Wiz: A MASTER OF TAEKWONDO. Hwoarang would soon enter to the 3rd Tekken Tournament to avenge his master on the beast that killed him, Ogre. And to beat Jin who tainted his perfect win / loss ratio by ending in a draw.

Boomstick: So it's basically Mr Finger Paint all over again except replace a badass martial artist demon guy with Shrek wearing a bunch of Tiki mumbo jumbo all over him right?

*Boomstick sees a clip of True Ogre's battle cry

Boomstick: OHHHHH.

Wiz: Actually, Ogre just roams around killing everyone's close ones. So Hwoarang is one of many combatants waiting in line to avenge their loss against Ogre.

Boomstick: I mean look at little Jin over there!

*Crying is heard

Boomstick: Poor Kid. Sometimes you just gotta move on... Right HandCannon??

Wiz: Dead family aside, Hwoarang obviously in trained in Taekwondo which combines combat and self defense with sport and sparring.

Boomstick: Taekwondo focuses on speed and agility with all kinds of kicks, spinning kicks, jumping kicks, dropkicks. I lied on the last one but how fucking awesome would that be!?!?!

Wiz: Hwoarang has a DEEP move list. he has various throws such as the Pickpocket which is a back kick.

Boomstick: Falcon Dice Kick is a sweet flip kick. Bring It On is various kicks.

Wiz: Dead End is a kick followed by a very painful kick to the face.

Boomstick: Get used to hearing kick, cause we aren't even done! Slaughterhouse not to be confused with the game Slaughterhouse is ANOTHER fuckin' sweet flippity kick! Leg Hook Throw is self explanatory. Roll and Choke is also self explanatory. And the Human Cannonball is where good ol' Blood Talon here jumps on his enemy before extending his foot towards the back of your head.

Wiz: That was just his throws, now onto the real business.. Hwoarang has several basic combos such as a One Two Punch and more.

Boomstick: CHEATER! If he feels sporty he can bicycle kick the opponent like they were a goddamn soccer ball.

Wiz: Blizzard Kicks is similar to Bring It On except that it is not after a throw.

Boomstick: Firecracker is one low kick followed by a kick that sends your opponent into the air. BUT if you want real shit Hwoarang has the Sky Rocket which kicks your enemy farther into the air! Hunting Hawk is two kicks in the air Devil May Cry style followed by a heel kick which sends the opponent back down like a meteor!

Wiz: Exaggeration much? Tsunami Kick is one kick upward then a heel kick. Teaser is two kicks that has some knockback to it. Hwoarang can also perform a string of 10 hits with his amazing combo skill, heck he can maybe string in thirty! He also has two "flamingo" stances that depend if he's facing right or left, these allow Hwoarang different normal attacks and can allow him a new variety of combos. The Power Crusher can absorb any hits while delivering a strong attack.

(Cue Tekken 3 OST - Ogre Theme)

Boomstick: Like any Tekken character, Hwoar has two unblockable arts, which have a very slow start but do devastating damage and is quick during it's execution. Speaking of devastating, Hwoarang can perform two more tricks up his sleeve. The Heel Explosion Combo, two normal kicks to the chest than Hwoarang jumps into the air to and axe kicks the knelled down opponent in the head smashing their body on the floor! And The Rage Art which can be used once a fighter has filled up their rage meter, but it depletes immediately after use. What does this Rage Art do? Well for Hwoarang he delivers swift and powerful kicks before kicking the foe into the air to kick them one last time. THERE! ARE WE DONE WITH EVER SAYING THE WORD KICK EVER AGAIN! Heck, he was so good that the South Korean Army drafted his ass to a special operations division and succeeded a lot of his missions! But one day he was like "Fuck this imma fight Jin" and left, they found him, and he kicked the shit outta the millitary and fought Jin like he wanted.

Wiz: But it turns out that Baek was alive, so put a check on the "Ripped-off Street Fighter" list

Boomstick: Hwoarang has beaten Jin more than a couple of times and tussles with him as a hobby, he is able to defeat the Tekken Force quite easily and has an amazing win/loss record.

Wiz: But he is far from perfect, he was hit into a coma from Devil Jin right after Hwoarang beat Jin.

