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Description[]

Titan topplers. Colossus killers. Giant slayers. But each of them is what they hate the most. Which prodigious, protective protagonist will prevail?

Prelude[]

Wizard: Stories and legends of giant monsters and beings have existed since the dawn of time, and have been around since before recorded history.

Boomstick: Mainly because their so frickin' cool. But for every story about giants, there must be one about giant slayers. And these two heroes have the balls to take on some of the most massive monsters known to man.

Wizard: Wander, the vessel of Dormin,

Boomstick: And Eren Jaeger, the Scout Regiment's Suicidal Bastard. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wizard: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!

Eren Jaeger[]

Wizard: On an alternate Earth in the 850s, humanity is not the dominant species. Actually, human kind is tipping on the edge of total extinction. The reason being the true master species: the Titans. Titans are massive, man-eating killers who thrive on the destruction of humans.

Boomstick: Seeing as how they basically kill any human they see, humans had to build a small series of cities and towns protected by a series of walls. But no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't seem to keep those pesky titans away.

Wizard: Inside these walls lived an unassuming teenage boy named Eren Jaeger.

Boomstick: Eren was born in the Shiganshina District in 830. When he was only nine years old, he saved his friend Mikasa Akerman from human traffickers by straight up murdering them with a knife and a homemade spear! Damn, if that didn't alert to everyone that Eren would be a bloodthirsty badass in the future, I don't know what would've!

Wizard: Eren lived with his parents and Mikasa for years, but dreamed of one day joining with the military's Scout Regiment and seeing the world beyond the walls. However, everything changed in 845, when the outer wall was breached.

Boomstick: Titans poured in and just killed everything. Eren, caught in the commotion, lost his father and watched as his mother was eaten alive right in front of him. He was saved, but swore to join the regiment and take his vengeance out on all titans. And when he says all, he means it.

Wizard: Eren, Mikasa, and their friend Armin Arlert, trained for four grueling years and eventually joined the Scout Regiment, joining with a group of other soldiers bent on defeating the titans. However, on his first mission to fight in the newly breached Trost District...

Boomstick: He got his f*cking arm and leg bitten off, then was swallowed whole by a titan! I mean, what in the actual hell?!

Wizard: Calm down, Boomstick. While alive inside the titan's stomach, Eren discovered his most invaluable hidden power: the ability to turn into a titan himself.

Boomstick: Yes! More carnage! More murder! Let the badassery continue!

Wizard: Eren discovered that, through the shedding of his own blood, he could transform his mind and body into that of a titan. He used this titanic form to help seal the hole in the wall and save Trost District, though he was justifiably feared and untrusted by his fellow humans.

Boomstick: Eh, what's a little distrust when you get to join the team of Captain Levi Ackerman and go on missions to kill titans and reclaim land?

Wizard: When in his human form, Eren uses his set of omni-directional mobility gear, which is a set of grapples that allow him to quickly and efficiently traverse air and ground alike, provided he has enough gas. As weapons, he has a pair of long swords that provide powerful slashes and strikes. And if the blade ever breaks, he can attach a new on from a small storage of them in his gear.

Boomstick: When in his cooler titan form, Eren becomes insanely strong, able to lift a boulder large enough to block a crack in the wall large enough for titans to get through.

Wizard: Scaling the size of the boulder to Eren's height in titan form, we can assume that he lifted approximately 270 cubic meters of stone. Using the wight of granite (which the boulder is most likely composed of) as a minimum base, we can assume that Eren lifted approximately 725,748 kilograms! That's almost 800 tons!

Boomstick: He's unstoppable!

