| Ellen Ripley Vs. Issac Clark | |
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| Season 1, Episode 1 | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | October 17, 2016 |
| Written by | Dankedude |
| Directed by | Dankedude |
Episode guide
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| Previous | Next |
| N/A | Xenomorph vs The Thing |
This episode is brought to by Weyland-Yutani! If you need corporate backing why not support your local corrupt conglomerate.
Introduction[]
Two everyday joe's forced to battle inhuman monstrosities, which one of these heroes will survive a Death Battle?
Interlude[]
Wiz: Xenomorphs and Necromorphs. Two suspiciously similarly named bio-weapons that met their bane of existence in spave
Wiz: Both of which fought against two everyday working joes and fucking lost, mutliple times.
Wiz: Ellen Ripley, The Last Hope
Boomstick: And Isaac Clarke, The Broken Key
Wiz: I'm Wizard and he's Boomstick, it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skill, to find out who would win a death battle.
Ripley[]
Background[]
Boomstick: Ellen Ripley was a warrant officer of the U.S.S. Nostromo Starship, a freighter designed primarily carry ores.
Wiz: Until one fateful day where she and crew received a message.
Boomstick: A message that said "Get the fuck away we got some serious shit going down!"
Wiz: They didn't and unfortunately brought aboard a xenomorph, the deadliest killer in the galaxy.
Boomstick: After trying to kill it via flamethrower, trapping it, and even initiating the goddamn self-destruct device it was Ripley that sent the damn thing flying into space.
Wiz: Despite her victory she unfortunately left in cryo-sleep for 57 YEARS!
Boomstick: Jesus Christ, wonder what that did to her figure?
Wiz: Absolutely nothing. She was still young and believed to have been saved only a mere few months after drifting into space. Where she eventually learned her daughter lived a fulfilling life. Getting married, having no kids, oh and saving the galaxy from another infesation.
Boomstick: My god this family is full of badass women!
Wiz: After telling Burke, a sleazy business man, about the Xenomorphs he started another breakout.
Boomstick: Oh for the love of god.
Wiz: Yeah, she along with a platoon of Colonial Marines landed on LV-426. Guns at the ready, cigars in hand...
Boomstick: Only to be completely annihilated! Pretty much the entire party save for four military trained gun toting colonial marines, Ripley, Burke, a synthetic named Bishop, and Newt a little girl...yeah odds were not in their favor.
Wiz: Yet somehow Ripley managed to save Newt from being infested, fight off the alien queen in a Power Loader, and still managed to secure a happy ending.
Boomstick: Ha ok. Let's not forget the Fury-161 incident where everyone, aside from a half destroyed Bishop and herself survived. A Xenomorph birthed from a fucking ox! Oh and she herself had a queen chestbuster. Happy Ending my ass!!
Wiz: Well ok but to be fair she did help the convicts on the planet kill the Xenomorph and jump into a giant burning furnace.
Boomstick: Pretty much a giant F U to Bishop III which the synthetics creator...I think.
Wiz: Ripley was also cloned but to be fair no one takes that film seriously.
Boomstick: What!? But it has Hellboy! And Proto-Firefly! Guess they all can't be winners
Wiz: Now due to Ripley only arming herself in Aliens we will go by her loadout there in terms of her weapons.
Because ya know giant guns and shit.
Wiz: Ripley's main weapon is an M41A Pulse Rifle, which is steel tipped explosive rounds, with a Grenade Launcher attachment, which can kill a group of Xeno's or humans,and to a M240 Incinerator Unit...that was taped on for easy access.
Boomstick: Now that's a gun after my own heart.
Wiz: While this might seem impressive you should know she was not trained to use these in armed combat. Meaning while she might have the firepower it doesn't mean she's used to it.
Boomstick: Kinda sounds like how women react to my firepower. Ha!
Wiz: Ugh, Anyway Ripley has no protective gear which means she is quite vulnerable to armed fire and physical assaults.
Boomstick: That doesn't mean shit though when you consider she's a brave sonnovabitch!
Wiz: She's fought against a single Xeno and outsmarted it.
Boomstick: Got the Bitch Queen herself to back the fuck off and then sent her flying into space too.
Wiz: One might say Ripley's greatest weapon is her mind. As she can push herself past their limits and even achieve the impossible.
Boomstick: She may look like a girl but she is a goddamn beast!
Isaac Clarke[]
Background[]
Wiz: Isaac Clarke was just a normal engineer that was sent to the USS Ishimura to find and locate the source of their communication blackout.
Boomstick: Then all hell broke loose once he entered the ship and corpses came to life.
Wiz: These "Necromorphs" were an infection based creature that was designed to create life forms out of dead tissue.
Boomstick: Tissue that can sprout fucking tentacles and knives...lots and lots of knives.!
Wiz: Isaac had to wade though the dead bodies constantly fighting and witnessing the attrocities of the Unitologist.
