| What's Black, Crazy, and Red All Over? | |
|---|---|
| Season | 3 |
| Season Episode | 1 |
| Air date | May 23, 2021 |
| Written by | Professor Mewtwo |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Rick Sanchez vs Axe Cop |
Next Shantae vs Ladybug |
Deadpool vs Harley Quinn is a What-If? Death Battle created by Professor Mewtwo it features Deadpool from the comic book series Marvel pitted against Harley Quinn from the comic book series DC.
Description[]
Marvel vs DC! The most iconic psychopathic anti-heroes are finally going head to head and things are bound to get wild! Will the Merc with a Mouth take down another target or does the Maiden of Mischief have a few tricks up her sleeve?
Poll[]
Got any roots or bets? Make sure to vote in the discussion poll!
Interlude[]
Wiz: In every society there are always a select few who don't play by the rules. They are rebels who live freely with no regard for the morality of their actions.
Boomstick: Some might be heroes, some might be villains, but most of them are just down right crazy.
Boomstick: Like Deadpool, Marvel's mischievous mutant mercenary.
Wiz: And Harley Quinn, the ex-henchwoman turned standout supervillain of DC.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And its our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
(Cue a long awkward silence)
Boomstick: Isn't this the part where Deadpool comes out of nowhere to annoy us?
Wiz: I think so... he usually shows up when we mention his name.
Boomstick: Huh, I guess he's not coming. I'm going to save a lot of money on headache medicine.
(Suddenly Deadpool!)
Deadpool: SUPRISE, I'M BACK!!!
Boomstick: Ah!
(Boomstick jumps in shock and lands in Wiz's arms. His weight causes Wiz to collapse, brining them both to the floor.)
Wiz: ...owww.
Deadpool: Oh, I have a good feeling about this episode.
Deadpool breaks into Death Battle (Fanon)[]
Deadpool: Helloooooo internet! My name is Ryan Renolds. I was your typical handsome Hollywood actor, until the tragic day I stared in the Green Lantern. It's CGI effects were so bad it gave me cancer. My only hope lied in Canada where I met Jesus. He told me I was the chosen one destined to purge the world of evil, so he gave me superpowers that turned me into the amazing Deadpool. I would go on to save the world countless times such as when I blew up the Death Star, won the Tournament of Power, and kicked Donald Trump in the balls. And that is my entire life story, the end!
Wiz: (*groans as he gets up*) All that… was one hundred percent bullsh*t. Though I wouldn’t be surprised considering that you don’t even remember the details of your past.
Boomstick: Like how you keep saying your family life was dysfunctional as hell, but it was actually pretty normal. Back of the line pal, some of us have real issues.
Wiz: Or how your supposed secret identity “Wade Wilson” is not your real name, but rather a name you stole from someone else.
Deadpool: Hey, don’t belittle by backstory! Now how about you do your jobs and get to the good stuff starting with my awesome military career.
Boomstick: Fine. Like any natural born psychopath, “Wade”, if that is your real name, was eager to get his hands on a gun. So he joined the military as a teenager and was so good at his job that he became one of America’s best assassins at 19 years old.
Wiz: Wade travelled the world, making quite a name for himself and even scoring a girlfriend. It seemed like life was going to be perfect for him until he was diagnosed with a severe case of cancer.
Deadpool: Severe is putting it lightly, I had 34 frickin tumors. I’m not even sure how that’s possible, but it is. Life had pretty much f*cked me to death, but I was given a second chance by the super-secret-super-soldier factory better known as Weapon X.
Wiz: Through painful experimentation, Weapon X was able to save Wade by injecting him with the healing factor of a previous test subject, the Wolverine. At first, the experiment seemed to be a complete success until the side effects kicked in.
Boomstick: That new healing factor didn’t exactly get rid of his cancer, but instead made it worse. It may not be able to kill him, but it did drive him insane and turn his face into a baked potato that was in the microwave for too long.
Wiz: More like the Cryptkeeper’s uglier older brother.
Boomstick: Or some poor animal that got run over by a semi then drenched with acid.
Deadpool: Ahem.
Wiz: Oh right, the analysis. Wade was deemed a failed experiment and left to rot in the Weapon X facility for the remainder of his life.
Boomstick: Kind of like those mutilated test subjects you keep in your lab.
Wiz: Wait, you know about those-
Boomstick: Naturally Wade was all like “screw that sh*t” and busted himself out. Now that he was back on the streets with a newfound powers, Wade was ready to take on the world under his new name: Deadpool.
Deadpool: Yes, the world was full of sh*tbags causing chaos and destruction. Despair had enshrouded the light of the world. There was only one thing a man like me could do, and that thing was… join in on the fun as a henchman for hire.
Wiz: Yeah, Deadpool isn’t exactly a moral compass, but there were a few people who actually saw good in him and convinced the Merc with a Mouth to pursue a more heroic path that could hopefully save him from his own insanity.
Deadpool: That and the superhero career is a lot more profitable. Take one awesome video game, two kick-a$$ movies, and more merchandise than any nerd can handle and you’re racking in enough dough to make Scrooge McDuck’s jaw drop.
Boomstick: Hero or villain, you just can’t stop being a d*ck can you.
Deadpool: Perhaps, but I’m also the d*ck your ex-wife couldn’t get enough of.
Boomstick: Don’t make me get out my shotgun again.
Wiz: That won’t do you any good. In case you forgot, Deadpool signature gimmick is his near-invincible healing factor derived from Wolverine himself. Deadpool’s body can regenerate from all manner of damage. Whether it’s bullet wounds, severed limbs, incineration, et cetera, Deadpool will always come back much to everyone’s annoyance.
Deadpool: It’s more than a one-trick pony though. My healing factor provides an extended life-span, resistance to poisons and diseases, and a resistance to psychic attacks so powerful that not even Cable, the guy who can read the entire planet’s mind, could get into my brain.
Wiz: Even if Cable could read your mind, I don’t think he would want to know what goes on in there.
Popup: The villain Madcap was once trapped inside Deadpool's mind and communicated with him through white textboxes. However, his interaction with the latter’s subconscious left him emotionally scarred by the time he escaped.
Deadpool: Yeah, the popups don’t lie, it's a madhouse in there, but point is nothing short of my absolute destruction will keep me down for good.
Boomstick: The Weapon X experiments didn’t just make Deadpool an unkillable monster. His strength, speed, and durability have been pushed to superhuman levels. Combine that with his years of assassination experience and he’s one hell of a fighter.
Wiz: As an ex-Special Forces member, Wade was most likely trained in several martial arts including Judo, Muay Thai, Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu, and his specialty Savate, a French martial art that combines English boxing with graceful foot kicks.
Boomstick: Deadpool has a million ways to kill you with his bare hands, but surprisingly his deadliest weapon is his mouth. All those quips and pop culture references aren’t just for laughs, he intentionally annoys his opponents to lower their guard and go in for a decisive blow.
Wiz: It’s absolutely absurd, and that’s just how Deadpool likes it. His unpredictable nature makes it impossible to figure out what he’ll do next allowing him to develop convoluted strategies to outwit his opponents.
Deadpool: But don’t forget the most important power of all, the ability to break the fourth-wall, a gift granted by the almighty Beyonder himself during the Secret Wars. It gives me complete awareness of all things fictional and even lets me mess with it to some extent. I can time-travel by going back a few pages, pull a Zack Morris for a time-freezing monologue, and say hi to friends from other forms of media.
Wiz: We are not friends.
Deadpool: You can’t deny your love for me!
Boomstick: If by love you mean hate, then yeah, there’s no denying that.
Wiz: Well Deadpool’s fourth wall breaking could also explain his use of the magic satchel, a technique used in animation to allow characters to store seemingly endless items, or in Deadpool’s case his massive arsenal of death and destruction.
Boomstick: He’s got every firearm imaginable. Handguns, shotguns, miniguns, machine guns, sniper rifles, energy rifles, flamethrowers, a rabid hamster gun… don’t question it, and for extra destruction he’ll throw in grenade launchers and bazookas.
Popup: Deadpool once made special arrows out of explosives and foam Hulk hands. It was apparently impressive enough that Hawkeye wanted to use it in battle.
Wiz: Those aren’t the only explosives in Deadpool’s arsenal. He has your typical flashbang, smoke, and explosive grenades, timed and remote detonated bombs, exploding shurikens, and disturbingly disguised explosives such as… well let’s just call them “baby boomers”.
Boomstick: Despite all these long ranged options, Deadpool loves to get all up in your face even if you don’t want him to. When that happens watch out for those twin katanas. They don’t seem like much, but thanks to the energy field in his suit he can power them up to cut through nearly anything. The suit also powers other essential gear like his teleporter that can go basically anywhere, a cosmic taser for harming omnipotent beings, and his holographic image inducer.
Wiz: The image inducer is less of a weapon and more of a means for Deadpool to disguise his disfigured face. To demonstrate, I’ve attached one to our robotic test subject DUMMI.
DUMMI floats into the room. Wiz takes out a remote and repeatedly pushes a button, causing DUMMI’s form to change.
Wiz: In an instant, Deadpool can surround himself in a perfect hologram of what he desires, giving him unlimited disguises to use before going in for the decisive kill.
DUMMI continues changing from a basketball, to a planet, to a floating baby head, and eventually stops on a bomb duct taped to a hoverboard. Upon seeing the bomb, Wiz starts hitting the remote’s button faster and faster only for nothing to happen.
Boomstick: It’s a good thing that's DUMMI and not an actual bomb.
Another DUMMI then wanders into the room
DUMMI: I heard someone call me. Is it time to be dismantled again?
Boomstick: Wait… if that’s DUMMI, then what is…
Deadpool: Oh, that? It’s just a little payback for what happened in Rick’s analysis. Hope you like it, bye!
Deadpool wanders off while Wiz and Boomstick look panicked
DUMMI: How tragic.
The bomb goes off, blowing DUMMI offscreen and leaving Wiz and Boomstick covered in ash.
Boomstick: This is the last time we’re letting that maniac be in a Death Battle.
Wiz: Agreed. Anyways, Deadpool did have a rocky start on his rise to heroism, but over time he learned how to become a hero and quite a popular one at that. He became an essential member to teams such as the Thunderbolts, the X-Force, and the Avengers themselves. Deadpool would later create his own team the Mercs for Money and become the founder of the Deadpool Corps, a team consisting of other Deadpools from across multiple realities.
Boomstick: Oh God, now there’s more of them! Though credit where it’s due, they were enough to save the entire multiverse twice. During one of those adventures Deadpool fought and beat his doppelganger Dreadpool, who managed to kill every single character in the Marvel universe.
Wiz: Deadpool has fought plenty of other powerful contenders too. He matched master martial artists like Captain America and Iron Fist in combat, outsmarted Taskmaster who can predict his opponents next move, and bested Wolverine in a duel. His marksmanship is so impressive that he can tag a dragonfly with a rock and he is agile enough to dodge Surge’s lightning and a laser from a robotic pterodactyl.
Boomstick: Deadpool has kicked Moon Knight through a concrete wall and swung around a 6 ton helicopter like it was nothing, but for all the damage he’s done, Deadpool has tanked it 10 times over. He’s shrugged off a point-blank energy blast from a Godzilla-like monster, survived hits from Thor and the Hulk, and was perfectly fine after an explosion that reduced a huge building to a crater which took about 130 tons to TNT to pull off.
Popup: Some of Deadpool’s durability feats were due to an immortality curse granted by Thanos. The curse was later removed when Thanos became desperate to kill Deadpool.
Wiz: All thanks to that healing factor keeping Deadpool together. He is so difficult to kill that enemies believed the only way to execute him was to throw him in a woodchipper, feed the remains to piranhas, burn the piranhas, and proceed to snort the ashes.
Boomstick: Crazy must really be contagious.
Deadpool: And if I felt like adding more to my list of achievements. I can just pull out the Continuity Gem which lets me rewrite canon like any good AU writer.
Wiz: Too bad you decided that the gem was too dangerous and gave it back to the editors never to be seen again.
