Image by DBDoctor13
Eggsy Unwin VS The Spy is a What-If? Death Battle by DBDoctor13. It features a spy-themed battle between Gary "Eggsy" Unwin [1] from the Kingsman Franchise and The Spy [2] from the video game Team Fortress 2.
DESCRIPTION[]
It's The Kingsman Vs The Mercs from Team Fortress 2! Two reckless spies face-off in a high-stakes fight between two espionage agents. Will Eggsy dethrone The Spy as a master Secret Agent? Or is the Mercenary destined to stab The Kingsman to death?
INTRODUCTION[]
(Music: Wiz & Boomstick- Brandon Yates)
Wiz: The art of spy craft takes years to perfect. One must be willing to dedicate their mind, body, and style into becoming a master secret agent.
Boomstick: Surprisingly though, all that can be accomplished even when you have nothing. Like today’s combatants.
Wiz: Gary “Eggsy” Unwin; the British street-thug-turned-secret-agent of The Kingsmen.
Boomstick: And The Spy; master of impersonations and cheap shots of Team Fortress 2. He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick!
Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their armor, weapons, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
GARY "EGGSY" UNWIN[]
(Music: Manners Maketh Man by Henry Jackman from Kingsman: The Secret Service [Original Motion Picture Score])
Wiz: Nearly every secret agent has a tragic backstory, and the story of Gary “Eggsy” Unwin is no different. Born to a loving mother and father, Eggsy’s Dad was sadly killed in an undisclosed event. Without a supportive husband, Eggsy’s Mother became a drifter and married all the wrong people even though they would abuse her.
Boomstick: Goddamn! Why does this always happen in fiction. There seems to be a majority of fathers who either suck or are dead.
Wiz: Naturally upset, Eggsy took it upon himself to support his Mother. But that meant passing up great opportunities. He had a huge I.Q, he had a first prize regional under tens’ gymnastic for two years in a row, and went halfway through military training, but gave it all up due to trying to support his Mom.
Boomstick: So instead he became a thug. Hey, when life gives you lemons, right?!
Wiz: Naturally, Eggsy was caught and sent to prison but used a message to get out of jail.
Boomstick: For free?!
Wiz: It was here he met Harry Hart; who just so happened to have known Eggsy’s father.
Boomstick: Yeah, because it turned out Eggsy’s Dad was a SECRET AGENT!!
(ROBOT CHICKEN M. NIGHT SHAMALYAN: What a Twist!)
Wiz: This organization was known as The Kingsmen; founded after the first World War and named after the Knights of the Round Table, they were an independent secret agency dedicated to keeping peace and the world safe. One of their agents had recently died and Harry took it upon himself to recruit Eggsy to prove he had the material to become a Kingsman. Mainly because it was Harry's carless misjudgment on a previous mission that got Eggsy's father killed and he felt he owed it to Eggsy's Dad to train the fallen Kingsman Agent's son to become an Agent.
Boomstick: But surprise, surprise. Harry ended up dead before Eggsy could complete hi training.
(VALENTINE: Now, I’m going to tell you my whole plan, and then I’m going to come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you’ll find an equally convoluted way to escape. HARRY: Sounds good to me. VALENTINE: Well, this ain’t that kind of movie. [He shoots Harry in the head, but still looks away while shooting him.])
Boomstick: See, told you.
(Music: Pick a Puppy by Henry Jackman from Kingsman: The Secret Service [Original Motion Picture Score])
Wiz: Despite not being a fully-trained spy, Eggsy stepped up to the challenge and saved the world where his mentor could not. He later did so again and has one of the largest collection of spy arsenals to prove why he is one of the best modern-spies in recent history.
Boomstick: Aw, yeah! This is what I’m talking about! Like all Kingsman, Eggsy wears a custom-tailored suit which is basically bulletproof! He also wears special AR Glasses that help inform him of things he’s not familiar with and can communicate with people across the world! It can even act with a built-in zoom-feature that allows him to see things from far away.
