Two duos of underrated light-hearted video game heroes of Feudal Japan fight against one another in this mystical battle.
INTRO[]
(music: Pokemon HeartGold & SoulSilver: Kimono Girl Theme)
Wiz: Feudal Japan, an ancient land filled with samurais, ninjas, and ghost stories.
Boomstick: Yet, not every Japanese warrior is dark and serious.
Wiz: That's right. Japan has created some light-hearted characters set during the Feudal era. We've looked through some more obscure heroes to find these two rather forgotten video game duos: Goemon & Ebisumaru the Mystical Ninjas...
Boomstick: And Pocky & Rocky, the Miko Girl and her raccoon friend.
(clips of Yae, Sasuke, Bomber Bob, Little Ninja, Goemon Impact and Gordon the Dragon.)
Wiz: Just note that no help from certain allies is permitted in this, especially not from giant allies. That would be considered cheating.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
GOEMON & EBISUMARU[]
(music: Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon: Bamboo Forest)
Wiz: In a Japanese town of Edo, or Oedo, lives the mystical ninja known as Goemon.
Boomstick: And he's often teamed up with his pudgy pal, Ebisumaru.
Wiz: And no, we're not calling these two Kid Ying and Dr. Yang like they were named in the western releases of their first SNES game because they're Goemon and Ebisumaru everywhere else.
Boomstick: "Kid Ying" and "Dr. Yang" don't sound Japanese-like if you ask me.
GOEMON'S BACKGROUND
Hometown: Edo/Oedo
Occupation: Ninja & Thief
Hot-blooded and short-tempered
Also known for his trademark spiky blue hair
Loosely based on Ishikawa Goemon
Wiz: Now, Goemon is a hot-blooded ninja loosely based on an old Japanese outlaw named Ishikawa Goemon...
(clips of Ishikawa Goemon.)
Wiz: ...who stole gold from the rich which he would then give to the poor, thus making him the Japanese counterpart to Robin Hood.
(picture of Robin Hood from the 1973 film.)
Boomstick: Then does that make Ebisumaru the "Little John" of Japan?
Wiz: In one way, I guess you could say that.
EBISUMARU'S BACKGROUND
Hometown: Osaka
Other aliases: "Ninja Of Justice" (self claimed) "Nezumi-Kozo" (former alias)
Has a rather eccentric personality
Speaks in an unusual Kansai accent
Likes to eat a lot
Wiz: Before he met Goemon, Ebisumaru, the self-claimed "Ninja of Justice" once went by the alias "Nezumi-Kozo" meaning "Rat Kid".
(clips of Nakamura Jirokichi.)
Wiz: That nickname was also used for Nakamura Jirokichi, another Japanese thief. Like Ishikawa Goemon, Jirokichi stole from the rich to give to the poor.
Boomstick: But oo-de-lally, when I say those historic figures weren't very merry men.
Wiz: Personality wise, Goemon, being the hot-blooded one, tends to lose his temper easily and always itching for a fight against rivals and adversaries. Ebisumaru has a great passion for food, but in addition to that, his personality is very eccentric.
Boomstick: Holy shit is he a bizarre character. I've seen him turn into a ballerina... with female clothes!
Wiz: Both Goemon and Ebisumaru's main job is to defend Japan from the hands of evil.
Boomstick: We've seen them kick the asses out of many sorts of monsters, ninjas, samurais, and... robots. I have no friggin' idea why robots like these are here in Feudal Japan. How could anyone invent such futuristic machines. Then again, how does Ebisumaru know about Hollywood actor James Dean?
Wiz: Now let's talk about their weapons and skills.
(music: Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon: Kai Highway)
GOEMON'S WEAPONS & SKILLS OF CHOICE
Kiseru
Chain-Kiseru
Ryo
Fire Ryo
Sudden Impact
Boxing Gloves
Wiz: Goemon's main melee weapon is the kiseru, a Japanese smoking pipe used for smoking kizami, wich tocabbo that looks like hair. Goemon's kiseru can be improved with a longer range, more power, and can turn from copper to silver to gold. Although at average, silver exists at a 17:1 ratio versus gold inside the Earth thus making silver more abundant, it is debatable whether gold is actually stronger than silver.
