<tabber> JennTeamMagma=
| Dan vs Paul
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|---|---|
| Season 1, Episode 1 | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | June 4, 2016 |
| Written by | JennTeamMagma |
| Directed by | |
Episode guide
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| Previous | Next |
| None | Masked Man VS Captain Falcon |
Dan vs. Paul Blart is a What If? Death Battle written by JennTeamMagma.
(EDIT: the infobox has been fixed thanks to DENSTIFY1)
Description[]
Mall Cop vs. Street Fighter! Which idiotic buttmonkey will win!
Beginning[]
Wiz: Heroes and protectors, those who seek justice. Such legendary and honorable people are remembered for generations.
Boomstick: And then there's Dan Hibiki, the worst justice-seeker of all time.
Wiz: And Paul Blart, the hero often regarded as a pathetic joke.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and i'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to see who would win... a Death Battle.
Paul Blart[]
Wiz: Paul Blart is a mall cop who keeps his mall safe from anyone who dares mess with it.
Boomstick: Really? He looks like he's had one too many Big Macs or something.
Wiz: ...Possibly. Anyway, Paul Blart nearly joined the Police Force, but was kicked out due to his obesity. However, he was given another option.
Boomstick: The Mall Cop.
Wiz: Indeed, Paul took the Mall Cop route and became... a Mall Cop. He takes his job very seriously, unlike his peers. He also has his signature Segway, which he uses to ride around the Mall with.
Boomstick: Holy shit, the guy needs a Segway to travel long distances? How the hell is he even employed?
Wiz: I'll tell you why. On Black Friday, his mall was under attack by multiple criminals. Using cunning wits, sheer determination, and brute force, he drove them all out of the mall and saved the day.
Boomstick: Hell, if he could do that, I wonder what I could do... I should sign up to be a cop! Then i'll be able to carry my shotgun in public!
Wiz: Erm, that's not how it works. Moving on to his weapons. He has a standard taser, which can stun people and fire up to 10,000 volts of electricity. He also has a glue gun, however it is unstable and can backfire, and he also has a marble gun, however it only shoots once. Paul also carries around Tabasco Sauce, which he sprays in people's eyes.
Boomstick: The guy carries two guns, yet none of them shoot real bullets?! The hell, Blart? Step up your game!
Wiz: Don't worry Boomstick, our analysis isn't done yet. Paul is quite durable for the average human, as he was once kicked by a horse, which usually breaks some bones of an average person, but he walked away just fine. And he took little damage from falling down from a roof into a ball pit. Also, he's decently strong, as he is able to knock people out with a single headbutt, although he is stunned for a moment afterwards.
Boomstick: Eh, I guess that kinda makes up for it. But then again, he is pretty damn stupid. He's clumsy and often ends up in awkward situations, and he suffers from hypogly.. hypergla.. hipy...
Wiz: Hypoglycemia. What this means is that he often has to intake sugar, otherwise he will pass out. However, he is often able to find something that'll help him get back to his normal self.
Boomstick: Wow, so he has actually has an excuse to eat sweets constantly, unlike my ex-wife. Ha ha!
Wiz: However, in the end, Paul will do whatever it takes to keep his mall safe and enforce the law.
Boomstick: The Mall Law... man, that sounds stupid.
Dan Hibiki[]
Wiz: Street Fighter, one of the most famous and classic fighting games of all time.
Boomstick: However, this guy is "famous and classic" for... "different" reasons.
Wiz: Indeed, Dan Hibiki is a complete joke.
Boomstick: Just like my ex-wife!
Wiz: Dan's father, Go Hibiki, is a master at martial arts, even having his own dojo.
Boomstick: But all of that changed when Shadaloo attacked!
Wiz: ...Right. Go Hibiki stood up to Sagat, the Shadaloo member who visited him, and...
Boomstick: Kicked his fucking eye out! How do you even do that, did he crush it in the socket or something...?
Wiz: That's a question best asked to Google. Anyway, back to Dan. He has barely any, if it all any fighting skill, however he does have a few tricks up his sleeve.