Wiz: His Kingsman signet ring can act as a taser which can deliver a lethal charge of up to 50,000 volts of power. His Kingsman watch holds a multitude of features such as a flash-bomb and a GPS for summoning his car. He can also use it to hack any electrical equipment so long as he’s close to it. Or if he feels like it, he can fire an amnesia or electrical dart at his foes. Lastly, Eggsy’s shoes are equipped with a retractable blade which extended once tapped in the correct way. Upon contact with a foe, the blades infect the victim with a quick-acting neurotoxin which can kill a target in a matter of seconds.
Boomstick: And that’s just the suit alone! For the real goodies, Eggsy carries a whole assortment of spy tools. Like a Fountain Pen which can be dispelled into someone’s drink and then activated to poison them whenever one feels like it! He’s also got a lighter which doubles as a hand grenade powerful enough to blow up an entire room! Finally, there’s the very lovely Kingsman Briefcase; a multi-tool weapon which can act as an LMG, a rocket propelled grenade launcher, and a ballistic shield that has AR technology to allow someone to see what’s going on in front of them. Plus, after their headquarters was blown up, Eggsy got a few more items from the American spy agency known as The Statesmen which included a baseball bat to allow one to sweep for landmines, and a baseball which is another beautiful hand grenade. But above all these awesome weapons, there is one that is always essential to any Kingsman Agent; the Kingsman Umbrella.
Wiz: Like the Kingsman Briefcase, the Umbrella is actually a ballistic shield with AR technology to allow the user to see what is going on in front of them. It also holds a vast amount of spy gear inside it. The Kingsman Umbrella is strong enough to tank machine gun fire, but a powerful sniper shot can pierce it. Fortunately, the Kingsman Umbrella handle can also be used as an improvised grappling hook either in close range or shoot out to grab far away objects. It can also fire a wire that can stick a victim to anything metal and electrocute them. The umbrella can also shoot its top out to knock a person over with a full body flip or propel them into the air. Lastly, it can shoot out a shotgun blast or a regular normal bullet without opening the umbrella.
Boomstick: Damn! What can’t this thing do?!
Wiz (holding up his own Kingsman Umbrella): Well, I’ve been developing my own version of the umbrella. With my own modifications to it.
Boomstick: Can it fly?
Wiz looks surprised but then looks very mischievous.
Wiz: Why yes, Boomstick. It can fly.
Boomstick (taking the umbrella): Gimmie! I’ma gonna try it out.
Boomstick runs out of the room.
Boomstick (O.S. as he’s falling): WHHEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee-
There is a sound of a crash outside and a car alarm. Wiz smiled proud of what he’s done.
Boomstick (O.S. in pain): Agh… I fell on my balls…
(Music: Kingsman Hoedown by Henry Jackman from Kingsman: The Golden Circle [Original Motion Picture Score])
Wiz: Even with all of this technology, Eggsy still carries and uses a number of guns like his standard semi-auto Kingsman pistol or his Heckler & Koch USP Compact Pistol.
Boomstick (Struggling): Ugh… He also is proficient in using the Heckler & Koch P30 Semi-Automatic Pistol, a Glock 17 semi-automatic pistol, sub machine guns, and sniper-rifles. But as Eggsy learned, it’s not just about the technology. It’s about being skilled enough to use them. Thanks to his years as a gang member, Eggsy proved he had what it took to be a secret agent!
Wiz: Eggsy is strong enough to break glass while underwater with five punches, can knock a person over with one punch, or even flip them over!
Boomstick: He once shoved another man’s head hard enough that it broke bullet-proof glass and then later broke that man’s neck with only one hand!
