Cana vs. Demoman is a what-if battle by Joshua_foote14.
Interlude[]
Wizard: Today we're going to be making two different drinkers fight each other to the death.
Boomstick: Who are they?
Wizard: Cana from Fairy Tail and the Demoman from Team Fortress 2.
Boomstick: What do those two have in common?
Wizard: They both love booze.
Boomstick: Anything else?
Wizard: They're both loyal to their teammates!
Boomstick: And?
Wizard: They're both good at fighting!
Boomstick: Now I get it!
Wizard: Let's analyze Cana first...I think Boomstick wants to comment on how sexy she is.
Cana[]
Wizard: Cana is a member of Fairy Tail...and yes, there are a lot of attractive females in the guild. Not that the males in the guild aren't attractive, mind you.
Boomstick: She also loves booze! Lots and lots of booze.
Wizard: She certainly does. She's probably consumed more alcoholic beverage than anyone else in the guild...maybe she's depressed.
Boomstick: Why would she depressed? She's one of the sexiest anime characters ever!
Wizard: Mm-hmm...but there's more to Cana than just her looks.
Boomstick: She's got access to card magic!
Wizard: She can throw shuriken cards at her foes like some sort of ninja...even though she's a Fairy Tail character instead of a Naruto character.
Boomstick: Her Fountain's Prayer technique can also be used to give her enemies a bath...which is the last bath that they will ever take!
Wizard: I think Cana would love to take a bath in booze.
Boomstick: You bet!
Wizard: Her Sleep Card can also put people to sleep.
Boomstick: It's surprising she doesn't fall asleep herself after drinking so much alcohol!
Wizard: Ah yes...it's also a miracle that she's never succumbed to alcohol poisoning.
Boomstick: She must be pretty durable!
Wizard: Since we want to be fair to Cana, we're going to let her use her most powerful technique, Fairy Glitter.
Boomstick: Fairy Glitter?!
Wizard: Yes, Boomstick. Fairy Glitter...it may sound harmless at first, but believe me, it's anything but.
Boomstick: How can fairy glitter be so deadly?
Wizard: You'll find out. Once she recites an enchantment, she can envelop her enemy in light and heavily damage if not outright kill them.
Boomstick: Dang, that's pretty impressive!
Wizard: Well, we haven't heard from Demoman yet. We should see what he does.
Boomstick: Is he some sort of pirate? He wears an eyepatch!
Wizard: If we wanted a pirate character, we can just use a One Piece character.
Boomstick: Wait, didn't we already use Usopp in the other Team Fortress 2 match the author wrote?
Wizard: Yes, we did.
Boomstick: Alright then!
Demoman[]
Wizard: The Demoman is a member of the RED Team...and we're not using the BLU Demoman because he's feeling too blue to participate in a Death Battle.
Boomstick: I see what you did there!
Wizard: Speaking of sight, the Demoman unfortunately has impaired vision. He only has one eye.
Boomstick: I'll say!
Wizard: However, this does not mean that he can't put up a fight. He wields explosives...and lots of them.
Boomstick: Did we mention that demo is short for demolition?
Wizard: Since he likes explosives so much, he wields a grenade launcher.
Boomstick: He also has a sticky bomb launcher in case he wants to blow things up later and not now.
Wizard: If he wants to, he can also charge into combat wielding a sword...though that seems to contrast him being a demoman, doesn't it?
Boomstick: Is he a demoman or a swordsman?
Wizard: Perhaps he's both. He was once strong enough to chop down a statue's head with his sword...which in that case was the Eyelander.
Boomstick: Theoretically, he's fast enough to avoid bullets...though a good way to kill the Demoman is simply by shooting at him!
Wizard: Unfortunately, Demoman is typically weak against the Scout, since he's fast enough to avoid his explosives. On the other hand, his explosives are a good way to get rid of the Engineer's machines, especially if whatever reason he decides to bunch the sentries together. There's no real point in that though it's not a bad idea to have multiple engineers. And yes, we're giving you some Team Fortress 2 advice, because why not.
