Description[]
Intro[]
Cum and hire Blitzø for DEATH BATTLE![]
Can you kill Suction Cup Man in DEATH BATTLE?[]
Fight[]
(Suction Cup Man is climbing up the side of Guy Buisness' tower...again.)
Suction Cup Man: (singing to the tune of "Yankee Doodle") I'm climbing up a tower to annoy Buissness Dummy! I'll smudge his windows and his glass, and tell him he can fuck me.....wait.
(A portal opens on the side of the tower.)
Suction Cup Man: Ah! Holy shit!
(Blitzø sticks his head out and looks at Suction Cup Man.)
Blitzø: Hi, I'm looking for a guy named Suction Cup Man.
Suction Cup Man: That's me. The fuck do you want?
Blitzø: Oh, great. *Pulls out one of his flintlock pistols.* We got an order for your head from, believe it or not, Satan himself. Say your prayers, bitch!
(Blitzø starts shooting at him. Suction Cup Man avoids all of the shots.)
Suction Cup Man: OH SHIT! *Ditches the suction cups on his hands and starts running up the side of the building.*
Blitzø: Hey, get back here, asshole! *Keeps firing at Suction Cup Man*
(Blitzø keeps firing at Suction Cup Man with Suction Cup Man weaving to dodge the bullets. Eventually, Blitzø runs out of ammo.)
Blitzø: Aw, fuck! *Goes back inside the portal and reopens one higher up on the side of the building. Grabs his assault rifle.*
Suction Cup Man: *Looks behind him and stops running.* Huh. Guess the red bitch gave up.
Blitzø: In your fucking dreams! *Keeps shooting.*
Suction Cup Man: *Turns around and sees Blitzø. Dodges the bullets and blocks some of them with his suction cups.* Huh. Didn't know they could do that. *Looks up at Blitzø.* Hey, fucker! For someone who's job is shooting people, you have pretty shitty aim!
Blitzø: I'll show you shitty aim!
Suction Cup Man: And I'll show you deez nuts!
Blitzø: ....
Suction Cup Man: >:)
Blitzo: Okay, now you're getting shot!
Suction Cup Man: And you're getting deez nuts! *Starts running towards the portal.*
Results[]
Description[]
A battle between Indie Animation's two most infamous nuisances, let's see who wins.
Note: This was made in a google doc before the release of Full Moon, so anything revealed in that or Apology Tour is not going to be counted.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Nuisances, nobody likes them, but everyone knows them.
Boomstick: And no two characters portray the lovable-yet-hateable archetype like our two combatants.
Wiz: Suction Cup Man, the self-proclaimed climber of the year.
Boomstick: Blitzø Buckzo, hell's assassin for hire. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
Suction Cup Man[]
Wiz: It was a normal day for Business Dummy, just like any other in his boring life. But little did he know, this day would change the course of his life forever.
Boomstick: What could have happened to this business man on this day? Did his wife die? Did he suddenly go bankrupt? Did Godzilla decide to snack on his building?
Wiz: As it turned out, it ended up being none of those. The life-changing moment was his confrontation... With a man climbing his tower with suction cups.
Boomstick: And this man, was none other than Suction Cup Man!
Wiz: Not much is known about Suction Cup Man, as the show never revealed anything about his backstory. What it did show us was what his daily life was like, and that consisted of climbing towers, annoying people, and possibly getting shot or attacked.
Boomstick: Equipped with nothing but a guitar, a parachute, and a backpack full of suction cups, Suction Cup Man made it his mission to become as annoying as humanly possible!
Wiz: And he pretty much succeeded with that goal. He managed to piss off Business Dummy, the cops, a Judge, the country of North Korea, as well as literal Satan.
Boomstick: But if he wasn't skilled with the suction cups, then he wouldn't have managed to piss all those people off.
Wiz: Suction Cup Man has been shown to be capable of sticking to a surface with only two suction cups, with his hands sometimes not even grabbing onto their respective cups.
Boomstick: He's also got a monster grip, and some monster cups. At one point he was able to stick onto an already-launched nuclear bomb, and then disarmed it singlehandedly, without falling off!