Boomstick: If by that you mean just copying other's moves and making them shit, then I suppose that counts as a "trick."
Wiz: Yeah, basically. Anyway, Dan has his signature Gadouken, which is a pathetic attack similar to the Hadouken, except it's green, small, and dies out almost instantly. However, his Shinku Gadouken lasts a tiny bit longer.
Boomstick: He can also use the Dankukyaku, which he... named after himself. Naturally, it's fucking shit.
Wiz: And he has the Koryuken, which is arguably one of his better moves, but it's still just a budget Shoryuken.
Boomstick: Of course. However, he did manage to track down Sagat and challenge him. Naturally, the result was... Wait, what the hell?
Wiz: Indeed, Dan did manage to beat Sagat, however he threw the match in pity. Dan, being unaware of this, believed himself to be one of the best fighters in the world and opened his own dojo.
Boomstick: Uuugh. One Dan Hibiki is enough.
Wiz: Don't worry, Boomstick. Barely anyone signed up, since Dan didn't pay his phone bill and he forgot to include an address in his dojo's ads.
Boomstick: Classic Dan.
Wiz: While making fun of Dan is... well, fun, he does have some noteworthy feats. He defeated a group of thugs, and managed to survive a beating from both Ryu and Ken at the same time. Also, he can tap into the Satsui No Hado to use the Raging Demon... but he failed to use it because he tripped on a school bag. However, when all else fails, he has one final trick to use.
Boomstick: Taunting so much the opponent just... gives up.
Wiz: Indeed, Dan excessively taunts during matches. While this does help him be able to use his super moves earlier, they're still practically useless. However, he does have one taunt that might be useful...?
Boomstick: The legendary Super Taunt. This taunt is so... taunty, that the opponent can't help but gaze in wonder.
Wiz: He also can perform the... Premium Sign, where he autographs a portrait of himself and flings it at the opponent.
Boomstick: What. The. Fuck.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!
Death Battle[]
It was a regular day in West Orange Mall. Shoppers were shopping, kids were... being brats, of course, and Paul Blart was patrolling the mall on his Segway.
Paul: "Wait a minute... who is that?" Paul questioned as he saw a man in a pink suit walking around... without any shoes. Paul quickly sped over to the man.
Paul: "Excuse me, sir, i'll have to ask you to leave, as you must have shoes on in order to be in the mall." Paul said.
Dan: "Shoes? Hah! I'll just beat you into submission and take your shoes!" Dan replied.
Paul: "I see how it is. Crooks like you never get away from me!" Paul shouted heroically.
FIGHT!
(Cue https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQCZfa_sdyE)
Paul floored it on his Segway, crashing into Dan and sending the two toppling over. Dan quickly rolled over, got up, and grabbed the Segway, throwing it far away from Paul. He then rushed over to Paul and attempted to pick him up, but he was too heavy for Dan to lift.
Paul: "What a barbaric fighting style! I'll show you the Mall Law!" Paul cried. He tackled Dan and took out his hot sauce, pouring it all over Dan's face, as well as getting it into his eyes.
Dan: "Oh my God! It burns!" Dan cried frantically. Paul then repeatedly punched him in the face over and over, then got up and kicked him, sending Dan sliding back. Dan got up and wiped the sauce off of him.
Dan: "Don't underestimate me!" Dan taunted. His super meter was then fully filled up.
Dan: "Shinkuuuuuuuuuuu..." Dan said fiercely as he prepared a Shinku Gadouken.
Paul: "What? A magician...?" Paul said, confused. He then walked over to Dan and watched in amazement.
Dan: ".,.Uuuuuuuuuuuuuu...." Dan continued on, still charging his Shinku Gadouken.
Paul: "Uh... how long does it take to charge your trick?" Paul asked.
Dan: "...Uuuuuuuu... Gadouken!" Dan finished. The Shinku Gadouken weakly floated over to Paul and hit him, barely harming him.
