Ed, Edd n Eddy vs Spongebob, Patrick and Squidward is the second What-If? Death Battle episode by GoCommitDi, featuring Ed, Edd n Eddy from the namesake Cartoon Network series, and SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star and Squidward Tentacles from the Nickelodeon franchise, Spongebob Squarepants.
Description[]
Ed, Edd n Eddy vs Spongebob, Patrick and Squidward! Two iconic animated trios from 1999 with a manipulative narcissist who get injured a lot, a softie, and a goofy, lovable moron, which one will prove to be the wackiest and come out on top?
Pre-Fight Poll[]
Interlude[]
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92H3Mscg7QQ)
Wiz: Ahhh, friend groups in TV shows. We can thank The Three Stooges for popularizing them. They're never complete without an idiot and a manipulator.
Boomstick: And we are going to make two childhood icons fight. They're both goofy in their own ways, and they sure can put up good fights especially when they all come together!
Wiz: Ed, Edd n Eddy. The chicken-loving moron, the polite genius, and the jawbreaker-obsessed brat, from an unspecified culdesac in a quiet neighborhood.
Boomstick: And Spongebob, Patrick and Squidward. An eternally optimistic sponge, a lazy, silly starfish, and an egotistical grouch who is actually an octopus.
Wiz: He's Boomstick, and I'm Wiz, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Ed, Edd n Eddy Scam DEATH BATTLE![]
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbWmMWj2w3I)
Wiz: They say summer is the best time of a kid's life. Well, three teenagers named Ed, Edd n Eddy certainly verify that saying. They have spent their entire summer break scheming their peers out of their money so they can buy jawbreakers. They almost never succeed, but at least they've brought us tons of unforgettable adventures filled with healthy doses of slapstick and fourth wall breaks.
Boomstick: All three of them have been friends ever since they were babies. Despite their differences, they are a prime example of inseparable friends no matter how bad things get.
Wiz: Ed is the biggest and strongest member of the group, who is also the dumbest. He is an avid lover of chickens, buttered toast, repulsive odors, monster movies and comic books. He may have a small brain, but he does have a big heart.
Boomstick: Edd, better known as Double D, is the smartest, kindest, open-minded and weakest of the Eds. He excels in academics, always getting straight As on his report cards, and can make gadgets in a matter of seconds. He is a neat freak to humorous degrees and will go insane if he hasn't showered.
Wiz: And finally, Eddy, the leader and mastermind of the Eds. He is incredibly arrogant, loud, rude and haughty. There's nothing he loves more than jawbreakers and scamming kids for them. He is always either scheming, getting attention or trying to look cool.
Boomstick: Over their 10-year run, the Eds have accomplished many impressive feats.
(https://youtu.be/AoXJEXdu2iE?t=97)
Wiz: In their debut appearance, they gained jawbreakers, something they've never done in any other episode!
Boomstick: But how could we forget that they regularly scam their neighborhood peers for a goddamn quarter? Sure, most of their plans fail terribly, but there are rare occasions where they've succeeded.
Wiz: Like the time when Ed ate the entire neighborhood's food in one night, only for Eddy and Edd to sell it back to the kids the next morning.
Boomstick: They were able to prank the entire cul-de-sac with their El Mongo Stink Bomb, which was an oversized foul bomb from Eddy's brother.
Wiz: The trio once teamed up with the cul-de-sac to stop an alien invasion that spread across to other Cartoon Network universes at the time, including Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, My Gym Partner's a Monkey, Camp Lazlo, and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy.
Boomstick: They have - surprisingly - spooked the Kanker Sisters on a few occasions, once using reverse psychology, and another when Eddy scared them just by yelling at them to leave! And what's really impressive about this is that the Kankers rarely, if ever, feel intimidation.
Wiz: The Eds built an entire city made of cardboard, and on another occasion, Ed once constructed an elevator that could reach the Moon in less than a day all by himself!
Boomstick: They have traveled across the country to find Eddy's brother, who turned out to be an abusive bully that even Rolf feared!
Wiz: Fortunately, the Eds did defeat him, and they all overcame their personality flaws, which lead to them FINALLY befriending the cul-de-sac kids.
Boomstick: Now, despite being ridiculed by their peers on a daily basis, the Eds should not be underestimated in combat, because they have what it takes to fight when need be.
Wiz: Let's start off with each of their physical statistics, shall we?
Boomstick: Since Ed is the strongest, what do we start off with other than his strength? First and foremost, he is consistently capable of uprooting houses and lifting them above him. He even did this as a baby and can do it with one hand!
Wiz: The average household can weigh anywhere between 80,000 to 160,000 lbs. Or in other terms, 40 to 80 tons.
Boomstick: He can also lift up the Kankers' trailer home with a tree inside of it and rip it in half as if it were paper.
Wiz: He ripped a slide off of wood with his teeth and ate it in a fit of rage, just because he had a pebble stuck in his shoe!
Boomstick: He can bite through steel and broke an entire house's support beam. He frequently smashes through fences and walls, especially when frightened.
Wiz: He has beaten up Kevin on more than a few occasions, with one notable example being when he punched him hard enough to send him flying several meters and give him a black eye. And keep in mind Kevin has no-sold falling from hundreds of meters in the air, and getting crushed by a house and an entire school building!
Boomstick: Ed can rapidly spin an entire Ferris wheel with his legs alone. He can lift cars with one hand and throw them to faraway distances!
Wiz: He can kick down metal garage doors without breaking a sweat. Speaking of garages, he can rip off an entire driveway!
Boomstick: His own stomach growling is enough to make a miniature earthquake!
Wiz: As Edzilla, Ed was able to bend swing sets into the shape of chickens and overpower Rolf, who can uproot trees and trade blows with Kevin.
Boomstick: Given how he's the strongest of the Eds, it shouldn't be faulty to assume he can scale to the Kanker Sisters, who have destroyed the entire neighborhood out of rage!
Wiz: As for Double D, he is certainly the weakest of the Eds. Most of his strength feats were done either with struggle, or on accident. He can barely lift both Ed and Eddy together, and with Eddy's help, he carried a refrigerator on his back and pushed it around.
Boomstick: Double D's most impressive strength feats might have to be when he physically contended with Eddy in Big Picture Show and when he accidentally cracked Rolf's skull with two kicks. On another occasion, he smashed Jonny through a wall just by throwing his hand upward. And, he once cracked part of a concrete wall on accident.
Wiz: He once helped Eddy move a trailer house when Kevin was pushing the other side. He has kicked his shoe hard enough to knock Eddy off his feet.
Boomstick: He accidentally knocked out Sarah with a spray can and injured Mary Kanker's foot by unintentionally dropping a book on it. Both Sarah and Mary are durable enough to withstand houses dropping on them, point-blank explosions, and the entire school collapsing!
Wiz: Double D is no slouch with his ruler. It can cause Ed's hand to bruise and it can take out sewer crocodiles.
Boomstick: When it comes to Eddy, he is leagues stronger than Double D but slightly weaker than Ed. Eddy can casually swing an entire bed over himself and chuck it at Double D. He can support his body weight with his tongue alone, and he had no problem juggling a chair, a table, a rowing boat, a refrigerator, a bowling ball, a television, a lamp, and a fish tank.
Wiz: He can tear tree stumps from the ground and use Ed as a baseball bat. If you remember Ed's strength feats from earlier, THAT is quite impressive.
Boomstick: He can lift up an entire house from the ground, although he had to jump on a jack to do this. It's still something no 13-year-old can ever do, though.
Wiz: He once struck an oven hard enough to shake and crumble his entire house!
Boomstick: Eddy is capable of ripping off a fire hydrant from sheer concrete, and he can wrestle Sarah, who has destroyed oak trees and injured Ed!
