| “ | Manners and hard work? Doesn't exist for these two grouches! | „ |
| ~ Tagline |
Eustace Bagge vs Squidward Tentacles is a What-If? Death Battle episode by GoCommitDi, featuring Eustace Bagge from Courage the Cowardly Dog and Squidward Tentacles from SpongeBob SquarePants in a battle between depressed, unappreciated grouches who are known for having very short tempers, slacking off all day, and berating others.
Description[]
Courage the Cowardly Dog vs SpongeBob SquarePants! Anger is one of our many natural emotions, and it's not a bad thing to express your frustrations here and there, but these two brash, unlucky grouches must be fueled by a volcano, because they definitely take their rage way up the roof. It's not like they can do anything about it either since they live in proximity to the hero they get constantly annoyed by and are stuck in crapsack towns that are downright torturous to live in.
In a wacky, toony battle to the death where you will probably need to put on earplugs, which selfish slacker will rise up (from their lounging chairs) and prove to be the most ferocious of them all: Eustace Bagge, the depressed, lonely farm owner of Nowhere and husband of Muriel, or Squidward Tentacles, the depressed, aspiring musician of Bikini Bottom and next-door neighbor of SpongeBob and Patrick?
Intro[]
Patchy: Aggression is a key part of us and is normal to experience, but it's important to keep it in control since it can lead to selfishness and venting it out in some rather questionable ways.
Potty: Yeah, these bald ticking bombs have anger and jealousy that is not like anything you've seen before!
Patchy: They aspire to be praised one way or another due to having a miserable childhood where they didn't exactly receive TLC from their neglectful mothers, and it doesn't help that they had a wealthier rival who'd one-up them in everything imaginable.
Potty: But it seems like all the world can ever do for them is make their karma catch up to them and injure them in the worst ways imaginable. Seriously.
Patchy: Eustace Bagge, the grumpy husband of Muriel who is haunted by his lack of talent, good looks, and the feeling of being overshadowed by his own dog, Courage...
Potty: ...and Squidward Tentacles, the grumpy octopus of Bikini Bottom who is haunted by his lack of talent, his annoying neighbors, and his dead-end minimum wage job.
Patchy: I'm Patchy the Pirate, and he's Potty the Parrot.
Potty: And it's our job to analyze weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win...a Death Battle.
Stupid DEATH BATTLE! You Make Eustace Bagge Look Bad![]
Patchy: Have you ever dreamed about living on a farm, several miles away from civilization and being able to grow your own crops? Well, I'm sure the town of Nowhere will change your mind about that.
Potty: Located right in the middle of Kansas, Nowhere is a source of supernatural phenomena where all sorts of absolutely terrifying monsters run rampant, ranging from psychotic hypnotists to spiritual soul collectors.
Patchy: More importantly, it's home to Eustace Bagge, a cynical, elderly farmer who was raised by Ma Bagge. I sure hope "Ma" isn't her legal name because that would be weird.
Potty: Let's say Eustace's mother wasn't exactly the most ideal mother. She would constantly call him a "stupid boy" and mock him for his premature baldness, which he inherited from his father. Not only that, but Eustace's older brother, Horst, would always be the one getting attention since he was more successful than Eustace could ever hope of being.
Patchy: Horst was a renowned hunter and explorer who had over billions of dollars, and his ego was just as big as his profit, which meant he would contribute to bullying Eustace. Hell, he even started calling him "Useless", and this was seemingly not too long after their father died! Talk about fatherless behavior!
Potty: Gotta have a coping mechanism, right?
Patchy: Only you would suggest something like that. Anyway, Eustace felt that he could never measure up to Horst, so he grew an undying desire to be successful whenever the opportunity arises, causing him to grow a greedy side to his personality. Then, life took a weird turn for Eustace after that.
Potty: He married Muriel, whom he loves very much, but it didn't take too long for Muriel to find a new home for a certain courageous dog.
Patchy: Uhh...Scooby-Doo?
Potty: No, you blithering idiot. Courage.
Patchy: Is there a difference?
Potty: After Courage's parents were sent to outer space by a deranged veteranian, Courage was all alone in an alleyway until Muriel encountered him during a stroll.
Patchy: (sniffling and tearing up, only to then abruptly stop) Hey, who left this bowl of onions here?
Potty: Whoops.
Patchy: Since then, Eustace was struck with jealousy. Courage's arrival made him very resentful due to his ongoing fear that Courage distracts Muriel from him. Not wanting his wife to be driven away from him, Eustace can't help but terrorize, strangle, berate, and kick Courage as a way of retaliating. Yikes, I'm glad my mother didn't see me as that much of a disappointment.
Potty: I'm sure she did.
Patchy: TAKE THAT BACK OR I'LL TURN YOU INTO ROASTED TURKEY! (clears his throat) Anyway, Eustace has pulled off some impossible feats in spite of his advanced age. He was capable of trading blows with and surviving a bite from The Shadow, who turned into a bright night sky consisting of 325 stars.
Potty: He harms Courage on a daily basis as well, which is no easy feat because Courage is capable of shattering the entire sun to pieces just by screaming, holding a star above his head that was created by a Starmaker, and literally preventing the sun from dying by swapping its lightbulb. I don't even...what the hell is this show?
Patchy: He's just as durable as he is strong, as Eustace survived Courage's strongest scream at point-blank range, which is a far more powerful version of the same distraught scream that was used to shatter the sun.
Potty: Along with Muriel and Courage, he also survived an alien smacking Earth with a tennis racket, causing it to rapidly spin around the sun numerous times, fast-forwarding Earth a thousand years into the future. This is 391.9 Ronnatons of TNT, enough power to destroy a dwarf star!
Patchy: The same alien also slammed Courage down to Earth after he crashed through the moon. Talk about consistency in a cartoon, eh?
Potty: Oh, that's not all. Eustace has been through some real hell and back like a champ.
Patchy: From being turned into water, to being turned into a golden statue, to getting crushed by a UFO, to getting eaten alive by a dragon, to having his ass burned by a laser gun, to being blasted into space while kidnapped by aliens, to getting cooked alive, the world just can't seem to take that old man down no matter how much it spits on him!
Potty: He also survived being in the epicenter of Courage's loudest scream, which is a far stronger scream than the distraught one that shattered the sun as if it were glass.
Patchy: Kids, make sure to never smoke so your lungs can be as powerful as Courage's!
Potty: And while seniors definitely aren't the fastest, Eustace is the one who can prove that wrong. He can keep up with Courage, who, due to the sun-shattering feat from earlier, screamed at 167.6 times the speed of light due to the sun cracking roughly three seconds after Courage began screaming!
Patchy: Speaking of the sun, Courage also ran from the sun's surface to its very core. The timer showed he only had eight seconds to fix the sun, and the sun's radius is 695,510 kilometers. Divide that by eight, and we will see that Courage ran 86938.75 km/s, or 0.29 times the speed of light! I think this show has a "burning" vendetta against the sun.
Potty: Please stop with the puns.
Patchy: Fine, party pooper. Courage is also capable of dodging lasers at point-blank range...
