Han Solo vs. Star-Lord is a What-If? episode of Death Battle. It features Han Solo from Star Wars and Star-Lord from Guardians of the Galaxy.
Description[]
Star Wars vs. Marvel! These two space captains thought bounty hunting would be the end of it. But it's really not... when they are facing off in a battle to the death! Who will prevail?
Interlude[]
SiM: Ahhh, outer space. The place all five year olds want to go.
Zorro: Can I tell them it's filled with junk and bounty hunters killing aliens?
SiM: Well, no, but still... two people sure know how to make the best of it.
Zorro: Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon.
SiM: And Star-Lord, leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy.
Zorro: He's SiM and I'm Zorro.
SiM: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills... to find out who would win in a...
Both: DEATH BATTLE!
Han Solo[]
(Cue: Star Wars Theme)
SiM: When you think of a dirty bounty hunter and smuggler, a charismatic ladies' man isn't the first thing to come to mind.
Zorro: But that's exactly what this prick was to begin with.
SiM: He wasn't exactly a prick. He and his pal, Chewbacca the Wookie...
Zorro: What the hell is with that name? It sounds like Willy Wonka and the cast of Yo Gabba Gabba had a child together and then...
SiM: Shut up, Zorro. Anyways, Han and Chewie ended up getting involved with the Jedi-in-Training Luke, and his mentor, Obi-Wan.
Zorro: That literally sounds like an instant-ramen brand. What the hell is with this Star Wars names?
SiM: You're bringing many, many childhood memories. Anyways, Han found a new meaning in life, falling in love with Princess Leia and joining Luke in his brand new endeavors.
Zorro: (sarcastically) Woooooo... so cool...
SiM: Han Solo may be a dirty smuggler, but he isn't a softy.
Zorro: Now we're talking! This dude is one of the best pilots in the Galaxy. He was able to land a friggin ship that was going at light speed!
SiM: Which means he has a reaction speed of Mach 2!
Zorro: WTF? I thought he was just some dude with a blaster...
SiM: Speaking of blasters, he has a heavy DK-44 Blaster that is capable of piercing Storm Trooper armor. Judging by their durability feats, this armor is made of high density steel...
Zorro: With about a two inch thickness!
SiM: So, that blaster not only has dozens of meters of range, it can pierce steel!
Zorro: He also has an array of explosives, which can demolish a small building!
SiM: Han Solo also has a fetish for taking advantage of his enemies' unawareness.
Zorro: Which is why he always seems to shoot first.
SiM: Han Solo cannot always shoot first, though. If both people are armed, it is highly unlikely that he would always have the upper hand.
Zorro: Han Solo also has years of combat experience, but he was never formally trained, if you know what I mean. I would whoop your sorry ass if I ever met you, but I haven't had any formal training.
SiM: But Han Solo isn't perfect, as everybody knows.
Zorro: Yeah. He's only about peak human level in his lifting and striking strength, which means he's about as strong as a human can be.
SiM: A professional boxer strikes with about 5,000 newtons of force. And a doctor once said that 3,300 newtons of force are just about enough to break a human ribcage.
Zorro: Don't mess with him. He can frickin crack your RIBS. I DoD that once...
SiM: He's gonna start rambling...
Zorro: Nah, I'm gonna try myself out on a boxer. BRB. (leaves, and a scream is heard, as well as a crack)
SiM; Well, he's dead. This means Han can strike with about the force of two professional boxers put together.
'Zo'rro: (Groaning) Get a mouthful of that.
SiM: Surprised to see you're still alive. Despite this strength, Han cannot go above regular human levels, so beings with above peak striking strength, durability, and striking speed can overwhelm him.
Zorro: Speaking of durability, Han Solo has TANKed a blow from a Wookie, who would be either as strong, or stronger, than Chewie himself
SiM: Chewie can tear the arms of armored storm troopers, so that isn't an easy feat.
Zorro: But he's still very cocky, and can allow himself to be hit occasionally. That's why he's a prick. A REAL prick, not like those surprisingly likeable TV Show characters.
SiM: Han also tends to underestimate force users, which, as most Siths know, never works out well.
Zorro: But you don't underestimate Han. You never. Ever. Underestimate this guy.
Han Solo's Arsenal[]
- DL-44 Blaster (Room level at most)
- Explosives (large building level a most)
- Blaster Rifle (Room level at most)
"Never tell me the odds."