Wiz: He has also been able to escape Hell, despite Satan himself trying to stop him.
Boomstick: Or that time when he.... When he... Uhhh... Has this guy done anything other than climb towers, stop a nuke, and escape Hell?
Wiz: Not really, he's more of a one-note kind of guy. Preferring the simple life of being an asshole over the more complicated life of what everyone else does, Suction Cup Man lives a happy life, at least for him.
Boomstick: That is until he got depressed!
Wiz: After losing a legal battle with Business Dummy, all of Suction Cup Man's suction cups were removed from him by the law. This sent him into a depressive state, which only got worse after a random old man said he has literally nothing to live for.
Boomstick: He was on the brink of suicide, and if he didn't choose to go to an "adult" shop to buy a rope, it might have all ended.
Wiz: But that shop was his savior, as with the help of the cashier, he was able to get his hands on a different kind of suction cups.
Boomstick: See, the court ruled that he was banned from owning any and all climbing grade suction cups, and uhh, I don't think what he got are exactly climbing grade.
Wiz: He used his newfound suction cups to climb Business Dummy's tower, where he proclaimed himself to be... Penis Man, wait can I even say that on this show?
Boomstick: Trust me Wiz, I've said way worse on the older seasons, I don't think you're going to get in trouble for that.
Wiz: After revealing his new name, Peni-I mean Suction Cup Man debated with Business Dummy, and after making a solid point, Dummy dropped the case.
Boomstick: Now he's back where he should be in life, climbing towers and being a nuisance to everyone he meets.
Wiz: And as he always says..."You can't kill me, I'm Suction Cup Man, look at me go!"
Blitzø Buckzo[]
Wiz: Hell, a place for sinners. If you find yourself there, than you know you're in for an eternity of suffering.
Boomstick: At least that's what most iterations say. In the world of Helluva Boss, Hell is just kind of a more chaotic version of the real mortal world.
Wiz: Sinners aren't the only ones in Hell however, as there are native species. The Hellhounds, the Imps, and the Ars Goeita are some notable examples.
Boomstick: And one imp decided that he wanted some good old money, and that imp is Blitzø Buckzo. But please, call him Blitz, the O is silent.
Wiz: Blitzø created a business all about killing people in the real world. If you want someone who wronged you dead, they are the guys to call.
Boomstick: Because of his job, Blitzø is very skilled in virtually any weapon you throw at him. He's used pistols, rocket launchers, daggers, sniper rifles, and much more to get the job done.
Wiz: But of all his weapons, his double golden percussion pistols are his favorite. These operate like normal pistols, but they're golden.
Boomstick: He also has a fucking rocket launcher double the size of him! And what did he call it, the "Pussy Destroyer"... And the rocket is called "My Dick"... Oh god what have we gotten ourselves into.
Wiz: If you take away his guns and weapons, he's still a master fighter. Being known to use his tail like a sharp whip, Blitzø has taken on impressive foes in hand-to-hand combat, with Striker being one of the most notable.
Boomstick: He's also really freaking durable! Like that one time he fell from a hospital's top floor, and had zero scratches on him! Or when he survived an explosion that wiped out a theme park!
Wiz: But he's not all strengths, he has quite a few weaknesses. Such as his average intelligence.
Boomstick: He knew so little about the human realm that he didn't even know what insurance is! Not only that, but he also doesn't know how to freaking spell!
Wiz: He also has a massive ego, which can get in the way of his assassinations. And from this ego, comes his big mouth that he never stops using.
Boomstick: Blitzø just never shuts up, and when he does, it's never for long.
Wiz: But despite all his flaws, he's still one of Hell's greatest assassins, and I would never want to be on his hitlist."Let's go lick some ass!"
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set, we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
Pre-Fight[]
A trio of imps jump through a portal, all grinning with anticipation of their new job. “Alright ladies let's make this quick!” The leader says as he pulls out his golden percussion pistol. One of the smaller imps looks around, then looks up at the leader, “Uhh, sir, who exactly are we killing again?” The leader presses his face against the glass and begins looking around, “Oh just some jackass who likes to climb on our client’s tower, should be a very quick kill.”
