Description[]
Star Wars vs Mortal Kombat. Which of these two evil dark people of destruction will win in a battle to the death?
Interlude[]
Wiz: Black. The colour of destruction, the colour of evil. These two wear it as their title, their honour.
Boomstick: Darth Vader, the Chosen One, former Jedi who turned evil!
Wiz: And Noob Saibot, the former Lin Kuei turned revenant.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyse their weapons, armour and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Darth Vader[]
Wiz: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Darth Vader was originally named Anakin Skywalker.
Boomstick: He didn't have the best childhood, being sold into slavery at a young age. So..is he an orphan? That would make a lot of sense.
Wiz: But not everything was terrible, young Skywalker was a child prodigy, from a mechanic to a Jedi, there was even some pod racing in there somewhere.
Boomstick: So I guess he was a pretty sweet deal! Eventually, a Jedi analysed him with the Force and found that he was the destined Chosen One! Tell us something we don't know!
Wiz: He was naturally curious and wanted to know the full extent of the force. He was trained under the watchful eye of Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Boomstick: As an adult, he was able to move full starships and crush buildings with his mind! I mean, jeez...
(Anakin Skywalker: I don't like sand, it's course and it gets everywhere)
Boomstick: Oh yeah, he's also pretty annoying.
Wiz: Unable to cope with the loss of his wife, who was pregnant at the time, he turned to the Dark Side.
Boomstick: After falling in lava and losing three of his four limbs after a...eventful reunion with his master, he was remodelled, with a new, super badass suit, personality and name, Darth Vader.
Wiz: Besides being used to intimidate, Darth Vader's suit increased his strength, hearing and durability. He's strong enough to lift several hundred pounds, he can tank direct hits from a lightsaber. He can even leap dozens of feet without breaking a sweat, all without the force!
Boomstick: But his suit is terrible. It's mismatched, pulling and snagging on his skin, it's weighed him down and was basically a nuisance. He also couldn't sleep from that damn breathing.
(Darth Vader breathes)
Boomstick: Ah, god! How does ANYONE sleep on the Star Destroyer?
Wiz: Well, I guess that's the price to pay when you include these problems just so that your student wouldn't be as powerful as you.
Boomstick: Wow, just call Palpatine the biggest sore loser ever.
Wiz: However, instead of slowing him down, Darth Vader worked around these problems, developing a fighting style that helps him deal with this.
Boomstick: Before we go any further, we must talk about something, his goddamn lightsaber!
Wiz: It acts like a sword made of plasma, said to be so hot it can cauterize wounds immediately, meaning the wounds don't bleed. He can even manually double the length.
Boomstick: But Wiz, we are forgetting something...the Force. He was already powerful, but when he uses this to fight, you know it's gonna get serious.
Wiz: Be warned, the Force is much more than just telekinesis. While this is some of it, there is a plethora of possibilities witht he force. He can deflect laser fire, see his opponents next move and with Force Choke, he can lift people in the air and...well, choke them.
Boomstick: He can even heal himself with Force Heal and boost himself physically and mentally witht the force.
Wiz: And while his robot limbs means he cannot channel lightning like his master, he can fire Kinettes, basically a highly condensed ball of energy.
Boomstick: And complementing the Dark Side of the Force, he becomes more dangerous as the fight goes on, the angrier he gets, he's more dangerous.
Wiz: He's defeated tons of Jedi's and Jedi Masters, including the Darth Maul clone, and he did that by stabbing himself.
Boomstick: Damn! And while he's not perfect, he'll take every step to reach and surpass it.
(Darth Vader: You don't know the power of the Dark Side)
Noob Saibot[]
Wiz: For many years, the Lin Kuei and Shirai Ryu were at war, the Shirai Ryu's most powerful warrior was Scorpion, then known as Hanzo Hasashi.
Boomstick: But there was also the cold-blooded Lin Kuei who would originally don the Sub-Zero mask, Bi-Han.
Wiz: But one day, Bi-Han went too far, killing Scorpion.
Boomstick: But Hanzo was resurrected as the now pissed-off Scorpion, who was tricked into thinking that Bi-Han killed his family, so Scorpion killed him back.
Wiz: Unknown to the both of them, Bi-Han came back, he was resurrected as the pure evil warrior that would help Earthrealm fall to its knees, his name was Noob Saibot.
Boomstick: Turns out, being a shadow monster who is technically is a human has its benefits. I mean, he already was Bi-Han, Sub-Zero so he naturally has the ability to shoot ice.
Wiz: True to his name, Sub-Zero can create ice colder than 0 degrees Kelvin, a.k.a, absolute zero, which is impossible.
Boomstick: Like his younger brother, Noob Saibot can fire iceballs, create ice clones that freeze people on impact, make his own personal slip and slide with ice and can freeze someone solid with a tap of his fingers.
Wiz: He can even freeze the air, utilizing the water particles in the air. He can create showers of ice which can freeze opponents in place.
