description[]
two fourth wall breaking animals battle to see who is the biggest fourth wall breaking animal but more the the wall could be broken
intro[]
wiz: there is a technique in many forms of fiction it is simply known as the fourth wall the ability to let the
viewer know you are a fictional character these two are great at it
boomstick: are we really doing this?
wiz: yes
boomstick: okay
wiz: conker the squirrel who had a bad fur day
boomstick: and pinkie pie the pink party pony of ponyville he's wiz i'm boomstick
wiz: and it's our job to analyze they're armor weapons and skills to see who would win a death battle
pinkie pie[]
wiz: in equestria there are the main six but this one was pinkie pie
boomstick: pinkie pie was developed into fun when she first saw rainbow dash's sonic rainboom
wiz: with this she devoted her life to fun with her party cannon which can sand anyone flying
boomstick: she can also tank hits without getting injured
wiz: and also she can even break the fourth wall
boomstick: uh can we skip this we already did it
pinkie: skip me why?
boomstick: okay fine
pinkie: just to let you know i can make pretty big parties and most any part i have thrown it
wiz: but despite this she can easily distracted and will often focus more on the thing that distracted her
pinkie: but despite this i am quite the party planner
wiz: pinkie please leave
pinkie: okay
wiz: finally anyway pinkie pie can also keep up with rainbo w dahs though
boomstick: she get's a win in my book
pinkie: whoo!
conker[]
wiz: usually rare makes kid friendly games but not this one this is when conker had a bad fur day
boomstick: conker here became king he has taken on nazi teddy bear's has a chainsaw a pack of guns
and often get's ideas
conker: and i am also good at that
wiz: oh no
boomstick: what the? oh let me guess fourth wall awareness?
wiz: yep
conker: yeah also i like money boobs and beer
wiz: yeah which can backfire on him but he can use his tails to fly sorta like tails from sonic
conker: i also have a frying pan taken on the great mighty poo and other bosses bigger then me and a host
of others so yeah
wiz; alright hat's it *suddenly uses an eraser to erase conker*
conker: ahhh! i hate you!
*they eraser erases him completely*
wiz: phew that was close
boomstick: yeah i know
wiz: anyway conker has defeated a xenomorph with a mech suit and can breathe in space with that he is
one deadly squirrel
conker: time for an adventure
battle[]
wiz: alright the combatants are set let's end this debate ounce and for all
boomstick: it's time for a death battle!
(ponyville 8:am)
conker: ahhhh! oof! ow stupid freefall! *turns to the camera* oh hello death battle i was just looking for the
beer convention when i found out that i was gonna be in a death battle i wonder who i am facing
pinkie: *singing then gasps upon seeing conker*
conker: you gotta be kidding me
pinkie: omigosh are you new you gotta be new i never seen you around her before
conker: conker
pinkie: i must welcome you now *takes in a breath of fresh air*
conker: *stops her* sorry no time i gotta get going
pinkie: well looks like i got another challenger
announcer: fight!
conker: *get's out a chainsaw time to fry this pony*
*conker then cut pinkie to pieces*
conekr: huh that was easy now let's get going
pinkie: *reforms herself* not so fast
conker: oh come on! oh well *get's out a mech suit* i was saving this for a large beast but you will do
*conker then spun pinkie around then threw her into space*
conker: finally!
*suddenly he heard a rumbling noie which was revealed to be a who army of pinkies saying welcome*
conker: oh noI
an army if pinkie pie's starting charging at him
pinkie's: welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome
conker:*get's covered in all the pinkie pie's but comes out screaming out of it*
conker: alright time to get dirty
conker then knocks the pinkies out and saws them with his chainsaw hits them with his frying pan and even pees on them making
some then explode conker also uses his mech suit to beat some of the snot out of them and swing some into space it was really
something
conker: *sigh* i wanna go home
pinkie: aww you jsut got here
conker: okay that's it
*suddenly the death battle froze*
conker: oh no the battle froze
pinkie: i know it was getting good
conker: what? you see this too?
pinkie: yep so what do we do now?
conker: let's have some fun
*what follows is a montage of conker and pinkie having fun in my previous death battles knocking out all
of the competitors*
conker: phew that was a workout *Light bulb appears* hey i got an idea follow me
pinkie: hey look it's me!
(Pinkie it revealed to be looking at pinkie pie vs amerthyst*
conker: no not that this *points to a death battle cast*
pinkie: ooh you gonna go to wiz and boomstick?
conker: yep here we go
(we then see wiz and boomstick talking when suddenly conker comes in)
conker: you! you made this battle i was on my way to the reunion party but no you just have to interrupt it
didn't you?
pinkie: did you say party?