Deadpool: You’re just mad that it brought me back after you went through all that effort to kill me. But I cannot be stopped, I will live forever, you will never get rid of me-
Wiz pulls out a remote and pushes a button. This causes the platform below Deadpool to spring upwards and send Deadpool flying far, far away.
Deadpool: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
Wiz: Finally, I was this close to losing my mind.
Boomstick: You couldn’t have done that earlier?
Wiz: Uhhhhh…. Well Deadpool obviously isn’t perfect. His reckless nature constantly lands himself in danger, and while his healing factor can fix everything some wounds take longer to heal than others.
Boomstick: And Deadpool never managed to become the ideal hero he wanted. His insanity makes him an a$$hole 24/7 causing tension between him and his allies and forcing him into situations that take him back to his villainous roots.
Wiz: It’s as they say: “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”, but it’s not that Deadpool wants to cause this chaos, but rather he has to.
Boomstick: No way.
Wiz: The all-knowing Watchers themselves proclaimed that Deadpool is a progenitor of sorts who shapes reality through his own antics, both good and evil. In short, no universe can exist without the madness that is Deadpool.
Boomstick: There’s a reason Deadpool is one of Marvel’s biggest icons. Love him or hate him, the Merc with a Mouth is here to stay.
(Movie) Deadpool: You all caught up now?
Deadpool flicks a match into the air and it falls into an oil drum. The drum, along with a few adjacent drums explode and send Deadpool's parts flying everywhere.
Harley Quinn is crazy for Death Battle[]
Wiz: If you ever met Harleen Quinzel in her childhood, she would appear to be your average girl from Brooklyn getting through life by getting good grades and raising her younger siblings.
Boomstick: But this girl was crazy long before Arkham, which we’ll get to in a second. Harleen has done sh*t ranging from setting squirrels on fire as a practical joke to nearly hanging a bully to death while dressed as Wonder Woman. Still, Harleen’s life went on normally. She ended up graduating from Gotham University and becoming the last thing you would expect a sociopath to be: a psychiatrist.
Wiz: Harleen had a fascination with the criminal mind and wanted to know what made the bad guys tick. As luck would have it, she ended up getting a job at the notorious Arkham Asylum which might as well be renamed the “Hotel for Supervillains”.
Boomstick: And it’s full of people who need a therapist, guards included. We’re talking about mutant outcasts, an antisocial plant lady, a calendar-obsessed madman, and a guy who I kid you not calls himself “The Idiot”, yet none of these criminal nutjobs can compete with the biggest nutjob of all The Joker, no introduction needed.
Wiz: Despite numerous warnings from the other doctors, Harleen insisted that she could learn the secrets of The Joker and began having regular therapy sessions with him. With each session the two grew closer and Joker began to spill his presumed secrets. It was during one session in particular that Joker suggested that Harleen’s name could be shortened to sound like “harlequin”.
Boomstick: An oddly concerning thing to mention, but Harleen didn’t care. She had already fallen madly in-love with The Joker at that point. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure it’s against the rules for doctors to date their patients. You know what else is against the rules: breaking the psychotic murder clown out of prison and running away with him.
Wiz: Long story short, The Joker had been manipulating Harleen the whole time, slowly picking at her psyche and reducing the once brilliant psychiatrist to his lovestruck follower. To complete her descent into madness, Joker took Harleen to the same chemical plant where his persona was born and dumped her into a vat of chemicals. In that instance, Harleen Quinzel was no more and out emerged the Maiden of Mischief: Harley Quinn.
Boomstick: Hold on, I remember some of the early comics, and I swear Harley was just wearing makeup. I’m pretty sure she never got the same skin bleaching as her boyfriend.
Popup: Harley Quinn initially debuted in Batman: The Animated Series. However, this analysis will primarily focus on Harley’s New Earth and Prime Earth iterations as they are considered part of DC’s mainstream.
Wiz: Well technically yes, but DC likes to reboot their continuity every now and then. Harley’s skin was later turned pure white after the New 52 incident rewrote her origin story.
Boomstick: Still, regardless of what continuity she’s in, Harley made for a much better super villain than a psychiatrist. Like her puddin, she’s a cunning manipulator who can get into anyone’s head and bends them to her will. Add that with gymnastics history and she’s able to keep up with the likes of Batman in both brains and brawn.
Wiz: And that’s before she was infused with Joker’s chemicals which granted her incredible pain resistance and an immunity to all types of toxins, perfect for when you’re in love with a man who specializes in various poisons. Even if she was just a henchwoman, Harley Quinn proved to be a formidable adversary and one of Joker’s deadliest weapons. Sadly though, all jokes must come to an end as Joker grew bored of his right hand.
Boomstick: So he did the only logical thing, told Harley her services were no longer required then fired her… out of a frickin rocket in an attempt to kill her! By the way, when I said logical, I meant logical by Joker’s standards not legitimately logical standards.
Wiz: Yeesh… that might be one of the harshest breakups in comic book history.
Boomstick: How would you know? You can’t even get a date. Fortunately, Harley survived the crash landing and was patched up by her close friend Poison Ivy. Obviously p*ssed that the Joker tried to kill her, Harley swore she’d get the last laugh by becoming an even greater supervillain than him.
Wiz: And Ivy, being a fellow Joker hater, had something that would give Harley the edge she needed. Being a genius scientist, Ivy was able to concoct a potion that pushed Harley physical abilities beyond those of any normal human.
Boomstick: Think of it like “Captain America in a bottle”. Enhanced strength, speed, durability, stamina, reflexes, she’s got the whole package. Also it let’s her breathe underwater because of some weird plant that Ivy mixed into it. Just how the hell does that potion work?
Wiz: I’m sure there’s no side effects she needs to worry about. With her newfound resolve and abilities Harley Quinn became a force to be reckoned with. Heroes struggled to apprehend her and villains were given quite the competition, but it wasn’t just her heavily altered body that got her so far. Harley possesses a highly destructive arsenal with almost every weapon imaginable.
Boomstick: Her go-to weapon is her cartoonishly oversized mallet. Sure any weapon made of wood doesn't seem that deadly, but with one clean hit Harley can whack your head clean off. Even if the swing misses, it has a built in boxing glove that pops out for a surprise sucker punch. Though if she wants real firepower, she can bust out her classic Pop-Gun. It’s a miracle of a firearm that supports all sorts of rounds from Kryptonite blasts, confetti bombs that ensnare you, to hardcore explosive that demolish everything.
Wiz: Harley wields plenty of other firearms as well such as shotguns, crossbows, sniper rifles, miniguns, flamethrowers, and rocket launchers. Her weaponry is quite versatile in close-corners as well with baseball bats, katanas, whips, hidden knives, and less practical weapons like electric yo-yos and... rubber chickens?
Boomstick: Just imagine how stupid you would feel if that thing ever knocked you out. It totally can, but still… it’s a f*cking chicken of all things.
Popup: In the animated movie Batman and Harley Quinn, Harley possessed small amounts of Joker Venom that could incapacitate someone upon contact. While she has never used this in the comics, it is implied she does know how to make her own Joker Venom.
Wiz: A hilariously unfortunate way to go out, but much better than dealing with the explosives she carries. Harley is quite skilled at disguising bombs in the most unexpected places. She has worn them as tassels, imbued them into a special Grenade Gum, and once stored enough destructive power to level a city block within a mere smartphone.
Boomstick: But don’t worry, she’ll keep enough of you around to feed her hyenas Bud and Lou a proper dinner. I know it’s wrong for such a dangerous woman to own such dangerous pets, but I’ll gladly support any proud dog owner no matter what.
Wiz: Technically hyenas aren’t dogs, they are from an entirely different family and have more in common with cats.
Boomstick: Well then f*ck those hyenas! Anything related to cats cannot be trusted!
Wiz: Speaking of “trust”, it turns out that Harley isn’t the heartless psychopath you think she is. Throughout her many mischievous adventures she began to show that the once good doctor was still in there. This led her to pursue a more heroic path, but with her counterintuitive methods keep making her look like the villain in the end.
Popup: At one point Harley tried to take up the mantle of Batgirl. Unfortunately, this did not go well with the Bat Family who found it offensive towards the then crippled Barbara Gordon.
Boomstick: But she did manage to find some friends that would support her to the bitter end like the former government agent Sy Borgman, Egg Fu who is a literal talking egg, and a psychotic ex-soldier called Red Tool… wait is he who I think he is?
Wiz: Yup, he’s a parody created by DC themselves for the sole purpose of mocking the Merc with a Mouth, and for some reason he’s in love with Harley.
Boomstick: Huh, so he really is a tool. Moving back to Harley, she’s accomplished a lot since her breakup with The Joker. She’s contended with the likes of Killer Croc, Deadshot, and that time-travelling b*stard Booster Gold. Her combat skill is so great that she can fight on par with Batman who’s mastered every known martial art.
Wiz: And while she was still the Joker’s pawn, Harley was able to capture Batman and confine him to a death trap so detailed that he could not escape on his own. Batman even admitted that she had gotten closer to killing him than the Joker ever had.
Boomstick: D*mn, earning respect from Batman of all people is no easy feat. That respect is probably how she got into the Justice League and other teams like the Birds of Prey, Suicide Squad, and the Legion of Doom itself. I don’t think there’s a lot of people who can boast being in both the ultimate superhero team and the ultimate supervillain team.
Wiz: Harley even formed her own team, the Gang of Harleys, to stop crime in her own hometown of Brooklyn, but regardless of what team she is on Harley Quinn is pulling more than her own wait. She’s smashed her way through concrete walls, dodged a laser fired from several feet away, and withstood gravity intensification that cratered the ground beneath her.
Boomstick: All that is impressive, but don’t forget the time she ran on top of a giant pool ball with enough force nearly flattened some bounty hunters into pancakes. It’s clear now that this woman has never skipped leg day.
Wiz: Given the approximate size of the ball and assuming a polyester composition, this pool ball should weigh over 29 tons. Granted, it’s unlikely that Harley can move an object this heavy and likely just built up it's momentum to take advantage of the ball’s lack of balance, but getting it to move in the first place proves she is much stronger than you would expect.
Boomstick: And a lot more persistent too. Thanks to her pain tolerance, Harley has endured the worst of the worst. She can get hit by a car and land feet first as if nothing happened. Not to mention Harley’s survived getting blasted through a building and an explosion that covered a whole mansion. If that’s not crazy enough, you should have seen her endure torture on Apokolips.
Wiz: There, Harley was subjected to a machine called the Psycho Crusher which was supposed to erase her free will to the point she wouldn’t even remember her own name, yet after over 90,000 Metacognalculations, whatever those are, Harley Quinn was completely unfazed. The only explanation is that the depths of Harley’s insanity exceed what is physically possible. In fact, this insanity has given her awareness of the fourth wall itself.
Boomstick: Wait, what the f*ck!? Why didn’t you warn me!? Quick Wiz, board up the windows before she gets here!
Wiz: Calm down Boomstick, unlike another particular red and black comic book character, Harley has never manipulated the fourth-wall to her advantage. She only possesses an awareness of it allowing her to detect and anticipate changes in her reality.
Boomstick: Except for that time she got a hold of her own comic book which was immediately used to rewrite, destroy, and rebuild all of continuity. It’s a good thing Harley returned that power to the original writer because I’d rather not see what would happen if this crazy b*tch entered god mode.
Wiz: Agreed, Harley's unpredictable nature ensures that all her actions end in chaos. While it has been shown to be her greatest strength, it unfortunately doubles as her greatest weakness. Her mental instability makes it difficult to keep a level-head and is responsible for her constant shifts between good and evil. This makes her dangerous to both sides of the moral spectrum and in the worst case-scenarios nobody wins.
Boomstick: Such as the time Harley believed she was regaining sanity, but decided it was more fun to be crazy. So she sold video games to a bunch of people that then blew up and not only killed them, but any chance Harley had at going back to a normal life. That… that is… really f*cked up.
Wiz: Harley’s life is nothing if not full of uninterpretable madness. However, she’ll see this wild ride to the very end, and with everything she’s accomplished so far, it’s safe to say that Harley Quinn accomplished her goal and became someone much greater than The Joker.