Boomstick: What a sore loser.. Sure Hwoarang has a near-perfect win loss record but that's because he fights average thugs and shit.

Wiz: Hwoarang is hot headed and arrogant, despite him not under estimating anyone thanks to his first encounter with Jin.

Boomstick: Write this down on your hand with PERMANENT MARKER! DON'T FUCK WITH THE TAEKWONDO ACE, HWOARANG!! There? You got it? I just saved you from a coma. YOUR WELCOME!

Hwoarang: One hit and you're done! Bring It!

Kim Boots Into Death Battle![]

Wiz: Speaking of Kyo and Iori, In the of the Kim family from the popular fighting game company SNK Playmore lies the head of the family and vigilante of justice, Kim Kaphwan

(Cue Kim Kaphwan's Theme - K.O.F 2002)

Boomstick: Yeah, It's gonna be pretty hard to trust this guy to teach Taekwondo to you. The last guy was a pedophile that had a shitload of kids in his basement. I'm lucky to be alive right now.

Wiz: Actually, Kim is known as a reigning Taekwondo champion, because of his success a man by the name of Wolfgang Krauser invited him to the King Of Fighters tournament to satisfy his thirst for superb challengers. During his challenges he met an American man, the lone wolf, Ter-

Boomstick: KEN MASTERS! Wait no.. TERRY BOGARD! Anyways he and Terry became friends and maintained a strong, but friendly rivalry. He is also known as a rehabilitate bad guys such as Chang Koehan and Choi Bounge.

Wiz: To be at this level, it not only required training but some tricks up Kim's non existent sleeve. Kim uses a very traditional Taekwondo which is the same as the one we mentioned before, but combined with his acrobatics gives him a unique style.

Boomstick: Nerichagi is an overhead axe kick, Yopuchagi makes Kim leaps forward, travelling a fair distance and kicking at a high angle. When he hits an opponent, he rebounds off of them.

Wiz: Hienzan equals upward kick that resembles a certain blond flat-top-haired american's attack. Another check on the list!

Boomstick: Hangetsuzan is a frontward flip kick, and Kuchugetsuzan is an airborne version of Hangetsuzan. And can sense evil in people............... Well....

Wiz: Hishokyaku is downward divekick special that goes into an automatic 6 more kicks if it hits the first time.

Boomstick: Sakkyaku Nage is Kim's basic throw.

(Cue Fatal Fury Character Select Theme)

Boomstick: But if Kim is in low on health, he gets access to some pretty fuckin' sweet moves! Hou'oukyaku AKA Phoenix Flattner is a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious fast kicking combo ending while an upward flip kick in the air that can summon a god damn phoenix while sounding like Kenshiro!

*Kim Performs The Phoenix Flattner on Kyo

Kim: ATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!!!!!!!! ATA!!

(Cue Tame A Bad Boy - The King Of Fighters 13 OST)

Wiz: Rei Shiki: Hou'oukyaku Is very similar to the original but pulls a Goku and starts whaling on his opponent while teleporting around them, then ending with an axe kick back down to the ground.

Boomstick: And finally! The Hou'hitenhyaku AKA The Phoenix Kick! Where Kim kicks them so high they soar through the sky!

Wiz: Kim is amazing at what he does and certainly is a force to be reckoned with..... Except that he actually only has not much feats. He was able to take on Choi Bounge and Chang Koehan at the same time.

Boomstick: And those guys have been known to terrorize nations with ease! He has been a part of the tournaments ever since the second Fatal Fury. But still. I mean he almost always loses to Terry. But..... The phoenix...... Buuuuuttt still.....

Wiz: To put a plug in Boomstick's face, now Kim continues his rehabilitation program with Hwa Jai and Raiden.

Boomstick: Oh sick! Mortal Kombat and SNK crossed over!?!?! THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES WIZARD.

Wiz: Not quite, Raiden in the SNKverse is an Austrailian Wrestler.

(Music Stops)

Boomstick: OH GOD F#&KING DAMMIT! SON OF A B@^!H SH!T D!@K MOTHER F%@KER! C*NT D&#K F@^K GOD DAMNED PIECE OF THE SUN'S A##HOLE MOTHER SH!TTER I WILL CUT YOUR DI-

Wiz: WOAH! CALM DOWN!

