Ctpeyton
[Puss in Boots vs Rango]Two versions of the grim reaper taking the form of killer animals. Which one will see lives flash before their eyes? Which one will fall into the deepest pits of the black abyss?
Intro[]
Wiz: Death, the big, bad, wolf-like embodiment of... well, death.
Boomstick: And Rattlesnake Jake, the slithering grim reaper of Dirt.
Wiz: Death can come anytime and anywhere. Regardless of who you are or how many lives you managed to live, it's only a matter of time before you take your last breath. Whether it be scary or somewhat comforting, above all... it's kind of insulting...
Boomstick: Death sure is intimidating enough to scare even the most righteous of heroes. If death takes the right form like a wolf or a snake for example. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to determine their weapons, armor and skills to find who would win a DEATH-BATTLE!
Death[]
Boomstick (singing): Who is your favorite fearless hero?
Wiz: That would be the legendary outlaw, Puss in Boots. A criminal to some, a hero to others, Puss in Boots was a fearless hero who was loved by all, a selfless icon who protects his town time and time again, delivered gold to the needy, but most glaringly, laughed at the face of death.
Boomstick: But [laughs] did that bite him in the ass.
https://youtu.be/P6NboMzjKJo?t=4
Boomstick: 8 times actually.
Wiz: Now Puss in Boots is a cat, meaning he has 9 lives. After losing 8 of them, he could die for good. If he doesn't retire that is.
Boomstick: But NOPE. Puss being the hard ass he is just scoffs at the idea and one night decides to go to a bar and drink the thought away. My man! Oh, but that's milk. Still, he's a drinker! My man still!
Wiz: But there, Puss meets a stranger.
Boomstick: [Gasps] The Big Bad Wolf!? First a little red riding hood now a cat!?
Wiz: Who seemed to be just another bounty hunter out for Puss's head in gold turns out to be-
Boomstick: THE BIG BAD WOLF.
Wiz: Not quite. DEATH.
Background:
Alias: The Wolf, Lobo, Bounty Hunter, Big Bad Wolf
Age: Has been around since the concept of life existed
Species: Wolf (physically) | Physical embodiment of the Grim Reaper
Loves the smell of fear
Dislikes: Life not being valued, Cats (finds the idea of "9 lives" absurd)
You will know his presence when you hear his whistle...
Wiz: The folkloric character of the Grim Reaper is one of the many personified versions of Death. An entity of nature who was heavily used during the medieval period and came to symbolize death as well as a fear of the unknown.
Boomstick: Wait, we're talking about a wolf. Not a skeleton.
Wiz: Normally. But since the Grim Reaper is a concept described in different forms in lore and stories, it doesn't have a strict, permanent form. For instance, in ancient times, wolves were often considered the embodiment of death by certain cultures, mainly because of the wolf's savagery and fury. As well as the Cadejo, a dog/wolf ghost in Spanish folklore. Spain is where Puss in Boots: The Last Wish takes place. So it can be presumed that the Grim Reaper, or Death, takes the form of the people's beliefs.
Boomstick: Wait! Wait! I just noticed this. Puss is a cat. Death is a wolf, which is like a dog. Cats are scared of dogs. So maybe Death takes the form of fear?
Wiz: Y-Yeah. That actually makes sense.
Boomstick: Boo-yah! Another point for Brainy Boomstick! Now keep talking about the movie.
Wiz: Death has followed Puss for a long time. Having witnessed all 8 of his deaths even during Puss's fight with the giant at the beginning of the film.
Boomstick: HOLY CRAP! I didn't even notice him the first time! Hah, well Puss won't be going down without a fi-
https://youtu.be/gGY1VXtF9mk?t=102 (scene at 1:42)
Boomstick: Uhm...
Wiz: In this first encounter, Death displays some notable abilities.
Arsenal & Abilities:
Sickles
Pyrokinesis
Magic Immunity
Omnipresence
Fear Sense
Tracking/Hunting
Immortality
Supernatural Strength
Supernatural Speed & Reflexes
Hallucination Inducement
Wiz: Death was fast enough to not only dodge multiple of Puss's sword swings, but disarmed his sword with his sickle before Puss noticed.
