Dark Purveyors Battle Royale

Dark Purveyors Battle Royale
Season 1, Episode 13
Vital statistics
Air date	June 14, 2015
Written by	Venage237
Directed by	Venage237
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The Dark Purveyors Battle Royale is a What-If Death Battle created by Venage237. This fan made Death Battle features the members of the Dark Purveyors; Zed, Vikke, Mariska, Josey, and Lewis Legend, from the video game: Lollipop Chainsaw, which is owned by the gaming company; Suda 51.

Description

The idea of Zombie Apocalypse is getting really old. Zombies are 9 times out of 10 generic and uninteresting. But this is where the 1 out of 10 comes; The Dark Purveyors. These five zombies have so much personality, and character. And today, these five zombies are going to battle each other to see who is the superior Dark Purveyor.

Interlude

Boomstick: You know Wiz, as much as I love zombies, and zombie apocalyptic games, I'm not afraid to admit that they are getting a bit old.

Wiz: Then you've clearly never played Lollipop Chainsaw.

Boomstick: Lollipop Chainsaw? That sounds like a stupid game.

Wiz: That's because it is. But it's stupid in a good way. The game stars a cheerleader with a chainsaw, killing zombies, and saving her school from the villains in this game; the Dark Purveyors, who are also zombies.

Boomstick: Oh! We should totally do a Death Battle, Battle Royale against these Dark Purveyors!

Wiz: I couldn't agree more Boomstick.

Boomstick: So for this Battle Royale we've got Zed, the Punk Rock Zombie.

Wiz: Vikke, The Viking Metal Zombie, along with Yumil, his pet bearskin.

Boomstick: Mariska, the Psychedelic Zombie.

Wiz: Josey, the Funk Zombie.

Boomstick: And Lewis Legend, the Rock N' Roll Zombie.

Wiz: I'm Wizard, and he's Boomstick....

Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who will win a Death Battle.

Zed

Wiz: In the world of Lollipop Chainsaw, Earth is in the crosshairs between the Land Beyond Worlds...

Boomstick: Also known as Heaven.

Wiz: And Rotten World. Rotten World is where the Undead live. But through some dark arts...

Boomstick: And Explosions!

Wiz: The Gateways between Rotten World and Earth were opened, releasing a zombie outbreak throughout San Romero High School.

Boomstick: To make matters worst, the high school outcast; named Swan, summoned five zombie generals to help him destroy the very world that ridiculed and rejected him. And one of the them was the Punk Rock Zombie; Zed!

Zed: Let's Play. PISS OFF!!

Boomstick: And no, we are no making this shit up. There is indeed a zombie affiliated with punk rock.

Wiz: In fact, all of the Dark Purveyors have some kinda of music theme, but we'll get to the other members soon after.

Boomstick: Zed is a powerful Dark Purveyor. And being a zombie, naturally he should be slow as molasses.

Wiz: Actually, Zed is incredibly fast. In fact, he's the fastest member of the Dark Purveyors.

Boomstick: Say what now?

Wiz: It's true Boomstick. Zed possesses superhuman speeds. BUUUUTTT, He can only run at short bursts, much like a cheetah. And he seems to only be able to perform zigzag patterns when he's running.

Boomstick: Zed also has the filthiest mouth, as nearly every sentence he states ends up having a curse word. And you know that stupid old saying of; "Stick and Stones my break my bone, but word will never hurt you"? Yeah well Zed is the ultimate "fuck-you-middle-finger" to that saying, as he can literally create word constructs and you them as projectiles.

Cuts to a scene where Zed using his Death Wail on Juliet Starling.

Zed: VANILLA SLUT!

Wiz: He can also use his mohawk to generate an energy disc, which he uses as a projectile as well.

Boomstick: And those aren't even his weirdest ability. No, no, no..., His weirdest ability is that he can summon large speakers. This speakers do absolutely nothing to increase his Death Wail, but he does use them to give him extra height.

Wiz: And that's not including his main weapon. Every Dark Purveyor processes a musical instrument as a weapon. In Zed's case, his weapon of choice is a microphone.

Boomstick: Zed's microphone can be uses to amplify his Death Wail. It also has spikes on the top, and a claw located on the bottom.

Wiz: And if the claw gets cut off, he can easily replace it with..., and try not to get your mind blown Boomstick...... A Lightsaber.

Boomstick: WHA! A Lightsaber? Give me, give me, give me, give me, give me, give me, give me!

Wiz: Not to mention, Zed is also a sadomasochist, as pain doesn't seem to bother him. To the point where it apparently pleasures him.

Cuts to a scene after Juliet nearly cut Zed in half, and Zed putting himself back together.

