| Bwahaha! | |
|---|---|
| Season | 3 |
| Season Episode | 1 |
| Air date | Some day… |
| Written by | Cheesypickles564 |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Superman vs Optimus Prime |
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Bowser vs Satan is a What-If? Death Battle written by Cheesypickles564 featuring Bowser from Super Mario against Satan from Puyo Puyo.
Description[]
Super Mario vs Puyo Puyo. When you’re oh-so-hopelessly in love, whaddya do? Talk it out? Nope, you become the biggest, baddest big bad your world has ever seen! Will Bowser prove he’s the real villain here, or will Satan extinguish his flame for good?
Interlude[]
Puppy: Bowser, the devilish King of Koopas.
Kitty: And Satan, the lovestruck king of Puyo Hell!
Puppy: The villain. The big-bad. The bad guy. There are many terms for what lies at the end of every hero’s journey, and more often than not they’re the scariest, most intimidating—
Kitty: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not in this case. They’re flamboyant, powerful and in love!
Puppy: But when need be, these two can be the most intimidating you’ll face.
Kitty: He’s Puppy and I’m Kitty!
Puppy: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
“Bowser Has a Shell of a Time in Death Battle!”[]
(Cue: Bowser Battle 1 - Super Mario Odyssey)
Puppy: It’s a tale as old as time—the loyal knight leaving all behind to save the damsel in distress from the mighty dragon.
Kitty: I never heard ‘bout that…I was raised on video games…good for me, though, that’s what we’re talkin’ about today! In the magical Mushroom Kingdom, the story’s practically the same, but with a few twists!
Puppy: Taking the place of the loyal knight is an Italian plumber with an iconic mustache and a name everyone knows, Super Mario! And the ”damsel in distress” who always falls into the clutches of the villain is the Mushroom Kingdom’s princess, Peach.
Kitty: …You sure she’s just really bad at defending herself? She’s definitely letting herself get captured to get laid at this point…
Puppy: AHEM! And finally, filling the spot of the big and bad big-bad dragon is none other than King of the Koopas, Bowser!
Kitty: Your books lied. That’s not a dragon. That’s a fucking turtle.
Puppy: Huh…?
Kitty: You’re supposed to be the smart one… born as one of the seven Star Children, Bowser was prophesied to have an extraordinary amount of power, but this future was snuffed by his taste for EVIL! He started early by sending his caretaker, Kamek to attack a stork delivery that carried two of the other Star Children. It kinda failed though, ‘cause he only came back with one of ‘em.
Puppy: These two were prophesied to be the foil to all of Bowser’s future schemes, and you can probably take it from there…it was Mario and Luigi!
Kitty: Bowser had it coming from the start…after him and Kamek were rocked by Yoshi and Baby Mario in their attempt to save Luigi, Bowser ran off with Kamek. The lizard-wizard raised and nursed him into the evil turtle king, not dragon king, we know today!
Puppy: Just drop it. Somewhere along the line Bowser would create a kingdom of his own where he was in charge called the Koopa Kingdom. Awesome lava pools, giant castles, loyal soldiers—their goal…
Kitty: To get Princess Peach to actually love Bowser! Poor King Koopa’s feelings for Peach weren’t reciprocated, so his plan? Kidnap her!
Puppy: This would spark an age-old, classic, good-vs-evil rivalry between Bowser and Peach’s other lover, Mario!
Kitty: ‘Course if you’ve experienced this series even a little bit, you’d know that every encounter does not end well for Bowser. Every time, no matter what scheme the Koopa King has, Mario always manages to stop him!
Puppy: He’s tried to frame Mario, take over the Mushroom Kingdom, and even create a massive black hole just to impress Peach, and it never works! It’s pathetic! Kitty: I wouldn’t say Bowser’s pathetic…he’s got immense physical strength, sharp claws for scratchin’, and he can sing!
Puppy: But what’s definitely his most iconic and useful ability is his fire-breath. Burning at temperatures of at least 3.6 million degrees, this fire can be utilized in many ways—fireballs, bigger fireballs, purple fireballs…a lot of fireballs. He can also cast curses, poison others, turn them into bricks, actually warp reality, heal himself by biting his opponent and sucking out their life force, and he’s got plenty more random but useful abilities.
Kitty: It’s not just physical abilities though, he’s got a lot of weapons under his belt too! He’s skilled at wielding hammers, shells with different abilities depending on color and his Clown Car, a tricked-out ride that’s useful for clowning on your opponents on the battlefield and in a race! Not to mention the Power Stars, powerful stars that can create black holes!
Puppy: But what’s most impressive is his survivability through his different forms. First up is Meowser, a form where Bowser harnesses the power of the “Cat Bell”.
Kitty: So is he mammal or reptile? Meowser can climb walls, spit out fireballs or just really hot hairballs, and perform a forward dive attack. Powerful? Yes. Intimidating? Not at all. Puppy: After that is Fury Bowser, his most intimidating form. Born out of his rage, this form is super big and super deadly to match.
Kitty: Bigger Bowser can create spikes from ripped pieces of the ground and breathe even more powerful fire. He’s even the giant-turtle equivalent of a soccer mom, always havin’ a soccer ball on hand. Except these ones are bombs. Puppy: And then there’s his “cheat code” of forms, Dry Bowser. Even if Bowser is melted down to the bone and essentially just killed, he can live on as Dry Bowser, who can detach his bones and throw them, jump even higher than normal Bowser, and raise lava from the ground!
Kitty: So it’s like the failsafe of Bowser forms, got it. ‘Course a good leader isn’t much without his army, and Bowser’s got his own little gang under his command.
- Goombas: Small, brown mushroom creatures who can be killed by stomping on them
- Koopa Troopas: Yellow lizards who come in different shell colors, with their shells being weapons after their defeat. There’s also forms of them who throw weapons like boomerangs and hammers and even football players!
- Dry Bones: Skeletal Koopas who can’t be killed with normal methods
- Boos: Intangible ghosts who try to get the jump on you when you look away
- Piranha Plants: Plants confined to pipes who can bite. Really good.
- Bullet Bills: Living bullets that can operate on their own but are mainly fired from cannons
- Cheep-Cheeps: Dangerous fish with big lips and bigger jumps
- Shy Guys: Masked creatures who normally carry a weapon of sorts
- Thwomps: Heavy living stones coated in spikes
- Chain Chomps: Metallic dogs who both act and bite like dogs
- And more. Many more
Kitty: And don’t forget Kamek, Bowser’s caretaker-turned-magician-general who can cast spells that either mess up the opponent or help Bowser by increasing his size and power or straight-up reviving him!
Puppy: Of course, Bowser can certainly pull off things without Kamek’s help. He’s capable of shaking an entire mountain and punching a castle around the entire world, which would equate the amount of energy required to destroy a small country.
Kitty: That’s not even the peak of it! With his Galaxy Reactor, Bowser had enough power to create and destroy galaxies. ‘Course, Mario still thwarted him but ended up creating a supermassive black hole on a scale so large that it began to tear up the entire universe! And Bowser survived that!
Popup: What is somewhat harder to calculate is the Rosalina’s reset of the universe after the black hole happened. How it can be calculated is based on how it’s interpreted—and we interpret it as Rosalina being the only one who should scale, as Bowser and Mario could have simply been remade alongside the universe rather than actually surviving the reset.
Puppy: A lot of Bowser’s higher feats come from his rivalry with Mario. The plumber’s fought off the likes of Wario, who destroyed a universe-creating Black Jewel, and King Wart, who put a curse over Subcon that ended up changing the very structure of that universe.
