Esdeath vs. Carnage is a what-if battle by Joshua_foote14.
Interlude[]
Wizard: Since we happen to be psychos, we've decided to make two psychos fight each to the death.
Boomstick: First up is General Esdeath, who is a vile woman through and through. I love her!
Too bad she's already in love with someone else.
Wizard: She's going to be fighting against Carnage, who makes Venom look like an angel.
Boomstick: Amazing, isn't it?
Wizard: Let's analyze their abilities...I'm sure that the audience would want to hear about these characters and how horrible they are.
Esdeath[]
Wizard: General Esdeath is not a nice lady.
Boomstick: That's an understatement!
Wizard: I'm afraid so. She's responsible for millions of deaths.
Boomstick: And she loved every minute of it!
Wizard: Having said that, she does have a soft spot for Tatsumi. She decided that if she can't have it, she'll kill him herself and not let anyone else have him.
Boomstick: She's actually shown compassion for her subordinates as well.
Wizard: I guess she isn't quite as evil as you thought.
Boomstick: Whatever! I still love her!
Wizard: Moving on as to what a horrible if surprisingly compassionate person she is. Esdeath is strong. Very strong.
Boomstick: Even as a child, she was a skilled and formidable fighter! I bet she slit the throats of her own parents as a baby.
Wizard: Her father inspired her to be a social darwinist, actually.
Boomstick: So...she didn't slit the throats of her parents?
Wizard: Nope. She actually didn't have anything to do with the destruction of her tribe.
Boomstick: Awww...that would have been an awesome episode!
Wizard: She's considered to be the strongest soldier in her army...she's not a general simply because of her tactics, though her tactics are admittedly impressive. You could say that she's a genius.
Boomstick: Esdeath possesses a powerful Imperium arm known as the Demon Manifestation-Demon's Extract. She can manipulate ice and create ice from absolutely nothing! Isn't she cool?
Wizard: *facepalms*
Boomstick: Typically she uses it to create icicles...or freeze people to death. Now that's just plain cold!
Wizard: *banging his head against the wall*
Boomstick: She once froze an entire lake within moments! She can even freeze time, however briefly. I think it's time for me to chill out!
Wizard: You're driving me insane!
Boomstick: What are you talking about? You're already insane!
Wizard: You're driving me more insane!
Boomstick: Alright, I'll stop...though I can't stop time like Esdeath can. Aside from wielding ice, she also wields a rapier. Even without the rapier she has great physical strength. She once sent Tatsumi crashing through a wall! She also did the same to Suzuka.
Wizard: She also possesses a sixth sense that allows her to detect foes from great distances. She's also pretty intelligent...I think I should try some of her torture methods.
Boomstick: They better not be on me!
Wizard: Let's talk about Carnage now...and please, no more puns!
Boomstick: Hee hee!
Carnage[]
Wizard: Carnage is not a nice man.
Boomstick: You're understating again!
Wizard: Well, you can say that he's not a man anymore...he's become a monster. But he DID use to be a human being.
Boomstick: What happened?
Wizard: Well, first let me start from the beginning. Before he became known as Carnage, he was known as Cletus Kasady. Even as a child Cletus Kasady was quite the sociopath. He killed his own grandmother, pushed a girl who rejected him in front of a bus, killed the headmaster of an orphanage, and murdered his mother's dog.
Boomstick: That poor puppy! *blows tissue*
Wizard: He murdered his granny and you're more concerned about his dog?
Boomstick: I have horrible priorities!
Wizard: I see.
Boomstick: Wait, you mentioned something about him being in an orphanage. Did he kill his own parents? If so, I think he's as crazy as the Joker!
Wizard: Sort of. Eventually, his mother decided that she should have never given birth to Cletus and she attempted to kill him. However, his father showed up and decided to kill his wife to save his son.
Boomstick: He saved his life! I bet Cletus is eternally grateful!
Wizard: Oh no, he isn't. He repaid the favor by committing perjury during his murder trial, which got his father sent straight to the electric chair.
Boomstick: Bzzt!
Wizard: Unfortunately for Cletus, reality caught up for him. He got arrested for being a serial killer and was given eleven life sentences.
Boomstick: Crime doesn't pay...except for us, because we rock!
