Han Solo VS. James T. Kirk is an episode of TheDudeMcDude's Death Battles featuring Han Solo from the Star Wars franchise and James T. Kirk from the Star Trek franchise.
Description[]
Star Wars VS. Star Trek, this age old conflict is reignited by it's two most prominent captains.
Polls[]
Interlude[]
Wiz: Since the early days of exploration, crews of adventurers took to the seas in hopes of finding lands afar.
Boomstick: Who knew in the future we'd be doing the exact same thing, except you know IN SPACE. Although a well trained crew would be nothing without their Captain.
Wiz: Han Solo, Star Wars' the smuggler turned rebel hero.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyse their weapons, armour and skills to see who would win a Death Battle!
Han Solo Jumps to Light Speed into Death Battle[]
Wiz: Mos Eisley Space Port. As a wise man once said, you may never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Boomstick: Aww come on, it can’t be that bad. Seems like my kinda place, look at all these cool guys and check out that catchy tune.
Wiz: But if you were to look past all these criminals and felons, you may come across a diamond in the rough.
Boomstick: Han Solo, Captain of the Millennium Falcon.
Luke steps out into the docking bay of Mos Eisley and sees the Millennium Falcon for the first time
Luke: What a piece of junk!
Han: She’ll make .5 past lightspeed.
*Note: There are two different canonical timelines for Star Wars Media, the Canon Timeline and the Legends Timeline. This analysis will be using both sources for Han as limiting him to just one iteration would be excluding a large part of the characters history.
BACKGROUND:
NAME: HAN SOLO
SPECIES: HUMAN
FAVOURITE POSSESSION: MILLENNIUM FALCON
FACT: EXPERT IN SABACC
Wiz: Many stories shroud Han’s origins, but many facts have stayed the same. Born on the planet Corellia, some say Han was orphaned, others say he may have had a family at one point.
Boomstick: Some even say he was raised by Wookies. Imagine that, your own family of sasquatches.
Wiz: One point has been clear from the get-go, Han learned to rely on no one, except himself. And growing up among criminals and gangs you really couldn’t blame him.
Boomstick: Somewhere along the line Han managed to forge his own destiny and took to worlds beyond… being a smuggler for gangs and criminals… so I guess some things don’t change.
Feats
-Survived being frozen in carbonite
-Took a hit from Black Krrsantan
-Has dodged Blaster fire
-Defeated 3 gladiators in unarmed combat
-Granted the rank of Lieutenant in the Imperial Navy
-Made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs
-Was awarded both classes of the Corellian Bloodstripe
-Fought through a ship of Bio-Zombies
-Survived close range explosions from grenades and detonators
-Became one of the greatest champions of the Rebellion and the Resistance
Wiz: Being a smuggler, Han has a reliable arsenal at his beck and call.
Boomstick: Such as his trusty Blaster Pistol, specifically a DL-44 Heavy Blaster Pistol.
Boomstick: Perfect for dealing heavy damage at close range such as being able to blow a hole through a guys torso. Unfortunately, it is notable for overheating.
Wiz: When separated from his Blaster however, Han is still no pushover. He has some knowledge of the martial art Teräs Käsi. A form of fighting made specifically for fighting Jedi unarmed.
Boomstick: Being a smuggler, Han has experienced a lot throughout his time on the Outer Rim. This guy graduated flight school as a Lieutenant in the Imperial Navy, only to say “to hell with it” and leave when he met up with Chewbacca and freed him from slavery.
Wiz: From then on, the skies were the limit, quite literally. After winning a ship from a new friend called Lando Calrissian, Solo returned to his smuggler ways with the Millennium Falcon working for notorious crime gangs and families such as the Hutts of Tatooine. Although initially seeming to be out for himself, Solo did hold some resentment towards the Empire and when faced with the choice, Han chose to fight alongside Luke Skywalker, rescue Princess Leia and joined the rebellion and with that came some great accomplishments.
Boomstick: This guy fought off some of the most dangerous bounty hunters in the galaxy such as Boba Fett, survived close range explosions and even fought his way out of a ship full of bio-zombies. To say nothing of the numerous battles he's been caught up in while apart of the Rebel Alliance, both on the ground and in space.
Wiz: Although he is known for his quick gun-play, Han’s physical skills are not to be dismissed. This guy has survived being frozen in carbonite, a process usually used for encasing high-pressure gases. The only other known survivor of this was famed Jedi, Anakin Skywalker.Then there was the time he took a hit from a Wookie known as Black Krrsantan, who was able to lift an enormous boulder with ease.
Boomstick: On top of that, he’s quick too. He has consistently evaded close range Blaster fire. Which have been noted to move at light-speed. Damn, with such a resumé it’s no wonder this guy has managed to tick off some of the worst the underworld has to offer.
Wiz: Han is impressive, but don’t overestimate him. He is an opportunist by nature, wanting to drift from place-to-place looking for the next big adventure. Despite being quite a well-trained and smart guy he’s also pretty brash. He’s the kinda guy to jump in head first and think about the consequences later. Thankfully, he has grown to care for others more as time has gone on, even settling down and having a family in both Star Wars canons.
Boomstick: Also, keep in mind that Han, even in the Star Wars universe, is very much an average guy. He isn’t gonna be able to pull any of that fancy Jedi moves and if he gets a fatal wound in the wrong place, it’s over for him. Like how he confronted his son Kylo Ren and thought he could change him back from the dark side, guess how that went for him.
Wiz: He also doesn't think some plans through fully before enacting them, I mean Jabba did hire numerous bounty hunters just to find Han and yeah, the reason for this was pretty shortsighted on Han's part.
Boomstick: Talk about brash. Dumping all of Jabba's cargo out just because he saw an Imperial cruiser coming? I mean it may have helped him in the moment but definitely not in the long-run.
Wiz: Even so, Han Solo has more than earned the recognition he deserves as both a smuggler and as one of the best the Rebel alliance has to offer.
Han: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
James T. Kirk Warp Speeds into Death Battle[]
Wiz: The year is 2265. The United Federation of Planets were beginning an ambitious and enormous endeavour of exploration and discovery. This was known as the Five-Year Mission.
Boomstick: To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations and of course to boldly go where no man has gone before…. Y-you get the idea.
Wiz: The United Federation tasked Starfleet, their main force of defence and exploration, with this incredible task and gathered up their most formidable officers to fulfil this mission. Among them was James T.Kirk, Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Boomstick: Wiz, please. He prefers 'Jim'.
BACKGROUND:
NAME: JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK
AGE: 32 (5 YEAR MISSION / TOS) MID-LATE 20'S (KELVIN TIMELINE) LATE 40'S-MID 50'S (MOTION PICTURE – THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY) 65 (DEATH)
SPECIES: HUMAN
FACT: BLACK BELT IN KIRK-FU
*Note: There are two separate timelines for the Star Trek franchise, the 'Original timeline' and the 'Kelvin timeline'. We will be examining both timelines for Kirk as leaving out one would be excluding a large part of the character’s history.
Wiz: Born in Iowa, Earth in the year 2233. As Kirk grew up he was inspired by his father to join Starfleet and follow in his footsteps.
Boomstick: Aww, ya see? That’s how it should be. A d-dad to….*sniffling*….t-to inspire you.
Wiz: Eh, w-well… getting back to it- Kirk entered the Academy in the early 2250’s, but apparently he graduated a few short years later in 2255 and immediately started to make a name for himself among Starfleet serving as a Lieutenant under Captain Garrovick.
Boomstick: And then came that 5 year mission we mentioned earlier. Kirk was given command over his own ship and crew and together they roamed the Galaxy for what would become one of the most influential eras for Starfleet.
Wiz: Throughout this mission Kirk has crossed paths with warlords, despots and even 'odd' yet powerful entities.
Boomstick: Being a natural-born prodigy with some of Starfleets best training allowed him to be ready for almost anything.
Wiz: When not hanging out on the bridge Kirk is usually down in the Enterprise’s workout room. Standard Starfleet training includes martial arts and disciplines such as Judo, Boxing and Karate.
Boomstick: And ya mix them all together and ya get KIRK-FU! Super aliens giving you trouble? A quick chop to the head of kick to the torso and the tide of battle is surely changed.
Wiz: Well- whatever you want to call it- It’s pulled kirk through some tough brawls with different kinds of species, physically superior to humans including his good friend Spock who went a little crazy during that whole pan-farr fiasco.
Boomstick: Like how he took hits from the Gorn who could lift and toss an enormous stone boulder which, from just a glance, looks like it should be in the 4 to 5 tons range.
Boomstick: Let’s not forget the time he beat the crap out of the Klingon leader Kruge and this was when Kirk was fairly older than when he was on the 5 year mission, definitely a little out of his prime. Or how he was able to overpower Khan. A eugenics nightmare, who was made to be superior to regular humans in every way both physically and mentally. Just look at him crush a Phaser gun like it’s just a tin can.
Khan: I have five times your strength. You are no match for me.
Boomstick: And you better believe him, have you seen the pecs on that guy?
Wiz: Although Kirk has a reputation for being a ‘brawler’, he is also known for his impeccable skill in shoot outs with his trusty Phaser, a gun that sends out a long prolonged beam of plasma energy at the intended target. According to the book ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation Technical Manual’ it’s said that the beam itself travels at the speed of light and Kirk is armed with not one but two types of weapons and has been regularly caught up in shoot outs while evading the same kind of Phaser beams.
Boomstick: Kirk has been shown using both a Type 1 and Type 2 Phaser. The difference being Type 1 is smaller and easy to conceal and Type 2, a model that is much more powerful at the expense of being bulkier than the Type 1. Don’t get the wrong idea about these guns. They’re not the usual ‘pew-pew’ Sci-Fi laser guns.
Wiz: Phasers are unique when it comes to their optimization. They can be adjusted to either stun an opponent or to completely disintegrate their targets, leaving almost nothing behind of what it’s been fired at. With so much skill on his side Kirk and his crew became legends throughout Starfleet.
FEATS:
-TOOK PART IN A SUCCESSFUL FIVE-YEAR MISSION TO EXPLORE THE UNKNOWN
-TOOK HITS FROM THE GORN
-HELD HIS OWN AGAINST PHYSICALLY SUPERIOR FOES
-OUTSMARTED MANY ENEMIES JUST AS EXPERIENCED AS HIM
-SURVIVED CLOSE-RANGE EXPLOSIONS FROM THE SHA KA REE "GOD"
-DODGED PHASER FIRE
-BUILT A SMALL CANNON OUT OF BAMBOO IN A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME
-SURVIVED NUMEROUS GLADATORIAL-LIKE COMBATS
-PUSHED AN ENORMOUS BOULDER OFF A CLIFF
Boomstick: When ya hear the term ‘done it all’ that describes Kirk here to the ‘T’. Heh, see what I did there?
Wiz: Ugh- Of course you had to say that. Kirk is very accomplished, he is famous from reputation alone. Outsmarting (and muscling) Klingon warlords and genetically altered despots like Khan will do that for you.
Boomstick: What about the time he literally fought a god?
Wiz: Don’t get the wrong idea, this entity, located on the planet Sha Ka Ree, was very powerful but clearly not a god. After all what would a god want with a spaceship?
Boomstick: Ahh yes, the one question i'd definitely ask a god if I were to meet one. Still, Kirk is pretty impressive though. Like when he was clearly unable to out-muscle the Gorn, so he made a make-shift bamboo-cannon which knocked it out with one shot and that thing was able to get right up after an enormous boulder fell on top of it from at least several hundred feet. A boulder that Kirk himself pushed, and judging it's size when compared to Kirk that thing is at bare minimum around 3 tons.
Wiz: Indeed Kirk is impressive, however he is not without his faults. Kirk has been known to bend the rules of Starfleet to serve his own ends and sometimes just disregards them altogether. He also has an arrogant streak. Like how he just disregarded the Kobayashi Maru test. I mean, the whole point of that test is to expect a no-win scenario, but Kirk just flat out doesn’t believe in it.
Kirk: I don’t believe in a ‘no-win’ scenario.
Boomstick: Hey, if you lived through half the stuff Kirk has, you ‘d be pretty full of yourself too, but unfortunately this is true. Kirk, despite his best achievements is still only human. If he gets a wound in the wrong place then it's game-over.
Wiz: He’s not invincible, but at the end of the day that’s exactly the lesson he needed to learn, in order to become one of the best Starfleet has to offer.
Kirk: How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life wouldn’t you say?
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
Death Battle[]
Located on an unknown planet covered in lush and vibrant forestation. Han is walking out from the Millennium Falcon.
Han is talking into a Comlink.
Han: O'k, a few more rounds on this planet and I'm sure we can set up base here.
Luke: Careful a ship has been seen somewhere around that system.
Han: Empire?
Luke: No, definitely not. Smaller, but still much bigger than the average freighter.
Han: Right, I'll keep that noted.
Han puts the Comlink away and no sooner he hears a sound emanating through the forest. Han quickly unholsters his blaster and heads off to investigate.
Kirk is shown beaming onto the planet's surface, the sound of his beaming down carrying throughout the forest. He is accompanied by two red shirts.
Red Shirt 1: Captain, you sure it was this planet?
Red Shirt 2: Looks like a sorry place. Don't think anyone would have much to gain from hiding out here.
Kirk: We're not sure if anyone's hiding.
Kirk slowly begins to turn back to face the red shirts.
