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Wiz: While some bosses have survived the ages, there are several who have only appeared once in their series.
Boomstick: But with this much awesomeness, they don't need a second appearance!
Wiz: Like the HR-H, the guardian of Shiver Star, from the critically acclaimed Kirby 64.
Boomstick: And Koloktos, the guardian of the Spring Temple, from the not-so-critically-acclaimed The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword! He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick-
Willow: (Busts through the wall riding a Rapidash) And I'm Willow.
Wiz: How the-
Willow: I borrowed my big brother's Rapidash. (Points a rifle at Wiz) Do your line.
Wiz: -Uh, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to see who would win...
All three: A death battle.
HR-H[]
Willow: I like space robots just as much as the next guy, especially the ones with guns, but this guy's just a little too weird for my tastes.
Wiz: When Kirby set out on his quest to save the galaxy, he encountered a number of obstacles. One of the last- and notably, the hardest- was the building-sized spaceship, the HR-H.
Boomstick: This guy is a BEAST. Created to be an intergalactic Paul Blart-
Willow: Wait, what?
Boomstick: Yeah! Didn't you see it when you played the game for your research? Shiver Star is a gigantic shopping complex!
(Cut to Shiver Star level 2)
Willow: You have GOT to be kidding me. Malls. I hate malls. They're just like hell, but without any reason to go. How can this POSSIBLY get any worse?
Wiz: Well, Shiver Star... is what became of Earth after an apocalypse.
Willow: ...God help us all.
Boomstick: ... Anyways, HR-H was created to be a mall cop for this ice-cold hell, and he does his job BEAUTIFULLY. He shows up while Kirby's standing on a bridge near the skyline, and IMMEDIATELY lets loose!
Wiz: HR-H's main weapons are his arms and his laser. He can utilize a sweeping motion with his arms and cause some damage, or he can FLATTEN Kirby by slamming those arms into the ground.
Boomstick: He creates a shockwave when he does this, meaning that the minimum force used was about 30 megatons! That, if you didn't realize, is absolutely RIDICULOUS. He's got some amazing firepower, too! I mean, missiles! Do you realize how much more respect I have for this thing after learning it has missiles?!
Willow: HR-H can also use a laser coming out of that gay lighthouse tetrahedron at the top of his head to incinerate his foes.
Wiz: ...Gay lighthouse tetrahedron?
Willow: Seriously? Does ANYONE else see that thing?
Boomstick: Uh... Okay! Well, HR-H's main body is basically impenetrable, so at this stage of the game, his arms are his only weak point. Which is ironic, because they're the part that causes damage. But eh. Kirby logic. And speaking of Kirby logic! ...Take it away, Wiz!
Wiz: The robot is clearly shown to be able to fly at the beginning of the battle, meaning that he could easily just fly up and crush Kirby on the spot, but that wouldn't be that interesting of a boss fight. Unless you could go INSIDE this thing. Come to think of it, I'd actually like to- Willow: Yeah, yeah, you're a nerd, we get it. Anyways, once HR-H's buff biceps take enough punishment, he gets shy about showing off his guns, and decides to show off... some actual guns!
Boomstick: Uh, Willow? That's not really how he...
Willow: (Spins her rifle around) What was that? Anyways, HR-H turns into the snowmobile-like HR-E. But unlike a snowmobile, this big bot has a pair of Scissorhands, which he can use to snip his foes to smithereens! He also lets out a couple of missiles from time to time, but those are largely unchanged from his original form, except that he shoots them directly at his opponents.
Wiz: Really, though, his feats are... lackluster. His only opponent has been Kirby, and he's only fought the dude once. Since he was created without the influence of Dark Matter, it would make sense to say he's been around for a while, but he's got no real experience that we can decipher.
Boomstick: But that doesn't change the fact that he can fight and kill Kirby, who at that point was already a casual planet buster! Don't mess with this Blart-bot!
(HR-H begins his onslaught against Kirby. Death Battle card closes.)
Koloktos[]
Willow: There is a temple. A temple to the goddess Nayru. A temple whose architecture is dedicated to spring, the peaceful season.
Boomstick: A temple guarded by the most awesome sentry in existence!
Willow: Boomstick... I was doing a monologue...
Boomstick: I don't care! Let's talk about a giant robot!
Wiz: Koloktos, the Ancient Automation, is, as my cohorts kindly noted, the guardian of the Spring Temple. He is a robot with six arms, and a pair of legs stuck under the ground.
