| Coach vs Big Smoke | |
|---|---|
| |
| Season | None |
| Season Episode | 3 |
| Air date | ? |
| Written by | Bulborb channel 3 |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Sharkface vs Monsoon |
Next Unknown |
Coach vs Big Smoke is the 3rd Death Battle by Bulborb channel 3. It pits Coach from Left 4 Dead against Big Smoke from Grand Theft Auto in a battle between overweight black men known for their love of food.
Intro[]
Person 2: When it comes to gaming, there are plenty of people we know. There's usually something that can make an iconic character.
Person 1: And for these two, they reached that by being overweight black people who like eating food.
Person 2: Coach, the one man cheeseburger apocalypse of Left 4 Dead.
Person 1: And Big Smoke, the food-loving Grove Street gangster of Grand Theft Auto.
Person 2: He's Person 1 and I'm Person 2.
Person 1: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to figure out who would win... a Death Battle.
Coach thinks this used to be a nice DEATH BATTLE![]
Person 1: The Green Flu. Despite its simple name, it was a very dangerous disease, mutating its victims into zombies. Worse, these zombies could gain special abilities.
Person 2: However, in America, it wasn’t just the army defending from the apocalypse, but some random people have also gotten good at it. Among them, in Savannah, Georgia, there was Coach.
Coach: I sure wish the Burger Tank was open. I could go for a BBQ bacon burger. And a large order of fries… an orange soda with no ice, and a… piece of hot apple pie.
Background
Real name: Unknown
Born in: Savannah, Georgia
Often uses shotguns
Used to live in a nice neighborhood
Person 1: Coach, despite his name, didn’t actually start out as some sort of teacher. He was a defensive lineman back when he was in college, but an unknown knee injury put an end to that. He was, thankfully for him, able to get a job as a high school health teacher in his.
Person 2: When the infected came from the Green Flu, Coach decided he had enough of his hometown being attacked by them, and decided to fight back alongside some complete strangers he met. Coach is the smartest of the Survivors, since he was a former health teacher and once came up with a plan to use fireworks as a rescue signal.
Person 1: Being a former football player, Coach isn’t all brains. With his big heart, healthy appetite, and wicked chainsaw swing, as described by Left 4 Dead’s official website, Coach isn’t afraid to take on zombies himself.
Arsenal
Pump Shotgun
Chrome Shotgun
Tactical Shotgun
Combat Shotgun
Desert Rifle
SIG Sauer P220 and Glock 26
Chainsaw
Baseball bat
Machete
Note: Coach is able to use virtually any weapon in the Left 4 Dead universe. As such, he could have the exact same equipment as any other Survivor and the only thing really different is his personality. As such, he will be given only weapons he prefers to use in-game and weapons he has been seen holding in other media, such as animations and artwork.
Person 2: This chainsaw can easily cut zombies in half, but it’s got a finite amount of fuel. He’s also got a baseball bat and machete. He isn’t just up for melee combat, though.
Person 1: He’s got plenty of guns, all equipped with flashlights. The basic Pump Shotgun holds 8 shells and can hit zombies from a surprising range. He prefers the Chrome Shotgun, though. It may look like it’s just the Pump Shotgun with less ammo at first, but it has by far the best range out of any shotgun at the cost of the lowest pellets fired per shot. The Combat Shotgun fires the lowest only 9 pellets, but has 10 shells and uses its semi-automatic fire rate.
Person 2: And the Tactical Shotgun has 10 shells, like the Combat Shotgun, but also fires the most pellets. In addition, Coach carries the Desert Rifle, which fires 3-round bursts and has 60 rounds in a single magazine.
Person 1: As a sidearm, Coach carries a P220. It holds 15 rounds that aren’t exactly very strong, but this gun makes up for it by having infinite magazines. He also couples this with a Glock 26, which is basically the same thing, but without a flashlight.
Person 2: Finally, he’s got a grenade, the Bile Bomb. This thing was made from the vomit of one of the zombies, the Boomer. But why would anyone use it? A jar of puke isn’t exactly gonna do much except maybe blind zombies.
Person 1: The Boomer’s vomit attracts zombies, So this grenade was developed primarily as a method of distraction, luring zombies towards areas far away so that Coach doesn’t need to deal with them, which can also save up ammo.