Harley Quinn: I know you think you created me, but no one did. My fucked up parents didn’t make me the way I am, neither did Jessica Sarner when she fucking lied to the whole camp and said I lost my virginity to a horse, A HORSE, or those cops who questioned me for hours about what happened to Jessica Sarner, and you sure as hell didn’t create me puddin!
Joker: Yeah, well I named you!
Harley Quinn: You got Harley Quinn out of Harleen Quinzel? Nice work genius!
Harley smacks Joker in the face with a bat.
Harley Quinn: You didn’t make me Joker, I made myself!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Act 0: Prelude[]
Warning: Contains spoilers for my previous Death Battles
Our story begins with a breaking news report on TV. It showed dozens of people surrounding a large building barely being held back by security. Most of them were either holding microphones or huge cameras implying that they were all with the media. On the TV screen, one of the reporters held up her microphone to inform the audience about what was going on.
Lois: This is Lois Lane reporting live from the Metropolis Museum of History and Science. We have just received word that the museum has received a very special donation unlike anything we have seen before. The donor was the international vigilante and former President of the World, Axe Cop. As for the donation itself, it appears to be a solid gold arm that scientists believe came from a quote “perfect species". We now go to one of the scientists currently researching the arm: Doctor Notmewtwo, who is explaining it's origins.
The camera shifts to the front of the building, past the large crowd of reporters and focusing on a man standing on the podium. He is a very sexy man dressed in a lab coat who may or may not be wearing a false mustache for disguising purposes. To his left is the golden arm in question kept safe in a glass display, and still glittering and bleeding at the point it was severed. After adjusting his mustache, Doctor Notmewtwo waits for the reporters to calm down then speaks into the microphone.
Doctor Notmewtwo: Good afternoon everyone. My name is Doctor Notmewtwo, who is in no way related to nor is the brilliant writer Professor Mewtwo.
This causes several of the reporters to start muttering amongst themselves.
Loud Bystander: What the f*** are you talking about?
Doctor Notmewtwo: Anyways, after receiving the golden arm from Axe Cop we have made several shocking discoveries. First of all, the arm is indeed gold, that part was obvious. More importantly, the arm contains genetic material that indicates highly advanced levels of genetic engineering as well as energy readings of unfathomable proportions. We scientists have determined that this arm could be used to cure genetic diseases and stop potential energy crises essentially bringing us into a new utopia.
The reporters continued to mutter amongst themselves. Some of them muttered with excitement, others with confusion.
Doctor Notmewtwo: As for the arm’s origins, after speaking with Axe Cop and learning how he acquired the arm we managed to speculate its history. The arm originally belonged to a Bidoof who was conceived through a lot of other Bidoofs and Dittos getting busy at a DayCare center. The countless breeding caused this Bidoof to be 100% perfect complete with 32 IVs, Adamant nature, shiny coloration, and a speedo. This Bidoof, who we will name Peanut Butter, flew off into space to go on many adventures.
Unfortunately, during one adventure he got into a fight with a taco salesman who was also an all powerful god of rejection. The battle was so intense that the taco salesman had no choice, but to trap Peanut Butter in the Rejection Dimension where he reigned supreme. There he took control of Peanut Butter’s mind and forced him to disintegrate himself to death. However, the arm that was used to cause the disintegration escaped the blast and stayed in the Rejection Dimension for almost two years.
It wasn’t until a few months ago that Axe Cop had killed a drunken old man for commiting a lot of space crimes and confiscated his special gun that could travel the multiverse. Axe Cop used the gun to explore many different universes and kill bad guys along the way. About a week ago, he wandered into the Rejection Dimension and found Peanut Butter’s arm. Seeing no real use for it, Axe Cop gave it to us so we could use it for scientific purposes.
The muttering among the reporters stopped as they all stared in an awkward silence.
Doctor Notmewtwo: Of course, we need to keep the arm in a safe place where nobody could possibly steal it whatsoever. So naturally we will be keeping it in a city where crime is so bad that you need one of the strongest superheroes in existence to watch over it. Now are there any questions?
The awkward silence continued for an awkwardly long time until one reporter stepped forward and raised his microphone.
Reporter: I have a question. How high are you right now?
The reporters bombarded Doctor Notmewtwo with questions (mostly about his sanity), but little did they realize that the story they were covering had caught the eye of a sinister force. From a small apartment in Coney Island, two women were watching the broadcast. On the left was a woman with pure-white skin wearing a red and black outfit complete with a wicked smile on her face. Her name is Harleen Quinzel, but you might know her better as the psychotic ex-psychiatrist Harley Quinn. To the right was a red-haired woman covered head-to-toe in greenery giving a cynical frown in contrast to Harley’s smile. She was Harley’s dear friend Pamela Isley otherwise known as Poison Ivy. The two watched the interview for a while and once Harley started losing interest she got up to declare her intentions.
Harley: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Ivy: You want to steal the arm?
Harley: I want to steal the arm!
Ivy: Ok, but I have to ask: are you crazy? Well, you know, more crazy than usual right now?
Harley: What’s so crazy about it? I just break into a highly secured facility, take the shiny thing in there, and get out before the guards notice. It’s Criminology 101.
Ivy: Yeah, but aren’t you forgetting something? The arm is in Metropolis, where Superman lives. He'll crush you like a bug.
Harley: Oh, you’ll be surprised how easy it is to get Kryptonyte these days. I’m going to go order plane tickets and pack my stuff. Hopefully I can get there by tonight. You wanna tag along, Ives? They might have the branch of the perfect tree there.
Ivy: I can’t. I promised Frank I’d take him to a movie tonight. I honestly don’t see the point, but at least he’ll shut the f*ck up about being stuck in my apartment all day.
Harley: Alrighty then, but no romance movies! I don’t want to hear about you two kissing or something!
As Harley made way to her bedroom to get her things, Ivy smirked and rolled her eyes. Silly conversations like that one was the reason Ivy loved Harley so much. Her happy expression died down quickly and was replaced by a curious one before deciding to ask Harley something.
Ivy: Hey Harley, what exactly are you planning to do with the arm once you get it?
Harley: Not sure yet, I might keep it as a trophy next to Bernie, use it as a backscratcher, or if I don’t figure something out I’ll just sell it for-
(Guess who): A sh*t-ton of money!?
The scene transitioned to the inside of the Metropolis Museum where a man covered in a red and black outfit was seen talking to an old man in a more formal outfit. The old man was the curator of the museum, but that won’t matter since this will be the only scene he appears in. More importantly, if you don’t know who the sexy man in the superhero suit is you are clearly a dumbass who has no l- HEY THESE AREN’T MY NOTES! I mean (*ahem*) this man is the Merc with a Mouth known to the world as Deadpool. Now that introductions are out of the way, let’s continue on with this crucial plot point.
Curator: Yes, the payment you will receive for this can be considered “a sh*t-ton of money”. All we ask is that you help out with security while we have the golden arm on display.
Deadpool: No problemo, just one question. Why do you need me? Doesn't your city have an over-parodied Goku killer to help you out?
Curator: You’ll be surprised how easy it is to get Kryptonite these days.
Deadpool: Ah yes, Superman’s only weakness. Well that and The Quest for Peace.
Curator: Anyways, I don’t understand why Doctor Notmewtwo recommended hiring you, but I trust that you’ll keep watch of this place tonight. And don’t forget no golden arm in here means no payment for you.
Deadpool: Don’t have to tell me twice. Also, I am technically a mercenary whose main job is to kill people, so if someone actually did wander in here-
Curator: Then you have permission to kill them on spot.
Deadpool: Yes! Alright this exposition has gone on long enough, let’s get to the good part!
Act 1: Night at the Museum of Mayhem[]
Many hours passed before it was pitch-black in the city of Metropolis. The regular guards were walking around, patrolling the area with their flashlights. Everything looked fine to them, and they knew if they didn’t see something then the security cameras certainly would. Of course, that entirely depended on the guard in charge of monitoring the cameras and he was fast asleep, neglecting his duty. Right behind the camera-monitoring guard was a shadowy figure raising up a shadowy weapon with seemingly murderous intent. The Psycho shower music played in the background, anticipating the blow, but quickly cut out when the figure stopped to reveal herself.
Harley: This isn’t going to work. It’s no fun if he’s already unconscious. Hey you! Wake up!
Harley shook the sleeping guard who got up and panicked.
Guard: Wh-wh-wh-wha? What’s going on!?
Harley: Much better.
Harley then smacked the guard with her weapon, which was a rubber chicken, knocking him unconscious and ensuring that he wasn’t going to wake up from his nap anytime soon.
Harley: This is going to be too easy.
With a mischievous smirk on her face, Harley made her way through the museum. If the guard wasn’t out cold, he would have seen Harley appear on each of the individual cameras either stealthily traversing the area or knocking out more guards that stood in her way. Eventually, she appeared on a very special camera pointed towards a large door. Behind the door was the exhibit where the golden arm was being kept, and Harley couldn’t wait to see what was inside.
Harley: Now then, let’s see what’s behind door number 1.
Pushing the door open with both hands, Harley got a clear view of the exhibit and its many wonders. The room was filled with an assortment of artifacts on glass displays, each of them unique in their own way. There was a katana made of bright red metal, a white sailor uniform with menacing eyes in the center, and even a massive laser canon shaped like a skull. However, none of these treasures could compete with what lied in the center: the severed arm of Peanut Butter which glistened as if it was calling for someone to steal it. Harley didn’t waste a single moment as she took out a baseball bat and smashed the glass display to pieces.
Harley: And to think I didn’t even need to buy all that Kryptonite from the hobo in the alleyway. Oh well, let’s go Handy.
Harley grabbed the golden arm and proceeded to leave the museum. It seemed like it would be a clean getaway until she came across something rather peculiar. She stopped in her tracks and turned around to see another display with the label “Howling Wolf Jacket” on it. However, instead of a jacket on the display, there was nothing but the glass box with a huge hole inside it.
Harley: Hmm? Did Catwoman beat me to the punch?
Before she could ponder more about the situation, Harley heard footsteps coming towards her. This was not good. Harley thought she had taken out all the guards, but the sound told her there was one more person to take care of. Holding the golden arm tightly under her left arm, she used her free hand to pull out her Pop-Gun and headed towards the noise. Elsewhere, the source of the noise was doing a quick parameter check of the exhibit all while wearing the stolen jacket.
Deadpool: D*mn I look good in this. Forget the X-Men, I should have tried joining the Power Rangers.
Deadpool continued down the exhibit, talking to himself, but stopped when he heard footsteps approach him. Knowing this could only mean trouble, his mercenary instincts kicked in as he immediately pulled out a handgun and pointed it in the direction of the footsteps. At that moment, the Merc with a Mouth and the Maiden of Mischief met. Their quickdraws had matched each other and their guns were now pointed at each other’s heads. Both of them also got a clear look at their opponent’s faces leaving them rather confused. Deadpool wasn’t sure why there was a clown in the museum, and Harley was assuming the man before her was someone else.
Harley: Red Tool!?
Deadpool: It’s pronounced Deadpool, clown lady.
Harley: Deadpool? That sounds a lot like Deathstroke.
Deadpool: Don’t compare me to that teen stalker!
Harley: Ok, ok! Yeesh, sensitive subject there. Sorry for offending you Mr. Pool, I’ll just be on my way.
Harley attempts to walk away, hoping to get some distance from her attacker. Unfortunately, Deadpool already caught her carrying the golden arm, a.k.a his paycheck, so he started pointing his gun closer to Harley’s head.
Deadpool: Not so fast! That arm doesn't belong to you, so how about you put it back and I’ll let you choose which of your limbs I break first.
Harley: No way! I stole this fair and square, so f*ck off before I blow your brains out!
Deadpool: Oh you wanna f*cking go!?
Harley: Yeah I wanna f*cking go, why do you think I have a gun pointed at your head!?
Deadpool: THAT’S A GOOD POINT! LET’S STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER AND F*CKING GO!
Harley: YEAH, LET’S F*CKING- hold on, your shoe’s untied.
Deadpool: It is?
Deadpool looks down only to realize his shoes don’t have laces. Before he could look back up, Harley blasted him with her Pop-Gun, enveloping him in an explosion and sending the mercenary flying backwards. Harley twirled her gun, blew out the smoke, then walked away.