(pinkie pie they jumps on conker knocking them back in the current battle)
wiz: what just happened?
boomstick: heck if i know
(back at the current battle)
conker: uh where am i?
pinkie:surprise!!
conker: aww thanks guys how did you know?
pinkie: i planned this party for you the name is pinkie pie by the way
conker: nice to meet you i guess this was a good fur day after all
(iris in as both go into it)
Results?[]
boomstick: what? what a copout
wiz: well it does make sense they both have fourth wall awareness and are strong *sigh* why?
boomstick: so who are the losers and winners
wiz: them and i think the losers are i guess us
boomstick: whatever i'm out of here!
Two wild fourth-wall breaking party animals get wild
Interlude[]
(cues: Death Battle: Wiz And Boomstick official theme song from Screwattack Series)
Wiz: Fiction has a very fragile set of rules. Authors should be wary, as one small crack can be enough to smash the boundary and send their stories careening out of control.
Boomstick: Didn't you already mention that when we put Party Pony over here up against
Wiz:Yes, but for this battle we have reinforced the fourth wall to made out of steel and razorwire and if that doesn't work you have your leg and I have a twelve barrel shotgun at hand,
Boomstick: I guess we're gonna need it since we're dealing with Conker the drunk asshole squirrel after my own heart,
Wiz: And the aforementioned Pinkie Pie, The Element Of Fun,
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons armour and skills to find out who would win...
Boomstick: A DEATH BATTLE
Pinkie Pie Brings The Party Back To Death Battle[]
[1] Wiz: If you venture into the magical land of Equestria, you may just be welcomed by the peppy party pony Pinkie Pie,
Pinkie Pie: HAPPY SECOND TIME USING ME IN A DEATH BATTLE PIE!
Boomstick: I was wandering when you were gonna show up,
Pinkie Pie: During the battle duh,
Wiz: Well it's great to see you again, you mind if we go over your origin again,
Pinkie Pie: Take it away Wizard,
Wiz: When Pinkie Pie was a foul she worked on a rock farm,
Boomstick: Doesn't exactly sound too exciting
Pinkie Pie: I actually enjoyed my time at the old rock farm but I'm so glad I saw Rainbow Dash's Sonic Rainboom, it was so awesome and filled me with so much joy that I decided from then on I was gonna share that feeling with the rest of Equestria,
Wiz: Gifting you with your Cutie Mark,
Boomstick: A magical tramp stamp that's tells you your destiny,
Pinkie Pie: What's a tramp Stamp?
Wiz: Err, Tell you when you're older,
Pinkie Pie: I'm 27
[2] Wiz: ANYWAY, Pinkie brings a bit more than a few accessories she can use for Combat,
Pinkie Pie: OOH, I'm good at this, for some reason my friends keep telling me that when I'm around, the laws of reality seem to take a backseat, what a ridiculous thing to say, reality I never knew her.
Boomstick: She has a trampline, balloons, this thing, a hot air balloon,
Pinkie Pie: All of which help out when I need to visit my friend Rainbow Dash,
Boomstick: She has a joker level of gag weapons, including a joy buzzer and Super Duper Sticky String,
Pinkie Pie: I super love my skates.
Wiz: Strangely she has a number of cannons,
Boomstick: which she pulls out of her ass
Pinkie Pie: I don't pull my party cannons out of my butt, I just have them hidden randomly all around Equestria,
Boomstick: where the fuck did you hide your Easy Bake Confetti Cannon, which stands at 19cm high and 23cm wide,
Wiz: You do know she has a party cave right?
Pinkie Pie: Yeah, that's where I keep my Welcome Wagon, Washing Shoes, Dynamite, Climbing Gear, Big Bertha, My Party Bazooka, and Fluttershy costume,
Boomstick: You have a costume of your friend, Thaaat's creepy,
Pinkie Pie: (Giggles) No, It isn't.
Wiz: Okaay, Well she also has access to the mirror pool which she can use to create clones of herself,
Boomstick: you mean there's more than one of her?
Wiz: She also has super hearing,
Boomstick: And she has super hearing, gee I wonder why there's creepypasta of her?!