Kirk: But the fact of the matter is that the federation has classified this planet as restricte.....
While turning around he sees a lone rogue bearing a firearm behind him and his two officers. The officers notice the Captain's startled face and turn quickly but are shot down by Han's quick draw.
Fight!
Kirk unholsters his Type 2 Phaser and launches a beam towards Han, but Han dodged nimbly out of the way as the beam impacts with a nearby tree. The two continue to fire shots at each other, both keeping up with the others shots, circling around one another.
Han: Quick on your feet aren't ya?
Another shot is fired at Kirk, but he briskly ducks behind a nearby tree. Kirk looks from behind the tree and sees the holes singed through his two officers. A few more shots are fired at Kirk, causing him to retreat behind the tree again. Kirk adjusts his Type 2 Phaser to kill.
Kirk: This planet has been deemed restricted by the United Federation. What brings you here? By order of-
But before he could finish, Han responded while slowly approaching the tree from behind.
Han: Yeah, yeah whatever. I have no time for your politics.
Steadily and surely he made his way to the tree and pressed up against it, certain that his foe is on the other side.
Kirk: I'm certain you could make time.
Han: Sorry, no can do.
With that said, he emerged from behind the tree to the other side, but was startled to see his opponent wasn't there.
Han: W-wha-
A voice came from behind.
Kirk: Have it your way.
Han quickly turned to face the Captain standing behind him with Phaser in hand and jumped out of the Phaser's beam which kept travelling until hit a large boulder. Han looked at the boulder as it slowly disintegrated leaving nothing behind of it. Han snarkily responds.
Han: Well I'll be- Alright you have my attention.
He raised his Blaster once again, this time at close range he fired but Kirk was too quick on his feet and once again dodged out of the Blaster's firing range while also closing the gap between them. Both men started to tug at their opponents weapon. Kirk grabbed Han's wrist increasing pressure, forcing Han to drop the blaster, but Han wasn't out yet. Kirk was quickly knocked to the side with Han delivering a sucker punch to the left side of Kirk's jaw, dropping his Phaser.
Kirk not letting himself get taken aback, Kirk kept focus on Han and noticed the rogue rushing towards him. Kirk responded quickly as delivered a double sided chop to Han's head, followed by a kick straight to his torso
Han: Urgh, darn it.
Kirk then grabbed Han and pushed him up against a nearby tree and brought his fist up for a punch, Han ducked down just in time an Kirk's fist impacted with the tree, Kirk yelled out in pain. This was Han's chance. Han tackled him to the ground and brought his fist up and delivered another punch to Kirk's face, blood coming straight out of his mouth.
Kirk had just about had enough of this. Han brought his fist up again but was caught by Kirk and his fist was slowly forced back until it was out of Kirk's line of view, no was his chance. Kirk brought up his forehead and delivered a strong headbutt to Han's nose, knocking him back and leaving his nose broken.
Han struggled up again in a mild stupor due to the shock he had just recieved to his nose. Kirk stepped up not messing around anymore. Han readied his fist again, but Kirk swiftly grabbed it again with his right hand and delivered a blow to Han's stomach with his left. Han fell to the ground. Han muttered a snark response.
Han: Well, I feel terrible.
Han noticed something to his left near him, it was the gun. That gun his opponent used. Han reached for it, Kirk noticed too late and Han quickly swung up to face the Captain screaming frenetically, firing numerous beams of plasma from the Phaser unable to focus due to still being taken aback from Kirk's headbutt. Kirk, unarmed, tried to gain some distance between him and Han and ran off into the forest. Han quickly came to his senses and got up, scouting the area for his opponent.
Han: Gone? Hmph, musta scared him off-
Then he heard a light beeping coming from his pocket. He looked down and noticed his Comlink was contacting him. The voice heard on the other end startled him.
Kirk: Scared? Oh no. I don't frighten that easily.
Han: What? How did you find a Comlink out here?
Kirk: Comlink? Is that what it is? Seems archaic. There's tons of them in this little freighter I found.
Han: Freighter?
Kirk: Oh wait, is this yours?
Then an enromous gust of wind was blown through the forest and a familiar sound was heard throughout the forest and Han recognised it. The Millennium Falcon's engines were starting up.
Han: Oh no, that ain't good.
Han rushed to the landing site to where he left the Falcon and in a short amount of time he made it, the Falcon still firmly on the ground, but it's engines roaring as if it were ready to take off.
Han hurried into the Falcon and scurried to the cockpit. No one was there. He went to the control panel and set off ships engines. The engines started to wind down, Han let out a sigh of relief, but a voice broke the silence.
Kirk: Don't relax on my account.
Han quickly turned around and saw Kirk standing in the hallway and charged at him with a fury up against the cylindrical wall of the Falcon's hallway, Kirk was taken aback by the impact and found it hard to stand up.
Han: I never allowed you onto my ship, you've outstayed your welcome and I've had enough of you.
Han went to reach for the Phaser still in his possession and went to draw it. Kirk reached for a smaller holster on his belt and drew forth a smaller Phaser, the Type-1 Model. Han fired, but with one last effort, Kirk launched himself out of the Phaser's line of fire and delivered a swift blow to Han's stomach, winding him. Han fell to the ground unable to keep himself on his feet. Kirk stood up.
Kirk: No, I've had enough of you.
Kirk raised his Type-1 Phaser and it's beam launched towards Han, impacting with him as he slowly disintegrated, leaving nothing where he once stood.
Kirk, taking a deep breath, retrieved his stolen weapon from the ground and made his way out of the ship.
KO!
Results[]
Boomstick: Whoa, well that was a brawl for the ages.
Wiz: To be perfectly honest, on paper this fight seemed to be almost evenly matched in a lot of areas and whatever differences in stats Han and Kirk may have had seemed to minor that it hardly really made a difference.
Boomstick: Both have been able to take hits from much stronger foes, both have been able to keep up in gun fights with Blaster fire and Phaser Plasma and both had extensive training and experience to back them up.
Wiz: However, when looked at more extensively Kirk seemed to come out with slight advantages in most areas. Firstly their durability, Kirk was able to take hits from the Gorn, who was able to lift an enormous 5 ton boulder.
Boomstick: There was a difference though, Han took a mild hit from Black Krrsantan, while Kirk got up close in a tight brawl with the Gorn, even surviving a bear-hug from it.
Boomstick: I mean my god, if a regular person were to get bear-hugged from a 5 ton-lifting alien, they'd be jelly in an instant and not only that, the Gorn then launched that boulder several feet away like he was tossing some crumpled up paper ball.
Wiz: Speed on the other hand was quite similar, both have been able to evade and keep pace with their respective weapon's, the Blaster and the Phaser, both of which are stated to be capable of moving at lightspeed. While it would be a stretch to say both Han and Kirk can move faster than light, keeping up with enemy fire in fights would suffice relativistic reaction speeds to both of them.
Boomstick: Although it wasn't all one-sided. Being able to survive through a ship of Bio-Zombies and defeating 3 combatants in a gladiator style tournament meant he could definitely give Kirk a hard time, but sadly ol' Han here couldn't really keep up with Kirk forever.
Wiz: Remember when Kirk pushed that enormous 3 ton boulder off a cliff? Well that also gave him a vast strength advantage, granted this feat is not exactly as what it seems. It's clear that Kirk was struggling to pushed the boulder and it is clear the rigid nature of the cliff may have helped with weakening the boulder's ground, but the fact of the matter is that Kirk being able to move such a boulder in the first place, even slightly, speaks volumes of his strength.
Wiz: Han may be good at knocking out Stormtroopers, but there's nothing to suggest his strength is anywhere close to Kirk's. When also looking at their sets of fighting styles, both had there fair share of martial arts skills, but Kirk knew a greater variety and has had more fighting experience and training than Han.
Boomstick: This is a guy that gets into brawls all the time, so Han surviving a gladiator fight isn't all that impressive when he's going up against a guy who's been in the same scenario almost every week. He definitely held the advantage in hand-to-hand fighting and experience.
Wiz: There weaponry is also worth comparing too. While Han's blaster had some great fire-power and has even been shown to be able to blow a hole through a person's chest at close range, it pales in comparison to the sheer power of a Phaser which could literally disintegrate an entire person while also pertaining much better percision than a typical blaster.
Boomstick: And Kirk doesn't have just one, but two of them. Oh man, now I know what I'm bringing with me to my next shoot out.
Wiz: While both have had military training, Kirk has obviously had a much longer tenure as a Captain and has gone on to become a legend among Starfleet, renowned for his great strategies, quick thinking and leadership skills. Han, despite serving in the Imperial Navy never reached such accolades even when he was apart of the Rebel Alliance he never was regarded with any kind of destinguished position, also Kirk manages to keep his composure in tense situations much better than Han.
Boomstick: Remember, Kirk is a Starfleet Captain, they don't just hand that title out to anyone and later on he even became an Admiral.
Wiz: Han also had that tendency to act before thinking, this made him a wild card and hard to predict, but this act was something Kirk could see through easily. This guy has outsmarted genius supermen like Khan and other military leaders such as Klingons. Han's sporadic nature seemed to be more of a detriment here and yeah, Kirk can be overconfident, but more often than not he's never let that better his judgement.
Boomstick: Yeah, Kirk knows when to make the right call even in the most dire of circumstances.
Wiz: Han was certainly sturdy and skilled enough to put up a good fight, but unfortunately that couldn't compete with Kirk's experience, prowess, strength, durability, superior weaponry and ingenuity.
Boomstick: Look's like Han got "Solo'd".
Wiz: The winner is Captain James T. Kirk.
| Spacemen and ladies’ men | |
|---|---|
| Season | 2 |
| Season Episode | 8 |
| Air date | Some day... |
| Written by | Cheesypickles564 |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Dracula vs Magneto |
Next Allied Mastercomputer vs Anthony Fremont |
Description[]
Star Trek vs Star Wars. Without these two franchises, sci-fi would not be where it is now. While there isn’t truly an answer on which of the two is better, a question that can be solved is which of these two series’ most prominent captains takes it in a fight? Will Captain Kirk prove Han’s bad feeling right, or will Han Solo shoot first?
Interlude[]
Puppy: Captain James T. Kirk, the Enterprise’s first captain.
Kitty: And Han Solo, Star Wars’ smuggler turned war hero!
Puppy: The vast emptiness of space gives multiple opportunities, and as these two’s home series show, the future involves pretty cool spaceships.
Kitty: But a ship’s nothing without its captain, eh? He’s Puppy and I’m Kitty!
Puppy: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
"Captain Kirk Treks Through Death Battle!"[]
(Cue: Star Trek: The Motion Picture - Main Theme)
Puppy: Space, the final frontier. An unknown, vast but amazing spectacle in the sky, where most can only dream of going some day. Humanity’s future lies in the stars.
Kitty: Y’know, let’s just take a look at that future. This is the world of Star Trek. It’s a lot more than just nerds, though!
Puppy: Enter Starfleet. Formed in the year 2130, this group aimed to explore the universe and defend their own planet, through a mix of diplomacy and incredibly powerful military weapons.
Kitty: This whole defense thing was a long time comin’ though, given that after broadcasting messages through space, humanity realized that not all alien species would be great people. Makes sense, given that they’re not people at all…
Puppy: Alongside Starfleet, the United Federation of Planets was formed, serving as a bond between planets like Earth and Vulcan. It is worth noting that Vulcans were the first aliens humanity had ever contacted.
Kitty: So these elf-eared geeks were Earth’s best buds, huh? Got it. The United Federation of Planets later on tasked Starfleet with a formidable task, the “Five-Year-Mission.” The point of this was to extend their explorations ever further and “seek out life and new civilization” and “boldly go where no man has gone before…” you get the gist.
Puppy: But they needed the best of the best to lead this mission, and who was a better choice then James Tiberius Kirk.
Kitty: Kirk’s an interesting guy to say the least. He’s got both a really good legacy with Starfleet, and a really bad one. But let’s go more in depth with his backstory!
Puppy: James T. Kirk was born in Riverside, Ohio in the year 2233 to George Kirk and Winona Kirk. He embraced the culture of his homeland and even idolized Abraham Lincoln.
Kitty: But unluckily for him, his dad dipped every now and then for the sake of his work in Starfleet, making it so that James barely saw the man! His family had to follow each of his father’s postings, eventually leading them to the space colony Tarsus IV.
Puppy: Moving here wasn’t too good an idea, though, because the colony was going through a poverty crisis. The governor made the foolproof choice and decided to execute four thousand colonists, leaving the 13-year-old Kirk as one of the nine eyewitnesses to the massacre. I mean, look at this guy—I don’t know who’d put him in charge of a colony anyways.
Kitty: Tough. After this, Kirk was inspired to join Starfleet to prevent things like this and follow in his father’s footsteps. While he had some troubles securing his place in the Starfleet Academy, he managed to make his way into the school and begin his training for Starfleet!
Popup: Kirk would later have a son (spoiler alert) and barely ever see him, making it evident that he’s actually following his father pretty well.
Puppy: Kirk was a prodigy, having been described by his teachers as a “stack of books with legs” and was even capable of solving a no-win-scenario simulation, using his quick wits and a tiny bit of cheating.
Kitty: Yeah, he wasn’t exactly the fairest guy, but he still excelled at pretty much everything he did at the academy, leading him to be one of their most successful graduates and even gaining the interest of Christopher Pike, who was a Starfleet superstar!
