Description[]
Metal Gear vs. We3. It's three against one in a battle of machine animals!
Introduction[]
Wiz: In the past, animals have always been utilized on the battlefield; horses are ridden to trample foes underfoot, messenger pigeons are used to send information, and elephants were used to trample foes underfoot.
Boomstick: And now, animals have been upgraded into the form of powerful cybernetic soldier.
Wiz: Blade Wolf, the robotic wolf from Metal Gear.
Boomstick: And We3, the trio of cyborg house pets. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Blade Wolf[]
Wiz: Following the collapse of the Patriots, a new terrorist group known as Desperado rose up to try and fill the power vacuum.
Boomstick: These guys were one seriously crazy powerful army. Their ranks included giant robots called UGs, cyborg mercenaries called the Winds of Destruction, and last but not least, a canine-like machine called LQ-84i.
- Background
- Age: 3
- Height: Est. 6'
- Formerly known as LQ-84i
- Remade by Maverick
- Adopted by Sunny
- Dislikes shaking hands
Wiz: Built as a prototype in a line of machines that could replace humans on the battlefield, LQ-84i was outfitted with an AI unit with a neuron optical count of 90 billion.
Boomstick: Does that mean he's more intelligent than you?
Wiz: Well I...oh god.
Boomstick: Just goes to show that animals are more clever than you give them credit for, right Jack Daniels?
(Woof)
Boomstick: Heh, heh, yeah. But anyway, working for Desperado wasn't working out for LQ, so he attempted to make a break for it. It... didn't go so well.
Wiz: Fortunately, upon being thrust upon the battlefield once more by Desperado, LQ was defeated by the cyborg Raiden. Deciding LQ could still be useful, Maverick, Raiden's company, rebuilt LQ into his new moniker, Blade Wolf.
Boomstick: And with a name like that, you know that his main feature is all his insane cutting abilities.
- Arsenal and Abilities
- High-Frequency Chainsaw
- Intense spinning speed
- Destabilizes molecular bonds
- Blade Mode
- Heat Knives
- Claws
- Extending Tail
- Camouflage
- High-Frequency Chainsaw
Wiz: In particular is his High-Frequency Chainsaw. Whilst other High-Frequency weaponry are based on extreme sound waves channeled along a blade, the Chainsaw recreates this method by spinning it's blades at such intense speeds it can destabilize molecular bonds, enabling it to cut through nearly anything.
Boomstick: Perfect for slicing enemy cyborgs apart to tear out their vital parts in Blade Mode, and probably the perfect tool for cutting down that tree obscuring the ladies pool by my house.
Wiz: Overpowered chainsaw aside, Blade Wolf also carries several super heated daggers and uses his extended tail to utilize his arsenal in battle. Plus, he can turn himself invisible to get the drop on enemies.
- Feats
- Blocked attacks from Khamsin
- Kept pace with Raiden
- Survived a hit from Armstrong
- Fought through Abkhazia
- Defeated a LQ-84i model and Khamsin
Boomstick: And he certainly knows how to maximize all those tools. He's fought his way through an entire city of cyborgs and robots, been able to get the drop on and keep up with Raiden of all people, and defeated Khamsin, a lesser known member of the Winds of Destruction.
Wiz: Khamsin wields a giant war hammer-like weapon, which appears to enhance it's striking power with what appears to be jet boosters. With that in mind, by applying the acceleration of such boosters to the apparent weight of the war-hammer's head, Khamsin must strike with a force of 37 million newtons.
Boomstick: And Blade Wolf can both block and take strikes from this thing. Plus, it seems that you just can't keep this dog down; he's been destroyed by Jetstream Sam and Raiden, heavily damaged at an air base and kicked by Armstrong, yet every time he gets back into the fray.
Wiz But these are still essentially defeats and Blade Wolf has been tricked before in the past, despite his incredible intelligence. But anyone who is the one to save the likes of Raiden is definitely a machine who leaves their mark.
We3[]
Wiz: Little do the public know that, somewhere, at sometime, the next generation of America's military forces was being created by Dr. Rosanne Berry and Doctor Trendle.
Boomstick: And they were animals. And we're not talking about finding new creatures to ride into battle upon their backs, I'm talking about animal soldiers, with guns, weapons and even a badass suits of armor.
Wiz: And the three most prominent members of this military program was We3.
Boomstick: Wait, but there are only two of us. Do you mean the Intern?
Wiz: No, their names are We3.
Boomstick: Oh, is this one of those riddles where they have the same name as us?
Wiz: No, the codenames of the three animal soldiers was We-3! I'm not going through another That Man incident!
Boomstick: Okay, okay, keep your robot arm on Wiz.
- Background
- Bandit AKA 1
- Species: Dog
- Tinker AKA 2
- Species: Cat
- Pirate AKA 3
- Species: Rabbit
- Kidnapped from their homes
- Adopted by homeless man
- Bandit AKA 1
Wiz: Ahem, anyway, Bandit, Tinker and Pirate were kidnapped from their homes to be become soldiers within this military operation, where they were outfitted with powerful armour and slight cybernetics that allowed for increased intelligence and limited speech.
Boomstick: Gifts aside, this probably wasn't the best gig for these three, because the first chance they got, they made a run for it.
Wiz: But the government wanted to prevent their experiments from going public, and how did they decide to go about it?
Boomstick: By sending the mother of all dogcatchers, the US military after them.
Wiz: But they were about to find out it wouldn't be that easy, because We3 had no problem turning their weaponry on their old masters.