Feats
Came up with a plan to use fireworks as a signal light
Launched a Common Infected through the air
Able to stand in acid without corroding
Strong enough to hurt other Survivors
Survived punches from Tanks
Killed multiple Special Infected
Person 2: Coach is pretty strong. A single punch from him can knock over zombies and with a baseball bat, he can easily send them flying through the air. As each Survivor appears to be on par with each other, we should be able to compare him to Bill, who crushed a zombie’s head with his foot. He’s also pretty durable. Despite just being a football player and teacher, he’s somehow able to survive bullets, punches that could destroy walls, and acid.
Person 1: Every Survivor is equal in durability, so that would make Coach on par with these other people who were able to survive having a helicopter thrown at them so hard it blew up. Survivors have also been able to hurt each other with their weapons, so this should definitely be noted for Coach’s strength.
Person 2: Yeah, Coach, as simple as his name is, is no pushover, being a former athlete and all. However, he’s got his own flaws. Even though his guns have plenty of ammo, he can still run out. In addition, his love for food has distracted him before.
Coach: If I see a zombie running at me with a sample tray, I ain’t shootin’ it.
Person 1: Eventually, Coach and his fellow Survivors made it to a rescue helicopter, fighting off Special Infected as they did so. However, it was from the military. The issue here is that in order to get the rescue to come to him, Coach had to admit he was a Carrier, someone who is immune to the infection, but can still pass it to others.
Person 2: Well, the military had been killing off every Carrier they found. Coach and his allies didn’t know about this, though. What happens next is unknown. He could have died. He could have escaped like some other Survivors.
Person 1: In the end, Coach was never one to die waiting on salvation. Long as he and his team had guns, they’d fight.
Coach: And if we run out of bullets? Baby, they gonna wish we hadn’t.
Big Smoke picked the right DEATH BATTLE![]
Person 1: Los Santos, San Andreas. A city known for tearing itself apart. It’s virtually flooded with drugs and gang members. Several gangs were being formed, all out to kill each other. Among the biggest rivals were the Ballas and the Grove Street Families.
Person 2: The Grove Street Families was named after the place they live in, Grove Street. Sweet was their leader, Carl left the city in order to escape all of the trouble, and Big Smoke? Well, he eats food… a lot.
Smoke: I’ll have 2 number 9s, a number 9 Large, a number 6 with extra dip, 2 number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.
Background
Real name: Unknown
Former Grove Street Families member
Owns a drug-manufacturing building
Made one of the longest restaurant orders you will ever here
Person 1: Smoke is a gang member known for his huge appetite, making long orders at restaurants, and attacking anyone who walks into his house.
Person 2: Big Smoke’s past is rather mysterious. However, he was given some money from his late aunt and used that to move out of Grove Street and into Ballas territory. Why? Well, he’s a traitor.
Person 1: Smoke is primarily motivated by three things, money, power, and food. Well, maybe not the last one. Likely believing the Ballas could give him the first two by selling drugs, he joined them. It also shows he isn’t afraid of betraying his childhood friends if he thinks it can benefit him. While “working” with the Grove Street Families, he always tried to get CJ to help him with tasks that didn’t benefit the gang. And like any tough gang member, he carries quite a few weapons.
Arsenal
Baseball bat
9mm
Combat Shotgun
Tec9
Micro SMG
AK47
Bulletproof vest
Night vision goggles
Person 2: Smoke’s got a basic baseball bat as his primary weapon, which he can easily kill people with. However, he’s also got plenty of guns. His basic 9mm pistol has 17 bullets, making it an effective sidearm.
Person 1: The Micro SMG appears to be based on a Micro Uzi and has 50 bullets. Meanwhile, the Tec9 also has 50 shots. To top off his selection of full-auto weapons, he carries his trusty AK47, which has 30 ammo.
Person 2: He also carries a SPAS-12, the Combat Shotgun. This shotgun has up to 7 shells and uses a semi-automatic fire rate.
Feats
Ate a very large amount of Cluckin' Bell food
Survived multiple gunshots
Survived tear gas
Nobody figured out he was with the Ballas for a long time
Survived several explosions
Fought CJ
Person 1: Despite being a fat man who eats a lot of junk food, he’s surprisingly durable, seeing as grenades, satchel charges, tear gas, and even an RPG-7, of all things, were nigh-useless against him.