Boomstick: Other melee weapons he's owned include a chain-pipe that can latch into star-shaped blocks, kinda like how the Hookshot from Zelda would latch into certain targets.
Wiz: He can also toss Ryo, a former form of Japanese currency before the current-time yen took over.
Boomstick: Too bad it costs money to throw one of these. I'm glad Link doesn't have to use rupees to shoot arrows anymore.
(clip of Link shooting arrows at moblins with rupees.)
Wiz: Goemon's Ryo can charge up to be thrown in flames enabling him to burn enemies and light up torches. That costs more money than regular ryos.
Boomstick: If that wasn't enough, with ten of those Ryo, Goemon can turn into a fucking Super Saiyan!
Goemon: IKE! (his hair turns yellow.)
Wiz: This is Sudden Impact which temporarily makes him twice as strong as his regular form. With it, he can push heavy metal blocks which are estimated to be around 2 tons based on the metrics of the blocks. Sudden Impact also doubles his strength when in this form.
Boomstick: But why would you need Sudden Impact when these boxing gloves could help him push heavy objects just the same?
Wiz: Except these don't double his Goemon like Sudden Impact does. OK, next up are Ebisumaru's weapons.
EBISUMARU'S WEAPONS & SKILLS OF CHOICE
Melee Weapons: Fan, Mallet, Paddle, etc.
Shurikens
Poison Gas
Windup Camera
Solid Megaphone
Chibi Ebi
Wiz: Ebisumaru is known to always use a different melee weapon in different adventures. It could be a fan, a mallet, a paddle, etc. They all can be updated just like Goemon's weapons. Instead of Ryo, Ebisumaru tosses Shuriken which are typical throwing weapons for ninjas.
Boomstick: When charged up, he'll unleash some poison gas from his ass. Hey, that rhymes!
Wiz: This camera Ebisumaru is using is no ordinary camera. It's used to make ghosts vulnerable to his attacks.
Boomstick: Wish my smartphone would be updated to let me see ghosts in real life.
Wiz: Ebisumaru's Solid Megaphone is used to shoot out big stones carved as Japanese letters that spell out "Honii". He can shrink himself to fit into tiny holes leading to different areas. His Chibi Ebi form is about four times smaller than his regular form.
Boomstick: Wait, there's more! Look what both of these guys have.
(music: Legend Of The Mystical Ninja: Oedo Town)
BOTH'S WEAPONS & SKILLS OF CHOICE
Yo-yo
Bombs
4 Judo Skills
Wiz: Both Goemon and Ebisumaru have utilize a yo-yo which is basically a stronger version of the chain-kiseru but with no Hookshot abilities, bombs that aren't any stronger than ryos, and 4 Judo skills.
Boomstick: 4 Judo skills? 4 ways to throw down enemies?!
Wiz: Despite sharing the same name of the martial art where fighters attempt to take their opponents down to the ground, this Judo contains magic powers. There are 4 levels for Judo. One contains an animal buddy.
Boomstick: Basically Yoshi.
Wiz: (annoyed) Right. (normal) Level 2 damages everyone in sight, 3 gains these two the power of flight, and 4 unleashed a powerful repetitive attack. With these powers and skills, they've done some feats both alone and together.
(music: Goemon's Great Adventure: Burning My Soul)
GOEMON & EBISUMARU'S FEAT EXAMPLES
Goemon:
Tossed over 100 solid blocks in Sudden Impact Training
Could stampede through an army of small robots
Could crush a giant robot with just one hit from his kiseru
Could enemies high into the sky with his kiseru
Ebisumaru:
Won races against a speedier rival
Destroyed a time machine with just his body
Destroyed an evil ghost with a fart
Could consume an entire pile of dumplings many times his size
Both:
Destroyed brain washing machines on characters while on them
Survived Hell
Wiz: Goemon is strong and agile. In addition to having Ebisumaru piggyback on him, yes, they can piggyback, Goemon threw about 150 solid gold blocks during 99 seconds of Sudden Impact training. He could wipe out an entire army of small robots and then jump up to bring the finishing blow to a larger boss robot.
