Dog Man VS Mr. Wolf is a What if? between Dog Man from the book series of the same name and Mr. Wolf from The Bad Guys book series
Ringmaster: FIGHT!!!
INTERLUDE[]
Boomstick: Dog Man VS Mr. Wolf!
Wiz: The world's greatest cop VS the leader of the bad guys turned good guys. These mongerel mutts are two of the most popular in all of fiction.
Boomstick: That's right, it's time for an all out puppy battle!
We cut to Wiz and Boomstick.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skill to find out who would win...a DEATH BATTLE.
DOG MAN[]
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
Wiz: Let me tell you the tale of two misfit cops. Officer Knight and Greg the Dog.
Boomstick: These two...are fucking losers. One is a moron who can't remember dogs are colorblind, and they other couldn't hurt the fleas on his body.
Wiz: Well, no, alone they couldn't do much harm, but together, they're an amazing team. Until one day, a bomb appeared. And unfortunately, it went off. The explosion left Knight with heavy brain damage and multiple skull fracture, and broke every bone in Greg's body. Put simply, Knight's head was dying and Greg's body was dying.
Boomstick: But when all seemed lost, Nurse Gene S. Lady had the amazing idea to sew the Greg's head on the cops body.
Wiz: Which wouldn't work for a multitude of reason, but it's a kids book so what do I know?
Boomstick: A couple stitches later and we had a brand new cop.
Wiz: Not just any old cop, Boomstick. The world's greatest cop. Dog Man.
Boomstick: World's Grestest Cop? I find that hard to believe considering he gets distracted by squirrels. Those damn squirrels.
Wiz: At first glance, Dog Man may not seem to be very different than any other dog, but he is very skilled in many categories.
Boomstick: He's just as smart as a dog with all the strength of a human.
Wiz: Plus, his canine nose can help him sniff out danger. Like a canine unit and an officer at the same time.
Boomstick: And all that skill allows him to pull off some totally rad skills. Like out-running a giant vacuum cleaner with sharp teeth. Yeah, these series gets pretty fucking trippy and that's just the first book.
Wiz: Dog Man is trained in the martial art of kung-fu, has incredible speed and a whole variety of weapons.
Wiz: Perhaps his most astonishing is...bones.
Boomstick: Bones? Really? Are you pulling my shotgun leg? If so, be careful, it might go off.
Wiz: I-I know how that sounds but follow me. This is incredible. From being able to use them as a makeshift grappling hook to a pair of "bone-chucks" which is his primary weapon to even fashioning a bone sword.
Boomstick: Oh, and if he ever needs to get somewhere fast, he has the Dog-Mobile. The reference is obvious, but it has so many weapons, it makes Wayne's look like a little tikes car. Baseball gloves, helicopter blades, hot rod boosters, the works!
Wiz: But all that pales in comparison to his most powerful weapon, THE CONE OF DESTINY!
Boomstick: At first glance it just seems like an ordinary cone of shame, but it transforms into a sick ass mech. He also has an umbrella, cause why not? You never know when you might need one.
Wiz: Dog Man has defeated countless enemies, including ones that were meant to destroy him such as the evil vacuum or the evil balls.
Boomstick: And remember that explosion that created him?
Wiz: That would take around 256, 000, 000 joules of TNT.
Boomstick: That's enough to destroy a small building.
Wiz: Dog Man does have many flaws such as his canine tendencies or his distraction.
Boomstick: But if you like action, suspense and laffs, then Dog Man is go!
Wiz: Dog Man is go?
Boomstick: That don't make no sense.
Wiz & Boomstick: But we like it!
MR. WOLF[]
Wiz: The Big Bad Wolf. I believe we all know him. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing, Little Red Riding Hood, Three Little Pigs. He's the villain of every story.
Boomstick: But what I bet you didn't know is that he's the leader of a crime gang. The Bad Guys. Oh, hey the that's the title of the book.
Wiz: To lead the Bad Guys, Big Bad had to change his name. He was to now be known as... Moe.
Boomstick: But anyone cool knows him as...Mr. Wolf.
Wiz: But one day, Wolf had an extraordinary idea. What if the bad guys...were good guys? And the rest, is history.
Boomstick: Being a wolf, Moe is very swifty and fast. Being able to rob an entire bank in about five seconds. Giving him light speed reactions.
Wiz: And in the book series, he took on the evil Marmalade...who was really an alien...with butts for hands.
Boomstick: Ugh, gross. What is it with these people and butts?
Wiz: Speaking of the books, Wolf can also use super strength to turn into a hulk like being and at the end of the movie, he and his gang got away from a explosion that had the copacity of 3,000 KGs of TNT.