Person 2: What the hell? He couldn’t have become that tough from Cluckin’ Bell’s food. Or could he have? Maybe I should start eating from there.
Person 1: Don’t. Just… don’t. It causes blindness, heart disease, brain shrinkage, and many other side effects, so it’s kind of a miracle he’s even alive after eating their food.
Person 2: Fine.
Person 1: Plus, Smoke’s got some flaws. His weapons have limited ammo, which can easily leave him open. He does show some arrogance, believing he’s better than others. And he’s also been distracted before by food, prioritizing on eating it before fighting.
Ryder: Smoke, stop stuffing your face and start popping them Ballas.
Smoke: I’m trying to enjoy my food.
Person 1: One day, the Grove Street Families’ leader, Sweet, decided to launch an attack against the Ballas. However, Smoke and his friend, Ryder, left the Grove Street Families and used this knowledge to set up a trap with the Ballas and a set of corrupt police officers. However, Sweet’s brother, CJ, managed to hold off the Ballas for some time.
Person 2: The police then showed up, arresting Sweet and dragging CJ out of the city. Since these were the same officers working with the Ballas, Smoke and Ryder got off scot-free. Smoke then hid out inside his drug-manufacturing lab, now thinking of himself as an unbeatable success while also caring less about others.
Person 1: This place was completely locked down. Nothing could get in… except for CJ, who hijacked a tank and smashed through the wall. This allowed CJ to make it to the top and fight Smoke.
Person 2: But his old friend didn’t come unprepared. He brought an extremely durable bulletproof vest. A bunch of bullets weren’t enough to break it. He also switched off the lights and used some night vision goggles to blind him. However, this all wasn’t enough.
Person 1: As tough of an opponent as Smoke was, CJ proved to be better, killing him. Smoke was finally dead, but he left behind a legacy. It shows he was right. When he’s gone, he knew everyone would remember his name… Big Smoke.
Smoke: Cap your ass. And your ass. You want too? Ice cold, baby! I knew I was the chosen one!
Death Battle[]
Person: Alright, the combatants are set.
Person: Let's end this debate once and for all.
Across the night streets, a man ran down the road. He was firing at a group of zombies chasing him. He quickly shot each of them with a blue pump action shotgun. He was an overweight black man with a blue shirt and no hair. He was simply known as Coach. He was also carrying a pair of pistols, another shotgun on his back along with a chainsaw and assault rifle, and a jar with a green liquid on his side. His fellow teammates were assisting. One of them was a man in a fancy suit, holding his Magnum. He had brown hair. The next one was a young man wearing a blue and white cap and a yellow shirt, holding his Sniper Rifle. The last one was a black woman with black hair and a pink shirt, holding an AK-47. Suddenly, a zombie with a large right arm ran through, grabbing Coach and dragging him away. The man in the suit quickly reacted.
”Shit! That Charger’s got Coach
He and the woman began firing at the Charger with their weapons. The other man began firing. However, the Charger soon managed to get out of the range of all their weapons, disappearing into the distance.
The Charger ended up smashing straight into a wall, destroying it. He began slamming Coach against the floor. Two men carrying assault rifles arrived and shot the Charger, killing it. Coach got up and looked at these men. They had black, white, and purple clothes.
Coach: Thanks. Who are you guys?
However, the two men simply raised their guns. They were actually Ballas. Thinking Coach was part of some sort of enemy gang, they weren’t willing to hesitate to kill him. They began firing, but Coach jumped out of the way and brought up his shotgun. He quickly fired two shots, killing them.
The Survivor simply decided to travel upstairs in hopes of figuring out why they attacked him. On the way, he encountered more Ballas trying to kill him, so he simply dispatched them. He knew something was off because if those men were the Infected, they wouldn’t have used guns. He finally made it to the top floor.
This was a large room with a kitchen, stairs, a TV, just about everything. Coach looked around, lowering his gun. There didn’t seem to be anyone around. He figured he might be able to find some extra ammo or other weapons.
”YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE, FOOL!