Kitty: Eh, that frog’s a fraud. What’s even crazier is that Bowser’s outright stated to be a universal threat himself, and he can take all of these universe-ending attacks from Mario without even scratching his shell! Makes me wonder how he loses to big red all the time…
Puppy: And despite all of his muscle, he’s actually very quick on his feet. He’s been capable time and time again of catching up to Mario, who’s outsped a black hole. Mario alone’s even stated to run faster than light!
Kitty: ‘Course he’s even faster with his Clown Car, which is impressive ‘cause he was able to travel to the center of the universe in a short period of time. In the Clown Car, Bowser can move from his home planet to another far-off galaxy in an even shorter pocket of time!
Puppy: He’s fought toe-to-toe with Count Bleck, who could destroy an entire universe with the “Dark Prognostics”, he’s superior to Kamek who could flood the entire world, and even fought against Cursa, who is superior to the likes of those who can survive universe-ending black holes.
Kitty: Sounds really familiar, huh? With that shell of his, though, he’s also super tanky! He’s survived his own castle exploding on him, falling into a star, an explosion that leveled a tennis stadium, and attacks from the world-destroying Megabug!
Puppy: But if you’ve lost that many times, you’ve got to be doing something wrong. In Bowser’s case, it’s his arrogance—he tends to overlook obvious flaws in his strategies simply out of rage for his opponent.
Kitty: Of course he’s arrogant, he literally puts the axe that kills him in a wide-open space behind him! ‘Course over the years, him and Mario have straightened out a bit. Their rivalry has dissolved, and they’ve teamed up more than once.
Puppy: But that’s all the more reason for Bowser to kick him while he’s down! This big-bad Koopa King is one of gaming’s most iconic villains, and he will never stop until he gets the girl and finally defeats that pesky plumber!
Bowser: “Yo! I kidnapped the princess while you were running around. She’s here in my castle, if you dare to try and rescue her. Ha ha ha…”
“Satan Takes Death Battle into Puyo Puyo Hell!”[]
(Cue: Theme for Satan - Puyo Puyo Genesis)
Puppy: Balance. It’s one of the fundamentals of the universe. Nothing can exist without its opposite.
Kitty: Can hot exist without cold? Can love exist without hate? The Yin-Yang we’re talking about now is the conflict between good and evil. Space empires and death rays vs one man! The classic stuff!
Puppy: And the opposite of Puyo Puyo’s pure-good, a spell caster named Arle Nadja who’s always in search of an adventure…
Kitty: Is the fire-breathing ruler of Hell, Satan! But he isn’t really scary like his biblical counterpart, he’s more of a…”greasy grandpa” who loves puzzles.
Puppy: Originally a holy warrior named Lucifer, he chosen to lead Heaven’s armies against humanity in Apocalypse, a giant, earth-spanning war that would go down in history.
Kitty: Yeah, Heaven thought the humans got a bit too uppity and decided to wipe them out. Lucifer was all for it, until he met the love of his life, Lilith—a mage fightin’ against him. Enemies to lovers…
Puppy: But when Lucifer tried to actually hook up with Lilith, she used the “Seraphim Orb” to rebuild the universe, merging every dimension together into one world. Lucifer was blamed by Heaven for letting his love blind him from his job, and his wings were ripped apart. Lucifer was cast into the surface world, where he changed his name to…
Kitty: Satan! See, it is like the Bible! Somewhere along the line, Satan would meet a bunny named Carbuncle and adopt him as his pet. This is actually super important, ‘cause Satan didn’t learn his lesson about love and promised to himself that he’d marry whoever ended up with Carbuncle if he got lost…super specific…
Puppy: And in a crazy twist of fate, Carbuncle would end up in the hands of the aforementioned hero of Puyo Puyo, Arle.
Kitty: Satan was so down bad for Arle that he’d craft the most diabolical schemes just for an excuse to get with her! “I’ll marry anyone who beats my dungeon!” this and “Beat me at my own game and then marry me!” that!
Puppy: Problem for him, though, is that Arle isn’t interested. At all. But he’s so determined that he won’t stop making puzzles for her until she likes him back!
Kitty: These puzzles are known as “Puyo Pop”, and more often than not Satan is the best competitor the game has to offer. It’s like Candy Crush, almost, except you’re ‘gainst an opponent.
Puppy: Even if most of the games aren’t centered around combat, Satan can still put up a fight. He’s capable of summoning massive hordes of Puyos, multicolored slime-like creatures.
Kitty: Puttin’ four Puyos of the same color together can create a small blast of energy that can easily be harnessed as an attack. Satan also has a sword he can wield with such skill that he splits the ground in two with individual blows! ‘Course he doesn’t even need this sword, ‘cause he can create blades in his hand out of pure light!
Popup: Did we forget to mention that he breathes fire?
Kitty: Hell, he even named both swords “the Satan Blade”! I’ve always thought it was awesome to name an attack after yourself…watch out when I hit you with the “Kitty punch of death!” or the “Kitty specifically-timed haymaker to the back!” Hehe…
Puppy: He can also throw fire in the form of fireballs, fire beams, fire pillars…
Kitty: Oh, and the “Kitty sweet-and-sour drop kick of despair!”
Puppy: …black fireballs, and he can also just cover the enemy in fire. He’s even capable of creating volcanoes and attacking with them which is—
Kitty: METAL as hell! Satan can just straight-up pocket somebody’s ability and shoot it right back at them, create “Devil Twisters” which are giant tornadoes, freeze his opponents, create lightning bolts, and many, MANY more attacks.
Puppy: But by far, his most powerful weapon is—
Kitty: His ukulele!
Puppy: Would you stop interrupting—
Kitty: The man’s a pro at this thing! Just look at him go!
Puppy: It’s his Crystal Ball. This magical orb of mysterious origin gives Satan enough power to do things like enlarge the sun…for a tan…?
Kitty: C’mon, life’s more frisky when you’re crispy! Satan’s other spells include the ability to change people’s age, healing himself, transmutating things into liquor, creating giant guillotine blades, pulling meteors from the sky, dumbing his opponents down, blinding them, making himself invincible, creating illusions, teleporting and many more…geez…
Puppy: You aren’t exactly cut out for long lists. Even if Satan’s attempts to win Arle’s heart never work, he’s still able to pull off some really impressive things.
Kitty: Yeah! He doesn’t win for the most part, but he can very easily fight on par with the likes of Arle and Carbuncle, the former being able to pull off things like blowing up the moon and the latter being able to turn a moon into a sun.
Puppy: Satan himself is capable of creating and destroying universes, as shown when he fully recreated the Madou world and created Puyo Hell.
Kitty: If you create a universe, does that mean you own it or are space-property laws really weird…?
Puppy: Huh?
Kitty: …In his short-lived team-up with Arle and the gang, Satan was also capable of beatin’ Squares, who was able to squish five universes together with all his four-cornered glory…oh, he’s not actually a square, is he? That’s stupid…
Puppy: Ughhhh…Satan’s also pretty quick, too, both on his feet and in-flight. His scaling to Carbuncle means he should be as fast as the rabbit-thing’s laser, which could reach the moon in less than a quarter of a second!
Kitty: He’s survived an attack from Carbuncle’s moon-destroying laser, blows from people like Squares who we’ve already talked about how stupid his name is even if he’s crazy powerful, and an amped-up Arle who…
Puppy: Was capable of taking down The Creator, who far upscales the mischievous villain Ecolo. Ecolo was capable of breaking down three universes—
Kitty: Oh, and he also took a shot from the cliche-named Dark Wizard!
Puppy: …as impressive as that sounds on paper, the blow didn’t do much except shave Satan bald.
Kitty: You kiddin’? I’d rather die if that happened to me! ‘Course dying could come easy to Satan too, if his weaknesses were exploited.