Zed: You think that hurts me?! I just jizzed a little!

Boomstick: This guy seems a bit too much. And that's coming from me!

Wiz: Well this game was made by Suda 51.

Boomstick: Oh, That explains it...

Wiz: Zed is a deadly zombie. He managed to hold his own against Juliet in a three phase fight, is stronger enough to send Juliet flying to the Moss Pit with literally two words, and his wails are strong enough to toss cars around with, yet again, his screams.

Boomstick: But Zed is not without his flaws. For one, he's very arrogant, as he thinks, that because Juliet dresses up as a quote, unquote: "Slut", which ultimately resulted in his demise by the hands of Juliet.

Wiz: And remember that we said that Zed is a sadomasochist? Well, while he does enjoy the pain inflicted on himself, his masochistic nature can only go so far. When he nearly got cleaved in two around the stomach region by Juliet's chainsaw, Zed actually acknowledged that it hurt a little. And then started wailing in pain before he died.

Boomstick: Enough about Zed. He's ready to crush some heads!

Zed: Welcome to the MOSH PIT, you zombie-hunting sleaze!

Vikke

Wiz: As we've already mentioned, the Dark Purveyors are zombies, with some music theme. And for Viking Metal, we have Vikke.

Vikke: Lots of tasty treats for you 'ere, eh, Yumil?

Wiz: Oh, and his pet bear skin Yumil.

Boomstick: Holy Shit! Look at the size of this guy!

Wiz: And would you believe that Vikke is only 18 years old?

Boomstick: Say what now?

Wiz: It's true. In fact all the Dark Purveyors are 18 years old, it just so happen that he's the largest of the five.

Boomstick: Being the biggest, naturally Vikke is the strongest by strength. He possesses superhuman strength and endurance.

Wiz: He can also generate lightning in various means. Some examples include using his drums on top of his flying Viking ship, and the other is by using his other weapon; an axe. But the funny thing about Vikke is that he has the least interesting abilities out of all the Dark Purveyors.

Boomstick: Oh so does that mean that we're going to move on the other Dark Purveyors?

Wiz: Well, not quite. See, his abilities get a bit more interesting as the boss battle progresses. When he gets cut in half, Vikke's upper half can levitate, while his lower half can move on their own. Through this, Vikke is capable of fighting in two areas.

Boomstick: So he, much like Zed, is a bit of a masochist?

Wiz: That's correct Boomstick. But not to mention, when Vikke gets his head cut off, things gets even more interesting....

Boomstick: And how is that?

Wiz: Vikke's head, somehow, grows larger, to which he processes by eating the rest of his body.

Boomstick: That's both weird and disgusting.

Wiz: It's about to get even weirder. When Vikke is nothing but a head, his hair changes into razor sharp needles, and he tires to ram himself at his opponent. He can even levitate and generate a powerful electrical blast from his mouth.

Boomstick: And you are NOT making this up right?

Wiz: Sadly no, everything I said, is what Vikke can do.

Boomstick: Wait! Didn't you also mention Vikke having a living bear skin as a pet?

Wiz: Ye-ah, I did. But the problem is that Vikke's pet bear skin, which is named Yumil, rarely does anything to contribute with Vikke. He doesn't try to bite Juliet's head off, swipe her with his claw, anything to provide any kind of use.......

Boomstick: Well, that sucks!

Actually, wait a minute, I somewhat take it back. there is ONE thing that Yumil does, and that after Vikke's demise. Seconds before Vikke was killed by Juliet, in a last ditch effort to kill her, Vikke shoots Yumil's head out of his mouth, only to have Juliet easily block the attack with a simple kick.

Boomstick: What was the point of having a living bearskin if Vikke barely uses him?

Wiz: Beat the shit out of me..

Boomstick: Vikke is a powerful zombie. He's tough enough to take on Juliet, and he's the strongest by strength.

Wiz: But out of all the Dark Purveyors, Vikke is easily the dumbest of the five, as it takes him a few seconds realizing that Juliet flipped over him. Not to mention he's incredibly boastful, a bit of a loudmouth and has a god complex, thinking himself as a Metal God.

Boomstick: Yeah, I'm not going to lie, Vikke is definitely the most uninteresting of the Dark Purveyors so far.

Vikke: I'm gonna use her face to make a hat and use her spine as a backscratcher!

Mariska

Wiz: Mariska is the Psychedelic Zombie, as well as being the only female member of the Dark Purveyors.

Boomstick: And she's the main reason why I hate hippies.

Wiz: Out of all the Dark purveyors, Mariska is the least violent, and the least active. In fact she always keeps her distance when she's confronting Juliet.

Boomstick: But despite inability to get up close and personal when she fighting Mariska makes it with a large number of abilities. With her Signature ability being illusions.