Wiz: Just from running, he pulled apart the entire sidewalk of the cul-de-sac! For reference, this is how large the neighborhood is.
Boomstick: With help from Double D, he lifted and pushed half a trailer, while Kevin was pushing on the opposite side.
Wiz: The angrier the Eds get, the tougher they are in a fight. It may sound like No Limits Fallacy, but it's not; it's actually an attribute that is consistent throughout the series with all the characters, with one example being Jimmy's fight with Double D, or when Eddy challenged Rolf to the most dangerous Urban Rangers badge there is. We're not saying the Eds can go up against Ultra Instinct Goku...but yeah.
Boomstick: This attribute even counts when the trio is facing someone who would normally kick their ass, such as Sarah and Rolf.
Wiz: However, the most important strength feat to consider is how the Eds regularly trade blows with each other, as well as the cul-de-sac kids, who are capable of harming them on a daily basis. This means their strength compares to their durability.
Boomstick: And durability is what we will get to...now!
Wiz: The Eds have consistently tanked falling from the Moon to Earth without a single scratch on them, and that includes the reentry into the atmosphere! This also means they can handle the vacuum of outer space perfectly fine.
Boomstick: So basically, they can endure extreme amounts of heat, radiation, freezing temperatures, AND no oxygen!
Wiz: It's also important noting meteors burn up before they even reach Earth, yet the Eds survived this feat completely unscathed.
Boomstick: They can survive getting manhandled by the Kankers, who, as stated before, can destroy houses and even the entire neighborhood!
Wiz: They are able to shrug off getting crushed by trees and houses, as well as being in point-blank nuclear explosions!
Boomstick: Eddy was able to survive all the trials of the Hairy Chest of Resilience Badge, which includes...
Wiz: Waxing his leg, having his elbows violently slammed against metal cabinets, running through thorny bushes while butt-naked, getting smashed between two Newton's Cradle-styled boulders, falling down a cliff, getting rammed by a high-speed train, and getting slingshot far enough to shatter the ground upon impact!
Boomstick: He also withstood a curbstomp battle against Rolf, which involved him getting smacked around by a fish he was wielding!
Wiz: The trio once withstood a massive explosion that leveled Jimmy's house, and they were only slightly irritated!
Boomstick: Ed was able to take an angry beating from Sarah, which was intense enough to shake and lift their house off the ground.
Wiz: Double D survived getting crushed by the school, with just a few scratches afterwards.
Boomstick: Eddy took air friction that was capable of tearing apart a prototype rocket by Double D. On another occasion, a toy robot gnawed through half of his stomach, but he didn't even flinch because he was only concerned about it eating his breakfast!
Wiz: The trio regularly feel nothing whenever they get beaten into different shapes, whether it be getting flattened into a pancake by a steamroller, getting wrapped like a newspaper, and many others.
Boomstick: Both Eddy and Double D no-sold a fire blast that burnt the top of a cardboard box, and were fine by the next scene.
Wiz: Ed tanked falling from the sky like a meteor with enough force to move the clouds and create shockwaves that spanned across the cul-de-sac!
Boomstick: Eddy survived a streak of curses brought by bad luck from an ancient telephone, which included getting hit by a speeding truck, trampled by a swarm of hippos, and even being struck by lightning!
Wiz: Lightning bolts are usually 1.2 Tons, which is well into the building range.
Boomstick: They withstood being in the center of a heatwave that was so hot, it fully thawed snow from a radius of several dozens of feet!
Wiz: They were also in the middle of a chemical explosion that embedded them into a concrete wall, only to get back up fine.
Boomstick: And believe it or not, the trio withstood slamming into the sky, causing it to shatter like glass!
Wiz: While babysitting Sarah, they survived a large vacuum explosion that turned Ed's living room into ruins without any notable injuries.
Boomstick: When it comes to speed, the Eds are capable of running so fast they can leave behind a trail of fire on the ground.
Wiz: This means the trio can maneuver at speeds of Mach 5, or at speeds greater than five times the speed of sound!
Boomstick: They often sprint fast enough to where they either appear as blurs or make the background appear blurry, which is faster than the eye can keep up with.
Wiz: Eddy is usually portrayed as the fastest and most agile member in the group, always being shown in the lead when running, and sometimes even pulling complex parkour moves while he's booking it.
Boomstick: All three have outran Kevin's bike in a race, which is fast enough to leave a 32-foot skid mark behind.
Wiz: This means his bike can go up to 25.87 miles per hour, or 41.63 kilometers.
Boomstick: They can dash to where they're able to build up dust clouds, and despite being the least fit of the group, Double D was able to run faster than a cow.
Wiz: The average cattle has a maximum speed of 25 miles, almost as fast as Kevin's bike!
Boomstick: Eddy can run on walls and ceilings, which is something no ordinary human can do unless you're Peter Parker in disguise.
Wiz: Uhh, I hope Jonah Jameson isn't watching this...
Boomstick: They have been able to chase after a school bus on foot...
Wiz: ...which can drive up to 50 miles per hour assuming it's on a highway.
Boomstick: They could also outpace a swarm of bees, although Ed and Double D ended up getting stung.
Wiz: For intelligence, they range from dumbest to smartest - Ed, Eddy, and Double D.
Ed
- Often shown to be incredibly dumb. His report card consists of straight Fs, he lacks common sense, he is highly impulsive, and he is almost always unaware of situations
- When told his feet smelled, he wondered how it was possible since "feet don't have noses"
- Thought he was a monster when he dressed like one
- However, he is skilled in some areas. Ed possesses vast knowledge in movies and comic books in the horror and sci-fi genre, to the point where he gave a detailed summary on Robot Rebel Ranch, a movie he had never seen before. He can play the flute and could somehow make exact replicas of notes from Double D's parents. He built an elevator to the Moon all by himself.
- When fighting Eddy's brother in the series finale, instead of simply beating up his brother, he chose to unhinge a door Eddy was holding on to, which allowed him to launch the door at his brother and knock him out.
Eddy
- Eddy creates various scams almost every day (this was even the case as a toddler), which earn him a lot of money. He is notoriously difficult to trick, as he can see through pranks - even Double D's.
- Eddy is incredibly cunning, being proficient in manipulating others, and he is also good at lying as he can do so to get himself out of sticky situations. He is so manipulative that he tricked the entire cul-de-sac into thinking it was Christmas, even though said scam was during the middle of summer.
- Tricked Double D of all people into thinking he was dying from the Lack-a-Daisy-Cathro disease.
- Knows how to drive Rolf's tractor.
- Has immense knowledge on pop culture and is fully aware he's a cartoon character. In fact, out of all the characters in the series, he breaks the fourth wall the most.
- When placed in a bet where all the boys (except Jimmy) had to put off their annoying habits, he caused Kevin, Double D, Jonny and Rolf to give up by targeting both their emotional and mental weaknesses (Kevin's burning hatred for him, Double D's sophisticated vocabulary, Jonny's attachment to Plank, and Rolf's desire to consume meat).
- Although Eddy often gets bad grades on his report cards, this is mostly due to laziness instead of sheer stupidity unlike Ed.
Edd/Double D
- Edd may lack strength, but he makes up for it with his high levels of intelligence. He has always been remarkably smart even as a toddler.
- Designs all of the gang's scams, and is a highly talented engineer and mechanic overall.
- Told apart 5,239 ants within mere seconds.
- Has a laboratory inside his own garage.
- Is a promising young inventor; has invented a jet pack, a jawbreaker-tracking satellite, an encyclopedia regarding Rolf's home country, a replica of the Statue of Liberty, an airplane, a hard-to-chew bubblegum, a small boat, a security system, a scooter, a soda that never loses its fizz, etc.
- Can accurately calculate trajectories.
- While running, calculated the time it would take for him and the rest of the trio to get to the candy store and how fast they needed to travel.