Puppy: He is incredibly cocky and childish, and he’s absolutely the only reason his plans fail…Y’know, minus the heroes always going against him.
Kitty: ‘Course when those plans fail, he’s also super prone to losing his cool and absolutely screwin’ himself over in battle.
Puppy: But through all of his goofiness, Satan’s still as menacing as the villain needs to be. Y’know, goofy but serious at times…reminds me of you, Kitty.
Kitty: Are you…complimenting me?
Puppy: Even if his plans are almost always foiled and a new villain pops up, Satan is still the big-bad of his world, and he’ll never stop fighting for Arle’s love…and yes, it was a compli—
Kitty: Shut up, “Kitty sweet-and-sour drop kick of despair!”
Puppy: SHIT!
Satan: “No! Arle is mine. Once our bloodlines cross, it shall be glorious. You, in your day, was magnificent. With me, however, a new generation of magicians will be unstoppable!”
Intermission[]
Puppy: Alright, the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities. Feel free to vote for who you believe will win in the poll: https://strawpoll.com/GeZAO0zJVnV
Kitty: But now! IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!
Pre-Fight[]
Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
Armored and armed Koopas marched across a crimson brick path, holding their heads high above the bubbling lava below them. With grit teeth, this formidable army seems to be marching off to battle…
…but in reality, they had simply come to attend the biggest event in the Koopas’ side of the Mushroom Kingdom—-a tennis match!
The line of armored Koopas quickly dissipated, each one heading off into separate directions through the energetic bustle of the waiting crowd. Goombas run through with concessions held in their tongues while the Shy-Guys follow in suit, failing to keep up.
Tennis wasn’t exactly the Koopa Kingdom’s idea of a good time, but considering their leader and beneficiary was one of the competitors, the armies flocked to the match in either fear or actual excitement.
The red-shelled Koopa who stood in the head of the now-scattered line pushed through the hustle-and-bustle, attempting to save a seat for himself. Finally reaching his destination, the weary Koopa slides into his seat—front row! He does a celebratory fist pump before shifting his eyes around to assess his surroundings.
Assorted members of the Koopa army shoved through each other to get closer to the net. Said net was branded with the Koopas’ signature crest, the face of their leader. Swelling into the playing field was the predominantly—no, entirely Koopa crowd, each onlooker bearing a massive, toothy smile.
The stadium lights dimmed and the crowd instantly fell silent—even the lava spouts surrounding the big game paused. Appearing above the ring was the blue-cloaked Kamek, who rode a dinky broom, held a gong in one hand and grasped a hammer in the other.
“Welcome, one and all, to the very first sporting event in the Koopa Kingdom!” Yelled the elderly wizard with youth in his voice, prompting another uproar of whoops and screams from the crowd!
“AND our first competitor…” Kamek spoke, hushing the entire crowd with the first syllable.
“Our leader, our glorious self-proclaimed king of awesome, our glorious master…”
Everyone in the crowd knew what was coming next, yet tension still built up…
“LOOOOOOOOOOOOORD BOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWSSSSSSSEEEEEEERRRRRR!!!”
The crowd exploded in cheer, waving their arms at the now-opening gateway. Smoke and flames shot out of the door, and the silhouette of the Koopa King stood there, slowly and menacingly approaching. The crimson castle shook with each stomp of his reptilian feet, which only prompted the crowd to go louder.
The King of the Koopas held his tennis racket tighter in his sharp claws with each step, and his eyes simply looked down upon the opposing gateway.
“And our other competitor…”
Silence. Perhaps a biased crowd would help Bowser even more.
“Satan!” Kamek yelled with less enthusiasm, his eyes shifting towards the gateway on the court’s right side. Treading through the smoke and other pyrotechnics was a smaller figure. Bearing wings and a perfectly-sized racket, Satan quickly rushed towards his side of the court. He did take some stops to point finger guns at the audience, who clearly wasn’t too enthused by this.
“Ohohoho…seems like there’s a favorite here!” Satan spoke in a flamboyant tone, brushing his long green hair with his racket. “Let’s even this crowd a bit…”
Snapping his fingers, the Lord of Hell motioned his hand forward, heralding the oncoming wave of Puyos that spilled into the crowds. The newly-summoned multicolored slimes eased into the crowd, forcing the Koopa army towards their leader’s side.
“There we go!” Satan chuckled to himself, cracking his neck in an attempt to intimidate his opponent. Bowser simply crossed his arms in response, flaring his nostrils and gazing down on Satan.
“Bwahaha! Kamek, show this poser the prize!” The Koopa King retorted, motioning his hand at his loyal wizard. Kamek dug through his cloak for a few moments, his hand eventually returning with a golden trophy in its grasp.
“Solid gold.” Bowser smirked, taking a few steps towards his opponent—his menacing charge only halted by the net separating them. “Bet you can’t get that in your kingdom.”
“Nothing is impossible in Puyo Hell!” Satan confidently fights back, a risky idea brewing in his head. “Before I trash talk you to death, let’s make a wager. Winner gets the loser’s kingdom.”
Without taking any moment to think about his answer, Bowser roars back. “Deal!”
After a quick stare-off, both competitors back up, readying themselves for the game.
“Ready…set…BEGIN!” Kamek yells, slamming his hammer into the bell and releasing the tennis ball, signaling the start of a legendary match!
FIGHT![]
(Cue: Watch it Crash | Streetlight Manifesto)
Being the more agile of the two, Satan quickly advanced on the descending ball, pulling his arm over his head. With a heavy swing of his racket, the playing ball was sent darting at Bowser. “Ha!” Satan loudly chuckled, simply waiting for his opponent to fumble against his play.
“Bwahaha! A pipsqueak like you…” Bowser swings his racket upwards, flinging the ball into the air. “Could never hope to beat me!” The King of the Koopas boasts, leaping after the ball and striking it midair, sending it zipping towards Satan.
“We’ll see, you fat turtle!” Satan pieces together an insult the moment he prevents the ball from hitting the ground with rapid oscillation of his racket.
Sidestepping on the court to keep his eyes on the rapidly-approaching ball, Bowser snarls back, “You aren’t one to talk, greasy grandpa!”
The back-and-forth of the ball had evolved into a back-and-forth of insults, which had only prompted an even louder cheer from the mixed audience of Koopas and Puyos.
“Your kingdom is MINE!” Bowser roars, stomping his right foot into the pavement and cracking his side of the court. With one more mighty swing, Bowser had launched the ball towards Satan so fast that it left after-images!
“Your kingdom is mine!” Satan repeats the Koopa King’s words in a snotty voice, angering Bowser. In an attempt to hit the ball back with even more force, the Dark Prince coated his fist, and his racket by extension, with dark energy. “Aha!” Satan exclaims, swinging his superpowered racket with enough force to send the tennis ball into light-speed!
With the Koopa King having little time to react, the ball whizzed past his head and landed on the ground. Bowser had a plan for this type of problem, though, and he snapped his fingers as a signal for Kamek to raise his wand and simply reverse time to give Bowser the advantage!
Now with all the time in the world to defend his title, the King of the Koopas launches the tennis ball back at Satan, which also carried enough momentum to speed past the Dark Prince.
It wasn’t like he was unprepared, though, and with a snap of Satan’s fingers, a Puyo in the stands was ordered to leap into the playing field and collide with the ball, sending it back at Bowser. "If you can play dirty, so can I!” Satan chuckles, wagging his racket at Bowser to taunt him.
“Wrong!” Flushing red with rage, Bowser throws his racket to the side and unhinges his jaw. “Only a REAL king can do what I do, and you’ll fry, pipsqueak!” Bowser snarls, releasing a giant flame from his mouth that instantly swallows up the court’s center-piece net.