Puppy: He was later entrusted with a Lieutenant position under Captain Garrovick, the leader of the USS Faragut. Kirk served on the ship as fodder on the “phaser gun crew”— an unbecoming job that he would later prove to be above, and he later became the youngest ever officer in Starfleet. Of course, tragedy would strike here as well.
Kitty: A mysterious creature attacked the Faragut, killing every member of the close-knit crew except Kirk himself. And while he survived, his morale was at an all-time low, and he carried that blame with him for much of his career.
Popup: This creature was known as the “Dikironium Cloud” and Kirk would later face off against it.
Puppy: But Kirk’s great record still remained, and that leads us back to the Five-Year-Mission we brought up before.
Kitty: Kirk was entrusted with the command of a new ship—the USS Enterprise, and with his new ship came a new ragtag crew!
Puppy: His crew included Leonard “Bones” McCoy, the foul-mouthed but caring doctor of the ship, Uhura, the composed communications officer, Scotty, the humorous chief engineer, Hikaru Sulu, the helmsman who believes Kirk to be a “prima Donna,” and many, many more.
Kitty: But the one worth singling out is Spock, the first officer and the Enterprise’s science specialist. The two become best-friends over their shared interests, and they had a really strong bromance!
Puppy: Ahem…with this capable crew, Captain Kirk ventured into the cosmos, giving him his own legendary legacy to leave behind.
Kitty: The crew had multiple adventures together, some heroic and some…downright weird. For every time they’ve warded off an ultimate evil, there’s about three episodes following poison-rats or mind-controlling children…?
Puppy: But through it all, they stuck together and continued their ventures throughout the stars…and Kirk’s even picked up some tricks and gizmos along the way.
Kitty: Kirk’s main weapon is his trusty Type 1 Phaser, a pew-pew sci-fi gun that actually goes beyond just laser beams. It has two functions—the first allows him to stun an opponent temporarily, and the other allows him to fully disintegrate them with one good hit!
Puppy: His other gun is the Type 2 Phaser, which has the same properties as the first one except it’s much bulkier and harder to conceal, but it makes up for it with the punch it packs!
Kitty: But if he gets disarmed, he’s even got martial arts to back him up! He’s trained in judo, boxing and karate, but we can’t let out his signature fighting style—Kirk-Fu!
Puppy: Setting the weird name aside, Kirk-Fu incorporates elements of different Earth fighting arts as well as dirty tricks pulled in bars and alleys. It’s confusing, but it’s certainly a sight to behold.
Kitty: But one last thing—we can’t forget about the ship that’s made him who he is, the USS Enterprise!
Puppy: Weighing in at 3,205,000 metric tons, this marvel of engineering is large enough to hold hundreds of people and formidable enough to cruise through the deepest parts of the cosmos with ease. Of course, it has weaponry to protect the ship of any and all dangers.
Kitty: The ship’s main form of attack is in the form of Phasers. Even though they’ve got the same name, they’re nothin’ like Kirk’s guns. These blasts can annihilate things as small as a house and as large as an entire city block!
Puppy: But when you really need a heavy hitter, Photon torpedoes are the way to go. They can move faster than the speed of light and are packed with antimatter which are broken apart on impact and create devastating explosions!
Kitty: But you need good defense to keep yourself from becomin’ a glass cannon—but luckily for Kirk and Co, they’ve got defense in the form of their trusty Deflector Shields! They’re dense energy shields that can switch between different levels. The lowest is still strong enough to repel space debris and the highest can survive torpedos and phasers from opposing ships!
Puppy: And it’s all controlled from the bridge, where they can also allow the ship to turn invisible, engage in video chats with other ships and enter Warp Drive, a form of super-speed space travel where the ship generates its own warp field and distorts the spacetime continuum, allowing the Enterprise to rocket through space at speeds up to 4 billion miles per second, putting the ship’s maximum speed at more than 200000 times the speed of light!
Kitty: This impressive ship was what allowed Kirk and his crew to make their journey, and he later become romantically involved with Carol Marcus, a lead scientist in the Federation. The two later bore a son, but Carol dipped alongside him, leading the Enterprise’s crew into their most perilous journey yet—the fight against the superhuman with a hate boner for the Captain, Khan!
Puppy: Multiple decisive battles led into Khan’s eventual defeat, but he had one last ace-in-the-hole, which was annihilating the Enterprise’s warp drive and disabling them from escaping a nebula. Kirk’s pointed-eared friend Spock made the choice to sacrifice himself and fix the Warp Drive manually, causing him to succumb to radiation poisoning.
Kitty: They were able to escape the nebula, but the sacrifice left a certain guilt in Kirk’s heart. Granted, he reunited with his son beforehand but [sniff] I was startin’ to really like that elf guy…
Puppy: Ahem…well despite the loss of his best friend, Kirk continued to journey with his crew, and while I could spend hours at least rambling about each individual adventure, we ought to get to the conclusion.
Kitty: 17 years in the future, a now-retired Kirk was attending the christening of the new USS Enterprise-B when a distress call from a refugee ship sounded. Kirk took the reigns as captain for one last time—but he was too late. One of the two ships was already caught in a paradox known as “the Nexus” and believed to be destroyed.
Puppy: Kirk still attempted to save the second ship but was caught in the nexus himself, causing him to disappear and be considered dead for the next 78 years.
Kitty: But after some timey-wimey hijinks, the current captain of the Enterprise Jean-Luc Picard, who’s his own can of worms, was sent into a newly formed Nexus and had to team up with Kirk to stop Tolian Soran, a grieving villain hellbent on harnessing the power of the Nexus for himself. Friendship!
Puppy: While they were successful in defeating Soran, Kirk was mortally wounded and died a hero’s death, leaving his own legacy behind.
Kitty: Oh…c’mon, this guy keeps runnin’ into tragedy…but now let’s get into his feats!
Puppy: Kirk is far above average physically, at the very least. He’s capable of fighting toe-to-toe with some of the most experienced fighters and hold his own against different aliens, including Spock, who can break through metal and even the arm of the aforementioned Khan.
Kitty: Khan can easily crush skulls and metal phaser guns, and Kirk’s traded blows with him on different occasions! Kirk’s also survived his iconic matchup against the Gorn, who could lift 1-ton boulders with ease.
Puppy: Even with Type 1 Phasers, Kirk can blast through stone and security glass, and with Type 2 Phasers he can destroy as much as a section of a different starship! On the topic of Phasers, Kirk can dodge multiple blasts from them relative ease. Considering that Phaser blasts are quick bolts of pure light, Kirk should be capable of light speed reactions.
Kitty: But what’s even faster is his mind! Whether he’s creating complex tactics or just runnin’ headfirst into a battle, Kirk’s really a strategic genius. He’s outsmarted even the most competent warlords and superior beings while still keeping his human charm. His ship’s able to perform even more impressive shit, though.
Puppy: One of the Enterprise’s antimatter bombs was capable of destroying half of the planet Tycho IV’s atmosphere. Given that the planet was Earth-sized and it would take more than 70 petatons of TNT to destroy the Earth’s atmosphere, it would be reasonable to say that an individual one of those bombs would be capable of creating explosions with the same force of at least 35 petatons of TNT.
Kitty: The ship’s also incredibly durable, given it can tank hits from the Planet Killer, which can destroy planets with multiple shots. While the Enterprise certainly wouldn’t be able to survive a full onslaught from that baby, it’s still pretty impressive!
Puppy: But Kirk is not without his faults. While his ship is incredibly durable, he is not as lucky, and a good hit can strike him down for good.
Kitty: He’s also pretty damn full of himself, and his cheating nature can really drop him into some sucky situations.
Puppy: But even then, James Tiberius Kirk is a legend in both his world and our world, and his adventures into the unknown have inspired many.
Captain Kirk: "There is no such thing as the unknown, only things temporarily hidden."
"Han Solo Shoots First in Death Battle!"[]
(Cue: Star Wars Main Theme)
Puppy: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the Galactic Empire ruled over all of the galaxy. Any rebellion started would be sniffed out instantly, and simply put, life really sucked.
Kitty: There were a lot of things that factored into the Empire’s rise to power, but it’s really just a bundle of corrupt officials and hokey religions colliding, and boom, you get a full-on space dictatorship that pretty much everyone hates, hence the name Star “Wars.”
Puppy: But more rebellions would pop up every now and then, and the most prominent of them all was the imaginatively named “Rebels.”
Kitty: This rebellion group consisted of multiple members like Luke Skywalker, the secret son of the Empire’s leader, Princess Leia, the secret DAUGHTER of the Empire’s leader and everyone’s favorite smuggler and ladies’ man, Han Solo!
Puppy: Born in the year 32 BBY on the rough-and-tumble planet Corellia, Han’s life was humble from the very start. His father Ovan built spaceships for anyone who’d buy, and he’d seemed like a happy man—but to anyone who knew him close enough, there was someplace that he’d rather be.
Kitty: While he wasn’t exactly close to his father, Han shared the same dream as Ovan, to leave Corellia on one of those fancy-pants ships he made and venture throughout the galaxy! Ovan believed that Han was meant to pilot ships rather than follow in his footsteps and build them…which is empty advice, because Ovan kinda ditched him later on. Harsh.
Puppy: Now without a father figure, Han fell into a life of crime to provide for himself. He eventually got a job as a scumrat—the equivalent of a mafia ‘soldier’—for the White Worms crime gang which was, weirdly enough, led by a giant worm named Lady Proxima.
Kitty: Sheesh…if I were him, I wouldn’t take orders from a slug…well Han and his new girlfriend Qi’ra were both vying to get the role as Head of the Worms, though I don’t think that role should go to anyone who isn’t, well… a worm…
Puppy: Are you…are you scared of worms?
Kitty: [Sniff] N-no, definitely not! It’s not at all disturbing how they’re so small…and slimy…Ugh….
Puppy: Hm. Anyways, Han’s dreams were pretty short-lived because he fumbled a job to deliver a valuable substance to the buyers, so as expected, Proxima was furious. Han was imprisoned and was left with no choice but to ditch his home planet and leave with Qi’ra. It would be a lot harder than it sounded, though, because he was kinda…in prison.
Kitty: C’mon, give the man some credit! He did escape but ended up in a whole string of hijinks that involved his girlfriend being captured, him being enlisted in the early Empire, and him being blackmailed and thrown back in jail! This sentence was a bit different though, in the sense that he met Chewbacca, a roarin’ and lovable fuzzball who’s much better than those worms…
Puppy: The two became instant allies and managed to escape the prison together. While Han had problems trusting others, he and Chewbacca had a friendship great enough to defy his superstition. Chewie would stick with Han through thick and thin.
Kitty: Of course, you can have pals but you can also have gals. Han reunited with Qi’ra, who insisted that they needed a starship to outrun the incredibly petty White Worms and keep up in their new smugglin’ business! They came in contact with Lando Calrissian, another smuggler who would also become an ally of Han in the future.
Puppy: Even though he lost the game of cards they played, Han still got the ship for the sake of it. The ship is one of the most iconic names in all of Sci-Fi—the Millennium Falcon.
Kitty: We all know that pancake-shaped machine of action, right? Well despite the fact that the ship’s guns were made for a much larger craft, the Falcon still packs a serious punch.
Puppy: The ship’s armaments include Quad Laser Cannons controlled in a separate compartment, devastating “concussion missiles,” blaster cannons, laser beams, and many, MANY weapons capable of demolishing any starship that crosses the great Han Solo.
Kitty: ‘Course the ship’s sheer size alone would be quite the problem in battles, but that’s where the Deflector Shields come in. These babies can deflect anything from missiles to asteroids—you name it! While it takes multiple generators to cover the whole ship with Deflectors, it’s still a really great defense option.
Puppy: But it’s greatest option for getaways is Lightspeed, a threshold where a ship can enter Hyperspace, an alternate dimension of sorts that allows ships to blast off at speeds faster than light. At it’s highest, the Falcon can cover thousands of light years in a few hours.
Kitty: The ship’s built for speed, which is evident through the feat that Han consistently brags about—running the Kessel Run. I mean, he ran it in only 12 parsecs!
Puppy: Ahem, to elaborate, the Kessel Run was an infamous 20 parsec ship course. Parsecs are approximately 3.6 light years, and Han managed to finish it in the same amount of time that it would take his ship in Hyperspace to cover a distance of 12 parsecs.
Kitty: Y’know, can you speak goddamn English for once? Well when Han needs to get rough outside of his ship, he’s got a few tricks at his disposal.
Puppy: Han’s fighting style relies on his improvisation and willingness to pull backhanded tactics. While he isn’t a professionally trained fighter, he’s been through plenty of situations where he’s had to use his fists and a bit of dumb luck. He’s also equipped with grenades!
Kitty: But that pales in comparison to his skills with a blaster! Han wields a DL-44 blaster pistol that’s incredibly powerful and capable of even blowing holes in people’s chests, though it can overheat quickly.
Kitty: Take that, Greedo.
Puppy: At this point, you’re probably asking what all of this has to do with the rebellion we talked about earlier. Well, it ties in at this point in Han’s story.
Kitty: After Han and Qi’ra went their separate ways, Han got a job as a smuggler under Jabba the Hutt, another…giant…worm…
Puppy: After one of his jobs, Han and Chewie were taking a break at the Cantina on Tatooine, when they were asked by none other than Luke Skywalker and his mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi if they could go with Han on his ship and leave Tatooine so Luke could become a Jedi and save Princess Leia.