Harley: Hahahahaha. Dumba$$.
Her victory was short lived as she heard her opponent get up from the blast. He appeared mostly unharmed, but the jacket he was wearing had been burned off, and if it was possible to tell his expression behind his mask, you would know he was pi$$ed about it. Harley could certainly tell as she readied her Pop-Gun again.
Harley: Should have known we were doing this the hard way.
Deadpool: I’ll show you just how hard I can get! Start us off announcer!
FIGHT!!!
Deadpool pulls out two handguns and starts firing at Harley, but the clown uses her natural agility to dodge the bullets. She then pulls out her Pop-Gun and aims it at Deadpool.
Deadpool: Eep!
Deadpool ducks just in time to dodge another explosive blast then runs to the side as Harley continues to fire her blasts. He then ducked for cover behind one of the displays which was immediately blown-up by one of the Pop-Gun blasts. The Merc with a Mouth felt cornered until he saw something lying on the ground. It was a giant shuriken that was once in the glass display. This gave Deadpool an idea, prompting him to act quickly and grab the shuriken before throwing it at his opponent.
Deadpool: Catch, blondie!
Harley jumped out of the way, causing the shuriken to miss and lodge itself in a nearby wall. Seeing his opponent in midair, Deadpool aimed his gun at her right hand and fired a bullet. The shot was a direct hit, but instead of harming Harley, it knocked the Pop-Gun right out of her hand.
Harley: Aww, that was my favorite gun.
Deadpool: I wouldn’t worry yet, you’ll be losing a lot more than your gun tonight.
The Merc with a Mouth lunged at Harley and kicked her in the stomach, knocking her back a few feet. He then went in for a few more blows leaving the clown girl on the defensive as she desperately tried to ward off the attacks with only one arm as the other one still held onto the golden arm. Her efforts were in vain, as Deadpool let out a powerful kick that knocked the arm out of her grasp and straight into the air.
Harley: My arm!
Harley attempted to reach out and grab it, but Deadpool punched her in the face, dazing her long enough for the golden arm to fall into Deadpool’s hands.
Deadpool: It seems like the tables have turned.
Harley: You are really making things difficult! Welp, as Roosevelt once said “roll softly and carry a big-a$$ stick”!
True to the loosely quoted words of the ex-President, Harley gave a calm smile and pulled out a big wooden stick. Of course, this stick was attached to a massive cylinder that made it look like a large mallet, and that’s because it was a large mallet.
Deadpool: Oh that’s right, you’re the original crazy hammer chick.
This realization cost Deadpool dearly as it gave Harley the opening she needed to deliver a powerful swing right at him. The blow sent Deadpool far away, and the arm was sent even further going all the way into another exhibit. The Merc with a Mouth ended up landing right on the display with the red sword which impaled him right in the abdomen.
Harley: Ha! You’re really living up to your name now “Death”-pool!
Deadpool: Oh please, I’ve had worse done there after eating Chipotle for dinner.
However, Harley’s assumption that her opponent had kicked the bucket was wrong as she saw Deadpool get up and pull the sword right out of his gut. Blood splattered everywhere, but the wound still closed itself instantly.
Deadpool: And for the record, it's "Deadpool", not "Deathpool"
Harley: Ok, now that’s just cheating.
With a new sword in hand, Deadpool charged at Harley in an attempt to decapitate her. In response, Harley used her hammer to block the swing. She then notices the two other katanas on Deadpool’s back and gets curious about them.
Harley: Hey. Why are you using that old relic when you have two perfectly good cutting sticks right there?
Deadpool: This sword works better on blondes.
Harley: Well in that case, mind if I borrow them.
Harley pushes Deadpool back and stores away her hammer. She then performs a front flip right over Deadpool and grabs the handles of his swords in the process. In a single move, she yanks the twin katanas right out of Deadpool’s position and gets into a fighting stance. She lunges in for a double swing just in time for Deadpool to turn around and stop it with the red katana.
Deadpool: Bea! Arthur! You betrayed me!
The two traded blows, with Harley having the upper hand due to the additional sword and Deadpool’s reluctance to harm his babies. It was only a matter of time before Harley overpowered Deadpool and landed some nasty cuts on his body. The pain made Deadpool jump onto a display to get to safety and he pulled out a handgun to try and keep Harley away. However, the Maiden of Mischief swung and used her stolen swords to deflect the bullets as she ran to the side.
Though it appeared as if she was trying to get out of the gun’s range, she was actually heading towards a discarded weapon. Harley then put away the swords and rolled forward to pick up the weapon, revealing itself to be the Pop-Gun, and put a special canister in it before firing. The canister was launched into the air and Deadpool tried to shoot it down, but when his bullets hit the canister sprung open and unleashed a bunch of confetti that wrapped around his body, thus trapping him.
Deadpool: Ah! I've been turned into a birthday present!
Harley tried to fire another explosive round, but Deadpool jumped behind the displays to shield himself from the blast. When the explosion cleared, there was no sign of the Merc with a Mouth. Even so, Harley knew it wouldn’t be over that easily so she headed towards the wreckage with her Pop-Gun in hand. What she didn’t realize was that her opponent was right behind her preparing for an absolutely diabolical attack. Without hesitation, Deadpool reached down into Harley’s pants and grabbed hold of her underwear then yanked them as high as they could go.
Harley: Ahh! Wedgie attack!
The sudden super wedgie trapped Harley in shock, allowing Deadpool to retrieve the swords that Harley had swiped earlier.
Deadpool: I’ll take these.
Harley felt the swords removed and tried to turn around to blast her opponent. Unfortunately, Deadpool had anticipated this and sliced up the Pop-Gun’s barrel before Harley could complete the quick draw.
Deadpool: And no more of that nuisance! Let it die with the rest of New Earth!
Harley: Oh, you’re gonna pay for that.
Harley busts out her hammer again and swings at Deadpool like he was part of a Whack-A-Mole game, but each time he deflects the blow with one of his swords. He then jumps back and pulls up his mask a bit to reveal his mouth. Taking out the red katana from earlier, Deadpool puts it in his mouth and makes another stupid joke.
Deadpool: Hey look at me! I’m Roranoa Zoro!
Harley: I’m sorry, what?
Deadpool: Yeah, I know. I’m more of a Naruto fan, but the writer insisted I make a One Piece reference.
Deadpool charges as Harley with his trio of swords, but Harley matches the blow with a single swing of her hammer. The two continued clashing their weapons against each other, but this time Deadpool had the upper hand as his two sword swings (and whatever he was doing with his mouth) were overwhelming Harley with their incredible speed. However, Harley turns things around by delivering an upwards swing that parrays the katanas in Deadpool’s hands leaving him open. She then jabbed Deadpool in the stomach with the end of the hammer before unleashing some powerful swings with it’s head. Harley attempted to end it with one last swing, but Deadpool used the sword in his mouth to block the attack. With the assault finally stopped, Deadpool slashed Harley with his swords leaving a few scratches on the Maiden of Mischief’s body. After that, Deadpool kicked Harley down and landed on top of her. He placed his swords in an x-position with the tips right at Harley’s neck, indicating that Deadpool was about to decapitate her.
Deadpool: Any last words before your head becomes the newest addition to this museum?
Harley didn’t say anything, instead she spat right in Deadpool’s face landing a wad of gum right between his eyes.
Deadpool: Oh real mature!
Harley: Sorry about that. My Grenade Gum lost its flavor, and I can’t get to a trash can right now.
Deadpool: Well it’s still gross, you should really learn some ma- wait, did you say “grenade” gum?
Right after that question, the gum exploded knocking Deadpool off of Harley and sending the red katana right out of his mouth. The katana flew right into another display, breaking through the glass and impaling a skull-shaped canon causing its eyes to suddenly glow. Deadpool got up and pulled his mask down, looking rather livid about the last attack.
Harley: Aw, did I strike a nerve?
Deadpool: Yeah you did, and now I’m angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Harley: Isn’t that the Incredible Hulk.
Deadpool: Shut up! Now prepare to die, Margot Robbie!
Harley: Oh, I ain't the one who’s dying! I am going to… wait do you hear something?
Deadpool and Harley heard a mysterious noise and turned around to see that the skull canon was active. It had opened up its mouth, forming some unknown energy inside it, and unfortunately it was aimed right at the two anti-heroes.
Deadpool: Still think you’re not dying?
Harley: Nah, I think we’re both about to die.
The cannon fired a massive white laser that blew Deadpool and Harley right through a brick wall. They ended up outside the exhibit and into another that had a bunch of objects there were more common for a museum.
Both of them got up and looked at each other before jumping backwards and pulling out some firearms. Deadpool dual wielded two mighty machine guns while Harley had busted out a powerful shotgun.
Deadpool & Harley: Time for a good old fashioned shootout!
Harley: Jinx! You can’t talk anymore!
Deadpool: Trust me, nobody wants to see that again.
Now that jokes were out of the way the two began violently shooting at each other. Deadpool got the first shot, but Harley’s natural agility helped her dodge the bullets. She then got in close and smacked Deadpool with her shotgun. Harley pointed the shotgun at Deadpool’s head for a killing blow only for the mercenary to counter by pulling up a gun and firing at point blank range. Harley barely managed to dodge the attack, but it left her open to Deadpool who hit her a few times with his guns and kicked her aside. He tried to fire his guns at Harley again, but the blonde hid behind a stone statue that blocked the bullets.
Deadpool kept firing, but the statue would not budge. Meanwhile, Harley was switching out her shotgun for a sniper rifle with a plan in mind. She eyed a model plane being held by wires and hovering above her opponent. Acting quickly, she emerged from behind the statue and shot at the wires, breaking them all with only two bullets.
Harley: Here comes the airplane!
Said airplane came hurtling down, but Deadpool discarded his machine guns and pulled out a grenade launcher. He fired upwards, destroying the plane with a single blast then proceeded to do the same with the statue Harley was hiding behind. Once the statue was destroyed, Harley revealed herself now holding a grenade launcher just like Deadpool’s.
Deadpool: You have your own grenade launcher too?
Harley: Never leave home without it.
Deadpool: I guess great minds think alike. Now let’s see how you handle it!
Deadpool and Harley fired their grenade launchers, unleashing destructive blasts that tore apart the museum. They did manage to dodge each and every blast, but Deadpool found himself in trouble when his launcher ran out of ammo. He got distracted by his gun’s clicking noise, but regained focus in time to dodge a blast that went off right beneath his feet. Deadpool realized Harley was still firing and threw his own grenade launcher to intercept another blast, destroying it in the process. Harley attempted to continue her onslaught only to realize she had run out of ammo as well.
Deadpool: Someone’s not counting.
Harley: So I’m out of ammo…
Harley throws away her grenade launcher and brings out a minigun then starts spinning the barrel.
Harley: But I’m not out of guns!
Deadpool: How in the fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-
Before Deadpool could finish his sentence, Harley riddled him with bullets. He fell to the ground with holes in his stomach and blood spilling everywhere.
Harley: Now that had to have been worse than you’re Chipotle dinner.
Deadpool: No, but it’s pretty close.
Harley, who thought that last attack had done the mercancy in, was shocked at the sudden remark. It barely gave her time to react as she held up the minigun to block an incoming bullet that came from Deadpool’s supposed corpse. She saw the “corpse” holding a handgun as it got up with it’s bullet wounds quickly closing, proving that Deadpool was very much alive.
Harley: Why won’t you die!?
Deadpool: You’ll be surprised how many people asked me that question.
Using his free hand to pull out a sword, Deadpool made his way towards Harley. He kept shooting at Harley so she would keep using her minigun as a shield, but Harley had a plan and started spinning the minigun’s barrel again. Right when Deadpool got close enough for a sword swing, Harley swung her minigun causing Deadpool to quickly back away and leave himself right in front of the barrel. However, Deadpool had anticipated a trap like this and acted accordingly. He swung his sword, causing a flashbang grenade to come flying towards Harley. What the ex-psychiatrist didn’t realize was that Deadpool had also grabbed that grenade and pulled the pin around the same time he drew the sword. If Harley had noticed, then she would have been safe from what happened next.