Boomstick: Which of course wanted to use these things for ya know "reasons".
Wiz: However Isaac did the unthinkable and destroyed the Black Marker on Aegis VII.
Boomstick: That caused him to be able to read the written language of the Markers and even construct one. Not by himself of course but still this thing was like fucking tall and as wide as my ex-wife.
Wiz: However due to the local government Necromorphs once again sprang up. Causing Isaac to again kill thousands of these things while coming up with a plan to destroy the Marker.
Boomstick: And he did with help from Ellie and super awesome honey who fucking killed her own fair share of them. They even left to settle down somewhere, raise a family, even afford to get Ellie a new eye. Awww
Wiz: Uh Boomstick you may wanna sit down.
Boomstick: Why?
Wiz: They didn't do that at all.
Boomstick: But that's not fair!
Wiz: In fact, they were cased out of their living space, hunted down, watched their friends die, got ratted out by Ellie's new asshole boyfriend and depending on what ending you got. The earth either destroyed of Isaac died.
Boomstick: Holy Shit man why not just crush my heart...
Wiz: There is still one good thing out of this.
Boomstick: What?
Wiz: Ellie and Isaac still loved each other.
Boomstick: I need a minute..
Wiz: Isaac has had many weapons thoughout his endeavors but we will just use his sole weapon most players like to use. The Planet Cracker Plasma Cutter
Boomstick: This thing is like a hand cannon but it's rotating. It can be shot vertically or horizontally.
Wiz: Not only that but is stronger than the normal variant but slower to fire.
Boomstick: He also comes equipped with his Engineering RIG. A suit that protects him from most stabbing wounds but is only covered with protection oh his shoulders, head, chest, and his legs. While some of his squishier parts are left open.
Wiz: He also has Kinesis which is used for lifting objects and stasis which in most cases slow someone or something down.
Boomstick: Just likely Ripley though he is only human. Oh and that RIG is used to stop things like him being crushed or falls not gunfire or stabbings.
Wiz: Despite this Isaac is stubborn, tenacious, aggressive, and compassionate. Thinking of others first and even putting himself in harms way first. Making him human in everyway.
Boomstick: I hope we get a sequel...Ellie and Isaac deserve each other.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright we've done all the research, analyzed their weapons and abilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!
Death Battle[]
intro music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9egQyLpEyI
Cut to Isaac leaving a room with Ellie.
"Isaac? Were there others with us?"
"No Ellie why?"
Ellie points towards an airlock. Two figures standing in the dimly lit room.
"We had to jettison the bodies." A womans voice mumbled.
Isaac raises his Plasma Cutter. Light shining in their eyes.
"Why!? They were our friends!" Isaac snarled.
"They were comprimised. Those damn face huggers as well."
"What are face huggers? What gave you the right!?"
"Ripley I'm scared." Newt whispered.
"It's ok Newt I got this."
Isaac and Ripley walk towards each other. Guns at the ready.
"You didn't have to send them to their deaths. We could've helped them...Ripley? I am I right?"
"Yes you are Isaac. Those Xenomorphs are bugs they won't stay dead for long. Where I go they go."
" Is that a threat?" Isaac's helmet begins to envelop his head.
FIGHT!!!
Isaac raises his weapon and fires towards Ripley's legs. Ripley manages to dodge it.
"Those laser sights are a weakness." Ripley yells firing in bursts. Isaac tries to dodge but his legs are hit. While not fatal mobility is shot. Newt and Ellie run for cover.
"Come on!" Ripley shouts. Isaac then alternates his plasma cutter for horizontal fire and fires his stasis. Ripley shoots but the fire rate is reduced. Isaac is clipped a bit but he fires on the Pulse Rifle. Dissabling it and she enters back into real time. While broken her flamethrower still works firing it full force at Isaac.
Writhing in pain Isaac falls towards the ground and helmet retracts. Ripley aiming her flamethrower at him.
"Tell me do you have nightmares?" Ripley asks.
"Yeah but it doesn't end like this." Isaac fires his plasma cutter at Ripley's leg. Falling down her finger pulls the trigger. The flamethrower misses the intended target. Isaac points his weapon at her head. "Maybe yours will end." As he pulls the trigger Newt screams.
KO
=[]
Boomstick: Well that was head bursting.
Wiz: While Ripley had the better firepower she was not a trained colonial marine. In fact during Alien she took a full force slap to the face and was sent across the corridor.
Boomstick: Not only that but Isaac's tech was far superior. That suit is goddamn built to sustain envirnmental hazzards. Let's face it Ripley's chance's had bursted.
Wiz: Ugh yeah, the winner Isaac Clarke.
Next Time on Death Battle[]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnFc7D0ZoCc
A Xenomorph curls out of the wall drool drippng with siliva.
A lone human scared and cowering. The face opening to form a wide mouth.