- Used reverse psychology to scare off the Kankers (which would've worked had it not been for Eddy's interference).
- Possesses a great amount of knowledge in biology and the laws of physics.
- Has a record of winning 7 spelling bees in a row.
- Made illusions to trick Sarah and Jimmy into giving the Eds their quarters.
Boomstick: Dayum.
Wiz: Now, time to get to their abilities! As you should know, the Eds possess Toon Force, which is a comedic form of reality warping. It allows them to defy the laws of physics in all sorts of ways.
Boomstick: The Eds have impressive regenerative abilities. Whatever damage they receive, they will instantly heal from it. The boys have been torn apart, melted into a puddle, burnt to dust, flattened, decapitated, and had their faces torn off, only to appear fine within seconds.
Wiz: Whoa! Burnt to dust! So, in other words, you would need to atomize the Eds in order to properly kill them.
Boomstick: You heard that right, folks, they won't need to worry about Thanos snapping his fingers.
Wiz: But what's almost as powerful as instantly healing from attacks? Telepathic powers, because Eddy has the ability to read minds!
Boomstick: I hope he can read my ex's thoughts so I can know if she misses me.
Wiz: Spoiler alert - she doesn't.
Boomstick: Not unlike a certain pirate who is mostly known for his infamous 4Kids dub, the Eds have elastic bodies. They can stretch their limbs far enough to reach the end of the cul-de-sac, and their tongues are able to be used like ropes!
Wiz: They are also capable of shapeshifting, as they can mold themselves and other people into the shape of different objects such as balls, bats, and mallets.
Boomstick: The trio are highly proficient in stealth. They can hide in objects without making a peep and even hide behind objects a lot slimmer than them, such as street poles. Eddy once even hid in Kevin's hat and sneaked out without him knowing!
Wiz: Ed can create clones of himself, which proved to be useful when he was constructing an elevator to the Moon.
Boomstick: He is a proficient digger as well. So much so that it's extremely useful to find or bury objects. Hell, he even dug through the cafeteria floor to hide from Edd!
Wiz: The Eds can travel through time just by running, although running too fast will bring them back to when they were babies. While it may sound combat inapplicable, Eddy did use it to avoid getting beaten up by Sarah, so it's safe to assume that they are willing to use it in a fight.
Boomstick: Ed has senses similar to a dog's. He can track down Eddy from a faraway distance via sniffing the air and sense the cul-de-sac kids coming to beat them up.
Wiz: He even has the ability to turn himself invisible! He used this to hide within the school locker room while nude. Yeah, we're not making that up.
Boomstick: And let's not forget the trio can bend reality to their own pleasure! Eddy has quite literally ate the Sun and ripped off Jimmy's outline, which caused him to melt into a puddle of colors!
Wiz: Their reality warping has also allowed Ed to saw through SPACE itself! And that's not all. The Eds are able to create invisible weapons, traps and even allies that are completely intangible to opponents.
Boomstick: An example of this is Ed's imaginary friend, Jib, who is strong enough to beat Eddy to a pulp.
Wiz: The Eds are able to teleport from point A to point B in no time flat, though they mostly do this via screen transitions.
Boomstick: HOWEVER, Eddy has shown he can phase out of reality and into the background at his own will!
Wiz: Both Ed and Eddy can freely fly into the air and levitate. Eddy's flight is activated by tugging his three strands of hair, whereas Ed can flap his arms. We're not making those up, by the way.
Boomstick: Believe it or not, but the trio has specific movesets. When they get hit by foes, their "attack meter" fills up. Once it's full, they can perform a powerful attack.
Wiz: Ed's main attack is sneezing, which is so powerful it can knock out opponents. It is initiated by rubbing his nose. For Edd, he becomes ballistic upon touching his hat, and he forms a high-speed running charge, rendering him invulnerable to damage and knocking people over.
Boomstick: And for Eddy, he releases a powerful burp that instantly KOs anybody in his way. Whoa, he reminds me of myself.
Wiz: Hopefully you know by now the Eds are physical powerhouses. And of course, if you're going to pack toughness, you should have equipment as well, which is what they're geared to the max with!
Boomstick: First and foremost, the Eds usually have their favorite food, jawbreakers, in handy. Whoever eats it will gain invincibility for 15 seconds, and anybody who comes in contact with the user will take damage.
Wiz: With Chunky Puffs, they can replenish any damaged health, and Ed can spit them out at enemies, which creates adhesive traps that causes foes to remain attached to walls. Not even Rolf or Sarah could bust out of them.
Boomstick: Double D's ski hat could technically count as a useful item in combat, as he can hide inside like a turtle, inflate it to float through air, and fit Ed and Eddy in there.
Wiz: A few self-explanatory items they own are a vacuum cleaner, a flashlight, a water gun, a wrench, a baseball bat, a hammer, a saw, a yo-yo, a stink bomb, a slingshot, a "Canadian" squirt gun, a mallet, gas masks, a jackhammer, fuzzy dice that can be wielded similarly to nunchuks, a crowbar, a newspaper shooter, water balloons, a flyswatter, AND hockey sticks.
Boomstick: The Eds may be Canadian, but Christ they're as armed as the average American!
Wiz: Their Space Outlaw armor are suits made from random scraps found at the local junkyard, which offers them protection from any damage, especially on the head.
Boomstick: Ed sometimes carries an onion in his jacket that allows him to give out bad breath - a stench so bad it knocked Eddy unconscious.
Wiz: He also carries around a "good luck charm", which is a rotting piece of cheese otherwise known as Sheldon. It disintegrated Double D just from mere contact, and killed an entire pond of fish!
Boomstick: But that's not all. Edd often carries around his gadgets, such as...
- Elevation Shoes - Allows the user to adjust their height and stomp people
- Jet Pack - Carries an infinite amount of fuel, though any mechanical failure will mess up the exhaust
- Thingamajig - A miniature gumball machine that shoots out whatever the user wants
- Experimental Bubble Gum - Can blow giant bubbles, which are strong enough to support the combined weight of Ed, Eddy, Jonny and Plank
- Grappling Hook Gun - Fairly self-explanatory
- Airplane - A plane constructed out of school supplies that can carry up to 3 people. However, it suffers from being extremely fragile
- Land Windsurfer - A wagon made to chase after the school bus, and uses a fan as the engine. Edd stated it can propel to outer space, meaning it can escape velocity, which is a feat that requires speeds of Mach 32
- S.S. Mutant Almost-a-Chicken Duck - A boat designed to transport the Eds down a river. Violent water currents can destroy it, although there are a few counters (such as using Ed as a rotor)
Wiz: However, the most powerful item in the Eds' disposal might have to be the Hypnotizing Wheel.
Boomstick: The user can activate it by spinning the wheel and showing it in someone's field of vision.
Wiz: The victim can return to normal if - and only if - the user snaps their fingers.
Boomstick: Or if they...ya know...resist mind hax.
Wiz: Gee, thanks, I never knew that.
Boomstick: When it comes to alter-egos, the Eds don't sell short. Up first is Professor Scam, Eddy's super villain ego and the arch-nemesis of Captain Melonhead!
Wiz: The suit allows Eddy to shoot out energy rays otherwise known as the "Ray of Riches", which can be fired in rapid shots.
Boomstick: Edzilla is Ed's monster ego. Originally a costume designed by Double D, Ed thought he was an actual monster while wearing it.
Wiz: While dressed as Edzilla, Ed's strength is greatly increased, and he becomes cunning enough to pull off sneak attacks on others. He will only go back to normal if his mask is removed.
Boomstick: As Lothar, Ed uses a spatula as his main weapon and becomes the opposite of his normal self by refusing to hold back in a fight, not even against girls!
Wiz: And last but not least is Double D's wrestler ego, The Masked Mumbler.
