| Brandon Breyer vs. John Hancock | |
|---|---|
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| Season 7, Episode 6 | |
| Air date | June 10, 2022 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
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Brandon Breyer vs. John Hancock is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Brandon Breyer from the 2019 horror movie, Brightburn, and John Hancock from the 2008 superhero movie, Hancock.
Description[]
Two sort-of-Supermen, who fight it out to decide who’s the greatest!
Interlude[]
Boomstick: Superman has made a deep impression on the entire world
Wiz: But, what if the Big Blue Boy Scout was no Boy Scout?
Boomstick: Well, there’ve been stories like that as well, and today we have two these characters waiting in the wings.
Wiz: The first is Brandon Breyer, the villain from the 2019 horror movie, Brightburn.
Boomstick; And the second is John Hancock, the anti-hero from the 2008 superhero movie, Hancock.
Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.
Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Brandon Breyer[]
Wiz: It’s a pretty common story; a baby was placed in an interstellar spaceship, and blasted off to Earth. The ship crashed-landed in rural America, and the baby was adopted by a couple that could not conceive a child of their own. They named the baby, Brandon Breyer.
Boomstick: He grew up, but puberty hit Brandon pretty hard, especially as the couple that had found him had also brought his spaceship to their farm, and the ship established a psychic link with the kid. It turned out that Brandon was sent to Earth, not to avoid something bad at home, but to conquer the blue planet. Apparently, his species is some sort of an aggressive imperialist species.
Wiz: Brandon became more disturbed and disturbing, causing him to be ostracized by his school-mates. He developed a crush on a girl, but when she rejected him, he squeezed her hand so hard that he broke it. After that, Brandon entered a downward spiral, with him murdering several people, including a couple of police officers.
Boomstick: Brandon’s adoptive father, Kyle Breyer, took him out hunting, and shot the boy in the back of the head with his hunting rifle. Well, not too surprisingly, Kyle found out that Brandon was immune to bullets, and Brandon killed him with his laser-vision.
Wiz: Brandon’s adoptive mother, Tori, noticed that Brandon cut his hand on his spaceship, so she decided that the metal that it was made out of something that would harm the boy. She broke a piece of the ship off, and made a sort of makeshift knife.
Boomstick: Known in the parlance, Wiz, as a shiv. Well, Tori was not quite as sneaky as she thought, and Brandon quickly figured out what she was doing. So, he simply picked her up, and flew high into the air, where he dropped her.
Wiz: After that, it was all pretty down hill for the boy. He purposely crashed an airplane to cover his crimes, and then he went on a worldwide rampage, knocking down buildings and murdering masses of people. Boomstick: Yeah, no superpower merit badges for this Boy Scout.
Wiz: Brandon has a rather formidable array of superpowers at his disposal. One of his more potent powers is his superhuman strength, which allowed him to throw a lawnmower a long distance, pick up a pickup truck, and even crush stone and metal in his bare hands.
Boomstick: Another power he has is that he can travel at superhuman speeds, which allowed him to move almost instantaneously behind someone, and almost seem to be in several places at once. He is able to combine this speed with his enormous strength, allowing him to really mess up a human being.
Wiz: Like the legendary Man of Steel, Brandon can fly and even hover. He can fly extremely fast, being able to catch up to a jet airliner, and then make it crash.
Boomstick: He has laser-vision, of course, which he can use like a blowtorch. He can use it to cut through metal doors, and people’s craniums. When he gets ready to use this power, his eyes begin to smolder red, which he has used as a form of intimidation.
Wiz: He is rather resistant to physical harm of almost any sort. He once stuck his hand in a running lawnmower, and suffered no damage, while the blade of the mower was effectively destroyed. His adoptive father shot him in the back of his head with a high-power rifle, at close range...
Boomstick: Thanks, Dad!
Wiz: ...and while the bullet seemed to hurt Brandon, it didn’t even break his skin.
Boomstick: Also, the boy has demonstrated some limited telekinesis, causing things to float around him, and caused electric lights to flicker with just his will.
Wiz: Now, Brandon Breyer is no musclehead. In his schoolwork he was placed among the top 1% of academic performers in the United States, and he was able to use intelligent planning to commit and cover-up his atrocities. And, he is smart enough to hide his abilities behind a facade of being a harmless child.
Boomstick: Yeah, that Brandon is a cute kid, but don’t underestimate him. He is a bloodthirsty S.O.B., who will stop at nothing...well, ever. Beware this boy!