Boomstick: Can we make them fight to the death now?
Wizard: Sure, why not.
Fight[]
Cana was looking forward to drinking booze.
She decided to go check out her lucky barrel of beer.
However, she discovered that the RED Demoman had already drank it all!
"Hey! That was mine!" screamed Cana.
RED Demoman let out a burp.
"You picking a fight with me? I'll have you know that I've been part of Fairy Tail for years!" exclaimed the card mage.
"Oh yeah? Well, I've been part of the RED Team for years! The BLU Team are no match for us!" shouted the RED Demoman.
FIGHT!
Cana shot first, firing several razor-sharp cards at the RED Demoman.
In retaliation, he began to launch explosives at Cana.
Fortunately, Cana was able to avoid them.
She then launched Explosion Cards at the RED Demoman. It was time to give him a taste of his own medicine.
"What are ye up to, lassie?" asked the Demoman.
Cana fired the cards at the Demoman.
However, his Chargin' Targe was able to shield him from the fire.
"That's one nifty shield." said Cana.
The Demoman then charged towards Cana.
He stabbed her in the belly button.
"Ow! Not my precious belly button! My fans love my belly button!" exclaimed Cana.
"Too bad, lassie!" shouted the Demoman.
In retaliation, Cana decided to use Fairy Glitter on Demoman.
"What are ye doing?" asked the RED Demoman.
Shortly afterwards, a massive explosion of light brought the RED Demoman to his knees.
"Oh, the pain! The horrible pain! How are ye so strong?" asked the RED Demoman.
"Well, I've been trying to become S-Class..." stated Cana.
"I wish I was S-Class!" exclaimed the Demoman. That sounded awesome.
Cana then used a Sleep Card to put Demoman to sleep.
"Why don't you take a relaxing nap and work off all the booze you consumed..." said the card mage.
Suddenly, RED Demoman got shot in the head by the BLU Sniper.
"Ha! That was too easy!" exclaimed BLU Sniper.
The RED Demoman was dead.
"Oh dear...that poor Demoman..." remarked Cana.
Fortunately, he respawned a few moments later.
"Wait, I thought you were dead..." questioned the card mage.
"I was, lassie! The Announcer brought me back!" exclaimed the RED Demoman.
"Why don't we go get some booze then?" asked Cana.
"Yes!" shouted the Demoman.
Together, the two of them went to go drink some alcohol.
KO!
Aftermath[]
Cana and Demoman both consumed some delicious beverages. It was nice that the two of them could become friends...even after the fight that they had.
Boomstick: Well, that was a fun fight to watch.
Wizard: Unfortunately for the Demoman, though his explosives and sword could certainly keep Cana on her toes, Cana was simply too powerful for him to handle.
Boomstick: After all, Mavis Vermillion herself taught her how to use Fairy Glitter!
Wizard: And she's also been training so that she could pass her S-Class Test...the Demoman doesn't spend his time training...he generally goes on missions with his teammates.
Boomstick: Alcohol doesn't handicap Cana like it handicaps the Demoman, either...the booze typically distracts him. His Chargin' Targe did protect him from Cana's explosive cards due to fire resistance, but it wouldn't protect him from any of Cana's other attacks.
Wizard: Cana also had better perception than he did, since she's not missing an eye. Of course, Erza is technically missing an eye too if she ever got into a Death Battle with the Demoman, but she has an artificial eye so it's not exactly a handicap.
Boomstick: The Demoman's sticky bombs could also be blown up by Cana before the Demoman used them to blow her up.
Wizard: She could also use her cards to put him to sleep...which considering that he's always drunk wouldn't be hard for her to do.
Boomstick: I guess Cana's going to be an S-Class Mage someday after al!
Wizard: The winner is Cana.
