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Captain America VS Solid Snake
Season N/A (Sharaku Jr.) / Bonus (Nkstjoa), Episode N/A (Sharaku Jr.) / 10 (Nkstjoa)
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Written by Sharaku Jr. & Nkstjoa
Directed by Sharaku Jr.
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Captain America VS Solid Snake is a What-if? Episode of Death Battle. It will feature Captain America from Marvel Comics, fighting against Solid Snake from the Metal Gear Franchise.



Captain America (Sharaku Jr.)[]

Wiz: Think to yourself. What would the ultimate American hero look like?

Boomstick: Would he look massive and totally stacked? Yeah you would think so, but nope! It's some scrawny-ass kid from Brooklyn!

Wiz: Steven Rogers was born to Irish immigrants in 1920. He and his family were incredibly poor, and had little money to live off of. But despite his appearance, Rogers desperately wanted to prove his worth to serve his country.

Boomstick: Unfortunately, that didn't work out so well for him. He didn't make the cut to join the army because he was such a stick. But Steve was approached by a brilliant scientist who was devising a sort of Super Soldier Serum to fight some Nazis. This serum would enhance one's traits to superhuman levels, so Steve was like "Yeah I'll go ahead and stick that shit in my veins!"

Wiz: After being injected with the Super Soldier Serum, Steve became-

Boomstick: F*ckin' Jacked! Now that's an American hero!

Wiz: *Ahem*, yes that too, but he also became the new protector of peace, the symbol of Truth, Justice and the American Way, Captain America!

Boomstick: Aaaand then some asshole Nazi spy shot the scientist who made the Serum, so Steve is the one and only Super Soldier, but oho boy, one is more than enough. Steve's scrawny and feeble body is now super-fied! He can run miles in just over a minute, dodge bullets from point blank, and he can bench-press over 1000 pounds! His brain is also able to process events faster than a normal human which he refers to as being able to see...faster? How does one even see faster??

Wiz: It makes no sense. Anyways, The Captain is also skilled in every single martial art, like Jujitsu, Tae Kwon Do, Kung-Fu, Karate and even he even mastered some wierd Zero Gravity Alien martial art within minutes.

Boomstick: Donning the literal most American suit you can ever think of, which is actually resistant to electricity and the elements and is made of Kevlar and some lightweight titanium, Captain America fought in World War Two while simultaneously being the Army's mascot.

Wiz: But Captain America wouldn't go into the War with just his fists. Captain America wields his incredibly iconic Shield. This unique Shield is composed of Vibranium and Adamantium, both incredibly strong metals from space. It's so impressive, it's near indestructible, and is only really broken by unearthly beings.

Boomstick: And Captain America just throws that shield around like a badass!

Wiz: Speaking of which, I have made something similar to Captain America's shield!

Boomstick: Wait, really?!

Wiz: Yes! It is composed out of Adamantium and Vibranium! Just...don't ask where I got the materials from.

Boomstick: Here, lemme see! Awright, time to see how the Captain does it!

(Boomstick tosses the shield, which bounces off the wall and hits him in the face)



Wiz: Uh oh..uhh, don't think about it too much Boomstick. Um, come back later for the full episode of Captain America VS Solid Snake.


Solid Snake (Nkstjoa)[]

Boomstick: The master of stealth. The slayer of tanks. The wielder of cardboard boxes. The one, the only... Solid Snake.

Wiz: Before becoming The Man Who Makes the Impossible Possible, he was simply David.

Boomstick: "Born" in 1972, David seemed perfectly suited for the life of a soldier, joining the Green Berets and the U.S. Army before joining FOXHOUND, the most elite of black ops units founded by the legendary Big Boss.

Wiz: After undergoing training from Master Miller, as well as Big Boss himself, David earned his code name "Solid Snake".

Boomstick: (*snickers*)

Wiz: Seriously?

Boomstick: For his very first FOXHOUND mission, he infiltrated Outer Heaven, rescued his fellow agent Gray Fox, and discovered something that would change war itself: the bipedal nuke-launching tank called Metal Gear.

Wiz: Not only did Snake manage to destroy the Metal Gear...

Boomstick: It wouldn't be his last time either...

Wiz: He discovered that Outer Heaven's leader behind everything was his very mentor, Big Boss.

Boomstick: Oh, we're just getting started with revelations. In his second mission, Snake faced Big Boss a second time, whom revealed that he was Snake's father. If that wasn't enough, much later, Snake learned that he was not just born, but was cloned from Big Boss in a top-secret project called... Lez Elephants Terrible S.

Wiz: Les Enfants Terribles, translating to The Terrible Children. Baggage-aside, as a stealth operative, Snake is typically dropped into his missions with very little equipment or weaponry save for his sneaking suit, forcing him to seek out and utilize whatever he can get his hands on.

Boomstick: That was the case up until he came across this slick suit-wearing dude named Drebin, who can supply him with tons, and I mean TONS of weapons. Pistols, semi, automatic, and sniper rifles, shotguns, heavy machine guns, grenade and rocket launchers... you name it, Drebin can have it delivered to him. My real question is where Snake keeps all that stuff.

Wiz: For starters, we have his iconic Mark 23 SOCOM pistol...

Boomstick: HEY! If there's gonna be talk of firearms, it's gonna be from me!

Wiz: Fine, fine...

Boomstick: Thank you. Now then, he has his SOCOM and 1911 Operator pistols, the Ruger Mark 2 with tranquilizer darts, FAMAS and M4 Custom rifles, and the PSG1 sniper rifle among the MANY he could potentially have on hand.

