Faust(Guilty Gear) VS Valentine(Skull-Girls) Is a What If? DEATH BATTLE. It features two deadly medics.
Description[]
Guilty Gear VS Skull-Girls! Two medics who can hurt as much as they can heal! Will Faust be able to DESTROY Valentine? Or will Valentine be the BLOCKBUSTER of this fight?
Interlude[]
Boomstick: *Cough*Cough*
Wiz: When's the last time you went to the doctor Boomstick?
Boomstick: Doctor!? Forget about it! I ain't going near any of those guys, especially if they're anything like these two fighters.
Wiz: Hmm, good point.
Boomstick: Faust, the destructive doctor of Guilty Gear
Wiz: And Valentine, the murderous medic from Skullgirls
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
Faust Turns Up The Heat In DEATH BATTLE[]
Wiz: The 1st Millennium, an era of war, research, and the loss of many resources, all of this would've meant a great blow to humanity if it hadn't been for the discovery of Magic.
Boomstick: But, this isn't your typical Harry Potter/Gandalf magic. This magic could be used to basically work as an alternative for fossil fuels and stuff.
Wiz: While the use of magic opened the door to many environment friendly power, it could also be weaponized, and thus war broke out.
Boomstick: But not all would use their hocus pocus for violent means, there were some good guys who would use it to heal.
Wiz: And one of these people was the mysterious doctor, Faust.
Boomstick: Good ol' Faust used to be a regular run-of-the-mill magic doctor...wait!
Wiz: Indeed. His skills as a physician were so renowned that several people would travel far and wide just to be treated by him. But all of that would change on one tragic day...
Boomstick: You see, there was this sick girl who Faust was treating. Everything was going fine and dandy until she suddenly kicked the bucket. As you can imagine, this was a huge bummer for Faust.
Wiz: Guilt and despair took hold of Faust, driving him mad.
Boomstick: But instead of dealing with it the normal way, you know; drinking, women, therapy. Faust took a more drastic route.
Wiz: He would turn to a life of murder, becoming the infamous serial killer known as Dr. Baldhead.
Boomstick: What!? How can any of his victims take him seriously with a name like that!?
Wiz: His reign of terror would last for a long time before his eventual capture. Upon which, he was later released to participate in the Gear: Testament's tournament. Through this tournament, Baldhead would soon be shaken up from his killing frenzy, by none other than the ghost of the girl he failed to save.
Boomstick: Wait! He can talk with ghosts?
Wiz: Well, he is adept in spiritual arts and the occult. But that's besides the point. After being comforted by the young girl's spirit telling him that her death wasn't his fault, Baldhead would give up his life of crime and retake his profession as doctor (although without a license) once more. Faust had been reborn.
Boomstick: So he became an anti-hero, while also a doctor? That's pretty awesome. And even more with all the bad-ass things Faust can do.
Wiz: With his use of magic and other spiritual techniques, coupled with his medical background, Faust is probably the most unpredictable and unorthodox fighter in Guilty Gear. He can summon objects from seemingly out of nowhere.
Boomstick: Inside this "hammer space" he can pull out a bunch of shit. Bombs, oil drums, hammers, spring pads, poisons, donuts, mini-Fausts, a f*cking mini black-hole, and even meteors. Seriously, where does he keep this stuff?
Wiz: Likely inside his own pocket dimension, where he can teleport in and out of with ease by using a magic rug, or a door, allowing for multiple surprise attacks. Though try not to wrap your head around it too much, it's mainly used for transportation and storage. But reality bending isn't the only thing on Faust's list of unbelievable skills.
Boomstick: This guy is a walking Looney Tune. He can bend, contort, shift, and morph his entire body like crazy. The guy literally reflects attacks by transforming into a little boy swinging a bat. He twists his entire body to spin it at high speeds, and he can even throw his own head like a bomb!
Wiz: Not only that, but Faust's Chinese background has granted him the use of Ki/Chi, which he can use to harm and exorcise spirits, and in some cases even grow flowers from the ground with no seeds needed. And it's also likely that he may have learned some Chinese martial arts as well given his efficiency in wielding his giant scalpel.
Boomstick: You know you're doing something right when a dude possessed by ghosts and a guy stuck outside his timeline come asking for your help.