Pinkie Pie: Please don't mention the creepypasta, makes it a little hard to entertain ponies when they keep running away from me,
Boomstick: Her body must be made some form of play-do because she can do a lot of crazy bullshit,
Wiz: Like being able to blow up her head like a balloon or form a drill with her mane or use her tail as some form of propeller,
Pinkie Pie: I have my hoover which sucks up everything,
Boomstick: he he
Pinkie Pie: He he, Everything,
Wiz: Moving on, Pinkie possess some talent at playing the Yovidaphone,
Boomstick: If by some talent you mean being so bad at it that it causes Apples to turn to applesauce,
Wiz: The highest sound required to turn Apples into applesauce is 20 khz, that means she must playing at a force 20000 hertz
Pinkie Pie: Wow, you're really smart Wiz,
Wiz: Pinkie has two types of underwater gear, Her swimming gear and her Undersea diving suit,
Boomstick: But I doubt she'll need any of them, especially after she met the Hippogriffs, since then she could form a fish tail allowing her to travel underwater,
Pinkie Pie: Hmmm, I miss Skystar,
Wiz: Pinkie possesses a healing factor, however her strangest ability would have to be her Pinkie Sense, a type of sensory nonsense that when I tried to explain it, I ended up crying in the shower for 5 months,
Pinkie Pie: Sometimes you just have to believe in something even if you can't figure them out,
Wiz: Gah, DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE,
"We are experiencing technical difficulties"
Boomstick: Wizard, You okay there buddy?
Wiz: Uh whatever, with this Pinkie Sense she can navigate a crumbling building site,
Boomstick: Well, I think we better move on before Wiz's mind breaks again,
Wiz: As a member of the Mane Six
Pinkie Pie: Something neither me or any of the Elements call ourselves,
Wiz: She gets an added boost from the The Tree Of Harmony,
Boomstick: Complete with a total power-up,
Wiz: It is unknown whether she can use this power by herself or whether it is dependent on her being with her friends to use this but if she can that means she can shoot a laser powerful enough to annihilate anything it's fired at,
Boomstick: Well it could but then you know Sombra,
Pinkie Pie: Oh cheer up chums, Me and my friends can still use the elements even with the tree gone,
Boomstick: But can you use the Elements on your own,
Pinkie Pie: I don't know,
Wiz: she does posses some magic of her own, but we can only assume this is tied into her reality warping,
Boomstick: So what can she do physically?
Wiz: Well Pinkie Pie can move faster enough to arrange a party in one morning,
Pinkie Pie: I throw the best parties,
Boomstick: She's actually faster than her dear ol' pal, Rainbow Dash who can move at mark 5, Even her reflexes are faster than Rainbow Dash,
Pinkie Pie: Awesome,
Wiz: She can outrun an avalanche,
Boomstick: She can survive getting mawled by a dragon, a creature capable of eating diamonds as a baby,
Wiz: She can often come up with outlandish solutions which seem to workout amazingly in the end,
Pinkie Pie: Like the time I saved Ponyville with Percussion instruments,
Wiz: Doing so required playing 10 instruments at once, She's even able to outsmart Twilight Sparkle making her believe she was oblivious to her following,
Pinkie Pie: I thought she wanted me to know,
Boomstick: She's managed to sneak of a moving train,
Wiz: she's kicked Twilight and Fluttershy hard enough to leave an imprint,
Pinkie Pie: Accident, sorry guys,
Boomstick: She can survive being smashed through a wall
Wiz: She can survive falling off of a speeding cart,
Boomstick: She can run past Fluttershy so fast she goes spinning
Wiz: She can spin around a cloud so fast that it takes off,
Boomstick: she can move so fast she appears as a blur,
Wiz: She can survive her float and her hot air balloon crashing inside, and survive falling down 86 stairs each 1cm in diameter,
Boomstick: she could survive smacking her head against a steel bell with no ill effects,
Wiz: You sure about that Boomstick?
Pinkie Pie: (singing) Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, a fine welcome to you,
DUMMI: Save me from this,
Boomstick: Fair point,
Wiz: She managed to escape the crumbling tomb of Ahuizotyl,
Boomstick: She can dig a hole in the ground 11inches long,
Wiz: She can set up massive floats such as a Piñata shaped like a hat that was 25cm long and a hot air balloon containing 7 balloons in under 10 minutes,
Pinkie Pie: Anything for old pal Rainbow Dash on her special day,
Wiz: She can move a cart 5.55ft tall,
Boomstick: She can move fast enough to create a cloud of smoke in her wake,
Wiz: She can survive getting crushed by a rock 31cm tall and 14 inches wide,
Boomstick: and then move whilst being underneath,
Wiz: She can lift 4 ponies over her head the Shetland ponies the smallest ponies around weigh 200-225 kilograms that's an average of 440-496 pounds of force,
Boomstick: She can survive getting smashed through a wooden door hard enough to create a hole
Wiz: Meaning she can survive getting hit 1250lbs or 8.61 megapascals of force,
Pinkie Pie: Bath time, still dangerous,
Wiz: she can survive a fall of 0.4 metres,
Boomstick: She can survive getting mawled by a bugbear, a creature that can destroy a whole house,
Wiz: Destroying a building like that would require a force of 50 kilonewtons, that's 50000 newtons, she can also survive a fall of 300 ft.