Wiz: Eggsy also has tremendous speed as he is able to outrun machine gun fire, and has been scaled to enemy henchwoman Gazelle; who could dodge bullets at point-blank range. Additionally, Eggsy has been known to keep up in speed to his mentor, Harry Hart. At one point, Harry was fast enough to remove a rope tied around his neck before it could be fully electrocuted. For the record, Electricity often moves at around 50-99% the speed of light. This means that Eggsy is capable of reacting to something moving around or over 186,000 miles per-second!
(Music: Finale by Henry Jackman from Kingsman: The Secret Service [Original Motion Picture Score])
Boomstick: That shit’s crazy! But then again, Eggsy’s done some pretty crazy things even after becoming a gang member. He survived being pulled through a stone pillar, getting hit with a robotic arm which could break small blades and bend a metal door, and saved the world on multiple occasions.
Wiz: Eggsy is also very intelligent able to improvise plans on the fly. He’s also very efficient in hand-to-hand combat and can shoot multiple foes at once. He can swim underwater while holding his breath for two whole minutes, and can lift and switch objects without them noticing.
Boomstick: He can steal cars and even drive backwards! I’ve tried that before and I only lasted a microsecond before I crashed. Hadn’t even turned the car on. But Eggsy also has tremendous parkour skills and can jump across rooftops with no problem. And eventually, he found out that Harry Hart had survived his ordeal and helped restore his mentor.
Wiz: But Eggsy is not perfect, far from it. Despite his high IQ and training over the years, both from Kingsman and his days in a gang, he does have a limited amount of ammo in his guns and gadgets. He also is a bit cocky and tries to fight fair most of the time, and his sense of loyalty can get himself compromised.
Boomstick: But Eggsy is too much of a badass to let any inconvenience get in his way. He even married the Princess of Sweden! I think it’s safe to say that Harry Hart was right to recruit someone from the Street into the Kingsman Elite.
(EGGSY: As a good friend once said; [Eggsy begins locking the pub doors] “Manners…Maketh…Man.” DEAN: Eggsy! I’m going to shove your manners up your fucking- [Eggsy turns, sweeping his umbrella handle to catch the glass sitting on a nearby counter, and flings it at Dean. The glass shatters upon contact with his face, knocking him out. Dean’s gang buddies look at Eggsy horrified as he smiles with a cunning grin.] EGGSY: So, are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?)
THE SPY[]
(Music: Archimedes by Mike Morasky from Team Fortress 2 Official Soundtrack)
Wiz: In 1850, a wealthy Englishman named Zepheniah Mann passed away leaving his land to be divided equally between his two sons Blutarch and Redmond Mann.
Boomstick: Lucky bastards. All I ever got from my Dad was disappointment.
Wiz: Well, this was actually Zepheniah’s way of getting back at his children. See, the land they had convinced him to purchase was useless and so he would leave them with what he had left; nothing.
(Music: Drunken Pipe Bomb by Mike Morasky from Team Fortress 2 Official Soundtrack)
Boomstick: Suck it, brats. Well, anyways this didn’t stop them from declaring all-out war on each other. The two brothers used their resources to hire the best mercenaries around to fight each other for their land. Each mercenary brought a unique trait to the battle. The Pyro burned down everything, The Sniper killed from afar, and The Soldier blew people away with his big-ass bazooka! Aw, man! Looking at that majesty makes me feel all happy inside.
Wiz: But one mercenary relied on the ultimate stealth for his skills. The mysterious agent known only as The Spy.
(Music: Petit Chou-Fleur by Mike Morasky from Team Fortress 2 Official Soundtrack)
(SPY: Right behind you…)
Wiz: Not much is known about this ski-mask-wearing mercenary other than the fact that he more-than-likely came from France given his thick French accent.
Boomstick: But what is clear is that The Spy eventually joined the other mercenaries when they were recruited by both Blutarch and Redmond. Fortunately, he had all the skills for infiltrating any enemy base.
Wiz: The Spy carries a revolver which can fire six shots before needing to be reloaded. He also carries the Ambassador which can instantly kill an opponent if shot in the head. Though it is 20% slower to fire than his other weapons and can only fire six shots. He also carries a butterfly knife which is good for getting in and stabbing people when he wants to take someone out up close and personal.