Wiz: That's right Boomstick. Mariska has the powers of illusions, and she uses her illusions to her advantage. Mariska can also teleport, generate psychic bubbles to imprison her foes...

Nostalgia Critic: Fucking bubbles!

Wiz: Uh, thanks Nostalgia Critic.... Anyway, other abilities include telekinesis, but her most interesting ability is replication.

Boomstick: By ripping herself in half vertically, Mariska can then heal herself and create an exact replica of herself. And the more replicas he has, the more illusions and abilities she can perform all at once. But the only downside side that it can stain her body, as she can only replicate herself so many times. And though it's never really confirmed, it's possible that the maximum amount of Mariskas that can be scene at once is eight, which also includes the original Mariska.

Wiz: Not to mention, the Mariska Replicas seem to be significantly weaker than the original counterpart. And yet, we're still not done with Mariska's abilities.

Boomstick: Mariska can also summon tractors out of thin air, and have of one her replicas ride the vehicle. Though sadly, it does little damaged if it hits, and it can be destroyed with one shot.

Wiz: She can also summon a large hand to follow and attack her opponent, but again, much like the tractor, the hand can be destroy with one shot. Summon prisim-colored butterflies to drain the health of anyone they come in contacted with, and debatably the weirdest thing she can summon; A Mecha-Chicken-zilla.

Boomstick: Say what?

Wiz: A Mecha-Chicken-zilla.

Boomstick: What the hell is a Mecha-Chicken-zilla?

Wiz: Basically, it a chicken head attached to a thin mechanical support. It's basically used to peck at Juliet.

Boomstick: I would say that that was weird, but this is Suda 51. The same company that made a gun that's also a big boner.

Cuts to Shadows of the Damned.

Johnson: Oh, My God! Oh, My God! Oh, My God! Oh, My God! Oh, My God! Oh, My God! So Big, So Big! So BIIIIGGG!!!

Johnson turns into the Big Boner.

Garcia Hotspur: Ha, Ha! Now that is a Big Boner.

Wiz: But again, the Mecha-Chicken-zilla can be destroyed with a single shot.

Boomstick: Aw, Dammnit!

Wiz: And that is probably Mariska's biggest weakness; While she may have a wide and versatile moveset, she's arguably the weakest of the Dark Purveyors in physical combat. And she lasted just as long as Zed and Vikke did. But to be fair, she did nearly break the mind of Juliet and her boyfriend Nick.

Boomstick: Not to mention, Mariska is the least aggressive out of all the Dark Purveyors. She always keeps her cool throughout the entire fight. Which sucks because it's also feels good to let out some aggression during a fight.

Wiz: But that won't mean that she won't at least try to fight the other members. In fact for all we know, her calm nature could result in her victory.

Boomstick: YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

Mariska: Let's travel to the land beyond the Doors of Perception. Step outside the boundaries of your mind, lose yourself in the eternal collective unconscious...and rot.

Josey

Wiz: Out of all the over-the-top members of the Dark Purveyors, not of them come even close to the personality of the Disco Zombie; Josey.

Josey: I'm Josey James, Bitch!

Boomstick: Josey is a member of the Dark Purveyors, and the only African-American of the group.

Wiz: And he has the most personality out of all the Dark Purveyors.

Boomstick: I have a question though; Is Josey suppose to be a pimp? I mean has the pimp boots, and the fur coat....

Wiz: I actually think that's what they going for Boomstick. Now can we get to his background?

Boomstick: Yes Wiz, let's do so.

Wiz: Before he was a zombie though, Josey was a simple man charged for murder. During a zombie apocalypse however, he managed to escape the police car and wound up in a small town. He eventually encountered a little girl that lost her parents during the zombie outbreak, and decided to take care of her, while at the same time dealing with zombies and psychos. But after he was bitten by a zombie, he was killed, and eventually reincarnated as a zombie who love to party and play with his keytar, and dance to disco.

Boomstick: Is that really his backstory?

Wiz doesn't reply

Boomstick: Yes? No? Maybe?

Wiz still doesn't answer.

Boomstick: Alright! Find then! Let's just move on!

Wiz: Very well Boomstick. Josey is a powerful zombie, and his main weapons of choices are, and you're not going to believe this Boomstick; a Keytar, and a UFO.

Boomstick: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Wiz: Told you wouldn't believe it Boomstick.

Boomstick: But, A Keytar and fucking UFOs?! That's..... that's just friggin' ridiculous!

Wiz: But the Keytar he possesses contain special properties.

Boomstick: Like what?

Wiz: Well, for one, Josey can shoot lasers out of his Keytar, and can use it as a bludgeon weapon. It's also uses to help him talk.

