Description[]
Rare vs Marvel! Two loud-mouthed, hot-headed rodents will see who's ego is bigger! Which will it be, the goofy red squirrel from the Nintendo 64, or the Guardians of the Galaxy's most valuable pilot? Find out on this episode of Death Battle!
| Conker vs Rocket Raccoon | |
|---|---|
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| Season 1, Episode 2 | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | April 27th, 2020 |
| Written by | Datamari |
| Directed by | Datamari |
Episode guide
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| Previous | Next |
| Blaziken vs Ken Masters | Nightmare vs Kratos |
Introduction[]
Neo: You know what squirrels and raccoons are good for? Nothing, they’re just there to eat your garbage or… crap, I don’t even know what squirrels do! That’s how useless they are!
Bubbles: Regardless, these two prove that even the most mundane of creatures can be chaotic and sport absurdly large guns.
Koopa: Like Conker, Rare’s vulgar red squirrel.
Bubbles: And Rocket Raccoon, the Guardians of the Galaxy’s expert pilot.
Neo: She’s Bubbles, he’s Koopa, and I’m Neo!
Koopa: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win…
Koopa, Bubbles and Neo: A DEATH BATTLE!!!
Conker[]
Neo: Nothing beats a night out with the boys! Though in this case, an alcoholic red squirrel drank way too much, and ended up going on an epic quest he was not prepared for! Geez, if only that happened when I drank too much. All I get is a DWI.
Koopa: ...right. The land that Conker lives under is a mysterious one, but it was ruled by the Panther King, who put a bounty on the head of Conker because… he needed a fourth leg for his side table, and his head-scientist deduces that Conker would be just the perfect height. Yeah, this game is dumb.
Neo: You mean AWESOME?! C’mon, name another game that has flowers with boobs, opera-singing literal piles of shit and NAZI TEDDY BEARS?!
Bubbles: Silly plot regardless, Conker would set out on the adventure of a lifetime which ranges from saving his girlfriend Berri, and thwarting the Panther King’s plans. However, Conker couldn’t do all of this without some tricks up his sleeve.
Koopa: Despite his overall dumb demeanor, Conker has access to quite the arsenal. Aside from a move that allows him to spin his tail like a helicopter, allowing him to cross large gaps, Conker has access to something called Context Sensitive.
Neo: It’s sorta like Toon Force. Basically, when Conker stands over the right ground, he can pull anything and everything from his pockets like a goddamn Looney Tunes character! These can range from guns, chainsaws, drugs, liquor, basically anything he needs to solve any sort of situation. And I mean ANY situation, like when he was too drunk to think straight, but he was able to pull out a glass of water to sober up.
Koopa: Not only does he have that, but he also seems to have some sort of connection to the programmers of his own game, and even convinced them to give him a katana to kill the Panther King and become the new king of the land.
Neo: Hey, does that mean we have access to the writer of this fight?
Bubbles: Well, only Conker can-
Neo: Hey, writer! Write me up a million dollars! Helloooo?
Koopa, while Neo is still talking: Eh, Neo?
Bubbles, putting a hand on Koopa's shoulder: Just let her have her fun. Anyways, even with Conker’s access to many machine guns, flamethrowers and rocket launchers, he can still pack a punch on his own. He regularly uses a frying pan, which was strong enough to knock a gargoyle off of a bridge, and he can even… turn into an anvil. Geez, this really is like Looney Tunes. And when Conker needs extra firepower, he pulls out his mech suit, which resembles the Power Loader from Alien. While we don’t see it used to its full extent in the games, it seems to have a jetpack, and can lift up to at least 400 pounds.
Koopa: Throughout his adventure across the land, Conker has seen his fair share of feats. He’s been able to defeat enemies way larger than him by outsmarting them or taking advantage of a weakness, put out fires just by urinating on them, and defeated a Xenomorph who, assuming is equivalent to an actual Alien-verse Xenomorph, could shrug off gunfire and plasma blasts like it was nothing.