Boomstick: Sorry sorry.

(Music turns back on)

Wiz: Umm, well then. Kim is a formidible foe and certainly derserves the title of "The Crown Jewel Of Taekwondo"

Boomstick: OH YEAH AND HE CAN'T TAKE LIQUOR HAHAHAHA!!! PUSSY!

Kim Kaphwan: For the just, by the just, my Taekwondo is for justice! 'Tis an awesome thing!

Pre Fight[]

Wiz: Alright the combatents are set, let's end this debate once and for all!

Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A KICK BATTLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEE!!!!

Fight[]

Random City, 11:32 PM

(Cue Guilty Gear Xrd -SIGN- - Fizz)

Hwoarang is seen competing with Jin trading blow for blow.

BAM!!!

SLAM!!!!

Hwoarang: Let's end this! You're not gonna like this one bit!

Hwoarang kicks Jin in the chest twice leaving Kazama stunned, The Blood Talon jumps high into the air and delievers a painful axe kick on Jin's head, knocking him unconsious.

Hwoarang: Wow Kazama, you just keep getting worse and worse everytime.

Jin's knocked out body begins glowing a purple aura, horns grow out of his head, his teeth become more sharper, his skin becomes more paler and His eyes open.

Devil Jin: Hmph.

Hwoarang: SHIT!

Devil Jin goes ham on Hwoarang for a little but the Taekwondo Ace kicks him back. Both jump into the air ready to strike each other until.

HANGETSUZAN!!!!!

BAM!!!

A man in a white gi with black long hair WITHOUT a red bandana flip-kicks the Devil Jin knocking far away from Hwoarang.

*Music Stops*

Hwoarang: What the?

He reveals himself to be Kim Kaphwan

Kim Kaphwan: I'm sorry I have not arrived sooner. Was that man any trouble? Cause that's what it looks llike.

Hwoarang: HEY! I was fighting him for fun! and you totally ruined it! You owe me a battle! I'll kick your ass!

Kim Kaphwan: Woah woah there! Kids your age shouldn't be messing around like that!

Hwoarang: Who are you calling a kid? I'm 21! I'm gonna really kick your ass now! Before I was giving you a chance!

Kim Kaphwan: Well, I mean you don't really look like you're twenty fou-

Hwoarang: I've about had it with you!

(Cue Tekken Tag Tournament 2 OST - The Strongest Iron Arena SILVER MIX)

Kim: Bring It Kiddo!

FIGHT!

HwoarangVsKimkaphwan



[]

[]

Kim Kaphwan started strong with a 6 hit combo of kicks, leaving Hwoarang in a stunned state. Then Kaphwan attempted a Nerichagi. Hwoarang blocked it with his left hand and hit Kim with a Tsunami Kick and followed it up with a grab.

three words..... Bring, It.... ON!

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

Kim got up relatively quickly and got ready to kick! Hwoarang also prepared to send his foot towards Kim until.

WOOSH!

Kim jumped on the wall and quickly jumped behind Hwoarang with his foot forward hitting him dead on and kicking him a second time knocking him into a wall, Kim ran up to Hwoarang and begins to kick him multiple times in the face, chest, legs (and sadly) the groin.. Hwoarang counters the last hit by jabbing Kim in the stomach four times. Hwoarang delivers a sweet, swift Iron Heel to Kim's face. then kicks him in the shin and and kicks him high into the air. Kim, in the air, gets bicycle-kicked by Hwoarang, landing head first into the ground.

(Cue King Of Fighters OST - Goodbye Esaka)

Kim got back up quickly and foresaw an approaching Hwoarang coming closer by the millisecond, but little did he know, that he was falling right into Kim's trap. Hwoarang was then hit into a Hienzan, then a Yopuchagi. as soon as Kim landed he began running like hell towards Hwoarang, jumped into the sky like a beautiful soaring phoenix, then came crashing down like a badass meteor with Hishokyaku! Aaaaaand!

It Hit! Kim hit Hwoarang six more times. Hwoarang hit the ground out of rage and attempted a Hunting Hawk. which Kim just jumped over it and kicked him in the back of the head. Hwoarang rushed up to Kaphwan and grabbed him, Hwoarang executed the human cannonball. Hwoarang then started a combo with Blizzard Kicks, Teaser, Hunting Hawk and ended it with a Roll And Choke. Kim broke free of Hwoarang's hold and punched him in the face. Hwoarang grabbed Kim again with slaughterhouse.