Potty: ...and lightning bolts with his back turned, with the average lightning bolt usually traveling at 270,000 miles per hour. But it gets weirder from there since Courage once ran all the way from Kansas, to Tibet, to Paris, and then back to Kansas within a matter of seconds!
Patchy: I'm not sure what kind of crack the writers were smoking, but it's very unlikely he did this over the course of several days or through transportation, given how he was in a rush to save Muriel. To add consistency, Eustace has pulled off a feat identical to this, because when he turned into this...kangaroo-kaiju monster thing, he hopped from Kansas to Egypt, to China to India, to France. Yeah...
Potty: While Eustace has laser-guided karma that bites him in the ass for his greedy misdeeds, he fortunately has some extremely potent regeneration on his side that allows him to survive these. He's had his head chopped off, his legs eaten by a tiger, and even reduced to his skeleton!
Patchy: However, his best regeneration feats are when he came back from a pile of ashes on a few different occasions and even coming back from his entire body blowing up into a nuclear cloud, ergo giving him Mid-High regeneration. This means you'd have to completely atomize Eustace at the very least to get rid of him for good.
Potty: Eustace is able to breathe in outer space without any special gear. Not only does this mean he doesn't need oxygen to survive, but he can also withstand TONS of extreme temperatures and cosmic radiation.
Patchy: Which is kinda funny because earlier in the episode, Courage wore a space suit when he was on the sun's surface. AND its core!
Potty: Oh yeah, if you think Eustace is just a pushover, think again. He's skilled enough to defeat a monster that initially overwhelmed him, and fight off Muriel when she was infected by a...werewolf and mole hybrid? Cartoons are weird.
Patchy: On top of that, he's also a talented arm wrestler, and he regularly strangles and kicks Courage, who is skilled enough in combat to fight ancient Chinese warriors. Yeah, I don't think anything can possibly get any weirder than a pink dog beating the snot out of a Chinese empress...
Potty: Well, this one oughta sound more normal - Eustace is so damn depressed and angry all the time that, when he was hit by Dr. Zalost's cannonballs, it did nothing to make him feel worse about himself! Those are the same cannonballs that can make people depressed, even the eternally sweet Muriel.
Patchy: On the other hand of the spectrum, Eustace was completely unaffected by the Curtain of Kindness, which instantly pacified a bloodlusted professor and the entire town. Welp, you know what they say - it takes more muscles to frown than to smile.
Patchy: Who even says that?
Patchy: ...I dunno.
Potty: After unknowingly drinking contaminated tap water, Eustace gained the ability to turn into a gigantic half-kangaroo, half-dinosaur being, greatly boosting his strength! This was so severe that Courage needed a transplant to turn into the same being and defeat Eustace.
Patchy: However, this form does have a weakness, and it's an oddly specific one at that. Eustace's kangaroo monster form can't resist the taste of croissants! I'm sure Carl Wheezer would LOVE to be in his shoes.
Potty: Eustace has an arsenal of weapons that makes him more armed to the teeth than your average American. His most trustworthy and iconic one is his cartoonishly oversized mallet, which gives him lots of room for a good ol' thrashing!
Patchy: He's no stranger to melee combat either, as he's got a baseball bat and an ax - oh, and his iconic Ooga Booga Mask that he loves using to scare the daylights outta Courage. Man, what an asshole!
Potty: But Eustace's most destructive weapon by far is his high-tech laser gun, Big Bob. Passed down from his abusive older brother, Horst, Eustace inherited it after Horst passed away - which I hope was due to a wild animal attack. Not only does it come with its own scope, but it, of course, also shoots out actual light speed lasers!
Patchy: Wouldn't that just ruin the animal pelts and meat?
Potty: Very bold to assume Eustace would spare any mercy to them.
Patchy: With Eustace being such a pain in the ass to kill and owning a fiery arsenal of weapons by his side, what could possibly stop him? Well, for one, Eustace has an ego and a greedy personality that's a lot bigger than his bald head!
Potty: Every single time he has an opportunity to get rich, he will gladly ditch Muriel and Courage without looking back. Case in point when he got sealed away by King Ramses all because he wouldn't return his ancient slab to him even when Ramses was RIGHT there in front of him warning him!
Patchy: Eustace is really idiotic too. I mean, come on, how low do you gotta go to think the Earth's globe is a big ball covered in vomit? 'Cause that's what Eustace thought it was.
Potty: Or how he once admitted he's a terrible farmer who can't grow anything, not even weeds. No, not as in cannabis, you potheads; as in lawn grass that is advised to not grow past three to four inches.
Patchy: Or how he ignores Courage's warnings of incoming threats, like, all the time and tends to insult the various monsters featured throughout the show.
Potty: Eustace is also nearsighted to insane degrees, as he was once dragged halfway across the world without even knowing about it. And don't even think about insulting his bald head, as he's highly insecure abou- actually, what am I saying? Insult him, by all means. Whatever you do, though, don't discuss politics at the dinner table with him.
Patchy: Regardless of his weaknesses, they are not things you should define Eustace by. The guy's been called a useless oath by his mom and brother for half his life, he grew up dirt poor, he lives in a town filled with the most horrifying creatures imaginable, and his mom would call him a "stupid boy" if she wasn't calling him Useless! It's incredible for Eustace to even show a fraction of kindness here and there, because his childhood is certainly not one anybody should experience.
Potty: Now, if only he could be kinder to Courage, because damn! Take a look at all the things that loyal dog does for love.
Eustace: You know, for a stupid dog, you ain't so stupid. BUT YOU'RE STILL A STUPID DOG!
DEATH BATTLE! is Another Migraine for Squidward Tentacles[]
Patchy: Welcome to Bikini Bottom, a bustling underwater city in the Pacific Ocean where all sorts of sea-related antics can happen at any given moment. Here, fish speak and act exactly like humans and have technology that are beyond our own. From crabs, to whales, to microscopic little creatures like plankton, each individual species have a mind of their own.
Potty: And that includes a man who strives to be the biggest star in Bikini Bottom and show the world what he's capable of with his unrecognized talent - Squidward Quincy Tentacles.
Patchy: Squidward was born to a loving father and a nagging mother who doesn't appreciate him very much. She's even said herself, verbatim, "one Squidward was enough"!
Potty: His school life wasn't any better, as he would eat lunch behind the dumpster and was constantly outmatched by his rich, condescending dickwad of a rival, Squilliam Fancyson.
Patchy: Nobody ever seemed to give ol' Tortellini a break, which was why he was officially voted as "Most Likely to Suck Eggs in High School" at one point. High school builds character, am I right?
Potty: That's not the worst part. When he was younger, he attended summer camp at Kamp Koral for over a year, where he would meet his future annoying neighbor, SpongeBob SquarePants. Oh GOD.
Patchy: All of these cemented Squidward's status in his life as a punching bag who would go through bad luck after bad luck, day-by-day. But when Squidward reached adulthood, life...actually treated him well for a bit. Sure, he was stuck with a dead-end job at The Krusty Krab where his stingy boss, Mr. Krabs, either pays his employees with fake money or forces them to pay him, but Squidward somehow managed to afford a two-story house that had his own garden, and for once, he could live in solitude.