Goemon: (crushes the big enemy) TORYA!
Boomstick: Not to mention his trusty pipe could send enemies flyin' high into the sky.
Wiz: Despite his heavy weight, Ebisumaru has the ability to do things a healthy man would do like swing on bars, get across tightropes, and win races against a rocket-boosting man.
Boomstick: Slow and steady does win the race.
Wiz: He once destroyed a time machine with just his body, slamming it with his Hip Jump. Sorry, forgot about this one. Hip Jump lets him slam into enemies and bounce off the ground. Also, he was the one who destroyed an evil ghost by using the poison gas.
Boomstick: Ebisumaru's a big eater, and surprisingly, he could eat a whole pile of dumplings many times his size in just one go. He must have gotten an endless stomach indeed.
Wiz: Both of them saved the minds of giant character from the hypnotizing powers of robots, and they even survived the darkness... of hell. Yet, sometimes their personalities can get the best of them.
GOEMON & EBISUMARU'S WEAKNESSES
Goemon:
His fiery temper can be out of hand
Ebisumaru:
He prefers to be eating over fighting
Both:
Both can be perverted beings
Wiz: Goemon's temper can get him out of control, and Ebisumaru likes to be more of an eater than a fighter. It is known that both of them have been in a perverted mood, preferring not to hurt an innocent and pretty girl.
Boomstick: They get really distracted from chicks that strip in front of them.
Wiz: Still, with the skills of both a ninja and a thief, Goemon & Ebisumaru are always there to steal justice from their adversaries.
(clip of Goemon's Great Adventure)
Goemon: (Let's go, Ebisumaru!)
Ebisumaru: (Ah, wait up, Goemon!)
POCKY & ROCKY[]
(music: Pocky & Rocky: Once Upon A Time)
Wiz: Once upon a time, a bunch of monsters called the Nopino Goblins wrecked havoc in the country... until a young girl living in a shrine put a stop to all of this bringing to peace back to Japan. That girl's name is Pocky.
Boomstick: And she becomes friends with the goblins, but most of all is Rocky.
(music: Pocky & Rocky: Haunted Shrine)
POCKY'S BACKGROUND
Occupation: Miko/Shrine Maiden
Japanese Name: Sayo-Chan
Saves her home from evil spirits
Good friends with the Nopino goblins
Can communicate to gods
Wiz: Pocky, or Sayo-Chan, is a young miko girl.
Boomstick: What is Miko?
Wiz: Miko is what people call a shrine maiden that lives in a Shinto shrine.
(clips from Sailor Moon, Asagiri no Miko and InuYasha)
Wiz: Historically, miko were shamans who exorcised evil spirits, told fortunes, and performed rituals such as Kagura dancing. Pocky, being a miko, has a mythical ability to talk to magical spirits, such as the Seven Lucky Gods who pray for her to defend her home from demons.
ROCKY'S BACKGROUND
Species: Nopino Goblin (Resembles a tanuki)
Japanese Name: Manuke
Was once Pocky's enemy before becoming her main ally
Hangs out with other Nopino goblins when they're not possessed
Generously mischievous
Boomstick: OK, what about Rocky the Raccoon?
Wiz: Actually, he's supposed to resemble a tanuki.
(clips of Tanuki both in real life and Japanese art.)
Wiz: Tanuki are different from raccoons and are more related to dogs being in the Canidae family. In Japanese culture, tanuki are said to bring good luck. Rocky, or Manuke, can be mischievous like mythical tanuki, but is not malicious in nature. Now, he's there to help out Pocky on her mission to stop the forces of evil.
Boomstick: And how could they do it without weapons?
(music: Pocky & Rocky 2: Dragon In The Sky)
POCKY'S WEAPONS & SKILLS OF CHOICE
Ofuda
Gohei
Spinning Attack
Partner Throwing
Wiz: To attack enemies from afar, Pocky tosses out Ofuda, a type of amulet that are hanged in Shinto houses for protection. Don't let the matter of these cards fool you. It can effectively hit enemies that are hard for even katanas to cut through.