John Hancock[]
Wiz: John Hancock, kind of like John Doe, the name suggests an unknown man. And John Hancock is unknown, even to himself.
Boomstick: Hancock is the resident superhero for Los Angeles, and the local inhabitants don’t think a whole lot of him. He’s an alcoholic, and what he does often causes more damage than if he hadn’t done anything at all…well, nobody’s perfect.
Wiz: But things began to change when Hancock rescued Ray Embrey, a public relations expert. Embrey knew that Hancock had what it took to be loved by L.A., so he took Hancock under his wing.
Boomstick: Well, it turned out that Old Ray knew exactly what he was talking about, and before you knew it, Hancock was the toast of the town. However, everything was not all hunky-dory in Hancockville. At a congratulatory dinner with Ray and his wife, Hancock informed them that he had lost his memory, and could only remember as far back as waking up in a hospital 80 years earlier.
Wiz: Hancock was getting strange feelings from Ray’s wife, Mary, so he decided to steal a kiss. Mary returned the kiss passionately, and then threw him through a wall and down the street, exposing that he was not the only one with superpowers.
Boomstick: Hancock met with Mary the next day, and she informed him that they were the last of an ancient race of superior beings, and that they were siblings. Well, he knew that that was not a sisterly kiss she gave him, so he flew away to tell Ray her little secret. That rather ticked the little woman off, and she flew after him, and proceeded to engage him in a massive battle the likes of which the City of Angels has never seen!
Wiz: Having witnessed their super-powered fracas, Ray confronted the two, and forced Mary to tell then the whole truth. Apparently, there were at one time many super-humans on the Earth, and that they tended to pair off. However, being around their opposite number made them lose their powers, so their numbers dwindled until Hancock and Mary were left as the last two.
Boomstick: When Hancock was injured, Mary decided to leave him, and start a new life. Hancock recovered from his injuries, and got his superpowers back, but never did recover his memories. As such, Mary went on to being a secretly super-powered housewife, while Hancock went on to being L.A.’s superman.
Wiz: Shortly thereafter, Hancock was injured during a liquor store robbery, and sent to the hospital; his superpowers having been drained by being too close to Mary for too long.
Boomstick: To cut a long story short, a criminal that was wounded by Hancock, during a bank robbery, tries to get his revenge on the hero, and Mary is nearly killed in the process. Hancock escapes the scene, and both recover their powers. And so, he goes on fighting crime, but always knowing that he must keep his distance from Mary.
Wiz: When it comes to powers, the first thing you’ll notice about John Hancock is his superhuman strength. He can throw steel girders, and cars and buses like they weigh nothing. He even picked up a grey whale and threw it waaaay out to sea; the creature probably weighing about 90,000 pounds! He sharpened a metal disk with his fingernail, and threw that as a weapon. And, during his battle with Mary Embrey, their fight easily destroyed whole buildings.
Boomstick: He also has a really strong invulnerability. He was shot at point blank range with machine pistols, and didn’t seem the least bit phased. He let a speeding freight train crash into him; not only leaving him uninjured, but it didn’t even move him an inch. He even batted a rocket propelled grenade away, sending it flying off.
Wiz: He can fly, though his flightpath often seems a bit wobbly, and landing without causing damage to the surrounding area is something he finds difficult. But, he can apparently fly real fast, flying across the city in mere seconds. He even flew to the Moon to do some sculpting to help out Ray Embrey. That was a flight of about 239,000 miles, almost entirely without air, and he apparently did it in very little time indeed. Boomstick: Even on those rare occasions when Hancock was actually injured, he was able to recover in remarkably short order. Apparently, the only limiting factor on his healing factor is his proximity to Mary.
Wiz: A bit of a wildcard is that Hancock does seem to have some sort of weather control abilities. When he fought Mary, they summoned up a fantastic storm the spun off tornadoes in down downtown L.A. And, when they stopped fighting, the storm dissipated as quickly as it formed.
Boomstick: So, while we’ve seen that Mary Embrey is quite a weakness for Hancock, he does have one other, and that’s alcohol. For some unknown reason, drinking large quantities of alcohol causes Hancock to act irresponsibly, using his powers in a reckless manner, and causing all sort of unnecessary damage.
Wiz: That sounds like someone I know.