Wiz: Absolutely, Faust's skills have not faltered in the slightest. He has even fought many of the strongest fighters from guilty gear, such as I-No, Leo Whitefang, Zato-1, and Slayer, all of whom can move at insanely hyper-sonic speeds and take/give mountain breaking attacks and beyond.
Boomstick: Yes, this guy fights guitar witches, kings, assassins, and vampires.
Wiz: But even these feats don't compare (in terms of absurdity at least) to Faust's more over the top attacks.
Boomstick: This guy can ram his *BLEEP* so hard up your *BLEEP* that even the most serious characters have a hard time not flinching in pain! Talk about *BLEEP* WIZ! CAN YOU STOP MESSING WITH THE CENSOR BUTTON!?
Wiz: Sorry, want to keep it PG.
Boomstick: We make characters fight to the death! How the hell is that PG?
Wiz: Hmm, good point. But all that aside, Faust is also very talented with surgery that he can give a person a face-lift (which in real life usually takes 4 to 6 hours) in mere seconds. And his accomplishments don't end there; He helped deliver Ky Kiske and Dizzy's baby, freed Zappa from the souls that tormented him, and even defeated the assassin behind the young girl's death, Zato.
Boomstick: Is there anything this guy can't do?
Wiz: Well, for starters, his mental stability could still be called into question, not to mention that while he's still a very powerful fighter, stronger enemies are still likely to defeat him. In fact, in one timeline he was killed by I-No back when he was known as Dr. Baldhead. Not to mention that if he knows an opponent is stronger than him, he'll usually prefer to run away and avoid a confrontation.
Boomstick: You know, for a such a wacky guy, I might just consider going to him the next time I get alcohol poisoning.
Wiz: How often does that happen?
Boomstick: Almost every weekend, or holidays.
Wiz: *sigh* How are you even alive?
Faust: "You should have come sooner! Stop whining. Let`s change... well... everything!"
Valentine Is Ready For Showtime In DEATH BATTLE[]
Wiz: What would you risk to have any wish granted?
Boomstick: Normally I'd say anything, but if Twisted Metal has taught me anything is that this wish granting mumbo jumbo will somehow screw you over.
Wiz: And you'd be right. Such is the case with the Skull-Heart.
Boomstick: The what?
Wiz: An ancient artifact that grants any woman their desired wish.
Boomstick: Wait, so if it only grants wishes to chicks, then why did you ask me the previous question? What are you implying?
Wiz: For many years, this artifact had brought ruin whenever it was used. You see, while it does grant wishes, the Skull-Heart is a sentient being, and it twists the requests into something horrible.
Boomstick: Ah yes, the good ol' Calypso move of messing with someone's wish. But how bad can it be?
Wiz: Well, after it distorts the woman's wish, it slowly begins possessing them and eventually turning them into a Skullgirl. A powerful being with dark powers in hopes of eventually destroying the world.
Boomstick: I don't see the downside to that. You get to become a powerful monster! But if it's so dangerous, why not just destroy it?
Wiz: It is possible, but It'll just come back after seven years.
Boomstick: Oh.
Wiz: To combat this threat, the Anti-Skullgirl Labs were created with several fields in hopes of finding a way to put the Skullgirl scourge down for good.
Boomstick: You see, each lab focused on a single specialty, but the one we're concerned with is Lab 7: Medical/Drug research. I mean come on, couldn't you tell by just looking at Faust's opponent?
Wiz: Very little is known about Valentine's past, all we do know is that she participated in the medicinal field of research along with fellow members: Christmas, Patty, Easter, and Hallow.
Boomstick: Wait, she knew the Easter Bunny and Santa?
Wiz:(prolonged pause) No.
Boomstick: Oh, okay. But Wiz, how's she supposed to face Faust if she's just a normal nurse.
Wiz: Oh no no no my good Boomstick. Believe me, Valentine is more than just a researcher. Remember, the main objective of ASL is to exterminate the Skullgirl, so their members obviously had to be prepared for the worst. In fact, Valentine was part of the ASL' s black ops division known as The Last Hope.
Boomstick: Man, Valentine was already a 10 for me, but that just boosted her up to goddess status.