“Uhh, Blitzø, I think I found the target.” The female imp says. The leader, who the imp referred to as Blitzø, turns around and presses his face against the glass on the other side of the room. “I don't see them Mills, just a bunch of bums living on the street.” The smaller imp sighs, “Sir, do we even know what our target looks li-” Blitzø cuts the imp off, “Shut the fuck up Moxxie, if I wanted your opinion I would've asked for it.”
The door suddenly opens and a woman walks in. “Hey uhh, I heard some commotion, is everything alri-” She stops as she sees three demons standing in front of her. After a few seconds of awkward silence, she screams and runs out of the room. Moxxie rolls his eyes and sighs, “Don't worry sir, we’ll handle her.” Blitzø just nods, not bothering to even look at Moxxie, “Yeah yeah whatever, let me focus damnit.” Moxxie then nods and runs out of the room with Millie.
“Alright, where is this chucklefuck?” Blitzø asks himself, before hearing the sounds of suction cups getting progressively louder and louder. He grins and slowly walks towards the opposite window, waiting in anticipation for his victim to show themself.
After about 15 seconds, a man climbs into view and looks at Blitzø directly. “What the fuck, you're not Business Dummy! Who the fuck are you!?” Blitzø smiles and aims his gun at the man, “Name’s Blitzø, the O is silent. But you won't have to remember that, as I'm about to blow your fucking brains out!”
“Ha! You can't kill Suction Cup Man!” The man yells as he flips Blitzø off. Blitzø smiles even more smugly, “Wanna fucking bet?” Suction Cup Man laughs, “Yeah, just try it asshole, you'll fail!” Blitzø pulls the hammer back on his pistol and narrows his eyes, “I'll take that as a fucking challenge!”
Fight![]
Blitzø immediately fires at Suction Cup Man, who blocks the shots with his suction cups. “WOAH HOLY SHIT YOU'RE SERIOUS!” Suction Cup Man yells as the glass from the window starts falling to the ground below. “Of course I'm fucking serious, did you think I was fucking joking?!” Blitzø asks, firing a few more times. “Yeah I kinda did!” Suction Cup Man responds as he blocks the bullets and starts hastily climbing away. “Oh no you fucking don't!” Blitzø yells, running out of the room and charging up the stairs to try and catch up with his opponent.
He barges into the room that was above the previous. “What the hell!?” A man yells, and then gets shot in the head by Blitzø as the demon runs to the window. He smiles and fires at Suction Cup Man, who narrowly dodges. “Jesus man you're insane!” Suction Cup Man yells as he continues to climb, blocking Blitzø’s bullets when he can. “No I'm not, I'm just doing what I'm paid to fucking do!” Blitzø yells, running out of the room and heading to the floor above.
Blitzø barges into the room and immediately shoots the guy who is sitting at the desk, then races to the window. “FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING DICK!” Suction Cup Man says from outside as he climbs faster than before. “OH COME THE FUCK ON, STOP FUCKING RUNNING FROM ME!” Blitzø yells, running to the next floor up.
Blitzø kicks the door open and rushes to the window, looking outside for the man of suction, but is unable to find him. “Where the fuck did he go!?” Blitzø asks, looking around the room. Suction Cup Man, who has managed to hide on the ceiling, silently drops down and runs to the doorway, but is unable to resist the urge to taunt Blitzø. “Over here jackass!” Suction Cup Man yells, before running upstairs. Blitzø turns around and chases after him, “GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!”
Suction Cup Man crashes through the door and tumbles onto the roof. “Oh shit…” he says as he realizes that he's got nowhere to run now. Blitzø runs up a few seconds later and aims his gun at Suction Cup Man, “Time’s up bitch!” Suction Cup Man looks around wildly, before grinning as he gets an idea. He pulls out his guitar and looks at Blitzø, “Hey I wrote you a song!”