The Koopa King’s flaming breath also ignites the ball and propels it in Satan’s direction. The Dark Prince holds his racket in anticipation of the tennis ball—but it’s flame coating instantly burned through the racket and let the ball drop to the ground unceremoniously.
His eyes closed with now-lost hope of hitting the ball, Satan nervously opened his eyes, only to see the ashy rift in his racket. “He…hey!”
“That’s cheating! Only I can do that!” Satan screams, his fit being interrupted by the loud cheers of the Koopas’ side.
“What was that, pipsqueak? Can’t hear you…!” Bowser taunts with a smile, raising his arms and basking in the love of his crowd.
“I’m not short, you’re just big!—Gah! That’s it!” Satan’s anger reaches its peak, and he grasps his tennis jumpsuit with two hands. “You’re done now!” The Dark Prince yells, tearing his jumpsuit off and revealing his royal garbs.
“Let’s up the bet…” Satan smirks, raising both his arms and rubbing them together, generating a small orb of dark energy between his palms. “Winner takes all.”
Without a word more, Bowser raises his fist to silence the crowd before turning to face the Dark Prince with amusement. “You’re on.”
The Koopa crowd leaps from their seats and huddle behind their king, waiting for his command. “Koopas, CHARGE!”
Five Koopa Troopas all pounce at Satan at once, with the intent to attack. It was then that Satan released his stored dark energy, creating a wave of said darkness that envelops the Koopas and burns their flesh away, leaving only skeletons behind.
As the remains of the Troopas fall unceremoniously to the ground, Satan raises a nonchalant, dark-energy-boosted arm. “Pitiful soldiers…now, do you yield?”
“I do NOT!” Bowser shows a sharp-toothed grin before sliding his arm in place to tackle. The Koopa King begins to stomp towards Satan at an accelerating pace, leaving a pocket of time for the Dark Prince to release more dark energy…
…but the skeletons of the Koopas rise once more as Dry Bones, grabbing onto Satan and ensnaring him. “I’m the real king here…! You won’t get the best of—“
SLAM!
Bowser rams into the ensnared Satan, scattering the Dry Bones and sending Satan barreling down the brick path of the castle-top. “You and what army?!”
Quickly regaining his balance and propelling himself into the air, Satan spreads his wings midair and mocks the Koopa King. “Ohoho…how cliche…seems you haven’t been paying attention.”
In an instant, the Puyos flock from the stands to Satan’s feet, trying way too hard to look intimidating. The assortment of multicolored Puyos prepared to charge, and with a snap of his fingers, Satan ordered them to do just that!
Both sides charged towards each other, interlocking in battle and trampling the remains of the tennis court. Bowser forces one foot back and uses the other to leap into the air, catching up to the Dark Prince. He grasps his massive arms around Satan’s leg, weighing down his flight and agitating him.
“Watch it!” The Dark Prince yells, wildly shaking his leg in an attempt to kick the massive, bipedal turtle away from him. His physicality didn’t work, so Satan created a fireball in his hand and dropped it on the freeloading Bowser.
Despite its dinky size, the fireball provided enough force to shove Bowser back into the armies’ fray, creating a crater in the top of the castle and scattering both sides.
The smoke cleared after a few moments, and bursting from the newly-formed crater was Bowser, now piloting his cheeky-faced Clown Car! “You can’t beat me, pipsqueak!—just try to at least entertain me!”
Bowser rams the Clown Car into Satan midair, sending him a good distance away. Reaching down into his Clown Car, Bowser’s arms return with a massive Bullet Bill Blaster!
With a roaring laugh, the Koopa King activates the blaster and launches a Bullet Bill at the recovering Satan, who notices in time and manages to outstretch his arms, leaving Satan to hold the metal bullet away from him.
“I’ll do more than entertain you—I’ll destroy you!” Satan smirks, raising both arms and flinging the Bill back at Bowser, who swerves the Clown Car away to avoid his own attack.
“Good luck with that,” Bowser taunts while preparing another shot from the bill blaster, entirely unaware of the Bullet Bill rerouting to aim at his back. “When your throwing arm—“
Just before the Koopa King could end his taunting, the Bill slammed into the airborne Clown Car, detonating on impact! The strength of the explosion was enough to startle both Bowser and the Clown Car, causing the former to release the Bill Blaster and the latter to release Bowser himself!
“My throwing arm does what?!” Satan sandwiches his mockery of Bowser’s fumbled insult with a quickly-created black fireball before throwing both at the Koopa King, striking him midair and sending him spiraling into the fighting armies once more.
As his reaction to the tides turning against Bowser, the airborne Kamek joins the battle by waving his wand and magically ensnaring Satan, creating a purple barrier around him. “Lights out!” Kamek chuckles from the sidelines before swinging his wand to the side, throwing the confused Dark Prince towards the ground, following Bowser.
The Koopa King lands first, using the pocket of time before Satan could reach him to pull one fist back—and throw a heavy punch at the Dark Prince, who was caught entirely off-guard and sent sliding into the hordes of Koopas and Puyos.
Quickly regaining his balance, Satan crosses his arms over his chest and scoffs. “I don’t have time to deal with idiots like you…” The Dark Prince silently orders a group of Puyos to spring into his personal battle, each of them charging at the Koopa King.
“Blah blah blah! Shut up!” Bowser sticks his tongue out at the approaching Puyos before sucking in a mouthful of air. His face flushes red for a few moments before he releases his flame breath, scattering the attacking Puyos and lighting the fuses of four Bomb-Ombs, all of them conveniently waiting by Satan’s feet.
With a grin, Satan notices the Koopa King’s plot just in time and decides to chide him for using such a strategy. “I can see right through this one, fatty! Try better next time.”
Satan telekinetically pulls four blue Puyos from his army towards him and squishes them together moments before the Bob-Ombs detonate, the resulting explosion of the Puyo match being enough force to repel the following explosion of the Bob-Ombs.
“Big talk, pipsqueak!” Bowser insults Satan through the explosion’s smoke. “Fungah!” Bowser releases an odd war cry, tucking his limbs and head into his shell and flinging himself through the smoke, ramming into Satan and forcing him to the ground.
After pushing the Dark Prince off his feet, Bowser and his shell performed a flip above Satan and quickly fell back down, ramming his spiked backside into the Dark Prince and pushing him further into a newly-formed crater.
“Come in, minions!” Bowser yelled, still tucked away in his shell. “Help me silence this POSER!”
Satan’s voice was already muffled underneath the weight of the stationary Bowser, but it was only mad worse when Koopas, Goombas, Shy Guys and even a massive, thousand ton Thwomp dogpiled on top of the Dark Prince, leaving his Puyos to watch in confusion. When suddenly…
FWOOSH!
(Cue: She Bangs - Ricky Martin)
The dogpile was scattered by a newly-formed tornado of both wind and fire, which held Satan in the center of it. As the twister grew in size, more Puyos and Koopa soldiers were swept up and flung into the air, becoming lost in the storm.
“Like my ‘Devil Twister’?” the smirking Dark Prince questions the Koopa King, who was barely holding on to a piece of railing on his castle-top. Bowser, who was fully focused on avoiding being swept up by the tornado, spat back his thoughts. “Great hurricane, pipsqueak! Seriously, awesome backdrop for a battle of kings!”
“Why, thank you!” Satan blushes, confidently putting his hand on his heart. “It burns…like the fire of my love.”
Bowser’s focus loosened, as did his grip—seriously? Just who was this guy? The Koopa King bursts into laughter, looking up at his now-confused opponent.
“Bwahaha! You? Love?!” Bowser smirks at Satan, who looks down on the Koopa King, feeling insulted. “I have more of a chance in the dating world than you!” The Dark Prince yells back, his anger only increasing the power of the Devil Twister.