Wiz: For close combat, she uses her Gohei, a wand that Miko use to bless or sanctify anyone or anything in various Shinto shrines. The Gohei can be used to reflect both enemies and many, though not all, projectiles. Her special abilities include throwing her partners towards an enemy causing great damage as well as a spinning attack that reflects projectiles in all directions thus giving her a 360 degree shield.
Boomstick: Man, she never gets sick from all that spinning.
ROCKY'S WEAPONS & SKILLS OF CHOICE
Leaf
Tail
Invincible Statue
Treasure Hunting
Wiz: Rocky throws out leaves for projectiles and his tail for close combat. Tanuki in mythology are known to use leaves to transform. Rocky can transform into a statue that resembles Buddist monk Kshitgargha for a short period of time. It's immobile but is immune to any attack.
Boomstick: I bet that reminds you of something.
(Picture of Tanuki Mario in statue form)
Wiz: He also can detect treasure hidden in certain objects. When he finds something, he beats his chest and Pocky will come to the treasure.
(music: Pocky & Rocky 2: October Fields)
BOTH'S WEAPONS & SKILLS OF CHOICE
Power-Up
Bomb
Dashing
Mad Dog
Wiz: Both Pocky & Rocky can use their weapons with excellent speed. They can toss 6 projectiles in less than a second.
Boomstick: And that doesn't even count the power-ups.
Wiz: These blue orbs lets the projectiles spread out even further bringing more range of fire, and the red ones turns the leaves and Ofuda into fire. They split in two different directions when they hit any object. Both of these two also have bombs. Pocky's bombs are stronger while Rocky's have a great range. They can dash quite well while sliding. Pocky's dash is faster, while Rocky's goes farther. Plus, if they collide while dashing, they'll spin around the area tackling enemies that they run over.
Boomstick: And yet, another creature you can ride on: a shaggy lion-like thing.
Wiz: He's called Mad Dog, and his way of moving is hopping from area to area, and he's fast too.
Boomstick: Wow.
(music: Pocky & Rocky: Battle With Black Mantle)
POCKY & ROCKY'S FEATS
Defeated all sorts of demons, a vampire, and a genie.
Discovered items very well hidden in the environment
Wiz: Pocky & Rocky together defeated the likes of monsters, ghosts, and great demons during their quests including Tengu, Tsukumogami, and Orochi, all from Japanese legends.
Boomstick: And who would've thought a little girl like Pocky could bring down a vampire... and a genie for shit's sake!
Wiz: They both are well aware of the environment. With luck, they're able to find certain objects that are presumably just part of the background. Pocky & Rocky are fast attackers and have great sense defense. However...
POCKY & ROCKY'S WEAKNESSES
POCKY: Her clothes can be tattered when hit
ROCKY: His mischievous deeds can be a problem to both of them
BOTH: Are not well with jumping
Wiz: Pocky can lose part of her miko dress if she gets hit. Rocky's personality can get them both in trouble. Not often but still.
Boomstick: And we've never known them to be air fighters. We've always seen them fight on the ground, though, they did kick ass fighting on flying ships and rode a dragon.
Wiz: Just to show that even as non-air fighters, they are not afraid of heights. From foes to friends, Pocky & Rocky shall exorcise all evil spirits of the world as long as they live.
(Pocky & Rocky perform their starting animation in the beginning of The Haunted Shrine.)
START OF BATTLE[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLLLLE!!
DEATH BATTLE[]
(music: Pocky & Rocky 2: Intermission)
The battle is set in Oedo Town.
Pocky & Rocky are seen just walking by the houses looking around until...
they bump into Goemon & Ebisumaru. The music stops abruptly.
Both duos are confused with question marks above their heads. Then Goemon & Ebisumaru start to admire Pocky the cute miko girl. Rocky then gets mad and slaps both Goemon & Ebisumaru in the face with his tail. Pocky unveils her Gohei in a fighting stance Now, the thieves realize it's time to battle.
Goemon: Iku ze!
(music: Goemon's Great Adventure: Aloof Soldier)
FIGHT!