Boomstick: Say what now?

Wiz: Basically, whenever Josey speaks, his lips never move. Instead he presses the keys on the keytar, and words come out.

Boomstick: I thought you said that Josey's Keytar had "Special" properties.

Wiz: Well it does.... for him at least.

Boomstick: *sigh.... Fine. But wait! You did mention that Josey uses a UFO, right Wiz?

Wiz: Yes I did Boomstick. In fact, the UFO is Josey's secondary weapon. He can use his UFO to glide in the air, and using it to ram at his opponent.

Boomstick: Wow.... I thought that his UFO who have a bigger purpose than help him glide, and ram at his opponent.

Wiz: Josey can also distribute 8-bit bombs, and has two female zombies riding on his UFO, though don't seem to do anything, outside of just, being... there.

Boomstick: 8-Bit Bombs? You're serious?

Wiz: And lastly there's his second UFO.

Boomstick: Wait, wait, wait! Second UFO?

Wiz: It's true, Josey has a second UFO that's the size of a large building. While it doesn't have any weapons, it does contain an force field around the cockpit, that can only be destroyed by destroying five, conveniently placed tesla coils.

Boomstick: This guy is just begging to get himself killed isn't he?

Wiz: True, but Josey will distribute electricity at the coils, which will protect them of any physical damage. And as more of the tesla coils get destroyed, these weird energy beings that greatly resemble Josey's head appear and attack those on the UFO. And not to mention if Josey isn't killed within a certain time limit, then the UFO will make it into outer space, instantly killing those who aren't inside the cockpit.

Boomstick: Still, He's just asking to be killed.

Wiz: Yeah... I'm going to have to give you that. After all, Josey lasted the shortest out of the Dark Purveyors. While he did, somehow managed to kidnap Juliet's little sister Rosalind, he ended up getting killed by Juliet in a two phase boss battle.

Boomstick: And you also forgot to mention or his obvious weakspots, and his tendency to swear the least out of all the Dark Purveyors.

Wiz: Okay, I get the weakspots being a flaw, but how exactly is Swearing the least considered as a flaw?

Boomstick: I don't fucking know...

Josey: Woah, baby! Time to get the funk out!

Lewis Legend

Wiz: Talk about a Dark Purveyor who knows who to make an entrance.

Cuts to a scene where Lewis Legend enters the cathedral, on his motorcycle, firing bullets at Juliet, with fire spewing out of his motorcycle.

Boomstick: Holy shit! That was Awesome!

Wiz: Lewis Legend, also known as the Rock N' Roll Zombie, is the final member of the Dark Purveyors.

Boomstick: And he's the only member who has a last name.

Wiz: And as you might've guessed, Lewis' musical theme is Rock and Roll. With his weapon of choice being a guitar.

Boomstick: But this is no ordinary guitar. He can use his guitar, not only as a blunt object, but it also contains a FUCKING MACHINE GUN! He can fire his gun by shredding his guitar strings, which is FUCKING AWESOME!

Wiz: Not to mention, he can also shoot skulls out of his guitar as well.

Boomstick: (moans with pleasure)

Wiz: Wait a minute Boomstick, that's not the only weapon in his possession.

Boomstick: Yes! MORE!!!!

Wiz: Behold Lewis Legend's Motorcycle.

Boomstick: A Motorcycle? That thing looks fucking Sweet!

Wiz: Lewis' motorcycle is filled to the brim with weaponry. Not only can his motorcycle can spew out flames from it's tailpipe, it also can adapt and transform.

Boomstick: Wait, What!?

Wiz: It's true. When Lewis gets serious, he can morph his motorcycle into a giant elephant mech known as Ellyphant!

Lewis Legend: All right, chickie, keep up now. We gonna fly. You ready? Now let's go... to the depths of HELL!

Lewis Legend's Motorcycle morphing into the Ellyphant.

Boomstick: Again, HOLY SHIT! Ellyphant contains a vast amount of weaponry. It contains a large chain gun an extendable circular saw on it's right arm. Not to mention, it can fire missiles and drop mines.

Wiz: It also surprisingly fast, that rivals even that of Zed, and has a jet booster that allows it to jump in the air and cause a shockwave when it slams into the ground.

Boomstick: Give me! Give me, give me, give me!

Wiz: Wait Boomstick, we aren't even done with the abilities with Ellyphant.

Boomstick: There's more!?

Wiz: That's right. AS I mention before, Ellyphant is highly adaptive and can alter it form should excessive damage occur. If both of it's legs are destroyed, then two giant wheels appear and replace them. In this form Ellyphant expels large flames from the elephant skull head piece, as well as generate a small, but powerful jolt of electricity.