Boomstick: Wait, that was his sickle? I thought that was his hand. He put it away that fast.
Wiz: Of course! Death can move faster than the eye can see! And he seems to also possess supernatural strength as he can effortlessly slice through this wooden table. And of course, being Death, he knows the lives and deaths of everyone of his prey. This can count as a form of omnipresence. And maybe because he's a wolf he can also tell if you're scared by sniffing the air.
Boomstick: Screw that basic bull, Wiz! The dude SLICED THE HEAD OF PUSS IN BOOTS! ...But in the song, Puss said he's never been touched by a blade...
Wiz: Having been overwhelmed by this mysterious wolf, Puss was for the first time in his career scared.
Boomstick: The song said he is NEVER AFRAID!
Wiz: Lives flashed before Puss's eyes. Now feeling the fear of incoming death, Puss ran away. Death DID let him leave for now, but he'll keep hunting him down. Because as he says: no one has escaped Death yet.
Boomstick: Now closely like your everyday average old man on his last legs, Puss had no chose but to hang up the ol' cape, hat, sword, and boots and become a resident at Mama Luna's Cat Rescue. There, he was renamed "Pickles" and treated like a normal housecat, unable to shave, bathe, or use the toilet. The litterbox he went!
Wiz: Puss's adventurous spirit was gone.
Boomstick: At least that was until freaking Goldilocks and the 3 Bears came knocking!
Wiz: They were after Puss because he had knowledge of a mystical object hidden in the Dark Forest; a fallen star that can grant any wish: The Wishing Star.
Boomstick: Seeing this as a way for him to get back all 8 of his lives, Puss re-equipped his gear and made his way for the Wishing Star. But his impending Death was close. Now fast-forward, Puss is joined by a dog named Perrito and his would-be wife Kitty Softpaws, Big Fat Cheeks Jack Horner is after the Wishing Star, too. All 3 parties face trials, but all the while, Death was following Puss the whole time.
Wiz: This shows that Death is completely unaffected by the magical, reality-warping properties of the Dark Forest, appearing inside a crystal trap that isolated Puss in Boots from his friends.
Boomstick: Now you might be asking "shouldn't Death have already gotten to Puss by now if this is the case"? Yeah, though this IS the Grim Reaper. So, he got sidetracked when he had other souls to collect. All thanks Big Cheeks.
https://youtu.be/P6NboMzjKJo?t=11 (0:17-0:38)
Boomstick: Anyway, here is another demonstration of Death's *dead*-ly strength.
https://youtu.be/6d6H9n2CVzw (2:10-3:15)
Wiz: Speaking of the "crystal trap", it's not clear what TYPE of crystals these are. But in any case, crystals as we know are very strong and resilient, often needing a drill or nail and hammer to at least chisel pieces off. How much energy it takes to break a crystal varies depending on the different power requirements, but in most cases, at a minimum for something that instantly slices through stone, 727 J/cc is the bare minimum. And Death completely shattered 8 crystals effortlessly both with his hands and his sickles. This implies that Death was using a force similar to, or slightly more than the strength required to shatter these crystals. Death also has a form of illusion-casting, as he is both able to project his face on these crystals and change their color. Also, while chasing Puss through the woods, he projected images to confuse and scare Puss.
Boomstick: Ok, I know Puss has been cheating death for a long time, but why is he so extreme? He's been stalking Puss this hold time, enjoying tormenting the poor Pussy.
Wiz: Because this chase is personal. Having arrogantly and recklessly wasted all 8 of his lives, Puss hasn't valued any of them. All the while repeatedly claiming he "laughs in the face of death". Which basically means that Puss was insulting Death.
Boomstick: So, Death is both disappointed AND pissed.
Wiz: So to make sure Puss doesn't waste another, Death might as well take his soul, NOW.
Boomstick: Run, Puss! Rápido!
https://youtu.be/6d6H9n2CVzw (3:19-3:26)
Wiz: After trial and error, Puss and his friends finally make it to the Wishing Star. But so did Goldilocks and the 3 Bears-
Boomstick: And Big Chack!
