| Captain Qwark VS Hercule Satan
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|---|---|
| Season 1, Episode 4 | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | August 27th, 2016 |
| Written by | SlashLion5K |
| Directed by | SlashLion5K |
Episode guide
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| Previous | Next |
| Red VS Calem | Link VS Sora |
Cpt. Qwark vs. Hercule is a What if? Death Battle.
Description[]
Ratchet & Clank VS Dragon Ball Z! Two world-class "tough dudes" with a love for stealing glory meet in the arena! Will Hercule get Qwark'd, or will Qwark get pulverized?!!!
Interlude[]
(Cue Invader:- Jim Johnston)
Blade: Glory, the hardest thing to earn for a hero.
Lion: Unless you're these two, who rob the heroes of glory every time they save the Galaxy. Qwark, the Green-Iron-Abbed Superhero.
Blade: Or Hercule Satan, the World Champion. He's Red Lion, I'm The Blade.
Lion: And its our job to analyze their weapon, armor and skills to find out who would win, a Death Battle.
Captain Qwark[]
(Cue Captain Qwark's Theme:- Ratchet & Clank PS4 Battle)
Blade: Born in Metropolis in the planet Kerwan, Copernicus Leslie Qwark was orphaned at an early age when his family was killed by faulty Technomite technology. With nobody to look after him, Copernicus was put up for adoption, where he was raised my monkeys on the planet Florana.
Lion: Then at some point in time, he returned to Kerwan, joining the learning annex where he met the man-machine that would be his archenemy for eternity, Dr. Nefarious. Nefarious was... kind of a nerd, but considered the fake superhero a friend, despite wishing the Blarg would shove a laser through his air-filled brains and end him quick.
Blade: Eventually, Copernicus, who was a jerk to Nefarious, got out despite being a talentless airhead and took a three-week superhero training regimen, for where he got out as the master of all chiseled abs, Captain Qwark.
(Cue Captain Qwark's Snagglebeast:- Ratchet & Clank Soundtrack Extended)
Lion: Trust me, because he's a fucking dumbass doesn't mean he can't kick ass! Qwark became the local badass of Kerwan, kickin' ass whenever he was called for! That is, until he went even FURTHER and began taking on things such as skeleton pirates and Nefarious' Amoeboids! Then he moved on to Nefarious himself!
Blade: After a long battle where Qwark most likely did something stupid...
"Word of advice, Nefarious. Quit while you're a-HEAD!"
Lion: Qwark beheaded Nefarious and threw him in the junk. This was when he became a galaxy-wide legend, and moved on to greater things, such as... being a selfish pussy.
Blade: While meant to be a hero, Qwark was quickly attracted to fame, glory, fortune, you name it all. He joined the Blarg overlord Drek in his grand scheme to deplanetize the Solana Galaxy and take over for the Blarg. This is when he met Ratchet & Clank, a duo of Lombax and defect robot that screwed him over more than once. First sent to jail, second, taken down for good, working as a test dummy at Megacorp.
Lion: Or at least that's what most would think. Because Qwark somehow returned to Florana as the Florana Tree Beast. After a quick battle with Ratchet & Clank, Qwark was defeated and, thinking of Ratchet as some sort of god, taken custody on the Galactic Rangers' starship to fight Dr. Nefarious, who rose from the depths for revenge on all things living.
Blade: Unable to recall his memories, Qwark was kept locked up in a cage until Ratchet & Clank brought back a vid-comic and played it right in front of him to rerun his memory. Afterwards, he took over Starship Phoenix as the new leader of his own organization to stop Nefarious, the Q-Force.
(Cue Qwark's Ship Boss Theme:- Ratchet & Clank OST)
Lion: Worst. Name. Ever.
Blade: It's Qwark, what do you expect?
Lion: Something like "Iron-Abbed Muscle Overlords." That point aside and all, Qwark took all the glory from his "Q-Force"'s deeds and ended up dying in a shuttle crash.
Blade: Yet somehow surviving. Qwark disguised himself and sent a distress call, after which Clank & Ratchet discovered him in a bedroom. Unwilling to help, Qwark stayed in being the coward he was, until he returned like a badass to save Ratchet & Clank from death by Nefarious.
Lion: This way, he became the third-hand partner to Ratchet & Clank, and Ratchet's best friend when Clank was kidnapped.
Blade: Travelling with Ratchet now, Qwark quickly grew strong... ...until he quit all the hero work to be Galactic President after taking credit for Nefarious' defeat.
(Cue Invasion on Kerwan:- Ratchet & Clank PS4 OST)
Lion: But trust me, there's reasons Qwark became a superhero! Cause if Ratchet can't do something, this big hunk o' junk saved his arsenal!