Goemon & Pocky battle with their Kiseru & Gohei in a swordfight-like fashion. Ebisumaru throws Shuriken at Rocky who reflects every one of them with his tail. Pocky then tosses her Ofuda at Goemon who gets hit.
Goemon starts to throw Ryo at Pocky who dodges them while tossing Ofuda at him dodging those too. Rocky throws leaves at Ebisumaru who jumps up over the leaves. Ebisumaru gets close to Rocky and slams him with a paddle sending him to a wall.
Pocky & Goemon are a little tired from throwing their projectiles but both are in charging mode. Rocky is hitting Ebisumaru with his leaves but Ebisumaru uses his Solid Megaphone.
Ebisumaru: Honii!
The "Honii" stones come out of the megaphone to block the leaves though the leaves broke through one of the stones after 6 tosses. Goemon unleashes a Fire Ryo at Pocky who then uses her spin attack to reflect the Ryo. Ebisumaru gets hit by the leaves when Rocky gets past the stone letters. Ebisumaru then jumps up. Goemon uses his yo-yo at Pocky who slides away from fire while Rocky slides away from Ebisumaru's Hip Jump. Pocky & Rocky happen to crash into each other.
(music: Pocky & Rocky: Boss Fight 1)
As Pocky & Rocky spin uncontrollably around the town, Goemon & Ebisumaru jump out of their the way. While Pocky & Rocky get up, Goemon uses his Chain-Kiseru to latch himself up to the top of a house with a star block on it. Ebisumaru uses Level 4 Judo to become a ballerina with hula hoops. Rocky doesn't get it and slides under him to trip him over.
Goemon unleashes his Level 2 Judo to strike lightning at Pocky. She amazingly survives and tosses Ofuda at Goemon on the roof. Goemon now uses Level 3 Judo to fly above Pocky dropping a bomb at her. Pocky while dodging the bomb hits him with a card and he falls down. Goemon punches Pocky with his power gloves causing her to fly into the bomb and explode causing her clothes to be in short form. She shakes her head and gets up. Goemon looks surprised. The music stops abruptly. Goemon daydreams of Pocky in just her underwear. Goemon pumps his arms wildly. Pocky looks confused. A whistle is heard.
(music: Legend Of The Mystical Ninja: Strip-Tease Theme)
A girl in a bikini appears in front of Goemon moving her index finger at him to "come over here". Goemon, love-struck, walks over to the girl. Ebisumaru comes up to her as well. He takes a picture with his Windup Camera. After two seconds of silence, the girl throws out leaves at them both. "She" reveals "herself" to be Rocky in disguise. Goemon and Ebisumaru start to use their Level 1 Judo to ride on their tiger and bull respectively.
(music: Pocky & Rocky: Boss Fight 3)
Pocky whistles for Mad Dog who comes there and she and Rocky ride him. Mad Dog dodges the tiger & bull's ramming in time by hopping over them. Turning around, Pocky & Rocky throws their Ofuda and leaves at Goemon & Ebisumaru knocking them off their animal buddies.
Ebisumaru gets on Goemon's back and, while Goemon runs, Ebisumaru shoots Shuriken at Pocky & Rocky. Rocky gets up on Pocky's shoulders and she tosses him towards Goemon & Ebisumaru. A giant tanuki statue knocks them out like bowling pins. Goemon & Ebisumaru roll towards Pocky. Ebisumaru uses his Poison Gas attack. The music drowns. Pocky and Goemon faint in disgust.
Both are seen breathing while Ebisumaru walks to a shop to buy some dumplings. Rocky comes back and sniffs for items, then he beats his chests. Rocky destroys two lanterns with his leaves to unveil one blue orb and one red orb. Pocky gets up and sees Rocky and walks up to him. Goemon gets up and sees Ebisumaru eating his dumplings. Irritated, Goemon grabs Ebisumaru and runs back to fight Pocky & Rocky. Pocky gets the blue orb while Rocky gets the red one.