Kitty: Both of those things—hokey ancient orders with laser swords and getting involved in war—were not things Han particularly cared for, but he still agreed because of the big fat paycheck they offered.
Puppy: And so began the legendary Han Solo’s fall into becoming one of the greatest pilots in the Rebellion. Of course, when they finally got onto the Empire’s base and began their daring rescue attempt!
Kitty: It was there when Han fell in love with the princess, and the two had a bit of a friendly rivalry even if Han was only in it for the money. After Leia was rescued he planned to go back to smuggling, but he had a change of conscience and decided to help the Rebels destroy the Empire’s base, earning him a medal and a whole buncha allies!
Puppy: He helped the Rebels many times afterward in adventures that spanned multiple films like having to fight the Empire, putting Luke in a Tauntaun’s stomach for warmth and many other things that led to the Empire’s destruction and his marriage to Princess Leia.
Kitty: And as hard as it is to say—this leads us to the sequels. Han and Leia had become estranged from each other and Han went back to his smuggling ways with Chewie, though with a new crew ‘cause they lost the Millennium Falcon. How the hell can you not find somethin’ so big?
Popup: It is worth noting that there was a new Empire at this point, going under the name of the First Order.
Puppy: They ran in with Rey and Finn, who were new heroes following the footsteps of the Rebels, and their first meeting was an odd one—it was the two stealing the Millennium Falcon from it’s hiding place.
Kitty: Han and Chewie eventually did join their quest to find an alienated Luke Skywalker and destroy the First Order which was, weirdly enough, led by Han and Leia’s kid, Ben Solo. Y’know, I kinda think Han could’ve tried to be a father and let his heroism rub off on his kid…
Puppy: Han and Leia eventually reunited at the new-and-improved Resistance Base, and before Han left for one last mission at the First Order’s base, Starkiller, Leia requested that Han try and return their son to the light side.
Kitty: With a name like that, you should expect that you’re in over your head, Han. They succeeded in rescuing everyone held by the Order, but Han had one thing left to do, the thing he promised his wifey—reunite with his son.
Puppy: And he did just that…but things didn’t end well for him. Ben impaled Han with his lightsaber, causing him to fall off the catwalk and meet his end.
Kitty: The legendary pilot’s struggles were finally over, even if his final ones were in vain…now to have such a good legacy. Han would’ve had to perform some impressive feats, hmm?
Puppy: Han might be really good with a gun, but his physical feats are nothing to scoff at. He’s fought and defeated armored stormtroopers and can fight powerful aliens like Wookiees, who can easily lift 1-ton boulders over their heads.
Kitty: But his feats are even better with a gun! He has impeccable aim that puts even the most experienced troopers to shame, and he can blast through people’s chests and even some of the most durable armor!
Puppy: Even though he was killed by a Lightsaber, Han’s also pretty impressive in the durability category. He can survived heavy beatings and even being pushed through multiple metal walls by Chewbacca.
Kitty: He can outrun laser blasts, dodge swings from Wookiees, and he’s just generally a very quick person. ‘Course, we can’t leave his ship outta this.
Puppy: The Falcon’s firepower is devastating to a surprising degree. Blasts from it can destroy three Tie Fighters at once, and an even stronger blast is capable of ripping through the hull of the Death Star. Given that these ships are superior to other ships that can survive crashes from orbit, the Falcon would have to be ramming into it with an immense amount of force.
Kitty: It can also tank even worse hits than that Destroyer. The Falcon’s old, yes, but it can survive the pull of a Tractor Beam that was capable of ripping a city-sized dome apart, and many more things including torpedoes, laser-fire and Concussion Missiles. Even if Han’s everyone’s favorite gun-toting space playboy, he’s still got a few faults to his name.
Puppy: Han Solo is incredibly cocky, whether it be in a game of Dejarik or while in action. And even though his gun can really pack a punch, it overheats quite easily.
Kitty: But, Y’know, who cares about that when we’ve got Han’s legacy? Even after his death, his name still remained legendary and others fought for both his old causes and new causes, and even if he’s got a bad feelin’ ‘bout it, Han Solo is the one to trust!
Princess Leia: “I love you.”
Han Solo: “I know.”
Intermission[]
Puppy: Alright, the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities. Feel free to vote for who you believe will win in the poll: https://strawpoll.com/NMnQ5jjJBn6
Kitty: But now! IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!
Pre-Fight[]
Captain’s Log, Stardate 2233.04. The Enterprise is approaching the planet Tatooine. While Starfleet doesn’t normally issue missions like this, our target is Han Solo, a smuggler. We need to take him in for his illegal actions, but just in case he has any dirty tricks prepared, I am going in armed.
The Enterprise enters the atmosphere, and in a matter of seconds, lands on the desert of Tatooine, sending sand flying in all directions.
Inside of the bridge, Captain James T. Kirk prepares to leave, ordering Sulu to “cloak the ship” as soon as he left. The Captain grabbed two Phasers and concealed them in his uniform, before heading towards his exit route. Before he left, Bones McCoy called to him, “Don’t get yourself killed, Jim.”
Kirk chuckles and takes one last glance at the bridge before quickly opening the door. “I’ll try my best.”
Almost immediately after Kirk left the Enterprise, it turned invisible. The heat—the arduous walk ahead…the Captain had been to places similar to deserts, but none quite like this.
“This better be quick…” Kirk mumbles, wiping the sweat from his brow and trudging forward, before reaching the bottom of a small hill. “They could’ve parked closer.”
Slowly scaling the pile of sand, Kirk steps to the top and uses it as a perch to survey the area. It was there when he saw in front of him a bustling town that almost blended in with the dunes and piles of sand—Mos Eisley Spaceport.
Kirk whips out a small, silver Communicator and holds it up to his mouth, hoping his message would go through to the Enterprise. “I’ve found the spaceport.”
Chkkk…
Kirk hits the device, hoping to get it working again, but it was to no avail. He sighs and continues his journey forward.
•••
The captain trekked through the streets of the Spaceport, his eyes wide at all the sights. Illegal deals, fistfights—while it was all barbaric, it reminded Kirk of his rough-and-tumble days. He gives a grin of amusement before treading forward, his boots crunching the dirt and sand beneath them.
As he passes through, the scum and crooks in the street turn towards him and sneer, with one bug-faced criminal who was sharpening a weapon causing Kirk to recoil a small amount.
Kirk halts before a dusty building with music and yells coming from the inside. He pulls his Communicator out again and speaks into it, “And now I’ve reached the Cantina. The smuggler’s in here.”
He stands there awkwardly before putting the Communicator away, remembering that it wasn’t working before. “Right…”
The moment he stepped foot in Cantina, strong smells swarmed Kirk and the yells became louder. The Captain slowly made his way in, his eyes shifting around in his head to locate the smuggler.
(Cue: Cantina Band)
Glasses and punches alike were thrown, and Kirk was nearly hit by an unconscious bounty hunter who was launched across the room!
The captain is suddenly stopped by a stout man with a scar running across his face. He spits and reaches for his knife, pulling it up and holding it at Kirk’s neck.
“Uh…greetings?” Kirk fearfully chuckles, the entire situation catching him off-guard. “What’re ye? Some sort o’ officer?” The man grumbles, pushing the knife forward.
The glimmer of the Starfleet badge resting on Kirk’s chest soon catches the crook’s attention. “Heh…Starfleet? I killed a man from there once…it wouldn’t hurt to add another!”
Before he can deal any damage, the man is stopped by a laser blast that darts across the Cantina and runs straight through his head, splattering blood all over Kirk’s uniform and the floor of the bar. While Kirk’s eyes grew wide in shock, the rest of the Cantina continued as if this was a normal occurrence.
Kirk walked towards the origin of the shot, trying to avoid anymore attention. He noticed that it came from a shaggy-haired, gun-toting man who was leaning back in his booth.
“Thanks a million.” Kirk smirks, warily taking a seat in the booth. His savior’s eyes glimmer in the shadow cast above him, and he nods his head in respect. “Don’t mention it—I hated that guy anyways.”
Before Kirk could speak again, the man leaned forward into the light, outstretching his hand to the captain. “Han Solo.” He introduces himself with a grin.
“James Kirk—“ The captain halts, realizing who he was talking to. “Captain James Kirk.” He warily replies, leaning forward in his chair to shake his target’s hand.
“So what brings you here?” Han slouches back into his chair with a smirk.
“I’m after a criminal.” Kirk simply replies, moving his Starfleet Badge into sight.
“Hmm…are you a bounty hunter?” Han’s smirk diminishes and he slowly reaches for his blaster, raising his eyebrow cautiously.
“Not quite.” Kirk speaks silently. As a matter of fact, the whole conversation was hushed at that point.
The booth remained silent before Han spoke again. “…and who is this criminal?”
Kirk needed to play his cards right to avoid meeting the same fate as the man before.
“That would be…Ahem…you.”
“Figures.” Han chortles, his hand creeping closer to the blaster. “Y’know, I’ve really changed my ways since my old smugglin’ days…it’d be a lot better for both you and me if you forgot all about this and stepped away.”
“I wish I could, Han, but really…” Kirk’s fists open under the table and prepare for what might come next. “Smuggling, hijacking—and even though you saved my life back there, that’s still murder. You’d honestly need a list of reasons for us to not take you in…”
“Tch, tch, tch.” Han clicks his tongue, still staying alert and closely researching his opponent. “You have no idea how ungrateful that sounds.”
It was at that moment that Han raised his blaster above the table, getting ready to pull the trigger. A mere split-second before he could fire, though, Kirk lifted the table up and sent it tipping forward at Han, causing him to drop his gun and stumble backwards!
Fight![]
(Cue: Cantina Band Electro Swing Remix by Dave Wave)
Kirk's immediate action is to dive backwards and take refuge under a table, contemplating his next move. This brainstorm was cut short by the previously flipped table bursting into pieces with a quick red blast!
"C'mon out, captain." Han mutters, cocking his pistol and studying the area. Meanwhile Kirk reached for his Type 1 Phaser on his holster, scooting even further under the table. His eyes perused the Cantina--it was filled with many onlookers, so he'd have to make his job quick before anything could happen.
"...gotcha!" Han chuckles, firing another round from his blaster which connects with the ground a mere second after Kirk could roll out of the way, blowing a crater into the flooring.
Kirk halts his evasive maneuvers once he reached a niche in the wall, where he hid and raised his Phaser close to his face. It was a small, remote-like device, and he pressed one of the buttons. "Set to stun."
The captain immediately leaped from his hiding spot and released multiple precise blasts at Han, which were all in vain due to the smuggler ducking and rolling to his own hiding spot.
"Got some bite to your bark, hmmm?" Han smirks as he readies his weapon for another onslaught. He rises above the table and shoots again, but to his surprise, the captain avoided the shot and did a perfect backflip in the air, landing atop a table peppered with drinks. This act caught the attention of more bar-goers than the fired shots had!
Kirk ignored the cheers from the crowd of stoners as he leaped from table-to-table to evade laser blasts from Han, before making one final somersault towards the smuggler--the glamour of the sight being interrupted by Han catching the captain in place and tossing him into two aliens arm-wrestling, halting their bout and smashing the table on impact.
"You've gotta be kidding me..." Kirk groans, stumbling back to his feet. He looks around and notices multiple aliens looking at him, almost as if they were waiting for his next move. He tries to locate his opponent, but he's caught off-guard by the smuggler leaping from behind and forcing him into a chokehold, prompting another eruption of cheers from the drinkers!
"Dinner...and a show, a good pair...!" Kirk cheerfully grunts as he struggles to break free. "How about we take this up a NOTCH!" Kirk yells with effort, breaking free of Han's grasp and taking the advantage, throwing Han into a nearby booth. The smuggler lands in a flirtatious pose, smashing the drinks on the table but getting the attention of the lone woman in the booth, who winks back. A stun blast from the Phaser is fired and Han leaps away, leaving the discharge to hit his lady friend and send her slumping back into her chair.
"Oh...my condolences!" Kirk expresses some sympathy before raising his Phaser to fire again, with Han doing the same from across the bar. Each shot connects midair and dissipates, despite the precision of their firearms. One incredibly accurate shot from Kirk grazes Han's cheek, giving him a slight stinging sensation. That was his cue to realize the intensity of the situation and bob down to avoid more shots. "You're pretty good with a gun, boy scout!" The smuggler taunts, looking for a new hideout.
"You too...you...uh..." Kirk was at a shortage of words. His opponent was certainly quick both on his feet and with his words. "...you hobgoblin!" Kirk unamusingly retorts, firing even more at Han's hiding spot. The smuggler quickly left his perch and brashly ran forward, trying to ram himself into Kirk.
"Hyahhh!" Han yelled, successfully forcing himself into Kirk and knocking him down, sending the Phaser out of his hand and sliding on the Cantina floors. Han grabs the captain's shirt and raises him into the air, reeling his fist back and preparing to throw a punch.
"30 credits on Jabba's spice-smuggler!" A bystander yells, raising his drink in the air. He's pushed aside by another watcher who retorts with a new wager. "50 on the newcomer! Give him hell!"