The Koopa King scoffs again, finally releasing his grip on the railing and letting himself get pulled in by the tornado. “The Princess loves me, and she’ll be mine—she just doesn’t know it yet!” Bowser yells, leaping into the air and letting the pull of the tornado carry him towards the Dark Prince, who was busy thinking of an insult to fire back.
“A princess? I can’t see that—even if you weren’t fat as you are—!” Satan chokes out the last words, his insult being interrupted by Bowser entering the Devil Twister and swinging his fist downward, plunging Satan further into the fiery tornado.
“I don’t want to hear it, dwarf!” Bowser snorts with laughter, swiftly inhaling and exhaling multiple times in quick succession, each exhale releasing a fireball from his mouth that rushes towards the descending Satan.
Thinking quickly, Satan reaches out into the whipping fire winds and his hand returns with an unsuspecting green-shelled Koopa, who sheepishly smiles at the Dark Prince. Wasting no time, Satan grabs the Koopa’s head and yanks him out of his shell, throwing the Koopa aside and using his former carapace as a projectile.
The green shell was thrown with impressive aim, even managing to blast through and destroy the fireballs—but the Koopa King simply swerved to the side, laughing at his opponent’s fumble. “Bwahaha! You picked the green one?”
Reaching his own hand into the all-encompassing Devil Twister, Bowser manages to yank out the red Koopa from the match before the battle. “Boss…?” The red Koopa’s eyes welled up with tears—but Bowser didn’t notice, quickly throwing the screaming Koopa further down into the tornado and towards Satan.
“Psssh.” Satan scoffs, waving his hand and zipping away from the hiding Koopa, leaving him to plummet into the eye of the Devil Twister…
…but it redirected, locking onto Satan! “Mommy…!” The red Koopa yelled before colliding with Satan and exploding into pieces—losing his life, but hitting the Dark Prince with enough force to send him spiraling upwards.
Having relied on the tornado’s winds to stay floating above the storm, Bowser reaches out his arm and grabs the leg of the ascending Satan, looking at the Dark Prince with a devilish smile.
“So long, pipsqueak!” Bowser snorts with laughter, beginning to spin his body with velocity matching the Twister’s. The speed of Bowser’s rotation is enough to dissipate the fiery storm, causing Puyos and Koopas to rain from the sky, slamming into the castle below and leaving craters with their impact.
To finish his spin, Bowser releases Satan, the words “EXCELLENT!” being plastered over the Koopa King! The momentum from Bowser’s spin provides enough force to send Satan bolting back to the castle.
“Bah! There’s only room in this Kingdom for one king,” Bowser monologues, slowly descending but charging up a dangerous dose of fire breath. “And you won’t outdo me in any—“
“Zip it and look at your arm!” Satan chuckles, slowly rising to his feet after his collision with the ground.
Bowser pauses his interrupted monologue to do what his opponent asked, noticing a growing patch of ice on his forearm. Before he could respond, Satan creates a wall of fire behind himself to prevent the Koopas from ganging on him—and then he explained what was happening.
“When you grabbed my leg, I did…that. Not so high-and-mighty now, hmm?” Satan chuckles, crossing his arms.
Bowser was completely encased in a block of ice before he could respond, and still nary of any words—the Koopa King fell into the lava surrounding his castle.
“Now, where were we?” Satan snickers, turning around to face the confused Koopa army. Puyos flocked to his side, and—
SPLASH!
Leaping from the lava and instantly scaling the castle was Bowser, albeit a more furry Bowser. “IT’S BOWSER TIME!”
Amazed at the stupidity and perfect delivery of the catchphrase, Satan was tackled by Meowser and dragged through his wall of fire and across the castle’s top. Plowing through the scuffling troops of Puyos and Koopas, Meowser finishes his attack by slamming Satan against the brick floors, blasting a column of the castle top apart.
“It’s…Satan time…! Yeah, SATAN TIME!” The Dark Prince’s body illuminates with dark energy, which grows in a millisecond and forces Meowser away.
Standing at the edge of the castle top, Satan snaps his fingers and summons a horde of Puyos that charge the staggered Meowser and ensnare him in a gelatinous prison of their own bodies.
“Lllaaaaammmmmeeee…!” Meowser’s minorly insulting yell grows louder as he puts more strength into shaking off the Puyos.
“LAME!” Meowser yells once more, forcing the Puyos away and grabbing Satan by the neck, slamming him against the ground and leaving him sprawling against a newly formed-crater.
Brandishing his sharper claws, Meowser stomps on Satan’s rib cage, causing the Koopas and the Puyos to step back.
“You shouldn’t have dared to step to Bowser!” Meowser forces his foot further into Satan’s ribcage, the sickening crack only rallying the Koopa Army more.
Kamek’s watchful eye still soared above the battle, and with a wave of his wand, Meowser’s strength was even further increased, allowing him to fully break Satan’s ribcage.
“You’re a ticking time bomb, pipsqueak! All bark and no bite.” Meowser was enjoying every last second of this…
…until Satan had amassed enough strength to move his hands and create twin blades of light, slashing with both and harming Meowser enough to free Satan from underneath his feline foot.
Stomping backwards to regain his balance, Meowser is grasped by Satan’s telekinesis. “Bah…Koopas…!”
He tries to utter a command to the waiting army of varied soldiers who stood behind Satan, and though they understand that he wants them to attack, they’re also grasped by the Dark Prince’s telekinesis. Kamek is grabbed as well, revealing that Satan had caught on to Bowser’s outside assistance.
“What did you call me? A ticking time bomb?” Satan snickers, stepping backwards and stopping at the forefront of his Puyo horde. Waving his hand, he sends the entire Koopa army darting in the other direction.
“Well,” Moments after the Satan Blade, the Dark Prince drives it into the brick floor of the castle top… “This time bomb is ready to EXPLODE!”
The sword sent shockwaves throughout the castle, breaking a large chunk of the massive structure apart, save for the area Satan was standing atop. With another wave of his hand, the massive pieces of Bowser’s castle are flung towards the Koopa, prompting Kamek to wave his wand and create a protective bubble around the army.
Snarling in his fury, Meowser crudely commands Kamek to let him free. “Make a hole in the bubble, schmuck! I want to slug this good-for-nothing…”
Still rambling about his opponent, Meowser leaps away from the protective bubble and drives his claws into an approaching piece of rubble before running across the rubble and bounding towards the next one.
“He’s crossing through? Inconceivable!” Satan stomps his foot and opens his arms, prompting four green Puyos to leap into his reach and get squished together by his bear hug, matching them and creating a charged blast of magic that Satan pitches towards the approaching Meowser.
Satan continues this cycle multiple times, and Meowser, still mainly focused on climbing through the speeding rubble, managed to avoid the incoming magic blasts. Unfortunately for Meowser, the same blasts end up colliding with the incoming chunks of castle, giving Meowser less chunk to crawl across.
“It’s sad to see someone pathetic like you try to take my throne!” Satan shouts, still repeatedly hurling Puyos at the approaching Meowser.
“Bwahaha!” Meowser howls in laughter, sidestepping to dodge one more magic blast before leaping from the flying rubble and pouncing at Satan. “I’ve always been the one deserving of every throne, you’ve just been too blind!”
Satan reels his hand back to fight against the rapidly-approaching Meowser—his hands begin to crackle with a blue hue, and in a mere second the Dark Prince threw a massive lightning bolt at Meowser’s chest!
“You’re the blind one—you may be a king, but a king stands no chance against a demon!”
