Description[]
Brian and Morty. 2 people who hang around some of the smartest people alive and when the 2 are compared to them they are complete idiots. Though even without this comparison they are no better a person than their intelligent partners and is often the cannon fodder for all of their weird and unexplainable adventures.
Intro[]
Wiz: Brian Griffin. The Family Dog of the Griffin Family.
Boomstick: Morty Smith. The experimental sidekick to Rick Sanchez.
Wiz: Sometimes when being so intelligent that those around you may seem completely helpless and stupid.
Boomstick: Which for these 2 is completely true even without that saying. They are known for being nearly useless on their own though we are nice enough to give them a chance in a battle to the death to see who is less useless. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to see who would win a Death Battle.
Brian Griffin gets Cutawayed into a Death Battle[]
Boomstick: Hey Wiz. It seems that in todays life there is nothing but violence in movies and sex on tv. But whatever happened to our good old fashion values which we used to rely on? We've lost touch of who we are. We need someone to reteach us our old values. You know who we need?
Wiz: A therapist?
Boomstick: No stupid. What we need is a Family Guy. And I can think of no one more suited to reteach our values than the Griffin Family.
Wiz: Uh I don't know about that. If we're going by what you just said, then the Griffins embody pretty much everything wrong with modern television.
Boomstick: Shut up Meg- I mean Wiz. What is there not to like about the Griffins? They even have a talking dog, and everyone knows that if you are a cartoon show and you have a talking dog means your family/friends are among the best.
Wiz: Well I don't know about that but the life of Brian Griffin is rather humble compared to his outlandish family. Born on a farm in Austin, Texas, Brian was born with a heighten intelligent and the ability to speak. No the series never says why.
Boomstick: Growing up Brian's life was not so great. He may have been smarter sure, but his life never took off. He failed college, failed in being a dad, and failed in getting love. Life was looking down on Brian until the Family Guy himself Peter Griffin decided it to take Brian under his roof.
Popup: Brian's origin in later seasons dramatically changes his origin. In "The Man with Two Brians" it was revealed that Brian was adopted into the Griffins as a puppy and later in "Who's Brian Now?" Brian was actually owned by a different family who didn't care for him before getting adopted into the Griffins.
Wiz: From there on Brian would get adopted and form a tight bond with Peter and the rest of the family; going on the most bizarre, most unexplainable adventures that should realistically never happen.
Boomstick: It's a cartoon Wiz. Shit like that happens all the time. Besides even on the most obscure adventures, Brian can certainly hold his own.
Wiz: Brian is an anthropomorphic White Labrador Retriever. A dog breed that usually become helpful guide dogs, tracking wounded soldiers, water retrieval, and a high intelligence.
Boomstick: Out of all of those only one can best describe Brian. And even when we compare his intelligence to humans that's kind of pushing it. But being a dog has its perks. He can run faster than humans when running on all four, his bites hurts like hell, and has a killer sense of smell and hearing.
Wiz: Brian is great in hand to hand combat, capable of brawling with other members of his family. He can survive even when his body is completely messed up, heal from minor wounds from one scene to another, and is exceptionally skilled in weaponry.
Boomstick: Yeah yeah that's fine. Just get to the part where he does the thing.
Wiz: What thing?
Boomstick: You know, the thing where they talk and then some random clip happens. It happens literally in almost every single episode.
Wiz: Ah you must be talking about Brian's ability to use the art of "The Cutaway". To be perfectly honest, it's kind of hard to describe them. Not because of there being an extensive lore behind them, but because the Cutaways can be anything depending on the situation.
Boomstick: So you get an incredibly vague What If scenario, combined with a flashback both real or not, combined with a self inserted fan fiction of whatever the hell just happened, and what you get is basically a Cutaway. They could literally be whatever the sayer is saying.
Wiz: It goes even deeper than that. Depending on the cutaway, it can even alter the present world. Peter on one hand can even use the Cutaways to teleport wherever he wants and can even will things into existence just by talking. This power even extends to Brian to a certain extent. Upon accomplishing whatever the Cutaway is he can turn invisible for a short period of time.
Boomstick: So you're saying that I too can have a gold bath like Scrooge Mcduck? Let me try. "This is just like that time I had a mountain sized pool full of beer that Wiz bought me when he keeps blowing up my stacks for his stupid experiments."
Boomstick closed his eyes waiting in anticipation for the Cutaway to happen. When he opened his eyes, he sees that nothing has happened.
Boomstick: Wait... Why did nothing happened?
Wiz: That's the thing. Cutaways are mysterious in nature. The show at times has had accidental Cutaways happen when the sayer misspoke like when Peter said he could eat a horse, and the result was... not literal. There have even been times where Cutaways just don't happen. Either because of a budget issue or because the studio behind the Cutaways just don't have the correct clip. Or perhaps even more so, it doesn't work... just because.
Popup: On one such occasion in the episode "Cutawayland", Cutaways have been depicted as hailing from a completely separate dimension that the family can actively warp and summon any objects they can think of. But by the episode's end it was revealed to be part of a hallucination Peter had.
Boomstick: Wait wait wait. Studio? The whole things not real?
Wiz: Well yes and no. Family Guy is a show, both in universe and in real life and everyone in the show, including Brian is fully aware of this. Though this shouldn't dampen Brian's capabilities because, at the end of the day, he's still a walking talking dog.