Harley: Oh shi-
The flashbang grenade went off, blinding Harley and making her focus. This caused her to swing the minigun to the side, destroying several exhibits as it fired. Deadpool seized the opportunity and landed multiple punches and kicks before using his sword for a decapitation. Harley managed to get away just in time to avoid the fatal blow, but the slash still took off the tips of her pigtails.
Deadpool: It’s a shame. If I was any closer, I could have taken care of that terrible dye job.
Harely did not respond. Instead, she pulled out her hammer and hit Deadpool right in the face. Whether it was because she lost a small part of her hair or because of Deadpool’s petty insult, Harley was pi$$ed off and ready to unleash her inner demons. She kept swinging at Deadpool with all her might, knocking him back with each and every hit.
Harley: YOU! DO NOT! MESS! WITH A GIRL’S HAIR!!!
The last swing sent Deadpool flying into a model pirate ship creating a huge hole in it. Deadpool emerged from it wearing a pirate hat and holding a canon by his side.
Deadpool: Yargh! This wench be drivin’ me mad! It’s time fer her t’ walk the plank!*
*Argh! This woman is driving me mad! It’s time for her to die!
Deadpool took out a match and lit it, then used it to light the cannon’s fuse while aiming it at Harley.
Harley: Nice try, but nobody in their right mind would keep a loaded cannon in a museum.
Contrary to Harley’s assumption, the canon was indeed loaded and out came a solid iron cannonball. Fortunately, it missed Harley by a slight margin, but it did manage to startle her.
Harley: What the f*ck!? Who the hell is running this museum!?
Deadpool: Blast ye, I missed, but this pirate scene ain’t goin’ t’ waste!*
*D*mmit, I missed, but this pirate scene isn’t over yet!
Deadpool brought out some more cannons from inside the pirate ship and lit their fuses. They went off one at a time, but Harley dodged each of the cannonballs before pulling out a grenade and throwing it towards her opponent. The Merc with the Mouth panicked and jumped away from the ship before the grenade decimated the interior of the ship.
Deadpool: Abandon ship!*
*I’m a sissy coward who almost sh*t myself!
Deadpool: I can read the pirate translations you know!
While Deadpool got angry at the fourth wall, Harley tried to bash his head in with her hammer. Deadpool pulled out his katana to block the attack in time then pulled out the other katana to counter attack. Harley dodged the second swing and continued her attacks. The two kept swinging their weapons, but each strike was met with a block. Harley went for one more big swing, but Deadpool used both swords to block it then pushed her weapon away. He then landed a flurry of slashes that sent Harley flying.
When the Maiden of Mischief landed on the floor she saw Deadpool menacingly walking towards her so she pulled out a handgun in self-defense. She realized firing would be pointless based on her opponent's healing ability, but knew she still needed to fire at something. Harley then saw a T-Rex skeleton right behind Deadpool and got an idea. The clown girl started firing her bullets which went right through Deadpool, but that didn’t stop her from continuing her onslaught.
Deadpool: Have you not been paying attention? I can’t die from your bullets. My healing factor will just fix the damage.
Harley ignored Deadpool as she reloaded her gun and fired more bullets. This annoyed Deadpool as he did not like this one-sided conversation.
Deadpool: Don’t give me the silent treatment! I can’t keep up this witty dialogue on my own!
Once more, Harley reloaded and fired her gun, smiling all the while.
Deadpool: This isn’t another trap, right? I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen for this too many times today.
Harley: I don’t know, how about you ask Rexy over there.
Deadpool: Rexy?
Deadpool turned around to see the dinosaur skeleton behind him. He then felt another bullet go right through him and saw it hit the dinosaur’s left leg. Apparently, Harley had been aiming for that leg the whole time and with the last bullet it finally snapped in half. This caused the skeleton to fall over and land right on Deadpool. The mercenary was now pinned to the floor, unable to move due to the dinosaur skull crushing him.
Deadpool: Somebody help! He’s touching my no-no place!
Harley: Looks like you two are getting along.
Harley walked up to Deadpool gripping her hammer tightly.
Harley: I’m starting to get bored with all this so I’m going to bash your head into a pulp and call it a day. Any last words?
Deadpool: Just two: Teleportation Belt, b*tch!
And just like that, Deadpool teleported away from the dinosaur and appeared right behind his opponent. Harley turned around, surprised that her trap had failed so easily. However, she was more concerned about something else.
Harley: Hey, wait a minute! That’s three words!
This distracted Harley from the main threat in front of her, who delivered an uppercut right to her jaw and sent her airbound.
Deadpool: Shoryuken!
Harley fell to the ground, but before she landed Deadpool landed a powerful punch to her stomach sending her backwards. The Maiden of Mischief landed on her feet and saw her opponent running towards her. She swung her hammer, but Deadpool teleported away and struck her from behind. He then threw a combo of punches and kicks while using teleportation to strike from different angles.
Eventually, Harley adapted to Deadpool’s attack and caught one of his punches. She then threw Deadpool to the ground and stomped on his head while preparing her hammer.
Harley: Fore!
Harley swung her hammer like a golf club and sent Deadpool flying. She then saw a wax figure of a baseball player next to her and got an idea. Putting away her hammer, Harley got out her own bat and stole the bat the wax figure was holding. Now dual wielding some powerful bats, Harley made a menacing ninja pose to intimidate her opponent. Deadpool got up and saw this as a challenge so he readied his own twin weapons Bea and Arthur.
Deadpool: You really think you can beat my metal swords with some wooden bats?
Harley: We’re about to find out!
Deadpool and Harley Quinn ran towards each other to continue their fight. Their weapons collided and surprisingly Harley’s bats held up perfectly contrary to what Deadpool believed. They continued their attacks, rushing at each other with swings so fast that they were almost invisible to the naked eye.
Harley: ORAORAORAORAORA!
Deadpool: MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!
It seemed to be an even match with neither side backing down. That is until Deadpool noticed something and suddenly jumped back.
Deadpool: Whoopsie, seems I was holding my katanas backwards. No wonder they weren’t cutting anything.
Deadpool flipped his swords around and let out multiple slashes. Harley blocked them with her bats, but as soon as Deadpool finished the bats fell apart into several pieces leaving the Maiden of Mischief defenseless.
Deadpool: Told ya! Metal sticks beat wooden sticks anyday!
Harley: Ya know, this worked out a lot better in my head, but I shoulda known better.
Harley narrowly got out the way as Deadpool tried to slash her again. Without a weapon she had no chance of fighting back meaning her only option was to keep dodging sword swings until a miracle occurred. Unfortunately, that miracle did not occur as Harley tripped over something and fell to the ground. She got a glimpse of what had tripped her and was surprised to see that it was the golden arm that she came to steal.
Deadpool pounced at Harley in an attempt to impale her, but she rolled out of her way and headed toward the arm. She grabbed the golden arm and got up quickly. As she saw Deadpool do the same and decided to strike him with her weapon in hand. She swung the severed arm which slapped Deadpool right in the face. The sound echoed throughout the room and awkward silence soon followed.
Deadpool: ...Did you slap me in the face with someone else’s arm?
Harley: ...Yeah.
Deadpool: ...Why?
Harley: Well what else am I supposed to do? Sure it's gold and magic lookin, but I can’t just rub it like the magic lamp and expect something to come out.
Harley proceeded to rub the golden arm to prove her point, but she didn’t realize that rubbing the arm turned it on (No, not like that. That’s just gross.). The arm opened it’s hand and let out a massive golden beam that blew a hole in the museum wall and hit a nearby building. This caused an explosion big enough to reach outer space. Once everything settled down the victim building was nothing but a smoldering crater while Deadpool and Harley looked at it in shock. Harley shook her head and pointed the golden arm at Deadpool as she slowly made her way to the hole in the wall.
Harley: Stand back! I’m armed and dangerous! One wrong move and that building won’t be the only thing going kaboom!
Deadpool, still struggling to process recent events, held his hands up high to avoid being blasted. This allowed Harley to get to the hole and get out with the loot.
Harley: That’s better. Thank you for the arm.
As Harley made her escape, Deadpool came to his senses and remembered what the curator said earlier that day.
Deadpool: Sh*t, that arm is my paycheck! I need to get that back even if it kills me, which it probably will.
Deadpool jumped through the hole to pursue Harley and bring the fight into its second act.
Act 2: Paint The Town Red, and Black, but Mostly Red[]
Now on the streets of Metropolis, Harely made a break for it with the golden arm in tow. She was hoping to find a place to hide out for the night then sneak her loot back home when it was safe.
Harley: Just think, with this laser-shootin arm, I’ll climb the stairway of villainy all the way to Queen of Crime. Mistah J will lose his mind! ...Relatively speaking anyways.
Harley’s monologue was interrupted by the sound of sudden footsteps approaching her fast. She turned around to see that it was Deadpool, who had not given up the chase and was coming in fast with twin katanas.
Deadpool: Wee-woo! Wee-woo! This is the police, put your hands up and prepare for imminent death!
Harley: Well, if you insist.
Harley turned around and held up the golden arm, making sure it’s hand was pointed at Deadpool. She gave it the same rub she did earlier and out came a giant golden beam that threatened to disintegrate the mercenary.
Deadpool: Mother…
Deadpool jumped into the air, narrowly dodged the laser as it obliterated a nearby car. However, the onslaught was far from over as Harley pumped the arm like a shotgun and kept firing. The constant energy blasts proved to be quite the hassle as Deadpool couldn’t find an opening to counterattack.
Deadpool: Where’s Superman when you need him!?
Meanwhile at the Fortress of Solitude:
Superman was seen standing in front of a mirror holding a razor. He had not shaved in a while leaving with a face full of facial hair. Suddenly, his razor broke from the toughness of his Kryptonian hair. Superman sighed and threw the razor away. It landed in a mountain of other broken razors that implied he had been and was going to be at this for quite some time.
Superman: Why is it so hard to remove a freaking mustache.
And now, back to the fight
Harley was still blasting like crazy at Deadpool, but couldn’t manage to get a hit in. Of course, it was only a matter of time before she cornered Deadpool and with one more blast she seemingly landed a direct hit. The resulting explosion cleared, revealing nothing but a crater that justified her assumption.
Harley: Bullseye!
Deadpool: Not quite.
Harley turned around to see that Deadpool was right behind her. It turns out he used the teleportation belt at the last second to escape the attacks and get in close. The Maiden of Mischief tried to get a point-blank blast in, but Deadpool stabbed the golden arm with his katana. He then swung the katana causing the attached arm to fly out of Harley’s hands. During the brief period it was in the air, Deadpool put away his katanas, punched Harley away, and held out his arms as Peanut Butter’s arm fell into his hands.
Harley: No hard feelings, right?
Deadpool: There won’t be any in a few seconds. BOOM!
Deadpool thrust the arm forward hoping to fire an energy blast, but nothing came out.
Deadpool: Umm… BANG! KAPOW! KAMEHAMEHA!
Deadpool kept thrusting the arm yelling random noises, but nothing happened. Harley also thought the arm would kill her on the first thrust, but now she was looking awkwardly at her opponent unsure on how to react.
Harley: You having some technical issues there?
Deadpool: No, I got it. (*mutters this next part*) D*mnitt how does this thing work?
Getting ever so frustrated with the arm, Deadpool pointed it downward and started smacking it hoping to get something out of it. This repeated gesture helped charge up energy in the golden arm, but by the time it finally fired Deadpool was completely unprepared. As a result, Deadpool lost his grip and the golden arm propelled itself into the air using a prolonged energy beam. It managed to make it all the way into the stratosphere where the two anti-heros could no longer see it.
Deadpool: That didn’t go as planned. Any chance we’ll see that arm again?
Harley: Of course we will. It’s the main plot device, but for now let’s keep beating the sh*t out of each other!
Harley prepared her hammer again, and Deadpool brought out his katanas in response.
Deadpool: Ah, a woman of culture I see.
The two continued their brawl with Harley jumping in the air to land a powerful hammer swing only for Deadpool to block it with his katanas. Deadpool thought he had stopped the main attack until the head on Harley’s hammer opened up to reveal a hidden compartment.