Han's fist connects with Kirk's face, nearly breaking his nose and sending him staggering into a table coated with glasses of foreign wine. The captain grabs one of the drinks and thrusts it forward, launching the liquid into the smuggler's eyes and temporarily blinding him. "How about a little bit of Vulcan pressure attacks--maybe some Kirk-Fu?" Kirk chuckles before forcing his fist into Han's gut, causing the smuggler to gasp and fall to the ground.
"Kirk-Fu...? That's the worst thing I've ever heard." Han responds, bounding back to his feet and delivering a sharp left hook to Kirk's face before kneeing the captain in the ribs, causing him to fall backwards into another booth.
"Aye, I take it all back! 80 on Han Solo!" The same bystander from before yells before Kirk flipped the table and forced it forward like a battering ram, pushing Han into the crowd where he instantly blended in and prepared for his next move. "You Bantha fodder...scum...laser-brain..." the smuggler hurled as many insults as he could while he readied his blaster in the center of the mixed crowd of aliens and humans, who all turned towards him. His eyes rose up from his blaster and he noticed the eyes on him. "The hell are you staring at?" Han angrily replies before a Phaser blast darts towards Han's face, grazing his cheek and instead striking the bartender behind him.
"Sorry!" Kirk calls out to the slumped-over barkeep before running head first into the crowd, ramming into Han and sending him sliding backwards and into a bench. The smuggler hits his head and curses to himself--but his attention is caught by his oppressor sprinting towards him with his fist reeled back. Han's hand shifts to his side to find his blaster but returns with what appears to be a...chair leg? It would do.
The smuggler instantly rose to his feet and batted Kirk away, prompting a round of "ooh"s from the audience and sending the captain staggering into a futuristic device reminiscent of a billiard table. "Scuse me..." Kirk gives the man leaning over the table his best winning smile before snatching the cue from his hand and charging at Han.
"En garde!" Kirk releases a subpar battle cry and begins his assault with three subsequent swings that are all blocked by Han, whose riposte is throwing the chair leg at the captain's face, temporarily blinding him. Moments later, Kirk regains his footwork and opens his eyes--only to see Han's blaster pointing at his head.
"Think fast."
The red blast bolted towards Kirk, covering a long distance in a few milliseconds. The captain's reflexes were on-point, however, and Kirk blocked the blaster shot with his billiard cue, saving himself from turning into a mere splatter on the ground but breaking the wooden pole in half. His bewilderment at his own survival is interrupted by the smuggler shoving him with enough force to send him toppling into the particularly large bar, where he crashes into the stacked drinks and sends another round of "hurrah!"s through the crowd.
Han gives a catcall and raises his hands in the air, prompting his audience of stoners and loners to cheer even louder! Kirk rises from the mess of a bar, drenched head-to-toe in liquor and broken glass. He holds a liquid-filled glass in the air. "Romulan ale...the best." The crowd turns towards Kirk, with a significantly smaller amount of cheers coming out. "Never thought I'd have to say this, space cowboy, but...BARFIIIIIIIIGHT!"
Han was surprised by this break in Kirk's normal diplomatic personality, but he was also angry, to put it simply. "Screw you."
In a matter of seconds, the crowd devolves from a cheerful group of bystanders into an absolutely chaotic, futuristic equivalent of a mosh pit! Furniture, drinks, even other people are thrown into the air as aerial attacks!
Han struggles through the crowd, trying to find his opponent and end this chase. Blaster shots whiz by his head as he nimbly jumps over unconscious hopheads, holding his blaster at the ready. "You nearsighted...globs of grease..."
Meanwhile, Kirk stands in complete bewilderment at the tussle before him--he merely meant to overwhelm Han, not cause something this big. Nevertheless, Kirk still readied his blaster and ran into the violent crowd. "If you can hear me, Han Solo, please come quietly--there's no room in this galaxy for the things you've done." Kirk monologues, shifting his Phaser to stun and pushing through the large altercation. "If you give up now, I'm sure you'll be shown mercy by Starfleet--"
"Starfleet my ass!" Han yells leaping from the crowd and landing before Kirk, preparing to fire. The captain was quicker to the draw, though, and one Phaser shot sent Han slumping backwards. The two gambling men from before catch him, helping him back to his feet. "Ey, Jabba's spice smuggler's in trouble! Remember, we got good money on 'im!"
"Damn right, ya think if we whack that space-sheriff we'll still get the credit--" His plan was cut short by a chair flying through the crowd and smashing into his head, leaving his friend to jeer at him. He celebrated too early, though, and he was soon met with a brick to the face.
Han stumbled to his feet, quickly locating Kirk in the crowd and sprinting up to him, delivering a sharp left hook to his face. "That's a fancy blaster you have there...how much for it?"
"It's a Phaser..." Kirk groans with effort as he retaliates with a heavy punch to Han's chest that knocks him into the already-cluttered bar. "And it's not for sale!" With this, Kirk points his Phaser at Han, who smirks and rolls to the side to dodge a blast sent from the small device. The discharge is enough to blow a miniature crater into the counter.
The smuggler slides across the countertop and quickly regains his footwork, aiming his blaster at Kirk. "Just give up already!"
Kirk ducks to dodge a laser blast, leaving it to hit a bystanding alien in the face, blowing through his head and causing him to slump back into his booth. Kirk's eyes widen...dodging alone won't work.
"Get used to standstills! I've fought wars quite like this!" Kirk stands back up and fires two bolts from his Phaser, both of which were dodged by Han, who retorted which both a blaster shot and a witty response. "Don't bore me with your politics!"
Kirk was ready this time, though, and he batted the laser away with a metal tray, sending it into the lighting ahead, completely shattering it and putting the barfight on hold.
"Huh...hey, who turned off the damned lights...?" Multiple voices were heard in the darkness, including Han's. He knew his opponent had redirected the shot--but he hadn't seen where.
"Huh...?" The smuggler gasps moments before the lights flicker back on and he's greeted by Kirk leaping towards him! Han's pupils grow wide as he's knocked to the ground. "...oof!"
Kirk balances himself and fires a Phaser blast at Han's chest, causing him to slink back into the dirt, albeit not lose his consciousness like others hit had. Kirk sighs and pulls his Communicator back out, pressing a button and speaking into it. He gives an exhausted "Scotty...it's done...beam...me up..."
Moments later, Kirk raises an eyebrow and remembers once more that he was having issues with the device. He sighs, "I'll just leave him here..."
As the captain stumbles towards the exit, Han regains his footwork and gets back on his feet and holds a small, circular device in his hand.
"It's not gonna be that easy!" The smuggler chuckles, throwing the grenade in between the two.
"I'm definitely going to feel this tomorrow...!" Kirk grumbles before sprinting towards the Cantina's exit!
He didn't quite make it in time, though.
...
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!
In the distant desert was a small nomad group of Tusken Raiders--otherwise known as the sand people. They were in clothes suitable for Tatooine's weather, all complete with bandaged heads. The massive explosion ringed out through the entirety of the area, alerting even the distant sand people and causing them to yell. They quickly mounted their speeders and bolted towards the source of the explosion. They would find whatever did that--and kill it.
...
(Cue: Barracuda - Heart)
The explosion was enough to send flames through the windows of the Cantina! Residents were also fired in all directions by the explosion, which included Kirk--who was sent tumbling through Mos Eisley before his not-so-gracious landing in a sandy, disc-shaped structure. The captain, who was coated in ash and sand, ran out of the structure to witness the results of the explosion.
"Oh no..."
The Cantina was merely a ruin of what it once was. It was now a giant, flaming pile of rubble, surrounded by many of the bargoers from before, all of them somehow unscathed and cheering in sync. "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
Bursting from the rubble was Han, who raised his arms and absorbed the cheers. Somehow destroying the Cantina had made him MORE loved!
More people step out from the buildings and structures, watching as Han and Kirk both look at each other with thousand-yard stares. "I've got credits on the smuggler!" And "I've got credits on the...other guy!" were both heard from the crowd, who was anticipating both's next move.
"AHHHHHHH!" The two suddenly break out into battle cries before sprinting towards each other with their firearms in hand! The wild throng of people cheers loudly as the two close in on each other, with Han delivering a backhanded feint to Kirk's chest.
"...oof!" Kirk gasps before Han follows up with a roundhouse kick to the captain's forehead, causing him to slide backwards and into a few bystanders, who part and leave a small opening to prevent the captain from hitting them. Kirk is halted by a something metal that he hits his head against. He looks up and notices that it's a large disc-shaped starship creatively obscured underneath a giant tarp. "Ugh..." Kirk groans, standing up and running through the crowd and towards his opponent! "Bucket of bolts..." He insults the ship before aiming his Phaser at Han and discharging two shots, both of which were outpaced by the smuggler.
"That's MY bucket of bolts!" Han was clearly insulted, and he fired his blaster with enough precision for the blast to hit the Type 1 Phaser and shatter it instantly, also slightly burning Kirk's hands. "Yowch...! And what is that starship called?" Kirk was genuinely interested, and he asked this while getting into a fighting stance.
"The Falcon...the fastest in the galaxy! It could run the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs..!" Han grunts and throws a left hook that Kirk ducks under. "I bet my ship could do it even quicker!" The captain retorts and forces his head into Han's chest, causing him to lose his breath and drop his blaster.
"Pshh, only if your desk jockeys could actually do their jobs on the bridge!" Han knees Kirk in the crotch and grabs him by the shirt, spitting on his face. If that wasn't bad enough, Han subsequently throws Kirk into a pile of crates, knocking them over like bowling pins and spilling their liquid contents on the dirt. Kirk reaches for his Phaser--only for realization to hit him. The damn thing was broken.
But no matter, he still had his Type 2 Phaser, which he reached for and realized that it was not in it's holster again. Kirk groaned as his right hand dug through the pile, while his left was pointed upward next to his head. "I give up." He feigned defeat, hoping his opponent was stupid enough to buy it.
"...I'm not stupid." Han clicked his tongue as he walked closer, his finger resting on his blaster's trigger.
"Smart boy." Kirk smirked and quickly jerked his hand into sight, now holding a bulkier and more gun-like Phaser that instantly discharged two lasers, both of which Han was nearly struck by, were it not for his quick reflexes. "Ha!" Han boasts moments before another shot whizzes by his face, this one being sent straight into the crowd and bolting down an alleyway, where it struck a piece of metal and was launched back.
Han's focus moved away from the shot and was set on Kirk, who instantly delivered a right hook to the smuggler's cocky face, causing him to reel away and bob down moments before the same Phaser shot from earlier bolted towards the two, striking Kirk in the chest and knocking the Phaser out of his hands. "Gah!"
The captain is tackled into a small merchant shop by Han, who punches him in the face and suplexes him, pinning Kirk against the sand. "I've...had enough of you!" Kirk mumbles as he pushes upward, allowing him to pin Han against the sand and completely swap their positions in the tussle.
The townspeople were roaring with excitement as the two ship captains rolled across their town-sized fighting ring! Han's tenacity proved too much for Kirk, though, and he managed to hold the Starfleet captain in place.
Kirk, however, stuck his hand out and reached his previously dropped Phaser, pulling it out of the sand and pointing it at Han's chest, releasing a shot that blasted Han into the air and released Kirk from his grasp. Han still managed to woo the crowd, though, and he did a backflip before landing after being shot into the air, aiming his blaster at Kirk. "You were right earlier--the crowd is really eating this up! Too bad they'll have to see your brain splattered across the sand."
"Likewise." Kirk replied, firing a Phaser blast towards the oncoming blaster shot, causing both's discharges to dissipate midair. Enraged at the deadlock, Han begins to absolutely wail on his opponent with shots, each one connecting with the ground seconds after Kirk dodged them, each one blowing a small crater into the sand. Kirk's footwork managed to steal the crowd's attention, even prompting a "This guy's not bad!" from one townsperson.
Kirk dodges one more blast and readies his own counterattack, releasing another shot from his Phaser, this one absolutely nailing the front of Han's blaster--an attack that seemed useless until Han prepared to fire again, only for the overheating blaster to ignite a small explosion before Han, sending him tumbling through the sand and into a stable of some sort, the shade obscuring the contents of the structure's interior.
Moments later, Han runs out of the stable, shaking hay off his shoulders. "It smells awful--"
"MOOOOOOO!"
A loud bellow coming from the stable interrupted the smuggler and caused his eyes to widen as he realized what he'd done. "Banthas."
While the crowd all took a step back, Kirk stood where he was, absolutely confused. "Ban..whats?"
The captain's question was quickly answered when the ground began to shake and the bellows grew louder. Han began to sprint forward and following him was an entire herd of angered Banthas--elephant-sized creatures clad head-to-toe in brown fur, all complete with two spiraling horns on their heads. Han barely manages to outpace the creatures, knocking Kirk to the ground while he tried to escape the stampede.
Multiple townspeople are swept up by the oncoming charge, and Kirk slowly stumbled to his feet, only now realizing what was going on. The captain began to dash away from the stampede, trying to catch up to the smuggler. Han grabs the top of a small structure and quickly scales it, with Kirk following from behind. The Banthas smash through buildings, but the captain and the smuggler manage to outpace them by leaping from building-to-building, fighting while they did so.
Kirk fires his Phaser three times, with Han dodging each blast and leaving the shots to blow small craters into the roof of the building they are fighting on. Han fights back with a perfectly-timed shot from his own blaster, which Kirk attempts to dodge but is struck in the shoulder by, burning that part of his uniform and leaving a red gash. The captain collapses against the metal railing of the building, and Han approaches him with his blaster in hand.