Potty: But Squidward's happiness didn't last long. One day, out of the blue, a pineapple dropped from a ship above the surface, landed where Squidward's garden was, and randomly grew windows and a door. SpongeBob, who was house hunting prior to this, was satisfied with this and purchased it.
Patchy: With SpongeBob being the exact opposite of Squidward by being very optimistic, energetic and naive in contrast to Squidward being cynical, brash and overly proud of himself, life went downhill for Squidward from there.
Potty: SpongeBob has tried to get Squidward to see the best parts of life, but it's kinda hard to do that when he interrupts Squidward's privacy a lot and even breaks into his house at 3am each night to watch the sunrise with him as he sleeps! Talk about creepy!
Patchy: Squidward does hold a strong passion for painting and playing his clarinet, but overtime, his dreams have faded due to being surrounded by a job where he gets little to no pay, two pesky neighbors, and jerky citizens. It's so bad that his hopes and dreams now have their own grave!
Potty: What a baby.
Patchy: Despite all odds in his show being against him all the time and being portrayed as the butt of the joke, Squidward actually is pretty tough. He's comparable to SpongeBob, who once unraveled the entire universe with a mere string!
Potty: We know what some of you may be thinking since this feat may feel a bit dodgy for some, so we'll get the elephant in the room out of the way.
(Patchy literally proceeds to push a fully-grown elephant out of the room)
Potty: Not like that, barnacle breath! As in, "Didn't SpongeBob only unravel the galaxy?". While that is reasonable to assume, he did more than that. The string didn't just erase physical objects, but also entire abstracts like boundaries and changing the value of money by deleting the text.
Patchy: In the feat we provided, SpongeBob does not just delete the galaxy, but also everything behind it, meaning that if he has erased just an arbitrary part of the universe using the strings, it means that it would have left with still a space background, but instead it became white, meaning that the universe was affected in its entirety.
Patchy: Yup, and something to back this up is how the white space is technically nothing. In the episode SB-129, Squidward traveled so far into the future that he ended up at the end of the universe, where nothing literally existed. When he returned to the present, he described it as such, which emphasizes that the white space is nothingness.
Patchy: You might also be thinking, "Why would SpongeBob physically scale to the string? Didn't he only cause a chain reaction?". Well, the episode established that the string connects to everything in the universe and composes it, so the string weighs as much as the universe because everything in it is the string. Thanks to SpongeBob constantly lifting and tugging the string with his own hands, he was quite literally supporting the weight of the universe, ergo he scales to the string.
Potty: That's the smartest thing you've ever said.
Patchy: Oh shut up, you scurvy bird! Anyway, what makes this all more consistent is that this isn't the only feat on that magnitude in the series. Like the time Patrick caused an explosion that led to a black hole sucking in the entire universe and sending him, his family, and Man Ray to a parallel universe! On a similar note, Patrick can actually create parallel universes himself.
Potty: Funnily enough, parallel universes are actually consistent.
Patchy: Squidward also scales to SpongeBob inserting an entire pocket dimension within The Krusty Krab's kitchen and housing at least four galaxies.
Potty: And that aligns well with SpongeBob being capable of destroying his own brain, which is a pocket dimension containing a sun and a starry sky.
Patchy: And then it comes full circle with SpongeBob creating Clarinetland, a dimension that houses stars and entire nebulae.
Potty: What is that yellow demon's secret behind creating all these realms?
Patchy: Why, some of 'em are part of a little something called imaginatiooooooon! See, while it's commonly believed that the events of Squidward in Clarinetland are a hallucination, it has been shown repeatedly that dreams and imaginary things are real and interactable in the SpongeBob verse, which means Squidward really did experience the episode's events.
Potty: Squidward is as durable as he is strong, as he survived the destruction of Clarinetland, and he constantly takes some serious beatings from just about everyone in town, including characters who are a lot more muscular than him and some of the most vicious sea animals. In fact, durability is kinda his thing. A bike ride? CRASH! Window slam? BAM! Right in the nose! Falling down a cliff? KA-BOOM! Rainy day? POW! Struck by lightning!
Patchy: Oh, tell me about it. From being on a sushi maker, to getting beaten to a pulp, to having his body stretched around, to getting mutilated, to being stung by jellyfish, to getting mauled, to having everything but his head explode, to having his appearance altered after getting his skull slammed in by a door, to being zapped back and forth, to being burned alive, to having his skin torn off, to being turned inside out from loud music,...lord, it's safe to say he's one of the most tortured characters on TV.
Potty: He's been run over by all sorts of vehicles, trampled by crowds, sliced apart after going inside a big can opener, and even withstood a nuclear explosion that devastated all of Bikini Bottom multiple times!
Patchy: This explosion is identical to the real-life Operation Crossroads, a nuclear weapon test that happened at Bikini Atoll in 1945, yielding 23 kilotons. That's enough power to level an average-sized town, which is impressive, but of course that's the least of what he's survived. Still funny to mention, though.
Potty: For speed, Squidward can run around a voidless realm in around a second, and he can keep up with SpongeBob and Patrick, both of whom were similarly capable of running around Doodle Dimension back and forth. Which, in turn, shouldn't be too far behind SpongeBob reacting to the same string that unraveled the universe. Uhhh...yeah.
Patchy: Patrick can also run to the sun in about fifteen seconds as well, and Squidward can keep up with Sandy too, who surfed from the moon to Saturn in just two seconds.
Potty: Moreover, Squidward could outrun entire armies of Atlanteans, an immortal species of aliens who traveled a distance of tens of thousands of galaxies in order to transport a million-year-old bubble.
Patchy: Onto abilities, we'll start off with something simple and...uhh, kinda gross, actually. Given that Squidward is a cephalopod, he can produce ink. Octopus and squids in the real world ink as a defense mechanism, which has been highlighted by Squidward himself since he stated he does it whenever he gets nervous. Seriously, he squirts it out whenever he gets pseudo nosebleeds!
Potty: And the citizens of Bikini Bottom just...drank it...WHY?!
Patchy: I don't even know, but Squidward's ink can potentially be used to cause his opponent to slip. It can also create...clothing for him? What the barnacles is in that ink?
Potty: But what Squidward is best known for would be his insane regeneration capabilities. This poor slob has, of course, been through numerous antics like having his brain erased, head blown up, disassembled, had his entire body explode, melted to a puddle, and even burnt to a pile of dust!
Patchy: But this is all child's play compared to the two times his entire physical being got shrunk out of existence, only to come back. At this level, Squidward would have a Low-Godly healing factor, meaning Squidward cannot be killed through physical force alone.
Potty: On a similar note, Squidward can near-instantly revive himself if he were to get killed, as he can still live on as a ghost and return to his body. I guess if you're dodging death from your pesky neighbors on a daily basis, having a soul is useless, huh?
