| Cinematic Catwoman Battle Royale | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Season 6, Episode 6 | |
| Air date | August 21, 2021 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Mary Poppins vs. Pennywise |
Next Strax vs. Worf |
Cinematic Catwoman Battle Royale is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features four different portrayals of Catwoman as seen in four different movies!
Description[]
Catwoman, she’s one of Batman’s most popular opponents, appearing in three of his live-action movies, and even one of her own. Today we bring together those four Catwomen for a true Battle Royale!
Interlude[]
Boomstick: The Joker, Mr. Freeze, Bane, Condiment King. Batman always had the most interesting villains. But none has been more popular that his feline frenemy, Catwoman.
Wiz: She has appeared in three of the live-action Batman movie, and even starred in a movie all her own.
Boomstick: Four Catwomen, that’s quite a pack.
Wiz: Clowder, actually.
Boomstick: Wiz, you just like making words up to look more brainy, don’t you?
Wiz: No, it’s just that I am something of a lexicographer.
Boomstick: Argh! You’re doing it again!
[Boomstick punches Wiz, sending him flying off camera.]
Boomstick: Anyway, it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
[Wiz is heard groaning off camera.]
Catwoman ‘66[]
Boomstick: The year was 1966: gasoline cost 32 cents a gallon, Lyndon Baines Johnson was President of the United States, author Ken Kesey threw his first "Acid Test" party, and Lee Meriwether was the first actress to wear the catsuit in a movie.
Wiz: Unbeknownst to...
Boomstick: Argh! He's doing it again!
Wiz: Sheesh! OK, small words. Behind Batman's back, without his knowing it, Catwoman, the Riddler, the Penquin and the Joker formed a league of supervillains called the United Underworld. Unable to defeat Batman individually, they pooled their resources, and launch a scheme as cunning as a fox who’s just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University.
Boomstick: At the base of the scheme is a device invented by an Englishman named Commodore Schmidlapp. This geegaw...
Wiz: Wait, doesn't that count as a big word?
Boomstick: Wiz, don't be such pleb. Anyway, this device can instantly dehydrate a person, reducing him down to a small pile of dust.
Wiz: The villains moved quickly to take control of the Commodore and his invention. And then, they began putting their schemes into operation.
Boomstick: First, they set some traps for Batman, to lure him away from their real target – the United World Organization's Security Council. Wait! That sounds familiar, that’s a real thing, right?
Wiz: Not quite. Keep thinking about it, you’ll figure it out. Anyway, another part of their scheme is for Catwoman to go undercover as a Soviet journalist named Kitayna Ireyna Tatanya Kerenska Alisoff, or Miss Kitka for short.
Boomstick: “Soviet,” that sounds familiar. Wiz, what’s a Soviet?
Wiz: Oh, good grief! Never mind! Miss Kitka lures Bruce Wayne into a trap, and kidnapping him, in another attempt to lure Batman away. But, little do they realize that Bruce Wayne, also known as Batman, has fallen in love with her.
Boomstick: The Bruce Wayne / Batdude does everything in his power to rescue Miss Kitka, but is positively crushed when, during a fight, Catwoman’s mask falls off, and he realizes that one of his greatest enemies is actually the woman he loves.
Wiz: During the course of the movie, we see very little of Catwoman fighting, and as such, we need to go back to the television show that the movie was concurrent with, the 1966 to 1968 television series.
Boomstick: Except that that’s not a lot of help. You see, in the 1960, the American public would not have put up with a man beating up on a woman. As such, that Catwoman rarely ever got in the fight.
Wiz: Whether it was Julie Newmar, Eartha Kitt, or Lee Meriwether, Catwoman stood back, letting her male lackeys fight the Dynamic Duo, while she simply stood there and watched the action.
Boomstick: If there was an opportune moment, Catwoman would attack Batman or Robin from behind, usually attempting to knock them off of whatever they were standing on, or just plain knock them down.