The force of the pummels Meowser’s chest, shooting him skyward and prompting a thunderous roar of pain from the fuzzy turtle. Meowser powers down back into Bowser, who disappears into the crimson clouds above…
(Cue: Hard-Boiled Fury - Brandon Yates)
“But what is a demon…to the DEVIL?!”
Spewing from an ever-growing hole in the same crimson cloud was a giant hurricane of flames that rained down on the entirety of the Koopa Kingdom. Bowser’s army shielded themselves with Kamek’s magic barriers while the Puyos shielded only their eyes, with the latter army being swept up by the flames in an instant.
Entirely swallowed up by the flames was Satan, who simply stood stalwart and embraced the raining fire on himself.
“Finally, now you’re getting into it!” Satan spoke. “Everything before this was a CAKEWALK! Ohoho!”
He opened his palms and two golden blades of light instantly formed within them. Pushing one leg back, the Dark Prince prepared to take flight through the pressing flames.
“So it’s time to see…if the devil can BLEED!” Satan yelled, soaring into the air and leaving a red trail behind him. Bowser’s flame breath was enough to push the entirety of his castle deep into the lava, but not enough to falter Satan’s flight.
“But what goes up…!” Bowser yells through his own muzzle-made flames. “Must come down…”
After finally realizing his flames did nothing, Bowser simply halted his fiery exhaling and let himself descend, allowing the Koopa King to close the distance between himself and Satan.
“So now you’ll see just WHO wears the CROWN!”
Bowser slams his fists into the approaching Satan, who fights back in that exact moment with a diagonal slash of his light-blades. The collision of both attacks sends both of them barreling away and back to the remnants of Bowser’s castle.
Meanwhile, both armies are locked in a never-ending struggle. Koopas and Puyos throw spears, rocks, even each other at the opposing side.
Thwomps rained from above, the thousand-ton sentient stones pressing and smashing Puyos against the pavement. But for every Puyo destroyed, it seemed that even more would appear in its place.
Puyos fight back by matching themselves in a kamikaze effort that creates small explosions with each match, most of them being enough to harm a small group of Koopas.
Multiple helmeted Koopas back into a corner of the sinking castle and throw fireballs at approaching Puyos, which disintegrates them but doesn’t disintegrate enough of them, allowing a few Puyos to tackle the Koopas into the adjacent lava.
The same Koopas, however, still manage to pull themselves from the lava as reborn Dry Bones. They grab the Puyos that caused their fates and simply allow themselves to sink into the lava, taking the shaking Puyos with them.
Barely avoiding getting caught in the fray, Kamek sweeps over the clashing armies and stays midair, nervously watching the war.
Suddenly, a distant “Later, chump!” was followed by a loud BOOM! and an “aaaaaAAAAAH!”
Kamek’s ear catches these noises, causing him to look at the origin of the sound and see the Koopa King spiraling towards him, most likely the result of his unseen brawl with Satan.
“Sire, sire—!”
The tumbling Bowser yells at the worried Kamek, “Out of my—ooof!”, pausing the moment he strikes his former caretaker. “…way!”
Landing with one arm on the ground to keep his balance, Bowser was MAD. Steam was shooting out of his ears, flames spewed from his nostrils—Satan was in his head. He stood behind his currently fighting army, who all looked back at the Koopa King with fear.
Landing across from Bowser was Satan, who crossed his arms and chuckled. “You’d have a lot better time if you could actually hit me—!”
“That’s it!” Bowser furiously yells, stomping across the sunken castle-top and plowing through both his army and his opponent’s army.
“You can take my trophy—but you can’t take my kingdom!” Bowser yells, raising his arms and preparing to slam them downwards and into Satan. The Dark Prince quickly reacts and shifts to the side, leaving Bowser’s blow to connect to the ground and break a large chunk away from the sunken castle, leaving even less standing between the armies and the scorching hot lava.
“And the rightful king will strike you down, pipsqueak!” The Koopa King shouts, raising his arms and slamming them into the ground. The blow had missed Satan again, though, and he backed away to prepare his own offense.
“He’s maaaaaaad…!” Satan snickers, taking a deep inhale. The moment he releases his breath, it comes out in flames that press against Bowser!
The Koopa King follows in suit, shooting his own flame breath back at the Dark Prince, with the combining flames growing larger and repelling both armies even further.
Satan quickly formulates a strategy and regurgitates a fireball composed entirely of black fire. The same fireball slit Bowser’s fire breath and collided with the Koopa King—not exactly harming him, but simply causing him to lose his balance.
Bowser’s loss of composure throws the entire piece of castle, now standing as a battlefield and the only thing holding both armies away from the lava. Said castle-piece tilted over to Bowser’s side due to his weight, and many Puyos, Koopas, Goombas and more all tumbled into the lava, meeting a fiery fate.
Without a word and simply just a snarl, Bowser kicked his feet forward and propelled himself into the air, ripping two Piranha Plants from their pots midair.
“Lookie here—the wannabe thinks HE’S got the advantage!” Bowser titters out-loud, swinging both Piranha Plants downwards, both of them narrowly missing the swift-moving Dark Prince.
Both of the Plants still managed to sink their teeth into the brick-composed floors, allowing Bowser to pull himself earthwards, his feet slamming against Satan and pushing him closer to the edge of the platform.
Satan’s eyes weren’t focused on battle—they were locked on a weak point in the plat form, which he pointed his weakened hand towards and began to charge dark energy. “Heh…what you don’t notice, only one of us can fly…”
Releasing the energy and his wings, Satan burst into laughter and soared above the battlefield. “That means only one of us can die!”
“Ohoho…we’re rhyming now, schmuck?” Bowser cracks his knuckles, unaware of the impending effect of the dark energy. “Well, now you’re out of luck—“
BOOM!
The entire platform exploded, scattering various soldiers and leaving all of them to tumble into the lava, Bowser included. “Fungah!”
Finally soaring into view was Kamek, who quickly rose his wand and created individual protective bubbles around every member of Bowser’s army…which was much to Satan’s anger, prodding him to restrain Kamek with telekinesis.
Satan began to speak to Kamek, his intentions to silence him very clear. “You’re his little cheat, hmm? Too bad I’ll—“
But Kamek waved his hand, flinging Satan into the lava alongside the falling Koopa Army. However, Satan waved his arm before he could make contact with the lava, sending Kamek bolting away from his broom and into the lava.
Inside the boiling pool of magma, magical bubbles floated and bounces clumsily around, each one holding one of the surviving members of Bowser’s army away from the lava. In one particularly large bubble was Bowser, who was pushing against the bubble, clearly wanting to fight back against Satan.
…that chance would quickly come, because Satan’s descent into the lava included him speeding past Bowser’s bubble and popping it, releasing him into the lava. Both Bowser and Satan slowly sunk to the ground, landing and getting ready to fight again.
“Bwahaha! Going into the lava—that’s my thing! I invented that!” Bowser yells, his voice being muffled by the lava. He leaps towards Satan, his arms outstretched and ready to grab the Dark Prince.
“Well, it’s my thing now!” Satan chuckles back, outstretching his arms and recreating his twin blades of light, instinctively using them to block Bowser’s attempted bear hug.
“Sucks for you that you’re not gonna live to do it again!” Bowser chortles, putting more strength into his bear hug and effectively restraining Satan.
The Dark Prince’s eyes darted around, looking for a way out. He eventually peered down at the scaly arms of Bowser which were holding him—he noticed that bit by bit, and completely unknown to Bowser, the Koopa King was getting disintegrated by the lava.
“Oh, I’ll be the one living…” Satan expels dark energy from his body, repelling Bowser and sending him slowly floating through the lava.
“Where I’m from, it’s drip or drown,” Satan raises both arms and charges dark energy between him palms. “And fatty, you need a life jacket!”