Boomstick: She can lift a 13 pound cart on top of a house,
Wiz: She can move faster than the eye can track,
Boomstick: She can instantly shape rock with a single tap,
Wiz: She can yell hard enough to shape mountains, this means she carries a force of 4.18 joules of energy,
Boomstick: She can easily cross 0.13 metres in a short amount of time,
Wiz: She can move party celebrations from Ponyville to Cloudsdale in a matter of minutes,
Boomstick: That's a distance 7m baby,
Wiz: She can lead an entire town into pranking Rainbow Dash,
Pinkie Pie: Pranks are super fun,
Boomstick: She can kick a buckball faster than Applejack can react and AJ is an accomplished buckball player,
Wiz: She can kick a buckball into a bucket standing 65ft away,
Wiz: She can hold open a giant rock eel's mouth open and then outrace the mighty beast, she can keep her footing whilst scaling up an opening door,
Boomstick: She can survive tunnelling through mountain snow,
Wiz: She can survive a headbutt from a Yak, a horde of fully grown yaks can cause an earthquake powerful enough to create an avalanche that covered the whole of Yak Yakistan,
Boomstick: she can survive getting hit by Spitfire
Wiz: If we were to compare Spitfire to Rainbow Dash who can move at Mach 5, it is safe to assume that Spitfire can do the same, That would mean the resulting crash should have caused her to completely implode,
Boomstick: but she was up and making pies in no time,
Wiz: She can survive swimming in acid,
Boomstick: Which the show said was goo, I have no idea why,
Pinkie Pie: Ahem,
Pinkie shows the tv rating which reads tv-Y7
Boomstick: Ah,
Wiz: She can survive falling down a waterfall,
Boomstick: She can fling cupcakes at a machine gun rate,
Wiz: She can survive being shot out of a cannon 39ft. into the air, With 30 feet being the approximate amount of height needed to kill an average human,
Boomstick: She can lift a fully grown Yak over her head,
Wiz: The average yak is 58 tonnes, that means she can lift well over 1278 pounds,
Boomstick: She can sneeze hard enough to shatter glass, and eat 29 ice creams in one gulp without suffering brain freeze, Whether she has a brain to freeze is up to question,
Pinkie Pie: I HEARD THAT,
Wiz: She can outpace a dragon,
Boomstick: She can run fast enough that the buildings around her looked like a blur,
Wiz: She can bake 154 cupcakes within a millisecond, it usually takes about 20 minutes to bake a cupcake to bake 154 would require 3080 minutes, provided that she did them one at a time, that would mean she'd have to move at supersonic speeds, to bake them all,
Boomstick: Woah, That's impressive,
Wiz: She has shown immense speed feats in the past to match up with this such as the time she dodged laser blasts fired from Queen Chysilis,
Boomstick: Damn,
Wiz: She even once got Discord's powers mixed in with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna's,
Boomstick: But Discord unfortunately would not let her play, big meanie,
Wiz: Erm, Boomstick,
Pinkie Pie: I like fun, do you like fun? I like fun like the time Applejack-
Dummi: Kill Me
Wiz: Yeah, the last thing we need is Pinkie who can rearrange the cosmos so that they are made of cotton candy,
Boomstick: Yeah, that's probably smart, [4]
Wiz: Pinkie isn't perfect however she can be incredibly immature at times, her happiness is tied to her parties so with that said if her parties aren't enjoyed she will lose all confidence in herself,
Pinkie Pie: Well, who doesn't enjoy parties,
Boomstick: She can also be incredibly oblivious, like the time she didn't notice Rainbow Dash getting rid of her pies even when they landed over her head when she saw them land,
Pinkie Pie: That reminds me, you still haven't eaten your second time using me in Death Battle Pie, it's very delicious,
Wiz: Why that's great, good heavens what the fuck is that?
Pinkie turns around and Wiz throws her pie away, hitting Dummi in the face,
Dummi: I hate my job,
Pinkie Pie: That's Boomstick silly,
Wiz: Sometimes looking at him I don't recognise him, but emmm that pie was delicious Pinkie,
Pinkie Pie: Yay, Thanks Wizard,
Boomstick: What was that about?