Boomstick: In this state, he has toilet paper rolls serving as protection pads and is given the knowledge on several wrestling moves!
Wiz: Said moves allowed him to defeat Lee Kanker in close-quarters combat!
Boomstick: While the Eds have shitloads of amazing feats, they don't come without weaknesses.
Wiz: The Eds are incompetent to high degrees, as their scams have an unimpressive success record. They are also vulnerable to mind control, as shown when the Kankers used the Hypnotizing Wheel against them.
Boomstick: Ed is moronic, cowardly, and allergic to rabbits, eels and butterscotch. Hell, he's so idiotic that he probably wouldn't even know he's in a fight most of the time. He's also non-violent in general, though not as much as Double D. Speaking of which...
Wiz: Double D is pacifistic, the least experienced in combat, extremely germaphobic and melodramatic, not to mention most of his inventions weren't designed for fighting purposes.
Boomstick: Eddy is extremely arrogant, narcissistic, greedy, short-tempered, AND insecure about his height. He is so impatient that he became angry when waiting for a 1-minute microwavable burrito to finish heating.
Wiz: The Hypnotizing Wheel can easily be ripped from the user's possession and used against them. It will also be rendered useless if the target provides themselves with eye protection, such as hair that covers their eyes.
Boomstick: Double D and Eddy are prone to arguing, which ends up delaying their goals, and it takes time for the Eds to change into their alter-egos.
Wiz: But still. Ed, Edd n Eddy are a lot tougher than they look and should never be underestimated.
Eddy: WE DID IT, DOUBLE D! Everyone loves us! We're finally in, baby!
Edd: And it only took 130 episodes, 4 specials, and a movie, Eddy!
Ed: Let's sing a song!
Spongebob and Patrick Annoy Squidward & DEATH BATTLE![]
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OoScXurYUE)
Boomstick: Unless you live in North Korea, there is no need to introduce Spongebob, Patrick and Squidward. They are the most iconic animated characters of the current generation, and just about everyone knows who they are.
Wiz: Well, isn't it formal for us to still introduce the trio?
Boomstick: Ugh, fine.
Wiz: SpongeBob SquarePants is an anthropomorphic sponge who resides in the undersea city, Bikini Bottom, where he works at a fry cook at the local fast food joint, The Krusty Krab. He lives in a pineapple with his pet snail, Gary.
Boomstick: And next door is his idiotic best friend, Patrick Star, and the pessimistic striving artist, Squidward Tentacles. Ok, Wiz, I've done my part, and literally everybody knows who SpongeBob is. Can we move on?
Wiz: Alright, alright! Given how they're cartoon characters, SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward naturally have impressive feats underneath their sleeve.
Boomstick: If we were to go over them in detail, Shrek 5 would already be in theaters.
Wiz: Which is why we compiled a list!
Feats
- All three, in many different ways, have stopped the Krabby Patty Secret Formula from getting stolen by Plankton on countless occasions
- In the very first episode, Patrick talked SpongeBob into following his dreams of working at the Krusty Krab. The latter was tasked by Mr. Krabs to find a fictional, technologically impossible spatula because he was unqualified for the job. Later, he ended up finding it and used it to feed a giant crowd of hungry anchovies. This satisfied Krabs so much that he changed his mind and hired SpongeBob
- Squidward was able to blow a giant bubble, which impressed both SpongeBob and Patrick (although said bubble encased his house)
- Despite being put under mind control by Plankton to seize a Krabby Patty, SpongeBob's willpower refused to give it up
- SpongeBob and Patrick managed to get their favorite superheroes, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, out of retirement
- SpongeBob successfully caught Bubble Bass lying about him forgetting to put pickles in a Krabby Patty by pointing out the pickles were under his tongue the entire time
- With aide from Patrick, he temporarily tricked everyone into thinking he was the Flying Dutchman (and would've succeeded if it wasn't for a jellyfish stinging Patrick's butt)
- In order, Squidward traveled to the future, through space, to prehistoric times, and then to the present. When he was stranded in caveman times, he invented jellyfishing
- SpongeBob and Patrick dug up treasure from the Flying Dutchman
- Convinced Sandy to stay in Bikini Bottom
- SpongeBob defeated King Neptune, the ruler of the ocean, in a prestigious cook-off
- Squidward destroyed a marble column and unknowingly turned it into a replica of a beautiful statue
- Patrick founded Wumbology
- Both SpongeBob and Patrick served as athletes for the Fry Cook Games
- Alongside Patrick, SpongeBob survived an entire winter inside Sandy's treedome
- Found the lost city of Atlantis
- SpongeBob and Patrick traveled to Shell City (a location no other fish had ever gone to) in order to retrieve Neptune's crown
- Patrick's pet rock somehow won a snail race
- Performed a halftime show at the Bubble Bowl
- SpongeBob and Patrick won The Dirty Bubble Challenge (hitting a paddleball 29,998,559,671,349 times in a row)
- Survived surfing The Big One
- Helped the Krusty Krab celebrate its "eleventy-seventy" anniversary
- SpongeBob became the Mayor of New Kelp City
- Despite nearly getting distracted by SpongeBob performing a medical operation on Patrick, Squidward successfully performed a symphony orchestra
- SpongeBob defeated DoodleBob not once, but twice
- Journeyed to the surface to reclaim the Krabby Patty formula from Burger Beard the Pirate, and defeated him as superheroes
- SpongeBob and Squidward retrieved the Krabby Patty formula from the sewers
- SpongeBob solved the problems of three patients while impersonating a doctor
- SpongeBob removed a virus that infected Karen
- SpongeBob became the first sponge to dive from the sea floor up to the surface
- Celebrated the 20th anniversary of the franchise
- Met Santa Claus, and on one occasion, SpongeBob helped him repair the moon
- The series in general is so iconic that it:
- Is the fifth-longest running American animated series
- Has generated over $13 billion from merchandise alone
- Is known and loved by practically everybody, making it the Looney Tunes of the current generation
- During its first month on air, it overtook Pokémon as the highest-rated Saturday morning cartoon
- Is the favorite cartoon of former US president, Barack Obama
- Had a Broadway musical, which received many positive reviews from critics
- Is the only Nicktoon from the 1990s that remains ongoing
- Was supposed to end after the first movie, but was so popular that it was renewed for a fourth season
- Has only been rivaled by The Fairly OddParents, which has long been cancelled
- Is the only Nicktoon other than Rugrats to have a film trilogy
- Has three spinoffs on the way
Boomstick: The best part about the trio is how surprisingly tough they are for sea animals.
Wiz: To start off with, SpongeBob is powerful enough to drag an anchor tenfold his size!
Boomstick: Squidward was also dragging an ENTIRE pirate ship through physical effort alone! So consider that a feat for him as well.
Wiz: Not only did they perform said feats while sleep-deprived, but it's important noting the average pirate ship can weigh anywhere between 200,000 to 560,000 pounds!
Boomstick: Both SpongeBob and Patrick were able to lift a lighthouse and move it around with zero effort, just because they needed a night light!
Wiz: All three characters are able to support the weight of their own houses. Squidward's is an Easter Island Head statue, which often weighs in at 14 tons!
Boomstick: SpongeBob is able to burst through metal walls, destroy wooden tikis, smash apart giant robots, break open steel doors, karate chop a fish through a wooden floor, lift a boatmobile over his head, AND spar with Sandy Cheeks in karate!
Wiz: For reference on Sandy's physical abilities, she is tough enough to pull down a boat to the ocean floor, survive a fall from the Moon, eat a small asteroid, casually shatter a boulder with a single karate chop, lift buildings over her head, toss a giant anchor, create shockwaves just by chopping a board, physically move a rocket ship, AND wrestle against bulls!
Boomstick: Patrick can lift a refrigerator, a road, a dumpster, and even support the weight of giant snow tools!