Willow: Koloktos's... odd design was actually based on Buddhist sculptures. Fascinating religion, Buddhism. Not one I'd personally recommend, but still.
Boomstick: This robot starts out his fight rooted in the ground. He has a pair of kunai in two of his arms, and he throws 'em like boomerangs to cut Link to pieces!
Wiz: He also uses two of his other arms for defense, cross-guarding his weak point in his stomach. But his strongest attack in this form is taking all six of his arms and slamming them into the ground to CRUSH his foes. The arms dig so far into the ground that he can't pull them out for a while! Can you even imagine how hard he must be hitting?!
Willow: Alright, Wiz, that's enough. Now, there's one problem with Koloktos in this form, and that's range. Being mostly underground, Koloktos can't really... well, move. His only weapon with good range is his kunai, and he can only throw two of those at once, and only in one direction each. His arms reach pretty far, but they're also pretty dodgable.
Boomstick: Well, once you hit that red orb in his stomach enough, Koloktos pulls himself out of the ground and- MMPH!
Wiz: What?
Boomstick: LOOK at that! How many leg days has this guy skipped?!
Willow: Anyways, Koloktos indeed begins to use his legs, and also has six gigantic cutlasses that he pulls from out of nowhere. He's a big boy, and as a result, his weapons are longer and wider than a human can hold effectively in both hands.
Boomstick: Hehehe...
Wiz: Boomstick, I swear...
Boomstick: So, with these... gigantic weapons, Koloktos could slice and dice his way to victory, but no! What does he do?! He does the exact same thing as before! Slams his arms into the ground and leaves 'em there for someone to just rip the sword out of his hand! Hint for those who are stuck on this boss.
Wiz: That's not his only flaw. Koloktos often doesn't even use his swords. He usually either barrels his entire body into his foes or summons Cursed Bokoblins to do his dirty work for him.
Willow: Not like they actually do anything. Cursed Bokoblins are the weakest of the bunch, and their durability is kinda useless when their only weapon- their jaws- force them to get right up in their foe's face. But one thing I can say for these uglies is, their bite can inflict a Jinx effect, keeping foes from using healing items for a while.
Wiz: Still, Koloktos himself is kind of an idiot. He was built as a sentry, but he loses a fight to Skyward Sword Link, one of the weakest of the Link incarnations, and this is his only given experience. Plus, while he's given demonic energy at the start of the fight, the stuff we listed above is all stuff he did with said demonic energy.
Boomstick: That being said, when he pulls himself up out of the ground, expect death. Just... don't look at those stick legs.
(Koloktos battle begins. Death Battle card closes.)
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a death battle!
Willow: Never heard that in person before. Huh.
Death Battle![]
Zero Two and Ghirahim were playing poker in Mammoth Mogul's casino when they got on the subject of minions. "Yeah, my lackeys are absolutely terrible," 02 complained. "They get taken out in one hit. At least I've got tough bosses on my side. Like the HR-H. Man, that thing is amazing."
"I hear you. Basically, everything I touch gets cut in half by Link." Ghirahim sighed. "It's sad, but I can at least reanimate some things. Like Koloktos. My giant robot. Ah, I was morose when he bit the dust that first time." He snapped his fingers. "Hold on- what did you say your great boss was?"
"Uh, the HR-H? He's a robot too."
"Ah!" Ghirahim rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "And you'd say he's one of your most powerful subservients?"
02's eye narrowed. "You're not suggesting..."
"Well, you are losing horribly to me," Ghirahim noted. "I guess brains and a poker face don't come with building planets, eh? So here's what I'll do. Our robots will fight. If yours wins, I will waive your debts to me. If mine wins, you still have to pay up. Deal?" He stuck out a hand to 02.
The Dark Matter being stared at Ghirahim's hand for a long, uncomfortable second. Finally, he spoke. "I don't have hands."
"I'll take that as a yes!" Ghirahim crowed.
Later, in an open field, the two demon lords and their robots met.
"You got here early, I see." 02 narrowed his eye again, staring at Koloktos. "This is the Buddha, I assume?"
"Very funny." Ghirahim looked up at the HR-H. "Bet you use this one to bring ships into the harbor. Or is it a Buzz Lightyear packaging with wires inside it?"
02 laughed. "Let's get this over with," he answered. "HR-H, assume bridge command mode."