Patchy: Squidward was once able to manipulate the plot by turning the entire cartoon black-and-white, which not only distorted reality, but also changed the genre of the episode into noir so it could be more serious!
Potty: Speaking of the plot, Squidward was capable of entering the real world with SpongeBob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs. No, we're not referring to the time they went on the surface after Sandy dared them to; we're talking about...the world above the cartoon itself. How...?
Patchy: Squidward once turned himself completely invisible. I would say that's weird, but he did do that after being asked to work overtime with no extra pay. Seems justified, if you ask me.
Potty: Actually, cephalopods can turn invisible by altering their skin color. This way, they match their surroundings to hide from predators right before their very eyes.
Patchy: Yeah yeah, no need for the lecture, Einstein.
Patchy: Suit yourself.
Patchy: Anyway, you know how Squidward could literally erase his brain? Yeah, he can do that to others as well! With a pencil he took out from his treasure chest, Squidward used the eraser to delete all of SpongeBob's memories that had anything to do with him. This caused SpongeBob to forget who Squidward was, how they met, and all their past experiences with each other.
Potty: It's worth mentioning SpongeBob already has some good resistance to memory manipulation, as he eventually regenerated from his thoughts not related to fine dining being erased, such as his own name.
Patchy: On the topic of SpongeBob, Squidward has imagination powers similar to him, as not only could he wipe out SpongeBob's perception, but he brought Greek legends to life!
Potty: Since he's the grumpiest citizen in Bikini Bottom, Squidward once undid the effects of SpongeBob fusing with everybody in town and reducing them to DNA parts with his quantum negative energy. Imagine being so depressed that it's in your DNA!
Patchy: Squidward can release blazing beams of energy through his eyes if he's pissed off enough.
Potty: Which is funny because he does have the powers of...
Patchy: CAPTAIN MAGMA! Get him angry and he's bound to erupt!
Potty: Hey, if he's underwater, how can there be a-
Patchy: Man, what can't Squidward do? He can turn his head into a lightbulb, instantly reverse any attempts to age him, perform several tasks with all six of his tentacles, survive in a realm that drives people insane and doesn't follow the laws of logic, kick the asses of people trying to kidnap SpongeBob thanks to Sandy's karate lessons, shrug off transmutation, be unaffected from being stuck in a dimension where the victim's worst fears come to life, teleport, and... (gasps for air) be immune to having his mind changed?!
Potty: There's two things he sucks eggs at. There's cooking Krabby Patties-
Patchy: Actually, not really. Sure, his job is a cashier, and he once burnt soda and fried a boot, but with enough motivation, he can keep up with SpongeBob in cooking, meaning Squidward could theoretically cook Krabby Patties.
Potty: So?
Patchy: Krabby Patties are shown to be so addictive that Bikini Bottom went into an apocalypse when the formula disappeared, a single one cured Pearl's hunger that made her eat a whole fridge, and Squidward himself wasn't satisfied until he got his hands on an entire vault's worth of Krabby Patties after eating a tiny piece of one.
Potty: Okay, well, forgive me for that tiny slip-up, nerd. But you wanna know what Squidward really sucks at? Playing the clarinet.
Patchy: That's why it makes a reliable weapon. Squidward's clarinet playing is so god-awful that it collapsed entire buildings and ice glaciers, can harm ghosts, create tornadoes, give someone a heart attack, nauseate someone, and blow off skins!
Potty: Don't worry, he can increase the strength of those terrible sounds - and his stats overall - by turning into the one and only Sour Note, where he becomes a muscular superhero and his clarinet turns into a mechanical one.
Patchy: Unfortunately, Mr. Tentacles isn't as perfect as he'd want you to think. His luck is...off the chart, to say the least. Things are rarely ever successful for him, and he goes through the worst pain every day of the week!
Potty: He's very selfish, and he has a habit of underestimating serious threats. The guy's insulted so many muscular fish by now that his healthcare bills must be in the millions!
Patchy: Plus, if Squidward picks up a new habit, he might go a teensy tiny bit overboard with it. Throwing a snowball? SpongeBob and Patrick thought he went insane. Playing the slide whistle? He drove off a cliff because of it. Learning karate? He got ARRESTED because he wasn't using it in self-defense!
Potty: It's really funny how they make it no secret that Squidward can be just as, if not more annoying than his two neighbors whenever he has a chance to finally express himself.
Patchy: And of course, Squidward has a very, very short temper and can be just as impulsive. Don't get us wrong, there are a few instances where Squidward does next to nothing to go through punishment, but on the other hand, there's plenty of times where the conflict of an episode could've been avoided if Squidward either ignored SpongeBob or wasn't an asshole to him.
Potty: Yup. There are some days where Squidward might be forced to work twenty-four hours straight on his day offs, but there are other days where he will do something like steal SpongeBob's diary and read it to everyone for the hell of it.
Patchy: Don't think about getting on Squidward's bad side, though. Not only will he plow through his insecurities to remind you that your beating is on the house, but deep down inside his massive ego and jerkish actions lies a small heart and unrecognized talents that wish to be acknowledged by the dysfunctional Bikini Bottomites.
Squidward: Even though I can't stand SpongeBob...at the same time...well... I love him. I love him, and I hate him. He's like ice cream with salt on it, because he's sweet and super annoying! He's nice and nails-on-chalkboard annoying! Okay, fine, he's mostly super freaking annoying. But, this little nattering noodge...is my friend...and he doesn't deserve to die.
Intermission/Roots and Bets[]
Potty: Alright, the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Patchy: It's time for a Death Battle!
Place your roots and bets here (or not, up to you ig)
Death Battle[]
The episode opened with a title card similar to one you'd see in Courage the Cowardly Dog, and energetic Hawaiian music played to go along with it. The episode was called "Cranky Concerts", and the title card's artwork consisted of Eustace and Squidward shouting at each other in fury, while a fearful Courage and a cheerful SpongeBob could be seen spectating the commotion right beneath them.
As the day started with a bright shot of Bikini Atoll, the ocean waves could be heard calmly crashing into the surface, and seagulls chirping from a distance. "Ah, ze early afternoon view of Bikini Bottom," the French Narrator said as the camera dwelled underwater and focused on a business that looked a lot like a lobster trap. "A teeming undersea town home to the renowned restaurant, ze Krusty Krab, home to ze world's finest Krabby Patty and its top secret formula."
Down the road, a vehicle blazed through, and it wasn't a boatmobile. Rather, it was a pickup truck that could've only belonged to a farmer up on the surface, and that farmer was no other than Eustace Bagge, an elderly man with round glasses, a brown baseball cap with a bald head underneath it, a pale yellow shirt, olive green overalls, and black boots. He was the one driving. Accompanying him would be his wife, Muriel Bagge, and their pink dog, Courage.
"Isn't it nice to spend quality time away from the house with a tropical vacation?" Muriel asked. Courage nodded, happy to be away from the monsters that routinely plague their hometown.
"Blah blah blah!" Eustace roughly answered. "All a man needs is his TV, chair and newspaper, but no, ya just had to get me off the comfort of my ol' comfy chair!"