Boomstick: Wolf isn't without his imperfections. His ego, anger issues and cocky attitude have costed him in the past. But other than that, he's a great leader and he and his pals finally got the title of good guys.
Wiz: And after saving the word, they're not just good guys. They're heroes.
Boomstick: Not bad, guys. Not bad at all.
PRELUDE[]
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibillites. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for DEATH BATTLE!!!
DEATH BATTLE[]
In the city, Mr. Wolf, leader of the Good Guys, steps out of his car, bag of money in hand. Over the communicator, his friend, Snake speaks to him.
Mr. Snake: Wolf, did we have to return all the money? Couldn't have we given it to charity or the homeless..or my bank account?
Mr. Wolf: Har har. C'mon, Snake. We just gotta return one more bag and we'll be off scott-free.
Then, he heard the siren of a police cruiser. Dog Man leaps from the car, landing in a karate pose.
Mr. Wolf: Uh, Snakey? I'm gonna have to call you back?
Moe hangs up and attempts to talk to Dog Man.
Mr. Wolf: Uh, morning officer. Is there a problem?
Dog Man nudges the money back, growling.
Mr. Wolf: Huh? Oh! Oh, this? Ha, funny story, actually. I didn't steal this. Well, I did steal it. But I was gonna return it! Really!
Dog Man gave him an unimpressed look.
Mr. Wolf: Yeah, I wouldn't believe it either.
Dog Man pulled out handcuffs.
Mr. Wolf: Ugh. Here we go again.
The canines run at each other. Dog Man flips over Wolf and sends a kick to the back of his head. He grabs a bone and throws it at him.
Mr. Wolf: What the-? Was that a bone?
Dog Man runs at him and uppercut-kicks him. The words "SUPA KUNG-FU KICK" appear over them. Wolf crashes into a wall. Dog Man walks over to him when a black car hits him, sending him into a dumpster.
Webs: Sit. Good boy.
Mr. Snake: You Wolf? Hop in. You paid on the app.
Dog Man jumps out of the dumpster and runs at the car. Piranha pokes his head out and throws a ball.
Mr. Piranha: Fetch!
Excited, Dog Man goes after the ball for a second before realizing.
Mr. Wolf: See ya, sucker!
The Good Guys zoom away. Greg growls and howls. Then, the Dog mobile comes out of an alleyway.
Li'l Petey: Dog Man! We saw everything! This looks like a job for...THE SUPA BUDDIES!
80-HD opens up and a chest labelled "Costumes" pops out. The trio gets dressed. Bark Knight and Cat Kid hop into the car while Lightning Dude flies over head. Meanwhile, Shark looks into the review mirror and see the Dog mobile.
Mr. Shark: Guys? We have a bit of a situation.
Cat Kid: Pull over in the name of the Supa Buddies!
Mr. Snake: Supa Buddies? What kinda dumb name is that?
Dog Man pushes a button and Hot Rod boosters pop out. The trio zoom at the car.
Mr. Wolf: Nice Hot Wheel, copper. Is it part of a special edition?
Cat Kid: Glad you asked.
He pushes a button and the helicopter blades send them high into the air.
Webs: Woah.
Then, Lightning Dude rips the top off the car and throws Wolf out, making the rest of them crash.
Mr. Wolf: Guys!!
Wolf growls and shoots his grappling hook at the helicopter blades, he lands on the hood.
Cat Kid: Take care of him, Dog Man! I'll help 80-HD!
The two of them fight on the hood while Li'l Petey lands near the others. He walks up to Snake.
Li'l Petey: Whatcha doing?
Mr. Snake: I'm trying to beat up this robot?
Li'l Petey: Why?
Mr. Snake: Cause he's a jerk!
Li'l Petey: Why?
Mr. Snake: Cause he wants to hurt my friends!
Li'l Petey: Why?
Mr. Snake: Because of a stupid misunderstanding!
Li'l Petey: Why?
Mr. Snake: Agh! Will you shut up already?!
Li'l Petey: Why?
Mr. Snake: Cause you're being annoying!!
Li'l Petey: Why?
While this is going down, the other three are having trouble with 80-HD.
Mr. Shark: Webs, can't you hack this thing?
Webs: I'm trying! I can't get access.
Webs tries again. An 8-bit picture of Petey laughing appears.
8-Bit Petey: Nice try, loser! HAW HAW!!
Webs groans in annoyance. Meanwhile, Dog Man and Mr. Wolf are still fighting when Wolf realizes something.
Mr. Wolf: Wait. If we're fighting...who's flying this thing?