HR-H floated forward and landed on the ground in front of Koloktos
Ghirahim raised one side of his cape. "Ready... set... go!"
Fight![]
(Cue: https://youtu.be/w1F_P8qLewA)
Koloktos started the fight off by hurling a kunai. HR-H skirted to the side as the blade shot past him, then swung his arm to the side. It glanced off of Koloktos's armor and bounced back. Next, Koloktos shot an arm forward and tried to punch through HR-H's armor, but failed. HR-H took advantage of this to shoot a laser into Koloktos's armor. Koloktos pulled its arm back, lifted all six into the air, and brought them down, one landing on one of HR-H's blade arms. HR-H was damaged-
but he noticed the red dot in Koloktos's center and swung his arm toward it, dealing impressive damage.
Koloktos brought his arms back up and threw his kunai again, but HR-H dodged both of them, then launched a volley of missiles. They blew the kunai to smithereens, and Koloktos was forced to use his arms to attack again, this time landing squarely on HR-H's other arm.
HR-H: Health 78
HR-H responded by firing a missile into the weak spot, then slapping Koloktos across the face.
Koloktos: Health 75
Koloktos spun his arms around and slapped HR-H away. The flying robot shot another laser at Koloktos, but it bounced off the armor and hit HR-H in the eye. HR-H was undeterred and flew forward again, baiting Koloktos into another arm slam. This one also did some damage-
-but HR-H shot a laser into Koloktos's heart.
HR-H laughed robotically and fired more missiles, most of them missing. Koloktos took advantage of this and summoned some Cursed Bokoblins, which promptly jumped up and latched on to HR-H's arms, Jinxing him.
HR-H tried to fire another volley but failed. He then realized what had happened and slapped Koloktos again, while at the same time shaking the Bokoblins off his other arm, then used a laser on Koloktos's weak point.
Koloktos slammed its arms into the ground and picked itself up, then stood tall, drawing its cutlasses. It brought its swords down on HR-H's arm.
(Cue: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6vzat7Zn0k)
HR-H folded down into its snowmobile form, bringing out its scissor hands and shooting forward. He drove into Koloktos, snipping off two of its arms, then shot a missile into Koloktos's weak point- only to find it caged up. Enraged, Koloktos charged forward and ended up tripping over HR-E, which, ironically, dealt damage.
HR-E spun and drove around Koloktos, examining the fallen behemoth. Tentatively he reached out one pair of scissors and snipped the cage around Koloktos's weak point in half. Realizing what had just happened, Koloktos tried to get up, but HR-E gleefully drove its scissors into Koloktos's weak spot, again, and again, and again, until the Ancient Automation could handle no more. Its energy imploded, then disappeared, and its pieces toppled to the ground.
HR-H rose into the air and returned to its master's side. 02 whooped happily. "You nailed it out there!" he exclaimed, then turned to Ghirahim. "Hey," he said. "Your bot wasn't too bad. You guys really have potential."
Ghirahim turned to 02. "You think that, huh? Yeah, I guess we do." He grinned. "Thanks for a great battle. As promised, your gambling debts are void." With that, Ghirahim snapped his fingers and disappeared, taking the dismembered Koloktos with him.
"Man, I like that guy..." 02 disappeared as well, returning to Dark Star and leaving HR-H to return to Shiver Star.
KO![]
Boomstick: Yeah! That was AWESOME! We gotta do fights like this more often!
Wiz: As close as the fight seemed at first, Koloktos was heavily outclassed in almost every area. HR-H was more mobile, faster, had a wider arsenal in base form, and was much better at ranged combat in both forms. Koloktos may have had a strength advantage, but that's an extreme maybe, and even if it's true, it wasn't enough to have an effect on the fight. Willow: While Koloktos was most likely older than HR-H due to the Zelda timeline being much longer than that of Kirby, it's not really specified whether either robot has fought anyone before Link or Kirby, respectively, so an experience argument would be pointless.
Boomstick: There's also a big difference between the opponents of the two bots. HR-H can harm and even kill Kirby, who is a casual planet buster. Koloktos, on the other hand, has only been able to fight and beat Link, who at best can destroy a moon. It's a fairly one-sided fight when you take everything into account.
Willow: HR-H certainly gave Koloktos... the Shivers.
Boomstick: Hey, that was pretty good for your first try!
Willow: Why, thank you.
Wiz: The winner is the HR-H.