LEGO Darth Vader VS Emperor Zurg is a What-If? Death Battle by DiAma1.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Every evil empire needs a leader, a dark lord with the power to conquer the galaxy. But what if the scale was a bit... smaller?
Boomstick: Darth Vader, dark lord of the LEGO universe!
Wiz: And Emperor Zurg, Toy Story's ultimate villain!
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: It's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to see who would win in a Death Battle!
LEGO Darth Vader[]
Wiz: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there lived Darth Vader, dark lord of the Sith, second only to the Emperor of the galaxy.
Boomstick: But we're not talking about him today. Instead, we're talking about his miniature form from LEGO Star Wars.
Wiz: Despite only standing 4 centimeters, or 1.6 inches, tall, he's every bit as intimidating as his original version.
Boomstick: Just like in the movies, LEGO Vader was once a Jedi known as Anakin Skywalker. Then he went through an emo phase, killed a ton of kids, and took a dip in a pool of lava. Then he got a cool suit of armor made of... plastic.
Wiz: That's acrylonitrile butadiene styrene, or ABS, plastic, which is what LEGOs are made of. It's one of the hardest and most durable types of plastic on the toy market.
Boomstick: Durable is right! LEGO Vader can survive laser blasts, lightsaber attacks, and explosions. Notably, he survived the explosion of the LEGO Death Star!
Wiz: As a Sith Lord, he has control over the Force, a field of energy that radiates through all things in the universe. He can use this force to choke his foes, or destroy and manipulate large objects such as X-Wing ships.
Boomstick: He also wields a red lightsaber, which is able to cut through foes and obstacles with ease. He can throw his lightsaber like a boomerang, making it fly towards enemies and return to him. He can also use his lightsaber to deflect laser beams, which he himself is fast enough to dodge.
Wiz: Note that these lasers aren't actually moving at the speed of light. When compared to arrows shot by Ewoks, it can be seen that they move at the same speed, making them likely subsonic in speed.
Boomstick: He also has a vehicle, namely his iconic TIE Advanced x1 fighter, which can fly through space and shoot lasers itself! He uses this fighter to defeat any foe in a dogfight.
Wiz: He's still got weaknesses, though. As I mentioned earlier, he only stands at 4 centimeters tall, meaning that all of his feats are scaled down to that size. For example, while using the Force to manipulate large ships may seem impressive at first, Vader's strength is no more than that of an average child who can play with LEGO toys with ease.
Boomstick: Still, for a toy, he's incredibly powerful and intimidating, and is one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy.
Emperor Zurg[]
Wiz: There once lived an evil emperor that controlled the Planet Z, but his goals were much larger than a single planet; he wanted to conquer the universe. This was Emperor Zurg, and the only one who could stop him was Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, who was coincidentally his son.
Boomstick: The adventures of Zurg and Buzz became so popular that a series of toys was made. Turns out, toys are alive and sentient, which means that they are able to fight in the real world! Hey Wiz, do you think sex toys are alive in the Toy Story world?
Wiz: Ignoring that. The toys, until taught, still believe that they're the original characters that they're based on. So, for example, all the Buzz Lightyear toys think that they're the real Buzz Lightyear, and likewise for the Zurg toys.
Boomstick: So when one Zurg toy broke out of his packaging and saw a Buzz toy, he went on a mission to defeat his arch-nemesis.
Wiz: In order to fight against Buzz, Zurg has a ball launcher, which has a seemingly infinite number of balls to shoot. He can turn up the intensity of the ball launcher to make them more "lethal", which presumably increases the speed at which they're shot.
Boomstick: Zurg is able to move at superhuman speed by keeping up with Buzz Lightyear. The reason that Buzz Lightyear has superhuman speed is because he can keep up with Woody, who can keep up with Bullseye, who can keep pace with a plane on the runway before liftoff. It's a bit convoluted, but the scaling checks out.
Wiz: He also has surprisingly high durability. He was able to survive falling down an elevator shaft. If we calculate the force of the fall by measuring how many feet he fell, we can find out that he survived a force of between 916 and 978 joules. That's about as much force that can be outputted by a professional athlete, or a large animal!
Boomstick: And as we all learned in physics class, every force has an equal and opposite force, meaning that he should be able to attack with just as much force as he can survive. That's a street-level toy, baby!