Wiz: What? I never eat whilst working, it's a distraction,
Wiz: Pinkie's purpose has always been to make ponies laugh, so that's what she did staying in Ponyville making pony's laugh along with her husband Cheese Sandwich and her daughter Li'l Cheese,
Boomstick: Whenever you feel sad Pinkie will be there to cheer you up and make you laugh,
Twilight Sparkle: Dear Princess Celestia, friendship is a wonderous and powerful thing, even the worst of enemies can become friends, you need understanding and compromise, you've got to share, you've got to care,
Pinkie Pie: Hey, that's what I said,
Conker stumbles drunkenly into Death Battle[]
Wiz: There are a few certainties in this world, Death, Taxes,
Boomstick: And growing up,
Wiz: One such case is that of Conker The Squirrel,
Conker The Squirrel: You called?
Boomstick: Oh come on this guy can break the fourth wall too,
Wiz: Did you forget the whole theme of this battle?
Boomstick: Guh, anyway as a child Conker was told to obey three simple rules,
Wiz: Stay away from Alcohol,
Shows Conker standing underneath a tap as alcohol poured into his mouth, he then turns to the camera with a meter in his eyes which turns to red,
Wiz: Don't be greedy,
Money: I'm here, you greedy bastard,
shows Conker picking up the money,
Conker: Oh yeah, more sponduli,
Wiz: and never swear,
Conker: Thank god, I ignored all that shit,
Boomstick: And became the asshole we all know and love today, [7]
Wiz: Conker has a pretty compact arsenal keeping most of his weapons tied to context sensitive switches, which give him what he needs at the time from Milk to Dynamite from a slingshot to throwing knives,
Boomstick: Confidence Pills for when he's having a hard time getting it up,
Conker: That's what I thought they did when I got em but these pills are useless,
Conker precedes to throw the pills out of the window,
Wiz: Well, they do help you swim,
Conker: Oh shit,
Conker jumps out of the window,
Boomstick: Well that just happened...
Wiz: Probably best not to question, they also contain toilet roll from that time he took on The Great Mighty Poo, which an anthropomorphic piece of shit that sings opera,
Boomstick: Like is Conker's entire world drunk or something,
Wiz: He has a pocket watch, a ranged crossbow and a bazooka,
Boomstick: Wait this Alvin and The Chipmunks knock-off is actually carrying heat,
Conker: Yeah, what kind of Squirrel leaves the nest without a bazooka, a shotgun, duel machine guns and a class 22 tank?
Wiz: Which wields enough force to punch strait through steel,
Boomstick: Conker can also use his tail as a propeller,
Conker: It really does your back in, let me tell ya,
Wiz: He wields a frying pan,
Boomstick: He wields the manual which is like cheat codes for killing,
Wiz: He can turn himself into an anvil with which he can survive 50 foot drops,
Boomstick: He carries a chainsaw,
Conker: A chainsaw, what, a motherfucking chainsaw, what, so come and get it,
Wiz: NO! IT IS NEVER A GOOD TIME TO START SINGING LIMP BIZKIT!
Conker: Aww,
Boomstick: He also carries a brick in each pocket,
Conker: I actually have a funny story about that, okay I was fighting this giant brass robot, Okay, now I'm not the biggest guy, I'm only 3 inches tall shorter than the average squirrel, so in comes this guy he's huge and spitting fire everywhere I get onto a touch sensitive pad, right and I pull a lever that causes me to douse this guy in oil, till he trips and exposes his testes so with this opportunity lined up I walk straight up to him and smash his balls with the two bricks, I then proceed to use these two bricks and my trusty frying pan to hit him in the balls until they jettison from his body like two big round gazelles, it was so fucking funny, right guys?
The camera zooms out to see Wiz and Boomstick holding themselves by crotch and cringing,
Wiz: Oh that poor creature,
Boomstick: Yeah, ouch,
Conker: Eh, guess you had to be there,
Wiz: N-N-Now is probably a good time to mention that Conker, is not afraid to fight dirty, (gulp)
Boomstick: He has pepper,
Wiz: He can actually dodge and weave around bullets,
Boomstick: He has his power suit which can trade blows with a Xenomorph, a creature that can stand up against the force of an airlock,
Wiz: And after the game froze he managed to convince the game designers into giving him access to multiple weapons,
Boomstick: Like in The Matrix,
Wiz: And yet for some reason he only picked out the machete,
Boomstick: And If all else fails he'll just piss on ya,
Wiz: Perhaps his strangest ability would be his immortality, for you see with him being a squirrel he can have as many lives as he thinks he can get away with,
Boomstick: Ok, That's Bullshit we've all seen dead possum on the side of the road,
Conker: Who's more the expert you or The Grim Reaper himself,
Wiz: Us, now let us be clear Conker can still die but he has as many lives than he can get away with, [8]
Conker: Hey Maestro don't you think that's a little too dramatic, can you give me something with a bit more of a beat?
