Duke Nukem VS Gordon Freeman a What If? Death Battle and the 6th battle of NEWChristianthepupbot.
Description []
3D Realms VS Valve. Many people are famous for many different things, but these two gunslingers are notable for their classic alien killing. Can Duke Nukem free Gordon's skull from his skin, or will Freeman destroy the balls of steel? NOT IN THAT WAY.
Intro[]
Wiz: Legacy. Whether it's from changing the world or making a popular song, no matter good or bad, everyone can and will leave one.
Boomstick: Wanna know what I'm known for?
Wiz: The show we've been running for a deca-
Boomstick: DRINKING 5 GALLEONS OF BEER! But not everyone can be fun. Some people wanna get their legacy by shooting aliens in the face...Wait, that sounds way better!
Boomstick: Duke Nukem, The Ultimate Alien Asskicker.
Wiz: And Gordon Freeman, The One Free Man.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skill to find out who would win A DEATH BATTLE.
Duke Nukem[]
Shows DEATH BATTLE Who's King.
Boomstick: He's big, he's bad, he's awesome! Everyone, please welcome Duke Nukem.
Wiz: As your standard action hero, Duke Nukem has been through it all. Robots and aliens alike.
____________
BACKGROUND
-Height: 6'4''
-Weight: 240 Ibs.
-Age: 29
-Earth's Saviour
-Likes Watching Oprah
-Often Quotes Action Movie Heroes
-Never has any bubblegum to chew.
___________
Wiz: Duke is a legend around Earth. A last resort to stopping anyone who dare meddle with the world. Even if there crime is minorly inconveniencing them. Like interrupting his TV time or "shooting up his ride." …Which was also a flying car.
Boomstick: His first major mission was stopping Dr. Proton, an evil scientist who got exposed to radiation and then decided to take over the world. Jesus, with all these professors deciding that a dictator would be a better job, you'd think they'd finally pay them more.
Wiz: Some things age too well, Boomstick.
Boomstick: Well, no alien race or professor has ever stayed on Earth long thanks to Duke's weapon stash. He's not going into battle with just movie references your dad knows. He's got a weapon collection I'd love to steal if I wasn't afraid of Duke's "duke" shot down my headless throat.
Wiz:...EEEEEEeeeeeew...Anyway, Duke has been saving the world many times over, so it would make sense he would have an insane arsenal to back it up.
____________
STANDARD WEAPONRY
-Pistols (Standard, Blacktail and Desert Eagle)
-Shotguns (Standard, Double Barrel, Assault and Explosive)
-Chain Guns
-Minigun
-Bombs (Pipe, Laser Detonated, Holy Hand Grenade)
-Flamethrowers
-Crossbow
-Mighty Foot
__________
Boomstick: Duke carriers any kind of pistol you can think of. Desert Eagles, Blacktails, the lot. However, that's nothing compared to his shotgun stash. He's got your standard Double Barrels and Assaults, but then you get to the ridiculous stuff like explosive rounds!
Wiz: While explosive bullets aren't exactly fiction, real ones have shown nowhere near the destruction of what Nukem has in his arsenal.
Boomstick: Oh, you're after destruction? Try the chain guns he has. Also explosive, of course, a minigun...You know, I always wondered why they called it a minigun if it's so god damn large!
Wiz: Actually, it's because in the military, calling your firearm "a gun" is discouraged. The title "gun" is much more suited for much, much larger weapons no human can really carry into battle.
Boomstick: Damn, I wish I learned that before they kicked me out of the military.
Wiz: Why did they...Actually, that's an unnecessary question. Anyway, guns aren't the only thing he's comfortable with in battle. He'll happily bring crossbows, flamethrowers, and bombs, some of which which can be remotely detonated; along with Monty Python's Holy Hand Grenade, And perhaps his most trusted weapon...himself.
Boomstick: Damn right! The Mighty Foot is the most badass thing Duke's ever come up with. He'll kick and alien open with it. Hell, he's a living weapon himself. He can lift a full 600 pounds! That's 600 more pounds than Wiz can do!
Wiz: Ugh...Well, it's not that impressive. The weightlifting champion (as of 2020) Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson can lift over 1000 pounds.
Boomstick: Well, what about when he ripped off an alien's head?
Wiz: Oh...right. Doing that a regular human should take well around 9000 joules, but that giant alien obviously isn't some regular human.
(Music: Duke Nukem Forever Theme)
Wiz: What happened after that head ripping gets us to a good point, however, Duke's attitude. Nukem is extremely cocky, giving quote after quote, even during battle.
_____
I'm an equal opportunity asskicker!
I'm not gonna fight you. I'm going to kick your ass.
It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of gum.