Boomstick: But as I mentioned earlier, he wouldn’t be called ‘The Spy’ if he didn’t have some awesome spy gadgets!
Wiz: Right, The Spy’s greatest asset is his ability to hide in plain sight. The Spy carries a disguise kit which itself is disguised as a cigarette case. Using this, The Spy can transform into any of his fellow mercenaries for at least 5 seconds or less. Fortunately The Spy has also learned how to mimic the voice and mannerisms of anybody he impersonates down to the last detail.
(Music: Right Behind You by Mike Morasky from Team Fortress 2 Official Soundtrack)
Boomstick: He also carries the Invisi Watch which lets him turn invisible for at least 9 Seconds. Fortunately, it can be refilled using ammo.
Wiz: Which is an affront to science itself!
Boomstick: Shut up, Wiz. It runs on ammo. It’s a scientific achievement in humankind. Let us have this one victory! Anyways, The Spy also carries the Sapper which can destroy any large machinery! But it takes a while to charge up and some time to find the parts to craft on its own!
Wiz: Fortunately, The Spy does not rely only upon his gadgets. He’s strong enough to lift The Sniper, killed The Medic with one chop to the neck, and can go toe-to-toe with both The Heavy and The Soldier at the same time!
Boomstick: He’s considered the third fastest mercenary on the team, and like his fellow mercs regularly survives getting shot, blown up, and lit on fire.
(Music: Intruder Alert by Mike Morasky from Team Fortress 2 Official Soundtrack)
Wiz: But The Spy is not invincible. He is not accustomed to direct combat and his cloaking is also limited while his disguises do wear off over time.
Boomstick: But with all the skills and feats under his belt, The Spy is one of the most useful members of the mercenaries around. Don't bother looking behind you, because it's all ready too late.
([The Spy is seen retrieving a photo of him making out with The Scout’s Mother. He smiles blissfully.] THE SPY: Ahh… ma petit chou-fleur.)
DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It’s time for a DEATH BATTTTLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
PRE-FIGHT[]
(Music: Manners Make The Mercenary by Brandon Yates)
We pan down inside an old warehouse filled with boxes. There is a lone light on which is shining down on a figure who is currently covered in a sheet and sitting on a chair. There is gunfire heard outside as a nearby door opens revealing The Heavy who has a bullet in his head. He falls down revealing Eggsy behind him.
EGGSY: Fuck me, what kind of sandwiches were you eating?
Eggsy moves over to the sheet and removes it. We now see the person underneath is none other than Sir Elton John himself. Elton is dressed in his Louis XIV Outfit that he wore on tour in one of his earlier tours in Australia (A/N: Think the costume that was seen in the movie Rocketman when Elton begins playing Bennie and the Jets) and has a ball gag in his mouth. He is also clearly chained to the chair.
EGGSY: Sir Elton, are you all right?
Eggsy removes the ball gag from Elton’s mouth as he looks behind the Kingsman agent worried.
SIR ELTON JOHN: Behind you!
Eggsy turns around to see The Spy approaching from the shadows clapping slowly like a stereotypical Bond villain.
THE SPY: Bonjour, Monsieur Kingsman.
EGGSY: You know about us?!
THE SPY: Not everything. I was employed by a contract to kill you. I knew I would have to do something very ridiculous and stupid to get you here.
EGGSY (To Sir Elton): Sir Elton, stay here.
SIR ELTON JOHN: Don’t worry. I’m not going fucking anywhere.
EGGSY (To The Spy): So, are we going to stand around here all day? Or are we going to fight?
FIGHT![]
Eggsy and The Spy both draw their pistols and begin firing at each other. Both dodge each other’s pistols and duck behind some crates.
SIR ELTON JOHN: Someone’s going to get fucked right in the ass tonight!