Wiz: Squidward could physically deflect a window thrown at his face, shatter a sculpture just by gently pressing a chisel, throw SpongeBob out of the ocean despite waking up seconds before, and become muscular after a few minutes of training!
Boomstick: Patrick and Squidward, with aide from the rest of the Bikini Bottomites, pushed the entire city of Bikini Bottom to the outskirts within the span of an afternoon.
Wiz: During a fit of rage, Squidward destroyed several statues and turned a marble column into - believe it or not - a beautiful sculpture of a naked man!
Boomstick: They are able to hurt Plankton, who not only no-sold an atomic explosion that engulfed Bikini Bottom, but he is also sturdy enough to survive the Krusty Krab slamming on him after being tossed all the way from Atlantis.
Wiz: Atlantis is usually believed to be located in the Mediterranean Sea. Bikini Bottom is based on Bikini Atoll, so with those in account, this would be a distance of 13,824 kilometers.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5glkFSCuMI)
Boomstick: Just like the Eds, the trio regularly harms each other on an everyday basis. This means their strength mirrors their durability. Hell, they can even hurt themselves! Case in point when Patrick beat himself up so SpongeBob could enter the Salty Spitoon, and when SpongeBob cracked his own fingers so hard that he burst into tears.
Wiz: Perfect time to discuss that. The durability for SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward is very clear cut and consistent. On numerous occasions, they have tanked being in the epicenter of explosions that are exactly identical to Operation Crossroads, which was a nuclear test that generated 23 kilotons! That's enough power to destroy a town.
Boomstick: Patrick and Squidward were seemingly fine after getting crushed by the Alaskan Bullworm, a creature who is so big that it crushed Bikini Bottom!
Wiz: Alongside Mr. Krabs, they all withstood the force of the Krusty Towers collapsing, and they are able to take hits from Sandy.
Boomstick: On two occasions, SpongeBob and Patrick have shown they can withstand the heat of the Sun.
Wiz: This is a scorching temperature of 5,778 Kelvin, or 9,940 Fahrenheit!
Boomstick: All three routinely tank getting stung by jellyfish. One scene, they can get stung all over, only to appear fine seconds later.
Wiz: SpongeBob and Squidward endured a heatwave so disastrous that it literally melted SpongeBob's shoes away!
Boomstick: How the hell can that happen? They're underwater.
Wiz: Hey, you didn't complain about the Sun feat.
Boomstick: Fair enough, because Squidward once tanked getting severely burnt by the Krusty Krab's security system.
Wiz: The fire was so heavily pressurized that it blasted right through an entire window and covered all of the Krusty Krab!
Boomstick: And in the same episode, he survived his entire body exploding from eating too many Krabby Patties, causing the whole restaurant to demolish as well!
Wiz: Patrick took several angry beatings from Man Ray, who is powerful enough to blast off buildings. Keep in mind Bikini Bottom's buildings are able to withstand the force of the aforementioned nuclear bombs!
Boomstick: Also, Patrick can casually shove several hooks in his mouth, and even through his anus, without flinching. Reminds me of my ex-wife.
Wiz: Well, can your ex-wife survive crashing into a mountain? Twice?
Boomstick: If she was able to deal with me, then yeah, she could.
Wiz: The trio have consistently shown they can endure atmospheric reentry, with perhaps the most notable example being when SpongeBob experienced it with Sandy. The force was so impacting it caused them to zoom from Burbank, California to Bikini Bottom in less than a few seconds!
Boomstick: SpongeBob was in the epicenter of a Reef Blower explosion, which contained the entire ocean's water, and he survived this without a scratch on him!
Wiz: Squidward once tanked getting kicked by Patrick so hard he circled across the world in seconds.
Boomstick: Who does he think he is -- Mr. Worldwide?
Wiz: I dunno, you tell me.
Boomstick: For speed, Patrick once ran from the ocean floor to the Sun in 11 seconds.
Wiz: This means Patrick can move at 47,808,000,000 miles per hour, or 159.470322632 times the speed of light! This would easily scale past SpongeBob and Squidward, as they normally outmaneuver him.
Boomstick: In fact, all three characters could outrun the Atlanteans, who are immortal aliens that ran over billions of light years to carry a million-year-old bubble.
Wiz: Sadly, the exact timeframe of their journey is unknown, but since it took billions of light years and was described as a harsh adventure, the lowest and fairest timeframe we can assume is that it took 100,000 years, or 20,000 times the speed of light.
Boomstick: SpongeBob could travel from Bikini Bottom to the outside of the Milky Way in 5 seconds, unraveling the galaxy itself into a string afterward.
Wiz: This means he had to move at speeds of 4.11 trillion c!
Boomstick: Sonic the Hedgehog better take notes from this yellow demon.
Wiz: As trippy as this may sound, Squidward could run across a completely empty universe within mere seconds.
Boomstick: Empty universe? Sounds like my bank account.
Wiz: What makes these feats more consistent is how the trio can dodge lasers with ease. Even better is how they can move in tandem with Plankton, who has outmaneuvered lasers as well, and Sandy, who can leap from the Moon to Saturn in a second and dodge The Flying Dutchman's optic beams.
Boomstick: But that's not all! SpongeBob could dodge electric zaps from a Queen Jellyfish robot, despite not sleeping at all the night before.
Wiz: In Code Yellow, SpongeBob pedaled a bicycle so hard he left behind a trail of flames, which, as we described earlier, is a feat that would require one to move at speeds of Mach 5. This is orderly with how Mr. Krabs performed the exact same feat on foot in Safe Deposit Krabs, and Sandy in Prehibernation Week, albeit with a surfboard.
Boomstick: And we can't forget how SpongeBob tagged a plane even though it already took off before he had a chance to arrive at the airport!
Wiz: The average takeoff speed for most commercial planes can range anywhere between 160 to 180 miles per hour.
Boomstick: Think that's all the trio has to flex? Think again. Squidward once ran out of the Krusty Krab so fast he appeared invisible to SpongeBob, Patrick ran from a hungry lion fish without getting bitten, SpongeBob ran from the Barg 'n' Mart to Mrs. Puff's house at least a hundred times in a few seconds, SpongeBob and Patrick briefly outran a pissed Sandy, SpongeBob built his Bubble Stand in a few seconds, Squidward can build up small dust clouds before booking it, AND SpongeBob can cook thousands of Krabby Patties in seconds!
Wiz: When it comes to intelligence, they range from dumbest to smartest just like the Eds. In this case, the order is Patrick, SpongeBob and Squidward.
Patrick
- A lazy, clumsy starfish who takes pride in doing nothing all day, whether it be watching TV or mindlessly eating junk food.
- Once forgot how to eat, and stated whenever he gets nervous, he forgets how to stand up.
- Has trouble doing basic tasks, such as writing his name, applying a wristwatch, and opening a jar (he even thought he broke it when he opened the lid).
- Thinks a pencil is called a "writing stick", and his eyeballs his "looking holes".
- When pet-sitting for Gary, he unknowingly almost killed him.
- Believed in an illness called "Mad Snail Disease" even though he openly fabricated it.
- As shown in two episodes (Naughty Nautical Neighbors and Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost), he knows CPR.
- Was remarkably more intelligent in the earlier seasons, some examples being:
- Giving SpongeBob dating advice and the answers to his boating exam
- Came up with an idea to physically move Bikini Bottom so it wouldn't get crushed by the Alaskan Bullworm (this would've worked had it not been for SpongeBob and Sandy running near a cliff)
- When Sandy was feeling homesick, he was the one who thought of the idea of "bringing Texas to her".
- Despite this, he still receives random moments of geniusness, such as when he and SpongeBob were trapped inside Squidward's stomach, and he came up with an elaborate escape plan.
- Is fully aware he's stupid.