Boomstick: Okay, that's it! I'm going online so that I can purchase it!

Wiz: You're not going to let me finish the Ellyphant weaponry?

Boomstick: OH MY GOD! There's even more!?

Wiz: Yep! Should the elephant skull piece get destroyed, then a metallic ribcage surrounds Lewis, and now Ellyphant moves at rapid speed.

Boomstick: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Wiz: And while in this form, Lewis will use his guitar to shoot out explosives and mines.

Boomstick: And so as this Death Battle is over, I'm going to try to find that motorcycle. I want it!

Wiz: Lewis is a deadly zombie. His guitar is tough enough to take on Juliet's chainsaw, without it breaking, or being split open. He's also the most adaptive out of all the Dark Purveyors, and he last the longest out of all the Dark Purveyors.

Boomstick: But wait! Let me guess, there are some flaws with Lewis Legend?

Wiz: Well, yeah, but they are some minor flaws. For example, Lewis can show signs of an unhealthy obsession with his motorcycle.

Boomstick: But let's be honest, with a motorcycle that awesome, who wouldn't be obsessed with it?

Wiz: I guess you're right. But his motorcycle does have one flaw; If the Ellyphant is beginning used to much within a short period, it has the tendency to overheat, causing the motorcycle to stop in it's tracks for a few seconds, and leaving Lewis vulnerable.

Boomstick: Damn it! Well seeing how that motorcycle has a shitton of weaponry, I shouldn't be surprised that it would have a flaw like that. That still doesn't mean I don't want it though!

Lewis Legend: I've got a feeling when I start playing, you're just gonna DIE!

Death Battle

The five members of the Dark Purveyors arrive in a large open field.

Zed: It's time we settle who is the strongest Dark Purveyor, ya f*cking jackasses!

Vikke: These four look like a tasty treat for you, eh Yumil?

Yumil growls with pleasure

Mariska: Why must we fight? Why can we enter into a world of everlasting peace? And rot. And Hell?

Josey: You'll better get the funk out of here before things get really freaky.

Lewis Legend: Just shut up and fight!

Fight

Remaining: Zed, Vikke, Mariska, Josey, Lewis Legend

Zed starts the fight by dashing towards Vikke.

Both Josey and Lewis Legend get on their respective vehicles.

Mariska floats into the background.

Zed attacks Vikke.

Zed: Take that BITCH!

But Vikke manages to block Zed's attack with his axe.

Vikke then retaliates by swiping at Zed, but Zed dodges and zips behind Vikke.

Vikke: Where'd ya go yah Bastard!?

Zed jumps on top of Vikke.

Zed: On top of you, you fucking...

Zed performs a Death Wail into Vikke's ear

Zed: DUMBASSS!!!

Dazed by Zed's attack, Vikke went on a violent rampage, grabbing Zed in the progress.

He the processes by tossing the Punk Rock Zombie near Lewis and Josey.

While Zed and Vikke are fight each other, Lewis and Josey are confronting each other.

Josey processed to shoot laser at Lewis, but Lewis managed to dodge all of his attacks, due to his motorcycle.

Both Lewis and Josey processed to charge at each other.

While charging a Josey, Lewis is firing the machine gun on his guitar at Josey.

Josey blocks the bullets with his keytar.

With Josey distracted, Lewis processes to perform a wheelie, but just as he was about to hit Josey, Zed was tossed, by Vikke in between the charging Lewis and Josey.

Lewis' motorcycle runs over Zed, but in the progress, Lewis loses balance, crashes into Josey's UFO, and loses a wheel in the progress.

Zed: HEY! FUCK YOU LEWIS!

Zed then see Josey heading towards him.

Zed: Oh, Give me a fucking break.

Zed ends up getting run over and trampled by Josey's UFO and was sent flying behind Josey.

Vikke eventually regained his footing, and then shows up to attack Josey's UFO with his axe.

Vikke managed to send Josey and his UFO flying near Zed and Lewis Legend.

Vikke then joins all three of them and processed to attack them.

While all of these event were going on, Mariska was watching the four fight, waiting for a window of opportunity to attack.

Mariska: Heavy.... Can't we all just get along?

With Zed, Vikke, Josey, and Lewis distracted with each other, Mariska distributed bubbles to imprison them.

However, Zed, Josey, and Lewis managed to see the bubbles coming towards them, while Vikke was distracted with the other members.

Lewis gun down some of the bubbles.

Josey shot some lasers at some of the bubbles.

And Zed used the spikes on his microphone to pop the bubbles.

Vikke on the other hand got caught inside one of the bubbles and us suffocating.

