This is the second What-If? Death Battle created by OPZoroark.
Description[]
Battle of the incompetent fan-favorites with a penchant for causing more damage than the enemy! Michael J. Caboose from the Rooster Teeth series "Red vs. Blue" vs. GIR from the Nickelodeon series "Invader Zim".
Intro[]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uihVrASDQhU
Wiz: Throughout animation history, there have been many intelligence-lacking individuals who's incompetence & pure charm steal the spotlight. Such as Michael J. Caboose, the team-killing man-child from "Red vs. Blue".
Boomstick: And GIR, the piggy-loving robot from "Invader Zim". He's Wiz & I'm Boomstick...
W: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, & skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
Michael J. Caboose[]
W: Once upon a time, in a box-canyon in the middle of nowhere, lived two armies, fighting each other for no apparent reason aside from the other's existence.
B: Then one day, the Blue team's leader died of an aspirin overdose thanks to a time-travelling AI who thinks he's a ghost. Naturally, they needed to send in a new recruit to keep the team at an acceptable number. That recruit was Michael J. Caboose.
W: Within Blood Gulch, each of the Reds & Blues have something about them that makes them unsuited for standard military application, whether it's laziness, horrible aim, or, um, whatever you call the thing Sarge has.
B: Awesomeness?
W: Yeah, no. In Caboose's case, the problem is downright stupidity. In fact, this guy is SO stupid, even the other Blood Gulch soldiers can't compare to his idiocy.
B: That doesn't stop him from following his, uh, "friends" into battle against whatever insane group of evildoers stands in their way. Aside from the standard M6G Magnum pistol, Caboose's primary weapon is the MA3 Assault Rifle, a standard auto rifle capable of firing 15 rounds per second. Unfortunately, he seems to be most effective when using it against his own teammates, as he has killed his, um, "best friend", Church, close to 5 times by now.
W: Fortunately, it was thanks to the work of Doctor Emily Grey that this problem was hopefully contained. After a run in with a group of space-pirates, Dr. Gray decided to fit Caboose's weapon with the programming unit of a Mantis mech, which Caboose had befriended & named "Freckles".
B: In addition to providing companionship, Freckles keeps Caboose from killing his friends by having complete control over the weapon's firing mechanism.
(Play clip: "What happens if someone pulls the trigger?" "It shoots confetti & makes a fun party-noise!" Tweeeeeet! "...Tucker did it.")
W: Caboose has his own useful skills, though. Despite that small mind of his, he also possesses incredible strength, allowing him to lift a ridiculously heavy bomb that none of his companions were even able to budge.
B: He's also really good at building things. He even completely rebuilt a destroyed Mantis mech from pieces he found in a shipwreck.
W: Caboose's many feats include defeating an entire army of Tex-bots, re-activating the damaged Epsilon AI unit, & enduring gravity ten times stronger than Earth's in a test given by an alien AI that he named... "Santa".
B: HA! I TOLD you he was real!
W: No, not the ACTUAL Santa! He just NAMED it... Oh, never mind!
B: Anyway, no matter what the challenge, there's no doubt Caboose will be able to SOMEHOW not die in completing it.
(Play clip: "Yay! I saved Tucker! Oh, wait.... I saved Tucker.")
GIR[]
W: Throughout the galaxy, there are many complex civilizations we have yet to discover. The most infamous of them all is the militaristic Irken Empire; a war-faring race that thrives on conquest of other alien planets. Before engaging in full assault, a specialized group of warriors called "invaders" are assigned to weaken the planet's defenses from the inside. Each invader is given a Standard-issue Information Retrieval unit, or "SIR" for short.
B: However, during Operation Impending Doom II, one unwanted guest made his way into the program. His name was Zim, but he's not important in this fight. What we're talking about today is HIS partner, the Garbage-issue Information Retrieval unit, commonly known as GIR.
W: Unlike the advanced technological engineering put into the SIR units, GIR was cobbled together in seven seconds using pieces from damaged units & any items found in the Tallest Purple's pockets. In fact, it's practically a miracle he even works at all.
B: Still, GIR isn't completely useless when it comes to helping dominate the human race. This little guy's head contains an advanced guidance chip that allows him to pinpoint the exact location of a fixed location, such as a building or even other planets! Man, I wish I had him in my car instead of that piece-of-crap GPS that's always sending me into some lake.
W: GIR's head also contains various weapons such as missile-launchers & laser-cannons. The equipment in his body includes x-ray vision, heat-vision, & rocket-boosters in his feet.
B: For convenience, his head has what has been referred to as a "Thermos function", which is just a bunch of empty space used to store random stuff like rubber pigs, food, & even a beehive!
(Play clip: "BEES!" "Aw. My bees.")
W: He's also been used on more than one occasion to take over other machines with his programming such as Zim's smart-base & another SIR unit, when given the right equipment. In addition, GIR contains a program known as "Duty Mode", which sets him to complete functionality for short periods of time, & can be increased to a permanent span using a Behavioral Modulator. When in Duty Mode, GIR is restored to the standard SIR intelligence level, remaining completely focused on his objective & determined to eliminate all that stand in the way of his mission.