As soon as he heard it, he saw an overweight black man, just like him, running down the stairs and holding a baseball bat, looking at him. This man, however, weas wearing a green shirt, a black bowler hat, and glasses. He was Big Smoke. Coach simply raised his hands in front of himself.
Coach: Hey, hey, hey. Chill, chill.
Smoke: And what makes you think I’ll do that after you broke into my drug manufacturing building and killed my fellow gang members?
Coach: They attacked me first.
Smoke: What gang sent you? Has CJ decided he should send someone else after me?
Coach: What? Who the hell is CJ?
Smoke: It was almost certainly CJ who sent you. I’ve seen him not represent his gang before, so I wouldn’t be surprised to find another person doin’ the same. Well, when this shit’s over, you’re gonna remember my name… Big Smoke!
(Music should be at 6:49)
Fight!
Bang
Upon seeing Smoke charging towards him, Coach immediately raised his Chrome Shotgun. He pulled the trigger as a blast of pellets flew towards the gang member. However, he had a blue vest that stopped the pellets. Coach fired another round, but the same thing happened. Smoke had the chance to close the gap between them, striking the teacher’s face.
Smoke followed up with two more strikes, one hitting his side and the other hitting his leg. Coach tripped from the second attack, causing him to drop his Chrome Shotgun. He rolled as Smoke brought down his bat, before picking himself up again and grabbing his gun. He jabbed the gang member’s face with it before turning it around, unloading more rounds. Even after emptying the rest of the clip, Smoke was still standing. It looked as though he had only taken minor damage.
Coach began reloading as he backed away from another swing. He grabbed a couple of shells and inserted them into his gun. Smoke rushed forwards, spinning his bat around before swinging it. Once again, the teacher dodged and fired. A pellet chipped Smoke’s leg, but that was about all the damage done.
Suddenly, the gang member took out a pistol and began firing while putting away his baseball bat. Coach ran and fired another shot, but it didn’t do much. The teacher leaped behind the kitchen table. He fired a few more rounds and ducked under the furniture. Smoke hid behind a nearby post.
The two kept firing, but soon needed to reload. Smoke simply took out a different weapon. Coach tried to find more shells, but he didn’t have any. He had used up nearly all of them against the Infected. He realized this was going to use up more ammo than he normally expected, so he simply took out some basic weapons.
Upon grabbing a P220 and Glock, he popped up from behind his cover and prepared to fire. The gang member, meanwhile, took out his AK47 and opened fire as soon as he saw Coach. The teacher ducked again while firing a few rounds. Both of them were hit by bullets. Smoke began walking forwards while firing. Coach stayed behind the table and hoped to not get hit.
He managed to outlast Smoke, who ran out of ammo. He popped up again and continued unloading rounds into the gang member. However, it did very little. Smoke was somehow walking through all of this and all it felt like to him was a couple punches. Sure, Coach has seen people take this kind of punishment, but he noted that those people were actually zombies. This was something else.
Coach: What the hell? How are you still alive?
Smoke: I’m a success! I can’t be touched!
The gang member put away his assault rifle and smacked Coach again with his baseball bat, sending him stumbling toward the entrance to the room. Coach hit the wall. He looked up and saw Smoke reaching for his AK47. He needed to distract him, and had an idea. The football player’s hand reached for a green jar he had been carrying. He threw it.
Coach: Heads up!
Crash
Coach chucked the jar at Big Smoke as if he was playing football, shattering and spilling its green contents all over him. The gang member was blinded. What Coach had thrown was the Bile Bomb. All the green liquid was vomit.
Smoke: What the fuck did you just throw at me?!
Coach was slightly concerned about what would happen next, but he wouldn’t be the first target of some unexpected intruders, so he grabbed his pistols and left to find supplies. Smoke, meanwhile, had regained his vision. He saw Coach had run off, so he walked over to a box with something in it.
Smoke: Alright. Guess you wanna do this shit, then.
He grabbed a SPAS-12 and began walking out the entrance, ready to head down to find the teacher. Big Smoke was heading down, still covered in puke. He then saw zombies heading towards him, leaving him confused. He didn’t think about it too much, and just began firing at them, each shot easily taking them out. By the time he was done, he only had one shell left, so he began reloading.