_____
Boomstick: Yeah, what's wrong with being cocky? He's clearly shown the power of a tank.
Wiz: I just always found it...annoying.
Boomstick: ANNOYING? It's called personality, Wiz. What, do you want him to recite Spearshake or whatever during battle?
Wiz: I mean, most of them aren't even his quotes. Ever seen any 80s movie? That's where he got them.
Boomstick: Oh, and you're so original yourself! Deadliest Warrior ring any bells? Congrats on disrespecting my hero.
Wiz: Ugh...Let's just get to the sci-fi weapons.
Boomstick: OH GOODIE!
_______
ADVANCED WEAPONRY:
-Jetpack
-Rocket Launchers
-Shrinker
-Holoduke
-Devastator
-Freezer
-Thundergun X3000
-Laserguns (This, This, This, This, and This)
_______
Boomstick: As if Duke's arsenal wasn't crazy enough, he's got more. RPGs, some of which home at people; Ripper, my favourite of his chain guns; Incinerator, which burns everything; and The Freezer...I've give you one good guess to what that could do.
Wiz: If you want some non-gun materials, he can fly around with his Jetpack. Increase his strength with...steroids.
Boomstick: Don't do drugs, kids.
Wiz: And there's a Holoduke, a fake hologram that Duke Nukem. It even makes the real Duke invisible. The Shrinker, one of Duke's more iconic weapons, can shrink enemies down small enough to be squished and himself.
Boomstick: But it wouldn't be a Sci-Fi list of weapons without Lasers. And Nukem has...all of them. Rapid fire, beam, chargeable, even the Thundergun X3000. But all that pales to my favourite of his weapons, The Devastator. This beautiful baby is a gun holding mini-stinger missiles, up to 99 of them! Anyone messing with Duke is going to get the last treat of their lives.
______
FEATS
-Has taken down entire armies by himself.
__________
Wiz: Like any FPS protagonist in the 90s, Duke is capable of outrunning his own rockets, which should travel at 1062 Km/h. He's also capable of taken those kinds of blasts head on.
Boomstick: With his bare hands he can bash bastards to bits, doom durable metal doors, and bust through...big...beautiful walls? I don't know where I can go with this. Point is, he's freaking strong as hell.
Wiz: He can dodge bullets, has saved humanity multiple times and has even done sex for a long...Do we really need the sex feats? This'll definitely get this paged banned from DBFW.
Boomstick: But it's coooool!
Wiz: Ugh...Which brings us to his weaknesses. Duke is not a strategist. He's extremely cocky, and his mind easily drifts off to thinking about "the babes."
Boomstick: Well, the babes love him back. He did "it" with 169 women in a row to repopulate the Earth (Link unavailable due to big freakin' tiddies)
Wiz: Jesus Christ this is the most risky analysis since...ever. I mean, the logistics of over 170 Duke Nukems running around Earth. Child support has to be through the roof...Not like he can afford it due to the bomb that was Duke Nukem Forever.
Boomstick: We both agreed never to bring that up.
Wiz: 15 years of development just to kill a character's reputation.
Boomstick: It's called shitty directors. If they were competent, We'd have Duke Nukem 20 by now.
Wiz: That's even worse.
Boomstick: Oh really? Well I'm sure your little scientist hero coming up is so perfect and has no flaws what so ever. (This only sounds biased because you haven't seen Gordon's full bio yet). Anyways, Duke Nukem is a badass savior with balls of steal ready to take down anyone. If you think you can take Earth by storm, prepare to hail to the king.
_______________________
"It's time to abort your whole freakin' species."
Gordon Freeman[]
Gordon Freeman is the Rises and Shines for DEATH BATTLE!
Wiz: Gordon Freeman. A theoretical physicist from Seattle.
Boomstick: Black Mesa, A research facility in New Mexico.
Wiz: Proof that the right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. Black Mesa was testing a machine, hoping to crack the code for teleportation. However, they had accidentally opened a portal to an alien world, Xen.
Boomstick: I hate it when that happens. Anyways, Gordon was tasked with putting a strange crystal in their huge machine in hopes of getting a break through. What could possibly go wrong?
____________
BACKGROUND
-Age: 27
-Height: 6'2
-Weight: 192 Ibs
-Man of few words
-Called "The One Free Man"
-Hates Microwaved Casserole
-"Hired" by The G-Man...kind of
______________
Boomstick: This is what happens when you put people who just complain about ties in charge of changing humanity forever.
Wiz: This was a Resonance Cascade, a scenario most thought was impossible. It caused the Black Mesa incitant, reshaping human history by merging Xen and Earth around Black Mesa.