Wizard: Mmm... not quite. As strong as his titan form may be, it's actually pretty fragile, making him somewhat of a glass cannon. Like other titans, Eren's weak point is the nape of his neck, where his human body is housed. A slice there could revert him back to his human form, and a deep enough stab or cut could pierce his body and kill both of them at once. And, unlike other titans, Eren cannot regenerate lost body parts, and enough damage can kill his titan form and revert him back to his human self, completely exposed. That's not even bringing into account that, when he transforms, Eren completely loses himself in his titan mind, becoming completely feral and insane, even attacking friends. This means he loses almost all of his human intelligence and creativity for brute force alone.

Boomstick: And his human form has flaws too. He's still new and not fully adept on the battlefield. I mean, he was eaten on his first mission! Despite his skill, he's still a normal human and can be killed by anything that would kill anyone else. He's also not the most skilled fighter in the military, and he's not one for strategy or planning, preferring to focus on his rage and rush into battle. That and he tends to only use his titan form as a last resort. But still, if you can turn into a titan, who cares about planning?

Eren: I'll kill them all! I'll wipe every one of them... off the face of this earth!

Wander[]

Wizard: Once, long ago, there lived a terrible evil called Dormin. Dormin terrorized the world, until a special band of priests split its form into 16 pieces and sealed them each away in massive and homicidal colossi.

Boomstick: Yeah, take the killer evil monster and put it into more monsters! Good plan.

Wizard: The priests then sealed its soul away in a giant shrine and cut off the lands from ever being visited again. That is, until Wander showed up.

Boomstick: Wander was a boy who presumably lived a far-off settlement. Then one day, his lover, Mono, was unwillingly sacrificed because prophecy said she would have a cursed fate. Bummer. It's like, oh, you're gonna grow up to be a bad guy? Let's not try to sway your motives or change your mind or anything; nope! Let's just f*cking kill you!

Wizard: Unable to stand for her unfair and unwarranted death, Wander took Mono's body and stole the Ancient Sword, a way to get into the Forbidden Lands. On his horse Agro, he set off to find the being who lived there and have it resurrect Mono.

Boomstick: Wander found the Forbidden Lands and, when he got there, struck a deal with the disembodied spirit of Dormin that he would bring Mono back to life... for a cost.

Wizard: Dormin tasked Wander with killing the sixteen colossi in the lands, and when all were slain, Mono would return to life. Not knowing he was being used, Wander agreed and set off to kill 16 unique and powerful giants.

Boomstick: And he has just the arsenal to do it! Wander's weapon of choice is the Ancient Sword itself, a lightweight blade with tremendous striking power. A few stabs from this thing will kill just about anything. The blade can also collect light from the area and redirect it as a beam, showing the exact location of the enemy he is looking for.

Wizard: And while in combat, he can use the light beam to point to the exact location of a weak point on the enemy's body, giving him knowledge of where to strike for maximum damage. He also carries a bow and quiver of special arrows, ranging from normal arrows to whistling distraction arrows and gunpowder-filled, exploding flash arrows.

Boomstick: He also carries the Harpoon of Thunder, a deadly and accurate electric spear that can deal serious damage to a target. On top of all his weapons, he also has an assortment of cloaks and masks to aid him while fighting.

Wizard: The Cloak of Force and the Mask of Power increase the damage he deals, so wearing them both at the same time means he can topple a colossus in only a few hits. The Shaman's Mask reduces the amount of damage he takes, and the Cloth of Desperation serves as a nifty parachute cape when he falls from a high place.

Boomstick: Those might be cool, but my favorites are the Cloak of Deception and the Queen's Sword. The Cloak of Deception turns Wander completely invisible. It's the Invisibility Cloak from Harry Potter, basically. And the Queen's Sword is a massive alternative to the Ancient Sword. While Wander has to trade it out, hitting anything with it will just... just kill it so hard! If he were wearing the Cloak of Force and the Mask of Power while wielding this baby, he'd probably be able to kill God.

Wizard: He's also strong and agile, able to cling to colossi and climb them for an extended period of time without tiring, and able to leap long distances from a climbing hold. He's also fast, manly because of his lightweight weaponry and leather and cloth armor. And, if he needs more speed, he can call his horse Agro to give him a lift, though Agro can be attacked and throw him off if wounded.