Star-Lord[]
(Cue: Come and Get your Love (Instrumental) )
SiM: Peter Jason Quill... the Star-Lord.
Zorro: Badassery is a household name for this baby.
SiM: Raised on Earth by a single mother...
Zorro: Just like me... (sniffs) That doesn't friggin matter!
SiM: Let me finish. Even though his father, J'son, is the king of Spartax, his mother raised him on Earth.
Zorro: Ooooh... nobody told me that!
SiM: Anyways. After watching his mother die of cancer in front of him, Peter tried to run away.
Zorro: But two ugly-ass aliens tried to damn murder him!
SiM: But he managed to knock them off first, but was still abducted by Yondu Udonta...
Zorro: AKA Alien Smurf Legolas...
SiM: Ugh... who was supposed to hand him over to J'son.
Zorro: But since his father was a supposed jackass, Yondu took Jason Todd under his wing.
SiM: It's Peter... what the hell? And so Peter became a Ravager, a faction of space pirates.
Zorro: After the dude is given the name Star-Lord by some unspeakable being, he ends up in a power struggle. WTF?
SiM: Which led to the Guardians of the Galaxy being formed.
Zorro: Still the most badass superhero name ever. Justice League? Peh. Avengers? That just makes me wanna kek so bad.
SiM: When you were a kid, you named your dog Silence. So shut up.
Zorro: Could you not bring that story up? And now, Star-Prince is the leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy.
SiM: Our friend Peter here is a Human-Spartoi hybrid, which results in him having above peak human capabilities.
Zorro: We've already told you doofuses that a peak human could absolutely demolish a ribcage, no problem, but imagine something above that.
SiM: We already stated that you need 3,300 newtons of force to break someone's ribs, and peak human is about double that.
Zorro: So, after some sciency time, we found out that Star-Lord packs 7,000 newtons of force in one punch!
SiM: Yes. Star-Lord also has above average reaction speeds, able to dodge a laser point blank.
Zorro: Since a laser goes at the speed of light...
SiM: Star-Lord would have to move at a speed equal to or higher than that.
Zorro: Which would put him at a Mach 1 reaction speed at least!
SiM: His durability is a whole other story.
Zorro: He can friggin take a laser to the chest and come out all fine, like nothing happened.
SiM: And since a regular laser is able to blast through tree trunks, he has a durability double to that of a thick oak tree.
Zorro: An oak's bark alone is about four inches thick!
SiM: Yep. And with the inside added in, that would be at the very least a foot of wood to go through.
Zorro: Sadly, as in sadder than when your dog dies from eating too much ice cream, the exterior of a tree isn't the strongest material.
SiM: Which means Star-Lord withstood 400 pounds of force!
Zorro: Imagine John Cena punching you, while he's angry. As in, really angry. It would probably demolish you...
SiM: Yes. Quill has also had rigorous combat training with the Ravagers, able to hold his own against Gamora.
Zorro: Who was trained by the damn Thanos! You know, the guy who OHKOed Iron Man?
SiM: Quill had been trained since he was a kid, going on many, many scavenging missions throughout the years.
Zorro: Chop chop, SiM! Let's go onto the arsenal! HAHA!
SiM: Whatever the hell you say. Star-Lord has a crazy hi-tech arsenal.
Zorro: (TV Man voice) He has his hi-tech energy bolts, capable of trapping even Gamora, even though it was a fire a short time.
SiM: That voice... He also has his gravity mines, which pull anything and everything towards them, in a five meter radius.
Zorro: But most people can escape from the grip easily. I mean, it only lasts for a about a minute. A MINUTE. For a child, that's about three hours, but for us adults...
SiM: That escalated quickly.
Zorro: Yep.
SiM: Peter also has his Element Gun, which can...
Zorro: (Gulping sound is heard) That goddamn object can friggin shoot fire, dirt, electricity, and ice. It can helling do that!
SiM: Zorro, you're drunk. Helling isn't a word. But you are correct about the element gun. Tied to the lore of the Spartax royal family...
Zorro: Respect the royal fam, yo!
SiM: Still drunk... Star-Lord's element gun is sort of like the Green Lantern ring. It's power level is theoretically unlimited, as it's output is only limited by the owner's will.
Zorro: Yep. I'm not drunk anymore, so don't worry.
SiM: How the hell... I'm not even gonna ask.