Boomstick: Yeah, Grandpa Boomstick, God rest his playful soul. But Hancock is definitely a super...man. Cross him, and you’re going to find yourself with your head in a very bad place!
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight []
Hancock thundered out of the sky, and touched down in the green field, spraying a shower of mud in all directions. All around him, the forest roared in its fire. He made a sour face, and turned towards the nearby lake. It was just what he needed.
He flew over to the lake, and splash-landed into it. He surfaced, and disgustedly spat out a mouthful of the greenish water. Then, he began to spin. He spun faster and faster, until he became an indistinct blur. He shifted his arms, and water began to spray in every direction.
As he spun faster, the water flew farther and farther. Finally, the blur of Hancock spun on the bottom of an empty lake.
He stopped spinning, and grabbed his head with both hands, as if it would still keep spinning if he didn’t. Then, he looked around. The soaked forest stood glistening in the afternoon sunshine, with steam rising from the burned parts of it.
He nodded his head, which caused him to reel dizzily to the side.
Hancock did a ground level tour of the town of Brightburn, Kansas, inspecting the damage that was laid out across the little city. There were various small pieces of damage, but the collapsed office building attracted his attention the most.
Nearby, a line of barricades held back the various gawkers and sightseers, but one in particular caught his attention. Among the people talking and looking, there was a young boy staring directly at him. His gaze never wavered.
Hadn’t he seen this boy before?
Hancock flew out to the site where the passenger jet had crashed. The devastation looked to be total.
Walking up to view the wreckage, he studied the strange symbol that someone had drawn there. It didn’t look like a mark that was supposed to be there, so presumably it was done after the crash. Some sort of graffito.
He looked around the field, and amongst the workers he spotted a young boy. Was it the boy that he had spotted in the city? That wasn’t possible.
He leaped into the air, and landed not far from the child, taking a couple of steps to come to a halt.
The boy was staring at him. He wasn’t glaring angrily, or gazing in admiration. As a matter of fact, the boy’s face seemed to register no emption whatsoever.
“This is some pretty messed up sh...stuff. Are you from around here?” he asked somewhat nervously. Communicating with children had never been one of his strong suits.
Suddenly, someone called him from the side.
“Hey, Hancock! Glad to see you!” the voice said.
Hancock turned, and waved back at a man that was waving at him. When he turned back, he was surprised to see that the young boy was gone. He looked to the left, and to the right, and then all around, but the boy was nowhere to be seen.
This was getting weirder and weirder.
Hancock flew back to the Brightburn city hall, and landed as gracefully as he could, before the front stairs.
He brushed at his chest, and then looked at his shoulder to see if he had picked up any other bits of stuff during his flight. He brushed his shoulder, and suddenly found that he was staring right at the strange boy again.
‘There is no way that this is a coincidence,’ he thought to himself.
Hancock straightened up, and walked over to the child.
He looked down at the boy with his eyes narrowed, and said, “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I would swear that you were following me.”
The young boy looked up at him with the same bored look on his face. But, Hancock could see something in his eyes. Indeed, he could almost hear the gears turning in the boy’s head.
He leaned down towards the boy, and asked, “All right, let's try it this way. *How* have you been following me?”
FIGHT! []
Suddenly, the boy just seemed to explode. Hancock felt an impact on his chest, and he was thrown through the air. He landed on his back, in the middle of town’s square, wondering what had happened.
He stood up, and then he was impacted on his left side, throwing him that way. This time, he didn't even have time to land before he was hit again.
He was struck again and again, thrown left and right, forward and backward.
Finally, he flew into a Civil War monument, toppling the marble statue of an old soldier, and smashing a Civil War cannon. The wooden wheels from the weapon's carriage rolled away wobbly in two separate directions.
Hancock leaped up with the barrel of the cannon in his hands. He had just enough time to see boy flying at him, like a missile. He pulled back the cannon and swung. The cannon connected with the flying boy, and sent him flying backwards...through a nearby store, and out the back.
"Damn!" Hancock said. He was trying to avoid any unnecessary damage.
He tossed the cannon aside, and leaped into the air, flying after the boy.
Overhead, storm clouds began to gather, and thunder began to rumble.
Brandon came flying out of the air, aimed directly at Hancock. He slammed into him, and left him spinning in the air like a top.
Hancock steadied his movement, and when Brandon next flew in he grabbed ahold of the flying boy. The two tumbled and whirled in the air, but then they stabilized in the air.