Coach was now in the Ballas Lounge, but didn’t find much. There was no spare ammunition, which was what he hoped for. His Chrome Shotgun was practically useless due to having no ammo. Spare guns were nonexistent and had only been used by the gang members he killed. Laser sights and ammo upgrades weren’t there. Suddenly, he saw zombies heading in his direction. But they just passed by him. Coach knew they were attracted to the Bile Bomb he threw earlier. He simply continued his search.
Coach still hadn’t found anything. However, something found him. He was just heading out of an area with several green and red crates in it. There were some boxes that didn’t have anything in them. The most useful thing he found was a fire extinguisher, which he didn’t need, and a random wooden baseball bat. Suddenly, a blast of pellets nearly hit him. Turning around he grabbed his own SPAS-12 while noticing Big Smoke had caught up with him.
Bang
They both fired their Combat Shotguns at the same time, the pellets canceling each other out. Coach hid behind a wall while Smoke did the same. Smoke fired a few rounds in hopes of the pellets spreading out and getting lucky hits on Coach, but they didn’t. This left him with no ammo. Coach began pelting at him with his Combat Shotgun, which Smoke avoided by taking cover again. Coach vaulted over a crate while firing with one hand.
When he did this, he used up the last shot he had, allowing Smoke to pop out and fire at him. Coach tried to take cover, but he was blasted by multiple rounds from the gangster’s Combat Shotgun. The Survivor dropped his own Combat Shotgun from the attacks and grabbed his P220 and Glock 26. Smoke took cover as Coach began firing. He decided to take out his own pistols.
Smoke: Let’s see how you like this!
He came out of cover with his 9mm and began firing, but at the same time, he also took out his Tec9 and held it in his right hand before firing. Coach tried to jump over the crates while firing. They shot each other again, but Smoke landed more hits. Their bullets sent their pistols flying away. Coach grabbed the baseball bat he found and raised it while Big Smoke grabbed his own baseball bat. Smoke charged forwards and attacked Coach.
They swung at each other, the strikes canceling each other out. Coach quickly kicked the gang member and headed behind him. Smoke spun his baseball bat around again and jabbed Coach’s midsection. He slammed his bat into the Survivor’s back. Coach quickly elbowed his face and turned around.
Wham
Crash
The football player swung his baseball bat into Big Smoke’s face. This launched him across the room and sent him smashing into the wall. The gang member got up, despite the injury. He suddenly pulled out a Micro Uzi and opened fire. Coach ran off into the next room. He was hit a couple of times, but the rest of the bullets simply hit the wall.
Coach ran into a large room with a few more crates and dead Ballas. He decided to catch his breath. Smoke arrived and flipped a light switch. The lights went out as Coach looked around. He pulled out an assault rifle while breathing. Smoke put on a pair of goggles. He took out his AK47. From his perspective, he could see Coach thanks to his night vision goggles.
Coach saw several muzzle flashes through the dark. He fired three rounds in their direction while being shot at. He backed away in order to avoid being hit, but tripped over a set of crates. Smoke was firing at him. The Survivor took cover behind the crates. Suddenly, a light came from his Desert Rifle. He was glad his guns had flashlights. He looked up and began aiming around.
Upon seeing Big Smoke, he fired four bursts of bullets, which Smoke dodged. Coach squeezed the trigger while Big Smoke did the same, firing multiple bullets. Coach fired several bursts from his Desert Rifle while trying to dodge AK47 shots. While doing so, he managed to shine some light over the switch. He began heading towards it while dodging gunfire. However, Smoke closed the gap and took out his baseball bat with one hand. He swung it, disarming Coach. He followed up with a strike to his side.
Coach, however, quickly slapped him. Thanks to the flashlight attached to his now-missing gun, he knew where the light switch was. He reached for it and flicked it, turning on the lights and giving away Smoke’s position. Smoke tried to swing his baseball bat again. Coach dodged and took out another weapon, but it wasn’t a gun.
Coach: Alright.
Rrrrrrrrrrrr
Smoke: Holy shit…
Coach: Chew on this!
The health teacher whipped out a chainsaw from his back and revved it up, ready to cut the gangster down to size. Smoke brought up his baseball bat and swung it, but the chainsaw easily cut it in half. Coach swung again, slicing Smoke’s left arm and causing him to grunt while dropping what was left of his weapon.
Coach: How do you like that, huh?