As he's struggling to get out, a Mecha-Chicken-zilla appeared from behind Vikke, and attempted to peck the entrapped Vikke.

Vikke then used his axe to pop the bubble, but in the progress, got caught by Mariska's Mecha-Chicken-zilla.

With the window of opportunity, Zed leapt on the Mecha-Chicken-zilla, and charged towards Mariska.

Zed: Take that whore!

Just as Zed was about to stab Mariska with his microphone, Mariska quickly floated to the right, easily dodging Zed's attack.

But as soon as she did, Josey appeared at her side, and tossed an 8-bit bomb directly at her.

The Bombs went off and engulfed Mariska in a cloud of smoke.

Josey: Time for you to get the funk out Mariska.

Josey then processed by shooting lasers into the cloud.

Meanwhile, Vikke managed to break free from the Mecha-Chicken-zilla, and spots both Zed fall from his failed attempt to attack Mariska, and Lewis looking at his damaged motorcycle.

Vikke decided to go after the distracted Lewis.

As he was about to attack Lewis, Lewis retaliates, by firing his machinegun at Vikke.

Enraged, Vikke processed to electrocute the floor.

All except for Lewis managed to escape Vikke's electrical attack due to being airborne.

Injured, Lewis processes to climb on his damaged motorcycle.

Lewis: Alright Vikke, you've asked for this. We're about to fly. You ready. Now let's go to the DEPTH OF HELL!

Lewis' motorcycle transform into the Ellyphant.

A distorted cry of an elephant can be heard as the motorcycle transforms into the Ellyphant.

Lewis: Elephant ROCK! Now things are about to get serious.

Vikke: Ya' think that scares me Lewis?

Lewis: You should be.

Both Vikke and Lewis, in his Ellyphant charge at each other.

Meanwhile, Zed is still falling, but summons a large speaker to break his fall.

He searches to see who he should attack first, and see Josey near a cloud of smoke.

Zed Processes to toss an energy disc from his mohawk.

Zed: Take this douchebag!

The energy disc goes through the cloud of smoke, and Josey dodges the attack.

Josey: Ha, ha! You missed.

???: Hee, hee.... One Truth becomes two! Two Truths become FOUR!

All of a sudden four Mariskas emerge from the smoke cloud, as it was revealed that Zed's energy disc cleaved Mariska in half vertically. her two halves then regenerated creating two Mariskas. The two Mariskas then processed to rip themselves in half, as the four half regenerated, creating four whole Mariskas.

Zed: Oh what the fuck is going on!?

Josey: Funk me...

Two of the Mariskas attacked Zed, while the other two attacked Josey.

The Mariskas unleashed their bubbles at Zed and Josey, but Zed and Josey deflected them, with Josey using his lasers, and Zed performing his Death Wail.

Zed: PISS OFF!!!

Josey: You have to do better than that Motherfunker.

Mariska: Oh, this is heavy. I will not miss you when I kill you.

Mariska summons a tractor, and processes to ram at Zed's speaker. At the same time, Mariska summons another Mecha Chicken-zilla to attack Josey.

The Tractor successfully rammed into Zed's speaker, causing him to fall onto the tractor.

Zed: Aw, FUCK!

Zed spots two of Mariska's clones, and performs a Death Wail.

Zed: ggrrrrrr....... HIPPIE SLUT!

The Mariska clone was destroyed, and the tractor disappeared in the progress.

Meanwhile Josey was confronting the other two clone, and managed to destroy the Mecha Chicken-Zilla.

He then processed to fire lasers at the Mariskas.

While she was successful at dodging the lasers, the clone was not as successful, as it disappeared.

While one more laser, Josey managed to hit the real Mariska, which caused Mariska's psychic bubble to pop.

Mariska attempted to retreat doing a chant, hoping she could regain her bubble.

Before she could finished, Zed, with his super speed managed to reach Mariska, use his microphone as a blunt object, and processes to cleave her in half virtually with an energy disc.

Zed: YES! I finally killed this bitch!

However, Mariska's halves quickly regenerated creating two Mariskas.

Zed: What the...

The two Mariskas then split themselves in half. The halves of the two Mariska then regenerated creating four Mariska.

Zed: OH! You've got to be fucking kidding me!

The Four Mariskas then split, to which the halves of the four Mariskas regenerated, creating eight Mariskas.

The Eight Mariskas: Care to say that again?

Zed: Grrrrr... FUCK you Bitches! I can still take off of you on!

Zed charges at the eight Mariskas.

While that's going on, Josey watches Zed confronting Mariska prior to him confronting the eight Mariskas.

Josey: Zed's lost. Now let's see, where are the other two?

Josey searches until he see Vikke and Lewis confronting each other.

Josey: There you two are.