Wiz: There’s little reason to believe that her formfitting outfit was armored, but the one weapon that she always carried, or perhaps I should say, the ten weapons that she always carried were the claws that were a part of her gloves. These claws were razor sharp, and could even cut glass, showing that they were probably made of diamonds.
Boomstick: She was also shown to be rather athletic, being able to easily and gracefully perform gymnastic feats. And, she seemed to be able to escape deadly situations, with this perhaps being part of her entire “nine-lives,” bit.
Wiz: Now, in the television series, she did have access to some fantastic weapons, but as this battle is employing the movie Catwoman, she will have to make do with what she had there; her claws and her wits.
Boomstick: So, while this Catwoman was not much of a brawler, she is a dangerous opponent to turn your back on... Hey, that rather sounds like my ex-wife. I wonder...
Catwoman '66: [meows] You're going to see the purr-fect crime, when I get Batman in my claws! https://youtu.be/5LqN0DF7FGU
Catwoman ’92[]
Wiz: The year was 1992: American President George H. W. Bush and Russian President Boris Yeltsin jointly announced that the Cold War was over, serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was sentenced to 15 terms of life imprisonment, IBM developed the *first* smartphone, and Michelle Pfeiffer became the second actress to don the catsuit.
Boomstick: In this movie, we actually get some backstory for Catwoman. We first meet Selina Kyle as the lonely and frustrated secretary of mega-rich industrialist and narcissist Max Shreck.
Wiz: It turned out that Shreck...
Boomstick: No, not the ogre.
Wiz: Shut up, Boomstick. Anyway, it turned out that Schreck had a plan to take control of Gotham City, and when Selina learned about it, he decided that she was now a security risk.
Boomstick: And, he decided to get rid of the risk by chucking Selina out the nearest window.
Wiz: She fell a long way, crashing through several canvas awnings, and slammed to a stop in a dark Gotham alley. Was she dead, or was she merely knocked unconscious? It’s impossible to say. But, a group of neighborhood cats, many of whom Selina had fed from her apartment window, showed up, and succeeded in reviving her.
Boomstick: However, this Selina Kyle was definitely NOT the Selina Kyle who did the swan dive out the high-rise window. Out was the mousy nonentity who mooned over Shreck (no, not the ogre.) and in was a psychotic vigilante who was going to change the world...by force.
Wiz: After destroying her own belongings, she sewed herself a cat costume, and hit the streets. When she came upon a man attacking a woman, she quickly kicked the shiznit out of him, and then left him with a scratched up face, as a reminder.
Boomstick: But, Selina never forgot the man who really did her wrong: Max Shreck. (Right, not the ogre guy.)
Wiz: I wish you would stop that.
Boomstick: This particular Shreck owned a department store, so Catwoman paid the place an after-hours visit. She chased out the security guards, broke a gas line, rigged a microwave oven to explode, and hit the street. The resulting explosion blew out the entire ground floor of the building.
Wiz: Witnessing this, the Penguin decided he liked what he saw, and he sought out Catwoman as an ally against Batman. However, this turned out to be an unstable alliance, as Catwoman was made uncomfortable by the lethality of Penguin’s plan, while Penguin was made uncomfortable by Catwoman’s skin-tight outfit.
Boomstick: But, Penguin never really figured in Catwoman’s plans, so she moved on to a final confrontation with the big, green guy, and used a high-voltage power line to fry them both. But, a cat has nine lives, so she was there at the end, still stalking the heights of Gotham City.
Wiz: Now, this Catwoman is not afraid to get her hands...er, paws, dirty. She went toe-to-toe with the Batman, and threw him off a building, rescuing him at the last second with her whip. She demonstrated a good command of hand-to-hand combat, and what was apparently mastery of the whip.
Boomstick: She was able to do some pretty amazing things with her whip, but her best weapon is the claws that she created for herself. But, what makes them really formidable is a superhuman strength that she shows off. When she destroyed Shreck's store, she punched right through a metal door for the gas line, and then simply tore it off. And, when she fought Batman, she succeeded in punching right through his armor, inflicting some a fair amount of damage on him.
