Hellboy vs. Kratos

DESCRIPTION[]

Being under the thumb of the ultimate bastards can drive a person to do anything. But these two use their power for revenge...and justice.

INTRO[]

Wiz: Damned by the most powerful beings of all time, these two have risen to take revenge and destroy any foe that stands in their way.

Boomstick: Like Hellboy, the hornless demon-hunter.

Wiz: And Kratos, the God of War.

Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skill to figure out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!

HELLBOY BURNS DEATH BATTLE[]

Wiz: In 1574, there was a forbidden love between two worlds, one of them a literal hellhole.

Boomstick: This was not exactly a romance, it was more like one of those weird cult arranged marrages.

Wiz: Actually, you're not off. Anung Un Rama--

Boomstick: Huh?

Wiz: Hellboy's real name.

Boomstick: Oh.

Wiz: Anung was born to an East Bromwich witch named Sara Hughes and the Demon Azzael. For the many years left in her life, she tried to repent for her sins but her attempts were futal. When her son was born, Azzael claimed her and chopped off his right hand and was replaced with the Right Hand of Doom.

Boomstick: The Right Hand of Doom is the most badass weapon ever made by any demon in hell! This thing is indestructible, doesn't allow him to feel any pain, can hurt GHOSTS and he once caught a fly without even trying! Here, let me try that...(Boomstick puts on the Right Hand of Doom.)

Wiz: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Boomstick: Wait for it, (a fly enters the room.) TAKETHATYOUSONOFABITCH!!! (Boomstick crashes into a desk and missed by a long shot.) Let me try that again. GETBACKHEREYOUBASTITCH!!!

Wiz: While-- AHH!! (Wiz ducks Boomstick trying to kill the fly.) While Boomstick tries to kill the fly, let's talk some more about Hellboy. When the child was given the Right Hand of Doom, Azzael abandoned him when he was discovered to be a father by other demons.

Boomstick: Yeah! That's Satan's job to bang women with the anti-christ!

Wiz: Eww. Just eww. Anyway, Anung wasn't just sent anywhere, he was magically summoned to December 23rd, 1944, to become a weapon for the Nazis in Project Ragnarok. After being found by a military group led by Professor Trevor Bruttenholm.

Boomstick: But because Anung was a baby, Professor Bruttenholm became best buds with the kid while the soldiers gave him the most badass name ever: Hellboy.

Wiz: Since then, he was trained to fight demons and become the greatest paranormal investigator in the world by the United States Government's Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense. With his demon heritage aging him slowly, Hellboy has protect humanity.

Boomstick: Can I talk about his weapons now?

Wiz: Sure.

Boomstick: Finally! Hellboy's got one of the most badass arsenals in history, aside from the Right Hand' of 'Doom.

He's got the Good Samaritan, a four barreled revolver that can bust through any material!
The Big Baby is his long range weapon and holy damn! It's just beautiful. It's a six-shot shotgun with oversized bullets. The damn thing is oversized and he needs to hold it with both hands.
Then he's got the sword Excalibur.

Wiz: Yes, this is the legendary sword used by King Arthur. This sword, like the Big Baby, can cut through anything.

Boomstick: Finally, he's got the Vulcan 65 and 50 grenades. But these babies ain't just regular grenades. No, no. These babies create fucking giant explosions!!

Wiz: His powers include:

Superhuman strength (he can lift 25 tons),

He is faster than the average human (but not super fast),

Superhuman durability,

Healing Factor,

Immunity to fire and lightning,

skills in necromancy

and a long life span.

He's killed golden robots, helllounds, giants, impaled a giant with a tree, was electrocuted with enough power to power Hamburg, Germany, brushed off a castle-sized explosion, killed a dinosaur with a single shot, slaughtered a bunch of giants, uprooted trees, electrocuted with enough power to literally power Hamburg, Germany and continuously prevents himself from ending the world.

Boomstick: But Hellboy's got some weaknesses. His healing factor won't save him always, his weapons will often malfunction and not work, doesn't have a lot of training and ADMITTED TO BE A SHITTY SHOT AND PREFERS HAND TO HAND COMBAT.

Hellboy_hellhound_fight — Hellboy hellhound fight

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Wiz: On top of that, he's not very bright. And if someone used a spell with his real name in it, he can be affected by said spell.

Boomstick: I bet he won't die of lung cancer anytime soon.

Wiz: Why would he?

Boomstick: He's a smoker and he's a demon. YOU CAN'T KILL A DEMON WITH LUNG CANCER!