Wiz: Now take note that during this admittedly epic final battle, there is a magical wall that erases the existence of anyone caught in it.
https://youtu.be/P6NboMzjKJo?t=11 (0:39-0:49)
Feats:
Swiftly disarmed Puss's sword
Sliced Puss’s head with his Sickle, which nobody has ever done
Struck fear into Puss, who claimed to be a "fearless hero"
Claims no one has escaped him
Was unharmed by the magic wall of the wishing star, which instantly disintegrated anyone who touched them
Easily smashed multiple large crystal pillars
https://youtu.be/6d6H9n2CVzw (3:27)
Boomstick: Oh my god! That's so damn cool!
Wiz: However, we already established Death was able to just wander the Dark Forest without having to struggle through any magic obstacles. This magic wall isn't any different.
https://youtu.be/6d6H9n2CVzw (3:33)
Wiz: And here in this ring of hell fire is where Puss takes his final stand. Will he take the coward's way out and make his wish or is he going to fight?
Boomstick: Hmph, pointless! Even I won't tango with a literal force of nature!
Wiz: NOW. NOW. Don't jump to conclusions, Boomstick.
https://youtu.be/6d6H9n2CVzw (3:56-5:14)
Boomstick: My man always, Puss.
Wiz: Yes. Despite the literal grim reaper supposedly being a "force of nature", he CAN be touched, hurt and even outsmarted. But most importantly, he has respect for the worthy. You see, in taking this journey with his friends, Puss bonded with them. Even patching up his relationship with Kitty. No longer alone or afraid of the inevitable, Puss will continue to fight for his last life.
Boomstick: So, being a man of honor and Puss no longer fearing him, Death decided to finally fuck off. Until next time that is... Oh and how about ONE last death for the road.
https://youtu.be/P6NboMzjKJo?t=11 (0:50)
Boomstick: Adios, Big Chack!
Rattlesnake Jake[]
Wiz: This is the story of a theatrical-minded chameleon. Stranded in the blazing heat of Nevada's Mojave Desert after a car accident, he learns from a nine-banded armadillo fittingly named Roadkill of an Old-timely Western town called Dirt, where water only comes in through a mysterious rite on Wednesdays. Bad for his thirst but with no other options, the chameleon heads out into the desert.
Boomstick: There, he narrowly avoids being eaten by a hawk and having his head-blown off by an iguana named Beans.
Wiz: Stumbling into a saloon, his identity unfamiliar to everyone, took this opportunity to take the stage and put on an act. To present himself as a tough, daring, legendary killer from the West named "Rango". With this persona, "Rango" made up several lies like he killed all 7 of the infamous Jenkins Brothers with ONE BULLET. Which... How can I describe this? Hit a shovel, ricochets, which made the roof collapse, igniting alcohol that turned the Brothers into... statues? Then the other dies of an infection?
Boomstick: It's the Old West, Wiz. People aren't smarter than how they are now. Then after burping fire into a Gila monster's face, it was time for a duel. Which thankfully was interrupted by that hawk from earlier. It chases Rango around until he knocks over a water tower and crushes the hawk to death.
Wiz: Believing he did so intentionally, the townsfolk praise Rango, who is appointed as the new sheriff by Dirt's desert tortoise Mayor John. But the bad news for the townsfolk is that with the hawk dead, the infamous gunslinger Rattlesnake Jake has returned.
Background:
Alias: Rattlesnake Jake Douglas, Grim Reaper, Serpentine Devil
Species: Western Diamondback Rattlesnake
Mercenary hired by Mayor Tortoise John
Claimed to be the brother of Rango
Scared of hawks
Can tell if you're a killer by looking into your eyes
Wiz: In the town of Dirt, Jake Douglas, AKA Rattlesnake Jake, is thought of as a Grim Reaper, never leaving without taking a single soul. His kill count is presented in the town's graveyard: at least 7 citizens, including the original sheriff, Sheriff Amos.