Wiz: He does have weaknesses, though. For one, he's only about 36 cm tall, and shooting foam balls isn't exactly the most dangerous method of attack. He's also delusional, believing himself to be the real Emperor Zurg, which has an impact on his attitudes in battle.
Boomstick: Still, that might not be a bad thing. Believing himself to be an evil galactic emperor, Zurg is ruthless and destructive, and nothing can stand in his way.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities!
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
Death Battle[]
Andy ran into his room and threw two packages onto his bed. One was a big purple box, and the other was a LEGO Death Star set. Suddenly, Andy's mom called from the other room, not giving him time to open or play with his new toys. He ran out of his room and slammed the door closed behind him.
A fist erupted out of the large purple box, and the toy within began to tear its way out. Emerging from the cardboard and plastic packaging was the dark emperor Zurg. Within the second package, the sound of a lightsaber activating was heard, and the cardboard began to burn a hole in it. A tiny red lightsaber blade poked out and cut a hole in the box, and out jumped an equally-tiny LEGO figure of Darth Vader.
Zurg: I will crush you like the insect that you are!
Vader: You underestimate the power of the Dark Side.
Emperor Zurg blasted a ball forward at high speeds, but Darth Vader threw his lightsaber forward and cut it in half. The two pieces landed on the bed next to him. He then jumped towards Zurg and sliced at him, but Zurg dodged the attack, retaliating by back-slapping the LEGO figure away.
Zurg followed up his attack with a series of three balls out of his blaster, which Vader caught with the Force and threw back at his foe. They hit Zurg in the face, but didn't seem to phase him. Zurg ran forward and punched down at Vader, who rolled to the side and dodged. He then swung his lightsaber at Zurg's wrist, cutting the fist clean off.
Zurg pulled back and yelled in pain. He jumped away from Vader and began shooting a series of balls. Vader sliced and dodged most of them, but one hit him, sending him flying into the bedpost and knocking his lightsaber across the room. He fell down onto the bed, but quickly regained his footing and summoned his lightsaber back with the Force, activating it once again.
Darth Vader jumped and flipped over Zurg, landing behind him and throwing his lightsaber at his back, cutting the tube that attached to his ball launcher. Zurg quickly turned around and glared at Vader. He tried to shoot, but balls wouldn't come out. He threw his launcher aside and ran towards Vader, grabbing Vader with his remaining hand. He then threw him down onto the bed, bouncing him back up and punching him in the air. Vader flew forward and landed on his back.
Vader got up and reached his arm forward. Suddenly, Zurg began grabbing at his throat as if an invisible hand was choking him. Vader lifted him into the air with the Force, choking him. Then, he lifted his lightsaber with the Force as well, and sent if flying towards Zurg. It sliced right through Zurg at the waist, cutting him in half. Zurg fell to the bed in two pieces. His top half began clawing the ground and crawling forward with his remaining hand. Darth Vader stood atop the pillow and looked down at his foe.
Vader: It's over. This time, I have the high ground.
Darth Vader jumped down, spinning with his lightsaber. He landed on Zurg's back and dug the lightsaber right into his head. The lights in Zurg's eyes went out as the toy died.
KO!
Andy returned to his room to see the toys opened and his Zurg toy destroyed. He fell to the ground and cried.
Results[]
Boomstick: Noooooooooo!!!!!
Wiz: While Zurg was certainly powerful in his own right, he simply didn't have enough power to keep up with LEGO Darth Vader.
Boomstick: Let's start with speed. While Zurg could scale to the speed of a plane running on the ground, that's nothing compared to the subsonic laser beams that Vader can react to.
Wiz: As far as defense goes, Zurg surviving that fall was impressive, but still not as impressive as the destruction of the Death Star, which was massive when compared to LEGO figures.
Boomstick: And like we said before, attack scales to defense because of Newton's third law, making Vader far more potent in his attack power than Zurg.
Wiz: Plus, in terms of attack strategy, Vader had far more to work with. He had a lightsaber and the Force, but Zurg only ever fought by shooting balls. With far less options for combat, he was bound to be overcome sooner or later.
Boomstick: I guess Zurg shouldn't have toyed around!
Wiz: The winner is LEGO Darth Vader.