Description[]
Red Dwarf vs. Red VS Blue. Lazy slobs even in the setting of space.
Introduction[]
Boomstick: No matter where you might go or what you might end up doing, it's important to remain true to your nature.
Wiz: Boomstick, the nature we're talking about is laziness.
Boomstick: Exactly. Like Dave Lister, the last human aboard Red Dwarf.
Wiz: And Dexter Grif, the orange driver of the Red Team.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Dave Lister[]
Wiz: Somewhere out in deep space, more than 3 million years into the future, the ship known as Red Dwarf is attempting to make a voyage home at the behest of its four passengers.
Boomstick: You've got a uptight second-technician and technically highest-ranking personal hologram, a science savvy droid who mimicked Norman Bates for several decades and a man who evolved from cats the same way we did from apes.
Wiz: But arguably there most important personal was the last known human alive. David Lister. Who, if you hadn't gathered from our episode's theme, is a bit of a slob.
- Background
- Age: Est. 30s to 40s
- Height: 5'7
- Last human alive on Red Dwarf
- Favorite food: curries
- Is his own father
- Homo Sapien, yet barely human (what the hell?)
Boomstick: Slob is underselling it. Lister, as he is better known, is probably one of the most lazy and pig-imitating person you could ever imagine. And that's especially true since as the last human alive, he's the only impression of what humans are like to other space-faring races.
Wiz: You see, Red Dwarf used to be teaming with people, considering it was the size of a city and thus would require a large amount of personal. But due to a radiation leek, they ended up being blasted into tidy little stacks of dust. Save for Lister, of course, who had been put into suspended animation for illegally bringing an un-quarantined animal on board and was thus spared. You cannot help but cringe at the irony that of all the humans to be the last in the universe, it was someone like Dave Lister.
Popup: In the novelization, he deliberately allowed himself to get caught with the cat so that he could skip the Dwarf's trip back home. In the TV series, it was just a plain stupid move that got him ousted.
Boomstick: Oh don't go badmouthing him Wiz. He's not a bad guy, he just has a natural aversion to responsibility and work ethics. Heck, compared to the likes of Arnold Rimmer, he's a saint.
Wiz: Lister and Rimmer locked horns a lot before the radiation leak and the 3 million years Lister was in stasis but it was this that made Rimmer the suitable candidate to be brought back as hologram to keep Lister sane, given the monumental trial of getting back to Earth from the deepest reaches of space.
Boomstick: It didn't help that the universe was a pretty dangerous place, filled with bloodthirsty robots and genetically engineered monsters, but strangely never any aliens.
Wiz: Fortunately, Red Dwarf came with an assortment of different weapons that Lister can made use of.
- Arsenal
- Bazookoids
- MK. 1
- MK. 2
- Shotgun
- Crossbow
- Holo-saw
- Holowhip
- Molecular Destabiliser
- Audio recorder
- Bazookoids
Boomstick: Like the beautifully named Bazookoids. Although originally conceived as mining tools, they turned out to make good long-ranged weapons. Especially since they can fire explosion shots and even heat-seeking ballistics.
Wiz: Bazookoids also come in two different models. The one we've just described is the MK. 1, whilst the MK. 2 appears to be a much more compact version for shorter-ranged blasts. Dave once even used a Molecular Destabilizer device, which shoots out energy capable of destabilizing the molecular bonds of solid objects so that he can slip straight through.
Boomstick: In spite of the advanced technology he can make use of, Dave has a soft spot for the classics. He's not afraid to use a wrench or pipe in battle, and for some reason, there are shotguns and crossbows in the supplies on Red Dwarf.
Wiz: Sometimes however, the new and the old can come together. Like the Holo-saw, a lightsaber chainsaw. No, I am not making that up.
Boomstick: And the Holo-Whip. Although this lash was intended to put holograms in their place, given Lister himself was clearly pained by a crack across his forehead, it works pretty well against pretty much anyone.
Wiz: Lister has also used an audio recorder to misdirect his opponents, which brings me to perhaps the aspect of Lister most people underestimate; his intelligence.