Blitzø gives Suction Cup Man a confused look, “W-What?” Suction Cup Man just smiles, “It goes a little something like this!” Suction Cup Man then strums a few notes on his guitar, “You're a bitch!” Blitzø just stares at him in nothing but pure confusion, “How th-” Suction Cup Man starts strumming again as he interupts Blitzø, “Oh you're a bitch, a bitch, a bitch, a biiitch!” he sings, before playing a few notes on his harmonica, then flips Blitzø off, “Bitch!”
Blitzø blinks, then shakes his head and readjusts his aim at Suction Cup Man, “No more fucking games, time to sleep with the fishies Sucking Cock Man.” Suction Cup Man bursts into laughter, “HA! SUCKING COCK MAN, THAT'S FUCKING HILARIO- SURPRISE ATTACK MOTHERFUCKER!” he yells, throwing his harmonica into Blitzø’s eye, causing the demon to scream in pain and fall backwards to the ground. Suction Cup Man then runs over and kicks Blitzø in the nuts, before starting to smash his guitar into the demon’s body, not stopping until the instrument fully breaks.
Suction Cup Man smiles in victory as he looks down at the injured demon, “Yeah, who’s the killer now bitch?” Blitzø groans in pain as he holds his shoulder, “You fucking dick…” he says, before stabbing his tail into Suction Cup Man’s leg, causing him to scream in pain. Blitzø smiles and uses his tail to force Suction Cup Man to the ground, and then stands up. Blitzø aims his gun at Suction Cup Man, “I've had enough of your games, Suction Cup Man.”
Suction Cup Man looks at Blitzø smugly, “I already told you, you can't kill Suction Cup Man!” Blitzø narrows his eyes, “Fine, let's test that then, you weird fucking dumbass.” Blitzø then fires, but Suction Cup Man manages to roll out of the way at the last second.
Suction Cup Man jumps up and knees Blitzø in the side, knocking him back a few steps. Suction Cup Man then pulls out his backup guitar and goes to smash it into Blitzø’s head, but gets shot in the leg before he can, causing him to fall right back down screaming. “OW MY FUCKING LEG!” Blitzø gets up, a very pissed expression on his face. He aims his gun at Suction Cup Man’s head and fires, not even bothering to say something beforehand.
After a few seconds, Blitzø takes a deep breath and relaxes a bit. “That guy was really fucking annoying, but I guess you can in fact kill Suction Cup Man…” He says, walking towards the door that leads to the stairwell.
“HEY JACKASS!” Blitzø hears from behind him, making him freeze in place. “I told you, you can't kill Suction Cup Man!” Blitzø slowly turns around and sees Suction Cup Man, standing upright and fully alive and well. “How the FUCK did you survive that!? I shot you through the fucking brain!” Blitzø yells. Suction Cup Man smiles, “Oh, I just did something called CLIMB OUT OF HELL!” Blitzø looks at him dumbfounded, “Wait… You can just… Do that?” Suction Cup Man laughs, “Why of course I fucking can, I'm Suction Cup Man, look at me go!”
Blitzø narrows his eyes, “Fine.. I'll just fucking kill you again then!” Suction Cup Man smiles, “Sure, but I'll just come back! You can't kill Suction Cup Ma-” Blitzø interupts him, “I KNOW YOU CAN'T KILL FUCKING SUCTION CUP MAN! THAT'S ALL YOU EVER FUCKING SAY!” Suction Cup Man gives Blitzø a smug grin, “Wow, someone’s cranky.”
Blitzø’s right eye twitches as he tightens his grip on his gun, “Do you even know who I am, or how many people I've fucking murdered?” Suction Cup Man smiles and gives a snarky response, “Do you even know deez nuts?!” After a few seconds of silence, Blitzø fires at Suction Cup Man, who quickly reacts and deflects the shots with his suction cups. Suction Cup Man takes out a rope and throws it around Blitzø’s leg, pulling back and forcing Blitzø to the ground and causing him to drop his guns in the process. Suction Cup Man smiles as he pulls Blitzø over to him, and he looks down at the defenseless imp. “Who’s in control now bitch?”