Boomstick: That's kinda terrifying now that I think about it. But this seemingly allows Brian to break the fourth wall whenever the hell he feels like it. Whether he's talking directly to the audience or when he accidentally annoyed the animator into leaving.
Wiz: Overtime Brian's life would take a turn for the better. He would turn to a life of being a writer, wrote a play that would go on to get a theater adaptation, but despite being closest friends with Peter, he more often finds himself in a much better relationship with the family's baby Stewie. Who, despite being a baby, is capable of speech and complex thinking.
Boomstick: And for some odd reason only Brian can hear him speak. Or Chris, and sometimes the neighbors, or Lois on 2 occasions, or anyone else that isn't in his main family.
Wiz: Oh but Stewie is more than a talking baby. He's a super genius. Capable of inventing high class machinery from high power artillery weapons, to body swapping technology, to even machines capable of traveling through space and time.
Boomstick: Which lead to Brian's adventures going from bizarre to complete science fiction. From traveling through time to save Mort from the Nazi's to traveling the multiverse to stop Stewie's brother Bertram from the destroying his home universe. And Brian picked up some sweet gear to stop them.
Popup: In certain parody episodes like "Blue Harvest" or "High School English", Brian and the rest of the cast would go on adventures of entirely different stories which he is capable of remembering in the main story. However it's difficult to justify their properties as part of his standard arsenal and it's possible that his recalling of such events are just a result of his fourth wall awareness.
Wiz: Is that even canon?
Boomstick: It's Family Guy Wiz. Nothing is canon.
Wiz: Fair. To stop Bertram, Brian comes packing with pistols, shotguns, sniper rifles, freeze rays, and a stun gun. He's even comes equipped with Molotov cocktails to burn his enemies and he can even increase his physique through consuming beer.
Boomstick: HA!!! I told you beer is a suitable energy drink replacement. He's even gained some unique gag powers like being able to hear one's thoughts and once even transformed into a werewolf during a Disney reboot. Uh why doesn't he do stuff like these more often?
Wiz: Don't look at me. The gains these powers out of nowhere because... that's just Family Guy. But still even with one time powers or not Brian has assisted in saving his loved ones on more than one occasions when the time came to it. Like when he and Stewie saved Meg from being sold to sex trafficking, or that time he and Stewie helped Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase stop a soviet invasion, or that time he and Stewie helped save Chris from dying on the Titanic.
Boomstick: Yeah if the amount of times that Wiz said Stewie has made it clear, it's mostly the baby that does most of the work. But there have been times where Brian has gotten shit done all on his own. Like when he stopped the universe from being rewinded by messing with Stevie's time machine.
Wiz: Though Brian doesn't always solve his problems with his head or aid. He's quick enough to dodge gunfire and on one such occasion even disappeared from sight in the span of a lighting flash. And he's just as strong to match, even going against the rest of the Griffin family on more than one occasion.
Boomstick: Which should make him comparable to Peter. You know the same fat idiot who survived a building collapsing on top of him, survived a space shuttle crash, endured getting shot at a house from a carnival cannon, and survived being kicked out of Korea... literally.
Wiz: Brian would do a lot to prove time and time again that he indeed has those old values that we once used, but unfortunately as time went on he would prove that he is no better than his idiotic family.
Boomstick: Oh yeah. Everyone knows early Brian was the one that comes up with logical explanations but nowadays he's sort of the punching bag of the franchise that everyone shits on and hates. A new age Meg if you will. And it's no surprise that he turned into a complete dick.
Wiz: Like the time he riding coattails on his son who was a successful actor, or that time he let his fat wife choke to death because he didn't want to go through a divorce or receive hate blame, or when he let a woman die because she had a baby, or that time he once tried to force himself onto Lois, and do you remember how he once saved time from being rewinded? Well guess why it rewinded in the first place.
Boomstick: It was all Brian. And it all began because he didn't want Stewie to know the he was using his time machine to plow women. Oh and being a dog also has it's drawbacks. He's scared of everything that dogs ares scared of. Lightning, vacuums, suppository pills, the works.
Wiz: But despite his flaws Brian proved to be an integral member of his family. Even at times willing to sacrifice himself to protect those who actually care to him and has had some success with his new family. He made amends with his mother, became a successful smut director and winning a woody award, and learned how much the Griffins cared for him whether they showed it or not.
Boomstick: Well that's good and all but I'm sure there will be something in the show that will beat Brian down, though I doubt any of them will keep him down for good.
Wiz: Despite being a dog, Brian at the end of the day might just be our Family Guy.
Brian: Seabreeze? Hey. Well, you smell... inseminated. I can't believe you're pregnant again. God, didn't you learn anything the last time?
Seabreeze walks in the house.
Brian: Would you like some water? A treat? Towel to bleed on?
Just as he said that, Carter jumped in along with 2 policemen behind him.
Carter: I knew it! Arrest this dog! He violated my restraining order and impregnated Seabreeze!
Brian: What?! No I didn't!
Carter: He's lying... And he's not caucasian.
After being bribed with money, the 2 policemen begun to beat up Brian.
Morty Smith is forced into a Death Battle[]
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Death Battle[]
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Results[]
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Comparisons[]
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