Boomstick: Good Job, guys!...Oh, wait, by that you meant it would cause aliens to invade Earth and attack the faculty. And then the US Military showed up and did what the US Military does best and caused more problems.
Wiz: At the center of it all was Freeman, miraculously alive and ready to survive, escape, or stop the invasion once and for all. Whatever came first.
________________
STANDARD WEAPONRY
-Crowbar
-Pistol
-.357 Magnum
-Assault Rifle
-Submachine Gun
-Shotgun
-Crossbow
-Grenades
___________
Boomstick: Gordon has all the guns you'd expect a 1st person shooter to have. Your pistols, your shotguns, your assault rifles. Anything he could have really gotten his hands on in the chaos that was Black Mesa. He also has normal grenades and those laser tripwire grenades. Of course, it's not all that. He also has an extremely overpowered magnum and crossbow, and an SMG that also shoots grenades...somehow.
Wiz: Interestingly, Gordon had limited experience with firearms. While he did have some training with them, it clearly wasn't enough to work through 2 entire armies. That's likely why his favourite weapon in his arsenal is actually a regular crowbar. This staple of his character can break anything. Vents, barrels. In 3 short swings, he can even completely destroy wooden crates, and can break skulls.
Boomstick: Melee weapons in a gunfight? Doesn't sound Mary Sue-ish at all.
Wiz: Well, maybe it's because of his main form of armour.
Boomstick: Ah, yes! The H.I.V SUIT!
Wiz: The H.E.V suit is a project by Black Mesa used to explore hazardous environments with minimal danger. It's managed to protect Gordon from being in the center of the cascade, as well as bullets and even explosions.
Boomstick: Yeah, but that thing comes with a limited battery. Still, it was enough for him to power through the military, the aliens, make it to Xen and beat up...Space baby god?
Wiz: However, this feat would have attached some...unfortunate attention from a mysterious man.
(Music Stop)
____________________
____________________
Wiz: This nameless being who many call The G-Man was extremely interested in Freeman.
Boomstick: (Whistle).
Wiz: Not like that.
Boomstick: Yeah, jokes aside, this guy is creepy as hell. He can stop time, time travel, all that cool stuff, but he was just really, really creepy. Lucky for Gordon, G-Man was impressed by him surviving the absolute insanity of Black Mesa. So he gave him a job interview and offered him to either work for him or die a horrible death...Hey, isn't that how we were hired?
Wiz: Indeed it was. Freeman accepted this offer and was promptly put to sleep...For a full 17 years.
Boomstick: He eventually woke up, but found himself in a dictatorship run by an alien race where sex is banned. Luckily for him, he managed to steal some of the soldiers weapons because this guy can't do anything original.
_________________
ADVANCED WEAPONS
-RPG
_______________
Wiz: After meeting rebels in the future, Gordon obtained on of his most iconic weapons, The Gravity Gun. While overall unimpressive when it comes to combat capability, it can still negate weight itself and also Gordon to toss around objects like cars, which weigh on average a ton and a half.
Boomstick: But the doesn't fight by throwing cars. Him and the combines he's fighting carry things like SMGs with added grenade, and even Pulse Rifles. More on those later. And of course, a trusty RPG that's actually laser guided. Have fun playing with your cat with one of those. Going back to Black Mesa, the Tau Cannon is an energy based gun that...shoots...uranium.
Wiz: That's not actually Freeman's strangest weapon choice. He's actually experienced fight wars using living aliens. He carries around Snarks, small bug-like aliens; Bug Bait, which can summon Ant-Lions; and...the Hive Hand.
Boomstick: It's a small creature that goes on your hand and shoots bees at people. My only question is how it-OOOOH GOD MAKE IT STOP...Real inspirational hero you have, Wiz.
Wiz: Ummm...And then there's the Gluon Gun. It's an intense energy weapon that can blow any creature to bits. It's the most powerful weapon in Freeman's arsenal and...certainly a lot cleaner.
__________________
FEATS
-Fought Xen Aliens, The Military and The Combine with little preparation.
-Can take a Combine Weapons, more on that later.
________________
Wiz: Thanks to the suit, Gordon has been able to survive attacks that would kill any normal person. Bullets, rockets, you name it. It can even survive energy from the Combine. How powerful are the combine's weaponry? Well, they consistently vaporize people. The energy required to do something like that is estimated to be around 292 million joules! That's 3000 times more powerful than a lightning bolt!
Boomstick: And he's quick enough to outrun an explosion, which would take a speed of, at the very least, 3000 KM/H, faster than 12 times faster than the fastest car in the entire world. Damn, maybe if he had that suit in high school, he would have picked up...anyone.
Wiz: What do you mean by that.