Paul: "Hey, that tickled! Neat trick, but i'm still going to have to arrest you!" Paul said. He tried to take out his taser to stun Dan, but Dan got in close and used his Dankukyaku, which hit Paul head on in the face, knocking him over. Dan landed perfectly behind Paul. As Paul got up, Dan went to Paul and used his Koryuken, but due to Paul's bulk, it barely fazed him. Paul then grabbed Dan and headbutted him fiercely, sending Dan crashing down to the floor and leaving Paul stunned.
Paul: "...Ugh... Nobody wins with a headbutt." Paul said.
Dan then got up and used this opportunity to use his Dankukyaku again, this time aiming for Paul's legs. It worked, and Paul crashed down with Dan on top of him.
Dan: "Here, you can have a freebie!" Dan said. He then used his Premium Sign, autographing a portrait of himself and sticking it on Paul's face, hoping to flatter him into submission. However, this just made Paul angrier.
Paul: "First you break the rules, then you taunt me?! Get out of my mall!" Paul yelled angrily. He then grabbed Dan and tossed him away, then got out his Taser and stunned Dan. Paul ran over and jumped on top of him, using the full force of his weight to crush Dan stomach-first.
Paul: Ha ha! Yes! I did it!" Paul cheered. However, he suddenly started to feel a burning sensation on his chest. "Ow! What is this?" Paul said. He then hopped off of Dan. He then saw that Dan had used a Gadouken to try to burn Paul and get him off of him.
Dan: "Yes! My strategy worked! I, Dan, am clearly superior to you, Mall Cop!" Dan shouted.
Paul: "It's not over yet!" Paul yelled.
Paul then took out his Marble Gun and shot marbles on the floor. Dan ran at Paul and tried to avoid the marbles, but they were too much for him and he tripped and fell. Paul took this time to use his Glue Gun and fire at Dan's feet, making him unable to move.
Paul: "Law-breaker, you are under... arr... oh no." Paul mumbled. He felt like he was about to pass out due to his Hypoglycemia.
Dan: "I can't believe it! My awesomeness is manifesting into the real world and slowly killing you!" Dan shouted.
Paul frantically looked around untill he saw just what he needed: a candy store. Slowly, Paul walked over to the store, during which Dan tried to free himself from the glue. As Paul continued on, Dan became closer to freedom. Just as Paul got into the store, Dan broke free.
Dan: "Mall Cop, prepare yourself for a beating!" Dan shouted. He ran at Paul.
Paul stumbled around untill he barely managed to grab a chocolate bar off the shelf, quickly unwrapping it and stuffing it into his mouth. He swallowed and started to regain his energy. By the time Dan reached the store, Paul was ready to go.
Paul: "Let's finish this!" Paul shouted.
Paul then took out his Taser and stunned Dan, then ran as fast as he could over to him and tackled him, then punched him extremely hard in the face, giving Dan fatigue. Paul then started beating Dan senseless, then kicked him away.
Paul: "You are finished!" Paul said triumphantly.
However, Dan got up, glowing with a blood-red aura and with red-colored eyes.
Dan: "FOR MY FATHERRRRR!" Dan screamed. He then rushed at Paul. However, Paul hastily knocked down a small shelf of candy, which Dan crashed into.
Dan: "Urgh... Oh, man..." Dan weakly said.
Paul then walked over to Dan, grabbed him, and threw him down, then walked back and charged at Dan, jumping and landing right on Dan's face, crushing his skull.
Paul: "No one messes with me in my mall!" Paul said heroically.
KO!
Conclusion[]
Boomstick: Damn! That's police brutality, folks!
Wiz: While Dan may have been able to take a beating from Ryu and Ken and fight of a group of thugs similar to what Paul faced, Paul has a greater arsenal of weapons, as well as similar durability.
Boomstick: Also, while Dan may have been briefly trained by Gouken, Paul had much more training while trying to get into the Police Force.
Wiz: Also, Paul is smarter than Dan, as he had to track down each individual thug in his mall, which Dan couldn't do to save his life. Plus, he also had to be smart enough to even become a cop in the first place, and i'm pretty sure it's obvious Dan lacks the smarts to be a cop. Also, due to Paul's... "bulk," he could take Dan's weaker attacks with ease.