Deadpool: Uh-oh.
From the compartment, a boxing glove sprung forth and bopped Deadpool right on the head knocking him back and stunning him. Harley continued her attacks by smacking Deadpool a few times with her hammer. The mercenary tried to fight back with a double sword attack, but Harley simply jumped over him and switched out her hammer for a yo-yo.
She landed several feet behind her opponent and threw the yo-yo which wrapped itself around Deadpool’s neck. The yo-yo then let out an electric shock that brought Deapool to his knees allowing Harley to reel him into close-range. She then grabbed the head of the yo-yo and pulled tightly in an attempt to strangle Deadpool, who could only mutter one thing in his situation.
Deadpool: Harder… Daddy…
Harley: Now that’s just disturbing.
This caused Harley to loosen her grip. Deadpool was still ensnared by the yo-yo, but he did manage to get his next quip out more clearly.
Deadpool: Oh, you want to see disturbing? Watch this!
Deadpool pulled out a gun and held it at his mouth. He made sure the barrel was aimed in the direction of Harley’s head before firing. The bullet went right through Deadpool and would have hit Harley if she did not let go of her weapon and jump out of the way in time. However, Harley was disturbed by the suicide-like attack and desperately tried to avoid throwing up. This gave Deadpool the time he needed to recover as this blow had briefly wounded a vital area. Once the healing factor kicked in, Deadpool got up and looked at his opponent.
Deadpool: Ouch. I’m going to feel that in the morning. So what did you think of that?
Harley didn’t respond as she was turned the other way looking like she was about to vomit. Deadpool approached her with caution, while holding a gun to end her life.
Deadpool: Are you ok? Do you need a minute to let it all out?
Harley turned around, and she did indeed let it all out, but instead of vomit from her mouth it was a blast of fire from her flamethrower. The flames enveloped Deadpool causing him to run around and panic.
Deadpool: Sh*t sh*t sh*t! Where’s some f*cking water when you need it!?
Desperate to find some water to put out the flames, Deadpool ran into the nearest building, which just so happened to be a local drinking bar, hoping to find something of use. Harley saw her opponent escape and went after him.
Harley: Leaving me to get drinks? You men are all the same.
Inside the bar, a bunch of muscular men were guzzling away at their beer. Deadpool, still on fire, busted in and jumped behind the counter. Fortunately, this abnormality did not disturb the patrons as they were either too drunk to notice or simply didn’t care. The only person who was paying attention was the bartender who saw Deadpool grab a couple of bottles and use the liquid inside to douse the flames returning him to normal.
Deadpool: Ahh, much better.
Wait, that was alcohol wasn’t it. Never mind, the flames reignite with greater intensity thus continuing Deadpool’s suffering.
Deadpool: OH COME ON!
The bartender realized Deadpool’s predicament and decided to help him by pointing him in the right direction.
Bartender: Fire extinguisher is over there if you need it.
Deadpool: Thank you.
As Deadpool ran towards the back of the bar, Harley kicked the front door down as she made her entrance. She did not see her opponent with all the barflies in the way so she got an idea to lure Deadpool out.
Harley: Attention everyone, I’m looking for a man called Deadbeat. Does anyone know where I can find him?
Most of the guys in the bar: Right here.
A bunch of guys raised their hands making it even more difficult to pinpoint Deapool’s location, that is until one guy spoke up.
Deadpool: It’s pronounced Deadpool! Get it right!
With that remark, everyone turned their attention to the back of the bar to see Deadpool spraying himself with a fire extinguisher and putting out the flames. He then saw Harley starting right at him and realized he screwed up.
Deadpool: Whoops.
Harley: Found ya!
Harley ran towards Deadpool, but right as she got close Deadpool blasted her with foam from the fire extinguisher. It hit Harley right in the eyes causing her to miss a swing and allowing Deadpool to hit her with the fire extinguisher sending her flying into a table. Unfortunately, this action caused the barflies to react and send the place into chaos.
Some guy: BARFIGHT!!!
Everyone in the bar started beating the crap out of each other. Despite the ruckus, both Deadpool and Harley managed to keep focus on each other. They charged at each other, knocking aside some barflies along the way, and punched each other in the face.
Harley tried kicking Deadpool, but he blocked the first couple hits before grabbing her leg and throwing her. The Maiden of Mischief landed on her feet then lunged at Deadpool, punching him right in the face. Deadpool was knocked back a bit, but hardly fazed so he threw a few of his own punches. Harley managed to block them, but then Deadpool kicked her in the stomach knocking the wind out of her and giving Deadpool the opening to land several more hits on her.
The fight was interrupted as a drunken patron tried to punch Deadpool, but the mercenary managed to dodge it. He quickly knocked out the attacker and saw that there were plenty of other people throwing punches blindly which gave him an idea. Deadpool walked into the crowd of fighters while taunting his opponent.
Deadpool: Come and get me you dirty c-
Harley: Don’t you dare say it!
Deadpool: I was going to say clown.
Harley made her way towards Deadpool only for the mercenary to jump out of the way revealing a large man midway into throwing a punch. The punch hit Harley directly and sent her tumbling backwards. She bumped into another large guy who became irritated and punched Harley as well. Deadpool teleported right in front of Harley and kicked her right between two more fighters who were trying to punch each other, and ended up hitting Harley instead.
Deadpool: Great work boys! It’s too bad you all have one more speaking line.
Harley made her recovery and realized what Deadpool was doing before deciding to use the idea.
Harley: So that’s how it’s going to be. Hey everyone!
Everyone in the bar suddenly turned around and stared at Harley.
Harley: Spider-Man over there said you had a small penis!
Everyone in the bar: HE F*CKING WHAT!?
Now that their masculinity was put into question all the barflies and the bartender surrounded Deadpool preparing to kill him dead.
Deadpool: Guys, don’t you think it’s a little dickish to gang up on a person? SH*T I DIDN’T MEAN TO SAY THAT-
The people of the bar dogpiled on Deadpool and punched him senselessly. With so many people attacking him at once, there was little Deadpool could do to escape and Harley was certain that they would finish him off so she happily walked out of the bar. When she got outside she saw an elderly man by the door staring right at her.
Stan Lee: Hey gorgeous. Come here often?
Harley: Don’t bother, you’re way too old for anybod- Wait, aren’t you Stan Lee? I thought you died!
Stan Lee: B*tch please! Stan Lee will never die!
Stan Lee pulls out a gun and tries to shoot Harley. She dodges the bullet, but is caught off guard by Stan Lee suplexing her then delivering a dropkick. Harley is left lying on the ground disoriented. She looks up at the approaching Stan Lee and sees his form dissipate revealing that the old man was just a hologram surrounding the and only Deadpool.
Deadpool: How do you think Disney keeps making these Stan Lee cameos?
Harley: But I left you with an army of middle-aged losers. How did you escape?
Deadpool: Easy, just one flash of the teleportation belt fixes any problem.
Deadool points to his belt while boasting its reliability, and Harley realizes what she needs to do.
Harley: Well in that case…
Harley raises her leg and kicks Deadpool right in the balls.
Deadpool (in a high pitched voice): my baby Deadpools!
With her opponent stunned by the underhanded attack, Harley got up and ripped the teleportation belt off of Deadpool. She then threw it to the ground and stomped on it until it was completely broken.
Harley: That was for my Pop-Gun!
Deadpool: You are going to pay for that!
Deadpool pulls out his swords and swings at Harley. The Maiden of Mischief dodges with a backflip and kicks Deadpool in the face. She then brings out her hammer then attempts to smash Deadpool, but the Merc with a Mouth jumps backwards to dodge it. The two then lunge towards each other and strike with their weapons. It’s an even match with both sides seemingly unable to overpower the other. Harley eventually finds the opening she needs and delivers another kick to Deadpool’s balls.
Deadpool (in a high pitched voice): not again!
Deadpool tried to back away so Harley couldn’t take advantage of his pain-ridden state, but to no avail. Harley used an upwards swing to knock one of the katanas out of Deadpool’s hands then proceeded to deliver a sideways swing to Deadpool’s face. However, Deadpool leaned backwards and dodged the hammer Matrix-style then counterattacked by pulling out a shotgun.
Deadpool: Secret weapon attack activate!
Deadpool fired the shotgun and Harley closed her eyes thinking her brains were about to be blown out. While she did feel something hit her neck, it felt too soft to be a bullet, but whatever it was suddenly pinched really hard on her skin.
Harley: Youch! What was that?
Harley grabbed the thing on her neck and saw that it was a tiny hamster with foam coming out of its mouth. With the hamster in hand, Harley figured out that Deadpool’s secret weapon was an idiotically constructed Rabid Hamster Gun.
Deadpool: Aha! Now you’ll die of rabies! Deadpool wins! Fatality!
Harley: You really think weaponized hamsters can kill me? And people call me crazy.
Harley held up the hamster and squeezed it tightly. The pressure crushed it’s tiny body and made blood explode from its head instantly killing it.
Deadpool: Mr. Gibles! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
If you need a minute to mourn for dead hamsters go right ahead. I won’t judge.
Deadpool was infuriated by the loss of his dear hamster. He saw his missing katana on the ground and kicked it back into his hand before assaulting Harley again. His fury of sword swings made it difficult for Harley as she struggled to block all of them with her hammer. She then swung her hammer with extreme force, and while Deadpool managed to block the attack it still pushed him several feet back.
Deadpool wasn’t finished yet as he pulled out a grenade and threw it. Harley prepared for the attack by holding her hammer like a baseball bat.
Harley: Batter up!
Harley swung her hammer and hit the grenade directly. This strike deflected the grenade and sent it right into Deadpool’s chest sending him flying. The grenade then exploded sending Deadpool flying even further. Deadpool tumbled for a bit before getting back only to see Harley get in close to launch him with another swing. The Merc with a Mouth crashed right into a wall and Harley took the opportunity to corner him and repeatedly hit Deadpool left and right with her hammer.
Deadpool was starting to get a concussion from all the attacks, but he escaped by throwing a headbutt right at Harley’s face forcing her to break concentration as she stumbled backwards. The mercenary made his comeback with a series of slashes that left cuts all over Harley’s body. Harley jumped back to get away, but Deadpool charged at her gripping his swords tightly as they began to glow. He jumped into the air and went for a two-handed sword swing which Harley tried to repel with a full power hammer swing. The attacks collided, but the katanas proved to be stronger as they sliced the hammer into pieces and sent Harley flying.
Harley: How many more of my babies are you going to break?
Deadpool: Depends, how many more babies you got?
Harley: Just these two!
Harley pulls out a set of handguns and fires upon Deadpool, who deflects them all with his katanas as he gets in close. Deadpool attempts to go for another decapitation swing, but Harley dodges and points a gun right at his arm. While Harley knew her opponent could heal from the bullet wounds, she figured that a strong enough blow would be tougher to fix. With one pull of the trigger, Harley blasted a huge hole in Deadpool’s arm and the shock caused him to drop a katana.
Deadpool: No! That was my favorite arm!
Deadpool stared into the hole leaving him vulnerable as Harley went for the other arm to repeat the process and make Deadpool drop the other katana.
Deadpool: My second favorite arm!
Harley then started overpowering her disarm opponent through a series of punches that each followed with a point-blank blast of her handguns.
Harley: Bang! Bang! Bababa-bang!
Deadpool was pushed back by each blast and was starting to look exhausted now that he was riddled with holes. Harley saw this as her opportunity to finish the fight and held a gun right at Deadpool’s head.
Harley: Say goodnight ya lump of cancer!
Before Harley could pull the final trigger, Deadpool countered with a high kick that knocked Harley’s hand away and used his other foot to kick her in the face.
Deadpool: Bet you didn’t know I placed first in the last a$$-kicking contest!
After kicking Harley away, Deadpool felt the holes in his arms close up allowing him to use them freely again. He pulled out two handguns of his own and pointed them at Harley who was just finished reloading her own handguns.
Deadpool: Yippee-Ki-Yay Motherf*cker!
Harley: Bring it on copycat!