Boomstick: He'd be nowhere without the suit. Hell, it's not even that good in the first place, you have to constantly charge it or look for batteries. He doesn't even have any combat training! Look, loser nerd suddenly gets super powerful and beats up the military, aliens, and Not-1984, and everyone loves him and worships him like a symbol and even the main villain wants him at his side. That doesn't sound like a self insert fanfic to you?
Wiz: AND DUKE ISN'T?
Boomstick: He earned his strength with American Muscle. Plus, it's not a self-insert fanfic if it's awesome.
Wiz: Gordon Freeman was also in Half-Life, in Half-Life 2, and he'll be awesome in Half-Life 3 (Written in January 2021).
Boomstick: Oh, great. Say, how long has that game been in development limbo?
Wiz: (Typing sounds) Fif...Teen...Years....
Boomstick: My hero had the manners to at least get his game released...
Wiz: Umm...Umm...An inspiration to Aliens and Humans alike, Gordon Freeman is proof one man can make all the difference in the world.
_________________________
Eli: "Come on Gordon, we have work to do."
Gordon picks up the crowbar.
Nuked Life[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!
______________
We enter a wide, long hallway covered by greyish-blueish walls and a white floor. It looks like a laboratory. A foot steps near the camera, it’s a black boot connected to blue jeans. The camera rises to show a blond man with sunglasses; Duke Nukem.
Duke Nukem begins his quest down the hallway, pistol close at hand, until he hears some kind of mumbling. The mumbling is coming from a large pair of double doors in the hallway. He runs towards it and busts down the double doors and holds up his gun.
Duke: Put your hands up and your babes down!
He pauses to see a strange sight. A warehouse-like location complete with two large metal rectangles used for shipment and a few other transport containers next to each other. But the most unusual sight is two men. A pale one with a blue suit, and a glasses-wearing man in orange armour; Gordon Freeman. The hero lowers his gun.
Duke: Sorry to interrupt the conversation. I was just kicking ass.
The blue-suited man approached Nukem calmly and explained.
G-Man: Ah, Mr. Nukem, in the flesh. It’s good you’ve shown up at this...time. Me and Doctor Freeman were just discussing...training.
Duke: I’m already a Grade-A Asskicker, so no need.
(Music: Black Mesa - We've Got Hostiles (remix by Morch Kovalski))
G-Man: I do not doubt your...skills...but my e-e-e-employers were...curious about how well Doctor Freeman would do against a human of your...reputation.
Gordon is somewhat shocked by this proposal, did he need to fight this innocent ma-
Duke: This four-eyed nerd? Is that really a question?
The scientist then equipped his crowbar, holding it close, and looked at his opponent. Duke cocked his gun and aimed. G-Man stepped out of the way.
Duke: Alright then, but be warned, his face and his ass will be in the same place when we’re done!
G-Man:...I’ll be seeing one of you...eventually.
The strange man simply walks off the screen as the two ready their weapons…
FIGHT![]
(0:27)
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Duke’s pistol sounded as bullets fired, however, they were not the only thing moving. Gordon ran, two bullets passing him while only one hit his suit with little effect. All of a sudden, he is close to Nukem. He raises his crowbar and smacks him across the face.
DING! DING!
Just before a third hit is made, the ass-kicker catches Freeman’s wrist and looks at him.
Duke: Power armour is for pussies.
He then gives Gordon a mighty foot directly to the chest plate, sending him away. Gordon slides on his feet, now away from Duke.
HEV: Power; Sixty Percent.
The Badass pulls his gun once again and fires. Gordon then turns and runs from the bullets, leaping from the ground and jumping over a nearby box. Once his cover is secure, he fires his pistol at the hero. The bullets are dodged
Growing tired of the pistol duel, Duke accesses his shotgun, holding it and firing, completely destroying the box Gordon was taking cover behind. He then fires again, so Gordon runs and hides behind a shipping container.
Duke: You’re being both a coward for running and smart for running!
The red tank top wearer starts chasing after the scientist, reaching where Gordon would have hidden. He turns to his left but sees that Gordon isn’t there. He then feels a presence behind him and Gordon runs from between the shipping containers and fires his shotgun.
Duke then fires his shotgun, the shells hitting each other. Duke stretches his arm to fire another blast, but Gordon dodges to the left as the gun fires. The armored raises his shotgun closer to Duke’s face, but Nukem uses his shotgun as a bat and hits the one free man before Gordon can fire.
The hero sends a kick to Freeman, shoving him back. The blond then pulls a grenade and throws it. The grenade lands on the ground...and...
BOOM!
The scientist is thrown back and hits the wall in injury. His suit then speaks to him.
HEV: Power; 25%, seek medical attention.