Vikke and Lewis are still determining who is the strongest.

While the two are clashing, Josey charges at the duo.

Vikke gets distracted, and with the window of opportunity, Lewis uses his buzzsaw to cleave Vikke in half.

He then grabs Vikke's upper half and tosses it at Josey.

Both Josey and Vikke struggle a bit, while Vikke's lower half is confronting Lewis.

Lewis easily outmatches Vikke's lower half, and Josey, through so willpower, managed to shoot a laser, decapitating Vikke in the processes.

Vikke head and body are seen falling to the ground, believed to be dead.

Lewis: I appreciate you assisting me Josey.... but unfortunately, I have to kill you now.

Josey: Let's settle this Lewis.

As the two charged at each other, Vikke's head enlarges.

Lewis and Josey interrupt their charge towards each other as they see the enlarged head of Vikke. As well as seeing him devouring the rest of his body.

Vikke: I am far from over!

The three charge at each other, while Vikke is about to generate an electrical blast from his mouth.

As the two are clashing, Zed is seen being tossed into Vikke's electrical blast.

While this is going on, Zed is confronting Mariska and her clones.

Zed performed many of his techniques to give him some form of an advantage. Zed kept dashing around to avoid all Mariska's summons, as well as easily destroying them with a single thrust of his microphone.

In the process, Zed managed to destroy five of the Mariskas, but left himself vulnerable for a giant hand of Mariska to grab him.

The giant hand successfully managed to grab him.

The remain Mariskas floated towards Zed.

Zed: I FUCKING refuse to be defeated by a whore like you!

Mariska 1: So you refuse to be killed by me?

Mariska 2: Hee, hee very well.

The Mariska sees Vikke's decapitated head performing an electrical blast.

Mariska 3: Then you can die by HIM!

Mariska then tossed Zed towards where Vikke, Lewis, and Josey are.

Zed: OHHHHHH FFUUUUUCCCKKKKK.......

As Vikke managed to unleash the electrical blast, Zed get caught in the crossfire, obliterating most of his body.

Zed: Oh, fuck! OH! I'm not done screamin' yet! OH, this really fuckin' hurts, man! OH!

Zed's body collapses to the ground, as he succumbs to his injuries, killing him.

KO!

Remaining: Vikke, Mariska, Josey, Lewis Legend

Vikke: What just happened!?

The three remaining Mariskas arrived.

Mariska 1: This one didn't want to die by our hands.

Mariska 2: So we decided to let respect his wish.

Mariska 3: But he never said he wanted to die by anyone else hands...

Mariskas: So we let him die by your hands.

Lewis: So, one down four to go.

Growing impatient, Vikke attacked Mariska by charging at her and ramming his spiked hair into her.

Mariska managed to dodged Vikke's attack, however Vikke managed to kill off her remain clones.

Mariska: Now that is heavy.

Vikke: I grow tired of this, let's settle this, so I can prove that I am the strongest Dark Purveyors.

Before he could continue his attack, Josey shot Vikke with a laser through his mouth, cleaving Vikke in half.

Vikke: Impossible! I am a warrior! I cannot be defeat by a pimp like you!

Josey: Am I the only one who got annoyed by him?

Vikke: Hee, Hee, Hee...

Before Vikke died, Yumil's head emerged from his mouth. Yumil was then shot out of Vikke's mouth and charged at Josey.

However, Josey easily managed to shoot down Yumil, before he could even reach Josey.

Vikke's cleaved, dead head is seen collapsing to the ground.

KO!

Remaining: Mariska, Josey, Lewis Legend.

Josey: It looks like that we are the only funky three.

Mariska: And I and going to be the last one standing.

Lewis: Not I have something to do with it!

Mariska summons a tractor to charge at Lewis.

While the tractor is charging a Lewis, Josey is charging at Mariska.

Josey uses his Keytar as a blunt object and successfully bashed Mariska at Mariska.

Lewis managed to grab the tractor, and processed to toss the tractor towards Mariska and Josey.

While the Tractor was successful at hitting both zombies, Josey was ineffective due to using the bottom of the UFO as a shield. Mariska on the other hand, was severally weaken due to her separating herself several times, and he fight with Zed.

Lewis: You're dead Mariska!

Mariska: Heavy.... Peace out.... Waaayyyyy out....

Lewis fire his minigun at Mariska, riddling her body with bullets, until she's nothing but a mangled corpse.

The Mangled corpse of Mariska collapses to the ground.

KO!

Remaining: Josey. Lewis Legend

Lewis: It just you and me, Josey..

Josey: I won't go down so easily Lewis.

Both Josey and Lewis charge at each other.