Zorro: Don't. You DON'T wanna know. Anyways, Peter has his classic quad blasters, basically the DK-44 of his own.
SiM: These are regular blasters and can be used in tandem with each other.
Zorro: Only some weak-ass would go for solo quad blasters. It's just not done. It's like throwing Ben Ten off a cliff. How long do you think he's gonna survive with those wobbly-ass bones? Huh?
SiM: Not funny. Just sadistic. But Star-Lord, despite all this, isn't devoid of all sin.
Zorro: Our little Star-Prince here can be a little pain in the ass, as well as a bad leader and boyfriend. Disgusting!
SiM: But his most powerful trait isn't his arsenal or skills. It's his raw determination to never give up.
. "You said it yourself, bitch. We're the Guardians of the Galaxy."
'Death Battle'[]
''SiM: Alright. The combatants are set.
Zorro: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!
(Cue: Thor Ragnarok Theme 0:00-0:25)
Setting: Bar, unknown galaxy or planet
As a burly green alien threw a man out of the bar, through the window, a shady-looking smuggler sneaked in through the back door. Covering his mouth with his collar, he whips his eyes from side. Buff, gritty looking bartenders shoot him a look before returning to their work, and the man was able to surpass them. He sat down, next to an equally mysterious compadre. His friend was sipping a drink, looking as if he didn't notice the person straight across him.
Han: You got the money?
The man turned his head, his piercing yellow eyes glaring into Han's soul. He placed his drink down carefully, swallowing his previous sip. He stroked his beard, thinking carefully prior to giving an answer.
???: Steady, Solo. I will give you the units once you get me Star-Lord. Dead or alive.
Han looked left and right to see if anyone was listening in on their conversation, and his hand was resting on his blaster, just in case. But everyone was yakking on and on, not even paying attention to the pair in the corner.
Han: And you know I will. So just hand over the money.
The alien chuckles softly. Taking another sip of his drink, he studies Han once more, his eyes narrowed. Han Solo felt a small drop of sweat form on his forehead, but he dismissed it and glared back.
???: Yes, yes. That what they all say. Listen, I have sources. Sources you cannot even comprehend. And they would make you a very rich man. Very rich indeed.
Han let his blaster go and placed his hand on the dirty table, gazing straight into the man's eyes. The alien seemed nervous, taking nervous looks at the floor, the roof, and other customers as Han stared.
Han: I will bring back the Ravager. And he won't even see it coming.
The man smirked, pushing his chair back as he stood up. He slammed his money on the table, next to his unfinished drink. He left the bar, only stopping next to Han's ear to tell him something:
???: You screw up on this one, you're gonna kick the bucket. In a big way.
Han, shortly after his client left, crashed through the window and boarded the Millenium Falcon. Revving up the ship, he had only one thought it mind. Kill the Star-Lord.
Meanwhile...
Planet: Orgarlo, Sector: 23457, Galaxy: Pyroneon
Star-Lord, AKA Peter Jason Quill, activates his helmet. The hi-tech device forms all around his face as the lenses click on, giving him readings about the place. It's dark, only one moon shining above. Stars are scattered throughout the sky, littering the black-as-Alien-X night like sprinkles on a cupcake. Peter trudges along, groaning about the mud entrusting his boots. Jumping over some turd, he reaches for his Walkman, grabbing his headphones and slowly slipping them on.
(Stop T:R, cue Come and Get Your Love)
As Peter kicked around some mud and murky water, he couldn't here a ship landing behind him. As he dances around, a laser flies through the air and clips his helmet. Star-Lord turns around, seeing Han Solo standing forty feet away from him, his boots covered with mud, his shirt flecked with small drops of water. Star-Lord holds his arms in the air, turning off the Walkman.
(Stop music)
Han: Why hello, douche.
Star-Lord slowly advances upon Han, appearing harmless.
Peter: Uh, hey! I mean, please put the gun down, I don't want a fight, y'know?
Han Solo pretends to place the blaster back on his belt, Quill flips up one of his quad blasters, and the two shoot at the same time, a small explosion happening in midair, smoke clouding both of their vision. Star-Lord's helmet cleared up the crud, and the two scoundrels were staring at each other.
Peter: (While taking off the helmet) Everybody's trying to kill me now. Guess I'm the new Iron Man.
FIGHT!
The two scoundrels were motionless, staring at each other as they both waited to fire. The screen goes into slo-mo as Peter and Han backflip, firing shots at the same time. The two beams clash, creating a huge flash of light, momentarily blinding both of them.