B: GIR has successfully controlled an enormous, underground base, destroyed an entire library in less than an hour, & even spotted invisible enemies in less than a second.
W: He's also used his own stupidity as a weapon by unleashing it on the monstrous "Giganto-Baby", a hideous mass of baby-like aliens capable of bending alien metal.
B: You've probably guessed by now that GIR has his fair share of weaknesses. This tin-can has what is probably the most SEVERE case of ADHD in the solar system. Ever forgotten what you were doing about halfway through doing it? Well, one time GIR forgot he was in the middle of screaming in terror & sat down to watch cartoons until Zim reminded him what had just happened!
W: He's also overly trusting, fulfilling orders from known enemies, such as when Dib asked him to put a spy camera in Zim's house so he could watch his evil.
B: Still, no matter how stupid, GIR is still an invaluable part of the fakest mission of Earth conquest ever. And he just looks so damn cute in his little dog costume, too!
(Play clip: "GIR! Come quickly! I've been captured!" "YAAAAAY!" "No, GIR! That's bad!" "YAAAAAY!")
Pre-Fight[]
W: Alright, the combatants are set! It's time to end this debate once & for all!
B: It's time for a Death Battle!
Fight[]
The scene opens on Blood Gulch. Grif & Simmons stand on top of Red Base. They are silent for a bit, until Simmons begins to speak.
"Hey."
"Yeah?" replies Grif.
"You ever wonder why-" Simmons begins to ask before an Irken Voot Runner falls from the sky, crushing them both in a noise combining both "smash" & "splat". The windshield wobbles a bit before a little metal arm smashes through, the rest of the alien glass shattering around it.
"Woo! Do that again!" he cheers from atop the remains of the dashboard. The robot happily steps out as Zim's voice is heard in his head.
"GIR, what did I say about landing the Voot Runner?" Zim yells angrily. "You know it can't handle falling from the upper atmosphere!"
"Oh, yeahhh," he says, looking at the wreckage.
"I keep forgetting not to send you alone on missions," Zim says through the microphone in his home base. "Do you remember your mission, GIR?" he asks. "This planet is inhabited by a group of soldiers with advanced alien weaponry. Your job is to steal some while I monitor the surveillance system. I suggest you-" he begins to say before he is cut off by GIR switching his head to a recording of the Scary Monkey show.
(6 & 1/2 hours later…)
GIR walks over to Blue Base, singing the Doom Song to himself. When he reaches the base, he walks right into Caboose's legs & falls on his butt. Caboose looks down at him.
"Oh. My. God," he says to the little robot. "Church! Is that you? This is your best robot body yet!"
"GIR!" screams Zim, finally regaining control of the communication feed. "That guy is one of the soldiers I told you to avoid! Well, that's just great. Now we have to kill him. Attack, GIR!"
"I don't wanna!" GIR yells. He then salutes & yells "OK!"
"You know what," says Caboose, "I don't think that's Church."
FIGHT!
GIR activates his jet-feet & launches toward Caboose. He then stops on top of the blue Spartan's helmet & grabs his assault rifle from his hands. He pulls the trigger & launches confetti upward into the air. He laughs & continues to pull the trigger, unleashing confetti blast after confetti blast while laughing hysterically.
"Yeah, that's definitely not Church," Caboose deduces. "Every time I fire confetti this long he says to stop trying to kill him."
"Hands off," says a monotone voice coming from Caboose's gun. GIR stops firing, looks at Freckles, & gets smacked in the face as the weapon moves on its own. He lands on his head, Freckles falling back into Caboose's hands. GIR flips back onto his feet, hearing Zim's voice in his head again.
"GIR! Quit fooling around! Do you understand what you're supposed to do?"
"Yes!" GIR replies. "Wait… No."
Zim sighs & responds, "just attack him."
"Yes, sir!" GIR says while saluting. He charges toward Caboose screaming, then runs past him & starts hitting the mysterious skull on his head & laughing.
"GIR!" screams Zim. "If you don't stop messing around I WILL lock you into Duty Mode."
Both Caboose & GIR stop & giggle, "Tee-hee-hee. 'Doodie.'"
"You know what?" asks Zim. "I probably should have done this before you landed." He holds up the behavioral modulator & turns the dial. Back in Blood Gulch, GIR's eyes & chest panel turn red. He turns to look at the blue-clad space marine. The view in his head pointing toward Caboose & his gun, displaying the data for each.
"Enemy soldier sighted!" GIR reports in a noticeably-deeper voice than before. He activates his jet-feet again & launches toward Caboose for the third time.
"Hmm. What's Not-Church see behind me this time?" Caboose asks out loud as he turns around. Looking for an object behind him. A second after he turns around, GIR gives him a flying punch to the back of the head, knocking him forward & causing him to tumble over, dropping Freckles. "Hey!" Caboose yells at GIR from the ground. "That was mean! Bad Not-Church!"