The man in glasses turns his injured head to see an HEV Charging Station near the entrance of the warehouse. He gets up and runs to it.
Emerging from the grenade smoke, Duke Nukem readies two guns; A Desert Eagle and a Black Tail. He doesn’t see his opponent, so he goes around the shipping containers to see Gordon charging at a machine.
The man walks over and started firing his guns. Gordon noticed the gunfire and, while still charging, pulls his assault rifle. He pulls the trigger. Duke notices this and gets on the ground with a cover of boxes so he won’t get shot.
The scientist is almost done charging his suit when a deep voice sounds in the distance.
Duke: One...Two...FIVE!
From the boxes, a grenade with a cross on top of it launches into the air and was on the path to land near Freeman. Luckily…
HEV: Power Level is 100%.
Gordon dashes off as the grenade hits the ground, going 15 feet away from the explosion.
BOOM!
Doctor Freeman is slightly tripped up while running. Duke then kicks all his hiding boxes away and looks at Gordon, getting up.
Duke: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.
A yellow arrow is fired from a crossbow, and Duke instantly catches it. He then pulled an explosive shotgun.
Duke: Now get outta my sight!
He fires and Gordon jumps out of the way as explosions are created. The armour-wearer then pulls out an SMG and starts fires at Duke while running away from him. Duke catches up while firing the shotgun, hoping to hit. Neither of the fighter's bullets hit their opponent and instead hit the walls.
The shipping container is what Gordon goes around as Duke follows him. He turns another corner and Duke goes around there, ready to run and keep firing. But that’s when Duke feels his foot hit something between the two shipping containers.
Duke: Huh?
He looks down and sees a C4 pa-
BOOM!
From between the shipping containers, Gordon sees the smoke. He then pulls his magnum, as you can never be too sure. He points it at the smoke cloud as it fades, revealing a strange-looking man in a red tank top and shades who stands completely still.
Duke?: Hey, I’m D-D-Duke Nu-Nu-I am Duke Nuke Them. Time to eat vegetables and brush my teeth.
Gordon does not shoot, instead, he looks in confusion. He then looks at the empty space behind him.
A clear figure distorting the space around them wonders, holding a shotgun. They turn their head towards the containers, and between them, sees Gordon. He walks up and goes into firing position, but stops as he hears beeping. The invisible Duke then looks down to see a laser tripwire...That he stepped in.
BOOM!
The explosion launched him back as he hit one of the beams supporting the catwalk. Just as he was collecting himself, Gordon runs up, crowbar in hand.
DING DING DING! He keeps swinging, hitting Duke a bunch of times with the crowbar. Duke then clenches his fist as the beating happens and throws a punch at Gordon.
BAM! As Gordon is launched back to the left, Dukes comes forward and delivers two more blows. POW! SMACK! He then mighty foots Gordon once again. The scientist is then sent through the door. Duke Nukem wipes off any blood on his face from the crowbar.
(Music Stop)
Duke: Can’t believe I fell for the same trick twice. Then again, the quote is “shoot first, think never.”
HoloDuke: It’s time to rip and tear, and I’m all open for business.
Duke: Shut up, me!
He walks away, leaving HoloDuke.
HoloDuke: It’s time-time-t-t-time to cry in the corner.
Duke Nukem heads for the hallway doors, brandishing a flamethrower. He kicks open the doors.
(Music: Legacy of Grabbag - Brandon Blume)
Freeman stands in the hallway, Pulse Rifle in hand. The action hero enters and quickly points his flamethrower at the doctor.
Duke: You seem you’ve forgotten why I’m here, asshole. So let me remind you.
Gordon steadies his finger on the trigger.
Duke: To kick ass and chew-WOAH!
BANGBANGBANGBANG!
Nuken ducks as Gordon fires his rifle. The bullets fly past him, however, Gordon is still aiming, and aims lower for the ducking Duke. Thus, the blond jumps onto the hallway wall, pushing himself towards Freeman. He kicks him in the face, sending him back.
Duke aims his flamethrower, firing at Gordon. For any normal person, it would have meant death to be caught in those flames, but Gordon isn’t normal. As his suit absorbs the flame, he slowly aims his pulse rifle and fires an energy ball of disintegration.
Duke notices this and dodges it.
HEV: Power; Fifty Percent.
The hero turns his head to the free man, but then there’s a sound.
BLEW
The energy ball hits the entrance to the hallways and bounces back, coming to Duke Nukem. He grabs his Thundergun X3000 and charges a beam, firing it and cancelling out the ball of destruction.
BLAM!
PEWPEWPEW!
The badass then feels piercings in his back. It was the Tau Cannon Gordon is firing. He fights through the pain and turns around. As the pieces of uranium are fired into him, he punches Gordon, sending him away.