- Told SpongeBob he shouldn't expect his "usual brand of stupidity".
- When Squidward asked how stupid he is, he said "it varies".
- When Sandy asked if he has "anywhere else to be stupid", he replied with, "Not until 4."
SpongeBob
- While SpongeBob is nowhere near as dumb as Patrick, his exact intelligence level is inconsistent, often depending on the plot or joke.
- SpongeBob is generally naive, leaving him open to getting manipulated, whether it be by Squidward, Plankton or Mr. Krabs. However, he is no stranger to standing up for himself once he realizes what someone's true intentions really are, such as when he discovered Mr. Krabs was using him to kidnap jellyfish for profit.
- Expert fry cook.
- Capable of coming up with complex plans on the spot even in the most dire situations. Case in point in his fight with DoodleBob, where he exploited DB's weakness to paper.
- Built a perfect replica of Squidward's house in the span of a day.
- Highly skilled in karate. He is consistently shown to have as much, if not more skills than Sandy. He has even surpassed the likes of Fuzzy Acorns - Sandy's karate instructor, and also the only one with a "blacker belt".
- Constructed a fully functional rocketship out of boat parts within moments.
- Performed an open heart surgery on Squidward, and has solved the problems of three patients while impersonating a doctor.
- Likely a better artist than Squidward.
- Can play the guitar, drums, trumpet, ocarina, flute, and a DJ set.
- Has memorized all of The Krusty Krab's policies.
- Convinced an angry mob to stop fighting so they could perform at the Bubble Bowl for Squidward's sake.
- Can proficiently pilot an airplane and drive a boulder, even though he still doesn't have a driver's license.
- Built a giant clarinet out of kelp.
Squidward
- While not a genius by any means, he is arguably the smartest of the trio, possessing WAY more common sense than SpongeBob and Patrick.
- Talented artist; has made complex paintings and giant sculptures. Though he does suck at playing the clarinet.
- Has easily manipulated SpongeBob and Patrick either out of personal enjoyment, or into doing his bidding, several times.
- Caused SpongeBob to act the opposite of his normal personality so he could get peace and quiet.
- Made them believe he was a ghost, and ordered them to do everything for him.
- Lead SpongeBob to a dangerous prank targeted at him.
- Tricked them into thinking he was the antagonist of a horror movie they were scared of.
- Told SpongeBob the story of a non-existent dead fry cook.
- Came up with two plans that would've gotten the duo eaten by a worm.
- Making loud noises
- Dressing up as steak
- Tricked the duo into thinking a German family was living in their houses.
- Gave Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy cosmetic facelifts.
- Invented jellyfishing.
- Used a reef blower to escape from Tentacle Acres.
- Convinced SpongeBob to go on strike with him, although this did backfire TERRIBLY.
- Attended community college.
- Made everyone believe he was Santa Claus.
- Outsmarted his arch-nemesis, Squilliam Fancyson, on a few occasions.
- Was taught karate by Sandy and SpongeBob, which he used against a thug (though this did get him arrested).
Boomstick: Much like the Eds, SpongeBob and co. possess Toon Force, which we've already explained.
Wiz: This gives them insane abilities, such as regeneration. They have been burnt to ashes, melted to liquid, dismembered, sliced in half, torn to shreds, poofed to mist, reduced to their skeletons, decapitated, flattened and blown up, which they've all healed from in no time flat!
Boomstick: HOWEVER, the gang's most impressive regeneration feat comes from SpongeBob and Patrick, when they were popped like a bubble in two separate episodes, literally erasing their physical selves from existence, only to come back as if nothing happened!
Wiz: This means SpongeBob and Patrick possess a Low-Godly healing factor, meaning they cannot get killed through brute force alone, so to annihilate them for good, you would have to affect their souls! And if you don't think that's overkill enough, both feats would also grant them fairly decent resistance to transmutation.
Boomstick: SpongeBob has the ability to manipulate his environment at his own will, whether it be controlling gravity, driving boulders, summoning bubble transitions to reach faraway destinations in less than a second, and, like we said, even unraveling the entire galaxy with a string!
Wiz: SpongeBob's sponge physiology is incredibly malleable, which not only allows him to shoot projectiles from his pores, and not only does it make him absorb blunt force attacks, and not only does it allow him to make clones of himself, but it also gives him complete control over his body. In true squash-and-stretch fashion, he has elastic limbs that allow him to extend them to faraway distances. Speaking of limbs, he can grow extra arms at will! Not only that, but he has shapeshifting capabilities as well - capable of turning himself into characters and even weapons!
Boomstick: Patrick has surprising telepathic abilities. In one episode, he beat himself up without touching himself, and in another, he literally tickled SpongeBob without moving.
Wiz: SpongeBob possesses the powers of Broadway Force, which causes him to initiate a song and force opponents into it. Believe it or not, but this has actually saved his cubed rear; case in point in the first movie, where he burst into the badass Goofy Goober Rock song when Plankton was about to make Neptune kill him.
Boomstick: He can also bend probability to his own will! When he wished for the sky to rain down a flying ice cream truck, he then wished he could live from the impact. And he fucking did!
Wiz: Plus, he can physically interact with intangible things, such as the Flying Dutchman, clouds, steam, rainbows, sound, and thought bubbles. So good luck trying to possess this yellow demon.
Boomstick: Funny you mention that, 'cause SpongeBob resists mindhax. When Plankton controlled his body into giving him a Krabby Patty, his strong willpower prevented him from doing so. And in another episode, his brain was forced into a robot specifically designed to give Plankton the secret formula, yet he STILL refused. And when he ate shitloads of Jerktonium, which caused all of Bikini Bottom to turn bitter, he didn't feel jackshit!
Wiz: Don't think this sponge is scary enough? Well, guess what - he has his own mind-centered powers as well. He can travel into people's dreams, read minds, and transmits his own thoughts to others.
Boomstick: While it's no doubt SpongeBob is the most skilled in karate out of all three, the rest of the trio actually have skills in karate. Patrick was taught by SpongeBob, and Squidward taught by Sandy. SpongeBob is skilled enough to outmatch Sandy and unknowingly stomp Fuzzy Acorn, who owns the best karate belt of them all - the BLACKER Belt!
Wiz: We have no idea how useful this would be in a fight, but Squidward can shoot out ink from his tentacles. Ironic considering he's an octopus.
Boomstick: Patrick has buttocks made of motherfucking STEEL, which are tough enough to shatter two wrestlers to pieces, both of whom were clearly stronger than him and SpongeBob.
Wiz: Both him and SpongeBob can manipulate sand to their own leisure, which is extremely useful in combat considering they made stuff like tanks, nukes, castles, henchmen and fighter jets.
Boomstick: When it comes to equipment, oh sweet Jesus are they armed to the damn teeth. First and foremost are SpongeBob and Patrick's most iconic items - their jellyfishing nets.
Wiz: That wouldn't be the only jellyfish-related item here, because SpongeBob owns a Jellyfish Launcher, which does exactly what you think it'd do.
Boomstick: Both him and Patrick own reef blowers, which is basically the underwater version of leaf blowers. Sounds harmless, right? Well, they are powerful enough to suck the entire ocean dry within a second!
Thanks to Amelia Lonelyheart from the VS Battles Wiki, this feat is worth 21 Yottatons of TNT. This calc would make the reef blower Large Planet level.
Wiz: With the Magic Pencil, SpongeBob can bring anything he draws to life, ranging from creatures, to weapons, to interdimensional portals. Of course, it comes with an eraser, which he used to get rid of DoodleBob. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't just a one-off item; in Doodle Dimension, SpongeBob has shown he can summon a new pencil with his bare hands.