Blitzø smiles a smug grin and stabs his tail into Suction Cup Man’s leg, pulling him to the ground. The demon then quickly unties the rope around his leg and sprints to his guns as Suction Cup Man stands up and gives chase. Blitzø dives to his guns and grabs them, then quickly turns around and fires at Suction Cup Man, who was swinging his guitar down at Blitzø, which allows him to accidentally block the shots. Suction Cup Man decides to take this opportunity and smashes the guitar into the demon again and again.
“Yeah fuck you, you fucking dick!” Suction Cup Man says as he stomps down on Blitzø’s nuts. The demon screams in pain and curls over, leaving him vulnerable for another attack. Suction Cup Man smiles as he picks Blitzø up and walks towards the edge of the roof. “Isn't it a nice view, from all the way up here? Lucky for you, this will be the last thing you ever see!” Suction Cup Man says as he lifts Blitzø above his head.
Blitzø suddenly chomps down on Suction Cup Man’s hand, causing him to drop the demon onto the rooftop. Suction Cup Man stumbles back a few steps as he holds his hand in pain. “OW FUCK, YOU FUCKING DICK THAT HURT!” Blitzø doesn't hesitate to kick Suction Cup Man off the roof while he has the chance. “And don't fucking come back this ti- OW FUCK!” Blitzø yells as he gets nailed in the face by a guitar thrown by Suction Cup Man, causing him to lose his balance and fall off the roof.
Blitzø and Suction Cup Man both narrow their eyes as they fall down the absurdly tall office building. “It seems like we’re gonna have to wrap this up, so let's fucking finish this already!” Blitzø says, pointing his pistol at Suction Cup Man. Suction Cup Man laughs as he activates his parachute, “Yeah no fuck you, bye bye you bitch!” Blitzø flips Suction Cup Man off, “FUCK YOU THAT'S CHEATING!” “I DON'T FUCKING CARE, SUCK MY DICK!” Suction Cup Man yells back.
Blitzø then realizes how dire of a situation this is, and quickly grabs onto the side of the building, which doesn't work as the entire tower is covered in glass windows. “Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me.” Blitzø says, before getting an idea. The imp pulls out his phone and quickly calls Loona, “Come on, come on, pick up dammit!” After about 20 seconds, he gets sent to voicemail. “Oh christ on a stick Loona, now is not the FUCKING TIME to be moody!” And that's when he gets another call, this one is from Stolas. He picks it up, “Uhh, hi Stolas, why are you calling?”
“Hello Blitzy, I noticed you're in a bit of trouble, do you want my help?” Stolas asks. “Yes, yes I d- Wait how the fuck do you know that I'm in trouble?” Blitzø hears Stolas chuckle, “Oh I have my ways Blitzy, now, do you want my help or not?” Blitzø let's out a sigh, then nods, “Yes, I need your he- OW FUCK!” He screams and drops his phone as a sharp pain suddenly erupts from his shoulder. When he looks over, he sees a climbing ax lodged into his shoulder, and then he looks up and sees Suction Cup Man flipping him off.
“FUCK YOU, YOU'RE NOT GETTING SAVED DEMON-BITCH!” Suction Cup Man yells. Blitzø narrows his eyes and pulls the ax out of his shoulder and tries to throw it at Suction Cup Man, but isn't able to throw it high enough. “Some dumbass who climbs FUCKING TOWERS will NOT be the cause of my death!” Blitzø yells, pulling out his pistol and shooting at Suction Cup Man, more specifically his parachute. One of the straps on Suction Cup Man’s backpack gets shot in half, causing the parachute to quickly slip off his body and send him into a freefall. “OH FUCK YOU!”
Blitzø laughs, and then looks down and realizes he's only about 50 feet from the ground. Before he can even start screaming, he lands in a conveniently placed bush, allowing him to somehow survive the massive fall. Suction Cup Man lands on the hard concrete next to him a few seconds later, startling the nearby pedestrians. “Oh my god!” “Is he ok?” “What the hell just happened?!” “Holy shit!”
Blitzø groans and gets out of the bush, scaring even more pedestrians due to his clearly non-human body. Blitzø ignores all the humans and walks towards Suction Cup Man, aiming his pistol at his head, “You better not come back from that one-” “FUCK YOU YOU CAN'T KILL SUCTION CUP MAN, LOOK AT ME GO!” Suction Cup Man yells, jumping up and running away after grabbing his parachute. “NO THE FUCK YOU DO NOT!” Blitzø yells, running after Suction Cup Man.
