Harley Quinn vs Bartman is a Death Battle by Peep4Life.
| Harley Quinn vs Bartman | |
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| Season 2, Episode 9 | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | April 18, 2019 |
| Written by | Peep4Life |
| Directed by | Peep4Life |
Episode guide
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Description[]
Season 2 Episode 9! DC vs The Simpsons! Could a spoofed version of the Caped Crusader put down one of Gotham's more renowned criminals? (This seemed like a good idea at the time - might be drunk)
Interlude[]
Wiz: The Caped Crusader: Batman. A hero that has been imitated and paid homage to for as long as he has existed. Today, we test the capabilities of a young mimic of the hero and put him up against a legitimate villain.
Boomstick: Harley Quinn, the Joker's favourite puppet.
Wiz: And Bartman, the mysterious vigilante counterpart of Bart Simpson.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyse their weapons, armour and skill to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Harley Quinn[]
Wiz: Once upon a time, Harleen Quinzel was an up and coming psychologist - working at Arkham Asylum under Dr Joan Leland. Though inexperienced, Harley would stay the course wanting to become skilled with her psychology skills so that one day she may be able to understand the thought process of her father.
Boomstick: And then she tragically got thrown in at the deep end. The inexperienced Harleen was tasked with overseeing some guy... what was his name? The Joker? Just the most batshit crazy psycho she could oversee. Not great.
Wiz: Over the course of many therapy sessions together, Harleen fell in love with Joker. All the while, she fell deeper under his captivation - losing sight entirely of the man he was and truly developing romantic feelings for him.
Boomstick: Only at the cost of her own sanity. Small price!
Wiz: In a twisted way, Harleen felt she had been 'saved' from her previous life by the Joker and therefore became an accomplice in his escape plan and ultimately became the Queen on his Chess Board.
Boomstick: Eh?
Wiz: Well, Joker isn't all out romantic and doesn't adore Harley in the same way as she does him. Instead, Joker is more than ready to ditch Harley if it helps him escape. Although, Harley doesn't seem to notice it.
Boomstick: Harley may be known more as Joker's lackey, but she is a capable enough schemer on her own. Hell, she's even managed to con her way to her own personal victories over Nightwing, Killer Croc and even defeated Batman on one occasion.
Wiz: Indeed, she is a deceptively capable fighter, and wields very hard hitting weapons in her arsenal. She also has corrupted biology on her side; she's easily a peak human athlete; she's fast and strong but also has an immunity to several toxins and chemicals thanks to Poison Ivy's serum and Joker's tampering with her body.
Boomstick: Those adjustments did give her some resistance to physical damage; she is now strong enough to withstand what would otherwise be fatal physical blows. And her reaction speed is solid as well, being able to avoid gunfire and batarangs.
Wiz: Harley was also recruited into the Suicide Squad, a ragtag unit of criminals that did the government's bidding. As a member, she proved her worth against creatures much bigger and stronger with nothing more than a bat.
Boomstick: Her tools don't stop there, though... obviously.
(Harley Quinn - Arkham Asylum)
Wiz: Harley commonly wields a baseball bat called Good Night. It's arguably her faster melee weapon thanks to being lighter and shorter by comparison to her other ones. Alternatively, she wields a ridiculously large mallet, strong enough to wipe out skilled combatants with a single clean strike.
Boomstick: Like that time she swept Tim Drake's chimney with a swing that would put King Dedede to shame.
Wiz: However, Harley's technique with this kinda varies. On one hand, it is a powerful strike, but on the other, Harley swings wildly and can lose control of her own momentum if she's not careful. Sometimes she enjoys the thought of pleasing Joker too much and loses her focus in the middle of a fight.
Boomstick: She also has the comically oversized Boxing Glove gun, there's not much to say. Except... I dunno... ouch?
Wiz: You'll be saying worse than that if she manages to connect with her dual wielded revolvers. They are typically six shots like a typical magnum. Though Harley specialises much more in her melee weapons than her ranged ones.
Boomstick: And if most of these don't work, Harley might just decide that a good ol' fashioned stick of dynamite is the way to go.
Wiz: These are often placed in trick weapons and items such as cakes and candles, but they are still as effective. Halrey can whip a stick of dynamite seemingly from nowhere, and it will hurt. Quinn has shown sneakiness and efficiency as an escapist in the past - except the time she got trapped in a washing machine at Arkham Asylum.