"It's been fun, kid, but I've got a bunch of stuff to do and this has really thrown a real wrench in my day..." Han points his gun at Kirk, who smirks in response.
"And you should be smart enough to never leave yourself open."
"Huh?--" Han gasps as Kirk forces his foot into his crotch, causing him to stumble backwards. Kirk regains his fighting stance and runs up to Han, grabbing him by the shirt and throwing him into the Bantha stampede, which was currently smashing through Mos Eisley.
Even in imminent danger, Han still had time for a snarky response. "Don't think you're off the hook yet!~" The smuggler yelled as he fell into the stampede, barely managed to stay on top of the horde of Banthas. He draws another spherical grenade and throws it at Kirk, who has fast enough reflexes to catch the explosive, glance at it and throw it behind him--only realizing what it actually was moments later and pausing, rolling his eyes. "Worlds are destroyed, galaxies are conquered--but smugglers are always the same."
A loud BOOM! accompanied by a giant explosion sent Kirk bolting through the desert air, conveniently landing him atop the Bantha horde. He looks back at Mos Eisley, which was now a mess of crumbled buildings with the only thing left standing being the Millennium Falcon. "Quite the impressive bucket of bolts to survive all that, hmm?" Kirk says to Han as he goes in for a punch to the smuggler's face, with Han grabbing it and forcing the captain's fist back.
"Sure puts whatever the hell your ship's made out of to shame!" Han retorts, forcing his forehead into Kirk's face, breaking his nose and causing him to stumble onto the Bantha in the very back of the stampede.
"If the consequences were different, I'd be willing to race--and even more willing to win!" Kirk smirks, pushing his hand into view and firing a Phaser blast into Han's chest, slightly singing his white shirt and knocking him even further forward atop the horde of Banthas. "I wouldn't count on it." Han chuckles, charging forward with an attempted roundhouse kick that Kirk dodged and replied to by sprinting forward with his arms tucked away, serving as a human battering ram of sorts! Han is forced back and onto the head of the lead Bantha, who angrily moos in response. As Han regains his footwork, he looks at the stampede's direction--it was heading straight for a two-entranced cave!
"I've got a bad feeling about this--!" Han's voice raises into a yell as the stampede splits in two, the other half of the horde carrying the Starfleet captain, who was entirely confused by the situation. Amidst the confusion, the two point their firearms at each other and prepare to fire, only to be interrupted by the cave wall separating them from their targets.
The Banthas trudge on forward, their brown fur flowing in the darkness of the cave. Once another opening in the cave wall appears, the two starmen prepare to fire at each other--only to be interrupted once more by a thicker cave wall. This comedic cycle continues for two more unfinished shots before Han makes the daring leap through the third hole, landing atop the Bantha horde Kirk was struggling with. The smuggler snaps a stalactite from the cave roof and rushes at the smuggler, preparing to stab him in the chest. Small holes in the wall obscure the two, but Han manages to gain the upper hand in their brawl, pushing Kirk's head against the cave wall as the Banthas dash through the darkened cave, the mix of the creatures' velocity and the sharpness of the wall slowly cutting the back of Kirk's head, drawing a sickening amount of blood.
"Hnngggh..." Kirk groans, struggling to escape the smuggler's grasp. Before Han can damage him any more, Kirk breaks free and rolls to the side, regaining control of the Bantha in the front. Kirk squats and rubs his hand across the mammoth-sized creature, alerting it and prompting it to kick it's back legs at the Banthas behind it, missing it's original target but landing two subsequent kicks to the smuggler's chest. "Oof-!"
The smuggler falls backwards, stopping himself from falling off the Bantha by grabbing it's fur and hanging from it's side--which seemed like a good idea until he was almost rammed into a stalagmite! "Flea-bitten furball..." Han kicks the Bantha's side before aiming his blaster at Kirk, who despite having the high ground, was an easy mark for such an experienced marksman. A BANG! scared the stampede of Banthas as they dashed through the sandy cave, and the laser from Han's blaster hit Kirk in the chest with the captain's saving grace being his Starfleet badge, which crumbled into pieces immediately after the shot's impact.
"Huh...?!" Kirk's face contorts into a sneer--while he was glad that he wasn't dead, a symbol of Starfleet had been defaced! The moment Han climbs back to the top of the Bantha horde, Kirk tackles him and forces his fist into the smuggler's face, drawing some blood. Kirk aims his blaster at Han's face in point-blank range, with Han headbutting the Phaser out of the captain's hands a split second before he can fire. "You really need to work on your sharpshooting skills, captain!" Han shoves Kirk away from him and catches the Phaser midair.
Before Han can figure out how to use the firearm, Kirk knees the smuggler's gut and regains control of the Phaser. "Weapon skills are hardly ever needed in my line of work." The captain proclaims, rushing forward and attempting to tackle Han once more. The smuggler flexes his arm and catches Kirk mid-tackle, putting them both in a deadlock as their ride sprints further into the cave.
"Doubt it. From what I've seen in this tussle alone, you really can pack a punch!" Han chuckles, almost as if taunting his opponent to go all-out.
"Oh, uh--thanks! I took a lot of traini--" WHAP! The captain was interrupted by Han uppercutting him. That dastard! He had distracted him!
"Underhanded tactics aren't appreciated on the battlefield--please leave them in your hokey ship!" Kirk retorts, pelting Han with multiple subsequent blows.
"You clearly haven't experienced a real fight, then!" The smuggler takes each blow and knocks back with a sharp right hook, knocking two of Kirk's teeth out and making him lose his balance atop the already out-of-control Bantha horde! He looks back and sees light--they were reaching the end of the cave!
"Have you...have you ever read Moby Dick?" Kirk chuckles, silently readying his Phaser. "From hell's heart I stab at thee!"
"Not again..." Han swiftly pulls out his blaster, but Kirk was quicker to the draw! He fired a stun blast strong enough to push Han into the air, causing him to be sent bolting further in front of the stampede, leaving him to be trampled!
Kirk silently congratulates himself and does a fistpump as the stampede runs over Han. If that didn't knock him out, Kirk didn't know what could. The captain leaps off of the horde, landing in the sand next to Han. "That was fun, space-cowboy, but you have to pay for your--"
HUNK-HUNKK!
What sounded like a donkey's bray alerted both Kirk and the barely-conscious Han, who quickly stood up and readied his blaster. "Tusken Raiders...captain, could we set our differences aside and survive these things? I'd rather have just you dead rather than the both of us..." Han spoke in a suspicious tone.
Kirk was already expecting a betrayal--but he would much rather survive. He nodded mere seconds before a horde of Sand People all burst into view, each one wielding a sharp metal pole!
(Cue: The Land of the Sand People - John Williams)
"Hunk-HUNNNNKKK!" The bray of the lead raider orders the rest of the sand people to brandish their weapons--metal sticks with blades at the tip--and attack the two ship captains all at once! "Wooah!" Kirk yells as he dodges a swing from one of the raiders' weapons, accidentally leaving the attack to almost take Han's head with it! Han's eyes widen and he whips out his blaster, firing two rounds at a raider who spins his pole around to block the blasts, returning the favor by throwing his stick like a polearm at the smuggler!
Meanwhile Kirk takes a much more strategic route to fighting off the raiders, hiding behind a small dune to ponder his next move. His brainstorming is halted by one of the raiders swinging it's pole right over the captain's head, taking a few hairs with it. Rather than continuing to think, Kirk stands back up and switches the function on his Phaser before firing a single blast that strikes the raider in the chest, instantly disintegrating it! "One down, however many more and one smuggler to go..."
Han managed to grab the spear and throw it back, impaling the chest of the raider he was fighting. The smuggler celebrates too early, though, and two more raiders leap from the shade and raise their staves high! Han thinks fast and quickly fires his blaster twice, both shots blowing through the chests of the raiders.
Kirk struggles against an increasing amount of raiders who ditch their own strategy and dogpile the captain, pinning him against the sand. "Hunk-hunka-HUNK!" The raiders yell as they attempt to smother Kirk, who can barely move below the massive pile of raiders over him. "I don't...believe in a no-win...scenario..." Kirk mumbles to himself, raising his Phaser under the immense weight and firing, the discharge disintegrating the lead raider and shrugging the rest of the dogpile away from the captain.
Han stumbles away from his fill of raiders, landing right next to Kirk. They both look each other in the eye, smirk, and get into fighting stances! Raiders take turns attacking the two with pompous war-cries and flurries of stave attacks, but each one is put down by a blaster shot from their two targets. One swift raider manages to weave through the blaster shots and drive a dagger straight into Han's shoulder, prompting a gasp but not any moment of weakness--instead, the smuggler reels his good fist back and delivers a punch into the raider's metal mouthpiece, breaking it on impact and sending the sand person barreling backwards.
Kirk was once again struggling against a small mob of raiders--whether it be because of his favoritism for diplomacy or the sheer amount of sand people assaulting him. Nevertheless, the captain is still more than capable of dealing devastating blows, each punch capable of knocking less-durable raiders out instantly!
Once Kirk finishes off the last raider, he turns to Han, who was busy beating a sand person's bandage-coated head against a boulder. The smuggler looks sheepishly at Kirk, releasing the raider and instead reaching for his pistol to finish the duel from before--but he's interrupted by two familiar sounds.
"MOOOOOOO!"
"HUNK-HUNNNNNNNNNNNK!"
Over the horizon is three Banthas, now with raiders riding atop them. They're fitted with makeshift saddles and their fur blows in the wind as they continue their fervent charge towards the two ship captains. "I hate those things..." Han mumbles, drawing his blaster! Kirk looks to his left at the smuggler and decides to draw his firearm as well.
Every shot is a close one, but the colossal creatures were too fast for them to hit. Once Kirk realizes the closing distance between the mounted raiders and himself, he leaps to the side, leaving Han alone to be smashed against the rock wall by a high-speed Bantha! The massive creature falls limp and Han breaks free, quickly drawing his blaster and sniping the raider atop the Bantha, blowing his head off and sending his body falling to the ground.
Kirk tricks another Bantha into ramming itself against a boulder, angering the raider on top of it and causing it to jump down, swinging it's blade in a flurry of tricks, attempting to intimidate the captain. Kirk responds by shooting it once with his Phaser, disintegrating it instantly. He turns around and sees Han make quick work of the mounted raider, blasting a hole into it's chest.
The two ship captains, heavily injured, approach each other and sigh. "So much violence..." Kirk groans, seemingly having forgotten what he was even fighting Han about in the first place. Han had reminded him, though, by quickly drawing his blaster and firing at Kirk's shoulder, causing him to slump to the ground.
"You certainly gave me a run for my money, cap'n." Han chuckles, looking at the sky. A sudden sonic boom catches Kirk's attention, leading him to notice Han's ship from earlier landing before the two. "Later." Han smirks, sprinting into the opening hatch of the Millennium Falcon, moments before the ship takes off and exits the atmosphere in a manner of seconds!
Kirk grumbles and groggily stands back up, grabbing his shoulder in pain. "Hnghh..." He whips out his Communicator one final time, pressing down on it and raising it up to his mouth. "This better be working...beam me up, Scotty..."
Moments later, Kirk disappears in a red flash, leaving the small patch of sand empty apart from scattered Tusken Raider corpses.
...
The Falcon cruises through the vast galaxy, with Han sitting in the cockpit with his furry friend, Chewbacca. He raises a flask of ale stolen from the Cantina earlier. "...and to a successful escape!" He hiccups, dropping the glass and taking the controls of the ship.
Chewie gives a sardonic roar, seemingly insulting Han's 'perfect escape.' Han chuckles, softly elbowing his companion's arm. "Laugh it up, fuzzball."
The two continue to share small talk until mere seconds later a loud ZOOM! is heard from behind the ship. "Huh...?" Han raises his eyebrow, pressing a button on the control board that generates a small screen before him, showing him what was behind his ship.
"What kind of a freighter is...dammit." Realization hits him as he notices "Starfleet" plastered on the side of the much larger starship. The cat-and-mouse game was back on.
Inside of the U.S.S Enterprise's bridge sits Kirk, who wears a bandage around his injury and delivers a command to his crew.
"All battle stations...ready!"
(Cue: Restitution - Jerome Leroy)
"That nutjob!" Han yells, shifting into a serious tone. The Enterprise fires three lasers at the Falcon, but Han pilots the ship to swerve around each blast and speed forward fast enough to leave stars as mere blurry lines behind the vessel's great speed. But Kirk was no slouch, and he ordered his more civilized crew to speed up as well, allowing the Enterprise to catch up to the Falcon.
"Photon torpedoes." Kirk yells to the bridge. Sulu responds with an unenthusiastic "Photon torpedoes." and flips a few switches, releasing an incredibly quick torpedo from the middle of the giant vessel.
"Punch it!" Han orders Chewbacca inside their much smaller vessel, prompting his furry companion to smash a button and speed the Falcon up even more, allowing them to outpace the torpedo.
...or so they thought, because the torpedo shifted back upward and rushed towards the Falcon, somehow targeting on it's own!
"Dammit! Chewie, we need our own firepower." The smuggler playfully shoves Chewbacca, who rolls his eyes and growls before leaving the cockpit.
"C'mon, c'mon..." Han sneered as he kept going faster and faster, yet still being unable to outspeed the torpedo. Moments before the explosive could make impact, though, Chewbacca was Han's saving grace and was now manually controlling their Quad Lasers, firing one from the top of the Falcon and annihilating the torpedo.