The Dark Prince releases the dark energy in the form of two orbs, both of them striking Bowser’s chest and increasing his momentum tenfold, launching him into a large under-lava boulder.
“Sire!” Kamek yells from the sidelines—despite missing his broom, the caretaker of Bowser’s had managed to stay afloat in the lava. He waved his wand and attempted to cast a spell to rescue the Koopa King…
…but a massive guillotine blade composed of light came shooting from Satan’s outstretched hand, bisecting Kamek entirely. “No more!” Satan chuckles, taking pleasure in the eradication of one of his problems.
Through the dust that was scattered from the boulder, Bowser’s red eyes peered towards the new murder scene. Kamek’s bisected and barely-alive body floated through the lava—that was the last straw.
That poser thought he could mess with the Koopa King? He had conquered galaxies!
Bowser burst from the remnants of the boulder, popping two bubbles holding Bob-Ombs and catching them in his arms. Doing a backflip midair despite being in the lava, Bowser threw both Bob-Ombs at Satan—both of them detonating the moment they hit the Dark Prince.
“Go to hell!” The Koopa King yells—his skin was charred and picked apart from the magma, but he was practically ignoring the pain!
“Ohoho…I’ve already been there!” Satan retorted, landing on the igneous surface and forming another ball of dark energy in his arms, smirking and tossing it at Bowser.
The Koopa King simply raised his arm in response, batting the orb away from him and back at Satan.
“Deja vu…” Satan snickers back, drawing his Satan Blade and swinging at the incoming ball, launching it at Bowser once more and creating a back-and-forth much like the tennis match that started the clash!
Bowser’s crafty response after a few more hits and returns of the orb was to unhinge his jaw and coat the dark energy with fire breath, swinging it back at Satan and granting it amplified power.
“Here’s the big one, fatty!” Satan snorts, swinging his blade one last time and blasting the fire-coated orb towards Bowser, slamming against the Koopa King and causing him to lose his composure. Satan kicks himself into the air and raises an arm, creating a gargantuan orb of dark energy and throwing it back down at Bowser, exploding and causing the Koopa King to spiral earthward. His impact with the ground drove a crater on the igneous ground, and Satan simply chuckled in success.
Clenching his fist, Satan telekinetically grabbed the remaining bubbles of Bowser’s minions and some Puyos who managed to sneak their way in, and he rose them and himself out of the lava.
(Music ends)
Beneath the lava, Bowser stood unmoving at the bottom, his skin being almost entirely melted away. The Koopa King’s bones were showing, and his eyes were red with rage. With his last breaths, the bisected Kamek complimented his king’s work. “Sire, you’ve done good! Very good!”
He waved his wand towards Bowser, causing the Koopa King to let off a fiery red aura. “But now you must take that rage…embrace it…show them your fury!”
Bowser’s skin slowly began to regenerate, but it bore a darker shade…King Bowser would show everyone his fury.
Meanwhile, above the lava, Satan stood before the floating bubbles of mixed minions. “Now that your king is gone—bow to your new one!” Satan shouted to the Puyos and Koopas.
The Dark Prince waved his hand, and purple overtook the whiteness of the eyes of the Goombas, Koopas, Piranhas and more. They were under the control of Satan.
“Now, then—“
ROAR!
(Cue: Bowser’s Fury OST - Fury Bowser)
“The Koopa King…” a deafening roar came from the lava, echoing throughout the remnants of the Koopa Kingdom.
“The Koopa King never dies…” the line was repeated, heralding the upward burst beneath the magma—sending the lava through the air and all around the brown-rock terrain.
“Never dies…” a looming figure began to slowly rise from the lava, its shadow pressing over the bubble-bound troops and Satan, who had his back turned against the figure.
“Never dies!” The figure shouts, his deafening roar shaking both the troops and Satan. This prompted the Dark Prince to turn around, his jaw dropping in response. “Holy…”
“NEVER DIES!”[]
The figure was now fully illuminated by the lava—it was Bowser; a furious Bowser; Fury Bowser!
“I can feel it, pipsqueak!” Fury Bowser yells from above all, one of his fingers alone eclipsing Satan is size. “You’re afraid!”
Satan gulps—yes, he actually was afraid.
Fury Bowser reels his fist back, the movement causing his fiery crest of hair to shake. “So get ready—I’ll show you all a REAL KING!”
Bowser’s massive fist flew down towards Satan, who pointed his own finger at the approaching punch, ordering two of his new minions to attack. A duo of Paratroopas popped their own bubbles, taking into the air and charging towards the massive punch…
…only to get instantly flattened. The fist slammed against the flabbergasted Satan, striking him with enough force to send him rocketing into the rocky terrain surrounding the lava pool. Satan’s momentum drove him through the ground, leaving a ditch the size of a canyon in his path.
“New guys, fight back! All of you!” Satan hurriedly yells as he stands up, prompting Goombas, Chain-Chomps and many other minions to leap towards Bowser. Satan himself spread his wings and o propelled himself into the air, waving his arm and shouting, “Meteor!”
In an instant, asteroids rained from the skies and smashed into Fury Bowser—an attack that would’ve flattened any normal Koopa, but unfortunately, Bowser wasn’t a normal Koopa. The meteors simply broke into pieces, each bit of rubble tumbling into the lava below.
“Bwahaha!” Bowser roared with laughter before opening his hulking jaw, releasing a stream of fire that presses down against everything before him, including the midair Satan.
The flames charred Satan’s skin and clothing, but he still had enough strength to bail on his flight and grab onto the chain of a Chain-Chomp. Said Chain-Chomp had his teeth sunk into Bowser’s skin, which Satan used to his advantage—climbing onto Fury Bowser’s shoulder.
Light blades formed in Satan’s hands, and he repeatedly slammed them against Fury Bowser’s head. Despite the increase in power it gave Bowser, the new form also had a disadvantage—it’s sheer size meant Bowser could barely track Satan.
But he could feel Satan’s feeble attacks on his head, and he paused his fire breath to make that known. “I can feel you, pipsqueak!” Fury Bowser yelled, suddenly tucking his entire body into his shell, the speed of this movement throwing Satan away from his shoulder.
Now within his blackened shell, Fury Bowser tumbled into the same pool of lava from before. “So I’ll make sure you feel THIS!”
Bowser flung himself into a spin, his massive shell picking up lava from the pool and flinging it in all directions, each tiny splash dealing great damage to whoever it struck. Mind-controlled Paratroopas with Puyos on their back were incinerated, Goombas were melted, and Satan was struck by a massive blob of lava and greatly harmed.
“Huff…huff…” Satan tried to catch his breath midair, shaking the lava away from him. “…you’re not even intimidating in that…huff…form…just fatter!” The Dark Prince rose both arms, creating an orb of dark energy bigger than all the orbs from before.
“And you’re even smaller now, pipsqueak! You’re a bug—begging to be squished!” Fury Bowser retorted, preparing another wave of fire breath. “And I’m gonna make sure just that happens!”
Satan and Bowser release their massive attacks at the same time, with Satan’s orb pushing through the fire breath and serving as a shield for the Dark Prince.
Realizing that his orb was losing momentum while pushing through the fire, Satan quickly presses his shoulder against it and begins to tackle the ball of dark energy towards Fury Bowser, who notices the increasing size of the attack and ups the intensity of his fire breath.
“Heave!” Satan shouts with effort, finally managing to press the orb against Fury Bowser’s giant head, causing the dark energy to explode in the face of the Koopa King. Fury Bowser loses his balance, stepping backwards and becoming filled with more rage.
“ggraaaaGHHHH!” Bowser howls in pain with increasing intensity, quickly catching his balance and staring down the airborne Satan. His eyes alone were larger than the Dark Prince, and that simply added to the fear Satan felt.