Boomstick: She's trying her best. Can't be easy when you ain't playing with a full deck.
Wiz: Well, deranged as she may be, Harley is a very scrappy fighter. She even bit off a doctor's ear in one continuity.
Boomstick: Gnarly.
Wiz: And though giddy, and apparently a waifu in some cases, she is recognised as a fully fledged criminal - being wanted in twelve states.
Boomstick: Just twelve? I think someone like her should be lol noped in all continents, never mind states.
Wiz: Harley is a capable leader, a feared crook and a foe not to sleep on. If even the likes of Batman take her seriously, you should heed that warning.
Poison Ivy: But we can change them. Trim them. Shape them like a good gardener. I don't want to do it; I have to do it!
Harley Quinn: Well. You can't blame a girl for trying!
Harley throws a grenade, freeing Nightwing and Batman from the restraints of the tree.
Bartman[]
Boomstick: Stop us if you have heard this origin story before.
Wiz: A family had been to the city opera, and took a stroll down a dark alley on the way home.
Boomstick: The mother and father were murdered in a robbery, leaving a scarring memory in the survivor's mind.
Wiz: Swearing vengeance, they got into top shape and trained as a highly skilled fighter.
Boomstick: Their gear obviously cost a few quid.
Wiz: Were men of few words.
Boomstick: They donned a mask and a cowl - sticking to the shadows but protecting the streets of the city they called home - with or without the support of the police.
Wiz: Of course, Bartman is a spoofed version of Batman. Though, Bartman was directly told by his dying father to avenge him. And so, Bart went to work - using homicidal tactics to purge the evil from Springfiel- I mean, uh, Gotham's streets.
Boomstick: Down goes the Diddler! Down goes Poison Lenny! And soon, Bartman would be face to face, mask to mask with the bane of his innocence; the thief whose most personal score had been Bartman's childhood: the Serpent.
Wiz: Bartman was able to foil his attempted robbery of priceless jewels in a museum, before murdering him in heroic style, punching him against the sharp fangs of regular teeth.
Boomstick: Bartman was only so effective thanks to the training he underwent from his Grandfather, honing his skills and getting into top shape. He was able to lift two adult women over his shoulders as an exercise routine.
Wiz: It shouldn't be overlooked that Bartman is still, well, Bart - and therefore possesses his same skills and strengths, including low intelligence or compassion, but speed and efficiency as a prankster. Bart has studied martial arts in his time and has been able to out wrestle powerful foes such as Nelson Muntz. But, to be a hero requires more than just a gimmick...
Boomstick: I mean, in the Bartman meets Radioactive Man, he was able to gain powers such as Laser Vision and Ice Breath. So, he is a bootleg version of both Batman and Superman.
Wiz: If... you want to look at it that way. But Bartman is very talented as a hand to hand combatant - one shotting the Diddler, Serpent and even destroying Poison Lenny (even if he was a bystander). And while Bart has always been inconsistent as a fighter, at his best he can handle harder hitting foes than himself through agility and skill.
Boomstick: Bart possesses slingshots, which he can pick off enemies with using pinpoint accuracy. It's his signature weapon after all, and he has used it from the very early days of The Simpsons.
Wiz: He also has Cherry Bombs, which he set off in the school toilets, creating a recoil large enough to be felt throughout the building and traumatising Agnes Skinner.
Boomstick: But that's okay; as Marge will remind you: he's just a boy. Which seems to be enough to absolve him of consequences as well.
Wiz: Well, maybe, but he has been able to apply intelligence to weasel out before. In his many clashes with Sideshow Bob, Bart has been able to trick him or sussed plans out long before anyone else - take when he saved Selma from death on her honeymoon.
Boomstick: Bartman is equipped with many Grappling Hooks and ropes to help gain leverage in a heartbeat - again not so different to Batman himself but without the refined class of the Caped Crusader. He also has regular Boomerangs, replacing the Batarangs that Bruce wields. Nifty things, huh?
Wiz: Bart has seen numerous tools fall into his hands over the seasons; in one tree house of horror, he gained a stop watch that froze time perfectly. This meant that only those touching the watch were immune and Bart was free to do as he pleased.
Boomstick: And he took full advantage: undressing Nelson, Homer and Skinner. I mean... I don't blame him if he swings that way; I'd have done something similar but then I'd be looking for Liv Morgan and-
Wiz: Can we please not? Bart also possesses a genetic chosen one trait, making him immune to the disease that caused the Muncher outbreak in another treehouse of horror. But despite possessing the image of Bartman, Bart is still vulnerable to weaknesses in most humans; in the early episodes, Nelson was able to defeat him easily and even recently, Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph overpower him frequently.