Boomstick: The captain's notes even mention Lister as being surprisingly bright and that's not exactly wrong. He's an expert at manipulating loopholes and has a solid skillset in engineering.
Wiz: An alternate universe version of Lister was able to create a spaceship engine that can go so fast, it can break through into other dimensions. A glimpse at the capacity for success Dave Lister would have if he wasn't so slothful.
Boomstick: Always hiding his intelligence behind a Liverpool accent and an interest curse word; smeg.
Wiz: The context behind that word is actually pretty gross. so expect us to explain.
Boomstick: Here's a tip though; you might have learned about it during videos that explain you're developing body in school.
Wiz: In the nigh-endless quest to get back to Earth, Dave and his friends have had some pretty hectic run-ins with all sorts of threats.
- Feats
- Outwitted the Inquisitor
- Casually remained conscious when his appendix was removed
- Plugged a white hole with a planet
- Rebuilt Kryten several times
- Exploited Pree’s programming
- Defeated the Inquisitor, Simulant Convict, Emohawk
Boomstick: Like several shapeshifting mutants which can drain a person of negative emotions or Simulants, which were built for wars that never took place.
Wiz: One such Simulant, the Inquisitor, was infamous for travelling through time to erase people of no value and would have succeeded with the Red Dwarf crew, had it not been for Lister's planning, tricking the Ghost Rider-rip-off into erasing itself with its own weapon. And for a blatantly lazy bum, he's surprisingly capable in a scrap.
Boomstick: Not only does he handle his weapons well but one time he straight up kicked two different dudes in the face, all in one motion. Pretty sure he might have pulled something doing that though, and that reminds me that he's taken several injuries.
Wiz: Like getting smashed over the head with a chair, tossed through a glass window and only experiencing slight discomfort when cutting his abdomen lasered open and his diseased appendix pulled out.
Boomstick: Why'd that guy give it back to him though? To eat? I mean he downs spicy curries regularly and once ate a person, so I guess he might not be fully adverse to it. In the scenario that Lister needs to make a quick getaway, he makes use of Starbug.
Wiz: Which was able to cross a nebula in about 60 minutes, requiring it to fly at nearly 20 million times the speed of light.
Boomstick: Dave Lister has certainly seen his fare share of action, not to mention pitfalls and setbacks, but when the time comes he will shift himself out of his lazy lifestyle to protect his ship and his friends.
Wiz: Well, maybe except for Rimmer.
Dexter Grif[]
Wiz: The valley of Blood Gulch is the centerpiece of an epic battle, a ancient rivalry, a feud that has gone for many years; a battle between Red versus Blue.
Boomstick: Except not really because there is no war, at least not one centered around that location. No, it's simple nothing more than a battle simulation, filled with extendable grunts to be used as training dummies for Freelancers.
Wiz: These Sim Troopers are noteworthy for being pretty far removed from what most people would expect of soldiers. Rather than being brave, powerful and courageous, they're more likely than not to be unskilled, overzealous or just straight as dumb as a bag of rocks.
Boomstick: In other words, not cut out for the soldier lifestyle, especially if you're as lazy as one Dexter Grif.
- Background
- Height: Est. 5'10
- Nationality: Hawaiian
- Member of the Red Team
- Best frienemies with Simmons
- Favorite food: Pizza
- Somehow has pygmy sloth DNA
Wiz: Ironically enough however, Grif originally wanted to join the army to get some stability in his life. After all, having a mother who would frequently do "tricks" for an entire circus would likely severely lack in the stability-proving department.
Boomstick: Heh-heh.
Wiz: You find this funny?
Boomstick: I know I shouldn't, but there's just something about Grif getting the short end of the stick in just about anything that tickles me right. Like the grueling obstacle course that made him hate the very essence of effort. And by the time he realized that it was just a warm-up for what the army was like, it was too late. He was enrolled.