Boomstick: He can fall over a hundred feet and get back up, can tank energy blasts and poison, and is tough enough to stand back up after being pummeled by the colossus Valus' giant stone club and colossus Gaius' building-size stone sword! All without any special equipment, like masks or cloaks! I mean, yeah, they hurt him, but he still gets back up?! That is one tough bastard.

Wizard: Mainly because, if he can get away from the fight and take a quick breather, he can rapidly heal and regain his strength. Somehow.

Boomstick: But even this badass has his limits. Enough repeated damage without the chance to break and heal will kill him, and he can die instantly from long falls and crushing weight. Not to mention, when he goes down because of a hit, he takes a bit to get back up. When he gets hurt, it really hurts.

Wizard: He's also not the brightest, and was easily tricked by Dormin. After slaying all 16 colossi, Dormin possessed Wander's body and made it its new anchored vessel. He also prefers to take his opponents out quickly as opposed to strategically. But he still managed to defeat all sixteen colossi, and was rewarded by... turning into Dormin and then having some priest throw him down a well and turn him into a baby.

Boomstick: What the hell?

Wizard: Yeah... but Mono came back to life!

Boomstick: Yay!

Interlude[]

Wizard: All right, the combatants are set. It's time to end this debate once and for all.

Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!

Death Battle[]

The scene opens with the vast landscape of the Forbidden Lands. The Shrine of Worship is seen nearby. The ground shakes slightly, and the thundering feet of a horse pass by. Eren is riding atop the horse, headed for the Shrine.

On the other side of the Shrine, Wander comes riding in on Agro. He is also headed towards the Shrine. Neither man sees the other.

Both reach the Shrine at about the same time, arriving on different sides. They each dismount their steeds and walk slowly around to the back of the Shrine, where a prayer shrine rests. They turn the corner at the same time and arrive facing one another, startling them both. Eren pulls out his blades from the gear below his cloak, and Wander quickly draws his bow and an arrow.

Eren: What the hell are you doing here?

Wander (in his language): I do not understand you.

Eren: What?

Wander: I don't know who you are, but you're keeping me from my mission. Stand aside or I will have to kill you.

Eren, though still not understanding his language, detects the hostility in his voice.

Eren: Don't you strike that kind of tone with me, you long-haired freak! I could chop you up into mincemeat!

Wander, like Eren, cannot understand what his opponent is saying. But again, he senses the hostility and decides to give Eren a universally understood warning. He releases his bow and lets the arrow plant itself in the dirt right between Eren's feet and barely missing his crotch.

Wander: That was a warning. Get back on your horse and leave this place, or I will not hesitate to remove your head.

Eren stares with angered shock at Wander's arrow, understanding the warning it carried, but choosing to ignore it. He brandishes his blades.

Eren: So, you like to play rough, do you? Time to die, you blubbering bastard!

FIGHT!

Eren jumps forward, yelling a mighty war cry. Wander crouches and dodge rolls away, and Eren lands where he once stood, planting the tips of his blades into the grassy dirt. Wander pulls the Ancient Sword from its sheath as Eren rushes forward, swinging his blades. Wander and Eren's swords clash, and the two men hold them together, pressuring the other. Wander breaks the hold and rolls away. Eren, angered, throws his cloak off and reveals his omni-directional mobility gear. He launches tow grappling hooks, each barely missing Wander and planting themselves firmly into the wall of the shrine. Wander looks as Eren propels forward and kicks him right in the jaw. Wander falls flat as Eren reaches the wall, stopping just before hitting it and retracting the hooks. Wander stands back up as Eren prepares for another rush. Wander raises the Ancient Sword and reflects the sunlight, beaming it into Eren's eyes. Eren grunts as he raises an arm to block the light, and Wander takes the advantage and trips him as he runs. Eren falls to the ground with a thud and rolls a bit. He growls with anger as he pushes himself back up, and notes that Wander is not there. He hears a grunt and looks up to see Wander climbing the ivy on the shrine, then jumping to a nearby ledge and crouching down.