The two fired nonstop at each other while also trying to avoid each other’s bullets. They moved in a circle as they fought before attempting to close in on one another. It wasn’t easy to dodge the bullets as they were fired at closer and closer range, and it cost Harley one of her guns as Deadpool shot it right out of her hand. Harley wasn’t daunted by this as she used the now free hand to smack one of Deadpool’s guns out of his hand then pointed her remaining gun at the mercenary's face. Deadpool put his skills to quick use and retaliated by pointing his own gun at Harley’s face and tried to fire immediately. Both pulled the trigger at the same time, but their showdown was interrupted by the clicking sound coming from both firearms.
Deadpool and Harley: F*ck! Out of bullets!
Harley: This isn’t going to work, I need some weapons if I wanna kill you properly.
Deadpool: And I’ve been needing to take a sh*t since the bar scene. We can’t keep going on like this.
The two stared at each other for a while and reached the same conclusion.
Deadpool: How about we take five to freshen up and restock?
Harley: Sure, why not? Meet you back here in Act 3?
Deadpool: Of course, see you then.
Harley: Looking forward to it.
The two walked away as the second act came to a close.
But behind the unnecessary intermission screen the two pulled out their smartphones with a devious plan in mind.
Deadpool: Hello? Editors of Marvel Comics? I need a favor.
Harley: Hey Clatterbuck, how’s it going? Listen, I need to ask you a huge favor.
Act 3: The Part Where The Writer Makes Up A Bunch Of Bullsh*t[]
Deadpool and Harley reappeared on the streets, having just finished their break, and greeted each other with a smile.
Deadpool: Hey babe, I was thinking about you while I was gone.
Harley: Aww, you have?
Deadpool: Yup, I’ve been trying to figure out what would be the most painful way to kill you. Rocket propelled sword to the face, perhaps?
Harley: Real creative type ain’t ya? Welp, the breaks over so let’s get this party started!
The two began the final round by pulling out their handguns at each other. Harley took a second to analyze the situation and figured that a stronger gun was necessary. She stashed away her handgun and brought out a newly rebuilt Pop-Gun which Deadpool did not take well.
Deadpool: Oh hell no!
Deadpool put away his handgun and brought out a shotgun. In response, Harley traded her Pop-Gun for a grenade launcher which made Deadpool switch his shotgun with a minigun. Harley then withdrew her grenade launcher and brought out a rocket launcher which would have been checkmate if Deadpool didn’t ditch his minigun for an oversized laser cannon. Oddly enough, Harley was not intimidated by the last weapon as she laid aside the rocket launcher and pulled out a comic book and pen. She grinned as if these feeble-looking tools were a trump card, but Deadpool was not convinced.
Deadpool: (*laughs*) ...you serious?
Harley: Very serious! Now eat this!
Harley took the pen and started writing into the comic as if we’re some sort of attack. Deadpool didn’t understand what was going on so he went ahead and charged up the laser canon.
Deadpool: Yup, she’s lost it. Best to put her out of her misery.
However, the laser cannon exploded into a confetti leaving Deadpool angry and confused.
Deadpool: What the f*ck!? Weasel said this wouldn’t explode into confetti!
Harley: Oh, I’m sure he was right, but as long as I have this comic I decide how the story goes!
Harley turned the comic around revealing a picture of Deadpool (with stink lines on him) holding the laser cannon (also with stink lines) as it exploded into confetti just like it did in reality.
Harley: And that’s game, set, and match!
Harley wrote in the comic again, this time creating a box containing the words “and then Deadpool stopped existing”. Suddenly, Deadpool’s body started dissipating into petals from the legs up.
Deadpool: Oh sh*t, I’m being Thanos’ed!
The petals continue rising up leaving Deadpool with only his right arm and head.
Deadpool: If only I had my own reality-warping super weapon to get me out of this predicament- oh wait!
Deadpool takes out a small black gem and holds it up high. It started giving a purple glow which made the petals reassemble and return Deadpool’s body to normal.
Deadpool: Continuity Gem! Pulled straight out of the anus of Thanus and perfect for retconning your retcons!
Harley: This just got interesting. Let’s hope the universe stays intact.
Harley starts scribbling in her comic book causing a bolt of lightning to emerge from it, while Deadpool does the same by thrusting his Continuity Gem forward. The two lighting bolts collide, pushing against each other as if it were a Harry Potter duel. It wasn’t long before the bolts exploded and pushed their two casters back.
Harley: You’re gonna need more than that to beat me!
Deadpool: You want more? I’ll give you more!
Deadpool held up his gem and it summoned an army of Deadpools to the battlefield, each of them unique in appearance.
Deadpool: Allow me to introduce you to the Deadpool Corps. Meet Lady Deadpool, Kidpool, Grootpool, Beard of Beespool, my personal favorite Pandapool, and the rest.
The other Deadpools: Nice to meet ya!
The members of the Deadpool Corps simultaneously pulled out their katanas, preparing to assault their mutual enemy.
Harley: I feel so ashamed. I’m hosting so many guests and I’m not even dressed properly.
Harley wrote in her comic book again and a red and black Lantern Ring appeared right above her. She quickly put on the ring and her outfit into a demonic version of the Green Lantern's outfit with the appropriate color scheme.
Deadpool: I don’t remember that from the analysis. Where the hell did you get that?
Harley: My Little Black Book Issue #2.
Deadpool: Well we aren’t going out like Ben 10! Deadpool Corps, kick her a$$!
All the Deadpools charged at Harley who used her ring to create a bunch of missiles and fire them. The missiles blew up Deadpools left and right leaving nothing left for them to regenerate from, but some Deadpools managed to dodge the blasts and get in close enough to swing their swords. Harley stopped the attack by forming a barrier around herself then detonating it to send the Deadpools flying back. She then made two giant hands to swoop up the Deadpools and throw them into a pile. With a wave of her ring, Harley made a miniature Death Star that blasted the Deadpools into a pile of ash.
However, the original Deadpool managed to jump away in time and landed on his feet. Harley saw this and used her ring to manifest a giant boot with only one goal in mind..
Deadpool: Don’t you dare.
Harley swung the giant boot which hit Deadpool right in the crotch, destroying his balls and sending him flying into the stratosphere.
Deadpool (in a high pitched voice): whyyyyyyyy?
Once Deadpool started flying back to the ground, Harley grabbed him with a giant hand and pulled the mercenary in. Deadpool appeared too exhausted to fight back so Harley grabbed him by his outfit and charged up power in her Lantern ring for a finishing blow.
Harley: And then there was one… my bad I meant none.
Harley thrusted her ring forward, but Deadpool quickly held up the Continuity Gem which stopped the Lantern Ring by turning it into a Ring Pop. As a result, Harley’s Lantern outfit and powers dissipated, returning her to her former self.
Harley: Well this isn’t good.
Deadpool: No, no it isn’t.
Deadpool kicks Harley away then looks at his Continuity Gem and gets an idea. He rams the gem into his chest causing its energy to flow through his body and envelop him in a purple aura.
Deadpool: Yeah baby! Let’s see how far we can take this!
Harley is shocked by Deadpool’s power-up, but quickly realizes she can do the same. Taking out the comic again, she drew another picture where she somehow absorbed the comic into her body causing that event to happen in reality as well. This caused her to gain a similar power-up albeit with a pink aura.
Harley: How is this even possible?
Deadpool: We control the story now! Anything is possible!
Now that both fighters had been given power-ups for the writer’s convenience, they continued their chaotic clash. Deadpool used his continuity-altering power to grow a pair of Wolverine claws and lashed out at Harley who dodged the swings and pulled out a Lasso of Truth. She threw the lasso and wrapped it around Deadpool’s wrists.
Harley: Tell me, do you have any embarrassing secrets?
Deadpool: I’m afraid of cows. Their faces scare the sh*t out of me.
Harley: Hahaha! Seriously!? You’re such a loser!
Deadpool covered his mouth with his confined hands. He didn’t understand why he let out that secret, but he was embarrassed that he did. That embarrassment soon turned into rage as Deadpool’s body grew until he was Hulk-sized then broke the lasso.
Deadpool: Deadpool angry! Deadpool smash!
The buffed-up Deadpool grabbed Harley and slammed towards the ground multiple times before throwing her into a building hard enough to make it collapse. This put Harley in critical condition, but her newfound powers wrote the damage out of continuity allowing her to get up.
Harley: This looks like a job for Super-Harley!
Harley spun around like a tornado and her outfit changed into a replica of Superman’s outfit. Deadpool charged towards Harley to land another punch only to be completely stopped by Harley’s finger.
Deadpool: Oh shi-
Deadpool’s cursing was interrupted by a super strong punch to his face that launched him to the other end of the city. Harley used her super speed to catch up to Deadpool and deliver a second punch that sent him all the way to Mexico. The Merc with a Mouth got up immediately and took a look at his new surroundings.
Deadpool: Shouldn’t there have been a wall to catch me?
Deadpool didn’t have much time to contemplate politics as he saw Harley flying towards him. Acting quickly, Deadpool grabbed the ground beneath him and flipped it over, sending a wave of concrete to crush his opponent.
Harley: Woah! Backupbackupbackupbacku-
Harley slowed down to fly away from the attack, but it was too late. The concrete wave slammed down on her and began rolling itself into a cylindrical shape. It continued to do so until the ground snapped, sending the concrete roll and Harley into the air. Deadpool then snapped his fingers and the roll turned into a giant chimichanga and landed on an equally giant table. With everything set up, Deadpool, now a giant himself, appeared behind the table and pulled up his mask so that his mouth was visible.
Deadpool: That worked up an appetite! Time to eat!
Deadpool grabbed the chimichanga and tried to eat it, but felt something stop him as it touched his mouth. He rammed the chimichanga at his face over and over again, but still found himself unable to consume his meal. It wasn’t long before Deadpool realized what was stopping him: his own skin. He then noticed that not only had his mouth been sealed shut, but he also looked like the horrible version of himself from that one Wolverine movie which made him really mad.
Deadpool: (*Inaudible cursing*)
Suddenly the chimichanga exploded and out emerged Harley Quinn with a gigantic gun with the words “Anti-Deadpool Canon” on it.
Harley: Hope you saved room for desert!
Deadpool reached out to grab Harley, but the clown fired her gun and blew his arm to pieces. Harley continued firing, blasting away the giant monstrosity piece by piece. Eventually, only the head remained which was launched into the air from the other blasts and Harley took aim at it. However, she was caught off guard by another Deadpool emerging from the knockoff Deadpool’s head. This new Deadpool was in his original attire holding a flaming sword and riding a winged unicorn.
Deadpool: Excelsior!
Deadpool dived at his opponent, dodging the Anti-Deadpool blasts along the way. Before he could get close, Harley converted her cannon into a giant bat and charged up energy within it. Deadpool did the same with his sword and the two swung their weapons at each other. The collision created a massive explosion that turned a significant portion of the Earth into a crater.
Aidios Mexico.
But unlike the birthplace of tacos, Deadpool and Harley were fine since they could decide what cannocically kills them. Both wiped off the ashes covering their bodies then stared at each other.
Deadpool: Well that escalated quickly.
Harley: But it hasn’t escalated enough.
Deadpool: You know what we need to do.
Harley: Push these God-modes to their limit?
Deadpool: Heck yeah! Now let’s power up like Super Saiyans!
The two made serious poses then screamed like crazy. This caused their auras to glow even brighter indicating a massive power boost. Their power surge caused them to grow immensely to the point that they became much bigger than the Earth leaving the two floating in space.
Harley: Guess we won’t need this anymore.
Harley grabbed the Earth and casually tossed it into the Sun, burning away any potential intervention to a brawl of cosmic proportions.
Deadpool: Bye humanity, thanks for the internet memes.
With Earth out of the way the two punched each other in the face, creating a shockwave that obliterated everything nearby and sent them flying backwards. Deadpool was the first to recover and summoned a series of katanas that launched themselves at Harley, but the Maiden of Mischief created a large hammer and swatted them all away. Now the katanas were spinning towards Deadpool who tried to dodge them using ninja moves.
Deadpool: Ha! You missed me!
But that wasn’t true. In fact, Deadpool was hit by most of the katanas which stuck out all over his body.
Harley: You sure? Because you look like a pincushion right now.