"Yeah!" Han chuckled before yelling some more commands at Chewbacca, who understood and continued to man the lasers, firing a few rounds at the approaching Enterprise. The deflector shields make quick work of the pitiful counterattack, but one stray laser hits the side of the colossal Enterprise, setting an alarm off.
"We're hit, Jim!" Spock, the pointy-eared and logical scientist of the crew, yelled. "I know that!" The now irritated captain yelled from his chair, leaning forward to get a better look at their target vessel. It was a small ship, but what it lacked in size, it certainly made up for in firepower.
"You seriously couldn't hit that thing, Jim! It's a shrimp..." Leonard McCoy, the ship's medical expert, chuckled from outside of the bridge.
"You do your job and I'll do mine, Bones!" Kirk yelled back, ordering Hikaru Sulu to fire more rounds of the Phasers.
Both ships are locked in a stalemate, with both of their multiple shots being dodged by their opponent's nimble piloting. "We gotta get behind them and then we'll have the advantage..." Han Solo mumbled, taking the controls once again and preparing to switch positions with the Enterprise. "Chewie, keep them busy, they won't see this one coming!"
The Falcon suddenly jerks to the side and rotates around the Enterprise, with Chewbacca still unloading heavy but ineffective fire on the Federation vessel.
The moment the Falcon halts behind the Enterprise, Han orders another "Fire!" and Chewie begins to wail on the Enterprise with heavier laser beams, these ones being able to barely pass the deflector shields and strike the Enterprise, sending even some of the heavier crew members to the ground! But the captain was undeterred, and he quickly thought of a strategy.
"Go into Warp Drive." Kirk wags his finger and orders Sulu to do so, just as the helmsman was rising to his feet. "Right away cap--that's absurd! Why are we running?"
"You'll see." Kirk smirks as the ship enters Warp Drive, seemingly teleporting the colossal vessel away from the Falcon's fire, leaving the smuggler and his fuzzy cohort bewildered.
Chewbacca roars from across the ship, and Han understands his alien language. "I know enough about this guy to know he's definitely pulling something, fuzzball..."
"UNCLOAK!" Kirk commands, prompting the ship to rematerialize next to the Falcon and subsequently open fire on the smaller ship, with Han's eyes widening as he flips a few switches to avoid the Phaser fire, but he wasn't quick enough, as the back of the freighter was hit. "DAMMIT!"
Han pulls another switch and speeds the Falcon up even more, allowing the ship to bob and weave through even the most precise Phaser blasts. The Quad Lasers atop the smuggler's ship point back towards the Enterprise, releasing an onslaught of laser blasts that all strike the hull of the Enterprise and deal little damage.
"It's not working...Chewie, we'll have to run." Han flips an assortment of switches, activating the Falcon's Lightspeed! "Yee-HAW!" Han hollers before the Falcon blasts off, seemingly dematerializing as it travels across the galaxy in mere seconds!
Kirk's jaw drops, clearly confused by the sight. "Spock...please tell me what just happened."
The Vulcan spares no time in explaining, looking up from his post and elaborating for his captain. "They seem to have accessed a form of travel incredibly similar to our Warp Drive, yet different in many ways...he's exploited an...alternate dimension of sorts, Jim."
"Intriguing...activate Warp Drive!" Kirk orders for the second time, prompting Sulu to heed his captain's command and press a few buttons, subsequently flinging the starship through the same route the Falcon had gone! The stars and planets all stretched out into thin lines as the Enterprise bolted forward, eventually catching up with the smuggler's starship and release multiple Photon torpedoes, catching Han off-guard. "You'll screw it all up, flyboy!--" The smuggler curses multiple time before a Photon torpedo strikes the generator for the Deflector Shields on the ship's underside, creating an explosion that sends the Falcon blasting out of the warp and into an unplanned location. Kirk's group of spacefarers follow, leaving the warp to apprehend the smuggler.
"WOooaooh!" Han and Chewbacca yells as they're flung away from their original destination and into an asteroid field. The Enterprise soon reappears and bolts towards the Falcon, leaving Han with no choice but to go through the field of meteors. "I hate this..."
The Falcon presses through the asteroids with ease, given it's convenient disk shape. The Enterprise, however, struggles a lot more to weave through the obstacles and still keep up, but no matter--the crew was still pressuring the Falcon with heavy Phaser fire, even if the smuggler's ship's deflector shields repelled a good majority of the shots.
Inside the Enterprise's ship, Kirk's crew struggles to maintain the ship's stability as it is pelted with Quad Laser fire and asteroids from left and right. "Scotty, bring me a Communicator!" Kirk orders a mustache-sporting, red-shirted Scotsman who replies with "Right away, cap'n!" He quickly grabs one of the devices and tosses it to Kirk, who tries to latch on to the Falcon's signal and send the smugglers a message.
Meanwhile Han masterfully navigates his own ship through the asteroid field, though he doesn't seem to be particularly enjoying it. "Nghh... we almost got away... Chewie, bring out the big guns!" Han yells to his cohort, who gargles back and continues to man the weaponry. The Wookiee activates the Concussion Missiles and sends a few flying through the asteroid field and towards the Enterprise. "That should be good, Chewie!"
As Kirk continues to fiddle with the Communicator, the communications officer Uhura yells over to Kirk. "I'm picking up a signal, but it's not a good one...we've got Concussion Missiles coming towards us!"
"Shit!" Kirk swears, tossing the Communicator back to Scotty and leaving him to figure it out. "Sulu, Spock--try to destroy those things before they hit us!"
As the helmsman works on that command, Spock looks up at Kirk with a side eye. "Have you not tried diplomacy yet, Jim?"
"Believe me, I have...the dastard wants nothing to do with our 'politics.'"
A Phaser beam is discharged from the center of the ship and it hits the horde of Concussion Missiles head-on, but it doesn't have adequate firepower to halt the explosives entirely. As if piloting a giant ship through an asteroid field wasn't hard enough...
In the Falcon, Han picks up a message in the cockpit. He quickly switches the Falcon to autopilot and puts the recording from the other ship onto the intercoms--which was not a good idea, because the message was Scotty gurgling his throat in an attempt at mimicking Chewbacca's language and negotiating with the smugglers. "Gurgalurga-grawlg..."
Chewbacca is taken aback by this and his jaw drops--Scotty had certainly said something in Wookiee language, just not exactly what he was going for. Despite their limited amount of Concussion Missiles and Han specifically ordering not to fire any more, the amount of offense Chewie felt drove him to discharge more missiles, sending them all darting towards the Enterprise.
"We need more firepower, Sulu!" Kirk commands from his chair, now sweating intensely as his crew attempts to fight back. Sulu punches a red button and sends their own round of missiles towards the Falcon, intercepting with the concussion missiles and sparking a large explosion, sending both ships barreling backwards through the asteroid field.
Han releases an outburst of curses as he tries to balance the ship out, eventually succeeding and yelling at Chewie to "Shut them up." Chewbacca rolls his eyes and mockingly roars, still trying to regain his balance after the explosion. "I'm not pissed! Do I sound like I'm pissed, furball?!"
The Enterprise's flight wasn't nearly as smooth as the Falcon's, which was really saying something. The crew still managed to maintain the ship's stability and bolt through the now much-clearer asteroid field towards the Falcon, which takes off to escape and begins to unload a volley of laser fire at the Enterprise.
"They're trying to wear our defenses down..." Kirk brainstorms even more, subsequently commanding his crew to up their defenses. "Bones, fortify the Deflectors!"
The skilled surgeon's quick hands were put to work as he activated the Deflector shields, coating the huge vessel in a light blue aura as the crew pursues the two smugglers. This shield repels the blaster fire and causes Han to think of a new strategy. "They're got a shield, Chewie--they're only protecting the most vital parts of the ship, though...maybe we can strike the vulnerable areas and wear them down enough to get away!"
Chewbacca prepares himself as Han mans the pitch, sending the Falcon on it's side and then upside down. "They're attempting a shuttle loop!" Uhura yells from her station, causing Kirk to quickly order Spock to fire at them before they can do anything else. The Vulcan activates more Phaser blasts, all of which are sent from the upper part of the Enterprise and towards the looping Falcon, with the smugglers' ship barely avoiding the blast and retorting with multiple shots along the length of the larger Enterprise, with the ship's Deflectors catching a majority of the blasts but letting one slip through, striking the upper hull of the Enterprise.
"We're hit, cap'n!" Scotty yells, throwing his Communicator to the side and running up to the captain's seat. "Grab some redshirts and try to reinforce the shields...if they can get through them, there's something up." Kirk commands, prompting Scotty to respond with a quick salute and sprint out of the bridge.
"Yeah!" Han yells, realizing that his attacks had outmatched the Enterprise's countermeasures. He pulls the ship's throttle and bolts further under the Enterprise and resurfacing before the larger vessel moments later, ordering Chewie to point the Quad Lasers upward and discharge on the front window of the Enterprise, breaking through the Deflectors and striking the bridge, throwing everyone in there, including the captain, off-balance.
Over the intercom, Kirk yells to his previously dispatched engineer, incredibly anxious about his ship's survival. "Scotty, fix the shields as quickly as possible, we can't take anymore shots!" Scotty sighs and raises his own Communicator, speaking into it, "I'm workin' on it, cap'n. I'd suggest cloaking until I can get this done."
"Good call." Kirk says into his Communicator back on the bridge. "You heard him, Sulu--cloak the ship!" On command, the helmsman presses a few buttons, causing the ship to disappear from the sight of Han Solo and his Wookiee partner.
"They're doing it again, Chewie! Fire back at the damn spot they were before, they're too big to disappear entirely!" Han instructs Chewie, who roars in agreement and presses a few buttons of his own before roaring back once more.
"Just fire more Concussion Missiles!" Han commands right back, prompting Chewbacca to activate the missiles, only for nothing to happen. The wookiee fervently clicks the button, but to no avail. He yells to his captain with disappointment, causing Han to facepalm and halt the ship. "You're telling me the missiles need to recharge?! How many did you fire earlier?!"
Chewie refuses to answer and instead growls with a bold statement, leading Han to yell "I know what the scotsman said about your mother, Chewie, but there's no reason to waste our damn missiles out of anger! Just shoot them with the damn Quad Lasers..."
This is one command Chewie follows and begins to gun at where the Enterprise was before it dematieralized, and the Wookiee's shots were spot on--only being stopped by a newly-repaired Deflector Shield. "Gotcha!" Kirk yells back, pointing his finger towards the Falcon and prompting his crew to fire at the smugglers' ship!
"Dammit Chewie, you've given away our location!" Han yells, completely forgetting that he specifically ordered Chewbacca to fire. Nevertheless, he tries to outpace the shots but one Phaser blast strikes his ship in the back, chipping a small piece of the ship but instantly flash-burning the scar together.
"He's got the advantage when he's out of sight. It's like trying to catch a fly, Jim!" Bones makes a quick analogy while also giving Kirk an idea. "Perhaps we can lure him under the Enterprise and hit him with a torpedo when he tries to make a counterattack!" Kirk's voice raises as the plan is pieced together.
Meanwhile Han continues to circle around the Enterprise, using his ship's smaller size to his advantage. The smuggler carefully pilots the Falcon to weave through Phaser blasts and dip under the ship, raising the Quad Blaster upward and preparing an onslaught on the starship's keel. What he didn't expect was to be met with a Photon Torpedo dipping downwards immediately after being fired and ramming into the top of the Falcon, blasting the smugglers' ship downward and away from the Enterprise, with the Falcon's shields absorbing enough of the blast to keep the cargo ship intact.
"SHIT! THEY'VE CAUGHT ON!" Han snaps, cranking the pitch and pulling upwards, commanding Chewie to counterattack. "Those damn Concussion Missiles better be ready, fuzzball! FIRE!"
Chewie punches a button and released a missile that bolts towards the Enterprise, but the huge vessel quickly hovers out of the way, leaving Han surprised. "You're outspeeding me...? That's my thing!" Han goes full throttle and begins to pursue the Enterprise, leaving the two ships in different positions than before.
"What now?" Uhura inquires at her station, seemingly just spectating--Communications had abysmal usage throughout the pursuit. "I...did not think this over." Kirk chuckles, turning his seat around and ordering his crew to go into Warp. "He's too competitive to not chase after us...if we manage to lead them to HQ, we'll end this without casualties."
Everyone else on the bridge agreed with the tactic apart from Bones, who shook his head. "Jim, when will you learn that peace won't solve every problem?"
Ignoring the surgeon, Kirk sat back in his chair as the Enterprise sped up before entering Warp, sending them tunneling through space once more. "Again?!" Han mumbles before following the Enterprise, as was expected.
Both ships were flung through the galaxy at faster-than-light speeds, with the Falcon still shooting at the Enterprise with great precision despite the speeds they were going at!
"He's still firing, cap'n!" Scotty yells as he rushes back into the bridge, very clearly out of breath.
"He just doesn't give up...it's almost admirable!" Spock exclaims from his station before going back to preparing countermeasures.
The Falcon quickly outpaces the Enterprise while they're warping before releasing multiple Quad Laser blasts that pepper the engines enough to temporarily send both ships out of warp--knocking them both away from the destination and into an uncharted galaxy where a giant, moon-shaped superweapon sits, charging a laser--this was the Death Star.