Boomstick: However, Dan did possess the Raging Demon, which could easily kill Paul. But, since this is Dan, he's obviously going to fuck it up terribly no matter what.
Wiz: Naturally. While Dan can easily spring back into action almost no matter what, he can only take so much. Considering his bulk, as well as his headbutts, Paul could overpower Dan if given the chance.
Boomstick: Looks like Dan got Mall'd.
Wiz: Mall'd?
Boomstick: Yeah, you know... mall'd... mauled.
Wiz: Oh. The winner is Paul Blart.
|-|Hipper=
| Dan Hibiki vs Paul Blart
| |
|---|---|
| Season 1, Episode 1 | |
Vital statistics
| |
| Air date | Original Air Date:
August 24, 2019 Re-Air/Adopted Date: August 24, 2019 |
| Written by | Hipper |
| Directed by | Hipper |
Episode guide
| |
| Previous | Next |
| None | Bane VS Captain America |
Dan Hibiki vs Paul Blart is a Death Battle by Hipper.
Description[]
Street Fighter vs Paul Blart: Mall Cop! Two of the most pathetic characters of all fiction duke it out! Who'll win this laughable brawl?
Intro[]
Wiz: There's plenty of strong and powerful fighters across the fictional multiverse. Ranging from super powered plumbers to sun powered superheroes, it's no wonder they're able to perform such vast feats for our show here.
Boomstick: And then there's these two. Not everybody can be extremely strong, and these two have that exact same problem. In short, they both are fucking awful!
Wiz: Dan Hibiki, the world's worst Street Fighter.
Boomstick: And Paul Blart, the world's worst Mall Cop. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to anaylze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle?
Dan[]
Wiz: Long ago, there was a fighter known as Go Hibiki, who was actually quite a good fighter. However, one day, he got visited by local Muay Thai champion Sagat.
Boomstick: And in short, it didn't end well! Although Go managed to knock out one of Sagat's eyes...which is pretty nasty, Sagat got revenge and outright killed him instead! Damn, this is messed up already.
Wiz: Dan swore revenge on Sagat, going over to Gouken's dojo to seek training. However, only after just very little training, Gouken removed Dan from his dojo, claiming he refused to train someone only motivated by revenge.
Boomstick: Dan then proceeded to get the shit kicked out of him by Ryu and Ken too! After being humiliated, he tried starting up his own fighting style called "Saikyo Arts." He even managed to bring in a pupil too! A hot one, may I add!
Wiz: Well, not exactly. They're close, yes, but they kind of use each other too. Dan uses her to promote himself while Sakura uses him to get information on Ryu's whereabouts. It's pretty weird stuff.
Boomstick: Oh....dang. Well, moving on, Dan has a plethora of awful attacks that are basically just Chinese bootleg version of Ryu and Ken's attacks! He can shoot the Gadoken, which is a weak fireball that has no range whatsoever! The Shinku Gadouken is slightly better, and the Haoh Gadoken is decent...but it hurts him too. Of fucking course.
Wiz: The Koryuken is an uppercut attack similar to Shoryuken, while the Koryu Rekka lets him two of these at once.
Boomstick: And the Dankukyaku, which is just a bad version of the Tatsum-I'm not even gonna try to pronouce that.
Wiz: However, there is one thing interesting to note about Dan: He can use the Satsui No Hado. However....since this is Dan, he isn't good with it...at all. He only used it once, and he lost it immediately by tripping on a school backpack.
Boomstick: Despite being this weak, Dan has some feats to his name. He did defeat Sagat...but this was because Sagat let him win just to get him off his back. He also managed to defeat a group of thugs and has quite the durability too! Being the punching bag of the universe, he's taken beatings from all sorts of fighters and somehow is still alive!
Wiz: However, he can only take so much, and how much he can take is inconsistent. He was once brutally injured by having a basketball dribbled on his face for too long. Speaking of weaknesses, Dan has too many to list. He's arrogant, he taunts frequently, and he's just...ugh...he just sucks overall.