Neo: He’s been able to dodge an ICBM missile, which can travel over 15,000 mph, and could even dodge bullets ala Matrix. Plus, while he was on a mission involving a tank, it blew up and knocked Private Rodent out even with armor that was supposedly indestructible and crashed into a windmill, and he was more annoyed than anything.
Bubbles: Conker is a tenacious little guy, but it can only go so far. He’s often somewhat dimwitted, and his loud mouth can get him into more trouble than he’s worth. Plus, Conker doesn’t exactly have any close-combat experience, often relying on his ludacris arsenal to get the job done.
Neo: But still, Conker is a tough little bastard, and just like the game he comes from, he may look cute on the outside, but he’s hell once you piss him off.
Conker: It all started yesterday. What a day that was! It’s what I call… a bad fur day.
Rocket Raccoon[]
Koopa: Inspired by a Beatles song of all things, Subject 89P13 was your average raccoon, until he was brought to the planet Halfworld far from the rest of outer space, which housed mentally ill patients.
Neo: Though, I don’t know who was more crazy: the people who were actually mentally ill, or the people who decided to genetically alter regular animals to serve said ill patients. Either way, these animals were given human-level intelligence and bipedal mobility, and 89P13 was given a pretty early promotion to Chief Law Officer, which protected the colony from intergalactic threats.
Bubbles: However, after years of genetic rewriting and abuse, the raccoon eventually left to become a gunslinging mercenary, and eventually joining the rag-tag group of mercenaries-for-hire known as the Guardians of the Galaxy, naming himself Rocket and becoming known as Rocket Raccoon.
Neo: You wanna know the funny part? He doesn’t even know what a raccoon is.
Koopa: Over the years, Rocket has become a master pilot, mechanic, tactician and marksman. He can use just about any firearm you put in front of him, including laser pistols, rifles, cannons, explosives and even heavy machine guns despite his small stature.
Bubbles: All those experiments weren’t just to torture him, too. With his genetic and cybernetic modifications, he has increased strength, speed and intelligence. Still, Rocket has the same enhanced abilities average raccoons have, including an increased sense of smell and sharp eyesight.
Koopa: Rocket is a master pilot as well, being able to fix up just about any ship and fly it all the same. He’s also a great tactician, able to adapt to just about any situation on the fly. Even Star-Lord, who can know everything about a piece of technology just by touching it, says that Rocket is the best tactical mind he’s ever met.
Neo: Then again, that same guy listens to the same 80s songs over and over again and tried to get with an assassin trained by Thanos.
Bubbles: But… he did eventually get with her.
Neo: Not in my headcanon, he didn’t.
Koopa: ...anyways, Rocket is an extremely experienced combatant who’s seen his fair share of fights. He’s able to take hits from Starhawk and Ultron Warlock, blew up a moon with explosives he made himself, took out multiple teams of Ravagers with traps, and even reflected an incoming rocket with a wrench. He's even been able to create explosives that he claims could blow up a moon. Assuming he's talking about an average moon, Rocket's explosives must be as powerful as 8,000 yotttatons of TNT.
Neo: And even with all the heavy weaponry he has, he can still move around quickly as if he were holding a feather! Maybe raccoons aren’t as useless as I thought.
Bubbles: Even though Rocket is an extremely skilled fighter on his own, he still has his fair share of flaws. He’s hot-headed, doesn’t really have a lot of actual strength, and mostly relies on his colossi friend Groot for actual muscle.
Koopa: Rocket certainly doesn’t look like much on the surface, but underestimating him will definitely be the last mistake you make.
Rocket: Ain’t no thing like me, except me.
Interlude[]
Koopa: Alright, the combatants are set, let’s end this debate once and for all.
Neo: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!!!
Pre-Fight[]
Conker’s Castle[]
A castle can be seen, and a spaceship soon comes crashing near its vicinity. Conker gets up and looks out his window, seeing smoke coming from his garden.
Conker: Ugh, who the hell’s crashing into my house at this time of night?!