Wiz: But, a strange power that this Catwoman has is that she literally has nine lives. Throughout the movie, things happen that should have occurred to her that should have killed her, but luckily didn't. For example, she was thrown off of several buildingsm and had something break her fall, and she was repeatedly shot at close range and none of the wounds were apparently deadly
Boomstick: But, most wickedly, when she cornered the ogre, she ripped down a very heavy electric line, and the used it to fry them both. Hell hath no fury, eh Wiz?
Wiz: No, indeed, and this also did not kill her. So, this Catwoman is a tough opponent, deadly and very difficult to kill!
Boomstick: Or easy to kill, but you have to do it nine times. It all depends on how you look at it!
Catwoman '92: I am Catwoman, hear me roar.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElLVEZc4n4I
Catwoman ‘04[]
Wiz: The year was 2004: American President George W. Bush was elected to a second term, the Boston Red Sox won the World Series for the first time since 1918, a giant tsunami swept across the Indian Ocean, affecting 14 countries, and Halle Berry became the third actress to take the Catwoman mantle.
Boomstick: This Catwoman had a real difference. First of all, she was actually the star of the movie! But, second of all, she was not Selina Kyle!
Wiz: Patience Phillips was a rather mousy young woman, working in the art department of a large beauty products company. One day, while working late on a project, she overheard a conversation where the company’s chief researcher was talking to someone about the fact that their newest beauty cream was defective and would cause long-term damage to anyone who used it.
Boomstick: Sadly for her, they discovered that Patience had overheard the conversation, and sent someone to kill her. She hid in the building’s sewer pipes, which turned out to be a really, really bad idea. Anyway, the man chasing her ordered the pipes flushed, which drowned the young woman, silencing her permanently.
Wis: But, when Patience’ body washed up on the shore, a group of neighborhood cats, many of whom Patience had fed from her apartment window, showed up, and succeeded in reviving her.
Boomstick: Yeah, I guess that this is something that cats just do sometimes. Weird. Anyway, Patience found her way to some creepy cat lady, who informed her that she had been selected by the Egyptian cat-goddess Bast to be the latest incarnation of the Catwoman., and gave her a mask to begin a costume.
Wiz: However, Patience knew exactly what she wanted to accomplish, she wanted to find out exactly why she was murdered. She began her investigation, but when the company’s chief researcher turned up dead, she was accused of his murder, and became wanted by the police.
Boomstick: Eventually, her investigation led her to Laurel Hedare, the wife of the beauty company’s owner, and the one who was really running the show...including ordering Patience’s death. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the two ladies fought it out, and Catwoman emerged victorious.
Wiz: Now, the first thing to discuss is whether or not Patience Phillips is truly Catwoman. In fact, she is recognized as a part of the DC Universe, though a part that is unlikely to appear in any other medium.
Boomstick: Yeah, the big screen was a small medium for Patience Phillips. But, have...patience, DC, like Marvel, never lets a character go for good.
Wiz: Anyway, as Catwoman, Patience has some amazing powers. She can leap extraordinary distances, and demonstrates extraordinary gymnastic abilities, including using her claws to run up vertical walls. She was able to lift up Police Officer Tom Lone, and set him on a <cough> catwalk. She was even flexible enough to pull her hand out of a pair of handcuffs, and even slip between the bars of her jail cell.
Boomstick: When it comes to fighting, Patience is a rather dangerous opponent. Her style of fighting is remarkably acrobatic, with her being able to move so fast that she can seem to disappear, if her opponent’s attention wanders for even a second.
Wiz: As for weapons, Patience relies primarily on her fists, but she has made herself a pair of diamond-clawed gloves. She also, at times, employs a 12-foot long bullwhip.
Boomstick: She is an impressive opponent, extremely dangerous, and perhaps the only Catwoman with true super-powers.
Catwoman '04: Cats come when they feel like it. Not when they're told.
Catwoman ‘12[]
Wiz: The year was 2012: gasoline cost three dollars and ninety one cents a gallon, Barack Obama became the first African-American President of the United States, Marvel’s The Avengers became one of the highest grossing movies of all time, and Anne Hathaway was the fourth actress to wear the catsuit in a movie.