"Don't worry, Eustace," Muriel assured her nasty-tempered husband. "I'm sure there are restaurants nearby that will provide us with a warm meal to ease your nerves."
"Oh, right! I only came along on this trip for the exotic food!" Eustace took out a city map for Bikini Bottom and unfolded it, blocking the windshield. "Now, where's that one burger joint? Supposed to be the best in the sea or somethin'." Courage yelped as he slid in front of the map and tried to take control of the wheel, swerving past any incoming vehicles and screaming in terror along the way.
Courage attempted to park the truck someplace safe while Eustace was still looking at the map with intense focus. "Now let's see...take a right past Jellyfish Fields..." He continued muttering the directions and folded the map back up. "Alright, time to get me some mouthwaterin' burgers!" Eustace giddily laughed and grabbed hold of the steering wheel again until he saw that Courage somehow managed to park right in front of The Krusty Krab's sign beforehand. "Oh, whaddya know, we're already here!"
Muriel glanced up at the sign. "The Krusty...Krab..." she read out loud. Courage retched in disgust at the name alone. "Blegh!" he expressed. "Hey, I'll eat anything as long as it ain't cold cuts!" Eustace said.
"Hm...this is the only restaurant within the next several miles, and it may not be fair to judge it based off its name," Muriel explained to Courage. "It can't be that bad." Courage couldn't help but think perhaps his beloved owner's judgment was right. Can't knock on something until you try it, right?
Inside The Krusty Krab, lunch hour was storming up the lobby, the busiest time of day for the restaurant. The local obese nerd, Bubble Bass, waddled to the front of the line. Manning the cash register was a blue octopus with a big, bald head, a big, squishy nose, a brown polo shirt, and an employee hat with an anchor on it. Yup, this was Squidward Tentacles.
"Oh, great, another one of those customers," Squidward muttered under his breath. "That cheapskate Krabs has another thing coming for making me work on my day off..." He took out a notepad and spoke up. "May I take your order?"
"Yesth, I will take a quad patthy with extra Himalayan salt, sthmoked paprika, and aged gouda," Bubble Bass spoke with his lateral lisp.
"Daring today, are we?" Squidward sarcastically asked. "Okay, whatever. SpongeBob! I need one order of-"
"HOLD IT! I'M NOT FINISHED YET! I would also like some Chili Coral Bits..."
After Bubble Bass finished his order, Squidward rung it up and handed a sheet of paper listing the order's contents to his buck-toothed, freckled coworker (and annoying neighbor) through the kitchen window, SpongeBob SquarePants. "SpongeBob! I need one Krabby Patty with twenty-four of everything. Get to it."
"One Krabby Patty, coming riiiiight up!" SpongeBob sung as he produced multiple arms and started cooking. Squidward covered his non-existent ears in annoyance at the sound of this. "Do us all a favor and shut your piehole until it's done."
At the restaurant's entrance, Courage and the Bagges opened the doors and approached the front counter. The first thing Eustace saw was not the high amount of customers, but Squidward reading a magazine at the register. "Hey, are ya gonna give us some service here or what?" Eustace demanded.
"Give me a second; I'm in the middle of catching up on my reading," Squidward said without looking up.
Eustace started ringing the bell loudly. "Are ya gettin' paid to laze around?! I'd love a job like that, but we're starvin'!"
"Well, excuuuuuse me! I'm barely getting paid at all and this is one of the only times I can sit down and relax! On my day off!" Squidward sassed, finally looking eye-to-eye at the farmer. "Now, unless you're gonna waste my time any further, may I take your order?"
"What do you expect?!" Eustace barked. "I'll take three of yer Krabby Patties and some medium drinks."
"Was it that hard?" Squidward turned back. "SpongeBob, I need three Krabby Patties and three medium soda cups." He faced Eustace again. "That will be $5.99, sir." Eustace handed him a few crumpled dollar bills.
Within a flash, SpongeBob tossed three fresh patties onto the grill, added condiments, and prepared the beverage cups. It wasn't long until Eustace, Muriel and Courage were eating their lunch. "Mm...somethin' tastes off about this," Eustace spoke with his mouth full. "What's wrong, Eustace?" Muriel questioned. Eustace gulped it down. "This just don't taste right," he explained. "It's like eatin' a soggy burger." He ate some more and...it just didn't sit right with him. "Well, I think they're quite delicious," Muriel said.
"Nah, I don't." Eustace stood up. "Who cooks these things?!"
SpongeBob's head emerged from the kitchen window. "That would be me, good sir! Are you enjoying your food?" he happily asked. "No, I am not!" Eustace stormed up to him. "Firstly, ya forgot my pickles, ya cheese head! Secondly, these taste soggy. What exactly do you put in 'em?!"
"They were made with love," SpongeBob gleefully assured.
"Oh, so that explains it, then," Eustace crossed his arms. "I ain't no softie, so I demand a refund!"
Inside of the office of SpongeBob and Squidward's penny-pinching boss, Mr. Krabs was merrily singing sea shanties to himself while counting his money, until Eustace dropping the word 'refund' echoed into his head. "A REFUND?!" Mr. Krabs burst out of the door in the blink of an eye. "What's the problem here?"
"Your food and your service stinks!" Eustace shouted. "I demand a refund now!"
Mr. Krabs chuckled nervously. "Say, uhh...our refund policy is quite tight, a-and...what's wrong with our service?"
"Your stupid cashier was slow with taking our orders and he gave us an attitude!" Eustace explained. "I'm all about attitude, but I ain't gonna take that when I'm hungry."
"Uhhhh...how about a free glass of water?" Mr. Krabs offered. "Nah, I will stay here until I get my money back," Eustace said, ignoring the fact Muriel and Courage were still enjoying their meals.
A few fish were observing the commotion. "He kinda has a point. I mean, the food's good, but not the service," a fish told his friend. "Yeah, I agree. I don't like that squid's attitude," the friend responded. Squidward, who was taking a nap with his magazine covering his face, woke up from the commotion. More fish were agreeing that Squidward's customer service skills were...subpar. Comments like "He wouldn't give me extra salt", "He's ugly", "All he does is sleep and insult people", and "He yells all the time" flooded the restaurant. "Let's get out of here," a fish said. All the customers besides the Bagges walked out.
"NO! WAIT! WAIT!" Mr. Krabs cried. He rushed to the doors, but it was too late since the easily-swayed fish left to go spend their money elsewhere. Steam bellowed out of his nostrils. "MR. SQUIDWARD!!!!" He walked over to his cashier. "That customer in the hat drove out all me customers!"
"Tell me something I don't know."
"Do you think you could kick him out and get me customers back?"
Squidward thought twice about everything that just unfolded. This wasn't a time for him to sit back and say 'oh, the damage has already been done, Mr. Krabs, nothing I can do about it'. He looked straight into his boss. "He did one fatal mistake, Mr. Krabs: mess with my paycheck. You have my word I'll take care of him." Krabs retreated back into his office. Ya know, just in case. "Don't disappoint me, boyo!" After closing the door, he opened it again after a few seconds. "By the way, I'm not paying for yer health insurance. If you want to pay it off, you can start workin' overtime." Then he closed it again, this time with his sailor-like laugh.