A more calmer tune plays,
Conker: Yeah, That's better,
Boomstick: Well he really is a cocky little punk being able to outrun fully grown wasps,
Wiz: He often uses complex puzzle solving to escape complex situations,
Boomstick: He can survive a tremor which destroyed an entire stone floor,
Wiz: He can survive an explosion of 16cm,
Boomstick: He can dodge a charging bull,
Wiz: Which can up to 2500 feet per second, he also outmanuvered said bull keeping hold long enough for the bull to eat enough exlax to explode, for reference an average bull is 20 times stronger than the average human,
Boomstick: He can push around a giant ball of poo weighing 5 cm which held enough force to kill a Ladybug weighing a pound and tear through wood, I can't believe that sentence just escaped my mouth,
Wiz: Yeah, well he can resist singing strong enough to shatter glass,
Boomstick: He once smashed a giant stone totem weighing 5cm through the top of the pyramid it was standing on,
Wiz: He can push a giant boulder 5cm tall,
Boomstick: he can survive being sent 11 feet through the air,
Wiz: He can survive being smashed by a rock golem,
Boomstick: He can push a 1 pound rock golem around,
Wiz: He can survive a fall that destroyed rock golems,
Boomstick: He can survive being smashed upside the head with a rock club,
Wiz: He can dodge shockwave created by a caveman weighing up to around 5 pounds,
Boomstick: He can survive falling in lava,
Wiz: He can lift a beehive 9cm wide,
Boomstick: He can survive being mawled by a giant worm,
Wiz: He can keep balance whilst on a rolling barrel,
Boomstick: He can push a 2 pound steel crate,
Wiz: He can survive being struck by an electric eel whilst under water,
Boomstick: He can survive a shockwave of a missile that left a whole 16cm wide,
Wiz: He can survive the destruction of the class 22
Boomstick: He can throw a xenomorph through the air and later behead the xenomorph in one chop,
Wiz: Conker isn't perfect however he can be incredibly immature at times, and suffers from a major drinking problem,
Conker: (drunk) Shut up, you're not the boss of me,
Wiz: Conker, are you drunk right now?
Conker: (drunk) Screw you, I can quit anytime I want,
Wiz: Conker give me the bottle,
Conker: (drunk) Give it,
Wiz and Conker fight over the bottle of beer in Conker's hand,
Wiz: Boomstick, Help me,
Boomstick: Sorry, I signed a contract as a redneck stating I would never touch another man's beer,
Conker's beer cap pops up and flies off screen,
Dummi: Ow my eye,
Boomstick: Well, what's the big deal anyway,
Wiz: Well, Conker's tale is more about a man's downward spiral if anything,
Boomstick: WHAT?
Wiz: It's true as due to his greed and constant drinking he lost everything and had to watch his girlfriend get gunned down before his very eyes, even with the ability to go back in time, he failed to save her and now was forced to sit on a throne surrounded by people he hated,
Boomstick: Wow, that's pretty dark for what is essentially Looney Tunes if it was written by Seth Macfarlane,
Wiz: Yeah,
Boomstick: Well, at least he got to be king,
Conker: Yippie Kai Yay, Mother Buzzards,
Pre Fight[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all,
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE
Fight[]
A dark shadow loomed over Ponyville as a red squirrel in a blue hoodie drunkenly stumbled into town, this was the squirrel known as Conker,
Conker: Really, Ponyville (hic) not even gonna give me the home advantage?
Conker knew why he was here, It was Death Battle and Conker was to fight to the death against somebody named Pinkie Pie, however he had been told nothing about who this Pinkie fellow was, as he got into town he approached a pink pony with a set of balloons stamped on her rear,
Conker: Oh yeah, (hic) love a good tramp stamp me, excuse me hun, (hic) can ya tell me where I can find Pinkie Pie?
???: I'm Pinkie,
The answer was nonchalant but then she realised who had asked the question, a stranger, she knew all the ponies in Ponyville so that must mean one thing, one thing was about to happen,
Conker: Yeah, apparently I'm supposed to figh-
Pinkie Pie: SWEET CELESTIA, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND HERE BEFORE YOU MUST BE NEW PREPARE TO BE WELCOMED!
Suddenly out of nowhere Orchestral music started playing,
Conker: What the fuck?