Boomstick: But, the boy is vengeance personified. And just because you're a criminal who thinks a mask and a gun keep you safe, the Bartman is always watching.
Bartman: You! You're the man who killed my parents!
Bartman punches Serpent into the fangs of a snake statue, killing the crook instantly.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
Fight[]
Location: Nuclear Power Plant (The Simpsons)
"Mistah Jay wants all this junk gone in five minutes!" Harley barked at the goons. They lifted a large barrel with glowing green goo in it, being careful to not kill themselves with it in the process. Unfortunately, someone from above did not approve, and fired down a few shots from a Slingshot. The rocks hit the men in the groins, forcing them to drop the waste on themselves, making it an excruciating way to go.
"BATS?!" Harley giggled as she dived into the nearest truck. "Nope! See ya!" she added, flooring it towards the exit of the car park. But a figure swooped before her. "Wait! Is that... Who are you?"
"I. Am. Bartman!" the small figure boasted. Harley paused before breaking into laughter. "Ya gotta be kiddin' me?!" she howled in amusement, as Bartman kept his firm gaze on her. "Oh.. oh well." Harley said, recomposing herself. "I'll just squish ya the same way I normally would, 'kay?"
She then slammed the accelerator down to the floor, and sped at Bartman, who flipped back and landed out of the way. Harley looked in the rear view mirror, only to see the Honour Roller giving chase behind her. "UGGHH!" she protested, popping a magnum out of the window, as Bartman steered to avoid the shots.
FIGHT!
The chase was immediately wild as Bartman veered right and left, ducking the shots until Harley had wasted all six. He then sped up behind her, knocking the truck and making it wobble slightly. Harley yelped in panic, but brought it back under control. She then tried to ram the Roller off course, but Bart's vehicle was quick enough to get ahead of her. He then flung several Slingshot shots at the vehicle, bouncing stones off the glass.
Harley had now reloaded, and took a sharp turn around the side of the flaming tyre pile, firing a shot that cracked Bart's visor on the vehicle. He put his fist through it, concentrating on where Harley was going to be rather than where she was. He then slipped the Honour Roller beneath the truck as it bounced slightly, firing a Slingshot attack through the window, clipping Harley in the mouth. "You cheeky little-!" Harley cried, as she was now in full on pursuit mode, closing in on the Honour Roller's back. Lucky for Bart, there was a sweet ramp coming up and he intended to take it, leaping into the air, as Harley's heavier vehicle swooped low and crashed. "Alright! That was awesome!" Bartman jeered, spinning around and closing on where Harley had crashed.
But as he came out of the vehicle, a small explosive was hurled over the truck towards the Honour Roller. "AYE CARUMBA!" he yelled, diving away from the blast.
"Tee hee hee!" Harley giggled, sauntering around the side of the vehicle with a bat in hand. "Did I getcha?" A defiant cry, followed by a swift kick to the mouth said otherwise. "A simple 'no' woulda done!" she protested, ducking the second kick and taking a swing with the bat. Bartman used the rope to pull himself away, wrapping around a lamp post, and hitting Harley in the stomach with the rebound. Harley used her acrobatics within the momentum of falling backwards, dodging the attempt at being lassoed by the rope, and pulling Bart in. "C'mere, CopyBat!" she cried, as she yanked the child in close. "Whoah!" Bart yelped as he curled up his body, trying to protect himself from a terrible impact. Harley's attacks were peppered, and Bartman skidded to a stop just beyond her, welts popping up on his body but not enough to deny vengeance yet!
He whipped out the boomerangs and hurled them at Harley, who again put on an athletic display - ducking and skidding aside from them. Bartman closed the distance, striking Harley across the face and wobbling her. She giggled maniacally as she vanished into the nearby trailer park. But Bartman was prepared for this; he turned the battered Honour Roller around, and raced after her. The young hero looked to mow her down before she leapt on top of the nearest trailer. She pulled a face, mocking him, and pulled her magnum up. "Ye feelin' lucky?" she snickered, firing down on him, as Bart ejected from the Honour Roller. He threw a boomerang up, knocking her hand and spilling the pistol to the floor. Harley grumbled, but Bartman was already closing in, landing before her and legging her up. She landed hard on a side, but kicked him in the knees. Bartman stumbled, but fell on top, pinning Harley initially. But the broken minded psychiatrist lifted her knees to lift him upwards. She giggled, almost as if she were playing with her own child. Bart laughed a little, uneasily mind, but then that cheeky, saccharine innocent giggle and smirk faded merged into a twisted smiling snarl and bared teeth - almost as if Harleen had remembered she was indeed still playing the part of Harley.