Boomstick: His Magic Book allows anything written to become a reality. He wouldn't need to worry about anybody stealing it during a fight, since he literally has a spare page lodged in his brain. As for how powerful this book is, Bubbles the Dolphin, who is the official watcher of the galaxy, stated it has potential to destroy the entire universe, which is all we need to say. I mean, dayum!
Wiz: Squidward naturally carries around his clarinet with him a lot, which can not only stun opponents with his horrible skills, but it can even put people to sleep if he plays a relaxing tune!
Boomstick: He also has Snail Plasma, which will quickly turn the target into a helpless snail. Good thing he doesn't have a salt container...
Wiz: With SpongeBob and Patrick's pop gun, they can trap opponents underneath nets that were originally intended to harvest moon rocks. While it does carry infinite ammo, it does need to be recharged before shooting again.
Boomstick: And with Mermaid Man's belt, SpongeBob can shrink all of Bikini Bottom, engulf people in fire and cut others in half. And it can change the M for mini, to W for wumbo. Sorta.
Wiz: Invisible Spray is exactly what it says. Used by SpongeBob and Patrick to scare everybody in town, the effects can be reversed if water is splashed on them.
Boomstick: Wait, what the fuck? But they're UNDERWATER!!!!
Wiz: SpongeBob's Sponge Bowl is a yellow bowling ball used to flatten enemies, which can become a spiked ball and detonate everything that's nearby. And with his Sonic Wave Guitar, he sends a wave of energy to long distances that can destroy opponents.
Boomstick: But most importantly, SpongeBob never forgets to carry his bubble container & wand with him at all costs. His bubbles are more dangerous than you'd expect, as it can be used as bombs, create lifeforms, remove opponents from the battlefield area, and of course, burn the eyes of others.
Wiz: His bubbles are strong enough to contain all of Bikini Bottom, as well as Pearl, who is a sperm whale. Sperm whales can weigh anywhere up to 62 tons.
Boomstick: Oh yeah, he also always has his trustworthy spatula, Spat, which he uses as a blade weapon.
Wiz: SpongeBob and co. don't sell short in transformations either, because there's THE QUICKSTER! With the uncanny ability to run really...quick!
SpongeBob: Wanna see me run to that mountain and back? Ya wanna see me do it again?
Boomstick: Captain Magma! Get him angry and he's bound to erupt!
Squidward: KRAKATOA!!!
Wiz: The Elastic Waistband! Able to stretch his body into fantastic shapes and forms!
Patrick: I can finally touch my toes!
Boomstick: And thanks to the Magic Book, the trio can become The Invincibubble, which is SpongeBob's superhero form that can make unpoppable bubbles and shoot them like bullets...
Wiz: ...Sour Note, Squidward's superhero form that creates glass-shattering clarinet tunes...
Boomstick: ...and Mr. Superawesomeness, Patrick's hero form that summons ice cream. Goddamn, are they unstoppable?!
Wiz: Well, funny you mention that; they DO have flaws.
Boomstick: SpongeBob is generally pacifistic and is more of a defensive fighter than an offensive one, although this can change if his life is on the line. He is very naive, leading him to easily getting manipulated, and he rarely takes anything serious when he should.
Wiz: Squidward is extremely stubborn, lazy, egotistical and short-tempered. Despite being the smartest of the trio, he himself isn't immune to getting fooled.
Boomstick: And last but not least, Patrick is moronic to high degrees, to where he probably wouldn't even know he's in a fight. He is prone to getting himself in life-threatening situations, and he's not a strategist at all.
Wiz: But ultimately, SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward are more dangerous than they look. They can make up for their flaws with what they can do in a fight if you're not careful enough.
Squidward: Why does every 11 minutes of my life have to be filled with misery?! WHY?!
SpongeBob: Cheer up, Squid, it could be worse!
Patrick: Yeah, you could be bald and have a big nose.
Squidward: (his head deflates) Welp. This is the end.
SpongeBob: No it's not, Squidward.
Patrick: (building three coffins) It's not?
Intermission[]
A coin was flipped, and it landed on tails, meaning SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward will reign the homefield advantage for this fight.
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!!
Pre-Fight[]
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0BdQkzx1WI)
As the day started with a beautiful panning shot of Bikini Atoll, the ocean waves could be heard crashing into the surface, and seagulls chirping from a distance. "Ah, ze early afternoon view of Bikini Bottom," the French Narrator said as the camera dwelled underwater. "A teeming undersea town home to the renowned restaurant, ze Krusty Krab. Let's see what kind of trouble our friend, SpongeBob, is stirring up today."
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbn7uxA0k4k)
At the Krusty Krab, it was lunch rush hour, the busiest time of day for the business. A large, impatient crowd had formed behind the counter. Local obese nerd, Bubble Bass, was up next to order.
"Let me guess, Redditor," Squidward snarked. "A small salad?"
"I'll take a double triple bossy deluxe on a raft," Bubble Bass said. "Four by four animal style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim."
Silence.
"We serve food here, sir," Squidward informed before sighing as he faced the kitchen's window. "SpongeBob! I need a Krabby Patty with twenty-four of everything."
"One Krabby Patty!" SpongeBob gleefully sang from the kitchen. "Coming riiiiight up!" Knowing this was going to be quite the largest order in all day, he prepared to give his grill an old-fashioned "spit shine", which is how we would clean it since Mr. Krabs was too damn cheap to get proper cleaning products for the restaurant. He licked the top, and then stuck his tongue out, revealing a burnt tongue. "Okay, now it's as good as new! Now to do what I do best - fry cooking!" He grew several extra limbs and set down numerous patties on the grill, which he began flipping all at once.
Back in the front of the restaurant, it was a madhouse. Customers were trying to rush a blonde-haired, SUV-owning female fish, who had been requesting to "speak with the manager".
"I FOUND A TOMATO IN MY KRABBY PATTY!" the fish shouted in front of Squidward's face. "HOW CAN YOU CALL THIS A RESTAURANT?!"
"Well, first off," Squidward replied. "I'm just a minimum wage cashier, so I had no part in this. Secondly, you could've just removed the tomato, and third, the cook's in the kitchen. Yell at him, not me."
"THAT'S IT!" she insisted. "I AM NEVER COMING BACK HERE AGAIN!"
Suddenly, Patrick crawled up to the counter. "Uhh, Squidward? My drawing mat tore. Could you give me another one? Also, I ate my yellow crayon."
Squidward facepalmed and grunted in annoyance.
(https://youtu.be/AoXJEXdu2iE?t=159)
At the top of the ocean, three young boys otherwise known as Ed, Edd/Double D and Eddy sailed in with a canoe. "Okay, boys, you know the drill," Eddy told his friends. "This spot of the ocean is home to rare sea creatures. Once we capture 'em, we can sell 'em for twice the amount, and then BINGO, BABY! We'll be rich!"
"Affirmitive, Eddy," Double D said. "I just hope it's enough for my college funds."
"But, Double D," Ed said. "College kills your creativity and overall passion for life, because it's nothing more than a money trap. College students are just interchangeable pieces of the soul-crushing American education system."
Both Double D and Eddy stared in amazed silence.
"Also, I'm out of gravy."
"Whatever!" Eddy barked. "Let's get moving here!"
The Eds took out bait worms and attached it to their fishing rod's hooks. They reeled their lines deep into the ocean and anticipated for a tug.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj6-lYYbBtY)
"Uhhh..." Old Man Jenkins said. "I can't decide what to order."
"You already ordered," Squidward responded. "DON'T RUSH ME, YOUNG LADY!!!" the elderly fish shouted.
As SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward were doing three different tasks at once, they suddenly felt tugs on their respective clothes.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfG8pP1_K7k)
"What the-?!" they questioned. Before they knew it, the trio crashed through the Krusty Krab's ceiling, and they found themselves getting lifted in the air by hooks. They screamed in terror. "Oh, SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sorta liked you!" Squidward said as his dying words.