Gordon lands in a strange room at the end of the hallway. It’s grey, very big, and filled with flying green portals generated by a green spherical core at the very center.
The blond enters, so Gordon gets up and throws a few grenades at him. As they fly towards him, Duke pulls one grenade of his own, throwing it and then pressing a different button he had in his hands.
BOOM!
All the grenades blow up thanks to Duke’s remote detonated one. A cloud of smoke appears in front of Gordon, and Duke runs out of it, using the cover to run up and mighty foot Gordon in the chest, launching him into a green portal. Duke then enters the same portal, wanting to see this guy dead.
WHAM!
The one free man's back hits the side of a messed up car. He then gets up and looks around, finding himself in a completely new location. It was night thanks to smoke clouds, not a person in sight, and all the buildings were on fire. Like a war had erupted in the middle of LA. This is Hollywood Holocaust.
In the empty streetway are a lot of abandoned, parallel parked cars on both sides of the street.
Out of the portal in front of him comes Duke Nukem, holding onto a minigun. He points it at Freeman and pulls the trigger.
Gordon reacts to this by turning towards the car, leaping up and putting his hand on the roof, jumping over the car. He ducks behind it as bullets are fired. Gordon then equips his gravity gun and points it towards the car.
BWAM!
The car is launched towards Duke. Lucky for the soldier, he knows how to duck, and does so. The car passes over him and he begins aiming his minigun. But, before the fight can be won, Gordon is suddenly not in his position. Duke looks and sees him jumping roof-to-roof on the line of parallel park cars, gaining distance.
The blond fires his minigun, but Gordon out jumps the bullets and pulls his shotgun out. He turns and pulls the trigger. The bullet hits Duke in the shoulder, but he seems more pissed than hurt. He drops his minigun and equips The Enforcer, a large plasma shooting gun. He fires the blue balls of plasma at the car.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Three blow up as he fires more. One of the destroyed cars is what Gordon is about to jump on, but he is stopped in his tracks. Duke then jumps onto a car, and another, until he catches up with Gordon. He pulls the trigger and launches two rounds at the man in orange.
We’re in slow motion now. As the plasma flies, Gordon has already pulled out a trusty RPG. He fires a shot and the rocket counters the shot, blowing up and pushing the other away. We’re back at normal speed and the one free man fires another shot. The action hero knows what’s up and dives down from the car.
But the rocket keeps following him. He runs and runs and runs.
Duke: I’m not learning to love this bomb!
He quickly spins around and points his pistol at the rocket, ending its life and blowing it up. Gordon then runs up, charges his Gravity Gun, and fires it. Duke is launched into the portal.
We enter a world that is strange to us...I’m not even going to describe it, here’s what it looks like. It’s very purple. Anyways, the calming purple planet of rocks is interrupted when Duke flies out of the portal. Gordon then steps out, magnum in hand. Duke, still on the ground, takes a smug smirk.
Duke: You know what they say about people with big bodies?
He jumps up without even touching the ground and fires a weapon. The Shrinker.
Gordon...moves slightly to the right, but really fast.
The shrinking beam then travels far and then hits a purple crystal. The crystal then travels back at Duke. The man is then hit and is reduced to 7 inches of height.
Duke: Damnit, I can’t finish the joke! You were supposed to shrink and then I would...Oh, whatever.
The extremely tall Gordon fires his magnum.
BANG!
The bullet fires over. Duke senses it travelling and Dodges to the left. It hits the ground and not Duke.
BANG! BANG!
Duke dodges to the right and then the left again, gaining distance from the giant. Gordon decides to try a different approach. He grabs a Snark, about the size of Duke, and throws it.
It lands and gives a huge, frightening roar (If you’re Duke-Sized. To Freeman-Sized people, it’s cute).
Duke: Time for some fried bug!
Nukem grabs The Incinerator and fires a huge ball of fire. It travels and hits the bug dead-on, reducing it to chard and ash.
Two more Snarks are thrown by the scientist. One of them runs up to attack the bite-sized hero, but the small man Mighty Foots it away before it can do any damage. The bug hits its bug-buddy and Duke launches another ball of fire, incinerating both.
Doctor Freeman equips his hivehand and fires an army of space-flies at Duke Nukem, but Duke takes out his rocket launcher and fires rapidly, blowing up the insects before they even have a chance to fight.
Gordon pulls BugBait from his back, but before he can even use it, Duke runs close to his orange and black legs and starts growing back as the shrink-time is over. He raises his fist to the sky and-
WHAM!
He uses his growing momentum to hit Gordon directly in the Newtons, The Joules, The Energy Balls...The nuts, I’m talking about the nuts. His ballbusting launches him up while he makes a face of pure pain. Duke then grabs Gordon's legs and pulls him down, spins him around, and throws him back into the portal. He follows him inside.