Eustace approached the counter. "Hey, Big Nose McBald, now that your fatty boss is gone, why don't you gimme my money back? Your awful customer service tainted my food!"
It was one thing to get in Squidward's face once, but doing it again alongside the pressure, the insults, the disregard for his personal space, and all the previous customers agreeing with Eustace's insults towards Squidward was starting to push Squidward to a new level of anger. His face tensed up, and his veins pulsated on his forehead. In a fit of rage, he tore apart the cash register's boat in half.
"How about you say that again, bub?"
Courage and Muriel stopped eating. They were staring in shock at the sight of someone redirecting Eustace's anger to him, which hasn't happened in a while now. Squidward and Eustace stared directly at each other, shaking furiously. "Muriel? Courage? Make yourselves scarce. Now."
The fact Eustace didn't even think about calling Courage a stupid dog was enough to convince Courage this was serious business. Before Muriel could peacefully negotiate the situation, Courage grabbed her and dashed out of the restaurant. Both of the bald grouches continued staring at each other.
"I said your awful customer service tainted my food."
"Excuse me, Shovel Chin?!" Squidward dared to insult back. "Maybe you should get your head out of the clouds since you were the one who interrupted the only time of day where I can read!"
"With a nose like that, I'm surprised you still got oxygen in that dumb brain of yours!" Eustace got closer.
Deep in his mind, Squidward had one lingering thought.
I knew I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today.
"Oh no!" the French Narrator exclaimed. "Please don't tell me this episode is part of that barbaric Death Battle series! Can't you guys just get along?! You have to think about this. Childhoods will be ruined. Whoever's in charge of this script, please don't continue any further."
"SHUDDUP!" Eustace and Squidward yelled at him in unison.
Eustace was the first to attack. He shoved Squidward back, and Squidward did the same thing. Eustace shoved harder, which caused Squidward to fall face-flat through the kitchen's wall. SpongeBob gasped in fright. "What happened, Squidward?"
"I don't even know!" Squidward panted for air. "That psycho is trying to beat me up becau- WHOA!"
Squidward had no time to dodge Eustace barging into the kitchen and kicking him in the face, which squished his face in and sent him crashing into the sink, breaking it. A splash of hot water covered Squidward, and dishes smashed to pieces upon hitting his head, giving him a bump. His face popped back out, but now he had a black eye. "Grandma, is that you?" he asked, completely dazed as stars circled his head.
"Squidward, you must use a technique in karate to win this fight fair and square..." SpongeBob informed his grumpy neighbor. "...pants." He couldn't resist that pun. Squidward's eyes widened. "T-t-t-tech...t-t-technique???" he stuttered.
"Now you're getting it!" SpongeBob cheered on. He repeated the word 'technique' right when Eustace was slowly advancing towards Squidward with his palms curled into fists. "I'm gonna rate this restaurant zero stars after I teach you a lesson, punk!" Eustace threatened. Squidward hyperventilated in fear and scanned his environment, looking to make use of it. Then he found some onions.
"And I'm gonna teach you a lesson about shutting that big mouth of yours!" Squidward shouted. He kicked Eustace in the chin, which dropped his glasses to the ground. Squidward rapidly chopped the onions and launched them at Eustace's eyes. "What's huh-" Eustace confusingly said right before the onions landed on his eyes. "AAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!! MY EYES!!!!!" They started burning, and now Eustace's eyes looked like he just smoked some weed with how bloodshot they became!
Squidward laughed at the misfortune of his opponent. "My glasses! I can't see a thing without my stupid glasses!" Eustace said. Fortunately, he picked them back up and, while Squidward was distracted by continuing to laugh, Eustace found bottles of hot sauce. "I'll show ya a thing or two," he threatened. He tossed one bottle at Squidward's forehead hard enough to shatter the bottle, and he was covered in hot sauce. Needless to say, it didn't take long for Squidward to catch on fire, and he let out a piercing scream. "Now the tables have turned on ya, stupid squid! Hee hee hee hee hee!" Eustace snickered.
SpongeBob stopped repeating 'technique' once this happened. "Hang on, Squidward! I'll extinguish you!" He took out a bucket and splashed the cold liquid it was containing all over Squidward, which made the fire die out. "I never thought I'd say this, but thank-AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH'" Squidward's rare moment of gratitude was cut off when he was set ablaze again. That bucket didn't have any water, it was...GAS. "Whoops, sorry!" SpongeBob sheepishly apologized.
Eustace tossed the burning Squidward into the kitchen's fryers. "This oughta cool you down!" he taunted. SpongeBob started panicking and running in circles, worried about the fate of his friend. "What do I do?! Gottathinkofsomethinggottathinkofsomethinggottathinkofsomethi-" Upon getting an idea, he morphed into the shape of a lightbulb. "I got it! I'll call the most honest, bravest people around - the police!" He turned to a conveniently located payphone that was right next to him, inserted a quarter, and dialed 911. "Police, help! There's a lunatic customer attacking my friend!"
The operator on the other end of the line only said one thing in return. "Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and put you on hold. Do you think you could stay on the line for fifteen or twenty minutes?"
"Yeah, I'll hold."
Meanwhile, Squidward screamed bloody murder and launched himself out of the fryer, his rear end burnt to a crisp. He slammed face-first into the wall and fell on a table. A bunch of pots and pans dropped onto his head. "As much as I'd like to turn ya into a plate of calamari, I still want my refund," Eustace said, cracking his knuckles. Squidward spun his head around to recover from his dazed vision and tried to think of something fast. He hit the jackpot when he found a spatula on the ground. Aiming to slash Eustace's chest, Eustace blocked the attack with a discarded utensil of his own: a knife. They fenced across the kitchen and kept intense focus on each other. Sparks were coming out of their weapons in the process. It seemed like this sparring match would go on forever, and Eustace grunted in annoyance. "You're no match for me..."
"Sounds like you're just jealous of my impeccable swordsman skills," Squidward grinned. He laughed, not being able to contain his ego. The elderly farmer picked up Squidward, dangled him upside down, and tied his tentacles to the freezer's door. He started punching Squidward all around his face, using him as a punching bag. Squidward was screaming in agony, which only made Eustace confident in himself. "You gonna give up now, or do I have to-"
Suddenly, ink expelled from Squidward's tentacles (laugh now). Eustace yelped once he was covered in it. "Wh-what the heck is this?!" he asked, repulsed.
"Consider it a breath of fresh air, lunatic!" Squidward taunted, untying his legs from the door. While Eustace was blinded by his ink, Squidward used this as an advantage to finally score some hits in. "Now get a taste of some world-class karate from the master!" He reeled his fist back and punched Eustace in the jaw, which knocked out Eustace's dentures from his mouth. SpongeBob took notice of this in the background. "Go, Squidward!" he cheered.