Eggsy and The Spy reload and fire at each other once again. Eggsy runs over and trips The Spy with a sweeping kick and then proceeds to beat his face in with his fists. However, The Spy pulls out his second revolver causing Eggsy to flip over him as The Spy misses. The Spy gets back up as Eggsy takes a moment to readjust his hair. The two then go at it again, Eggsy then pulls out his glock and starts firing only for The Spy to fire back with his own gun as the bullets fly everywhere. Sir Elton John flinches as they come close to hitting his face.
SIR ELTON JOHN (Screaming): FUCK ME!!!
He manages to fall over on the side. Back in the fight, Eggsy takes out his Umbrella as The Spy readies his revolver. Eggsy opens the umbrella and protects himself as The Spy’s bullets just bounce off the cloth.
THE SPY (Surprised): Merde.
Eggsy grins as he switches functions on the Umbrella and shoots a magnetic rope which attaches to The Spy’s hand and then sticks him to the wall, Electrocuting him. The Spy cries in pain as Eggsy goes in for the kill. However, The Spy manages to retrieve his butterfly knife and cuts the rope. He then lunges forward like a professional fencer at Eggsy who does three handstand flips in reverse, avoiding The Spy’s attacks. Eggsy then delivers a hard punch to The Spy’s face only for The Spy to knee him in the gut and then flip Eggsy over. The Spy is ready to bring the butterfly knife down when Eggsy grabs The Spy’s arm and slams the knife into the ground away from his head. Eggsy then slams his Kingsman Signet Ring into the mercenary’s neck, electrocuting him once more. The Kingsman Agent then grabs The Spy’s shoulder and flips himself over his foe.
THE SPY (Screaming): ENOUGH WITH THE ELECTROCUTING SHIT ALREADY!! YOU ARE MAKING ME SERIOUSLY MISS FIGHTING THAT DISAPPOINTMENT FROM BOSTON!!!
EGGSY: Should’ve thought about that before you decided to mess with one of my favorite musicians.
The Spy activates his Invisi Watch and turns invisible. Eggsy uses his Kingsman AR Glasses to try and track him but can’t seem to find him anywhere. However, the AR alerts him to a sound behind him as Eggsy looks back to see an outline of The Spy using his Invisibility while holding The Ambassador to his head. Eggsy dodges as the shot misses his head.
However, The Spy then stabs Eggsy in the shoulder with the butterfly kniffe, causing the young Agent to cry in pain. The Spy then head-butts Eggsy in the face, breaking his glasses and making Eggsy's nose bleed. The Spy then fires four shots into Eggsy's chest, causing the Kingsman's eyes to go wide. The Spy grins and points The Ambassador at Eggsy's head.
THE SPY: Au revoir.
However, Eggsy kicks upwards, knocking the gun out of The Spy's hands much to his shock.
THE SPY: WHAT-?!
EGGSY (Grinning): Kingsman Standard suit. Completely bulletproof. Also, a little bit of acting on my part. Kingsman might've taught me a lot of things, but feigning weakness? I learned that on my own.
Eggsy then uses his watch to activate the Flash Bang effect and raises it straight into The Spy’s face. The Spy cries out in pain as he is blinded and Eggsy taps his watch switching it to hacking mode which quickly hacks The Spy’s Invisi Watch making him visible. Eggsy then taps his shoes together bringing out the hidden knife. The Street-Thug-Turned-Kingsman brings the shoe up as it goes right between The Spy’s legs hitting him where the sun doesn’t shine. The Spy cries like a little girl as Eggsy removes his foot. The Spy looks at Eggsy in disbelief as The Kingsman gives a smug smirk. The Spy looks surprised as he tries to say something but can’t get it out before he slumps to the ground. Eggsy breathes relieved as he goes back to Sir Elton John, helping to free the Musician and get him to his feet.
EGGSY: Sir Elton, are you okay?
SIR ELTON JOHN: I am, thanks to you. (Looks at The Spy) That bloke was a fucking asshole.