Han: You'll pay for that!
Peter: Promises, promises.
The two were both on the ground, and they stumbled up, racing for each other. They both stuffed their blasters in their respective containers, and the leapt into the air, water flecks flying into the air, rocks being thrown backwards. Their fists were stretched backwards, ready for a super punch. The two bounty hunters fists met, making them both yell in pain as they flew back.
Peter: Y'know what, 1980s? I'm done with this stuff!
Han: What the hell...
Peter threw down a gravity mine, pulling Han towards it and trapping him. As Han tried to escape, Star-Lord took his chance and ran back to the Milano, hopping over large stones and leaping over puddles. He raced inside, almost falling into the cockpit and starting up the ship.
Peter: Good riddance!
As he flew into the sky in an uncertain hover, he gasped and shook his head. A much bigger ship was in front of him, the Millenium Falcon. Solo smirked in the cockpit, and Peter narrowed his eyes.
Peter: Son of a! He has his own ship too? That price of turd...
Peter whipped his ship around and went full speed ahead, a streak of fog following the rear of his ship. Han rolled his eyes, muttering, Coward. He followed Peter close behind, threatening him. Peter kept his pace, and Han Solo began to get bored with the "game". He amped up his speed, zipping past the Milano in a second. Peter stared at him, his face sunken.
Peter: Can't I get one freakin' second of a head start?
Han: Head starts don't exist, only head OFFS.
At those words, Han instantly began firing. Beams slammed into the wings again and again, wearing them down each time. Peter felt himself falter before revving up the weaponry, firing as hard as the ship could take. Two tandem blasts slammed into the Millenium Falcon, doing minimal damage.
Han: Gonna have to do much more than that, kiddo. Why don't ya just surrender?
Peter: Err, look over there!
Peter pointed into the sky, where nothing particularly interesting was happening. Han Solo closed his eyes and shook his head, letting out a groan of disgust.
Han: You thought I'd fall for that damn trickery?
When Han realized Peter had taken the opportunity and had ran away. Han turned his ship around and around, but his adversary was nowhere to be seen. As Han looked around, however, he noticed a large mountain, rocky and basically devoid of grass.
Han: Slimy little rat...
As Han flew around the mountain, four blasts met his vision, making him duck as the intense light flooded his eyes. When he was able to regain sight, he saw Peter was still there, thankfully.
Peter: Take this!
BLEEEM!
He let one, continuous thick blast rip from the Milano. While Han was looking for him, he had merged three pieces of weaponry to make it. Han met it with ten blasts from the Millenium, and the two met.
KRAKAKOOM!
The two pilots gasped as a huge explosion engulfed the mountain, smoke clouding their eyes as their ships flew back towards the ground because of the shockwave caused by the clash of weapons.
Part 2: On Even Ground
The two heroes were on the ground, fifty feet away from each other. Han Solo's jeans were ripped, and his shirt had a huge tear on the chest. His mouth was bleeding, and his face had many a bruise. He stumbled up, using a shaking hand to slip out his explosives and his blaster.
Meanwhile, Star-Lord's Ravager jacket had kept most of his body protected, but his cheek had an oozing red cut, and his hair had an unusual parting, signaling a cut on his scalp. His Ravager jacket couldn't take much more, either, the back ripped and the elbow all but torn off. He stumbled up, blinking repeatedly as he picked up his quad blasters, his element gun still buckled safely into his belt.
Han Solo, watching as his enemy regained his bearings, could not allow Peter to take another move. He whispered, fire in the hole, and flung his explosive at Star-Lord, the bomb flashing as Star-Lord ducked for cover under a large piece of shrapnel. The bomb went off.
BABOOM!
The shrapnel was shattered into pieces, and Quill was face-down on the muddy ground. He turned his face around, reaching for his quad blasters. But Han Solo was there, and kicked away his weapons.
Han: Not so powerful without your toys, huh?
Peter: Not so sure about that, ya big turd blossom.
Peter leapt up instantly, and the two were locked into combat. They exchanged punches, and even a kick or two. Han Solo landed a solid punch on the nose, and a cracking noise echoed throughout. Peter shook his head, white dots clouding his vision, and retaliates with a right hook, Han Solo's head flying back. Han grabbed his cheek, his bones pulsing with pain, and threw a left hook at Quill. Star-Lord grabbed the fist, flipping Han Solo over.