Eustace was sent crashing through the roof of the restaurant and landed near his truck. He was left with purple bruises and a busted lip. Upon hearing the sound of four tentacles approaching him, Eustace looked up. "Are you ready to give up and submit to the one and only Squidward Q. Tentacles?"
Eustace maliciously grinned. "Oh, I got just one thing to say."
He turned back and started rummaging through his back pocket. Squidward raised an eyebrow, unaware of what his opponent had up his sleeve.
The old man took out a giant mask of a hideous green creature with a purple nose and put it on.
Squidward felt his (small) heart sinking right then and there. Glass was heard shattering, his eyeballs became bloodshot, his nose shrunk, and his mouth looked like he just ate an entire lemon.
Eustace stood up to terrorize Squidward further and began marching after him, who screamed without taking a second to rest his vocal cords. Ink shot from his nostrils out of fright, which got all over Eustace's mask. "Awww maaaaaaaan, that one was my favorite!" Eustace whined as he took it off.
"STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!!" Squidward pleaded, hopping on his red bicycle and frantically speeding away. Eustace laughed, but not without taking Squidward's hasty escape as a challenge. "Two can play that game..."
With that set in stone, Eustace went inside his truck, started its engine, and drove off, pursuing after the cephalopod. Squidward panted heavily as he cycled as fast as possible, trailing down a busy intersection in downtown Bikini Bottom. Eustace was in hot pursuit and sped past a red light, nearly crashing into a young Asian man.
"Watch where you goin', ya foo!" Di Lung shouted from his car. Ironically enough, his car was then hit by an ambulance from the back since he didn't bother moving out of the way in time, and he was sent flying out of his windshield, screaming.
Back to the fight, though. Eustace continued driving recklessly around the city, knocking over some billboards and buildings in the process. "MY LEG!" a certain fish cried from the distance. A fish in a suit and tie walked down the sidewalk, and Squidward pedaled past him at such a rapid pace that it left a trail of fire behind and burned down his outfit, revealing that the fish was actually wearing a small child's outfit and a lollipop. Eustace stops his car and was disturbed at the sight. "Uhhhh, I can explain," the fish awkwardly defused before Eustace drove away.
The chase extended into Jellyfish Fields. "STOOOOOOOOP!" Squidward begged, not showing any signs of being exhausted from pedaling his bike since that's how terrified he was. This only satisfied Eustace. "Prepare to be roadkill, you ugly-"
Suddenly, they rode past a horde of jellyfish, and it was safe to say the jellyfish weren't exactly the friendly type.
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Both of the bald grouches screamed at the top of their lungs as their entire bodies got zapped. The screen flashed with electricity, revealing their skeletons each second. They were dazed, smoke emanating from them, and this led to them losing controls of their vehicles. They smashed through the Jellyfish Fields sign until both of their vehicles hit a rock.
You can see where this is going, right?
Eustace and Squidward fell down a cliff, shouting in terror the whole way down as their vehicles slammed down onto the cliff's sharp, pointy rocks one-by-one. "I'm- OUCH! -still gonna beat some sense into ya, Tennisballs!" Eustace threatened while they fell.
This reignited Squidward's fury. "It's not Tennisballs...it's-"
The second they hit the ground, a nuclear explosion covered the screen.
KA-BOOM!
"TENTACLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!"
The octopus crashed through the roof of his Moai-shaped house, making a rough landing in his art gallery. He groaned and slowly got up. "If that crazy old geezer thinks I'm some pushover, wait 'till he faces the music," he told himself as he grabbed his clarinet that was resting near the window.
Outside, Eustace emerged from the charred remains of his truck. He let out a heartbroken gasp at the sight of it. A tear rolled down from his eye, and he kneeled down to sob. "I'm nothin' without my truck!!!" Eustace cried. "Come back to me, truck! COME BACK!!!" The grumpy Bagge continued crying until he slapped himself across the face. "Get a hold of yerself, Eustace," he motivated himself before standing up. "You're not the useless oath your family treated you as..."
He cracked his knuckles and started looking around the street. A rock, a Moai-shaped house, and a pineapple. "Where the heck did that squid run off to?!" Eustace marched up to the rock and lifted it up, but what he found was an overweight, pink starfish with green shorts that had purple flowers designed on them: Patrick Star.
"Hey, fatso! Do you live under here?" Eustace demanded.
"Under where?" Patrick asked.
Eustace facepalmed, but he tried to keep his cool so he could hopefully get some info about Squidward's whereabouts. "Have you seen an ugly, bald squid with a brown shirt 'round here?"
"Oh, are you talking about Squidward?" Patrick replied. "He lives in the blue house right next door. Be careful, though - he's really boring sometimes."
"That's all I needa hear..." Eustace dropped Patrick down to the ground. "And thanks for the rock!" he laughed. He spun around and tossed it right through the roof of Squidward's house, leaving smithereens where Squidward was standing. "Come out, come out wherever ya are!" Eustace yelled.
Squidward rose from the debris. "You know, my annoying neighbors come here to destroy my house several times a week, and I always yell at them for it, but I just wanna thank you for destroying the roof because now I will get a better viewing of the butt kicking you're about to receive," he monologued. "Enjoy your front row seat for a beating in E minor!"
Eustace looked closer to get a better view of the instrument Squidward was holding, and he couldn't help but laugh. "A flute? What are you? Stupi-"
Right before he could finish that sentence, Squidward took a deep breath and blew into his clarinet, producing a massive shockwave that sent Eustace flying several meters away. He clinged onto the chimney of SpongeBob's pineapple house for dear life. "AAAGGGHH! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DYIN' ANIMAL!"
Squidward stopped playing for a second, but not to make amends or pull off some other corny, anime 'power of friendship' thing. "Oh, and for your information...it's not a flute, it's a CLARINET!!!!!!" He resumed to playing the clarinet at a booming volume. The awful, screeching tunes ended up blowing away Eustace's hat, overalls, pants, skin, and his skeleton!
The pile of bones that was once Eustace fell down, only to then reassemble and result in Eustace regenerating. And boy, was he angrier.
"That's it! I'm gettin' me mallet!"
Eustace took out his trustworthy, ten-times-bigger-than-him mallet from his pockets. Powering through the soundwaves of Squidward's clarinet, Eustace slowly went towards the Easter Island Head house. "I got one good shot with this. Better make it count."
Unfortunately for him, Squidward gave it his all and blew into his clarinet until his cheeks turned steaming red. Eustace nearly stumbled back. He would've been sent flying away again if it wasn't for his heavy mallet, which dropped to the ground, with him still holding onto it. The clarinet playing only became louder and more obnoxious. Musical notes floated towards Eustace's direction. Eustace kicked them away and smacked the rest with his mallet. He leaped high into the air and swung his mallet down onto Squidward's skull with enough force to send them crashing into his living room. This left Eustace-and-Squidward-shaped imprints on the roof.
Eustace wasted no time and attacked the poor octopus while he was down, profusely bashing him with his mallet. The final blow was when he sent Squidward into the air by smacking him in the gut and knocking the wind out of him. Squidward screamed in terror as he went past the flower clouds, the ocean's surface, Earth's atmosphere, and near the moon.