Dan: I hope you're ready for a beating!
Paul[]
Boomstick: Are we seriously going over this guy? I never thought I'd see the day where Kevin James of all people enters our show!
Wiz: It's exactly what you think it is, Boomstick. Paul Blart was just an ordinary man who had family issues back at his home. Trying to help his family out, he entered into the police academy to become a police man. However, due to his obesity, he was rejected and forced to take option #2.
Boomstick: Mall Cop....
Wiz: Being the Mall Cop he is, Paul Blart's main way of getting around the mall is through his police segway. The segway can go up to 12.5 miles per hour, allowing him to maneuver around the area much faster than someone his weight could usually run.
Boomstick: His taser, another thing a copy usually carries around, acts exactly how you think it'd work! Once he touches you with it, you get electrocuted with the force of 10,000 volts! The shock only stuns his enemy for about 5 seconds, though. Don't Taze Me-Wait, that joke's dead.
Wiz: Good save. Moving on, Paul Blart also has the Glue Shooter, which sticks onto the opponent and makes it hard for them to escape. His Marble Shooter lets him shoot marbles at his opponent, which really doesn't sound like it'd hurt, but god dang is it good for tripping.
Boomstick: The Devil's Crotch hot sauce is basically hot sauce! However, instead of using that hot sauce on a burger or something, imagine if it was squirted onto your face. Yeah, it sounds painful. His last weapon up his sleeve is a Hockey Stick, which is exactly how you think it works.
Wiz: Paul Blart has a surprising number of feats.He has survived being kicked dead on by a horse, survived being hit by a car without much injuries, defeated multiple criminal thugs at once and has even evaded gunfire. Yes, he has dodged bullets before.
Boomstick: How the hell?
Wiz: Don't worry, he has weaknesses too. Paul Blart isn't the smartest, and he has low blood sugar problems. This means that he must eat something sweet every once in a while or else he'll die.
Boomstick: Don't forget how painfully mediocre his movies were! My god, this guy better not win this!
Wiz: You'll just have to wait and see, Boomstick.
Paul Blart: Always bet on Blart.
Pre-Fight[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: Ugh...it's time for a Death Battle.
Fight[]
One day, inside West Orange Mall, a man in a pink gi was seen walking around along with a schoolgirl friend of his. This was Dan and his pupil Sakura, who were seen trying to get something. However, while they were searching around, a certain mall cop pulled up to them, parking his segway nearby.
Paul: Excuse me, sir, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Dan: What? What for? I didn't even do anything, dude!
Paul: I know, but it's company policy that all customers must wear shoes. Once you get a pair of shoes, you can come back inside.
Dan: I'm not leaving already, fool! You can't tell me what to do!
Sakura: Hibiki-san, he's a cop. You really should just listen to what he says. Here, you wanna borrow my shoes?
Dan: No way, kiddo! I'm not letting this fatso push me around! It's time I teach you some manners!
Paul: Sir, we don't need to do th-
Dan shoots a Gadoken at Paul Blart, causing him to jump back in shock. Sakura sighs, before running off as the two prepare to get into fighting stances.
FIGHT!
Dan begins the battle by throwing a punch at Paul Blart, aiming for his head. However, the Mall Cop acted fast, dodging the attack and counter attacking with a punch of his own, hitting Dan in the chest and knocking him into a shelf. Paul Blart runs towards Dan, attempting to tackle him down. Dan attempts to perform a Koryuken, but he performs it too early, causing him to get rammed by Paul and sending the two tumbling down into the food court.
Dan: Ow! You're pretty good for a fat guy, I'll admit! But nothing's stronger than the Saikyo Arts! Take this!
Dan performs the Dankukyaku, kicking in the air towards Paul. However, he overshoots it by a margin, causing him to crash into a table and hurt his leg. Taking the opportunity, Paul Blart grabs a chair and runs up to Dan, swinging it at him. Dan, somehow, manages to duck under the various swings, before taunting him.