Wiz: Fortunately for him though, his lackluster stats saw him sent to Blood Gulch, far away from any actual war. All he had to do was keep his head down whenever a Freelancer breezed on by and he's be all set. Unfortunately, when it came to avoiding all sorts of danger, the individual members of the Red and Blue teams were pretty much homing beacons of death. Especially the leader of Grif's rival team, Church, who was a secret AI that everyone was itching to get their hands on.
Boomstick: So like it or not, Grif would have to learn to carry his noticeable weight in order to survive whatever came his way.
Wiz: Fortunately, like most of his fellow Sim Troopers, he had himself some useful. Like his armor for one.
- Arsenal and Equipment
- Battle Rifle
- SMG
- Magnum
- Assault Rifle
- Grenades
- Brute Shot
- Suppressor
- Mark VI Armor
Boomstick: Which is definitely orange, not yellow. That's his sister's color after all. This Mark VI Armor is designed to enable survivability in environments as harsh as space and to be explosion resistant.
Wiz: He also wields several different kinds of firearms, like an Assault Rifle, a Battle Rifle, SMGs and a pistol-like Magnum. That's Magnum as in the gun, not the ice-cream treats Grif would probably enjoy, just to clarify.
Boomstick: The Red Team also comes packing with some grenades, which Grif is all too happy to hurl at his targets.
Wiz: He even once wielded a Suppressor, a weapon made with an ancient alien artefact capable of firing plasma bolts.
Boomstick: But if I had to say what Grif's most notable weapon was, it would be one thing; his gut! Ha, got him!
Wiz: Actually, it did play a part in how he got the Suppressor. Using his surprising bulk to overpower Agent Carolina and steal it away from her.
Boomstick: Wait a moment, he overpowered a Freelancer?
Wiz: Two, technically, as he also took the Meta, formerly Agent Maine, by surprise and stole his signature weapon for himself; the Brute Shot.
Boomstick: Well, now that I know about. This baby is part massive blade and part grenade launcher, capable of firing up to 6 shots from a single clip.
Wiz: It's officially known as the Brute Shot, but Grif prefers the ego-stroking moniker he gave it; the Grif Shot.
Boomstick: Ah...Grif. Shot. Those words together tickle my brain.
Wiz: You seem really enthusiastic about the prospect of Grif getting injured.
Boomstick: Yeah, I have no idea why though. I can understand Grif's laziness, so it's not that. It just feels...genetic to see him in pain.
Wiz: Well, you may be in luck considering how much Grif's commanding officer has it in for him, wasting no chance to hurt him.
- Feats
- Survived being shot and blasted by his own team
- Tricked the Blues and Reds
- Disarmed the Meta and Agent Carolina
- Dodged bullets from a battle rifle and shotgun
- Survived a beat down from Agent Tex
- Helped defeat Agent Washington, the Meta, Gene
Boomstick: He's survived getting shot by him or straight up blasted with a tank.
Wiz: We all know that the subject of just how durable Red VS Blue characters are is a bit of a controversial one but after much consideration, we believe it comes down to both the toughness of a character's armor and the toughness of their own selves. Take the difference in survivability between South Dakota and the Meta for example. Dakota only took several bullet shots, including one to the head, before going down whilst the Meta takes innumerable attacks like those, like the consecutive shots to the throat. As both these showings were relevant to the series itself, that means a character's own personal durability is a factor in determining their survivability.
Boomstick: So the toughness shown by individual characters is where they should be individually placed. Meaning Grif himself is tough enough to survive several kinds of explosions, including one that heavily damaged the landscape. And that's nothing to say of the beat down he got at the hands of the super-strong Agent Texas, with him getting hit in the worst possible place. Over and over again.
Wiz: Grif also has a rather capable head on his shoulders, capable of coming up with misdirecting strategies and keeping a calm head whilst driving through perilous situations. Really, the only drawback to being Grif are what we've mentioned before, like his laziness or lack of motivation to do anything but sleep or eat.