"Whoa, I can see Buzz Aldrin's footsteps from-"
At that moment, he started choking due to the lack of oxygen in space, and he dropped back all the way down to his house.
Squidward was flattened like a pancake until he blew into his thumb and reshaped himself. It was perfect timing because the first thing he saw was Eustace jumping again and preparing to crush him with his mallet once more. Mr. Tentacles lunged out of harm's way and latched himself onto Eustace's back, pulling his hat over his eyes to blind him. "HEY! I can't see a darn thing!" Eustace yelled. Squidward unleashed a war cry and used this as an opportunity to assault Eustace with a flurry of punches. "Technique! I just gotta use a technique!" he reminded himself. Squidward spun around rapidly and delivered a roundhouse kick to Eustace's gut, sending him straight into the wall. He laughed...
...until he realized Eustace was slammed into the house's security system.
"Uh oh."
The entire house started shaking, and the ceiling was crumbling.
"THREAT DETECTED. CODE RED."
Eustace rubbed his head, dazed from Squidward's attack, and he noticed the security system behind him. "What the heck sort of fancy-schmancy technology is this?"
Squidward took cover underneath the sofa while the security system sounded off a loud alarm. "Oh, that's it! I'm gonna unplug whatever this thing is and send it back to the scrapheap it came from!" Eustace vowed. He tried to yank the cord off of it, until he saw a security camera above him, aiming directly at him. "What in the-?"
ZAP!
Eustace was zapped by a laser, and he yelled in agony as he was burnt to a crisp. The house shook some more, and it grew...mechanical limbs and came to life. Oh my god.
Before anyone knew it, the house grabbed Eustace out of it and crumpled him up like paper before kicking him far away. "Huh?" Squidward peeked out from underneath the couch, surprised he wasn't the butt of the joke for once. "Dear Neptune...it actually worked for once." He started laughing in content.
"I-I can't believe it! For once it's not all 'bam', 'wham', 'slam' for me! I can finally teach this jerk some respect!" Squidward dashed back upstairs to get a better view of the action. "Alright, house, do your thing!"
Squidward's house made a mighty leap into the sky, in the manner of something you'd see in a Japanese mecha anime. In fact, everything briefly became animated similarly to a theme song of a certain series.
Upbeat pop music was playing. Blueprints are shown of previous items from both of Eustace and Squidward's shows, such as a hydro-dynamic spatula and Eustace's truck. The title screen is then shown, reading "Cranky Concerts" with Japanese caricatures behind it. White flashes spark, and a faded Squidward is shown in the sky, as well as a small silhouette of him. Japanese text appeared right in front of him- wait a minute.
"GET THOSE WORDS OUT OF MY FACE!!!!" Squidward yelled while rubbing away the text.
Down the street, Eustace's head was buried deep into the sand. He squeezed his way out and grunted the whole way through, but once he set himself free, he was decapitated...until he instantly grew a new head. "Guh! Okay, where did that wise guy run off to now? I'm tired of playin' cat-and-mouse."
"Up here, you old hag!"
The elderly farmer looked above him and saw Squidward's house with mechanical limbs, staring down at him. He stumbled back in shock and took out his trusty mallet again. He bashed the house's mechanical foot, but all this did was make the ferocious beast angrier. Squidward's house unleashed a mighty roar and repeatedly stomped against Eustace without any remorse, flattening him. "Hahahaha! No wonder why this kind of shtick happens to me all the time!" Squidward laughed. "This is so much fun! I feel the adrenaline pumpin', baby!" It wasn't very often Squidward gained the upper hand like this. Being enrolled in an exclusive, once-in-a-lifetime lodge? Squidward was kicked out no thanks to his pesky neighbors. Trying to get away from SpongeBob? Speeding ticket and mandatory boating school. Trying to get his vacuum back from SpongeBob? Traumatizing experience. But now, Squidward could beat some sense into a jerk for once.
Eustace squeezed out and made a run for it. He screamed as the house chased after him, with each stomp becoming increasingly louder as it gained on him. It bulldozed a few buildings out of its way like dominoes, forcing Eustace to run even faster. "Gotta think of somethin'!" he panted heavily. "I gots to think of somethin'. Gots to think big- wait a minute, I do gots to think big!" He laughed in content as he took out his most explosive weapon yet: Big Bob.
Results[]
Next Time[]
Connections[]
- Both are grouchy, egotistical, bald slackers who go through a lot of punishment due to their bad luck and selfish acts, and they possess hatred for the main character (Courage and SpongeBob), going far enough to try grievously injuring them or leave them for the wolves on several different occasions, only for these schemes to backfire on them.
- They're extremely sarcastic, even towards threatening characters.
- Both grew up with mothers who aren't passionate of them, and they also grew up with being constantly upstaged by their identical, wealthy, more successful rival who is somehow a lot more egotistical than they already are (Horst Bagge and Squilliam Fancyson).
- They're also terrible at playing certain instruments (bugle for Eustace and clarinet for Squidward).
- Both would rather sit around and read instead of putting in work at their jobs.
- Despite these negative traits, however, there have been instances where they've shown care for those around them (Eustace loves Muriel very much and has occasionally teamed up with Courage to rescue her, and Squidward has been nice to SpongeBob and Patrick a few times, even being miserable without their antics in certain episodes like SB-129 and Squidville), and their hatred for the protagonist mostly comes out of envy that stems from the aforementioned protagonists receiving more love and attention than they have ever received.
Core Theme: Short-tempered, lazy, depressed anti-heroes who are cursed with bad luck that led to them having tragic childhoods, being the punching bags in their worlds, and living with/near the protagonist they constantly get annoyed by. Despite that, however, they have shown a lot of care towards the ones they love at times, and they constantly wish for their talents to be recognized.
Cover Art (by u/JeremySchmidtAfton)[]
The track for this fight is called "Cranky Concerts", serving as a cynical parody of the Merry Melodies franchise, which is the companion series for Warner Bros' Looney Tunes. It also references both Eustace and Squidward's grumpy attitudes and aspiring music talents (Eustace's last-episode-revealed talent was playing the bugle, and of course, Squidward loves to play the clarinet).
The cover art depicts a hybrid of Squidward's Easter Island head house donning Eustace's cowly glasses, all armored up with Eustace's Big Bob laser gun while a nuclear explosion goes off in the background. This is intended to capture both combatants' sour, explosively tempered exteriors hiding some very defensive interiors. It is also a reference to Squidward's burglar alarm that comically backfired on him by growing mechanical limbs and attacking the city in the Season 4 episode, "Good Neighbors". And last but not least, the explosion in the background is a reference to their explosive tempers, as well as the old gag of Squidward randomly exploding after falling off his bicycle.
Very special thanks to u/JeremySchmidtAfton from Reddit for crafting this. I was in for a big surprise because I never even knew about it until hours after it was initially uploaded, and to this day I still have a lot of gratitude for him and his handiwork. I've already thanked him before but I don't think I could possibly thank him enough.
Trivia[]
- The battle would be animated in hand-drawn animation.