Intro[]
Wiz: Movies often have villains which barely tip the bar, but these two have gone above and beyond to become legendary.
Boomstick: And if Dreamworks is trying to suggest that walking, talking animals with white fur make to excellent bad guys. They're goddam right!
Wiz: Death, the cloaked assassin
Boomstick: And Tai Lung, the kung-fu student of Shifu. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to determine their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
Death[]
Boomstick: Imagine, if you will, a fearless hero who laughed at the face of death. A warrior who's a shining glimpse of hope in our darkest times. A selfless icon that protects his town time and time again from all sorts of wacky monsters.
Wiz: This was the legendary hero, Puss In Boots. But unfortunately, in his case, legends never live forever. After saving his town from a giant using a bell as a primary weapon, he was crushed by said bell and died.
Boomstick: It's okay wiz, Puss has 9 lives. He is a cat after all.
Wiz: Right but after some...incidents involving bulls, shellfish, cannons and drunkenly falling off buildings to drunkenly prove a point, his life count was reduced from 9 to 1. Forcing Boots to retire forever, Until he magically found a way to regain his lost lives. The Wishing Star.
Boomstick: But in order to get it, Puss had to go through a shit ton of people. Like goldilocks and her bears, Jack Horner of all people, and a big ass wolf man in a hood and cloak which can appear anywhere.
Wiz: While Puss had previously encounter this strange character, he was fooled into thinking the wolf was a bounty hunter. Until the wolf made his return and announced to Puss that he was Death.
Boomstick: And he doesn't mean it metaphorically or rhetorically or poetically or theoretically or any other fancy way. This was Death, STRAIGHT UP!
Wiz: As the embodiment of death, AKA the Grim Reaper, Death has superhuman strength, speed and durability. Perfect for hunting and harvesting souls.
Boomstick: As a wolf person, Death can use his claws and teeth into combat. But incase he ever wants to get serious, he breaks out his primary weapon of choice. Not a stupid lame scythe, these are dual-handed sickles with 8 crosses, 4 on each sickle. Each one of these marks represents one of Puss's many deaths through history. And he wields and uses these sickles like there's no tomorrow...for them.
Wiz: Technically Death is a spirit and can only be seen and physically interacted with his prey. Anyone else won't see him. But as a spirit, Death can't die through normal conventional means.
Boomstick: He can create fire, smell fear, induce hallucinations and, for some reason, is immune to magic.
Wiz: Fought against Puss multiple times. He's even made him bleed, which no other villain has done before him.
Boomstick: He's broken down pillars which showcase all of Puss's previous lifes, match and surpass Puss in combat, move faster then the eye can track. He's even walked through the fire created by the Wishing Star, which disintegrated anyone who barely touches it.
Wiz: But despite all of this, Death is not quite the warrior he makes out to be. He taunted Puss so many times he no longer smelled fear, he might've had a temper considering the fact he went after Puss rather than waiting for him to die and also finds the idea of cats possessing 9 lives is ridiculous
Boomstick: But just because he has a temper, doesn't mean he's your worst nightmare. If you ever hear his whistling tune, prepare yourself. Death is near, and nobody can save you.
Tai Lung[]
Wiz: The Dragon Warrior. The highest ranking of a kung-fu master.
Boomstick: Unless you count the Celestial Phoenix, but we don't really talk about the show.
Wiz: Legend tells that originally, a leopard was supposed to gain access to the secrets of limitless power. This was Tai Lung.
Boomstick: Tai was adopted by the kung-fu teacher, Shifu. He was trained for all his life until 20 years later, he could acquire the Dragon Scroll for himself.
Wiz: And make Shifu proud. However, Master Oogway saw something different. He saw darkness in Tai Lung's heart and refused to offer the Dragon Scroll, Shifu did nothing to defend Tai Lung.
Boomstick: He rampaged through the Valley of Peace fueled by nothing but his own fury and got an idea. He'd break into the jade palace and steal the Scroll for himself. But he was stopped by Oogway and was sent to Chorh-Gom Prison for another 20 years.
Wiz: After years to being mocked, Tai Lung broke out of the prison.
Boomstick: And kicked the shit out of a lot of rhinos. He even sent one of them flying with a maul in his mouth.
Wiz: Like most other students of Shifu, Tai Lung was adapt at Leopard style. While it's supposed to be reminiscence of a leopard's moves, Tai lung using it without mercy to his opponent. Along with many other techniques such as pressure-points to paralyze foes.
Boomstick: Or just straight up light his own hands on fire and beat the shit out of you. Kinda like what he did with Shifu when he returned home.
Wiz: Tai Lung has survived a collapsing building, fallen 679 feet from the air and is strong enough to throw a whole rack of weapons at Shifu.
Boomstick: He did eventually get his own hands on the Dragon Scroll, but it was blank. And was defeated by Po, the real Dragon Warrior.
Wiz: Po sent Tai Lung to the spirit realm, never to disturb another soul, again.
Boomstick: But if Tai Lung ever comes back, you better watch yourself. This is one leopard i wouldn't want to piss off.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the Combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!