Eren: Get back here, you coward!

Eren shoots his hooks up near where Wander is and propels quickly up. Wander jumps to another ledge as Eren arrives and slashes the stone with his swords, cutting deep grooves into them. As Wander jumps around the Shrine, Eren zips quickly around, slicing the area around him. Wander makes a large jump towards a small alcove, and Eren shoots forward and slashes him with his swords as he goes past. Wander yelps and winces in pain as he misses the alcove and falls. He grips onto the ivy and catches himself, and Eren charges forward. Wander drops as soon as Eren reaches him, causing his blades to become tangled in the ivy.

Wander drops to the ground, grunting as he hits. He winces in pain, then slowly gets back up, legs shaking slightly. He then pulls out the Shaman Mask and the Cloak of Desperation and puts them on.

Eren struggles to free his blades, but cannot. He releases the blades, equipping new ones from the racks in his gear. He drops to a small ledge, and Wander climbs up onto one adjacent to him. Eren yells as he grapples and launches himself at Wander, who is equipped with the Ancient Sword. Eren's blades and the Ancient Sword clash again, and the two men push each other off the ledge. Eren grapples onto the wall and plants one of his blades in the wall to slow his fall, and Wander activates his cloak and drifts gently down. Wander lands softly, and Eren lands with a thud, tough relatively unhurt. He replaces the worn blade again, and the two charge at each other, swinging their respective blades in a barrage of metal that clanks and ricochets, even creating sparks with some blows. Eren gains the upper hand and pressures Wander, forcing him back. Wander rolls away, equipping his bow and arrows. He fires a continuous stream of projectiles, and Eren jumps and dodges most of them. A few fly past him, cutting his face, chest, and leg. Wander then equips a flash arrow and fires it at the ground below Eren, creating a bright flash and an explosion that blasts Eren back and onto the ground. Eren strains as he gets back up, then growls with anger.

Eren: All right, jackass! Now you've made me MAD!

Eren reaches up and promptly bites his thumb. Wander jumps away as Eren disappears in a flash of light and hot steam. A massive blast breaches the Shrine, and when the steam clears, Eren stands, in his titan form, in the hole in the Shrine. He breaks the wall around him and forces his way in, roaring loudly.

Wander is hidden behind the statue of Valus, couched down and regenerating health. He pulls out the Cloak of Invisibility and Whistling Arrows. Eren pounds the ground, searching for Wander. He breaks the arches and walls, roaring loudly. He then hears a whistling sound from Malus' statue. He roars and rushes over, then attempts to crush the statue. However, he cannot. He instead breaks the walls around it, bursting through and looking behind the statue, though seeing nothing. Wander, now invisible, creeps up behind Eren and lifts his sword. The sunlight gathers and points right at the nape of Eren's neck. However, Eren spots the glimmer of light and smashes the area with his fist. Wander is partially crushed, but thrown with debris a few yards away. He lays there, still invisible, wincing in pain. He strains, then stands up.

Eren charges the area smacking and punching at the entire area. Wander rolls, barely missing a titanic fist swinging in his direction. Eren roars with frustration and confusion, then sees a flash arrow headed towards his face. The arrow hits and explodes, knocking Eren back out through the wall and back outside. He roars, as there is now a sizable burnt hole in his cheek. Wander climbs the outside of the shrine and rests on a small ledge, changing to the Mask of Power, the Cloak of Force, and the Harpoon of Thunder. He lifts the harpoon and throws it at Eren's hole, causing it to impale the inside of his other cheek and release a shock that makes Eren roar in pain. Eren reaches in his mouth and rips the harpoon out, throwing it back towards Wander. Wander dodges as it implants itself in the wall next to him, and Eren turns and sees him. Enraged beyond belief, Eren charges at him and jumps, smashing both fists into the wall where Wander was, crashing through the stone and busting back into the interior of the Shrine. Eren looks at the ground to see Wander's body, but does not see it.