(The Fat and the Furious 0:55)
"GAAH!" Bart wailed, flailing violently and rolling to a side. Harley was now face to face with him, still laughing in a twisted way. Bart had to act now. He managed to force a Hand Buzzer out of his pocket, and latched it onto Harley's face. The shock initially surprised Harley, but she began laughing it off, grip tightening on the arms of Bartman. "Shock therapy ain't nottin' new to me, sweetheart."
"Yeah? Well - how's about this?" Bartman responded, as he delivered a somersault kick which sent Harley off the opposite side of the trailer. Sadly, her grip saw Bartman fall as well, but the young Simpson used his rope to pull himself further away. Halrey got back up quickly and rushed Bartman. "So, if out Bats is the Caped Crusader, and you're a shoddy version'a 'im..." she said, as Bart went to bounce boomerangs of her head. She ducked and swatted with her baseball bat, catching Bart in the stomach and slamming him into the wall. "Then you must be the Fake Crusader, eh?" she giggled, obviously amused by her pun. Bartman's cold gaze, however, brought her back down to Earth. "Ugh. No sense'a humour - that part of the hero's club motto?" she grumbled. She then brought the bat back, but Bartman wriggled beneath her legs, tangling them together. "Whoah!" she yelped, face-planting the floor. Bart then rolled through and dragged her across the floor, tying the other end to the Honour Roller. But then, he noticed Harley aim with her magnum. "D'oh!" he complained, ducking behind cover. He pulled out a slingshot, firing a slab of rock that clogged the magnum, forcing the gun to explode in Harley's hands.
(Music Stops)
Harley yelled and cried in pain, but managed to still draw some dynamite from... somewhere anyway. As she sat up and presented it, Bartman fired again, knocking the stick right next to her. "Ehehe, uhhh... Nice, dynamite?" she pleaded with the weapon, nudging it with her tongue, trying to knock the fuse into water. Nope. Bartman stood on, watching the clown whimper as she held the rope over the flame, burning a way free - before:
BOOM!
There was a murky black mark where the dynamite had been, and Harley was not there any more. "Another villain forced to face justice - courtesy of the Bartman!" he then hopped in the Honour Roller, driving off but only getting as far as the first bridge when from behind him, came crashing a vehicle Bart had been recently familiar with:
"AHAHAHAHA! YOU THOUGHT WE WAS DONE?" Harley laughed maniacally, as her blackened body piloted the truck into a rear end clash with the Honour Roller. "This is bad, this is bad, this is bad." Bart repeated, speeding down the road with Harley in pursuit. He weaved in and out, trying to force Harley's vehicle to fall aside, but she drifted perfectly and slammed him off the road. Bart drove around the awkward corner, and managed to fire off several shots from the slingshot while he was there. Harley rolled down her window, and revealed a gun that had been inside the truck. The sub-machine gun fire forced Bart to speed off. "Where ya goin', Fake Crusaydah?" she taunted, flooring it after the kid. She laughed maniacally, as the interior lighting of the truck illuminated the details of her burned, deformed face. Bart took a detour, cutting through a graveyard, skidding past Frank Grimes' tomb, which was then desecrated again when Harley drove through it. She now resorted to throwing explosives out the front at Bart, who spiralled out of control and wrapped around the front of the nearby tree. "Aw man, that sucks and blows..." he groaned.
He reversed a little, getting a good sniping position to rebound the dynamite back at the truck, sending it swerving off course. "Alright, so... is that it now?" Bartman asked himself. The sound of tires still spinning indicated to him that there was indeed more to be done. He positioned the Honour Roller well, connecting with the wrench, healing the vehicle before duping Harley's truck to overtake him. "Sneaky liddle cheat!" she snapped, leaning out the window, and firing a shot back at Bart, nearly seeing the shell nestle in the child's head. The hero sped in close, realising this was a good time to use the Stop Watch. He raised it up, ready to hit it. But Harley's shot caught the watch, shattering it to pieces. Bart gasped, but saw that Harley let her guard down. "Way to drive, sucker!" he shouted, slamming the side of his vehicle into the swerving front of Harley's. Quinn crashed into the front of a house - the Simpson house - and disappeared into the garden.