Hancock grabbed Brandon by the shoulders, and held him at an arm's distance.
"Boy, what hell is going on here?!" he demanded.
Suddenly, Brandon's eyes flared, and beams of burning energy shot into Hancock's eyes. Hancock screamed, and let go of the boy. He plummeted to the ground.
The storm clouds that had begun to abate suddenly roared back to life.
Hancock stood up, and looked around. Nearby, he spotted a sports field, with a pair of soccer goals. He leaped into the air, and flew towards one.
He could hear Brandon catching up to him, so he swooped low, and grabbed up the goal as he passed.
When he judged the time to be right, he turned, and wrapped the net around the boy.
“Ha!” he yelled triumphantly.
Unexpectedly, Brandon went into a spin. Hancock held onto the net, and was spun round the boy like a cow caught in a tornado.
Then, the net ripped, and Hancock found himself flying through the air like an unguided missile. He flew across the field, and into a picnic area.
He stood up, just in time to see Brandon closing on him, so he picked up a picnic table, and hurled it at the oncoming boy.
Brandon flew through the table, shattering it into splinters, and collided with Hancock, sending him flying backwards. He flew through the air, and crashed through the door of a church, and into the sanctuary.
Looking around at the destruction, Hancock announced, “That’s it!”
Suddenly, Brandon smashed in through a wall, and collided with him, throwing him through the far wall, and out into a parking lot.
“Goddamn it! I said that’s IT!” he yelled.
He spotted the boy circling back for another attack, so he leaped into the air, and flew straight at him.
The two collided with the sound of an explosion. As they plummeted to the ground, Hancock wrapped his arms around the boy, and held him close.
They hit the ground, and Brandon writhed in Hancock’s grip, trying to wrench himself free. His eyes flared back to life, and the beams immediately vaporized the cloth nearest to his face.
Hancock yelled, and squeezed the boy tighter.
Brandon fought harder, his laser-vision burning and burning at his attacker.
Hancock yelled, and squeezed even tighter.
Suddenly, there was a loud cracking noise, and Brandon went limp, the beams from his eyes winking out.
K.O.! []
Hancock dropped the boy, and leaped back, brushing at his chest like it was on fire. As a matter of fact, it felt like he was on fire!
He flew over to a nearby fire hydrant, ripped the top off, and directed the flow of the water against his chest.
After some ten or fifteen seconds, he reached down and squeezed the broken hydrant closed, stopping the flow of water.
Overhead, the storm clouds that Hancock hadn’t even noticed dissipated back into the warm, sunny day.
Results[]
Boomstick: Umm...Wiz, you know that we can never air this episode, right?
Wiz: Nonetheless, this was the battle we were given, and this is the battle that we examined.
Boomstick: So, why did the kid lose? Was it just that he was smaller, more inexperienced?
Wiz: Frankly, it turned out that old John Hancock had more and better feats than Brandon Breyer did. Brandon tended to rely on a quick form of attack that allowed him to plow into his opponent at high-speed, inflicting a great deal of damage from the kinetic energy that he had built up. That was how he beat Deputy Ayres, and how he absolutely destroyed Sheriff Deever
Boomstick: Unfortunately for Brandon, Hancock was simply not likely to be hurt by such an attack. He took a direct hit from a speeding freight train, and he didn’t even seem to feel it. Also, he took punches from Mary Embrey, another super-power individual, which didn’t seem to harm him in the least.
Wiz: Brandon, on the other hand could be injured by the metal of his spaceship, and even appeared to feel pain when he was shot in the back of the head with a hunting rifle.
Boomstick: Brandon had an ace in the hole, in the form of his heat-vision. However, he was only shown to use it once, when he used it to kill his adoptive father. When he did that, the heat took several seconds to kill him, giving him time to cry out. Hancock rescued people from a burning building, which burned off nearly all of his clothing, showing that heat of that level could also not cause him any serious damage.
Wiz: Now, Brandon did show that he could move too fast for the human eye to follow, which was another great feat, but Hancock did fly to Moon and back, showing that he too could probably move extraordinarily fast. Brandon may have been faster, but that was just not an ability that would give him an edge over Hancock.
Boomstick: No, Hancock could take anything that Brandon could dish out, and was strong enough to dish out a lot of whoop-ass, no doubt more than the less-invulnerable Brandon could take.
Wiz: And that is why the winner is John Hancock!