EGGSY: Glad I could help. Now let’s get going. I have a plane ready to take you back to London.
SIR ELTON JOHN: Thank you, darling. (Blows a kiss)
K.O.[]
Eggsy is seen getting onto a plane with Sir Elton John. Back at the warehouse, The Blue Soldier stands over The Spy’s body waiting for him to turn at any second before realizing The Spy is actually a Red Mercenary and begins looting his things.
Announcer: K.O.!
RESULTS[]
Boomstick: Oh, man! Out of all the deaths we’ve seen on this show, that is the most gruesome we’ve seen by far!
Wiz: Honestly, I’m shocked at the result. At first glance, The Spy actually had a good chance at winning this battle.
Boomstick: He definitely seemed to have more experience, but Eggsy has had a long history of dealing with foes much more powerful than himself! Also, even though his spy gear was used for quick kills close and personal, The Spy was not a brawler. Eggsy has been brawling even before he became a Kingsman Agent!
Wiz: Also, we know that Eggsy was much faster than The Spy. While he was the third fastest member of the Mercenaries, Eggsy has moved as fast as his mentor, Harry Hart; who could move and react over 186,000 miles per-second! Not to mention that Eggsy’s gear rendered The Spy’s equipment pretty much useless. For instance, it didn’t matter if The Spy could turn invisible when Eggsy could simply spot him with his AR Glasses technology.
Boomstick: Sure, The Spy COULD’VE used his Sapper to get rid of Eggsy’s equipment, but that would take time to find the right parts and provide Eggsy with plenty of opportunities to kill him. Hell, even if he had taken out most of Eggsy’s tech, he still had plenty of non-electrical devices to use to kill The Spy. Not to mention that Eggsy could certainly take on guys without his Kingsman gear!
Wiz and Boomstick are seen wearing custom-tailored Kingsman suits complete with signet rings and umbrellas, but Boomstick is still wearing his hat and Wiz still has his robotic arm and glasses. However, both of them have their hair done in the style of a typical Kingsman Agent.
Wiz: The Spy was a master infiltrator and a tough combatant to be sure, but Eggsy’s own gear, speed, durability, and gadgets helped him overcome the mercenary.
Boomstick: The Spy just couldn’t find his footing, leaving the Kingsman to drive it home!
Wiz: The Winner is Eggsy Unwin.
TRIVIA[]
Custom Album Cover by NerdWithAKeyboard.
The relationship between Eggsy and The Spy is that both are talented secret agents with a crude background and sense of humor. They also use a lot of hidden spy tools and regularly infiltrate well-guarded areas.
This fight would be a traditionally hand-drawn animated fight made to evoke the artwork of Dave Gibbons who along with writer Mark Millar, wrote the limited creator-owned-comic The Secret Service which Matthew Vaughn later adapted into the first Kingsman Movie under the subtitle of the comic book.
The soundtrack title ‘Manners Make The Mercenary’ refers to both the Kingsman Motto of “Manners Maketh Man” and the fact that The Spy is a Mercenary.
The Album Cover was done by NerdWithAKeyboard. It features the Spy's Mask wearing Kingsman Glasses while the Kingsman Logo and RED Logo are seen on opposite sides of the mask.
The Song itself would be an action-packed-espionage style song done in the same vein of the old John Berry-scored James Bond Movies (Specifically the Sean Connery Films Soundtrack). Parts of the score also incorporate the themes from both Team Fortress 2 and The Kingsman Films.
Eggsy rescuing Sir Elton John is a reference both to how a fictionalized version of Sir Elton John (played by the real-life counterpart) was kidnapped during the events of Kingsman: The Golden Circle. It is also a reference to the fact that Taron Egerton (who played Eggsy in the Kingsman films) played Sir Elton John in the Musical Bio-Drama film Rocketman (which was also produced by Kingsman Movie Director/Writer Matthew Vaughn).