Smoke grabbed his AK47 and reloaded it while Coach ran towards him. He shot at the Survivor, who blocked the bullets by raising his chainsaw in front of him. This let him close the distance and cut the AK47 in half, much like with the baseball bat. Coach prepared to impale the gangster with his weapon, but it suddenly slowed and stopped. It was out of fuel.
Coach: Dammit.
He tossed away his weapon. The only way he figured they could settle this now was with their fists. He raised his hands up, waiting for Smoke to do the same. However, that was when he remembered Smoke had another weapon. Coach’s eyes widened as he prepared to run.
Ratatatatatatat
Big Smoke aimed his submachine gun at Coach and fired a few more rounds, nearly knocking him onto the floor. Coach threw a punch in an attempt to hit him. Smoke dodged, but Coach continued punching. The gang member still had his night vision goggles on, so, while dodging punches, he switched off the lights again. This left Coach in the dark, unable to see. Several more rounds hit him from behind, bringing him to the ground. Coach fell on his back and felt Smoke’s foot on him. The gang member pointed his Micro SMG at Coach’s head. The health teacher quickly thought of a plan.
Smoke: Any last words, fool?
Coach: Yeah.
He pulled out his Chrome Shotgun, aiming at where he guessed Smoke’s head was, based on where his foot had been placed. He had no ammo, but that wasn’t what he was planning. The shotgun’s flashlight activated, shining in Smoke’s eyes. The gang member staggered back from the bright flash of light. Coach got up and punched him, knocking him onto the ground. He raised his Chrome Shotgun.
Coach: This used to be a nice neighborhood!
Crack
(Music stops)
The stock of the Chrome Shotgun impaled Big Smoke’s head, causing blood to leak out of it. Coach pulled his shotgun out of the dead gang member’s skull and began walking outside of the building. He hoped he could find his team or some medical supplies, preferably both. That gang member had put up a huge fight and left him with several wounds.
And because of it, he was always gonna remember the name “Big Smoke”.
K.O!
Results[]
Person 2: We should’ve added more food to that…
Person 1: Despite what it may look like, this was somewhat one-sided, but not without a few issues blocking Coach’s victory. Big Smoke was slightly tougher than we expected.
Person 2: Indeed. Smoke has trained to use guns, while Coach just picked them up and used them to defend himself from the Infected. As a result, Coach was less skilled due to having no training. Plus, Smoke has constantly fought off other people with guns, something Coach never did either.
Person 1: But that’s about where his advantages end. They’ve both demonstrated that they can be tactical in combat, but since Coach used to be a teacher while all Smoke did was fool some people who have unknown intelligence, Coach is almost certainly smarter. He also had more weapons, allowing him to keep up easily.
Person 2: However, the most important thing to take into account was their physicality. As far a speed goes, Smoke’s only a normal human, and with Coach being an athlete, we can say he probably has a small speed advantage.
Person 1: Strength and durability were something else, though. On paper, they may look even. Coach scales to someone who crushes skulls and fights Infected that could tear through walls while Smoke could survive explosions and uses weapons that can hurt him. However, there’s a catch. Smoke’s feats are outliers. He’s been hurt and killed by regular bullets, so it wouldn’t make much sense for him to shrug off an explosion from superior weapons without a scratch.
Person 2: It would’ve made more sense if he at least got hurt by them. And his bulletproof vest didn’t exactly help much. Since CJ did manage to kill him, it’s pretty obvious it could only take so much damage. Since Coach is using superior weapons, he could certainly overtax it faster. Coach's physicality, intelligence, and weaponry easily dwarfed the skill and experience of his foe, who was left Smoked.
Coach (Winner):
+Stronger
+Faster
+More durable
+Smarter
+More weapons
-No training
-No experience against gun users
Big Smoke (Loser):
+Has actual training
+Has actual experience against gun users
-Weaker
-Slower
-Less durable
-Dumber
-Fewer weapons
Person 1: The winner is Coach.
Original Track[]
The original track for this fight would be called "This Used to Be a Nice City". It is a refence to one of Coach's most iconic quotes and Los Santos, the city where Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas takes place.
Connections[]
The connections between Coach and Big Smoke are that they are both food-loving overweight black men from video games. Both of them are also known for creating food-related memes.