Deadpool: And you have a crater face!
Harley: I have a what?
Deadpool swung his arms inwards causing hundreds of meteors to fly out of nowhere and bombard Harley right in the face. When the meteors stopped, Harley’s face was covered with more holes than the moon.
Deadpool: Need some acne cream for that?
Harley: Oh you’re really asking for it!
Both sides retconned their wounds and kept going. Harley swung her hammer, but Deadpool dodged a few swings before pulling out a nuclear bomb. He kicked Harley aside then chucked the explosive at her. However, Harley created a black hole to suck up the bomb before throwing the singularity at Deadpool’s crotch.
Deadpool: Nope.
Not wanting another nutshot nor potential innuendo, Deadpool kicked the black hole aside and pulled out his trump card. It was an Infinity Gauntlet, but instead the main six gems were at the top and the Continuity Gem was at the center looking bigger than the others. Deadpool snapped his fingers, activating the Space Gem warp Harley close to him before powering up the gauntlet with a golden glow.
Harley: Not the face!
Deadpool punched Harley in the face.
The force of the gauntlet propelled Harley into the Sun. Deadpool followed up his attack by holding his gauntlet hand out and closing it. This motion made the Sun implode on itself then explode into a nebula, seemingly killing Harley in the process.
Deadpool: And they all lived happily ever after, except for the clown… and the rest of Earth.
Unfortunately, the fight was far from over. The nebula started reforming into a new sun and holding it was Harley Quinn. She was now much larger, and 100% pink. Her eyes were completely white and a hydrogen atom mark lay on her forehead. Similar to Deadpool, this was Harley’s own trump card: using the comic’s power to give herself Dr. Manhattan’s abilities.
Harley: It’s been fun, but I’ve grown tired of this!
Harley squeezed the Sun, converting its energy into a massive laser. Deadpool tried blocking the laser with his gauntlet, and while he was successful the attack still pushed him back a bit. Once the laser stopped, Deadpool clapped his hands together and now an Infinity Gauntlet in each hand.
Deadpool: Time for the big finale!
Deadpool started throwing punches which let out their own lasers while Harley created a forcefield to block them. The mercenary then raised both his hands to create a ginormous ball of energy that he threw at his opponent. Even with Dr. Manhattan’s powers, Harley struggled to hold back the energy ball with her bare hands. This gave Deadpool the opportunity to dropkick the ball, allowing the attack to overpower Harley and send her flying backwards. The Maiden of Mischief got up quickly and prepared one final attack. She gathered up energy in her right hand which looked like a microscopic-universe, but had the same power as a full-sized one.
Harley: This will shut you up!
Deadpool: Oh yeah? Two can play that game!
Deadpool copied Harley’s attack using one of his gauntlets. The two now held universe-level energy in their hand and proceeded to use it against each other. They flew at each other at high speeds then smashed their hands together. This made the energy attacks collide and unleash a blast that could be felt throughout the universe. Suddenly, the fabric of reality began to shatter like glass and all of existence fell apart leaving nothing in its wake, not even the two psychopaths that were responsible.
It seemed everything was over, but then reality started piecing itself back together. Though it was slow at first, the reassembly sped up and until the universe was back to the way it was… well almost. The damage caused time to rewind on itself, undoing the chaotic events that shattered reality leaving Deadpool and Harley back where they started. They were back in the Metropolis Museum, pointing guns at their heads with Harley holding the golden arm that started the mess. But instead of firing, the two put down their guns to process the situation.
Harley: What the f*cking sh*t!? We’re back where we started!
Deadpool: No no no! I ain’t doing this sh*t again! There has to be a way out of this!
Harley then realized she had the golden arm in her possession and got an idea.
Harley: I think I got one!
Harley activated the arm which fired a massive laser hit Deadpool’s own arm, disintegrating it and ensuring that it wouldn’t grow back any time soon.
Deadpool: Oh f*ck.
Harley tried firing the arm again, but Deadpool tackled her. The blow knocked the golden arm out of Harley’s grasp and to places unknown. Deadpool tried to keep Harley pinned down, but it was difficult with only one arm. The Maiden of Mischief used her free arm to grab one of Deadpool’s katanas from his back and stabbed him in the chest with it. This made Deadpool jump back in pain, allowing Harley to get up and pull the sword out of her opponent's chest. Harley continued slashing at Deadpool who tried to dodge the attacks, but could only hold up for so long before Harley chopped off one of his legs.
Deadpool: Don’t think you’ve won yet! I’ve got you right where I want you!
Deadpool tried to taunt Harley while bouncing on one leg, but the latter smirked and chopped off the other leg causing Deadpool to fall to the floor.
Deadpool: All according to plan!
Harley: Yeah right.
Harley picked up what was left of Deadpool and bashed him into a wall. She impaled him with the katana to make sure he stuck on there before pulling out a bunch of timed explosives. Each explosive was placed on the wall where they would definitely hit Deadpool, but were also too far out of his reach so he couldn’t disarm them.
Harley: Now I’m sure you’re healing factor or whatever could survive one of these bad boys, but if I put 'em all together then I’m sure there won’t be anything left for you to heal from.
Deadpool: Well at least I’ll go out with a bang.
Harley: Hahaha! Good one, I’ll make sure they write it on your tombstone! So long, Deadpool!
Deadpool: Finally! You got my name right!
Harley made a break for it while pushing a detonator which started the timers on the bombs. Realizing that the explosion will kill him and that he couldn’t escape with only one arm remaining, Deadpool fell into deep despair.
Deadpool: This really is it, isn’t it! I don’t want to be killed by a clown! If only there was some deus ex machina to save me!
But hope arrived instantly when Deadpool noticed the golden arm lying right next to him.
Deadpool: There are so many things I haven’t done! I never got to meet Bea Arthur, run for President of Canada, and how will they make Deadpool 3 without me!?
The arm that was within reach and could easily turn the tides in his favor.
Deadpool: This is definitely the single most tragic death in all of Death Battle. Why did it have to end this way!?
He definitely sees the arm and is going to use it to save himself.
Deadpool: If only Professor Mewtwo was a better writer.
JUST GRAB THE F*CKING ARM ALREADY!
Deadpool: What arm? (*looks down*) Oh, that arm.
Deadpool finally saw the arm and came up with the most unorthodox yet brilliant comeback plan he could think of. He reached out and grabbed the arm then placed it between his butche- OTHER END!
Deadpool: Sorry.
He placed it between his butcheeks with the hand sticking out and started rubbing the golden arm. It then fired a massive golden laser that cleared away the explosives and propelled his body towards Harley. Deadpool pulled out his last katana and let out a battle cry.
Deadpool: Rocket propelled sword to the faaaaacccceeeee!
Harley heard this and turned around to see her opponent coming in for one last attack.
Harley: You gotta be kidding me.
Pulling out her hammer, Harley prepared to smack Deadpool’s head off.
Harley: I’ll get rid of you for good this time!
Once Deadpool got in range he swung his katana as Harley did the same with their hammer. The two attacks hit directly at the same time causing both of their heads to come flying off while their bodies collapsed to the floor.
And so ends the tragic tale of our two champions. They came, they saw, they conquered, they did a lot of weird sh*t, but in the end they could not make it out in one piece. Now both of them lie motionless, one of them dead trying to claim the golden treasure, the other-
Deadpool: Won by a head! Never underestimate a healing factor b*tches! Now witness my sexy victory dance!
Deadpool, now reduced to a talking head, shrugs himself around while humming a tune. Despite his severe casualty, he had triumphantly killed his rival and with a big paycheck coming in later nothing could make him happier.
K.O!
The next morning, Deadpool handed Peanut Butter’s arm to the museum curator who seemed less concerned with it being returned safely and more concerned with Deadpool showing up naked in public. While Deadpool explained what happened to his clothes (and the rest of his old body), some of the museum employees walk by with a new display for the special exhibit: the hammer of Harley Quinn.
Results[]
Boomstick: Yup, those two have definitely lost their minds, both figuratively and literally.
Wiz: Harley Quinn was a surprisingly tricky opponent. She was able to rival Deadpool in practically every category. Even her fourth-wall awareness meant that Harley could catch on to Deadpool’s fourth-wall breaks and plan around them, but-
Deadpool: BUT she was no match for my sheer awesomeness.
Boomstick: Godd*mmit he’s back!
Deadpool: Don’t worry, I’m just here to make your jobs easier. We all know the reason I won was because of my superb healing factor. I could easily shrug off any damage Harley did to me. There was almost no chance of that clown putting me down for good. In conclusion, Deadpool wins, the end.
Wiz: That may be true, but your healing factor wasn’t the only reason you won. In fact, even if we removed the healing factor, you possessed plenty of advantages to take the win.
Deadpool: Fine. If it’s for the sake of content, I’ll let you keep doing the results.
Popup: While technically non-applicable, the Continuity Gem and Clatterbuck’s Comic are evenly matched in terms of reality warping. However, Deadpool has demonstrated greater control over the gem’s abilities than Harley did with her comic.
Boomstick: Wait seriously!? You’ll be quiet for once!?
Wiz: Don’t jinx it, Boomstick.
Boomstick: Got it. Well for starters their feats of strength and speed were evenly matched, and even then the two could compete with characters physically superior than the both of them combined. Honestly, there didn't seem to be a physical feat one could do that the other couldn’t accomplish.
Popup: Looking closely at their feats, Deadpool was slightly stronger while Harley was slightly faster, but neither advantage was significant enough to change the outcome.
Wiz: Durability was a different story. Both did survive large buildings exploding, but only the explosion Deadpool tanked was strong enough to leave a crater behind, and while Harley was a knack with explosives, she’s never possessed anything that powerful.
Boomstick: But Deadpool and Harley weren’t all about superhuman abilities. Their real talent lies in skill and weaponry, which while extremely close, it was still in Deadpool’s favor. They did have the exact same firearms on hand, but once it got to close-range Deadpool could easily tear through Harley with the energy enhanced swords. Sure, Harley’s arsenal is less predictable, but she didn’t have anything to stop something that powerful.
Popup: Even if Harley had Joker Venom on hand, Deadpool’s enhanced immune system meant it was highly unlikely he could be affected much less killed by the toxin.
Wiz: Harley wouldn’t have much luck keeping the fight in long-range either since Deadpool’s teleporter could get him in close whenever he wanted. And don’t forget, before he was even a superhero, Deadpool spent years as a military assassin giving him far more training and experience than Harley.
Boomstick: Though Harley did have one clear advantage. She was way smarter than Deadpool and could potentially outwit him, but getting into Deadpool’s head isn’t just ill advised it’s impossible.
Wiz: Psychological manipulation is one of Harley’s specialties, but against someone like Deadpool, it was simply no good. Deadpool’s unpredictable behavior has made it difficult for friend and foe to figure out what he’s planning. For example, Taskmaster could memorize a person’s fighting style to even the most subtle muscle movement yet when he fought Deadpool he couldn’t read his movements for long because the Merc with a Mouth continuously changed his fighting style at random.
Boomstick: And don’t forget, the Joker had manipulated Harley for years by using his own unpredictable tactics to keep her in line. Harley is more intelligent than she lets on, but no amount of brains was going to outclass Deadpool’s crazy.
Wiz: Granted this fight was a lot closer than it looked on paper, and Harley had plenty of her own advantages. But with Deadpool being more skilled, better armed, and far tougher the Maiden of Mischief wasn’t getting the last laugh.
Deadpool: She “Harley” stood a chance against me. Actually, she should have “Quinn”-t while she was ahead. No wait, I can do better uhhh…
Boomstick: Well you can send in the clowns all you want, but they all “Wade” in comparison to the Merc with a Mouth’s tomfoolery.
Deadpool: Oh that is perfect. Hey, that’s an insult isn’t it?
Wiz: The winner is Deadpool.
Soundtrack Cover[]
Special Thanks to TheVoidOfDrawings for Soundtrack Cover
Next Time[]
Shantae: I'm Ret-2-Go!
Ladybug: Tikki, Spots On!
Next Time: Shantae vs Ladybug
Congratulations to Omniversia999 and Happyowo for guessing the combatants!