(Music Stops)
Bart heard the sound of a door slamming shut, and immediately roped a way up through his window. He then crawled through to the attic, looking through the ventilation. "Hey Hugo."
"Hey."
But now Bart needed to find her. He silently landed outside of Maggie's room, hearing something inside. He barged the door open and flicked the light on - but Maggie was the only one there. She just sucked away on her dummy... And cradled her... red... beeping toy. "Maggie NO!" Bartman cried. Too late.
The hero was flung back into the hallway, where Harley swung with a knife. Bartman ducked. "YOU'RE DEAD, YOU MONSTER!" he snarled, pouncing on her and wrestling her to the floor. Harley giggled maniacally. "Mistah Jay would be okay with it - loosen up a little, will ya?" she smirked, headbutting Bart backwards. The hero grabbed his slingshot and snapshot a rock into Harley's throat. As she staggered, Bart kicked several teeth from her mouth. But as she staggered towards the balcony, she lashed forwards with her knife. Bart blocked, and shunted her down the stairs. She slid and fell, but landed right where she needed to be. Bart threw himself at her, foot intended for her skull, but at the last moment, Harley dragged her Mallet across from the ground, catching Bart in the spine. He landed hard on his back, contorted in a messy heap. He grunted and groaned, arms flailing angrily at Harley, who was merely toying. "G'night, Copy Bat!" she giggled, as she lifted the mallet.
"BART! That you?" boomed a voice from upstairs.
"N-" Bart's response was muffled as Harley placed a pillow down on his face and leaned on it. "Yah, pops - it's me!" she replied, drawing her magnum in case. "Dad, I don't think that was-"
"Lisa, go to your room. Take out the trash, boy!" Homer ordered, before shutting the bedroom door. Lisa did as she was told, disappearing to sleep - though she did wonder about the knocked down door of Maggie's room. "Righto, pops." Harley said, smugly, before glancing a toothy(ish) grin at Bart.
Now Bart was on his own.
With Harley Quinn.
On a broken back...
And she had the mallet.
"Aye carumba. Aye carumba!" his muffled complaints sounded from beneath the cushion. And then, with one driving slam, the legacy of the Bartman was over. She then stuffed both his and Maggie's remains into a trash bag - dragging them out towards the bin. She then picked up the blue bow. "That'll look cute!" she confirmed, as she began the cold drive back to the Power Plant.
KO!
Conclusion[]
Boomstick: Wait, wait! He's just a boy dammit!
Wiz: In concept, this idea should have been a pretty close call thanks to the tamer similarities between Batman and Joker, but the defining difference was that while Harley may be a weaker style than Joker, she is still a hardened criminal who has psychotic tendencies with a strategic mind - even luring the real Batman into traps in the past.
Boomstick: Bartman was crafty, don't get us wrong, but he was always in an uphill struggle against Harley. Yes: Bart has foiled Sideshow Bob in the past, but that really pales in comparison as Bob's 'fighting' is sub par.
Wiz: Whereas Harley is an agile combatant - using top quality acrobatics and hard hitting weapons which were far beyond Bart's school ground tools and assets. He did have the advantage in being more nimble thanks to size, and his bag of tricks were handy, but not enough to level a full on criminal of Harley's calibre.
Boomstick: But, couldn't Bart's Stop Watch allow for him to blitz Harley?
Wiz: In theory, yes, but Bart never uses the watch in such a manner. Remember - he used it to prank people, not as a means to inflict harm. And while he could use it, he wouldn't have much luck amid the erratic and chaotic fighting style of Quinn.
Boomstick: Plus, Harley had the edge in both ranges; up close, she had her bats and mallets which were stronger than Bart's kicks and punches. And at range, she had a magnum as opposed to a slingshot. In a twisted way, this was essentially a less trained hero with lower quality technology.
Wiz: Meaning that Bart's work rate and endeavour was simply not quite enough to see off the villain. He may have taken foes like the Diddler and Serpent down, but these were blindside attacks and with Bart's close range attacks being inconsistent at best, it was unlikely he would pull off the upset victory here.
Boomstick: Turns out the result was Harley in question...
Wiz: The winner is Harley Quinn!