As the two are about to crash into each other, Lewis jumps on top of Josey's UFO, and uses his buzzsaw to cleave Josey in half.

After Josey is cleaved in half, his upper half levitate upwards toward his larger UFO.

Josey: Second stage. Initiate Funky, Funky...

Lewis: You aren't getting away that easily!

Lewis jumps inside the UFO before it takes off.

Lewis find himself on top of the UFO, as it flying to outer space.

Josey: Groovy, groovy. This is an announcement to all attendees. The game has reached the climax! Let the never-ending freakiness begin! Let's warp into space. Commencing countdown."

Lewis: Think this'll stop me?

Lewis tries to attack the cockpit of the UFO, but proved to be ineffective, as well as getting electrocuted in the progress.

Josey: Ha! You'll never get me. And you're running out of time.

Lewis notices the five tesla coils on the UFO, connected to the cockpit's energy shield.

Lewis then processes towards one of the tesla coils and attacked it.

He successfully managed to destroy the first one.

As soon as Lewis was heading towards the 2nd tesla coil, energy beings of Josey's head appeared, and blocked Lewis from reaching the coil.

Lewis charged right through the energy being, and in the progress, rammed into the second tesla coil.

Lewis: Two down, three to go...

Lewis ran towards the third tesla coil, and more energy beings appeared to block his progress.

The energy creatures attacked Lewis' Ellyphant.

Lewis: AHHH! Get off my Ellyphant!

As he's charging towards the third tesla coil, Lewis was also struggle into get the energy beings from destroying his ride.

As Lewis was struggling the get the energy beings off his Ellyphant, he, blindly, managed to hit, and destroy the third tesla coil with his buzzsaw.

Lewis eventually discovered that he destroyed the third tesla coil, and charged towards the fourth.

Running out of time, Lewis fire his minigun at the tesla coil, until it was destroyed.

With only fifteen second left before Josey's UFO reached the atmosphere, Lewis grabbed his guitar, and fired several missiles out of his guitar.

The missiles managed to destroy the last tesla coil, which causes the energy shield on the cockpit to deactivate.

Seven seconds left, and Lewis dashes towards Josey.

Josey: Funk me...

Three seconds left

With no time to waste, Lewis jumped up and thrust Ellyphant's buzzsaw directly into Josey's face, killing Josey, and ending the countdown with only 1 second to spare.

With enough power Lewis managed to also destroy the UFO, causing him to fall thousand of feet back to earth.

Fortunately, Lewis had a conveniently placed parachute to prevent his Ellyphant from getting destroyed.

Lewis: HA, HA! I LOVE MY RIDE!!! ELEPHANT ROCK!

KO!

• Zed, Vikke, Mariska, and Josey let out a chant in Latin before their bodies are dissolved by a light.
  • Zed, Vikke, Mariska, Josey: Meus Vita, Rege, pro nefario coepto!

• Lewis land on the ground safely as he notices beams of light appear where the fallen Dark Purveyors are.

Conclusion

Boomstick: Holy Shit, that was Intense.

Wiz: Indeed it was Boomstick. While the Dark Purveyors are powerful individual, each of the fallen had an attribute that led to their downfall. Zed may've been the fastest, but was also the most arrogant. Not to mention he's also is classified as the weakest of the five.

Boomstick: Vikke maybe the strongest, but his own arrogance, combine with his stupidity ultimately resulted in his demise as well.

Wiz: And while it is true that Mariska has the most variety with her abilities, her regenerating ability caused to much strain on her body, which ultimately weaken her. And while keeping her distance from the others was a plus, keeping her distance won't do much is she going up against an opponent who has a long ranged projectile.

Boomstick: See? I told you she wouldn't win!

Wiz: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were right Boomstick. Anyway, Josey was technologically advanced, but because he relied too much on his own technology, combine with the obvious weakspots, ultimately led to his demise.

Boomstick: But Lewis on the other hand was a well balance of all the Dark Purveyors, and even debatably surpassed them. While he was practically defenseless without that sweet motorcycle, that Motorcycle is what ultimately saved him.

Wiz: In the motorcycle's Ellyphant form, it was just as fast as Zed, and just as strong as Vikke. It possessed long ranged weaponry to reach Mariska, and while it wasn't technologically advanced than Josey's UFO, it didn't have obvious weakspots that would ultimately cripple it. There's a reason why Lewis is classified as a strongest Dark Purveyor, and well as having the last name; Legend.

Boomstick: Looks like this Death Battle will go off into Legend.

Wiz: The Winner is Lewis Legend.

Next Time

Everything will BURN as two pyromaniacs will battle each to the Death. But which will live to burn another day? The Cobra Unit Member? Or the Maniac of Mystery?

Venage237's Fanon Death Battles