Suction Cup Man spins around and starts blocking Blitzø’s shots with his suction cups as they continue to run throughout the city. Blitzø narrows his eyes and throws his green dagger, which Suction Cup Man also blocks with his cups. “Oh hey look, a free knife, thanks!” Suction Cup Man says as he takes the dagger out of the cup and places it in his pocket. “Hey, give that back you fuckhead!” Blitzø yells as he cocks a shotgun. “NO FUCK YO-” Suction Cup Man then notices the shotgun and interupts himself, “Oh fuck me-”
Blitzø fires, and due to it being a shotgun, Suction Cup Man is unable to block every shot. The man of suction cups falls to the ground in pain, which allows Blitzø to quickly catch up with him. Blitzø aims the shotgun right at Suction Cup Man’s face and smiles, “This time, don't fucking come back.”
“Oh silly little Blitzø, you just don't realize it do you? No matter how many times you kill me, I will just climb out of hell. I'm a master of suction cups, nothing will be able to stop me!” Suction Cup Man says triumphantly. Blitzø narrows one of his eyes, “Well, fine then, I'll just take away your suction cups.” Suction Cup Man looks at him dumbfounded, “You… Wouldn't dare take Suction Cup Man’s suction cups away, then I'll just be Man!” Blitzø smiles as he stabs each of the cups with his tail and pries them out of Suction Cup Man’s grasp, “Yes, yes I do dare. DIE BITCH!” He says, before firing his shotgun directly into Suction Cup Man’s head.
Blitzø smiles as Moxxie and Millie run over. “Sir, did you take out the target?” Moxxie asks. Blitzø nods, “Yes, yes I did, now let's get the fuck home, I want to get back to the correct Hell.” Blitzø then pulls out the Grimoire and opens a portal back to Hell, to which Moxxie and Millie both run into. Blitzø turns around and looks at Suction Cup Man, “As it turns out, you can kill Suction Cup M-” He gets cut off as his green dagger gets thrown into his shoulder, causing him to drop the book in pain. Moxxie and Millie turn around and go to help their boss, but are unable to make it in time, as the portal closes right before they can get through.
“How the fuck did you come back!?” Blitzø yells as he takes the dagger out of his shoulder. Suction Cup Man smiles as Blitzø realizes that he is no longer using traditional suction cups. “I'M PENIS MAN!” Suction Cup Man says. “NO, THE FUCK, YOU ARE NOT!” Blitzø yells as he pulls out his percussion pistol. “Did you really think I only have climbing grade suction cups? Of course I fucking don't! Anyway, wanna know what these things sound like?” Suction Cup Man asks, before grabbing one of the non-climbing-grade suction cups and wiggling it around for about 15 seconds. After finishing wiggling the suction cup, he smiles and says, “That's what good mac and cheese sounds like!”
“I DON'T CARE WHAT IT FUCKING SOUNDS LIKE!” Blitzø yells. Suction Cup Man shrugs, “I don't care that you don't care, it's still fucking hilarious.” Blitzø rolls his eyes and fires his pistol at Suction Cup Man, who tries to block the bullet with his non-climbing-grade suction cups, but due to their small size he is unable to, and is shot in the arm. “OW MY FUCKING ARM!” Suction Cup Man yells as he turns around and starts running away.
Instead of running after Suction Cup Man, Blitzø drops a bag to the ground and starts rummaging through it. After a few seconds, he smiles as he pulls out a massive missile launcher labeled the “Pussy Destroyer”. “Oh yeah, we’re getting hard with this bitch!” Blitzø yells, before firing a large missile labeled “My Dick” at Suction Cup Man. Speaking of, Suction Cup Man hasn't even realized that Blitzø isn't chasing him, so when he turns around to mock Blitzø and ends up mocking a missile that's at least twice his size instead, it's safe to say that he's very surprised.
“HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK!?” Suction Cup Man yells, before getting hit head-on and is sent flying into a building, crashing through the windows and tumbling through the store. Blitzø laughs as he quickly makes his way into the store and looks down at the heavily injured Suction Cup Man. “I'm fucking tired of your bullshit. Now, before I kill you for the third FUCKING time, hand over the kinky shit.”
Suction Cup Man grins, “No, I don't think I will!” Blitzø rolls his eyes and kicks Suction Cup Man in the nuts, then forcefully removes the adult suction cups from Suction Cup Man. “Ha, I knew you were nothing but a massive dick!” Suction Cup Man says. “Shut the fuck up you no-good son of a bitch. You shouldnt have any more suction cups, so it's time to actually kill you for once and for fucking all!” Blitzø yells as he pulls the hammer back on the gun.
“Oh you just don't get it do you?” Suction Cup Man asks, which confuses Blitzø just a bit. “The fuck are you talking about?” Blitzø asks, narrowing his eyes. “You really think you can stop me from using all suction cups? Plungers can be used as suction cups, so can dent pullers for fixing dents in your car. Mounts for your phone that you stick to your windshield. Those little rubber shower hooks, foam darts with sticky ends, your mom, your mom’s mom, suction cup therapy, do NOT look that up! Have you ever considered the human mouth as a suction cup? I don't even have to use suction cups to get out of hell. Climbing axes could work just fine, so could rope or glue. I can and will use all these things if I must! So to make a long fucking story short, you really can't kill Suction Cup Man.”
Blitzø just stands there in silence as he tries to wrap his brain around what Suction Cup Man had just told him. He's so puzzled in fact, that Suction Cup Man is able to get up and smash his guitar into the demon’s head, knocking him to the ground. This finally snaps Blitzø out of his trance and he goes to shoot Suction Cup Man, but realizes that his gun was knocked out of his hands. “Oh you suck for life, huh?” Blitzø says, before getting slammed by the guitar once again.
“Hey, demon-bitch, I wrote you a song…” Suction Cup Man says as he raises his guitar above his head. “It goes a little something like this. FUCK YOU!” He yells as he smashes the guitar into Blitzø’s face. Blitzø screams and holds his bloody face, but is able to mostly ignore the pain for a while as he kicks Suction Cup Man in the balls. “OW MY FUCKING DICK!” Suction Cup Man yells as he stumbles back a few steps.
“When I kill you, I'm going to go down to Hell and personally make fucking sure that you don't climb back up…” Blitzø says as he stands up and limps towards Suction Cup Man. “Fat chance dipshit, you won't even be able to kill me! Look at you, you're barely alive as it is!” Suction Cup Man responds as he pulls out another backup guitar.
Blitzø and Suction Cup Man both narrow their eyes as they stare at each other. Blitzø then makes the first move by shooting his revolver at Suction Cup Man, who leaps out of the way, but not entirely, and gets shot in the kneecap. “OW MY FUCKING KNEECAP!” Suction Cup Man yells as he falls to the ground. Blitzø takes this opportunity to try and quickly end Suction Cup Man, but gets his dagger blocked by Suction Cup Man’s guitar.
“It's not gonna be that fucking easy, you should know that by now!” Suction Cup Man says as he pulls out his harmonica and smacks Blitzø in the eye with it. Blitzø yelps, then retaliates by smacking Suction Cup Man across the face with one of the adult suction cups he took earlier. “Ok now that's just fucking disrespectful.” Suction Cup Man says. Blitzø doesn't respond and instead tackles Suction Cup Man to the ground, grabbing him by the throat and starting to strangle him.
Suction Cup Man panics and quickly knees Blitzø in the nuts, causing the demon to release his grasp on the man of suction cups. “Strangelation, now that's a good idea!” Suction Cup Man says as he takes out his parachute and wraps it around Blitzø’s neck. Before he can start strangling him however, Blitzø manages to stab Suction Cup Man in the arm with his green dagger. During the very brief moment of opportunity, Blitzø manages to grasp Suction Cup Man’s throat again and starts choking him. Suction Cup Man tries to yell, but is unable to, and instead just tightens the knot around Blitzø’s neck, causing him to start getting choked as well.