Chewie roars at Han, who hastily prepares to go back into Lightspeed and succeeding moments before the Death Star can fire it's giant laser at a nearby planet, nearly catching the Enterprise in it's beam--but the starship entered Warp before it could do so. The blast hits a planet underneath, completely annihilating it.
"What the hell was that?!" Kirk is utterly perplexed by the sight before going back to commanding. "They got our engines good...Bones, do we have enough control to Warp to HQ?"
"It's pretty damn close enough." Leonard McCoy replies. "Just punch it!"
The Enterprise speeds up even more while in Warp, barely catching up to the Falcon, which ducks downward to dodge the battering ram, confusing Kirk--only until he realized that both ships had already exited their fast-paced travel and were now in the middle of a much more inhabited galaxy.
The Enterprise dips downward to keep pace with the Falcon, with Kirk giving two separate orders to his bridge. "Sulu, load more Photon Torpedoes--Bones, hold them off with the Phasers."
Both commands are followed through and the Enterprise peppers the Falcon with Phaser fire, some of the shots making contact and some not, though most of the former were repelled by the Enterprise's Deflector Shields.
"Chewie, I'd reckon they're readying one of those torpedoes...on the count of three, I'm going to lower the ship, so don't get too alarmed." Han commands, grabbing the pitch and getting ready.
The Enterprise crew, however, was doing exactly what the smuggler had suspected.
"Three." Both captains count down simultaneously.
"Two." Bones shoves a small device into the idle Photon Torpedoes, readying them to be fired.
"One." Han's grip tightens on the pitch as he continues to dart towards a moon, and Chewbacca continues to fire at the giant Enterprise from his station.
"FIRE!"
"NOW!"
In the span of a millisecond, the Photon torpedoes are fired from the center of the Enterprise, all three of them bolting towards the Falcon. Han, being the masterful pilot he is, cranks the pitch last second and pilots the commandeers the ship downward, leaving the torpedoes to run into the small moon and blow it into pieces!
"SHIT! He's too fast! Spock, do you have any ideas on how to close the distance?" Kirk yells to the logical Vulcan, who presses his fingers against his head to formulate a new strategy. "Cloaking and stealing the stealth advantage has proven to work more times than not. Perhaps we could cloak in front of their ship and uncloak to catch them off-guard...and if we power the Deflectors up enough, they would be in too close range to not be picked up...and we can take them to be apprehended, Jim."
"That works!" Kirk smirks before swerving back in his chair, now ordering Sulu to "Do exactly what Spock said."
The Enterprise speeds up and braves through the Falcon's heavy fire, engaging in a short shootout before the Enterprise goes invisible once more, and almost as if on-cue, Chewie begins to rotate the turret in every direction, trying to shoot at the invisible Enterprise.
"Chewie, don't overheat the damn turrets! They're trying to trick us--any second now, they'll just appear and start blasti--" The smuggler is interrupted by a loud CRASH! as they are caught in the now visible Enterprise's deflectors. "Dammit!" Han rushes to the controls, trying to activate Lightspeed to break out. "Shit, shit, shit, shit..." He repeatedly curses, as the Deflectors had somehow messed with the Falcon's functions. Han lets go of the controls and sprints through the interior of the Falcon, his destination being Chewbacca's turret.
"Chewie, it's me they're chasing after. Take the ship and use Lightspeed to fly away, and I'll go into the damned thing..." Han mutters as the ship begins to be pulled towards the Enterprise. "...I'll kill that cocky captain there and I'll use their communication systems to get you to pick me up...just don't crash the Falcon. Got it, fuzzball?"
Chewbacca nods and brings Han in for a hug, catching the smuggler off-guard. The wookiee looks at his companion, groaning and mouthing the words "I love you." in his language. Han responds with, "I know." and commands Chewie to take the controls before darting to the airlock of the Falcon.
"Why the hell am I doing this?" Han asks himself before leaping from the airlock in one brave leap of faith. He slowly falls through the small space between the Falcon and the Enterprise, yelling out a fervent battle cry as he tumbles into a small, open compartment in the center stem of the starship. The moment he lands and regains his footwork, he raises his blaster at a bearded redshirt and asks something of him. "Take me to the bridge."
The redshirt, fearing for his life, nods and asks if he can be beamed to the bridge, posing it as a factory accident of sorts. Mere seconds later, Han Solo and the redshirt disappear in a beam of light.
...
"The Falcon's gotten away, cap'n!" Scotty yells to Kirk, who groans to himself. "Slippery bastard..." He tries to think of another strategy, but he's interrupted by the door to the bridge being annihilated by a familiar red glow, which is Kirk's cue to yell to his crew, "Get back!"
(Cue: Bullet to the Heart - Brandon Yates)
His crew listens and hides in every spot they can find, but still keep their eyes open to witness the events that were about to unfold. Han slowly walks into the bridge, quickly raising his blaster and pointing it at Kirk, prompting the captain to grab his Type 2 Phaser from his chair and point it at the smuggler. "This is it, hmm? The end of our little chase? I'm surprised you didn't tire out earlier." Kirk taunts, causing Han's finger to slide further down on the trigger.
"Kirk, if you continue to talk like that--you'll be picking up your teeth with broken fingers. Now shut up and...BANG!" Han sneakily yells to catch his opponent off-guard, pushing down on the trigger and firing at Kirk, who quickly dodges, sending the blaster fire to hit Sulu's set of controls and blow a hole in them, causing a malfunction in with the Warp Drive. As Kirk prepares to fire back, the Enterprise is flung through the galaxy at faster-than-light speeds, causing both fighters to slightly lose their balance. The warp halts in the same sector the fight had began in, leaving the Enterprise hovering above Tatooine.
"Back where we began, hmm? Poetic." Kirk responds to Han's attack with a shot of his own, with the smuggler firing at the blast to block it, with both shots disintegrating the moment they intersect. "You've been shot multiple times and you're still quick? Impressive." Kirk compliments the smuggler before taking a few paces back. His opponent does the same, with the two uttering no words and preparing their next attacks.
"But you're too arrogant, smuggler." Kirk continues both his compliment from before and his offense, reeling his fist back to deliver a punch. His closed hand connects with Han's face before he can fire, sending the smuggler staggering backwards.
"You clearly don't know what makes a good captain, do you?" Han retorts as he catches himself using one of the desks on the bridge. "It doesn't take politics and whatever the hell they teach you at space-Harvard...it takes guts, and tricks!" Han exclaims, grabbing a spare Phaser from a station. He puts that and his blaster next to each other before simultaneously firing them both, with Kirk focusing on dodging the fire from the Phaser, leading him into accidentally being struck in the right shoulder with a shot from the blaster. "Grnhgnn..."
Kirk stumbles backwards, still raising his Phaser despite the newfound weakness in his shoulder. "That may be true, but underhanded tactics aren't something we like in the bridge!" Kirk still has trouble trying to insult Han, but he discharges a few rounds from his Phaser, with two of the stun shots connecting with Han's chest, sending him barreling into one of the wheeled-chairs in the bridge.
"...pshh, you're just too proud to cheat, Kirk." Han stands back up and grabs the chair with both hands, groaning with effort as he holds it over his head and tosses it at the captain, who leaps backwards to dodge and lands atop the captain's chair. Kirk leaps forward, firing his Phaser three times while midair. Han raises another chair to protect himself from the shots. The blasts quickly wear down the chair and tear a hole into the center big enough to let Han see Kirk sprinting towards him. The captain delivers a deftly-timed kick to Han's crotch, causing him to release his makeshift shield and fall backwards.
“He that is proud eats up himself: pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle...I am not proud, smuggler--I am just doing my job..." Kirk switches his Phaser to the second mode, causing Han's eyes to widen as he remembers how powerful the gun had proved to be when the captain used it before on the sand people. In the face of fear, though, Han Solo had a plan. Reaching into his vest pocket, Han locates two final detonators, quietly turning Kirk down with a "Shut up."
The smuggler throws the detonators almost immediately after his smug reply, with Kirk dodging both of them--which didn't exactly turn out any better than it would have if he took the shot. The grenades roll towards the glass window showcasing all of the galaxy before them, slowly beeping.
BOOM!
The window was blown open in the center, quickly sucking every loose item into the depths of space! Pens, chairs--even the crew was slowly being pulled away. Kirk's Phaser slips out of his grasp and his lost to the abyss, before Kirk himself is pulled back.
"Sp...Spock, g...get every...one out of here!" Kirk orders as he grabs onto part of the broken window, stopping him from being fully taken. The vulcan heeds this command and takes the small crew away from their hiding spaces and quickly through the bridge's exit, all of them being able to barely make it before they could be sucked away.
Han is pulled towards the breach, too, and he grabs onto a ledge near the cracked window. "Go to hell!" Han yells as his blaster is pulled towards him, landing in his grasp and allowing him to point it at Kirk's head with his free hand. Before he could fire, Kirk grabbed the blaster and began to pull it away from the smuggler, engaging them both in a tussle for the firearm.
"You've grown to...be quite the...pest!" Kirk speaks between his groans as he struggles to pull the firearm away. Han succeeds, though, and pulls the blaster towards him before firing at Kirk's left hand, blowing a hole into it and causing him to lose some of his grip on the ledge. Before Han can get rid of his other hand, Kirk rams his head into Han's face, causing him to release the blaster but still maintain his tight grip on the ledge.
The blaster lands back in the bridge before being pulled back towards the combatant, this time landing in Kirk's arms. The captain points it at Han, who reaches out to grab the blaster. Kirk shoots first, though, and Han loses his grip on the ledge, sending him slightly flying further into space. His saving grace is Kirk's leg, and he grabs onto it before he can fully drift into the abyss.
"Your odds of surviving at this point are slim, smuggler...give up now or suffer the consequences early..." Kirk speaks in a monotone way, now clearly fed up with Han.
"Never tell me the odds!" The smuggler yells, pulling forward using Kirk's leg and grabbing the captain's shoulders, loosening his grip on the breach.
"Get...off...my...SHIP!" Kirk yells one final time, quickly jerking the blaster towards Han's head and pulling the trigger, blowing a hole into the smuggler's forehead and causing him to release the captain, sending him floating out into space. As the barely conscious Han slowly freezes, his last act is to raise a middle finger at Kirk before he succumbs to the conditions of space.
KO!
Kirk slowly pulls himself into the bridge before activating the emergency shutdown on the ship for no reason other than to reinforce the window with a steel wall. The captain falls backwards and reaches for his Communicator, speaking one last thing before fainting. "Get the hell over here, Bones..."
- Ending Screen A: Kirk is in the medbay, with Bones inspecting his wounds. The surgeon clicks his tongue as he briefs the next mission to the captain, who sighs and tiredly answers, "You deal with it."
- Ending Screen B: Han's frozen body falls from the atmosphere of Tatooine, landing in the center of a sand dune and blowing a crater into the desert. Two hooded Jawas approach the body and inspect it, before picking it up to sell later on.
Results[]
Kitty: This doesn't entirely answer which series is better--but it's the damn closest we can get anyways!
Puppy: This was a unique match, because not only were the combatants themselves being factored in, but their starships were as well.
Kitty: On foot, both of them seemed to be equals. Han could tank hits from the 1-ton-boulder-lifting Black Krrsantan, but Kirk could tank a similar blow from the Gorn, who could also pull of the same feat of strength. Both were impressively above-human, but physicality wasn't really all that factored into this result.
Puppy: Kirk was faster on foot, but not by a lot. Both had shown consistent feats of avoiding lightspeed laser shots, but Kirk was all the more consistent in that. Han was a much better shot, though, and he still had a gun good enough to keep up with Kirk.
Kitty: But he was outgunned in that, too...Kirk not only had one more gun than Han, but his firearms were also capable of plain one-shotting his opponent, as they've proven to be able to entirely disintegrate their targets, while blaster shots are certainly a lot more survivable, even if your chances of livin' through one of those being pretty damn low.
Puppy: Even if Kirk was a much more skilled strategist, Han's willingness to pull more underhanded tricks could certainly catch the captain off-guard, and he's proven to be a lot better in actual, on-foot brawls. Though, the debate gets even odder once we get into their ships.
Kitty: The Falcon and The Enterprise were both incredibly powerful, but the Enterprise's feat of completely destroying half of a planet's atmosphere blows the Falcon out of the water! Han's ship wasn't entirely outdone, though, as it was a lot faster.
Puppy: Han was certainly a versatile opponent, but Kirk's mind, weaponry and physicality were able to end Han's smuggling days for good.
Kitty: Now I don't wanna Star-t anything, but Han was absolutely Solo'd.
Puppy: ...seriously? The winner is Captain James T. Kirk.
Next Time on Death Battle![]
Allied Mastercomputer: “HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE.”
Anthony Fremont: “You're a bad man! You're a very bad man!”
Trivia[]
- The connections between Kirk and Han are that they are two smug starship captains from renowned sci-fi series that defined an era. Both of them lived the earlier parts of their lives as reckless delinquents, but they befriended an alien who would assist them in their roles (Spock and Chewbacca).They both eventually fell into their roles and led with grace, before their death in a sequel movie.
- The soundtrack name would be "A Long Time Ago in the Final Frontier" referencing the opening lines of both series
- The soundtrack art would be a grey Starfleet logo with the features of the Millennium Falcon, with a blaster and a phaser both firing behind it.