Boomstick: Can't blame the people for fearing ol' Jake. As someone who have actually adopted one or two, rattlesnakes are PRETTY mean.
Arsenal & Abilities:
Gattling Gun
Marksmanship
Quick reflexes
Heightened senses
Swimming & Burrowing
Heat Signature
Great strength
Poisonous fangs & Venom
Wiz: Jake is an adult Western Diamondback Rattlesnake, which the average length they can grow is 4 feet. And although rarely, they can grow to 5 or 6 feet. But the record-breaking length is 7 feet long. Their weight is 3 to 6 pounds on average. This works in Jake's advantage since he can use his coils to squeeze the life out of smaller prey. He can also slam his bodyweight on the grown to create minor powerful waves and make a crack.
https://youtu.be/4isRoovp1aU (0:56-1:14)
https://youtu.be/Zu2XttcT0N4 (3:40, 3:48)
Wiz: A Western Diamondback Rattlesnake's striking speed is approximately 6.59 mph, taking third place in the list of the world’s fastest striking snakes.
Boomstick: Eh, the other natural abilities of the Western Diamondback Rattlesnake is swimming, detecting movement by sensing vibrations in the ground, smell via tasting the air. Like normal rattlesnakes, Rattlesnake Jake has venom contained in his fangs, which he only shows ONCE in this movie.
Wiz: But we can use real life information: Like most other American pit vipers, the venom of the Western Diamondback Rattlesnake contains proteolytic enzymes. The venom of this species is primarily hemotoxic, affecting mainly the blood vessels, blood cells, and the heart. The venom contains hemorrhagic components called zinc metalloproteinases, cytotoxins and mycotoxins, which destroy cells and muscles, adding damage to the cardiovascular system. This can lead to heart failure via blood blockage.
Boomstick: Oh, but let's not forget a detail that you find in any biology book on snakes: a fucking Gatling gun!
Wiz: It's unknown how Jake lost his original rattle-tail. But speculations say it might have happened while fighting the Hawk in his past and his rattle was injured.
Boomstick: As a badass western gunslinger with a reputation, Jake uses his Gatling gun with both speed and accuracy. Exemplified when he made a damn-good introduction, shooting down the Sheriff sign without damaging anything or anyone else. This is quite impressive considering Gatling guns are known for having poor accuracy and are, you know, messy.
https://youtu.be/No1RhdPh9VU?t=135 (2:15-2:21)
Wiz: Typically, a Gatling gun's bullets travel at speeds of 1000 to 3000 feet per second, which is equivalent to over 1,800 miles per hour.
Boomstick: OK, since we've gone over anatomy of snakes, we need to know Jake's deal. It came to Jake's attention that "Sheriff Rango" has been telling stories to make himself sound like the noble hero he made himself up to be. Including the lies he told about Jake and him being brothers and killing the Jenkins Brothers. But all it took to reveal the true size of the chameleon's balls was by testing if they were big enough to kill a demon.
https://youtu.be/No1RhdPh9VU (3:45-5:47)
Wiz: Visibly too scared to pull the trigger and no killer seen in his eyes, but fear, Rango was exposed for the liar he was. Seeing no purpose in staying in Dirt, Rango dropped his badge and walked away.
Boomstick: Now with the "sheriff" gone, the town mayor, Mayor Tortious John could focus on uh... progression.
Wiz: Let's back up for context. The reason for Dirt's drought is a result of Mayor John cutting off the town's water supply via an emergency valve, which is actually connected to Las Vegas. And he was also keeping a huge supply of water stored in the bank, having the bank teller, Johannes Merrimack III, killed to avoid loose ends. While this was happening, Mayor John was building a modern city over the desert surrounding Dirt. So, he was going to let Dirt dry and die out and make way for a new. As he puts it "whoever controls the water controls everything".
Boomstick: And you remember that Gila monster? His name is William Murphy or "Bad Bill"-Mayor John's enforcer. Who most likely carried out Johannes's murder.
Wiz: After Rango deduced his plans, Mayor John called in Rattlesnake Jake to keep him out of town. It turns out, Rattlesnake Jake was hired by Mayor John.