Boomstick: In this movie, we get no backstory for “The Cat,” outside of some basic facts.
Wiz: Selina Kyle grew up on the streets, stealing only what she couldn’t afford...and that was everything. She grew into a famous cat burglar, who could break into just about anywhere. And this eventually brought her to the attention of a man with a plan, a man named Bane.
Boomstick: The gasmasked supervillain arranged for the Cat to break into stately Wayne Manor, where she obtained Bruce Wayne’s fingerprints. She also kicked Wayne’s cane out from underneath him, unceremoniously dumping him onto his ass, and showing that the mighty had indeed fallen.
Wiz: It seems that Selina’s payoff for the job was to be a super-secret “clean-slate” program that would wipe her very existence off of every database in the world. After fighting the cronies of the man who had hired her, Selina was disappointed to learn that such a program sounded too good to be true because it was, there was no such program.
Boomstick: Batman was on the trail of the Bane, and asked for Selina’s help in finding the man. She did this by leading him right to Bane, and leaving him there to be killed by the baddy. She then attempted to flee Gotham City, but was arrested at the airport.
Wiz: When Bane began his siege of Gotham, he freed the prisoners in the city’s jails, including the Cat. Confronted by Batman with the news that Bane is going to use a nuclear bomb to destroy the city, she helps him to save the day. After the supposed death of Batman/Bruce Wayne, the two of them head off together, starting a new life, with Selina having finally gotten her clean slate.
Boomstick: Now, unlike some of the others, this Catwoman did not get her abilities through some sort of cat-magic. Instead, she had to work for everything that she has. She is apparently a highly-trained martial artist. She has fought opponents one at a time, two at a time, and once she even took on a group of mercenaries. Although Batman did arrive to help her out, she faced and fought a number of them by herself.
Wiz: Though she does not carry a gun, if she takes one off of an opponent, she has shown herself as willing to use it to help her come out on top, much to the chagrin of Batman.
Boomstick: The one weapon that she does carry, or perhaps I should say the two weapons that she carries, are a pair of blades that make the high heels of her boots. They give a little extra kick to her...kicks.
Wiz: She also carries a piece of equipment. The cat ears of her costume are actually a pair of flip-down high-tech goggles. We never did get to see what they do, but it is likely that they function as night vision goggles.
Boomstick: So, she’s bad-assed and reasonably well-equipped. This Catwoman is nobody to trifle with. She fights like a warrior, and she takes no prisoners!
Catwoman '12: What's the matter, Cat got your tongue?
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight []
"Felix! Leo!" Catwoman '66 yelled.
Felix left off of where he was arranging Catwoman's pussy willows, and shuffled over to his mistress's throne-like chair. The much-taller Leo joined him, and both waited for her command.
"Get my car," she ordered them imperiously. "I've got to go meet the Riddler."
She stood up, and then she teetered, as if dizzy. She put her hand on her head, and suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The two henchmen looked at each other, and then Felix reached his hand out and waived it through the air where Catwoman had been. The two men looked at each other again.
Catwoman '66 spun on her heel. She was suddenly standing in a warehouse, with stacks of boxes, crates and barrels of all sizes.
A tall, thin, ginger-haired man was walking away from her, his shape passing in and out of pools of light that shone from above. Catwoman took a breath, about to call out angrily to the man, when suddenly he lifted his right arm and snapped his fingers.
Off to the man's right, there was a puff of smoke, and a woman appeared out of thin air. She was wearing a sort of catsuit, but it was shiny, and sewed together clumsily, as if done by someone who didn't know what they were doing. She assumed a fighting stance, raised her hands, and bared a set of wicked-looking claws.
Catwoman '66 stepped back into the darkness, trying to be unseen.
The tall man raised his left arm and snapped his fingers. Off to his left, there was a puff of smoke, and a woman appeared. She was wearing a surprisingly revealing catsuit. She dropped down to the ground, on one knee and her hands. She arched her back, as if ready to spring.