Boomstick: But each member of Red Team has always proved themselves when they had to, and Dexter Grif is no exception. Even if he doesn't like associating with of them to begin with.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
The Battle[]
Setting: Hanger of Red Dwarf
Dave Lister and Arnold Rimmer stood in front of a massive pile of packaged curries.
Lister: Told ya smeghead. Old socks are a valuable resource in deep space.
Rimmer: Yeah, when the buyers in question happen to be hairy mutants with as much taste in fashion as they have in food, it's a given.
Lister: Oh suck a lemon!
Lister rubbed his hands and started forwards as Rimmer walked off with a roll of his eyes.
Lister: Anyways, let the banquet commence!
Just as he came within a hand's each of the first packet, a Pelican zoomed into the hander from nowhere and smashed through the pile of food, denting and destroying each one as Lister stood there, frozen in shock and heartbreak. Sounds of cursing came from the crashed Pelican and Grif smashed his way through the window.
Grif: Stupid stick! Never goes the way I want it.
Lister: Hey!
Grif turned his head and ducked beneath the shot that Lister fired at him from a Bazookoid, which caused him to lose his balance and fall off the front of the Pelican.
Lister: You just ruined the catch of a centaury!
Grif: Aw no man, I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do to...put a bullet in you!
Grif pulled out his Magnum and aimed it at Lister, pulling the trigger.
FIGHT!
Lister ducked and ran from the clumsily-fired barrage until he was hiding behind a stack of metal crates, the bullets bouncing off harmlessly. As soon as he heard the click of an empty magazine, he turned about and fired a shoot from his Bazookoid. Grif ducked beneath the shot as he himself took cover behind some metal crates and was finally able to reload. He popped up, firing off a volley that Lister ducked away from, appearing around the other side of the crates to fire from a different angle, his shot skimming Grif's helmet and making him duck down again. The Red soldier looked at his pistol.
Grif: Well, that's not working.
He tossed it aside and pulled out his Battle Rifle.
Grif: Let's see if this does the trick!
He jump up and fired the rifle, the higher power of the bullets sending the metal crates flying and depriving Lister of his cover. The man was forced to then take off running to keep ahead of Grif's bullet stream and although he avoid each shot, he was panting in no time. So he rolled forwards and took up an aiming position on the ground, firing a shot that nailed Grif on the shoulder. He cried out and stumbled back in spite of his armor soaking up the damage. When he tried to bring his rifle around to get another volley off, Lister got him with a shot in the thigh. With his opponent off-balance, Lister surged back to his feet and advanced on Grif, continuing to fire shots that kept Grif off-center. Even as the shots knocked him about however, Grif was able to pull out a grenade, although when he pulled out the chin and attempted a toss, a shot into his stomach caused him to botch his toss, sending the grenade flying into the air and landing between them.
The resulting blast affected Lister more than Grif due to the latter's armor so he was free to charge forwards as Lister stumbled and blinked blindly. By the time Lister was able to recover slightly, Grif threw two punches that collided with either side of Lister's head. When Lister attempted to bring the Bazookoid back around, Grif grabbed the barrel of the weapon to stop Lister from doing so and he tried to aim his own weapon at Lister. Lister mimicked Grif's action and brought his arm up block its path to his face. This lock was eventually broken when Grif was able to yank the Bazookoid out of Dave's grasp at the same time Grif's battle rifle was yanked out from his hand by Lister's arm. Now lacking a gun, Dave and Grif started trading punches, both grunting with each blow that got landed on them. Lister, in particular, ended up clutching his hand in pain and hissing when he directed a punch straight into Grif's armored visor, although the blow did askew the helmet and thus the vision to provided. Lister cast a look at Grif as he attempted to fix his helmet and then at his throbbing fist.
Lister: Aw, smeg this.
He turned and jogged towards the wall where there was a canister with a MK 2 Bazookoid inside. He smashed the glass with his elbow and pulled it out. He turned back around to face Grif, firing a shot from it that hit the Sim Trooper in the stomach, knocking the wind from his lungs. He avoided the next blast aimed at his head and he pulled out the Suppressor, firing a shot that zoomed by Lister's side, leaving his clothes with a hole in the very edge.