Blade: Possessing superhuman strength, Qwark can smash through a wall with a single kick and has the strength to hold back large boulders. Aside from that, there's an arsenal of weaponry at his disposal.
Lion: Qwark carries a Groovitron, which makes his opponents dance, a Warmonger that launches missiles, a blaster of his own that's been painted orange, and even has access to my personal favorite video game weapon of all time, the RYNO. This thing lets Qwark fire a barrage of exploding mini-nukes that'll blow you to oblivion. Hell, Qwark may have been a fucking GIANT with all his popularity!
Blade: Until he was demoted from President. Afterwards, Qwark became a depressed giant green thing trying to remake the Q-Force. Qwark's also pretty dumb, and buffoonic, and one for fucking up often.
Lion: At least Qwark isn't a total moron though! He can lift up to 10 tons, punch down vehicles, mechs and even the Blargian Snagglebeast, and survive face-to-face combat with far superior fighters like Ratchet and Nefarious! He may be an airhead, but a tough one nonetheless. Don't mess with the Big Q!
Qwark: Did someone say something about a savior?
Ratchet: No... Actually, yes! That was us that said that!
Hercule Satan[]
(Cue Martial Arts Tournament:- Dragon Ball Z Buu's Fury OST)
Blade: Hercule Satan is the lucky, afro-haired martial artist of Satan City. Champion of several tournaments, and gets a city named after himself.
Lion: You'd think Satan had it all. Well guess what. Satan's a fake name. His real name is Mark.
Blade: Mark wished to be martial arts champion, and started training in a dojo called Satan Castle. Afterwards, he returned and took on a martial arts tournament, where he won after his opponent got food poisoning.
Lion: Then he decided to get drunk with his master and make fun of a tree-surfing mercenary, who stabbed his master with his tongue before leaving Satan scarred for life. From this day onwards, Satan vowed to never fight a badass opponent. Unless it was Cell.
(Cue Hercule Satan's Theme:- Dragon Ball Z OST)
Blade: But since then, Hercule got married and had a daughter, and took up the role of a glory-stealing liar who doesn't believe in superpowers, even when in front of his eyes. His attacks barely do much, and the only way for him to do any real damage is to use his pills, which can explode, form missile launchers, and even turn into machine guns or jukeboxes.
Lion: You'd think the Dynamite Kick would be cool, but it's pretty normal. Satan's kind of a dork... so...
Blade: Hey, at least Satan can survive bitchslaps from Cell, break 14 roof tiles with one chop, escape a rocket's blast radius, and leave after images from punching. Additionally, he survived an attack and delivered a kick in one second.
Lion: But as we said, Satan's puny, useless and cowardly. But hey, he isn't Dan Hibiki either!
Satan gets slapped by Cell.
Pre-Death Battle[]
(Cue Invader:- Jim Johnston)
Blade: Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Lion: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Satan City, Planet Earth...
"Coming through!"
"Shove off!"
"Hey, I called dibs!"
"Easy there, reporters, I'll be glad to take your interviews, after all, I BEAT FRIEZA! I could easily organize your interviews, they're for the same person!"
This was Hercule Satan, the so-called "Most Powerful Man on Earth", as usual, taking credit for all the triumphs over alien overlords as of recent. As Hercule grabbed a reporter for a photo, something swooped down behind them near a building.
BOOM!
A giant explosion, followed by yelling citizens. A building collapsed behind Satan as all the citizens ran off in panic. Satan turned around, only to find himself face-to-chest with a man with bulging muscles, wearing a green superhero costume, accompanied by a mask and a dorky antenna on top. This was Captain Qwark, the Solana Galaxy's "superhero". As he looked down at Satan, he opened his mouth wide. Satan cringed, internally thinking...
"Oh no, he's gonna blow me apart!"
"Greetings, local citizen! Captain Qwark, at your service! Do you mind telling me where I can find something to eat? I AM the greatest superhero in the galaxy, after all!"
This caused a sudden flair of rage in Satan's eyes.
"Greatest superhero in the galaxy, eh? Are you willing to defend that title?"
Qwark looked down, confused.
"Uh oh. I've angered him."
Qwark looked down at the small orange blaster in his hand. Trusty, reliable, classic and handy, this was his weapon to get the job done. He raised it at Satan's chest.
"Very well then, citizen. If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get."
"Oh no, he actually wants to fight."
As he panicked internally, Satan made a martial arts pose before slamming his palm into Qwark's chest, which did absolutely nothing.
FIGHT!