Once more time, the man raised his right hand, and snapped his fingers. There was another puff of smoke, and another Catwoman appeared. This one's outfit was similar to Catwoman '66's outfit, but lacked the gold belt. She reached up and grabbed her cat ears, and pulled them down over her eyes. Catwoman '66 saw that the "ears" were actually some sort of goggles.
The four Catwomen surveyed their surroundings, and then each other. Then, they turned to look at the strange man.
The tall man leaped off of the ground, and then leaped from box to box, up to the top of the pile, demonstrating a superhuman agility.
He turned and sat down on the tallest box, but when he turned, his coat swirled open to expose that he was covered head-to-toe in ginger-colored fur. His face was cat-like, and cat ears stood up from the top of his head. The four Catwomen stared at him.
Finally, Catwoman '12 stepped forward.
"Why are we here, and who are you?" She asked angrily.
The cat-man's head seemed to be constantly in motion, as he surveyed the room and the women below him.
He reached up a clawed finger, scratched his cheek, and answered, "As to who I am, you can call me...Macavity, if it pleases you."
Catwoman '92 laughed, and purred, "How terribly droll." She walked over and sat down on a barrel, twitching her feet left and right.
Catwoman '04 sashayed forward. Catwoman '66 thought that if ever a woman strutted, it was this one. "All right, *Macavity*, answer the other question, why are we here?" '04 demanded in a soft but strong voice.
Macavity looked down at the woman, and smiled. The man's pointed teeth gave his smile a feral look.
"You of all people should know," he growled in a surprisingly deep voice. "All right, let me start at the beginning...the very beginning. No, even earlier... “In the time before men, there was Bast. She was the daughter of the Sun, the protector. She was loving and playful, but ferocious in protecting what was hers; mischievous and fickle; loyal when she wanted to be, but fiercely independent.
“And when humanity arrived on the scene she was intrigued by them, and more or less adopted them. She gave them a gift; periodically, when the mood took her, she would select one woman to be the Catwoman. She would follow her own desires, unbound by human society’s rules.
“She would be free, and freedom is power. But, there was always a cost. The Catwoman is always misunderstood, hated, feared...”
“Blah, blah, blah,” Catwoman ’92 scoffed. “Are you going to get to the point?”
Macavity’s eyes flashed angrily at the interruption, and Catwoman ’66 noticed movement beneath his coat. He had a tail, and it was twitching, just like a real cat’s!
Then, his eyes softened, and he said, “Certainly. You four are the very best of the Catwomen, but in the end, one must be the best. So, Bast has decided that you all must fight, and show which of you will prevail over the rest.”
Catwoman ’12 announced, “I am not fighting for your entertainment. Get your jollies somewhere else.”
Macavity shrugged, and looked off to the side. “Not for my entertainment, no. But how about for your enrichment?” he asked. He now seemed to have the full attention of the Catwomen.
“On top of that far stack of crates is a cat statue consecrated to the goddess herself over 5,000 years ago,” he said gesturing towards the far end of the warehouse. “It is an incredibly rare antique, made of solid electrum. its necklace is made of 60 diamonds, it’s eyes are large, flawless emeralds, and it has two very large, peerless diamonds.”
The Catwomen looked from Macavity to the end of the building, with greed glittering in their eyes.
“Still not enough?” Macavity asked. “Then how about this? The one who brings the statue to me, will be immediately sent home, with the statue in her arms. Now, how does that sound?”
“How does it sound?” Catwoman ’04 asked. “It sounds too easy.”
With that, she ran across the floor, and began leaping from crate to crate. She rocketed down the building, gaining height, until she finally arrived at the statue.
She picked up the image, which was surprisingly heavy, and leaped down to the floor, landing on her toes and the fingers of one hand. She looked down the building at the other Catwomen, and then stood up, and began walking towards them.
Catwoman ’12 looked over at Catwoman ’92, and the two women nodded at each other, reaching a silent agreement. ’12 then looked for Catwoman ’66, but even with her goggles could not see her in the shadows.