Wiz: Sadly, the worst did come to pass. And Lab 7 was destroyed by the Skullgirl, Marie. And although Valentine survived, her journey would be far from over, and she would suffer the loss of all her allies.
Boomstick: So what do you do when life's got you down? Mope? Get drunk? Hell no, just keep on being a bad-ass! And that's exactly what Valentine is!
Wiz: Valentine is experienced in the way of the ninja. and with the improvements she made on herself through her research in Lab 7, she has also acquired several superhuman abilities.
Boomstick: Yeah, this sexy nurse don't care who you are, she will kill you if she can. I mean, look at how she uses all those medical gizmos as weapons.
Wiz: Despite her odd arsenal, her skills with such tools are nothing to laugh at. She can cut through enemies with her bone-saw, over-stress blood with her stethoscope, swing opponents away with an IV pole. She is also able to throw multiple scalpels at high speeds along with crosses, force them to faint with anesthetic gas, poison them in several ways with syringes, knock foes down with a knee-jerk hammer, and even use a body-bag as a weapon.
Boomstick: But haven't even gotten to the good stuff. With her Purple poison she can cause slow damage over a period of time, Green poison causes her opponents to become easily stunned, and her Orange poison makes them sluggish.
Wiz: Valentine can make a rapid dash and slice at her opponent with a bone-saw, moving faster than the eye can see. And with her body-bag, she can trap them inside and slam them to the ground or even an operating table to perform a bloody surgery on them. Plus, she can even shock opponents through the ground with her defibrillators and even revive fallen allies.
Boomstick: You know, I still find it hard to believe she's capable of doing all this shit with hospital tools.
Wiz: You better believe it. She has held her own against opponents like Beowulf, who can fight and defeat monsters spawned by the Skullgirl Marie. Valentine herself has kept up pace with Marie(although she was defeated, her skills did spare her life) *though was also capable of beating the Skullgirl, she has defeated Painwheel, and in some scenarios, Peacock. She was even capable of hitting and lifting Grand Band (who weighs 5000lbs) off the ground.
Boomstick: Oh man, I think I'm in love. Talk about the perfect woman.
Wiz: Don't get too attached. Valentine is pretty emotionless and not above merciless actions. She was actually responsible for the creation of Painwheel, although under the command of Brain Drain. And she has lost fights against Marie (even becoming her servant), Grand Band, and Filia Medici. So stronger or faster opponents can bring her down if given the chance.
Boomstick: Eh, I'd still go get a check up. Even if she killed me in the end.
Valentine: "This may sting...a bit."
Pre-Fight[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE[]
We cut to huge abandoned city with not a single soul in sight. On one of the rooftops, a feminine silhouette can be seen sneaking around, it is Valentine, searching for something or someone. Something catches her attention off in the distance. A lanky figure is riding the wind with a huge umbrella. The figure lands on the ground and starts walking towards an alleyway.
Valentine: Target spotted.
The ninja nurse jumps from rooftop to rooftop, pursuing the bag-headed doctor until she finally reaches his location. She jumps into the alley, but finds no trace of Faust. Suddenly a voice prompts her to turn around.
Faust: May I ask why you are following me?
Valentine isn't intimidated by the tall man standing before her. She assumes her offensive stance.
Valentine: Dr. Faust, formerly known as the serial killer Baldhead, you've been selected for termination. Side effects may include nausea, headaches...and death!
The odd doctor crouches into his combat position.
Faust: Sorry, but I have patients waiting
FIGHT!
Special Thanks: NerdWithAKeyboard
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKUqZrSlapc)
The two combatants dash past each other at incredible speeds managing to wound one another with a single strike. Valentine quickly reacts by hitting Faust with several kicks and swipes from her scalpel and tongue compressor catching the medic off guard. In an attempt to escape this assault, Faust spins at high-speeds, propelling himself at the nurse like a swirling missile and knocking her across the air.
Valentine manages to land on her feet and jump towards Faust. The two engage in an airborne battle, with Valentine's bone-saw repeatedly colliding with Faust's giant scalpel. The constant clashes accumulate into a huge wave of impact that knocks both fighters to the ground. Faust gets up first and reaches into his coat.
Faust: Let's see what I have in here.