Wizard: There, he met Eddie Brock, who we know today as Venom. Naturally, Eddie Brock's symbiote came to rescue him after Cletus Kasady decided to shiv Eddie through the skull.
Boomstick: But for some strange reason, the symbiote got pregnant and left behind some offspring!
Wizard: That offspring bonded with Cletus Kasady and became Carnage. Unlike Venom, who are basically two beings sharing the same body, Cletus remained in complete control after bonding with the symbiote.
Boomstick: And unlike Venom, the symbiote also bonded directly with his bloodstream! He got the good end of the stick there!
Wizard: Now onto his abilities. Unfortunately for Spiderman and Venom, Carnage is stronger than both of them combined. It would be foolish for Spider-Man to try to take him on alone. That's why he and Venom teamed up.
Boomstick: Carnage can use his own blood as a weapon...see why they call him Carnage?
Wizard: He most certainly can. In his case, he can create his own blood webs, though unlike Spiderman's webs, they're like guided missiles.
Boomstick: He can also use it to create a variety of different weapons, though they disappear not long after they leave his body!
Wizard: He can also stretch himself massively, and has superhuman endurance, speed, and strength.
Boomstick: However, since Kasady is insane, his insanity can be exploited by his foes.
Wizard: He's also vulnerable to heat and sound.
Boomstick: Enough talk! Let's make them fight to the death already!
Fight[]
In the ruins of his former orphanage, Carnage was searching through a scrapbook. Today was the day that he was going to kill the entire cast of Akame Ga Kill.
It was going to be a bloodbath! Maybe after that he could go kill other characters that were on Toonami.
Carnage decided to look through the pictures to see who he should kill first. There were a lot of characters that he could kill. He flipped through the scrapbook to see who he should circle.
"Let's see now...Akame, nah...I think that would be too easy. She stays in the kitchen! Leone...nah, she's more of an animal than a human. I already killed my mother's dog. Mine...I could make her live up to her name and take a walk in the minefield...but I think I'll go with something more simple for now.
Suddenly, he noticed Tatsumi's picture.
"Wait, isn't HE the main protagonist? This is perfect! The Night Raid will crumble without him!" exclaimed Carnage.
He circled Tatsumi's picture.
"Tatsumi, here I come! Prepare to meet your maker!" shouted Carnage.
Immediately, he left the ruined orphanage so that he could go murder Tatsumi.
Currently, he was relaxing on a city bench.
"You know, this is unusually cheerful. Knowing my anime I was expecting more carnage..." noted Tatsumi.
"Did someone mention my name?" asked Carnage.
Tatsumi screamed in horror. What in the Empire was that?
"Die, Tatsumi!" exclaimed the psychotic killer.
Little did Carnage know at that very moment, someone was watching him. Someone who was psychotic like he was.
As it turned out, it was General Esdeath. She had been spying on Tatsumi while he was sleeping...and when he was undressing...and when he was in the bathtub.
She did not approve of what Carnage was doing. At all.
She immediately stepped in.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asked Esdeath.
"I'm going to kill him! And then I'm going to take a nice relaxing bath in his blood!" shouted Carnage.
"You are so dead." answered the general.
FIGHT!
General Esdeath fired several icicles at Carnage, hoping that one of them would hit his head and enter his brain.
However, Carnage proved himself to be quick on his feet.
"Dang, you are one sexy lady! Maybe I'll help myself to your corpse once I've finished killing you!" exclaimed Carnage.
"Over my dead body!" shouted Esdeath.
"That's the idea!" bellowed the psychotic serial killer.
Carnage launched several projectiles at Esdeath, but she used her ice armor as a shield.
Carnage launched blood webbing at Esdeath, but she pulled out her rapier and cut directly through it.
"Dang, you're tough!" exclaimed Carnage.
"Of course I'm tough. I'm a general." answered Esdeath.
"Maybe I should annihilate your entire army. THEN we'll see whose big and tough." stated Cletus Kasady.
"I'm going to enjoy dissecting you after I'm finished killing you." remarked the general.
Cletus Kasady extended his arm and used it to attack General Esdeath, but she cut it off.
"Looks like you've been disarmed!" bellowed General Esdeath.
"That's my girl! You're making puns just like me!" exclaimed Boomstick.