Dan: Hah! You missed, loser! I'm standing right he-OW!
Paul Blart hits him right in the legs, causing him to jump around in pain as his legs were hurt. Paul Blart then pulled out his taser and proceeded to electrocute Dan, causing bolts of electricity to shoot everywhere.
Dan: DOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWO!
Paul Blart then kicks Dan into the water fountain, before pulling out a pair of handcuffs.
Paul Blart: That's enough of that, sir. You're under arrest for assaulting an officer. Just come quietly and we don't need to make any more hassle.
He prepares to handcuff Dan's arms, only to be met with a surprise Koryuken to the chin, this time actually hitting him. Paul Blart was launched upstairs, crashing near his segway. As Dan runs up the escalator to continue the battle, Paul Blart quickly boards his segway and begins to circle around Dan, attempting to confuse him.
Dan: What're you doing, some kind of act? No matter! I'll still beat you!
Dan starts shooting Gadokens at Paul Blart, who avoids them simply by continuing his way around. Eventually, he rams his segway into Dan from behind, sending Dan sliding into the floor with a nasty cracking sound from his back. However, despite the pain he was in, Dan...still kept going, getting up once more and charging up his energy a bit.
Paul: I'm warning you, mister! Stay down or else!
He continues driving towards Dan, going for another charge attack. Just when he had reached him, Dan fired the Haoh Gadoken, hitting Paul and destroying his segway. However, Dan tumbles back in recoil as well, causing him to hit a shelf. Candy bars fall upon Dan, but he ignores these and looks around for where his opponent is.
Dan: Where are you, punk?
Paul: Right here.
Dan: Huh?
Paul Blart had somehow snuck up behind Dan, tackling him to the ground. As he attempted to handcuff him once more, Dan used the opportunity to get back up and hit Paul with a punch to the face, sending him stumbling back. Dan goes for a kick, but Paul headbutts him to counter, sending Dan away. Paul holds his head in pain for a second.
Paul: Ugh...nobody ever wins with a headbutt...
As Dan got back to his senses, he suddenly became overcome with the Satsui No Hado. He started glowing red and black; Paul Blart just stared in awe at what Dan was doing. Eventually, Dan began to glide towards Paul.
Dan: THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, FATTY! FOR MY FATHER!!!
Dan glides right towards Paul, attempting to hit him with the Raging Demon. Thinking fast, Paul Blart pulls out his marble shooter and shoots marbles on the ground, which....trip Dan and make him flop right on the ground, losing his power.
Dan: Aw crap.....
Paul Blart grabs Dan by the neck, before slamming him against the wall.
Paul: Get. Out. Of. My. Mall.
Paul Blart then begins to punch Dan multiple times in the face, before throwing him into the ground. He then jumps off a table nearby, and cannonballs on top of Dan's head, crushing his skull and killing the martial artist instantly. The fight was over.
KO!
Paul Blart was seen reporting to Sakura about what had happened with Dan, causing her to start crying over her friend's death.
Results[]
Boomstick: Are you fucking kidding me?! Dan, you had ONE job! One job!
Wiz: This was a surprisingly close battle. While Dan has more experience in combat, Paul Blart had the necessary tools to take the victory. Remember, Paul Blart was actually a good police officer and he managed to get through the training obstacles with not much trouble. If he weren't obese, he would've defintely made it in. Meanwhile Dan only practices martial arts, and isn't even good at that.
Boomstick: Dan is one durable son of a bitch, I'll give him that! However, his durability is something he can't live off forever; he can really only take so much. And considering how inconsistent it can be, it's not likely Dan would be able to take all of Paul's punishment for too long, especially something like a taser for crying out loud!
Wiz: And even though Dan has the Satsui No Hado, he has very little training with it. He lost it via tripping on a backpack, so it's not likely...scratch it, make that almost impossible...that he'd somehow land that on Blart without something getting in the way.
Boomstick: Looks like Dan got Mall'd! Get it, because it sounds like Maul...oh c'mon! I was working on that the whole time!
Wiz: The winner is Paul Blart.