DEATH BATTLE WILL BE SLAIN BY KRATOS[]

Wiz: I'm not going to lie, Zeus was a bit of a... player. Well, I use the term, "player" loosely.

Boomstick: Yeah, well, he kept having kids, but little did he know, one of them would rise up to kick his ass.

Wiz: Kratos was born to Zeus in Sparta. When he was older, Kratos offered his life in servitude to fight a hoarde of barbarians.

Boomstick: With his newfound power, he killed those bastards til those fuckers were in Hades' fuck-hole.

Wiz: One day, Kratos was deceived.

Boomstick: Of course! When you make a deal with a GOD OF WAR, like Ares, you can trust someone like that!

Wiz: Not that kind of deceived. He was tricked into--

Boomstick: MURDERING HIS WHOLE ENTIRE GODDAMN FAMILY!!

Wiz: Yes. Filled with anger, Kratos also destroyed a temple dedicated to Ares' sister and life long rival: Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom.

Boomstick: And if killing his family wasn't shitty enough, Ares damned him to bear his dead wife and children's ashes ON HIS SKIN. That means his wife is on his junk forever...

Wiz: Eww..

Boomstick: What?

Wiz: Eww... Just eww... After ten years, Kratos finally murdered Ares and took his vengence out on Olympus, doing the same to the other gods and goddesses that he did to Ares.

Boomstick: FUCK YEAH!! EAT THAT YOU OLYMPIAN BASTARDS!!!

Wiz: Boomstick, why don't you talk about Kratos' weapons?

Boomstick: Yeah, let's look at our first one, which on the "Bookstick Meter" registers at... "Holy Shit." These are the Blades of Exile. These awesome dual short swords have a hook like design, are wielded to chains wrapped around his arms and are made from the remains of Athena's blades.

Then we have the Blade of Olympus. How does this golden wonder measure on the "Boomstick Meter?"

Wiz: What...?

Boomstick: It measures, "Better then Sex," so yeah, this sword is bitchin'!

Wiz: In short, this blade can kill Gods and Titans, fires blue energy waves and contains the powers of the Olympian Gods and the Titans before them.

Boomstick: And it looks badass.

Wiz: He also possesses the Golden Fleece, which isn't really a fleece, more of a set of armor on his arm that blocks attacks, deflects magical attacks and projectiles and the armor can block the Blade of Olympus.

Boomstick: Kratos has the Bow of Apollo, which fire arrows rapidly, fires flame arrows, has a wonderful aim at long distances and doesn't drain his overall magic.

Wiz: His arsenal also include:

The Claws of Hades which can rip souls out of their victims, summon souls and can be used like the Blades of Exile we mentioned earlier.
Kratos uses the Nemean Cestus, a giant pair of metal gauntlets that were owned by Hercules. With these gauntlets, he can create shockwaves and stun opponents.
With the boots of Hermes, Kratos can run up walls and run faster than he can naturally.
Last but not least, the Wings of Icarus. Kratos uses these to fly, but they slowly fall apart the more Kratos uses them.

As far as powers, Kratos has the Power of Hope, which allows him to resurrect himself when he was killed by Ares. In fact, with these powers and weapons, he has:

Slaughtered the entire Greek Pantheon,
Destroyed Hercules (Who is stronger than Zeus),
Become more intellegent than Athena,
Outran Zeus,
Escaped and massacred every demon through literal hell FOUR TIMES,
Without any of his godly power, survived being stepped on by the Colossus of Rhodes
God of War 3 - Kratos vs Hercules Boss Fight (1080p 60fps)

Survived being impaled with the Blade of Olympus
And became the New God of War.

Boomstick: Damn. I wish I had those powers. And that badass beard in the fourth game.

Wiz: Well, Kratos in that game is... how do I put it? Weakened. A lot. And he doesn't have those weapons.

Boomstick: FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!

PRE-BATTLE[]

Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.

Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!

DEATH BATTLE[]

(Kratos hunts down a demon in Hell using the Blade of Olympus to cut the demon, so he would die bleeding. The demon is cornered.)

Demon: Please! I beg of you... Don't kill me!!

Kratos: Your words mean nothing to the God of War.

Demon: If you let me live, I'll tell you of a demon who lives on Earth! He hunts other demons, he is fortold to be the Destroyer of the World!!

(Kratos stops for a second.)

Kratos: Tell me where he is.

(In London, Hellboy walks through the cemetery and approaches the grave of his old friend and father figure. Setting his old friend's glasses on the tombstone, Hellboy closes his eyes.)