"It's alright, I can regenerate." answered Carnage as he began to regenerate his arm.
"Do I know you?" asked the general.
"Of course you do! This isn't the first time you've been in a Death Battle!" shouted the man.
"Oh yeah...I heard that you're bloodthirsty like me!" exclaimed General Esdeath.
"Why don't we go on a date?" asked Boomstick.
"Sorry, I only date Tatsumi, not rednecks." answered the general.
Boomstick aimed a gun at his face.
(Don't worry, Boomstick's not going to die, though someone in this Death Battle is.)
"Will you just die already? After I'm done with you I'm planning to kill everyone in this anime!" shouted Carnage.
"I was thinking you of all people would enjoy this anime..." questioned General Esdeath.
"I enjoy killing the characters!" exclaimed the madman.
General Esdeath rolled her eyes.
"Sheesh...this guy's a total psycho-wait a minute..." stated the general.
Suddenly, the general had a wonderful idea.
"You know what. We shouldn't be fighting. Think of all the people that you can kill if you join the Empire! You'll get to both kill AND torture people!" shouted the general.
Carnage's mouth began to water.
"What do you say? I'll make you my number two!" exclaimed General Esdeath.
Carnage happily accepted General Esdeath's hand. He simply couldn't resist the desire of killing innocent people.
This was his last mistake.
As Carnage shook General Esdeath's hand, he suddenly began to freeze over.
"What are you-"
"Did you REALLY think that I would let you join the empire after I found out what you were planning to do to Tatsumi?" questioned General Esdeath.
Carnage sweatdropped. That actually didn't make a lot of sense now that she thought of it.
Eventually, Carnage was completely frozen.
General Esdeath then shattered Carnage with a well-placed kick.
"Are you hurt, Tatsumi?" questioned General Esdeath.
"I'm fine. Thanks for...saving me." answered Tatsumi.
Suddenly, General Esdeath noticed that people seemed to be cheering her on.
"Huh?" asked the general.
As it turned out, General Esdeath now had many posters portraying her likeness all around the city.
General Esdeath wondered what was going on.
Currently, they were having a parade in her honor.
"Something's not right here..." stated the general.
She decided to take a look at the statue of herself that they had set up.
"This is the likeness of Esdeath, whose our greatest hero..." said the engraving on the statue.
Esdeath's eyes widened in shock.
"Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!" exclaimed General Esdeath, her hands on her cheeks.
Results[]
While Esdeath passed out unconscious on the floor, Carnage was being tortured in Hell.
"You think sending your dad to the electric chair is fun, huh? Let's see how you like it. And unlike your father, you're not going to get a sponge!" exclaimed one of the demons.
"You totally ripped this off from the Green Mile." retorted Cletus Kasady, who had been separated from his symbiote.
Another demon pulled the switch.
"GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" exclaimed Cletus.
Boomstick: I am so happy that Esdeath won...but she'll never ask me out on a date.
Wizard: Sorry about that, Boomstick. Unfortunately for Carnage, Esdeath clearly had the intelligence factor weighted in, since she's capable of leading an entire army and knows how to fight wars efficiently. And unlike Carnage, she can actually move faster than the eye could see.
Boomstick: And unfortunately for Carnage, he often thinks about nothing more than killing people. This allows General Esdeath to manipulate him!
Wizard: And unfortunately for Carnage, Esdeath's feats are simply more impressive. She once created an ice storm that froze over the entire country...though admittedly Carnage did make a name for himself BEFORE he was bonded with his symbiote.
Boomstick: And unlike Carnage, she could actually freeze time for a brief period! While time was frozen, Carnage would be helpless!
Wizard: She could also create a massive army that consists of tens of thousands of ice golems. Even Carnage would have trouble getting past that.
Boomstick: Though Carnage does indeed possess Spiderman's spider sense, Esdeath essentially has a spider sense of her very own!
Wizard: Though indeed Carnage is strong, so is Esdeath...she can create a gigantic chunk of ice and fling it at her enemies. Esdeath DID once tire when she froze a river, but that was early on in her series. She's gotten stronger since then.
Boomstick: I guess General Esdeath is loving the carnage!
Wizard: That was actually rather funny. The winner is General Esdeath.