Before their eyes, Goemon jumps up and tosses his Ryos towards the two. Pocky & Rocky slide away from enemy fire. Pocky and Rocky go in a pose as if they're about to throw more projectiles. Goemon side-jumps to the left but is hit by Pocky's upgraded spreading attack. He is then hit by Rocky's fire balls. Finally, Goemon gets angry enough to use Sudden Impact.
Goemon: IKE!
(music: Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon: Goe Goe Spark)
Goemon runs and jumps up to perform a powerful Kiseru attack to try and kill Pocky & Rocky for good...
But Rocky, just in time, turns into his invincible stone form. Goemon hits the statue and not a single scratch. Goemon jumps back and sees Ebisumaru. Ebisumaru...
...couldn't do another money-costing move. The Ryo meter shows 0 and for three times the Goemon buzzer sounds when the arrow pointing at the 0 appears. Pocky & Rocky slide towards them. They both dodge several yards back. Goemon is furious and runs with fury rapidly swinging his kiseru towards Pocky & Rocky to attempt to ram them for good.
Pocky after her eye-catch animation uses her bomb which explodes and...
causes Goemon to be electrocuted and blown up into bloody pieces.
(music: Pocky & Rocky 2: Map)
Pocky & Rocky run towards Ebisumaru as if he's next. He then uses his Chibi-Ebi magic to shrink his size and attempt to run into a small knothole in the house behind them. Before he could escape, Rocky crushes him like a bug with his feet.
Pocky & Rocky give each other a high five.
RESULTS[]
(music: Pocky & Rocky 2: Title Theme)
Pocky & Rocky are requesting for some dumplings at the same dumpling shop while some men wash off Goemon & Ebisumaru's remains.
K.O.!
Boomstick: Say sayonara to those suckers! Who knew a little girl & a tanuki would have this in the cards?
Wiz: Both Goemon & Ebisumaru may be superior in power, arsenal, and aerial dynamics, but Pocky & Rocky's greater defense, faster and limitless ammo, as well as better chemistry proved to help them survive.
Boomstick: Pocky was struck by powerful lightning bolts, but that didn't stop her. After all, she & Rocky could get hit by electricity a few times and still live.
Wiz: While Goemon & Ebisumaru could use projectiles too, their supply of firepower was limited. They could carry up to 9999 Ryo each, but Pocky & Rocky have unlimited firepower and could toss their projectiles at a much more rapid pace. They could toss more than 9999 of their ammo and never run out.
Boomstick: Plus Goemon & Ebisumaru's personalities proved to have taken the best of them, and they would get too distracted by hotties.
Wiz: Like Pocky & Rocky, Goemon & Ebisumaru fought ghosts and demons too, but for ghosts, they couldn't defeat some of them by just hitting them with their default weapons like Pocky & Rocky has to all ghosts they've encountered.
Boomstick: Man, that statue Rocky turned into was hardcore!
Wiz: Yes, and with Rocky's ability to transform into things like Tanuki are said to do in mythology, his immobile stone form was invincible with a shield strong enough for him to be immune to even the most powerful attacks in his quest. The Kshitigarbha statues in real world would've been broken easily from such powerful attacks being made of cast stone, a material that Goemon's kiseru power would've cracked into pieces. Despite Rocky's stone form's texture, by its immunity from such powerful forces meant its durability must have been a lot stronger than graphene said nowadays to be the world's sturdiest material. Ebisumaru may have stunned Pocky with his Poison Gas but accordingly humans weren't killed by it like ghosts were, not to mention it could cause Goemon to faint in disgust too.
Boomstick: And how about those bombs?
Wiz: Goemon's bomb laid down for a moment then exploded. Unfortunately, the firepower of that type of bomb is said to be no greater than regular Ryo power. Pocky & Rocky's bombs are another story. They do cause more damage to enemies than the Ofuda and leaves plus they are far less predictable as in unpredictable as they go off before any enemy would know. Oh, and Sudden Impact made Goemon weaker to attacks. That flaw and Pocky's bomb proved enough to result to his destruction.
Boomstick: And Ebisumaru was slower in Chibi-Ebi form giving Rocky an easy chance to squash him like a bug that he was the size of. Those two thieves just got their victory stolen.
Wiz: The winners are Pocky & Rocky.