The bag-masked doctor pulls out an oil drum and hurls it at the deadly nurse, who slices it in half with her saw.
Valentine: Time for a major surgery!
Valentine rushes Faust with an EKG Flatliner attack, slashing him back and forth twelve times with increasing rapidness. Before she's able to land the final cut, Faust moves out of the way and catches her with a fishing line produced by his scalpel. With it he pulls Valentine towards him and slaps her into the air only to to then follow up with a karate chop that shoots her into the floor. Valentine lands on the puddle left by the oil drum, getting soaked in the process.
Faust: Farewell!
He throws his bag head like a bomb, causing an explosion that leads into a fire, scorching Valentine. However, the ninja manages to escape in the knick of time with only a few burns.
Valentine: Phew! That was close.
She turns around to witness Faust pouncing at her, but she immediately counters by hitting back with a body-bag. As Faust stands dazed, Valentine proceeds to use the corpse inside the bag to smack the doctor three consecutive strikes, until finally ending it with a powerful kick that pushes him back.
Valentine jumps for an aerial attack, but Faust crawls out her reach and once more reaches for his pockets. In a flash, Valentine spots several mini-Fausts floating down in balloons. She wastes no time and throws numerous scalpels in rapid succession, managing to kill some of the miniature foes. However, before she can finish of the rest, Faust dashes towards her and knocks her upwards with a powerful lick of his tongue, following up on his uppercut with a flurry of swipes and hits. Finally, he kicks her into a pile of mini-Fausts, which begin crawling on top of Valentine and restraining her.
Valentine: How disgusting.
As she starts ripping the mini-Fausts off of her, she notices the tall doctor is gone. She looks around to see where he went, but can't find him.
Faust: Surprise!
Suddenly, Valentine is knocked back by the sudden opening of a door, she turns to see Faust walking through a doorway seemingly from nowhere. Valentine quickly gets back up and the two engage in close quarters combat once more, unaware that the fire started by Faust's oil drum has begun spreading around them.
In a sudden rush, the two lock weapons in a standstill, but are interrupted by the clouds of smoke hindering their vision. The combatants turn to face the fire as it is about to reach a several nitrogen tanks at the end of the alley.
Faust/Valentine: Oh Shit!
Valentine instantly jumped away, climbing to the top a nearby skyscraper. Faust on the other hand, teleported himself away by disappearing into his magic cover, he too reappeared at the top of the skyscraper to continue their fight. Down bellow, the two saw th large explosion they managed to avoid.
While Faust is distracted he gets hit by a spinning dead cross from Valentine, who keeps pushing him back with several combos. Faust counters with a slash from his scalpel and manages to split Valentine in two. However, her body quickly vanishes and the true Valentine uses a freezing ward to immobilize Faust.
Valentine: Be a big boy and try not to cry.
She sticks 3 syringes into Faust causing him to stagger as he begins to weaken. Valentine tries to follow up with a throat slit, but Faust manages to barely throw a chemical vile at her, which breaks on her head before she can deflect it. The mysterious substance causes her to become dizzy as she too has been poisoned. As his enemy stands confused, Faust eats a donut to cure himself. He then summons a flurry of meteors which strike Valentine down while causing the ground around them to begin crumbling.
The effects of the poison wear off in time for Valentine to block an attack from Faust. She kicks him away and stands back up. Faust tries to reach into his pockets for more weapons, but Valentine pulls out two defibrillators and shocks the ground, causing the electric current to reach Faust. The surge of electricity causes Faust to uncontrollably twist and turn, spilling several objects out of his coat.
Among the objects is a bomb, which detonates just as Valentine is about to attack Faust once more. The explosion causes the ground beneath them to crumble causing both fighters to fall into the building.
While in free fall, Faust manages to grab on to some falling rubble and mount it, Using his scalpel he tosses a fishing line and hooks Valentine towards him. However, the nurse kicks Faust away before he can strike her. With an IV pole, Valentine smacks Faust accross the face. Faust twirls his scalpel and counters Valentine's assault. Before she can react, the doctor throws her towards another piece of debris. As valentine regains consciousness, she looks down to see a launch pad beneath her.
Faust: Ta-ta!
The trap springs her into the air, sending her flying high.
Valentine: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....!!!