Strutting towards the other women, Catwoman ’04 pulled her whip from her belt, and snapped it around, producing two loud cracks.
“Ladies, you are in my way,” she purred. “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. Which will it be?”
Catwoman ’92 took her own whip from around her waist, and snapped it in readiness.
Catwoman ’12 looked at the other two women’s weapons and deeply wished that she had brought a weapon along; preferably something semiautomatic, with a 12-round clip. ‘No guns,’ she though sourly, ‘Bruce would be pleased.’ Then, she dropped into her defensive stance.
’04 looked at the other two and smiled. “The hard way, good, that will make this more fun!” she smiled.
Catwoman ’92 snarled, “Bring it on, sister!”
FIGHT! []
’04 snapped her whip, sending the end at ’12. That Catwoman leaped backward, and spun like an ice skater, landing on her feet and then dropping back into her stance.
’92 snapped her whip out at ’04, who danced to the side, and spun her whip through the air.
The two Catwomen twirled and cracked their whips at each other, each looking for a hole in the other’s defense.
Suddenly, ’12 shot forward, looking to move in on her opponent while she was distracted.
Catwoman ’04 shot the snapper at the oncoming woman, who turned and rolled out of the line of attack. ’92 whipped her snapper out, snagging the other woman’s whip.
Catwoman ’04 dropped the statue with a heavy clank, then she grabbed her whip in two hands and pulled with all her might, pulling ‘92 off of her feet and across the floor. Then moving almost too fast to be seen, she pounced on the other woman, wrapped the whip around her neck, and stood up, pulling it tight.
Catwoman ’92 felt herself pulled almost into a ‘U’ as the leather of the whip squeezed off her air.
Catwoman ’12 ran forward, and aimed a punch at ‘04’s face. ’04 pivoted to the side, and responded with a palm-punch, which sent the other woman reeling backward.
Seizing her new freedom, ’92 grabbed her attacker’s leg, and pulled, throwing the other woman onto her back. She leaped forward, trying to overbear her opponent, but before she reached her, ’92 kicked out, sending her rolling to the side.
Catwoman ’04 leaped to her feet, just as ’12 moved up to attack. ’12 kicked out with her right leg, and then her left, and then again with her right. Each time, ’04 blocked to kick mere inches from her head. Then, she quickly dropped to the floor, pivoted on her hip, and kicked the other woman’s legs out from under her.
She leaped to her feet, just as ’92 attacked. She slashed with her wicked claws, driving ’04 back.
Suddenly, Catwoman ’12 was behind her. She leaped, and kicked ’04 squarely in the back, sending her forward, to ’92. The two women collided and went down, but ’04 turned the fall into a roll. ’92 rolled to her side, and both women leaped to their feet.
Catwoman ’04 gasped, and her hand went to her face, she looked at her fingers, and saw that they were now covered in blood. Blood oozed from four slices in her face, where the other woman’s claws had found their target.
’04 growled, and said, “Oh, it’s on now!”
“Yes, it’s on your face,” Catwoman ’92 snarled back.
Catwoman ‘12 looked from one woman to the other. She did not believe in a lot of talk, she believed in action.
Then, Catwoman ’04 cartwheeled across the floor, and seized her whip in mid-turn.
Catwoman ’92 did backward handsprings, and retrieved her own whip.
’04 quickly looped her whip, and then clipped it to her belt. Then, she turned and leaped up on some crates. She leaped from crate to crate, picking up speed as she went.
Catwoman ’92 wrapped her whip around her waist, and assumed a fighting stance, her claws extended. ’12 stepped back-to-back with the other woman, and assumed her own fighting stance.
’04 suddenly leaped down, and shot forward. She slammed into ’92, sending her flying to the side. She wrapped her arms around ’12 from the back, and lifted her up.
“Gotcha!” she announced triumphantly.
Catwoman ’12 kicked back, the knife-heels of her boots slashing into ‘04’s thighs.