Conker puts on his trademark blue hoodie and walks to his backyard to see the crash, rubbing his eyes. He coughs when he gets closer to the smoke.
Conker: Goddammit! Now I’m gonna have to pay for repairs, and it’s gonna take months just to-
Before he could finish his thought, Rocket climbed out of the spaceship, shaking off the excess rubble. He seemed to be talking to someone on some sort of device.
Rocket: Yeah, yeah, I know, but just gimme another day or two, I’ll just grab some resources here and I’ll be back before you know it.
He put it away and saw the squirrel standing there. The two looked each other down, furrowing their brows.
Conker: Who the hell are you?
Rocket: Look, buddy. I’m not here to cause any trouble, I’m just-
Conker: Do you have any idea how much it’s gonna cost to get this thing fixed?
Rocket: Oh come on, it’s not that bad!
Almost on cue, the wing of the spaceship fell off and crushed more of the garden.
Rocket: It’s not that bad.
Conker: Hmm… I bet I could sell that ship for a lot of money.
Rocket: What? Nah, bucko. You ain’t getting a cent outta this ship!
Rocket pulled out his twin laser pistols, aiming them at the squirrel.
FIGHT!
Fight[]
Conker ran towards Rocket, and Rocket began shooting his guns. Conker was able to jump and roll over each shot, eventually taking out his frying pan and swatting Rocket away. Conker jumped on him and began beating him with his pan, comically flattening his head. Rocket caught his pan and used his claws to scratch Conker’s hands, causing him to let go of the pan. Rocket reversed the position and got onto Conker, scratching his face. Conker rolled with Rocket, eventually a lightbulb coming over his head.
Conker reached into his pocket and pulled out an animal grabber, and pressed it against Rocket’s neck, squeezing it and letting it wrap around his opponent’s neck.
Rocket: What the hell? Where’d you get that?!
Conker tried to choke Rocket, but his opponent was able to slip out of it’s grasp, biting Conker’s arm. Conker threw Rocket away, holding his arm.
Conker: Jesus, did you just bite me?! What are ya, some kind of animal?
Rocket began firing his pistols at Conker, the squirrel running and jumping through the bullets. Another lightbulb appeared over Conker’s head, and he pulled out a machine gun. Conker started blasting, and Rocket used his jetpack to fly into the air.
Rocket: Okay, you’re gonna have to tell me where you get this stuff!
As he talked, Rocket pulled out a heavy machine gun and began shooting Conker, the two moving left to right dodging each of their shots. Once again, a lightbulb appeared above Conker, and he pulled a heat-seeking missile launcher from his pockets. He fired a missile, and Rocket pulled out his wrench, hitting it when it came close. The missile redirected itself, and Rocket kept hitting it over and over again until he eventually began flying around to avoid it. As he came around, Rocket flew towards Conker and grabbed him, throwing him towards the missile. The missile exploded, causing Conker to be knocked back. Before Conker could even stand, Rocket flew down and grabbed Conker, lifting him into the air with him. Conker attempted to hit Rocket with his pan, but to no effect.
Rocket: Heh, so no more random guns?
Conker: Well.. maybe just one more.
Conker kicked Rocket in his groin, causing him to let go of the squirrel. He spun his tail, hitting Rocket multiple times before he hit him downwards with his frying pan, creating a small crater. Conker landed by turning into an anvil, dropping fast onto Rocket, causing him to cough up blood. Conker turned back into himself, standing over Rocket seemingly victorious.
Conker: Any last words, pal?
Rocket: Just two. Buh bye!
Rocket activated his jetpack, launching him upwards and into his ship as Conker was knocked back. Rocket flew up and held a large gatling gun, firing it at Conker as he roared. Conker stumbled to get out of the way, but was able to, and used CS to pull out a yellow, heavy mech suit. He quickly got into it and blocked the gunfire, laughing. He then used the jetpack to fly up to Rocket, punching him out of the sky. Rocket spun out and landed on the ground, the jetpack barely working now. Conker landed and stood over Rocket, bringing the suit’s foot up to crush Rocket under him.