Blitzø and Suction Cup Man lay there on the ground, both strangling each other, hoping they can outlast the other. Suction Cup Man’s face starts to turn blue as Blitzø’s eyelids start to droop. Suction Cup Man then realizes that he, a mostly normal human, will not be able to outlast a demon from Hell, and he starts accepting his fate. Blitzø smiles as Suction Cup Man drops the parachute’s strings and goes limp. “As I wanted to say, you can kill Suction Cup Ma-” Blitzø gets cut off as Suction Cup Man opens his eyes, laughs, and smashes his guitar into the demon’s head, knocking him to the ground.
“Oh what, did you really think I’d get strangled that quickly, I'm durable as fuck!” Suction Cup Man says. “You little piece of SHIT!” Blitzø yells, lunging at Suction Cup Man, who narrowly steps out of the way, letting the demon crash into a glass shelf. Suction Cup Man laughs and mocks the demon, “Ha, looks like things are really crashing down for you!” Blitzø narrows his eyes and growls, “Oh shut the FUCK UP ALREADY!” The demon yells, spinning around and throwing a knife into Suction Cup Man’s shoulder.
The self-proclaimed climber of the year screams in pain and stumbles back a few steps as Blitzø stands up. The demon opens the Grimoire and creates a portal behind him, “I'm ending this, whether you fucking like it or not.” He says, shooting Suction Cup Man between the eyes. Blitzø then turns and runs through the portal, quickly closing it behind him.
Location: Imp City, Pride Ring of Hell.
“S-Sir! You're back!” Moxxie says, only to be immediately pushed out of the way by Blitzø. The demon slams his elbow into a window to shatter it, then jumps out and dashes away. Millie walks over and watches Blitzø run away, “Wonder what his deal is…”
Blitzø shoots a random demon and steals their car, “Come on, hurry the fuck up!” He yells to himself as he speeds off towards Pentagram City.
Location: Pentagram City Outskirts, Pride Ring of Hell.
Suction Cup Man lands face first on the ground, “Ow fuck!” He gets up and brushes himself off, “That fucking dick-demon will never learn… Whatever, time to climb!” He says as he pulls out his climbing axes and starts to climb.
“HEY FUCKHEAD!” Suction Cup Man hears a familiar voice yell from below him. When he looks down, he sees Blitzø staring at him, with his hands on his hips. “Oh shi- Hello demon-fucker, nice to see that you finally decided to see how I work my magic!” Suction Cup Man yells. “Fuck you, I'm here to kill you bitch!” Blitzø yells back as he pulls out a sniper.
“Oh sh-” Suction Cup Man gets shot off the wall and falls to the ground next to Blitzø. “You're a fucking dickhead, you know that?” Suction Cup Man says as he gets up. Blitzø smiles and shoots both of Suction Cup Man’s legs, forcing him to the ground. “AH SHIT, THAT FUCKING HURT, YOU DICK!” Suction Cup Man yells.
Blitzø smiles and places his foot on Suction Cup Man’s chest. He then aims his golden percussion pistol right at Suction Cup Man's head, “You're not coming back from this one, Suction Cup Man.” The demon says, before pulling the trigger. Suction Cup Man’s hand falls to his side as the gunshot rings throughout the area.
Blitzø smirks and steps off of Suction Cup Man’s body, “What a waste of my fucking time…” He says, turning around and walking away.
KO!
Results[]
Boomstick: Woah, that was... Confusing, wait what the hell just happened?
Wiz: While Suction Cup Man's pseudo-immortality definitely proved troublesome for Blitzø, his immortality comes from the fact that he could climb out of Hell.
Boomstick: And since Blitzø lives in Hell, it wouldn't be long before the demon decided to kill him there.
Wiz: Suction Cup Man is also lacking in a lot of areas compared to Blitzø. The demon has superior skills with weapons, agility, durability, speed, and intelligence.
Boomstick: And while Suction Cup Man was more clever than Blitzø, that ultimately didn't matter when Blitzø beats him in every other area.
Wiz: The winner, is Blitzø Buckzo.