Interlude[]
Wiz: No matter the danger or the task, those in law enforcement uphold law and order and keep the peace
Boomstick: Unfortunately, the world had to deal with these two dumbasses
Wiz: Lt. Frank Drebin, head of Police Squad
Boomstick: And Johnny English, M17's sole survivor
Wiz: I'm Wizard and he's Boomstick and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skill to see who will win a Death Battle!
Frank Drebin[]
Boomstick: The year is 1988, and in some random-ass town in the Middle East, America's greatest enemies were plotting to humiliate the country
Wiz: Inside the building, they threw around several ideas, including ripping their entrails out from there to Damascus, wiping out DC and New York, and a terrorist act that would make the US look weak and frail
Boomstick: Well, the tea server seemed to have enough of that bullshit, and decided to take matters into his own hands
Wiz: All within a minute, the server broke Amin's hand, exposed Ayatollah's mohawk, wiped of Gorbachev's birthmark, and beat the rest of the room
Boomstick: But this server was no ordinary man, he is Lieutenant Frank Drebin, Police Squad! And he better not catch them in America
Drebin goes to walk out the window but bangs his head and falls out the window
Boomstick: Yep, America's fucked. Buckle up folks, you're in for a doozy.
Wiz: Despite him becoming a Lieutenant Detective at the Los Angeles Police Squad!, Frank Drebin has to be one of the most incompetent cops currently employed in California.
Boomstick: We talk about cops bad at their job now, wait until you find out what this dumbass has done
Wiz: After beating the room full of US enemies, Drebin came back to LA to find out that his partner Norberg was attacked and framed for drug use. Swearing to get to the bottom of it, he got to work.
Boomstick: To make a hilarious and long story short, he immediately got into a Three Stooges "You Owe Me $20" bit about a boat tied to a financial mogul that Norberg was shot at, investigated the records of Vincent Ludwig after stabbing the shit out of himself with both a samurai pen and a lion fish while also meeting his unwitting secretary Jane, chased down a doctor that tried to kill Norberg and got him blown up in a fireworks factory, burnt down Ludwig's apartment after searching it without a warrant while also destroying the evidence, and fucked up the ceremony that welcomed the Queen to Los Angeles.
Wiz: Being fired after botching the Queen's welcome ceremony, Drebin finally got his chance to prove he wasn't a bumbling doofus.
Boomstick: Drebin got tipped off that during the baseball game with the Queen in attendance, one of the players would be hypnotized by Ludwig to assassinate her during the 7th inning stretch, and disguised himself as the opera singer hired to sing the National Anthem
Drebin: And the rocket’s… red glare! Lots of bombs in the air, gave proof through the night, that we still had our flag. Oh does that star spangled banner wave o-o-o-over all we see, for the h-o-o-ome of the land, and the land… of the… FREE!
Boomstick: Fuck, make it stop!
Wiz: He then disguised himself as the home plate umpire and managed to call a relatively clean game, all while checking all the players that came up to bat for weapons
Boomstick: But that didn't stop Reggie Jackson from being hypnotized during a brawl incited by Drebin and grabbing a gun from 2nd base.
Wiz: Thankfully for the Queen, Drebin acted quickly, firing at the would be assassin, and completely missed
Boomstick: Buuut it ended up hitting my ex-wife in the stands and then she fell on top of Jackson. So still, Drebin saved her.
Wiz: Seeing no other option, Ludwig hauled himself out while taking Jane as a hostage.
Boomstick: This time around Frank finally was able to land a shot on Ludwig, making him tumble off the stadium and then getting crushed by a bus, a steamroller, and the University of Spoiled Children's marching band.
Wiz: University of Spoiled Children..? Are you still that mad over Lincoln Riley leaving Oklahoma for USC?
Boomstick: He gutted them Wiz! Gutted them! And then fucked off to avoid playing in the SEC to save his credibility as a coach. Heheheh, if only the bastard knew they'd be moving to the Big Ten a year after he got there...
Wiz: Riiiight... anyways, afterwards he finally proposed to Jane and then was reunited with Norberg, and then promptly sent him down Angel's Stadium's stairs
Boomstick: This wasn't the end of Frank's dumb luck however, 4 years later someone decided to bomb a research lab and Frank was called in to investigate.
Wiz: Reunited with his now-ex Jane, Frank did what was normal for him, bumbling through the case until Jane identified Hector Savage, the one who bombed the lab
Boomstick: Frank and the rest of Police Squad chased him down and pinned him in a house, only for Frank to steal a tank while they were negotiating his surrender and proceeded to bowl through the house. Savage got away
Wiz: And in true Naked Gun fashion, he lost control of the tank, bowled through everything he came across until he crashed into one of the walls of the city zoo
Boomstick: Which made all the animals break out and made Drebin look like a dumbass. Again
Wiz: Well he made up for it later by rescuing Jane from Savage, killing him while also finding out where the ones responsible for the bombing were at.
Boomstick: Once again, he fucked it up, getting captured, tried to free himself while knocking out another hostage with shelved items, and was rescued by Police Squad.
Wiz: TBA
Johnny English[]
Pre-Death Battle[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set! Lets end this debate once and for all!
Boomstick: Its time for a Death Battle!
Death Battle[]
Frank is bumbling with way through a power plant, sneaking around and coming to a locked door
Drebin: "Ah, too easy"
Frank starts to pick the lock and hears.... whistling
Frank looks at the door and finishes picking the lock, opening the door
The door swings open, and a black-haired man is standing there
???: "Works every time"
The man fixes his tie and Drebin pops up from the ground, the two holding their guns up at each other
???: "Who are you and how did you get here?"
Drebin: "I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith"
???: "Locksmith? Could it be you're just scraping through with the locks I already opened with my whistle?"
Drebin: Whistling?
Drebin lowers his gun and walks into the room and, very loudly, whistles
Drebin: "See? Nothi--"
The room erupts in gunfire and the two men duck for cover
Drebin: "See what you did now? Who are you anyways?"
???: "Johnny English, M17, and thank you for getting us killed"
Drebin: "Killed? We don't look dead, and are clearly talking and breathing."
English: "Shut up"
He elbows Frank in the face and Frank gets up and grabs him in a choke hold, pointing his gun to his head
Drebin: "STOP SHOOTING OR I KILL THE MAN!"
The gunfire slowly stops and Drebin pulls English out of the room
Drebin: "Phew, that was easy"
English simply punched Frank and he recoils in pain and stumbled back
Drebin: "That's the thanks I get for saving your life?"
English: "You exposed me and nearly got me killed. In the name of her majesty the Queen, you're under arrest"
Drebin: "The Queen? I saved her once"
English: "Lies"
FIGHT!