Kim got up again and saw that his opponent was in a bizarre stance. One he has never seen before, Hwoarang was in Right Flamingo. Hwoarang then lunged his leg at Kim's stomach and kept going ham with a flashy combo string. 16 Hits. Damn. Kim still hanging on. Got in a Sakkyaku Nage on Hwoarang and managed to jump around Hwoarang. But he wasn't reacting. It seemed he was charging some sort of move up. Kim landed in front of Hwoarang and reeled back his foot.

Kim Kaphwan: This is gonna hurt-

BAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!

Kim was hit directly in the chest by an unblockable attack.

(Cue Guilty Gear XX OST - Noonitude)

At this point. Kim could barely stand up anymore...

He was about to give up.....

UNTIL!

DING!

He begun glowing with a fiery aura. It was time. For the.. Desperation Move..

He ran with as much determination and anger as he could.

He wasn't giving up now, he had to much to lose!

Kim Kaphwan: HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kim kicks Hwoarang in the chest.

Kim Kaphwan: BEHOLD THE PHOENIX FLATTNER!

Kim Kaphwan starts kicking and kicking and kicking and kicking and kicking.

Kim Kaphwan: TATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kim then kicks Hwoarang in the air and channels the phoenix inside of him! and unleashes it with a devastating but awesome flip kick, bursting orange and yellow flames everywhere.

Kim Kaphwan: ATCHA!!!!!!!!!

(Music Stops)

Hwoarang's body lands with signs of injuries on his body.

But! He gets back up!

(Cue Blazblue: Calamity Trigger OST - Reppu)

Kim is in shock. and burned out from that last attack! Hwoarang then sweeps off the flame.

Hwoarang: It's time to finish this!

Hwoarang dashes towards Kim with as almost as much determination as he had. Maybe even the same. And started whaling on Kim with a whole lot of kicks, he started to slow down, then he kicked Kim high into the sky. From Kim's point of view. everything was slowing down, warping everywhere as he was falling. From everyone else's view Kim's near dead body flew back down to Hwoarang....

Game Over.

As Hwoarang foot came more closer to his chin. He closed his eyes.

When Hwoarang's foot met Kim's Face. It was one of the most disgusting CRACK!s anyone could have ever heard. While his head was still intact, his skull has been fatally fractured and his neck was broken from the force.

(Cue Donkey Kong Country - Aquatic Ambiance)

Kim's body was flying in the sky, with tiny streams of blood coming from the points of injury. Everywhere was white for him, suddenly his body just stopped moving and he was floating in mid air. He saw what appeared to be his parents, wife, children, and his friends, all of them fading away atom by atom,.

K.O!

KO1

Kim's corpse stays on the floor while Hwoarang battles with Jin Kazama.

Results[]

(Cue Blazblue Chrono Phantasma OST - MOTOR HEAD II)

Boomstick: WOW! THAT SH!T WENT FROM ZERO TO A HUNDRED IN A BLINK OF AN EYE!

Wiz: Without making any bold assumptions, Hwoarang managed to edge out in experience and durability.

Boomstick: While Kim is able to take beatings and take on two threats to nations at the same time. Hwoarang got knocked into a coma, he woke up he was already ready to start training for the tournament and can take on the Tekken Force and the South Korean military.

Wiz: Hwoarang has fought Jin more times than Kaphwan has fought Terry and has won more times than Kim has won against Terry.

Boomstick: "But Boomstick! Kim has been in more tournaments than Hwoarang, Is older than Hwoarang and trains a lot when Terry beats him so shouldn't he have more experience too!"

Wiz: Kim mostly spends time with his family or rehabilitating bad guys outside of tournaments. When he does train, it's on specific occasions. While Hwoarang trains with Baek or challenges Jin most of the time.

Boomstick: Kim just Phoenix Flatlined...

Wiz: The Winner Is Hwoarang

Boomstick: HE JUST GOT TAEKWONDOWNED!!!

Wiz: Mother of god...

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