Eustace Bagge vs Squidward Tentacles

• GoCommitDi
• Web Surfer Jon

1/2

“	Manners and hard work? Doesn't exist for these two grouches!	„
	~ Tagline

Eustace Bagge vs Squidward Tentacles is a What-If? Death Battle episode by GoCommitDi, featuring Eustace Bagge from Courage the Cowardly Dog and Squidward Tentacles from SpongeBob SquarePants in a battle between depressed, unappreciated grouches who are known for having very short tempers, slacking off all day, and berating others.

Description

“	Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.	„
	~ Lucius Seneca

Courage the Cowardly Dog vs SpongeBob SquarePants! Anger is one of our many natural emotions, and it's not a bad thing to express your frustrations here and there, but these two brash, unlucky grouches must be fueled by a volcano, because they definitely take their rage way up the roof. It's not like they can do anything about it either, since they live in proximity to the hero they get constantly annoyed by and are stuck in crapsack towns that are downright torturous to live in.

In a wacky, toony battle to the death where you might need to put on earplugs so you won't be deafened by the shouting matches between the two following combatants, which selfish slacker will rise up (from their lounging chairs) and prove to be the most ferocious of them all: Eustace Bagge, the depressed, lonely farm owner of Nowhere and husband of Muriel, or Squidward Tentacles, the depressed, aspiring musician of Bikini Bottom and next-door neighbor of SpongeBob and Patrick?

Intro

Anger, of course, is a natural emotion, but it's important to keep it in control since you don't want it to consume you and and make you take irrational, risky decisions. These bald ticking bombs from rivaling networks have anger and jealousy that is not like anything you've seen before. They aspire to be praised one way or another due to having a miserable childhood where they didn't exactly receive TLC from the people around them, and it doesn't help that they had a wealthier rival who'd one-up them in everything imaginable. But it seems like all the world can ever do for them is make their karma catch up to them and injure them in the worst ways imaginable. Seriously.

Eustace Bagge, the grumpy husband of Muriel who is haunted by his unrecognized talents, unhappy lifestyle, and the feeling of being overshadowed by his own dog, Courage.

Squidward Tentacles, the grumpy octopus of Bikini Bottom who is haunted by his unrecognized talents, unhappy lifestyle, and his two annoying neighbors.

My name is GoCommitDi, and I welcome you to my mancave as I analyze these characters' weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win...a Death Battle.

Connections

• Both are narcissistic, short-tempered, cynical, bald tritagonists of iconic cartoons that debuted in 1999 on rivaling networks (Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon) who go through a lot of punishment due to their bad luck and selfish acts, and they possess hatred for the protagonist that they live with/next to (Courage and SpongeBob), going far enough to try grievously injuring them or psychologically mess around with them on several different occasions, only for these schemes to backfire on them.
• Both are incredibly lazy and would rather sit around and read magazines or newspapers instead of putting in work at their jobs (doing farm work and chores for Eustace, and working at The Krusty Krab for Squidward).
• Both are terrible at playing certain instruments (bugle for Eustace and clarinet for Squidward).
• Both are extremely sarcastic, and even when they come across a huge threat, they tend to either insult them or pay no attention to the situation, which usually leads to them getting screwed over.
• Both have comically high amounts of pain tolerance, as no matter how badly they get injured by either other characters or the world itself, they tend to just let out a mildly frustrated one-liner as a result.
• Both grew up with being constantly upstaged by their identical, wealthy, more successful rival who is far more egotistical than them (Horst Bagge and Squilliam Fancyson).
• Despite these negative traits, however, there have been instances where they've shown care for those around them (Eustace loves Muriel and his mother very much, has occasionally teamed up with Courage to rescue Muriel, and ultimately redeemed himself in the series finale by accepting Courage for who he is, while Squidward secretly cares for SpongeBob enough to occasionally team up with him as well, be capable of standing up for him, and realize his life is boring without him), and their hatred for the protagonist mostly comes out of envy that stems from the aforementioned protagonists receiving more love and attention than they have ever received.

Contrasts

• Eustace is a greedy old man who will do anything to get more money, while Squidward's boss is a greedy old man who will do anything to get more money (Mr. Krabs).
• Although both live in remote places, Eustace lives in an old farmhouse, while Squidward lives in a luxurious two-story house.
• Many of Eustace's schemes involve trying to make himself rich/famous or scaring Courage for fun, whereas many of Squidward's schemes are his way of getting SpongeBob and Patrick to leave him alone.
  • With that being said, Squidward does have moments of trying to make himself famous or scaring the duo for fun as well.
• Eustace's mother was very abusive towards him, while Squidward's parents loved him.

Core Theme: Short-tempered, lazy, depressed anti-heroes who are cursed with bad luck that led to them having tragic childhoods, being the punching bags in their worlds, and living with/near the protagonist they constantly get annoyed by. Despite that, however, they have shown a lot of care towards the ones they love at times, and they constantly wish for their talents to be recognized.

Cover Art (by u/JeremySchmidtAfton)

The track for this fight is called "Cranky Concerts", serving as a cynical parody of the Merry Melodies franchise, which is the companion series for Warner Bros' Looney Tunes. It also references both Eustace and Squidward's grumpy attitudes and aspiring music talents (Eustace's last-episode-revealed talent was playing the bugle, and of course, Squidward loves to play the clarinet).

The cover art depicts a hybrid of Squidward's Easter Island head house donning Eustace's cowly glasses, all armored up with Eustace's Big Bob laser gun while a nuclear explosion goes off in the background. This is intended to capture both combatants' sour, explosively tempered exteriors hiding some very defensive interiors. It is also a reference to Squidward's burglar alarm that comically backfired on him by growing mechanical limbs and attacking the city in the Season 4 episode, "Good Neighbors". And last but not least, the explosion in the background is a reference to their explosive tempers, as well as the old gag of Squidward randomly exploding after falling off his bicycle.

Very special thanks to u/JeremySchmidtAfton from Reddit for crafting this. I was in for a big surprise because I never even knew about it until hours after it was initially uploaded, and to this day I still have a lot of gratitude for him and his handiwork. I've already thanked him before but I don't think I could possibly thank him enough.

Trivia

• The battle would be animated in hand-drawn animation.