Lister: Holy crap!
Grif: I know. That's why I brought it with me!
He fired another shot that Lister had to duck beneath and he primed his Bazookoid with a heat-seeker.
Lister: Suck on this you tangerine-colored twat!
He fired the heat-seeker and Grif ducked beneath it effortlessly.
Grif: Hah! You're aim's worse than that blue...!
He noticed the orb-like projectile swerve back around towards him and he yelped as he ducked his head. The heat-seeker turned back towards him again, sending the Sim Trooper running with it in hot pursuit, until he was amidst selves of technological supplies. Understanding that it would not leave him be, after several moments of weaving through the selves, Grif turned around and aimed as best he could to fire a shot from the Suppressor which clipped the heat-seeker enough to prematurely detonate it. He breathed out a sigh of relief before a sharp whistle compelled him to turn around in time to get lashed across the face with the Holo-Whip Lister was wielding.
Grif: Agh! You mother...!
Lister: I'm fine with you calling me that. So long as you don't say "Harder Daddy".
He lashed out with the whip numerous times, cracking Grif all over his body with the intent to give him go time to aim and fire his weapon. Realizing he would have to put in effort to achieve that goal, Grif raised his arm up so that the whip lashed around his arm, keeping it tethered and in place so he could aim the Suppressor and fire it at Lister, who was able to avoid it by arching his body. Grif pulled on the whip around his arm, pulling Lister closer to try for an easier shot, only for the gun to be kicked out of his hand by Lister's quickly-thought action. It was no real issue for Grif though, who simply used his free hand to sock Lister right in the face, stunning him and allowing Grif to deliver a knee into his stomach. And as he was bent over in pain, Grif grabbed him by the seat of his pants and collar and chucked him into one of the selves, causing parts of machinery to rain down around the battered human.
Lister groaned whilst Grif shook the Holo-Whip from his arm. He marched forwards, intending on giving Lister a lot more pain, but the moment he grabbed him his dreadlocks, Lister lashed out with a pipe into the worst place Grif could have possibly gotten hit. Grif let out a wheezing scream before Lister came him a bash on the head with the pipe before running off.
Grif: Oh, that is it!
He pulled out his SMG and chased after Lister, only to see he had vanished upon turning the corner. He skulked forwards, looking for his opponent.
Grif: Where are you, you little rat?
Lister: Closer than you know.
Grif jumped at the sudden reply before running in the direction of the voice. With a yell, he rounded a corner to behold where he had heard the voice came from...and saw nothing there.
Grif: What the...?
He looked down to see a voice recorder on the ground right before a shadow fell on him. He had enough time to look up and see it was one of the selves before he was buried under it and it's contents, all to reveal Lister standing behind it with a cocky grin on his face.
Lister: Berk.
His smile faded when he saw movement beneath the items and self.
Lister: Oh come on. Think it's time to scramble.
He turned and headed for a steel flight of stairs, jogging up it to reach the walkway. As he crossed the walkway to the way out, a grenade launched past his head and exploded in front of him, cutting off his escape. Lister yowled and stopped his running, turning around to see Grif hoisting up the Brute Shot.
Grif: With all due respect to your retreat...fuck it.
Lister rolled his eyes and turned around.
Lister: Okay then, let's finish this.
He pulled out a Holo-Saw, activating its glowing laser blade and he and Grif started towards each other. They yelled as they slashed their weapons at each other, the blade of the Brute Shot meeting with the blade of the Holo-Saw, sparks flying from the connection. Several other times they clashed together until the points of the weapons were pressed together as their owners attempted to overpower the other. It was Grif who achieved this first, throwing his bulk forwards to push the Holo-Saw out of Lister's hand. Lister had no time to fret over the loss of his weapon as he sucked in his gut to avoid the slash aimed at his stomach before countering with a surprising show of dexterity by lashing out with a kick into Grif's face. Although this sent the Sim Trooper spinning about, he came out of the spin stabbing out with the Brute Shot, which very nearly got Lister had he not stumbled backwards and crashed down onto his back. Grif advanced forwards, the Brute Shot raised above his head ready to slash it down and would of had Lister not pulled out the Molecular Destabilizer and shot the ground beneath Grif's feet. With a yell, the Sim Trooper fell through the hole, the still solid parts of the walkway ripping the Brute Shot from his hands as its edges snagged on them as he continued to fall, landing groin-first on an upturned cuboid crate.