Han: You're gonna pay for that!
Peter: Am I, though?
Peter walked away, leaving Han on the ground. Han yelled at him, grabbing his DK-44 and letting a huge beam rip. Peter shrieked in pain and fell over, quickly putting on his helmet again to avoid the spike right in front of him.
Han ran towards him, placing his foot on his back and his blaster pointed at his skull. Peter turns his head to look at his assailant, a small amount of fear seeping through his mind's defenses.
Han: Any last words, Star-Prince?
An epiphany popped into Peter's mind, and he started up his Walkman, turning on Hooked on A Feeling.
(Cue: Hooked on a Feeling: 00:40)
Peter: Yeah. Dirt!
Han: What the hell?
Peter rolled out of Han Solo's grip, pushing himself up and stretching. He revved up his element gun, blasting out an electric current.
ZAP!
Han was on the ground instantly, spasms ripping through his being. Peter was sitting on the ground, laughing hysterically at Han as the bounty hunter shook and shook. He turned around, looking for any signs of help, but that was the wrong move. Han was at his neck, lifting him up and choking him. Peter struggled under his grip, dropping his element gun.
Han: You're done. And thst bounty will make me rich as hell.
Peter: Wouldn't count on it, dick.
Peter kicked Han in the chest with two legs, throwing Han tens of meters away. Han stumbled up, bruised and bleeding, his fists raised for another fight. Star-Lord reached for his element gun, choosing his earth option.
Han: I... gah... could do this...orgh... all day.
Peter: Too bad it's night.
Star-Lord let 'er rip, the dirt engulfing Star-Lord as a crack rang through the air.
CRRRRICK!
Han was an emotionless stone statue, locked in his fists-raised-up position. A small breath came through. Star-Lord raced for the statue and kicked it with all his might, breaking it apart.
KO!
Aftermath[]
Peter rummaged through the remains of Han, and he blinked with anger when he saw a card. It belonged to Orloa, a Chitauri who worked for Micheal Korvac. He picked it up and stomped on it, covering it with dirt. Peter yelled into the sky.
Peter: Korvac! You dick!
Meanwhile...
On Korvac's ship, Orloa kneeled to his master. Korvac's chair was turned, and Orloa couldn't see his face. Han Solo hadn't come back, and perspiration formed on his forehead as he spoke up.
Orloa: Sir...
Korvac: Is Star-Lord dead?
Orloa: Well, no, sir... But I have other sources and I...
Korvac whipped around, his face hardened with anger.
Korvac: I asked you to kill him, didn't I?
Orloa: Yes, my liege, but...
Korvac blasted him with energy, incinerating his soldier. Be turned back to his original place, deep in thought. Even his most loyal servant had failed! Now... He called up one of his generals on his hologram, his eyes narrowed.
General: Yes, sir?
Korvac: I have a task for you, Chitauri. Kill the Star-Lord. By any means necessary.
General: Acknowledged.
Korvac: Good.
The hologram was closed up, and we are left in darkness, except for Korvac's glowing aura...
Results[]
(Cue: This) ''Zorro: Awesome sauce!
SiM: This was honestly a stomp for Star-Lord in almost all aspects.
'Z'orro: Yep. Han may have had more experience, and more combat experience, but that honestly didn't help much.
SiM: Over ten years of formal training trumps Han Solo's informal combat experience.
Zorro: "But SiM, Han could dodge lasers! And he was the better pilot!"
SiM: Those two facts may be true, but Han had no counter to Peter's arsenal and element gun, as well as his enhanced skills.
Zorro: And being the better pilot doesn't help in a fist fight, does it?
SiM: Correct.
Zorro: Guess Han was soloed.
SiM: The winner is Star-Lord.
Advantages and Disadvantages[]
Han:
+More Experience
+More combat experience
+Better pilot
+Better reaction speeds.
-Less of an arsenal
-Less effective of an arsenal
-Had no counter to Star-Lord's arsenal or combat skills.
-Weaker
-Element gun. Period.
-Star-Lord could have easily snapped his neck
-Less durability
Star-Lord:
+More combat experience/skills
+More of an arsenal
+More effective of an arsenal.
+Element gun. Period.
+More Durability.
+Han had no counter to any of his stuff.
+Stronger
-Less overall experience.
-Less of a pilot.
-Inferior reaction speeds.