Catwoman ’04 screamed in pain, and did a back flip, crashing ’12 headfirst into the floor. She staggered to the side, blood running between her fingers, where she covered the wounds.
Catwoman ’12 groaned and tried to regain her feet, while ’92 leaped in to the attack. She slashed with her claws, while ’04 dodged each move.
Suddenly, ’04 crouched and spun, her extended leg taking Catwoman ‘92’s legs out from under her.
She moved in, but ’92 punched out at the wound on her left leg. ’04 screamed in pain. Then, she kicked out with her right foot, her boot catching the other woman in the chin and sending her over backwards.
Catwoman ’12 lurched to the attack. She kicked at ‘04’s head, driving her backwards. Then she kicked again, and again.
Instead of retreating, Catwoman ’04 grabbed her opponent’s leg, and spun, lifting the other woman off of her other leg. She turned and released her grip, throwing the other woman into a stack of crates. After the bone jarring impact, she again collapsed to the floor.
Suddenly, ’04 screamed in pain, as Catwoman ’92 ripped into her back with her claws. Blood flew as ’92 raked her again and again.
’04 dropped down to her hands, and lifted both legs, delivering a powerful two-footed kick that sent the other woman flying backwards.
She leaped to her feet, and advanced on ’92.
“That’s it, missy, you just lost breath privileges!” she sneered.
She gave a titanic leap, covering the distance to Catwoman ’92 in a heartbeat.
As the two woman grappled, Catwoman ’04 drew her whip, and quickly wrapped the leather thong around her opponent’s neck. Then, she looked up, and threw the handle of the whip up and over a beam.
Catwoman ‘92’s eyes went wide, as she saw what was happening. She broke the other woman’s grip on her, but when she grabbed at the cord around her neck, ’04 ran across the floor, pulling on the whip, and lifting her into the air. Catwoman ’92 thrashed, and then went still.
“Hasta la vista, baby,” ’04 sneered up at the hanging woman.
Suddenly, Catwoman ’12 delivered a flying dropkick to the other woman’s back, sending her reeling across the floor.
Catwoman ’04 dropped into a defensive stance, while ’12 did the same thing. ’04 smiled, and said, “One down and one to go, hm? Well, let’s get this over with.”
Then, she took off like a shot, running across the floor almost too fast to be seen. Catwoman ’12 pivoted, to keep facing her opponent. ’04 ran across the floor, and seemed to bounce off of a crate. She shot from floor to crate, to floor, to crate, round and round.
As she passed ’12, she swept out her leg, knocking her off of her feet. Catwoman ’12 leaped back up, but ’04 had moved on. On another pass, she swept out with her claws, spinning ’12, and leaving four bloody claw marks across her cheeks.
Catwoman ’04 swept on and on at a dizzying pace.
Suddenly, when she passed two crates with a gap between them, Catwoman ’66 shot out from gap, colliding with Catwoman ’04, and sending her sprawling.
As fast as she could move, Catwoman ’12 pounced on her fallen opponent. She grabbed her head, lifted, and smashed it into the floor.
’04 slashed out with her claws, causing ’12 to cry out in pain. But, she refused to relent. She kept bashing the woman’s head into the floor, until she went still.
Catwoman ’12 stood up, and looked down at her opponent. A pool of blood spread out from the still form, showing that she was indeed finished.
She limped across the floor, and retrieved the cat statue.
Catwoman ’66 stepped up to her. “We make a good team,” she announced with a smile. “We shared the fight, and we can share the reward.”
Suddenly, Catwoman ’12 lashed out with a roundhouse kick. Her booted foot caught the other woman in the side of the head, sending her sprawling to the ground.
“’We shared the fight?” she sneered. “I did the fighting, and you are looking to get the reward! Well, I am going to give you *everything* that you deserve!”
Suddenly, a black-sheathed arm slipped around Catwoman ‘12’s neck and wrenched her backward. Catwoman ’92 extended her claws, and stabbed them into the other woman’s back as hard as she could. ’12 screamed in pain, and dropped the electrum statue.