Upon realizing, Dog Man whines and the two scream as the free fall. 80-HD catches the car and the two end up on the roof. Wolf landed on his feet.
Mr. Wolf: All right, pal. Let's do this.
His clothes rip off as his muscular body reveals. Surprised, yet still determined, Dog Man pulls out the Cone of Destiny.
KA-CHINK!
SCHOCK!! SCHOCK!!
BA-KLIK!!
ZAWOK!! ZAWOK!!
The robot mech pulls out his umbrella. Both of them reel their arms back and simeltaniously hit each other in the face. Wolf tears apart the mech suit and throws Greg into a wall. 80-HD, seeing this, flies up to Dog Man and throws him another costume, only to be attack by Shark.
Mr. Shark: How ya like that ya giant bowling ball?
Dog Man gasps as he sees this. Then, he sees Li'l Petey getting strangled by Snake, who had obviously gotten tired of his question. Dog Man wasn't usually the type to get mad, but now...he. was. FURIOUS!! He quickly puts on his new costume and takes on the persona of, THE SCARLETT SHEDDER! Dog Man uses the sword bone and hits Wolf into a wall, making him return to normal. Dazed, he looks around only to get hit by the bone sword, sending him off the side of the building. Wolf screams, but just before he hits the ground...he stops. He looks up and sees Dog Man, back in his original attire, holding the umbrella.
Mr. Wolf: Hey! You never know when you'll need an umbrella.
Dog Man nods in agreement and floats them to where the others are.
Li'l Petey: Dog Man!
Mr. Snake, Mr. Shark, Mr. Pirhanna and Webs: Wolf!
Dog Man lets him down gently.
Mr. Wolf: Thanks. I guess you're not such a bad guy after all.
He holds out his hand. Dog Man is confused at first.
Mr. Wolf: Shake.
Dog Man shakes his hand. Then he jumps on him, happily.
Mr. Wolf: Oof! Hey, wait-! Hahaha! Stop! Down, boy!
The camera pans up as the two new friends laugh happily.
RESULTS[]
Ringmaster: Uh...K.O.?
Boomstick: Oh, thank God! No Dog murder. I love it.
Wiz: At first glance, this seemed to be a close call, but in the end, I'm kinda surprised we didn't see this coming. Wolf wasn't completely outclassed. Wolf's super strength would definitely give Dog Man a hard time. Plus his trickery and overall intelligence gave Dog Man a hard time to keep up. But that's all Wolf would really had going for him.
Boomstick: First things first, in their base forms, Dog Man was way stronger than Wolf, being able to hold up the teeth of the Mutt Masher 200 with his bare hands! Plus, even if we take Wolf's super strength into account, it doesn't matter because Wolf can't fight for shit. He usually ends up running away from his problems and even if he does fight, like with Snake, he doesn't seem to have much advantages.
Wiz: Dog Man on the other hand is a kung-fu genius and has repeatedly defeated people who were made to destroy him.
Boomstick: Not to mention, Dog Man's weapons completely blows Wolf's out of the water. Also, secret weapon? 80-HD is kinda broken.
Wiz: With his kind heart and love for his friends, it's safe to assume even Webs couldn't hack him. But the biggest difference is their team work. Wolf is a notoriously bad team player and it's clear from the very start that the Bad Guys don't like each other.
Boomstick: Unlike the Supa Buddies, who are amazing at working as a team. Put simply, as long as Dog Man has his friends, he can accomplish anything. Man, that sounds cringe.
Wiz: Wolf's intelligence, trickery and super strength definitely made him a formidable opponent, but Dog Man's strength, speed, durablility and teamwork allowed him to take the win.
Boomstick: In this battle of the hounds, the win goes to the Dog, Man!
Wiz: Really?
Boomstick: What? Don't tell me you think that was PAW-ful. I worked hard on it and the fact you don't like it makes me fur-ous
Wiz: Ugh. The winner is Dog Man.
COMPARISON[]
DOG MAN[]
+ Stronger and faster
+ Dog senses
+ Weapons
+ More durable
+ Better teamwork
- Distracted easily
- Couldn't stop Wolf's super strength
MR. WOLF[]
+ Smarter
+ Trickier
+ Stronger with super powers
- Weaker and slower
- Has less weapons
- Terrible at fighting
ORIGINAL TRACK[]
The OST for this fight is "Bad to the Bone" by rottmntleoboi18. It's half action movie OST and half heist movie OST to pay homage to their original series.
The cover depicts a skull in cross-bones with a bone, a pair of handcuffs and Dog Man's hat while money rains from behind.
The title references the song by George Thorogood and the Destroyers, as well as both of them being dogs and Wolf's home series.