Pinkie Pie: (SINGING) WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME, A FINE WELCOME TO YOU, WELCOME, WELCOME WELCOME, HI HELLO HOW DO YOU-
Pinkie was cut off as a frying pan hit her in the face,
Conker: Yeah, I'm definitely not drunk enough for that,
Pinkie got up and kicked him in the gut, sending him flying,
Pinkie Pie: I'M GONNA WELCOME YOU ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!
Conker landed on an orange hexagon with the letter B on it,
Conker: Ok gotta sober up,
He pulled out a large carton of milk and drank it, suddenly the ill effects of the alcohol he was drinking were no more, he was awake and ready for combat,
Conker: That's better,
He looked at the upset horse who was now preparing a charge,
Conker: Let's do this you street whore,
(Cues Pests Fight Again,)
Pinkie charged at the squirrel only to be caught off guard as he pulled out two large machine guns and fired at her, she dodged the bullets and kicked him upside the head, sending Conker back, he fired again but this time bullets connected smacking Pinkie in the face, Pinkie just shrugged them off and kicked him through the air, he crash landed in an apple cart with a big white muscular pony furiously crying over his shattered cart, a thought bubble appeared over Conker's head reading "what a pussy," before charging back into the fight he pulled out his machine guns firing bullets at Pinkie but as they charged at each other everything froze,
Conker: Not again,
Pinkie Pie: What's happening?
Conker: Whowouldwinking couldn't think of any good ideas pre-battle,
It was then that Conker realised something, Pinkie was moving,
Conker: Wait, Why aren't you frozen? Oh god, don't tell me you can break the fourth wall too,
Pinkie Pie: You're like my super cool friend Wade, does this you wanna be friends?
Conker thought about it for a second, in his thoughts he could see her inviting him to a party with him expecting to get laid only for the party to be for little kids, he thought about her calling him 99 times per day, wondering if he wanted to come to her birthday party, he thought about her jumping about here, there and everywhere at 5am in the morning with him being hungover,
Pinkie Pie: Oh hey it's me,
Conker was thrown out of his thoughts by her happy exclamation,
Conker: Let me think about that?
He then smashed her over the head with a frying pan, knocking her through a hole in the ground,
Conker: Yeah, I'm gonna have to put a rain check on that,
When Pinkie awoke she was in a white abyss, she looked around and eventually saw where someone named Ballsdeep69 had wrote the word first,
Pinkie Pie: What a jerk,
???: Hey we continuing this or what?
Came a voice from above, Pinkie looked up and saw it was Conker over a black screen, Pinkie jumped up and climbed into the darkness,
The darkness faded to show Pinkie standing alone in a space station,
Pinkie Pie: Conker? Hello? you there little buddy?
There was a set of deep metal clanks almost like heavy metal footsteps, Pinkie turned to face where this massive banging was coming from, It was Conker, He was now inside a giant suit of battle armour,
Conker: I guess you're not leaving soon,
Conker charged up and punched her causing her to explode on impact,
Conker: Looks like that's the end of that,
Conker smiled at the camera only to be shocked when he turned and saw a dust cloud which showed Pinkie reforming,
Conker: Fuck,
Pinkie adjusted her hair and looked back at the squirrel,
Pinkie Pie: Cool, Mechanical body dude,
Conker: OKAY, I'M RELOADING,
He charged at her and swung at her three times only to miss each time,
Pinkie Pie: Step right up little chipmunks and tiny squirrels, try your luck,
She was wearing an outfit worn by the people at the county fair and had pulled a turning wheel out of nowhere, annoyed Conker struck the wheel only for Pinkie to spin on it, He tried to hit her again and again only to miss consecutively,
Pinkie Pie: Close but no Cherrychanga,
He struck where she was standing only to miss again, Pinkie appeared right behind his head and held out a Dolli,
Pinkie Pie: Thanks for playing,
Conker hit the doll out of her hand and let out a frustrated scream, tonight he was the one getting annoyed, Pinkie was just playing with the little squirrel until eventually Conker finally got a hit off, Pinkie spun around and landed on the floor dazed and confused Conker used this opportunity to throw her deep through the back ship doors,
For a bit there was silence, until multiple Pinkie clones came running straight at him saying welcome,
Conker: Oh fuck my life,
Conker tried to battle these Pinkies but it was too much as they overpowered him, luckily he managed to get out of the armour before they destroyed it with him still inside, he quickly ran to a nearby Context sensitive switch and pulled out a last ditch effort,
Pinkie smiled and watched her clones dismantle the armour but as she continued to watch a strange feeling shot up her tail, then her legs then her whole body,
Pinkie Pie: Twitchy-Twitch,
Curious as to what her Pinkie sense was alerting her of she turned around and saw Conker flying through the air wielding a bazooka,
Conker: Say hello to my little friend,
He fired the bazooka at her leaving a huge cloud of black smoke where she stood destroying her Pinkie clones and what was left of his mechanical body, He landed on the floor with shades on not looking at the explosion behind him,
Conker: Asta la vista, baby,
That's enough of her said a thinks bubble leaving Conker's head, This poofed away and vanished when he heard a squeeky voice cheerfully exclaim,
Pinkie Pie: HI, LITTLE FRIEND,
Conker's face turned red as he turned to face the pony he thought he had blown to smithereens,
Conker: What, how are you still alive?