’94 stabbed the other woman again and again, sending blood flying.
Finally, Catwoman ’12 went limp, and the other Catwoman, dropped her unceremoniously onto her face.
Catwoman ’94 picked up the statue and advanced to where Catwoman ’66 stood.
The other Catwoman looked at her. “Well?” ’66 asked, unsure of what to say.
’94 swung the cat statue across as fast as she could, slamming it into the side of the other woman’s head.
’66 crashed over to the side, and was still.
K.O.! []
Catwoman ’92 leaped up the boxes until she was level with Macavity.
The cat-man smiled, and purred, “To the victor go the spoils.”
Moving as quick as lightning, Catwoman grabbed his throat, and forced his head backwards onto the crate behind him. She lifted the cat statue menacingly over his head. His eyes went wide with fear.
She brought the state slamming down, landing mere millimeters from his head.
“I don’t want your trinkets,” she sneered. “There’s only thing that I want...revenge.”
Then, she released the man and stood up straight. “Now, send me home,” she commanded.
Macavity rubbed his aching neck, and looked angrily at the woman. Then, he shrugged.
“As you wish,” he said.
He snapped his fingers, and Catwoman disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Results[]
Boomstick: Whoa! Wiz, I will never again say that you fight like a girl. Those girls could have kicked the living crap out of you! Anyway, that didn't go quite like I expected. What happened?
Wiz: Now, while you might think of a battle royale as a group of fighters flailing away at each other mindlessly, the Catwomen are anything by mindless. They each fight with resolve, but also with discretion. They are unlikely to rely on fighting ability alone to carry them through, but instead look for strengths and weaknesses in their opponents, and adjust their tactics accordingly.
Boomstick: A problem for Catwoman ’04 was that she had supernatural abilities of speed and agility. And that’s a problem when you couple them with her all too human desire to show off these abilities. Of all the Catwomen, she did the most strutting, even stealing the show at a nightclub. The other Catwomen were bound to see these extra-special abilities and work together against her, and though she was a talented fighter, she did not show herself as having the power to overcome all of the other Catwomen at once. Her abilities thus became something of a liability.
Wiz: A wildcard in this battle...
Boomstick: You mean a Joker?
Wiz: No, I don’t. A wildcard in this battle was Catwoman ’66. Her particular style of fighting was to allow others to do the actual fighting, while she stood back, and only entered the fray when she could tip the balance. Unfortunately for her, she had no henchmen to fight for her this time, so that rather meant that she never did have much of a chance of winning this battle, but she was likely to influence the course of the battle.
Boomstick: Catwoman ’12 was probably the most capable martial artist of the group. While Catwoman ’92 and Catwoman ’04 gained their fighting ability when they were given their Catwoman mantle, ’12 had to earn her abilities. She has battled and beaten multiple opponents at one time, and even surprised and impressed Batman with her abilities, which is no mean feat.
Wiz: Catwoman ’92, had the fighting ability to go head-to-head with Batman in his prime, and even could punch through his armor, which meant that she could keep up with any of the other Catwomen, but she lacked the flashiness of Catwoman ’12, which meant that the others had little reason to gang up against her.
Boomstick: Also, her unique set of nine lives, that allowed her to avoid death, gave her an edge that the other Catwomen would not suspect.
Wiz: All that added up to her being able to outmaneuver and out-last the others.
Boomstick: And that’s why the winner was Catwoman ’92! Congratulations, Michelle Pfeiffer! Whoop whoop!
Trivia[]
- Macavity the Mystery Cat is a character from T.S. Eliot's 1939 poetry collection, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats. He is also the main antagonist in Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical, Cats, and the subsequent film adaptations.
- Why were there 60 diamonds in the cat statues' necklace? The ancient Mesopotamians used a numbering system with a base of 60, as opposed to our numbering system with a base of 100. This older system still echoes down to our time in the form of our hours being divided into 60 minutes, and our minutes being divided in 60 seconds. Similarly we divide a circle into six 60 degrees (360 degrees being a full circle).
Polls[]