(https://youtu.be/AoXJEXdu2iE?t=97)
Back on the surface, the Eds felt tight tugs on their hooks. "I know it's a cliche, but EUREKA!" Eddy exclaimed. "I think we hit a jackpot, boys!"
"Oh, this is delightful, Eddy!" Double D said. "But...they feel rather lightweight, don't you think?"
The boys reeled out their fishing lines to reveal the sponge, starfish and octopus trio. "Oh my! What a magnificent discovery!" Double D happily uttered. "I wonder how valuable this specimen is."
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SeQFwtS2DA)
The first thing SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward did was scream bloody murder again. 'We have to get out of here!" SpongeBob shrieked. He and his friends tried to book it, but Eddy pointed a finger gun at them. "Where the heck are you fish-faces going?!" he asked in an aggressive manner. "We didn't sail all the way out here for nothin'!"
"I'm sorry, sir," SpongeBob told Eddy. "But we are not going to risk being dinners on your plates!" As the undersea trio tried to dive back into the water, Eddy grabbed him by the back of his head. "You and your friends ain't goin' anywhere!" he barked. Then, he turned his attention to his friends. "HEY! Don't just stand there and watch! We have to teach them a lesson!"
"On it, Eddy!" Ed replied, letting out a giggle.
"Eddy, I don't think violence is the answer," Double D worryingly told him. "We've caused a sufficient amount of inhuman disturbances already. I suggest we allow them to return home and that we fish elsewh-"
"Do it, Sockhead, or we're playing Punch Buggy on the way back home!"
Double D sighed. "Okay, Eddy. But I know I'm going to despise this." He got into an incorrect fighting stance.
"Oh no!" the French Narrator cried. "Please don't tell me this episode is part of that Death Battle series! Can't you guys just get along?!"
"SHUT IT!" Eddy barked at the Narrator.
Fight![]
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz-Sstui9yc)
Eddy quickly pedaled the canoe to Bikini Atoll's surface for a better fight location, and upon arrival (which only took two seconds), everybody leaped onto the island and got into proper combat positions. SpongeBob took out his karate gear, Patrick puffed his chest, Squidward cracked his non-existent knuckles, Ed drooled, Double D shivered in fright, and Eddy put up his fists.
"If a fight is what you want," SpongeBob challenged. "Then a fight is what you'll get! I won't let you capture my friends and I!"
"Enough talking, Cheese Head! You've angered me enough!" Eddy shouted. "Let's get this over with!"
The trio rushed towards each other and found themselves in a rapid flurry of punches, creating a comical fight cloud. SpongeBob grabbed Eddy's hair strands, Ed was biting Patrick's leg, and Squidward was tugging Double D's ski hat. "Please, let go!" Double D pleaded. "You don't want to know what's under there!"
"I don't think so!" Squidward taunted. He ripped the ski hat off, but nobody was in for a pleasant surprise. "BALD! BALD! BALD! BALD!" everybody (except DD, of course) said in a tone that made it sound like they were hypnotized. Double D blushed in embarrassment and quickly put the hat back on.
SpongeBob got up and delivered a kick to Eddy's face, which sent him back and made him cover his bruised nose. "Oh boy, I love kah-rah-tay!" SpongeBob expressed in joy. Eddy became more pissed than ever and clenched his palms into fists. "This reminds me of the time when Sandy and I were-"
Eddy swung his fist at SpongeBob, who immediately disappeared.
"Hey, watch it, buddy! You almost hit me!"
The scammer turned his head around in clear confusion, and he became shocked when he realized the sponge managed to teleport.
"Now where was I? Oh yeah! So it all began when I-"
He attempted to land another punch, but SpongeBob was nowhere to be seen, until it turned out he was sitting on top of Eddy's head.
"Stop that! I'm about to get to the best part."
Eddy grunted in frustration and threw SpongeBob off. Then, he prepared to land a stronger punch - one that surely wouldn't miss.
"Don't you want to hear the rest?"
WHACK! Eddy's fist met SpongeBob's abdomen. However, the impact made a squishing sound and bounced right off of his skin, which made Eddy's punch backfire by hitting himSELF in the face.
"Bahahahahaha! That tickles!"
"What the heck?!" Eddy asked. He kicked the sponge across the head, hoping it would work, but it was futile. All of his hits were absorbed, and they only tickled the naive fry cook. Suddenly, SpongeBob remembered this wasn't a time for fun and games - this kid was trying to capture him and his best friends. "Okay, now it's my turn!" SpongeBob challenged, in a more serious tone. "Show me what you got, peabrain!" Eddy shouted, accepting the challenge.
SpongeBob swung his karate glove at Eddy's neck, delivering a harsh karate chop to the throat. Eddy yelped in agony and body-slammed SpongeBob with all of his weight. They began rolling on the floor and wrestled each other. The fry cook desperately tried to get the scammer off of him, but the only thing that happened was his own arms popping off of their sockets. "Oh well," SpongeBob nonchalantly reassured himself as he grew a new set of arms. "Good thing I'm a two-dimensional sponge!"
"Pshhh, you act like you're the only one who can grow limbs around here," Eddy scoffed. "Well, it's not the case, buster! Prepare to turn into a sponge cake!" Eddy took out his trustworthy Bowling Ball Cannon and shot out as much as he could towards Nickelodeon's mascot. The sponge quickly whipped out his spatula and deflected each bowling ball. Eddy couldn't help but stop shooting and laugh. "A spatula?! What are you? An idio-" SpongeBob slashed Eddy across his chest and literally absorbed him.
Eddy was trapped inside of SpongeBob no that's not a vore reference. "GET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU STUPID, BUCK-TOOTHED, POROUS FREAK!!!!" Eddy demanded. He tried punching his way out, which eventually made a hole. He leaped out of it and stretched his arms all over the place. SpongeBob did the same thing, hoping to confuse the scammer, but before they knew it, their arms were tangled into each other. "Oh, barnacles!" SpongeBob cursed. "Watch your mouth, twerp," Eddy ordered. "I'm no saint, but there's kids watching this!" They untangled their arms and ended up slapping each other unintentionally. They got back up rather quickly.
SpongeBob took out not one, but two of his other trustworthy items: a bubble container and wand. "Hey, wanna learn how to blow a bubble?" he asked. "No, I don't wanna learn how to blow a stinkin' bubble!" Eddy mocked. Completely ignoring him, SpongeBob went in for his ever-so famous technique anyway...right after he took a quarter out of Eddy's pocket. "Bubble lessons are twenty-five cents for beginners," SpongeBob said. "Hey! That was my jawbreaker money, you giddy lunatic!" Eddy barked.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AlLZ-OASQU)
"First, go like thiiiiiiiis. Spin around, stop! Double take three times! One, two, three! Aaaaaaaaaand, pelvic thrust! Whoooooooooo! WHOOOOOOOOO!"
Eddy studied him in complete and utter confusion. "Stomp on your right foot, DON'T FORGET IT! Now it's time to bring it around town! Bring it around tooooown! Then you do this! And that! Andthisandthatandthisand-" After muttering incoherent gibberish, SpongeBob blew numerous bubbles into Eddy's eyes. "MY EYES!" the scammer screamed, his eyes making it look like he had smoked some weed.
Trivia[]
- The connections between Ed, Edd n Eddy and SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward are that they are dysfunctional trios from 1999 cartoons consisting of an incredibly dumb, friendly brute (Ed and Patrick), the lovable, weak softie (Edd/Double D and SpongeBob) and the greedy, short-tempered egotist (Eddy and Squidward). They come from kooky worlds where they usually have to fend off the arrogant, green antagonist (Kevin and Plankton) from obtaining an addicting food item (jawbreakers and Krabby Patties).
- The fight would be made in hand-drawn animation.
- The track title would be Bikini Creek.