Hellboy: Hey, Doc. I... I stopped the apocalypse again. It's been kinda lonely nowadays. Minus the exeption of the occasional hellhound, life's been fair for me. I still miss you. Wherever the hell you are, heaven, or... hell, I'll come by to see you, here on earth, while I still can.

(He lights a cigarette and opens his eyes.)

God, slow aging sucks.

(He turns around and walks out of the cemetery. Kratos walk behind him.)

Kratos: Demon!

Hellboy: Up yours.

Kratos: You are a coward to not fight the God of War?! Or are you afraid that your fate is sealed, like your friend?

Hellboy (He stops, spins around and pulls out the Good Sameritan): SHUT THE HELL UP!!

FIGHT!

(Bullets rip through the air as the Good Sameritan blasts and misses Kratos. Meanwhile, Kratos dodges the bullets and goes to cut off Hellboy's head. Hellboy fights back by blocking Krato's sword with Excalibur. Going for his legs, Kratos misses and is left open to an attack by Hellboy, who stabs Kratos in the shoulder. Kratos breaks the blade and goes for a decapitation. Hellboy dodges and shoots with the Good Sameritan only to miss.)

Kratos: You fail with your weapons, why do you keep shooting?

Hellboy: Shut the hell up.

Kratos: Go to hell.

Hellboy: You first.

(Firing the Good Sameritan a couple more times, he manages to hit Kratos in the leg, leaving Kratos to sort of limp but get back up nonetheless. He pulls out the Golden Fleece and charges at Hellboy. Using Good Sameritan, he fires at Kratos but fails. Kratos slices the Good Sameritan in half.)

Hellboy: Goddamn it,

YOU.

(Hellboy goes to punch Kratos,)

SON

(breaking the Blade of Olympus with the Right Hand of Doom)

OVA

(and cracking Kratos across the face.)

BITCH!! That was my favorite gun.

(Hellboy punches Kratos away and he lands into a car. He gets back up and then throws one of the Blades of Exile at Hellboy, who catches it.)

Hellboy: Ah ah ah! No toungue on the first date.

(Hellboy throws Kratos with the Blade of Exile into a building, pulls the pin off of a Vulcan 65 grenade and throws it into the building, blowing it up. Kratos climbs out and stabs Hellboy in the back with the Blades of Exile and pulls Hellboy towards him. Hellboy punches him in the stomach, which breaks Kratos' skin and then the would heals around The Right Hand of Doom.)

Hellboy: Enjoy this.

(Hellboy pulls out his gun and shoots his face which heals up which gives Hellboy time to smash him into the building and he pulls out a few grenades and wraps them around Kratos' head. They all go off and destroys the building. Hellboy walks out with his trench coat burned off and the Big Baby in his left hand.)

Hellboy (dusting the ash off of the tombstone.): Sorry doc. This asshole's a jerk.

(Kratos jumps out and punches Hellboy with the Nemean Cestus, sending him crashing into another building. Hellboy walks out, bleeding from his head. A brick falls out and hits his head.)

Hellboy: Oww.

(Kratos runs up to Hellboy only to be shot by the Big Baby. Firing shot after shot, Hellboy walks over where to Excalibur is laying while Kratos is knocked further back while Krato's body heals. Hellboy grabs Excalibur and blocks an attack from Kratos' Nemean Cestus. Cutting his body, Hellboy cuts Kratos' body faster than it can heal and even cuts one of his arms off. He is near victory.)

Kratos: You will not win.

Hellboy: I fight freaks like you evreyday. It's my job.

(Hellboy grabs the Claws of Hades and has Kratos' soul sucked out of his body, killing him. Dropping his ash covered body, Hellboy approaches his old friend's grave.)

Hellboy:... Goodbye doc.

POST BATTLE[]

Wiz: In all seriousness, Kratos could have won. He had the more advanced armor, strength and skill.

Boomstick: But what did Hellboy have that Kratos didn't? One thing: Hellboy is literally the one chosen to destroy the world.

Wiz: With most chosen ones destined to destroy the world, they are very powerful. In fact, Hellboy even at one point

became the king of Hell, meaning he was on par with God, a being who CAN LITERALLY MAKE THE UNIVERSE IN ONE WEEK WHILE THE ENTIRE GREEK PANTHEON MADE THE UNIVERSE OVER THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

Boomstick: On top of that, Kratos' is a fist fighter. Who's strong suite is that? Hellboy's. Who had Holy weapons? Hellboy. Who won this battle?

Wiz: Hellboy.

Boomstick: Cause this battle is certainly a Hell of a fight!