Faust sighs in relief.
Faust: Well, now that I've gotten rid of that distraction, it's time to get back on schedule. Wait, just how high is this building? I'm still falling!
As Faust looks down to see how far he has left to go, the doctor fails to notice Valentine accelerating down with a powerfull kick. Before he can react, the nurse lands her hit.
The attack causes Faust to become disoriented. Valentine slashes and kicks Faust to the edge of the falling piece of debris, and with one final strike, she breaks the concrete beneath them, sending Faust crashing to the ground in a ball of fire.
Faust's landing leaves a huge crater on the floor.
Valentine: It's time to finish this!
However, even while severely injured Faust reacts in time to stab the falling nurse with his scalpel. But Valentine jumps away before he can fully impale her. She tries dashing once more, but a strong force is pulling her back. She turns around and sees a small black hole sucking her in.
Faust: Too bad!
The tall doctor slides towards his opponent and strikes from multiple angles with quick strikes before attacking her from behind. Valentine turns around to find Faust crouched down holding his fingers in a piercing postion, aiming at her butt. A malicious glimmer can be seen from his eye-hole.
Valentine: Wait! What are y-
Faust: Injecting Love!
With a fearsome impulse, Faust drives his fingers at his opponent. Valentine's face becomes one of embarrasment, but also slightly aroused.
Valentine: (Blushing) Stone cold...and red hot!
With this attack, Valentine stumbles to the ground as Faust gets up to land the finishing blow. However, an enraged Valentine threw a scalpel at his face, stabbing him in one eye, causing Faust to writhe in pain. With a high kick, the nurse launched the doctor into the air and sealed him inside her body bag before pile-driving him into an operating table. With a malicious expression, Valentine pulled out her tools and began slicing and dicing the body bag. Finally after a deadly slice, Valentine stopped her attack.
Valentine: That's for humiliating me!
She opened the bag, only to find it empty. A surprised Valentine began looking around, trying to find the doctor. Suddenly, a voice from above caught her attention.
Faust: Looking for me?
Valentine: What!?
Faust had teleported away after being caught in the bag, managing to land an overhead attack on Valentine, stunning the nurse. Wasting no time at all, Faust covered her with his carpet.
Valentine awakaned to find herself strapped down to a table. A bloodied Faust stood beside it looking down at her before pulling a scalpel.
Faust: Time to taste your own medicine.
With deadly grace, Faust sliced and cut his opponent's face, shredding it into bloody ribbons as classical music played in the background. Finally, with a finishing pose, Faust revealed a headless Valentine.
Faust: I don't expect you to like the look.
KO!
Faust pulls out his umbrella and takes off into the air, meanwhile Valentine's corpse in found by Peacock.
Results[]
Boomstick: Wow, I did not expect the ass attack!
Wiz: Valentine's skills were certainly helpful during this fight, and her unconventional weaponry made it difficult for Faust to deduce her next move right away. However, Faust was just much better overall.
Boomstick: Valentine may have unpredictable weapons, but Faust's arsenal was just more outrageous. Look at all the shit the dude carries in his pockets! Nothing Valentine had was gonna top that. Plus, Faust's toon-like abilities made it harder for Valentine to take him by surprise or do any damage that actually mattered.
Wiz: Valentine may have fought tough enemies like Peacock, Grand Band, and Beowulf. But Faust's opponents were far more powerful. I-No, Leo, and Zato (Characters who are capable of obliterating mountains and countries on their own) easily outclass the entire cast of Skullgirls, and Faust has gone toe to toe with them, and in some scenarios, even beaten them. He even outran Leo Whitefang, who can move at light speeds.
Boomstick: And Faust's teleportation and ridiculous attacks made it hard for Valentine to put those stealthy ninja techniques to suse. Plus, while Valentine mainly focused on deadly wepaonry and poisons, Faust actually had balance between hurting and healing skills and items. So while Faust could recover from most of Valentine's attacks, the same couldn't be said for the sexy nurse.
Wiz: Overall, Faust had the better strength, speed, toon-force, and medicinal skills to put Valentine down.
Boomstick: Sure hope Faust doesn't feel Guilty for having the right Gears to destroy the Skull of this Girl.
Wiz: The winner is Faust