(Music Stop)
The same portal appears in the giant lab, and Gordon is launched right out of it, hitting the ground and sliding a little.
HEV: Morphine Administered.
(Music: Heat Haze Shadow - Tekken 7)
The scientist gets up as Duke Nukem enters the location, RPG equipped.
Duke: I have run out of cool things to say. Fuck you.
(0:30)
Doctor Freeman uses the sprint function to gain distance. He starts running away. But, from behind him come three missiles of a rocket launcher. The man in orange decides that his best strategy should be to jump out of the way, and he does just that, leaping to the right.
The rockets miss and smash into the wall, blowing up. Duke, angry that the doctor isn’t in several burning pieces yet, fires three more rockets. However, while was getting angry, Gordon was taking out his best weapon. The Gluon Gun.
He fires the laser onto the oncoming rockets, blowing them all up. He turns his sights to the blond, so Duke takes out his Energy Weapon and lines it up. Gordon fires blue energy, Duke fires green energy, and they collide.
The two get into a beam struggle. Duke Nukem figures he can solve this by stepping to the left. Gordon follows Duke's lead and also steps left. The beams continue to clash until Duke and Gordon move so far...they reach the energy core.
The energy weapons then accidentally collide with the energy core, which starts to spasm out of control. The two lower their weapons as they realize what they’ve done, but it’s too late. The lab sirens go off and the alarms flash red...and then.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
(Music Pause)
The camera fades to white…
We cut to outside the exploding lab in a very canyon ridden place in the middle of the desert. Rocks down the giant hills. Flying on one of the rocks is HoloDuke.
HoloDuke: It's time to say weeeeeeee.
He flies past the camera as we cut to Gordon Freeman, landing on a falling rock. He collects himself after being in that explosion and looks around at the relatively large falling rock he’s landed on. It slides down the side of the canyon, about 15 feet wide and 15 feet across.
HEV: Power...15%...Seek medical attention.
Before the scientist can claim victory, a sound is heard from a distance. A sound of an engine. The fires of a jetpack roar as flying in comes Duke Nukem, following the sliding rock and holding the twin Devastators.
Duke: COME GET SOME!
(2:47)
He fires the devastators. Missiles approach Gordon, but the scientist pulls out his gravity gun. The missiles approaching stop dead in their tracks as they are caught by the orange gun. It catches a few others until they form into a small bundle. He knocks it back at Duke, who takes a pistol and fires a bullet into the ball.
BOOM!
The hero falls onto the ground, his jetpack now disabled. The scientist managed to land on his feet with his stone platform now in pieces. They are both at the bottom of the canyon, with hard sand, grass and a river.
HEV: F-F-FFFFFIVE PERCENPERCEN-.
Duke gets himself up and aims his pistol. Gordon tightens the grip on his crowbar and takes his magnum. They approach each other, ready to end the fight. Duke throws a punch. Gordon turns his head to avoid it and then delivers a blow with his crowbar, sending Duke back.
Nukem responds by collecting himself and shooting twice.
BANG! BANG!
One of the shots hits the HEV suit while Gordon narrowly avoids the other, however, this was planned. Duke rushes up and delivers 3 hits to Gordon's face with his hands.
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
They bruise Gordon and he draws blood. Duke then finishes the combo with a mighty foot to the suit’s gut.
POW!
Gordon stumbles back, holding the gut of his suit, exhausted. Duke cracks his knuckles and looks at the employee.
Duke: You’re defenceless, asswipe! Why do you even wear that ridiculous suit?
Duke Nukem thrusts his body in a kicking motion. Gordon, bleeding from the mouth, sees what’s going to happen and closes his eyes. Time slows as the boot of Duke comes towards Gordon…
Everything but the two fighters goes black...We zoom into Gordon’s face.
HEV: User...death...imminent.
With a rush of determination to prove the suit wrong, Gordon opens his eyes, forces his grip on the crowbar, raises it to the sky, and forcefully jams the sharp end down into the oncoming knee of Duke Nukem.
Duke: AAAAAAAAUGH!
Duke’s leg is bleeding and broken. The kick had stopped, and he was now kneeling on the ground. Gordon rips the crowbar out of his knee and delivers three magnum shots-
BANG BANG BANG!
-to the chest to make sure he is subdued. Duke is still alive, however, and looks up at the scientist, now angry and tired.
Duke: Alright, so you got lucky, whatever. I still get 3 times the babes you get and have balls of steel, so who really wins he-?
We see the back of Duke and the front of Gordon. While the blond is talking, the one freeman raises his crowbar once again, and, as hard as he can,-
SMASH!