Boomstick: Back to the fallen sheriff. He met... FUCKING CLINT EASTWOOD!!??
Wiz: Ahem. The foretold "Spirit of the West" had appeared to the lost chameleon. He told the reptile that instead of just acting like someone he's not, be and do what needs to be done. Because it's not about what you think of yourself or what others think of you, it's about the deeds that are done for the sake of others.
Boomstick: With his eyes opened with new purpose, the chameleon put on the Sherrif's star and act one more time and returned to Dirt. Because no man can walk out of his own story. But a giant with snake in town, Rango gathered help ranging from walking yuccas, and a family of bat-riding moles. And now Rango was prepared to duel with the devilish snake.
Feats:
Terrorized the Town of Dirt, never leaving without taking a soul with him
- Kills include Sheriff Amos, all 7 Jenkins Bros, and Mayor Tortoise John
Humiliated and intimidated Rango into leaving Dirt
Managed to accurately:
- Shoot a wooden sign from far away
- Shoot a sniper at a long range
- Shoot down a flock of bats out of the sky
Gets sent flying upward by a pilar of water and is unharmed after the fall
Cracked the ground apart both by slamming down his body or digging from underground
Wiz: While we're here, let's include other feats of Jake. He was able to hear a sniper from far away and shoot that sniper down from that same long range.
Boomstick: And in one of the most AMAZING pieces of gunslinging I've ever seen, Jake shot down a flock of birds right out of the sky!
Wiz: We need to mention that snakes can't see well, likely due to their evolutionary history as borrowers; their eyes useless while living underground. Their only able to see things that are right in front of them.
Boomstick: The Western Diamondback Rattlesnake are referred to as "pit vipers". Meaning that they have a heat sensing pit, the loreal pit, located behind each nostril that can detect differences in temperature, sometimes differences that are only a fraction of a degree apart. The heat given off by an animal is detected by the snake, helping it to determine predator from prey. Explains how he can see if someone is capable of killing another person by quote-on-quote "looking at their eyes". He's actually sensing another's increase body temperature caused by stress and anxiety.
https://youtu.be/Ui0OQWkjTws?t=311 (5:11-5:26)
(Wiz stands in silence, looking at Boomstick)
Boomstick: Like I said: adopted snakes.
Wiz: After returning all the water back to the town of Dirt, including shooting a bullet from the inside of a water container...
Boomstick: With ONE bullet!
Wiz: Rattlesnake Jake showed new-found respect for Rango.
https://youtu.be/Ui0OQWkjTws?t=311 (5:52-6:21)
Boomstick: You see, ol' Jake wasn't actually a demon like he was described. Rather, it was his actions that shaped his character. Jake despises liars, which is why he was mad at Rango while exposing he was fraud.
Wiz: But with the chameleon proving he was worthy of the title as "legend", Rattlesnake Jake tipped his hat to him and slithered away into the horizon, carrying yet another soul with him...
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all!
Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!!!
DEATH BATTLE[]
INTRO The sun shines over the desert. The wind blows. A man's scream is heard from the Town of Dirt. There, an anthropomorphic desert banded gecko is being hung upside down by the coiled body of Rattlesnake Jake. The smiling devilish snake stares the frightened gecko in the eyes.
Rattlesnake Jake: (manically laughs) Another soul for the collection... The Devil's collection.
Jake stops smiling when he hears an eerie whistle behind him. He throws the gecko to the side and swiftly turns around, his gatling gun tail ready to shoot. But no one was there. Jake licks the air with his tongue. With an awe expression, Jake slowly looks to his right. He sees a hooded wolf sitting crisscross on a rock.
Death: Well, well. If it isn't Rattlesnake Jake, himself.
Rattlesnake Jake: Who are you?
Death: (snickering) DEATH.
The word echoes through the air. Jake rattles his tail.
Rattlesnake Jake: There can only be one Grim Reaper. And it's what you're seeing in front of you...
Death: So i've heard.
Death stands up and pulls out both his sickles. Both beings of death stare down each other. A bell rings in the background.