Qwark sweated, before grabbing Satan and hurling him upwards. Satan flew into the air, as Qwark grabbed his Warmonger and fired. Satan opened his eyes wide, before being blasted repeatedly. Satan fell to the ground charred, before standing up and pulling out a pill. The pill exploded, creating a jukebox, which started playing music.
"Maestro!"
(Cue Malo Mart:- The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess)
Satan ran up to Qwark, but Qwark grabbed his arm as he tried to punch, spinning him, before holding him in a dance position. Qwark released Satan, before firing three blaster shots into him. He ran at his foe, but Satan retaliated by lowly crouching and delivering a heavy kick between his legs.
"OW! THE AREA! ANYWHERE BUT THE AREA!"
Qwark stumbled backwards, before Satan pulled out a pill and crouched, revealing a missile cannon on his back. The missile struck Qwark right in the chest, sending him flying, before exploding into fireworks. Satan ran into the nearby building as Qwark collapsed on the roof. As Satan reached the top, Qwark cleaned off his wounds from his chest. Before raising his fists.
"Today's your lucky day, citizen. You personally get to watch as I serve justice before your eyes."
Qwark pulled out the blaster once more, before firing a shot right into Satan's stomach. As Satan clutched his injured spot, Qwark rammed him into a portable toilet. Qwark walked in himself, and the toilet shook for a few seconds before Satan rolled out, on top of Qwark, delivering heavy blows to him. They quickly turned as Qwark started elbowing Satan. The two continued in a ball of dust, before Qwark upper utter Satan, sending him flying.
"Ah, all in one one day's work."
As he said this, Qwark collapsed as Satan landed on him. Qwark stood, before sighing. He stared at Satan, who did the same. They looked at each other apprehensively.
"Okay, citizen! You've gone one space shuttle too far!"
"You're about to go down!"
Satan tossed another jukebox pill, which exploded into a giant music-switching box. Qwark looked back at the jukebox, before running at Satan. Satan pulled out another pill, as Qwark's fist met his face. The pill landed under Qwark, before exploding.
(Cue Pom Pom's Theme)
As the dust cleared off, Satan City was far under the two. The explosive pill made so much smoke that Satan City was at least a million miles underneath. Qwark coughed, before grabbing the weapon in his hand. Clutching it tight, Qwark threw the Groovitron forward, as the jukebox switched to another theme.
(Cue Hercule Satan's Theme:- Dragon Ball Z OST) if rooting for Satan
(Cue Captain Qwark's Theme:- Ratchet & Clank PS4 Battle) if rooting for Qwark
Satan ran at Qwark, delivering a kick to his face, before repeatedly slugging him in the chest. Qwark grabbed Satan and hurled him aside, before pulling out his strongest weapon, the RYNO. Qwark fired, causing several missiles to explode on Satan. The World Champion attempted to rise, but was only successful in dancing in a mad fit. Qwark grabbed him, holding him upside down.
"Alright, citizen, you've had your fun... Time to take you to intergalactic jail!"
At this, Satan's eyes widened.
"No, please, I didn't do anything wrong, I'm just an ordinary martial artist with all his hopes and dreams!"
Qwark scratched his chin, before coming to a decision.
"Very well then, citizen, I'll let you go for today."
As he let go, he didn't really hear a nearby thud. In fact, the sound the superhero heard was quite far away. Qwark looked down, only to find out where he was standing. The edge of a building roof.
"Well... Uh-oh."
As Qwark stared at the street, a spaceship appeared, as Ratchet stepped out with Clank.
"Qwark, what are you doing?"
"Oh... Uh, I mean- HAH! Take that, vile villain!"
KO!
Conclusion[]
(Cue Ratchet & Clank Up Your Arsenal:- Boss Nefarious Vidcomic)
Lion: You done fucked up Qwark, you done fucked up.
Blade: Satan may be a formidable opponent and can keep Qwark on his toes with his weaponry and durability, but Qwark had him outclassed badly in all other categories.
Lion: Satan may be strong, but his pure luck is what usually gets him across sticky situations, whilst Qwark's weaponry is superior to Satan's pills and being able to lift ten tons in one hand far outclasses shattering 14 roof tiles.
Blade: While Satan can survive a slap from Cell, he has no other feats to back this up, and even then, Qwark's raw power and weaponry advantage over him was too much. Additionally, Satan only steals credit, whilst Qwark has saved the galaxy before.
Lion: I guess Satan doesn't Satand a chance on Qwark. Those chiseled abs are too much.
Blade: The winner is Captain Qwark.
Next Time on DEATH BATTLE![]
"Hah!"
Link stabs the Master Sword right into Ganon's head.
VS
"My friends are my power!"
Sora starts deflecting Xemnas' lasers, before finishing him off.