Wiz: He has plenty of throwable weapons, including fragmentation, stun, smoke, chaff, and white phosphorus grenades, petrol bombs...

Boomstick: ...and an empty gun magazine for luring enemies. Yippee.

Wiz: Snake can also plant claymores, landmines, plastic explosives, and even sleep gas satchels, weaponizing the area around him.

Boomstick: And when he needs to be less subtle, he can use an RPG-7, Javelin and Stinger missile launchers, and the Nikita missile launcher, whose projectiles he can remote-control himself. And we would be remiss to forget the flying cypher, which he has in case he needs to make a getaway or get to higher ground.

Wiz: It should be noted that firearms granted to him by Drebin are all ID-controlled, meaning they will lock when used by someone other than Snake.

Boomstick: Up close, he has a stun knife, which can zap foes unconscious... or just, you know, do what a regular knife does. And Snake himself is a weapon thanks to his mastery of CQC and the nanomachines coursing through his body.

Wiz: Now onto his tech: he wears the Solid Eye over his left eye, which gives him radar, heat signature and footprint tracking, and binocular and night vision.

Boomstick: Now in the past, Snake had to make due with whatever cover he could find... or cardboard boxes... but then came his OctoCamo suit, which changes not only its color, but even takes on the texture and temperature of his surroundings, allowing him to evade even night vision and infrared tracking.

Wiz: Snake also has a device that bends light around him, rendering him completely invisible, though it drains Snake's stamina while in use, and landing from a high enough fall will damage it beyond repair. There's also Metal Gear Mark III.

Boomstick: He has a freakin' Metal Gear in his pocket?! (*sees Mark III*) Wait, that little robot helper is it?!

Wiz: A remote mobile terminal to be exact. It is equipped with stealth camouflage and a prehensile arm-esque coil that can grab items and emit an electric shock. Snake can use Mark III for recon and can remote control it from as far as fifty meters... with a PlayStation 3 controller.

Boomstick: Wonder if it has dualshock.

Wiz: Apart from...

Boomstick: Sh*t, I almost forgot something! Perhaps the deadliest weapon in his arsenal by far is this massive rail gun, which has the firepower of a tank turret. Then there's the Mantis and Sorrow Dolls, which allow him to lift and shake people for items. Ooh, scary.

Wiz: Anyway, aside from bringing down four Metal Gears...

Boomstick: One of which he took out by piloting another Metal Gear...

Wiz: Snake has managed to defeat four soldiers using stealth camouflage in an elevator and held his own against the cyborg Gray Fox in hand-to-hand combat.

Boomstick: And then there was that time he went mano-a-mano with a tank... using only grenades!

Otacon: You're nuts! Single-handedly taking out a tank? That's crazy! You're insane!

Boomstick: Oh, we're just getting started. He brought down the rogue Foxhound unit, the Beauty and the Beast Unit... big fans of the movie, I bet... and survived a battle with Vamp, who could regenerate thanks to nanomachines, and fought a lengthy duel with the newly cyborg Raiden... right after Snake suppressed his healing.

Wiz: And he's incredibly tough. Snake has endured an electroshock torture device, survived several run-ins with the power-suited FROGS, and even being bombarded by microwaves for 3 whole minutes.

Boomstick: That's more insane than Metal Gear Solid 2's plot twists... and that's saying something.

Wiz: To better grasp Snake as a whole, let's look at two of his most skilled opponents by far who also happen to come from the same bloodline.

Boomstick: Starting with his "twin brother" Liquid. When piloting Metal Gear Rex, the cockpit opened, and he and the controls were peppered by Stinger missiles. After that, he and Snake had a fist fight up atop of Rex only for Liquid to fall forty feet, a height he assumed Snake couldn't survive. And even after all that, he was still kicking, driving and shooting at the fleeing Snake and Meryl. I mean Jesus, does that guy have kevlar under his skin?!

Wiz: Then there's the big one: the man he was cloned from. Prior to becoming Big Boss, he battled the Cobra Unit, which housed plenty of supernatural abilities like enhanced camouflage, altered DNA...

Boomstick: ...and bees.

Wiz: Along with them, Big Boss defeated the electricity-wielding Volgin and his very mentor, THE Boss.

Boomstick: And this gal was so tough she gave birth during a battle... and kept fighting afterward! Man, as the quote unquote "son" of Big Boss, Snake certainly comes from good stock.

Wiz: Which isn't to say he's perfect. Unfortunately, aside from a vest, Snake's sneaking suit is designed for... well, stealth primarily, and not for defense, leaving it vulnerable to bullets and all manner of weaponry.

Boomstick: Also, if you're wondering why Snake was all old and wrinkly in 2014 when he should be 42, that's because of a combination of his nanomachines and the fact that he was genetically designed to age quicker. Put those two together and he was in such bad shape that his stealth suit had to double as a muscle suit just to get around.

Wiz: It reached a point where Snake needed a syringe to suppress his nanomachines to keep heart attacks and seizures in check... though he can use said syringe against other nanomachine users as was the case with Vamp.

Boomstick: He may not consider himself a hero, but with everything he's done in his adventures spanning from 16 bit to HD, Snake has truly become one of gaming's greatest characters and ultimately snuck his way into our hearts.

Psycho Mantis: I... I wasn't able to read the future...

Solid Snake: A strong man doesn't need to read the future. He makes his own.


Captain America VS Solid Snake Fanon Intermission

Image by DeathBattleDude




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