Wander grunts and he clings onto Eren's long hair. He had barely made it onto Eren as he crashed through the wall. Wander throws himself down the hair and arrives right in front of the nape of Eren's neck. Eren feels Wander squirming and reaches back to claw at him. When Wander sees Eren's hand coming at him, he swings the Queen's Sword and lops off four of Eren's fingers. Eren roars and shakes violently, grabbing his injured and bleeding hand while simultaneously trying to shake Wander off. Wander grunts and struggles, but maintains his grip. When the hair settles in front of the neck, Wander raises the sword and charges up, then delivers a mighty stab into Eren's neck. Eren roars and flails, as his human body inside is stabbed in the shoulder by the blade, causing it to wince. Wander charges up another stab, then plummets the blade again into Eren's neck, this time piercing the human body's stomach. Eren roars in pain and he falls to his knees and collapses, and Wander jumps off and rolls, slightly hurt, onto the Shrine floor. The titan body rapidly decomposes, steam billowing out. Eren emerges, in his human form, from the corpse, blood trailing from his shoulder and stomach. He grunts as he cups his wounds, then picks up a rock. He turns and throws it in Wander's direction, but Wander is not standing there. Eren frantically looks around.

The screen goes dark and the light of a swinging blade is seen against the black. The picture cuts back as Eren's head flies from his body, a shocked expression on the face. The head rolls to the ground, and the decapitated body crumples to the floor. Wander sheaths the Queen's Sword, his head and legs bleeding. He pants and looks over to the rear of the Shrine, where Mono lies, unharmed and still as beautiful as ever.

K.O.!

ErenVWanderKO

Wander kicks Eren's head aside and he goes over to Mono and runs his hand through her hair.

Results[]

Boomstick: Bullsh*t! I demand a rematch! How could a monstrous, giant titan-killing beast be killed by some guy with a sword and some masks?! This was rigged! Bias! Satan! Evil!

Wizard: You're getting good at acting out YouTube and Wiki comments.

Boomstick: Thank you. But seriously though, how did Wander beat Eren? I work here, and I don't even think it makes sense!

Wizard: Well, both men were extremely close in strength and skill in their human forms, and both were able to take good advantage of their environment. Eren was definitely faster both on foot and in maneuvering around, but Wander could keep him at bay with some of his unique equipment.

Boomstick: Makes sense. And when Eren turned into a titan, he sacrificed brain for brawn, which could've worked out extremely well if Wander didn't have a giant arsenal specifically designed for taking out giants. Wander was able to use his vast equipment to gain the upper hand and confuse Eren, allowing him to find out where his weak point was, just like he does with colossi. Even when he took a hit from Titan Eren, he was able to shake it off and heal, just like he did when he got pummeled by things a lot heavier than Eren's fist.

Wizard: Correct. Once Wander discovered Eren's weakness, it was just a matter of getting up there and delivering the killing blow. And Wander has climbed and killed several massive giants before, so Eren would be no different. Plus, with the combined power of the Mask of Power, the Cloak of Force, and the Queen's Sword, Wander could drop Titan Eren fairly quickly.

Boomstick: This fight really was colossal.

Wizard: The winner is Wander.

WanderWins

Music Artwork[]

Colossal by NerdWithAKeyboard

"Colossal"

Next Time[]

Boomstick: Next time on DEATH BATTLE...

Electricity crackles and pops, and a few bolts arch across the screen. There then is a flash of lighting that releases a huge clap of thunder and a blast of light, illuminating the silhouette of a man with blue electricity surrounding one hand, red electricity surrounding the other.

Cole MacGrath.


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