Conker: NOW you got any last words?
Rocket, heavily breathing: Try it.
Conker brought his foot down, and Rocket was crushed underneath his weight. Conker laughed, and lifted his foot up to see if Rocket had been splatered. He heard a ticking sound, and exploded. Rocket had put an explosive on the bottom of the robot's foot, and used the last of his jetpack to get away from the explosion. Conker flew back, and Rocket ran towards him and put the jetpack on his back, also planting another explosive onto the pack.
Rocket: Sayonara!
Rocket flipped a switch, causing the jetpack to fly Conker upwards nearly out of the atmosphere, blowing up. Rocket looked up and snickered, a tail with red fur falling next to him.
Rocket: Glad that’s over… now, about that castle. Now THAT’S worth quite a bargain.
Post-Fight[]
K.O!
Neo: Looks like Conker’s blasting off again!
Bubbles: Despite the two’s… uh… stylistic differences, this fight was actually closer than it looks on paper. Both Conker and Rocket were able to keep up with their seemingly endless arsenals, with Conker being able to use Context Sensitive to counter most of Rocket’s biggest weapons. However, Conker doesn’t *always* have access to this ability, and is ultimately pretty defenseless when he’s all by himself. Even if the entire ground was Context Sensitive, all Rocket would have to do was bring Conker into the air, and he’d be set. Even with Conker’s frying pan, Rocket has survived way more than a fall from a waterfall.
Koopa: It’s hard to say how powerful the two drones that blew up the tank that Conker and Private Rodent were in were, but we compared it to an M1 Abrams tank, and to destroy one would take just over 260 megatons of TNT. Rocket on the other hand was able to take a hit from Ultron Walrock, who could shatter entire planets. Even with Conker’s mech suit, Rocket’s outdone things way more powerful than this thing. Because it’s a parody of the Power Loader from Alien, we determined that it must weigh over 600 pounds. Meanwhile, Rocket was able to tank a missile-controlled carpet bombing that completely annihilated the Avengers HQ, so even if Rocket were to be crushed, he could still withstand it.
Neo: Also, Rocket has way more actual combat experience both being a member of the Guardians of the Galaxy and in crime, while Conker spent most of his time drinking. Time well spent, if you ask me.
Koopa: And I know what you’re probably thinking: couldn’t Conker just ask the developer to give him an instakill weapon like he did with the alien? Well… Conker only had access to this ability for that one time, and when he tried to ask them again, they didn’t answer, so he was just left on his own. Conker definitely put up a good fight against Rocket, but his goofy weapons and loud mouth can only get him so far, and when put up against an experienced merc like Rocket, he just falls short.
Neo: In the end, Conker’s chances of winning this fight were RARE.
Bubbles: The winner is Rocket Raccoon.
Next Time on Death Battle![]
Neo: Next time on Death Battle!
???: Blood… darkness… I shall drown the world in both!
Versus…
???: You will not see the end of this day.
NIGHTMARE VS KRATOS!
COMING SOON!
Alternate Ending[]
Conker brought his foot down, and Rocket was crushed underneath his weight. Conker laughed, and lifted his foot up to see if Rocket had been splatered. He heard a ticking sound, and exploded. Rocket had put an explosive on the bottom of the robot's foot, and used the last of his jetpack to get away from the explosion. Conker flew back, and Rocket ran towards him and put the jetpack on his back, also planting another explosive onto the pack.
Rocket: Sayonara!
Rocket flipped a switch on the jetpack, though Conker seemed to be able to control it once it took off. Conker flew back and grabbed Rocket, bringing him into the air as the two punched and scratched one another until the explosive's timer was nearing its end. Conker slipped away from the straps of the jetpack and quickly shoved Rocket onto the pack, kicking him away as the jetpack exploded, knocking Conker onto the roof of his mansion. Conker sat and caught his breath, though a loose Rocket tail landed next to him.
Conker: Heh, talk about roadkill.