Boomstick: OKAY! Sheesh, that's enough ice talk for now. Let's talk about his shadow side!
Wiz: Being half-darkness, Noob Saibot can utilize the darkness to make him even stronger. He has sort of...a black fireball which confuses the target and disables their special moves.
Boomstick: Talk about overpowered...
Wiz: You want overpowered? How about the fact that he literally plagiarizes other people's moves? He can use Scorpion's classic kunai spear, and even does the weird teleport to punch from behind.
Boomstick: He can grab someone and slam them back into the ground with the Teleport Slam, can create a shadow that grabs someone and throws them in the air, and can literally create half-water clones of himself that think and attack freely!
Wiz: He can even throw a blue fireball, but these aren't his only moves. He owns tons of weapons to take into battle. He owns a seemingly endless supply of shuriken's, a ninja sword, a scythe and a troll hammer.
Boomstick: Wh-What? A troll hammer? What does it do? Go on the internet and play tricks on people?
Wiz: No, it's more like...
(We see the troll hammer)
Boomstick: So it's just like a normal sledgehammer. Why call it a troll hammer, then?
Wiz: Noob Saibot is a force to be reckoned with. He invented the infamous 'Spine Rip' fatality, he is on par, if not, stronger than his brother, who can break titanium statues and is strong enough to not only break bones, but can rip someone in half.
Boomstick: Jeez! And to think, I was making fun of him because his first name is 'Noob'.
Wiz: It's actually Mortal Kombat co-creator Ed Boon's last name backwards.
Boomstick: Really? and Saibot...
Wiz: John Tobias.
Boomstick: Shoot.
Wiz: Noob Saibot has even gone toe-to-toe with his brother and lived. He even fought, and BEAT, the Wind, Ice, Fire, Earth Gods and Quan Chi.
Boomstick: He can even create black holes. No, not the black holes you're thinking of. These black holes drop someone from the top of the room to the floor.
Wiz: And while Noob Saibot doesn't have any exploitable weaknesses, he isn't perfect and he's lost his fair share of battles.
Boomstick: Don't mess with the cold-blooded Lin Kuei.
(Noob Saibot: I have no flaws, Quan Chi perfected me.)
Intermission[]
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!
Death Battle[]
In a galaxy far, far away, someone on a star destroyer is running with urgency, there are screams and sounds of fighting coming from the room behind them. They hesitate at Darth Vader's entrance for a second before entering.
Crewmember: My lord...!
Darth Vader turns around slowly.
Darth Vader: Spit it out.
Crewmember: We were attacked, sir. By a man in black, he had a sword, they were mowing us down!
Darth Vader quickly turns an holds the crewmember in the air with Force Choke, slowly killing the person.
Darth Vader: You mean to tell me that there's one man who is mowing a whole crew down?
Darth Vader holds his hands tighter, choking the crewmember even more. The crewmember can't speak at this moment, so they simply nod. Out of anger, Darth Vader clenches his fist together, snapping the crewmember's neck. They fall limp tot he ground as Darth Vader draws his lightsaber. The sounds of fighting sounds louder and louder before someone bursts through the door. Noob Saibot, also known as Bi-Han. He looks up at Darth Vader.
Bi-Han: One more.
Darth Vader uses the force to throw the crewmember at him, but Noob Saibot does a handstand and kicks the crewmember through the doorway.
Darth Vader: You don't know the power of the Dark Side.
Bi-Han: You don't know the power of the Lin Kuei.
Darth Vader fires three Kinettes at Bi-Han, who parries with three iceballs. Bi-Han jumps in the air and throws shurikens at Vader, who stops them with the Force. He throws the shurikens back at Bi-Han who proceeds to teleport out the way. Vader then leaps toward Noob and swings at him with the lightsaber, but he backflips out the way. Bi-Han fires three fireballs at Darth Vader, who blocks them with his lightsaber. Noob charges forward, but Vader blasts him away with Force Push. Bi-Han slams into a wall, with Vader leaping toward him, about to follow up with a strike from the lightsaber, but Bi-Han teleports out the way.
Vader: Impressive.
Bi-Han throws more shurikens at Vader, who catches them with the force and throws them back at Noob. He dodges three of them, but one catches his arm, leaving a small cut. Vader then proceeds to use Force Choke on Bi-Han and slams him into the walls multiple times. He teleports out the way and tries to use Disable, but Vader blocks the projectile with the lightsaber. Bi-Han runs toward Vader, who throws his lightsaber, but he slides under it and uppercuts Vader into the air. He then proceeds to stab him with his kunai and pulls Vader toward him, who flip kicks him in the air. This happens another three times, but Noob hears the lightsaber flying back toward him, but Vader catches him with the force.
Vader: Most impressive.
