Nintendo's punch happy memes.
Interlude[]
Wizard: Interesting...it appears that today we're going to be making a gorilla fight a racer to the death.
Boomstick: That's new!
Wizard: This time Donkey Kong is stepping up to the plate.
Boomstick: So is Captain Falcon!
Wizard: It's time for them to fight each to the death. If Donkey Kong wins, I'm giving him a banana.
Boomstick: And if Captain Falcon wins, I'm giving him a race car!
Donkey Kong[]
Wizard: Donkey Kong is about as old as Mario, which is saying a lot. He used to star in the Donkey Kong arcade game, where he launched barrels at Mario.
Boomstick: He's a rather strong gorilla, I must admit!
Wizard: Not only is he strong, but he's fast too. Don't assume that he's slow simply because he's slower than Diddy Kong!
Boomstick: I guess there's not a jetpack that can support his weight.
Wizard: Donkey Kong also has a homing coconut gun.
Knuckles: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!
Boomstick: I don't know why Knuckles keeps saying that.
Wizard: Beats me. Donkey Kong is also pretty durable. He once survived being launched directly into space.
Boomstick: He also is strong enough to create shockwaves just by clapping his hands together!
Wizard: Though he's not necessarily smart, he also knows how to play the bongos.
Boomstick: Don't try hypnotizing him either! His brain just doesn't work that way.
Wizard: He also has the ability to temporarily make himself invincible using Crystal Coconuts. He becomes Strong Kong!
Boomstick: He also is good at hand-to-hand combat. Believe it or not. He doesn't always use his strength to win his fights.
Wizard: Time and time again, he's defeated his nemesis King K. Rool...though to his credit Donkey Kong doesn't fight King K. Rool alone, and he was captured by the evil king once.
Boomstick: However, though Donkey Kong is smart enough to drive a kart, he generally isn't known for being intelligent.
Wizard: Still, he's a formidable foe indeed. After all, he can fight against Mario rather efficiently, and he's saved his island time and time again. He also decided that he was going to hunt down the Kremlings on each corner of his island, so that's pretty impressive.
Boomstick: And yes, he named the country after himself. Maybe it'll be Diddy Kong Country someday.
Captain Falcon[]
Wizard: Captain Falcon is best known for being a racer. However, it wasn't until Super Smash Bros. Brawl in which he was portrayed as a combatant.
Captain Falcon: Falcon punch!
Boomstick: Captain Falcon packs a mean punch. He also packs a mean kick! And for some strange reason he named both attacks after himself.
Wizard: I know. I guess he's rather egotistical. Not all of his attacks are named directly after him though.
Boomstick: He possesses the Raptor Boost, which he can use to attack his foes with a flaming uppercut!
Wizard: If he wishes to attack his foes through the air, he can also use the Falcon Dive.
Boomstick: He also has a trump card, the Blue Falcon! He can use his race car to run his foes down!
Wizard: Did you know that he's also an anime character?
Boomstick: You bet!
Wizard: However, Captain Falcon is lacking in range attacks. He has a gun...but he never uses it.
Boomstick: He also spends more time racing than he does fighting.
Wizard: He's also the worst Super Smash Bros. Brawler ever...though to his credit he does have the fastest dash speed.
Boomstick: Still, he does happen to be one of the best bounty hunters in the galaxy!
Captain Falcon: Show me your moves!
Wizard: Donkey Kong is going to be showing you his moves, Captain Falcon.
Captain Falcon: Yes!
Boomstick: Alright, let's make the gorilla and the racer fight each to the death.
Fight[]
Captain Falcon had at long last discovered Donkey Kong's legendary horde of bananas.
"Alright!" cheered Captain Falcon. It looked like today was his lucky day.
Captain Falcon entered the cavern so that he could have bananas.
He then picked up one and put it in his mouth.
"Yum!" exclaimed Captain Falcon.
Little did he know at that very moment Donkey Kong was returning from fighting King K. Rool.
"Gee, those Kremlings sure were aggressive. I think I'll go eat some bananas to celebrate my victory." remarked Donkey Kong.
At that very moment, Donkey Kong discovered that Captain Falcon was eating his bananas.
"Oh c'mon! It's bad enough that there are kremlings and echidnas trying to eat my bananas, but now this!?" shouted Donkey Kong.
FIGHT!
Furious at Captain Falcon for having the audacity to eat his beloved bananas, Donkey Kong proceeded to attack Captain Falcon.
However, Captain Falcon dodged it and gave Donkey Kong a falcon punch.
"Falcon punch!" shouted Captain Falcon.
Why did Captain Falcon say that whenever he punched someone?
In retaliation, Donkey Kong pulled out his coconut shooter.
He hit Captain Falcon several different times.
"So uncool!" shouted Captain Falcon.
Fortunately for Donkey Kong, Captain Falcon did not have any ranged weapons, so it looked like he had the advantage at that very moment.
However, Captain Falcon picked up one of the coconuts and lodged it in Donkey Kong's coconut shooter, much to his frustration.
For a moment Donkey Kong considered clapping his hands together and making Captain Falcon paint the walls...but he didn't want to get blood all over his bananas.
Perhaps there was a different way that he could deal with Captain Falcon.
Suddenly, Captain Falcon went into his race car.
"Huh?" asked Donkey Kong.
Captain Falcon then tried to run him over with the Blue Falcon.
Fortunately for Donkey Kong, his superhuman strength allowed him to hold off the Blue Falcon.
"Why aren't I running over the gorilla?!" exclaimed Captain Falcon.
Donkey Kong pounded Blue Falcon with his fists, causing it to explode.
"Not my awesome ride!" screamed the captain.
Donkey Kong then used the power of the Crystal Coconuts (don't ask us why they're made of crystal) to make himself grow huge.
"Mama!" shouted Captain Falcon.
Donkey Kong then launched Captain Falcon through the roof of his cavern and straight into the moon.
Something told Donkey Kong that he wouldn't be seeing the captain for a while.
Served him right for trying to steal his bananas.
Donkey Kong then proceeded to beat his chest like...well, a gorilla.
KO!
Results[]
Captain Falcon sat on the moon. Why couldn't the moon be made of cheese? Fortunately, he had returned to life after being launched into space, but now he was stranded.
The moon was a lot smaller than the one on Earth, now that he thought of it.
Meanwhile, Donkey Kong happily munched on his bananas. They were safe once again.
Wizard: Well, Captain Falcon made a fatal lapse in judgment.
Boomstick: I'll say! Donkey Kong was both stronger and more durable! Captain Falcon's strength feats aren't nearly as impressive as Donkey Kong's!
Wizard: Captain Falcon does technically have a gun, but he never uses it. So Donkey Kong has the advantage in ranged weaponry.
Boomstick: He also doesn't spend most of his time racing like Captain Falcon does...though I will admit that Donkey Kong is not a bad racer!
Wizard: He was also strong enough to destroy Captain Falcon's trump card, the Blue Falcon!
Boomstick: And unfortunately for Captain Falcon, he didn't have a counter for Strong Kong. He's invincible while he's using it!
Wizard: Ah yes. Donkey Kong was a fighter long before Captain Falcon was. And don't assume that Captain Falcon is smarter than Donkey Kong because he knows all about racing...Donkey Kong is not a bad racer himself.
Boomstick: I guess Donkey Kong is driving Captain Falcon bananas!
Wizard: The winner is Donkey Kong.