"For the sake of the mission, you must be destroyed," GIR says as he launches himself off Caboose's back & into the air about 30 feet above Blue Base. He starts firing lasers from his eyes toward Caboose, who dodges the onslaught & runs toward the base, grabbing Freckles as he runs past the fallen rifle. GIR rapidly descends toward Caboose, punching him head-on & smashing him into the base's wall, leaving a giant, fractured imprint around his back. Despite the incredible amount of pressure exerted on him, Caboose stands his ground.
"OK," he says to himself, "let's try getting mad. Think. About. Kittens. Kittens… with spikes. Your toast is burnt. And no amount of scraping with remove the black stuff! GRAHHHHHH!" he screams. The blue-armored soldier grabs GIR's arm & flings him into the wall as well while his jet-feet continue to go strong. He shakes it off & launches himself at Caboose, who blocks his strikes again & again with his forearms & weapon. GIR comes in for another attack, but Caboose punches at him, their fists colliding & sending a burst outward from the impact. The ground lightly cracks under Caboose's feet. The little robot flies upward & lands on the roof of Blue Base, his head opening up to reveal about twenty different rocket-launchers, all pointed at Caboose.
"For the good of the mission," he repeats with determination. He begins to launch the rockets one by one in rapid succession. Caboose quickly raises his gun & speaks with a menacing voice.
"Freckles! Program: Aimbot!" With that command, Caboose's gun begins firing toward the stream of missiles, hitting the first-fired directly on the cone. It detonates, causing a chain-explosion all the way up to GIR. The final rocket is caught in the chain a mere foot from his face, the explosion pushing him back about 3 feet. He charges once more, jumps off the roof, & starts firing his heat-vision again. Caboose charges toward GIR, dodging the lasers before they hit him. He holds his arm up, deflecting one of the lasers off his armor, & rams into GIR forearm-first. The little robot tries to fly away, but Caboose grabs him by the metal leg & slams him into the ground, leaving a small crater at the point of impact. He lifts him by the neck again as GIR's eyes turn blue again & he looks around.
"Yayyy!" he cheers. "I'm doomed!" Caboose winds up & throws GIR into the air, making it about 70 feet before ramming face-first into an approaching Falcon helicopter. The propeller's rotor explodes, sending the space-age helicopter crashing down to Earth, landing on/destroying Blue Base in a giant explosion.
K.O.!
GIR's miscellaneous robot appendages fall from the top & clunk to the ground. Tex, Church, & Tucker walked dazed from the wreckage. They look at the remains of their base, then turn to Caboose, clearly glaring angrily beneath their helmets. Caboose looks at the destruction, then at his infuriated teammates, knowing there was only one thing he could do in a situation like this.
"Tucker did it."
Analysis[]
Caboose: Wow! That was awesome!
B: Hey! How the fuck did you get in here?!
C: I used the door.
W: Of course you did.
C: I don't even know how I did that!
B: Well, that's actually what we're about to start talking about before you barged in here.
C: Oh. OK. Sorry, Mr. Broomstick!
W: ANYWAY, it's actually a miracle we could get these two to fight each other in the first place. If it weren't for Zim's control over the Behavioral Modulator, they probably would have just sat down & started eating taquitos out of Caboose's helmet.
B: In the long run, though, Caboose edged GIR out based on his sheer strength & durability.
W: Caboose's most impressive feat was his ability to withstand gravity ten times that of Earth's.Taking into account that the Earth's gravity exerts about 9.807 m/s2 of pressure, this would mean that Caboose is able to shrug off pressure at around 98.07m/s2, which is enough force to easily crush every living thing on the planet in a matter of seconds!
B: This one factor ALONE should have put him on top, but there's also the matter of his surprisingly-tremendous skill in combat. When angered, Caboose has taken out dozens of Tex-bots, which all ran on back-up copies of the Beta AI program. In other words, each individual drone he fought was just as skilled as the real Tex, who is one of the deadliest badasses in the Red vs. Blue universe.
W: GIR, on the other hand, has still accomplished his fair share of chaos & destruction, mainly when downloading his programming into other machinery. Unfortunately, he can only do so when he has access to the necessary technology to do so, such as the house-base's data conduit or Zim's terminal, which he wasn't able to access during this fight.
B: One final thing to mention about GIR is that he's had parts of him, like his arm or head, explode at various points in the Invader Zim series. Using these instances, we're able to confirm that his body is not, in fact, bulletproof, which would mean that Freckles should still be able harm him, despite his body being made of an unconfirmed metal.
W: The rest of his arsenal were made almost completely outweighed by Caboose's superior strength & weaponry.
B: In the end, GIR was inevitably doomed.
C: Is it because I'm the best?
B: Pretty much, blue buddy.
W: The winner is Michael J. Caboose.
[]
B: Next time on Death Battle!
Rokurou Rangetsu vs. Ban