Pinkie Pie: My Pinkie Sense warned me you were gonna try to blow me up,
Conker: Pinkie Sense,
Suddenly Pinkie kicked him in the chest hard sending him flying out of the spaceship and back down to earth, to quickly avoid coming to a short and untimely end he turned into an anvil to survive the fall,
When Conker landed he was dazed for a bit, he looked around and saw he was in a dusty field and that he had landed on a Context Sensitive Block, he quickly pulled out his manual,
Conker: Pinkie Sense, Pinkie Sense, Pinkie Sense, Pinkie Sense,
Quickly he flipped through the pages of the booklet until he landed on a page titled Pinkie Sense, It read Pinkie Sense then followed up by three question marks, before the whole page was took over by big block capitals that read YOU'RE FUCKED!!!
Quickly Conker put down his manual and looked forward to see Pinkie running straight towards him,
Conker: This was rigged,
Pinkie then kicked Conker in the head almost as if punching him, his head went flying off his body, blood pooling everywhere,
Pinkie Pie: Phew, that was fun we should do it again sometime,
Conker's head rolled away with the letters KO! appearing over his eyes,
Results[]
Boomstick: Ooh, that's one hangover he won't be recovering from,
Pinkie Pie: Phew that was fun guys,
Wiz: Really, you're not upset you had to kill a guy?
Pinkie Pie: No, I know it's the only part of my character that you're allowed to change,
Wiz: OK, Well this fight was actually a lot closer than it first appeared,
Boomstick: See Pinkie had the lifting strength on lock but Conker was a better striker and when it came to weapons Conker was packing heat wheareas Pinkie wasn't exactly putting fools in the grave with her party cannon,
Wiz: The advantages Pinkie did have were speed and durability, Conker could dodge oncoming missiles but if we were to look at the missile he dodged we can compare it to the RS-26 Rubezh which was used byThe Russians which could move at over Mach 20 but Pinkie could move faster reacting to laser blasts from Queen Crysalis which could move at 470 km/sec,
Boomstick: Conker couldn't really take or dish out half of what Pinkie could as she could survive a bugbear, which is a creature that could destroy a whole house,
Wiz: Which would require a force of 0.6 Megajoules,
Boomstick: That's 600000 joules,
Wiz: Nothing Conker had could compare to that,
Boomstick: But none of that even mattered when compared to Pinkie's ultimate trump card her Pinkie Sense,
Wiz: Yes, see most of the levels in Conker's Bad Fur Day revolved mostly around puzzle solving but as something that I have had to learn first hand the Pinkie Sense really wasn't something that could be solved that easily,
Boomstick: Yeah, but what about Conker's immortality,
Wiz: Ahh yes, but see that wasn't full immortality, he could still die he just had multiple lives to carry on with, and if he were to comeback and try again well let's just say there's no reason why the result wouldn't be the same,
Boomstick: With Pinkie on top and Conker having a Bad Fur Day,
Wiz: Exactly,
Boomstick: Well looks like Conkering this Squirrel was as easy as Pie,
Wiz: The Winner is Pinkie Pie,
Pinkie Pie: Thanks for having me guys,
Comparison[]
The comparison between Pinkie and Conker is that they are cute little animals known for breaking and entering the fourth wall and both like to throw parties.
Next Time[]
[13] We see clockwork and a man with an old fashioned top hat placed on his head,
Then we see a floor littered with papers and a man wearing a detectives cap smoking a pipe,
We see the man in a top hat swordfight with a man in a white mask,
Then we see a shirtless man with a goatee slap his hands around a much bigger mans ears,
We see a little boy in a blue hat follow the man with a pluckish smile on his face,
We see a man in a white robe and a short blue haired man sitting on a couch laughing,
We see a young redhaired woman gently place the top hat on a man with black dotted eyes,
We see a man in a black jacket have a riding crop held by a dominatrix slide across his face,
NEXT TIME
Proffesor Layton vs Sherlock Holmes,
Sherlock: Elementary, My Dear Watson.