Licking his lips, Fury Bowser simply disregards the actual pain he felt from the dark energy explosion. “Tastes good.”
Satan slinks back and begins to charge up more dark energy. “Hehe…there’s more where that came from! Nobody shines brighter than—“
He was interrupted by Fury Bowser slamming his massive foot against the ground, flinging giant pieces of rock and rubble into the air. “Wrong!” Bowser chuckled loudly—he actually had no idea what his tiny opponent had said.
The furious Koopa King grabbed two giant shards of rock from the air, and just to make sure Satan couldn’t release another onslaught of dark energy—Fury Bowser slammed the rocks together, with Satan being in the center of the collision.
Satan was left half-unconscious midair, which meant he couldn’t fight back against Bowser’s next move. Balling his massive hands together, Fury Bowser rose his conjoined fists…
SLAM!
The gargantuan attack slammed into Satan and served him into the earth, his impact driving a crater into the ground…
(Music pauses)
“Huff…huff…” Steam comes out of Bowser’s nose—despite his power-up, he was still exhausted. He’d be able to rest soon, though, because Satan was stuck inside of a newly-formed crater.
“Back in the ground where you belong, huh?” Bowser’s booming voice echoed throughout the remnants of the Koopa Kingdom. “This is why I wear the crown!” Fury Bowser yelled, cracking his knuckles and raising his massive arms once more.
Satan weakly fishes his crystal ball out of his pocket—this thing better have NOT been damaged, or he was screwed.
The Dark Prince silently speaks unintelligible words and rubs his hands across the crystal ball, which gave off a rainbow-ish aura. “Heh…”
“You may have THIS kingdom, but what good is it now, idiot?” Satan finishes his spell, smirking up at Fury Bowser. “But Hell is mine to rule! Unfortunately for you…”
Bowser roars in anger and slams his fists down on Satan, who had only a small pocket of time to defend himself…
“It’s SHOWTIME!”[]
(Continue: Bowser’s Fury OST - Fury Bowser)
The effects of the spell suddenly took place, and the sun, standing as a mere dot behind Bowser, instantly increased in size tenfold. Warmth beat down on Fury Bowser’s back but didn’t slow down his imminent attack.
Satan clenched his fists, and moments before Fury Bowser’s fists could hit him, he released a MASSIVE wave of dark energy that pressed against Fury Bowser, throwing him off-balance and pushing him into the sky.
“…I’m out of PATIENCE, pipsqueak!” Fury Bowser yells, trying to fight against the wave of dark energy that was pushing him towards the now-massive sun. He opened his mouth and released an all-powerful wave of fire breath that slowed down the dark energy.
The standstill between fire and darkness began to increase in intensity, with the collision of the two elements glowing brighter and brighter, even matching the brightness of the enlarged sun.
“Your…time’s…up, fatty!” Satan yelled, finally forcing all of his strength into the wave of dark energy, allowing it to overpower Fury Bowser and press him against the sun…
KA-BOOM![]
The enlarged sun detonated above the fallen Koopa Kingdom, creating a giant burst of fire that disintegrated everything in a hundred-mile-radius. Fury Bowser himself was caught by the worst of the explosion, his skin being melted away and his body shrinking back to normal…
(Music ends)
…
Whatever was left of the Koopa Kingdom was simply reduced to ash. Broken castles, broken streets—now even more broken.
Standing weakly on the ash piles was Satan, who simply stared at the blackened sky. “Hehe…loser.” In his hands, he held the tennis trophy from the very beginning.
Busy inspecting the trophy, Satan doesn’t notice a familiar skeleton land behind him. It was Bowser’s—no organs, no skin, just bone.
But that didn’t stop him. His eyes glowed orange, and the Koopa King was reanimated. Getting back on his feet, Dry Bowser slowly approached Satan from behind.
Satan shook the trophy a little bit, and piece came off. “Gah…it’s a fake?!” He groaned mere seconds before Dry Bowser slashed Satan across the back!
SHINK!
Satan’s upper half was bisected from his body, his face still bearing a look of disappointment. Dry Bowser threw the Dark Prince’s upper half to the ground and unhinged his jaw, releasing a stream of fire breath that disintegrated Satan, ending him once and for all.
KO!
Uttering no words, Dry Bowser closed his bony fist and commanded the skeletons of Goombas and Koopas to rise from the ground—his army would return with him.
Hell was the Koopa King’s to rule now.
- Ending Screen A: Puyo Hell was bustling with flames and skeletal troopers, half of them preparing for war and half of them partying. Sitting on the throne behind them all was Dry Bowser, who simply smiled at a kingdom well taken and roared with laughter.
- Ending Screen B: A single blue Puyo, the sole survivor of the fight, climbed out of the Koopa Kingdom’s ashes. It’s googly eyes peer down at Satan’s charred corpse, and it lets out a squeak of terror.
Results[]
Kitty: Best. Barbecue. EVER!
Puppy: There were so many ways this battle could turn out, but ultimately Bowser had exactly what he needed.
Kitty: Yeah, he should go into exorcisms next. Bowser obviously had the brawn advantage, even if you aren’t looking at what they’ve done with their strength…like, seriously, we’re comparing Satan’s noodle arms to Bowser’s muscles?
Puppy: Really, though, while Satan and Bowser have fought enemies who are around the same level, Bowser’s the only of the two who fights with his actual physicality, rather than flashy attacks.
Kitty: So what he’s saying is that if Bowser could get in close, he’d have Satan’s ass…problem for him is that they’re both moving at the same speed, meaning Bowser would have a lot harder time trying to catch Satan if they’re both capable of moving past lightspeed.
Puppy: And remember what I said about Satan’s flashy attacks? Despite lacking in the physical department, Satan’s arsenal far dwarfed Bowser’s in size…power, though, not so much.
Kitty: Bowser wouldn’t need to call a priest to get rid of Satan when he could simply erase him from existence with the Grand Stars, transmutate him into a brick, or just warp reality to give Satan a harder time…and that’s not even the tip of that iceberg!
Puppy: Comparing their overall strength, though, Bowser and Satan are roughly in the same ballpark, with both of them being able to face universal threats and are universal threats themselves.
Kitty: Satan’s attacking strength was three universes above Bowser’s, though, cause the Koopa King is comparable to people like Rosalina, who rewrote one universe, while Satan’s comparable to Squares, who could combine three universes at once! So one hit should’ve silenced Bowser, right?
Puppy: Certainly…if Bowser wasn’t so inhumanly durable. His shell’s taken quite the beating before, including attacks from Mario, who’s faced threats far higher than Satan. Namely King Wart, who could change the structure of entire universes!
Kitty: Satan’s army was even outmatched, too! Simple hordes of slimes don’t really stand too much of a chance against the well-oiled machine that is the Koopa Kingdom. …You could say that this was a shell of a fight, and Satan was just throne out of Bowser’s way.
Puppy: The winner is King Bowser.
Next Time on Death Battle![]
The Driver: “There's a hundred-thousand streets in this city. You don't need to know the route. You give me a time and a place, I give you a five minute window. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours.”
Travis Bickle: “I realize now how much she's just like the others, cold and distant, and many people are like that, women for sure, they're like a union.”
Trivia[]
- The connections between Bowser and Satan are that they are cartoony, flamboyant (but still intimidating) fire-breathing and magical demon kings who are hopelessly in love with the female protagonist (Peach and Arle) and try everything to woo them over, but they get stopped due to their own arrogance getting the best of them. They do, however, team up with the hero when necessary.
- The soundtrack would be titled “Shellbound”, referencing Bowser’s turtle physique and the word hellbound, which relates to Satan’s position.