(Music Stop)
-brings it down on Duke Nukem’s head, crushing his skull, brain, and head into a U-Shape. It’s over. Duke topples over, dead on the ground. Gordon adjusts his glasses, as the suited man appears from behind.
G-Man: It seems we won’t be working together, Mr. Nukem...No regrets.
KO![]
(Music: Closing Theme - Half Life)
Boomstick:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Wiz: This match was closer than-
Boomstick:-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Wiz: Are you finished?
Boomstick: Hold on...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!...Okay, we're good now. I mean, no we're not! How did that nerd win?
Wiz: Well, this wasn't some stomp. Duke had plenty of advantages.
Boomstick: He had a lot more experience, a lot more weapons than Gordon could handle, and materials that would have ended the fight quickly. Plus, he was waaaaaay stronger. All he would need to do is get up close, right?
Wiz: Sadly for Duke, no. Gordon's saving grace was the H.E.V suit. It has survived zombies, magical aliens, and mainly all the energy Duke could throw at him. The suit has managed to keep Gordon through attacks designed to completely vaporize people, a feat we've already established requires just under 292 million joules. One of Duke's best weapons in terms of raw power is the Incinerator, which reduces people to ash (9 second mark, just behind the gun). This requires 243 million joules.
Boomstick: Damn, that's close! But, sadly, it does mean Gordon could survive pretty much all of Duke weapons save for the Freezer and Shrinker...but just because he had it doesn't mean he'd always use it, especially with a large arsenal filled with mostly explosive stuff. Plus Duke's never shown the durability to survive weapons like to Gluon Gun and those balls of destruction from the plasma rifle.
Wiz: Speed was harder to figure out. Both could react to bullets and even a tank round, which is 3300 feet per second, so it was safe to assume they were even in that regard.
Boomstick: With most stats being pretty close, it came down to experience and strategy...So how did Duke lose in this category?
Wiz: While, yes, he has been in more battles than Gordon, lack of combat training has never stopped Freeman. He's managed to take down a United States trained military and an alien army, and, after 17 years of sleeping, took down another dystopian army. He's a genius with a Ph.D. who's outwitted people with the same general run and gun strategy as Duke, and some who are even smarter.
Boomstick: Sigh. So yeah, even with Duke's large arsenal, Gordon could take the vast majority of it, dish it back, and have the intelligence to back it up. Plus that's not even counting the Supercharged Gravity Gun, which...grabs people and is basically an insistent kill weapon for people like Duke. I'm gonna miss you, Duke...but...(sobs) you were gor-done for.
Wiz: The winner is Gordon Freeman.
Next Time[]
"If you really want to play, then these last moments will be very, very fun for me."
"Fair warning: I eat little girls like you."
"Great. Here's your last meal."
Q&A[]
Why is the analysis so bad?
I recently changed the way I write the battles to make them (hopefully) better. I plan of finding a different way to write overviews too so they're also better.
Why did you use Black Mesa music and footage when it's a fan made project that isn't canon?
Because official HL Music is SOOOOOOO short. Anyways, I felt like I could use Black Mesa in general because it's basically just higher quality HL1 and so long as I didn't use feats from that game, I would be fine.
But wait, doesn't it take ________ to vaporize/burn a human?
Look, sources tend to vary. I used VS Battles calculations. Generally, combine weapons leave nothing behind while Duke's weapon leaves ash, which is still something.
What about the old Duke Nukem games? His weapons in those leave nothing behind.
That's because it's in 8-bit.
Couldn't Duke control the fight pace with his jetpack?
Maybe, but the gravity gun was a pretty good counter for that, supercharged or not seeing as a jet pack is an item that could probably be grabbed.
In the comics, he dodged this blast. Shouldn't that be way faster?
Well, 1. That's a media outside of the video games, so I'm hesitant to use it. 2. Seeing as it is a comic, it's hard to tell is the gun really is a laser and how fast it's going. 3. There's nothing else that supports a lightspeed Duke Nukem.
Trivia[]
-The connections between Gordon Freeman and Duke Nukem is that they're both alien fighters from classic First Person Shooters who later became famous for their accomplishments (Duke Nukem becoming a celebrity and Gordon Freeman becoming a legend amongst rebels).
-The track for this battle would be called "Nuked-Life" and be inspired by 90s Metal used in FPS games like Duke Nukem and Doom combined with electronic instruments used in Half Life and Half Life 2. The cover would be a nuclear explosion with green energy beams coming off of, also completed by a crowbar and a pair of sunglasses in the center.
-This fight would be animated in SFM with the original models from the combatants original games.
-Half Life analysis music is really freaking hard to find.