Bi-Han struggles, but he's impaled in the side by the lightsaber. Vader proceeds to throw him against the wall once more. Bi-Han, who realises that he can't get close to Vader, sends out a liquid clone, which charges toward him. Vader slices the clone in half with the lightsaber, but the kunai spear enters his arm. Bi-Han pulls Vader toward him and uses his ninja sword to slice Vader, but his armour stops the blow. He kicks Vader in the stomach before pulling out the Troll Hammer.
Vader tries to use the Force to bring the hammer toward him, but Noob teleports behind him and whacks him with it, causing him to stumble. Bi-Han teleports in front of him and whacks him in the head, slightly damaging his helmet. He continues to teleport around Vader and hit him with the hammer until he rips the mallet away from Bi-Han with the Force.
Bi-Han creates a shadow clone to grab Vader from behind and Teleport Slams him into the floor, damaging his mask even more. Vader gets on his knees, taking note of his slightly raspy breath. Bi-Han fires his Disable while he's distracted, but the Force stops the blast. Bi-Han's clone kicks the back of his knees, forcing Vader to his knees. The cone jumps on top of Vader and wrestles him, somehow turning his lightsaber off. Vader uses the Force to snap the clone in half. Bi-Han takes this opportunity to fire Disable, which finally hits its mark. Darth Vader is momentarily confused, but he quickly snaps out of it. He tries to use the Force to grab his lightsaber, but its ineffective.
Bi-Han fires his kunai spear at Vader, who's caught right in the middle by the spear. This leaves a hole in his suit. Bi-Han pulls the kunai toward him, which exits Vader's chest and pulls him toward Bi-Han. He pulls out his sword and stabs Vader in the chest - right where the hole is, leaving blood. Vader starts to use Force Heal, forcing the sword out of his chest.
Vader: The Force is strong with this one...
Bi-Han: You haven't seen the half of it.
As Vader leaps toward his lightsaber, Bi-Han fires a ball of ice at his arm, which freezes his arm and lightsaber. The good news is, Vader's Force has come back. He breaks his arm free of the ice and uses one hand to force Bi-Han to the window of the Star Destroyer and uses his other hand to drag a ship into the window where Bi-Han is, leaving a big explosion, which catches Vader in it.
The screen fades to black.
Suddenly, out of the rubble of the explosion, we see Darth Vader emerging. He's damaged, but alive. His breathing is raspy, he uses the Force to keep him alive and breathing. He reaches for the lightsaber. As he gets up to draw it, a black projectile hits him in the back of the head, disabling his Force once again. This immediately starts to impact Vader's breathing. He starts to gasp and cough. Out of the explosion, we see a limping Bi-Han.
Darth Vader: How?
Bi-Han smiles and draws his hammer. He throws the hammer, but it misses Vader by a mile. Instead, it hits the window, creating a vacuum, starting to pull Vader and Bi-Han out into space. Bi-Han quickly teleports away. However, the Disable from Bi-Han renders his Force useless. Darth Vader is sucked out of the Star Destroyer into space, and the combination of a damaged life-support system and lack of oxygen in space slowly suffocates him.
It turns out that Bi-Han teleported back to the Netherrealm, where Quan Chi plays the saxophone in celebration. Meanwhile, Darth Vader's corpse floats out in space, and it will remain so forever.
Conclusion[]
Boomstick: Ho-holy crap! That was so brutal!
Wiz: While Darth Vader's lightsaber and Force was enough to keep Bi-Han busy and at a distance, but eventually, Sub-Zero would break through.
Boomstick: Yeah, Bi-Han's clones and teleportation didn't make the fight easy for Darth Vader to keep up with. While he definitely could, he was constantly moving.
Wiz: And Bi-Han's many projectiles means that he could stay out of close range for longer, meaning that Vader didn't get many opportunities to use his lightsaber at all.
Boomstick: Combine that with two of the same person trying to kill you, it makes it hard to do anything.
Wiz: And since Bi-Han is a revenant and literally undead, putting him down wasn't easy. Hell, even that spaceship that crashed into the star destroyer probably couldn't kill him.
Boomstick: Add in a hard attack to his mask and game over. You'd think that being sucked out into space would be enough, but Bi-Han can teleport, meaning that he could easily escape the vacuum while poor Vader would be left to die.
Wiz: Or Bi-Han could just freeze him in place and blast him to pieces, or he could just freeze the air and end the fight that way.
Boomstick: While Vader has more destructive capacity, he simply cannot compete with Bi-Han's ice, clones, teleportation and ability to friggin DISABLING an enemy's special moves, leaving Darth Vader with nothing but his lightsaber.
Wiz: "But Wiz, can't Vader just snap his neck?" Yes and no. He could, but Bi-Han can easily disable his Force, feeing him, he can freeze and shatter his arm or he can call a clone to distract him. Not to mention he could just goddamn teleport out of the way!
Boomstick: This match really 'sucked'!
Wiz: Uh...
Boomstick: Wait! No. Um...Well, I guess Noob Saibot 'forced' Darth Vader to lose this match.
Wiz: We...really need you to come up with better puns. The winner is Noob Saibot.