Grif: Why universe?
He slid off, landing on his back. This let him look up to see Lister now holding the Brute Shot and aiming it down at him.
Lister: Gotcha.
He was about to fire it when Grif suddenly laughed.
Grif: Dude, you're going to try and blast me with a grenade? You've seen that my armor protects me. You want to launch the blade at me.
Lister: Oh yeah. Boss thinking.
He turned the Brute Shot around, the blade now pointing at Grif and fired it. A grenade launched itself out from behind Lister, sailed up into the air and blew apart the support frame of the walkway. Lister looked up and went pale.
Lister: Oh smeg.
With that, the walkway collapsed and Lister fell through the air, the heavier Brute Shot dropping faster than he did. Grif rushed forwards, snatched the Brute Shot and slashed it upwards to impale Lister on the blade as he fell within range. Grif stood there with the body hoisted his head, until he legs began to wobble.
Grif: Crud this guy is heavyyy!
With that, he, his bloody weapon and Lister's body all collapsed onto the ground with a crash.
KO!
Outcome[]
Boomstick: So does this technically mean humanity is extinct, or not because Grif is there?
Wiz: Both these two were certainly capable when they found the right motivation but it was Grif who had basically everything going for him. Like the military training for one thing. Whilst it's clear that Grif hated his time preparing for the army, the fact remains he still got the training, whilst Lister never had anything like that.
Popup: Given the Brute Shot's blade was able to deflect the Great Key, which is a laser weapon, it's likely it could hold up to the Holo-Saw.
Boomstick: Grif was also much stronger. He helped push a large Warthog weighing over 3 tons whilst Lister helped as part of a three man job in supporting a woman's weight.
Popup: Lister also needed help to lift a large tombstone and even then it was still a difficult task for him and his helper considering they constantly had to drop it.
Wiz: When it came to defense, Grif also had the edge. After all, he's the only one of the two to actually wear armor. Lister's shirts may have been crusty and thick but they were never going to protect him the same way Grif's armor did for him. And whilst Lister regularly pilots vehicles that can cross nebulas in a few minutes, we shouldn't take that kind of feat out of context.
Popup: Grif's armor would enable him to survive in space, so Lister using the Molecular Destabilizer to enact a scenario like that wouldn't be an instant win.
Boomstick: The thing is space crafts like that one come built with a Navicomp which helps with flight stuff, so it's likely that Lister isn't unassisted when piloting.
Wiz: Also, we would have to give the same benefit of the doubt to Grif when he piloted a Pelican between planets. Both our space-age slobs have been at the centers of some pretty wild and not to mention dangerous adventures, but Grif's clear-cut advantages with military experience and greater defenses gave him a well-earned victory.
Boomstick: The crew of the Red Dwarf must really be List-less.
Wiz: The winner is Dexter Grif.
Next Time[]
Creation and destruction
Have their gods
Trivia[]
- The connection between Lister and Grif is that they are both lazy and irresponsible characters in a sci-fi setting parodying famous sci-fi works (Star Trek and Halo, respectively) who prefer to laze around and eat their favourite meals (curries and pizzas, respectively) rather than doing their jobs, and as a result often end up locking horns with more responsible individuals (Arnold Rimmer and Sarge, respectively) and are closer to half-mechanical, half organic individuals (Kryten and Simmons, respectively). Both have also time travelled and fought sinister masked antagonists (the Inquisitor and the Meta, respectively). Coincidentally, both their series have the word 'Red' in it.
- This battle would have been in 3D
- The original music for this battle would have been called 'Red VS Dwarf', combining both combatant's series