- Arsenal
- Durable Armour
- Intelligence boosting cybernetics
- Bandit
- Machine guns
- Tinker
- Claws
- Dart Gun
- Pirate
- Mines
Boomstick: Like we've mentioned before, they have powerful suits of armors that enhance their physical abilities immensely, but there's much more than that. Bandit, the dog, carries several machine guns that can pulverize a target, like a dog would when jumping on a person, Tinker, like any cat, has a ton of darts and claws to slash down waves of mooks, and the bunny Pirate specializes in dropping mines and bombs like rabbit droppings.
- Feats
- Pirate withstood a shotgun blast to the head
- Bandit smashed through a brick wall
- Tag-teamed We4
- Fought through armies
- Pirate blew up a bridge with a bomb
- Defeated the Rat Biorgs and We4
Wiz: But what truly makes We3 a force to be reckoned with is their capability to work as a team. Together, they've fought past entire small armies as a single efficient killing unit and in one battle, defeated We4, a far more powerful animal soldier, with teamwork.
Boomstick: And during the battle, Bandit was able to smash through a solid brick wall!
Wiz: By counting the number of bricks involved in the impact and the main sheering strength of bricks, then this would have equaled a force of 6760 newtons of force, thanks in part to their incredibly durable armors.
Boomstick: But their armors have a glaring weakness; mainly, their incredibly exposed heads from which a decisive bullet could reduce it to bloody vapor.
Wiz: Plus, without a special medication, remaining too long in their armors can prove fatal to them. And, unfortunately, their quest for home ended up costing Pirate his life.
Boomstick: Still, there's a reason why these three were considered the very best out of the next generation of animal soldiers.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set, time to end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle.
The Battle[]
At a industrial dock, there were several presences sneaking around, their shadows being cast on large shipping containers as guards patrolled the area.
Suddenly, the alarm when off as a cloud of smoke and gas rose up, obscuring the following scene as the intruders descended on the guards, and when the smoke cleared, the guards' remains were littered across the ground, and standing a few feet away from the other, was a robotic canine and a trio of animals within different coloured armours.
Bandit cocked his head to the side.
Bandit: What. R. U?
Blade Wolf: Whatever I am, it is far superior to your intelligence.
Tinker: Stink! Dog Stink! Kill!
Tinker lunged at Blade Wolf.
FIGHT!
Blade Wolf somersaulted backwards to avoid Tinker's lung, landing in front of her after the flip and after her lunge had finished; he lashed out with his claws, his slashes being countered by Tinker's own. This continued for a while before Blade Wolf spun around and slashed at the cat with his chainsaw via his tail, forcing her to leap backwards.
Bandit: Gud Cat!
Bandit used this opportunity to unleash a barrage of bullets at Blade Wolf, forcing him to run around to avoid the bullets as they tore apart the ground. Outrunning the barrage as it turned to track him, Blade Wolf, jumped onto the side of a container and pounced from it towards his opponents, spinning around as he did. We3 leaped to different sides to avoid the attack as it smashed into the ground. In the midst of the animals, Blade Wolf unleashed several slashed using his chainsaw, forcing the team to keep a distance from him as they leaped and dodged to avoid the attacks. Whilst his back was turned to him, Bandit lunged at Blade Wolf and struck him in the back with an armored paw, causing Blade Wolf to stagger forwards slightly, before turning around to slash at Bandit with his claws. The dog leapt away, and this provided an opportunity for Pirate to perform a powerful leap forward upon Blade Wolf before leaping away, pushing Blade Wolf down to the ground before Tinker unleashed a barrage of darts into Blade Wolf's side, causing slight damage, and to follow up, Bandit lunged at Blade Wolf and slammed into him, sending the UG flying backwards to smash into a container.
Tinker: Stink go away!
Tinker raised her armored paw and fired one of the claws at Blade Wolf, who was able to react fast enough accurately slice the projectile in half with his chainsaw, before leaping on top of the shipping container.
Blade Wolf: To continue along would be foolish; backup required!
Blade Wolf let out a howl, and a GEKKO UG leapt from the distance and landed in the docks. It let out a mechanical wail and charged at the trio; Bandit was able to leap to the side as Pirate and Tinker where forced to run from the GEKKO down a passageway between the shipping containers. Bandit watched his allies being chased away before fixing his gaze on Blade Wolf.
Bandit: Bad Dog!
He barked in challenge and ran full pelt at Blade Wolf, leaping upwards at him. Blade Wolf responded in kind, and the two collided in mid-air and as they fell back to Earth, Blade Wolf clamped his metal jaws on Bandit's arm and threw him down to the ground. As Bandit staggered back to his feet, Blade Wolf landed and lunged at him; pinning him down, Blade Wolf stabbed at him with his chainsaw, and Bandit dodged his head to the side to avoid it, although his ear was shredded by it. Bandit howled in pain and pushed Blade Wolf off, who landed cleanly back on his feet. Bandit got back up and fired his guns at Blade Wolf, who leapt to the side to avoid it and hurled a Heat Knife upwards towards a chain holding up one end of a shipping container, causing it to swing downwards and it's content to spill out, burying Bandit under several bricks.
Meanwhile, Tinker and Pirate were busy dodging attacks from the GEKKO. As Tinker landed from leaping over a sweeping kick, she aimed and fired another of her claws, this one going straight through it's knee, crippling it, before Bandit leapt over it and dropped a bomb onto it's head, blowing a huge chunk of it out. Pirate landed.
Pirate: Job. Well. Done.
Suddenly, a lash impaled him from behind, and Blade Wolf's camouflage turned off. He pulled his tail from Pirate's back before slashing him down the middle and tearing his power cell out to heal and repower himself.
Tinker: STINK!
Bandit: Bad Dog!
Bandit came running down the passageway, covered in dust from the bricks that had fallen on him.
Blade Wolf turned in surprise, and Tinker took this chance to leap onto his back and slash with her claws at his visor. As Blade Wolf bucked to try and dislodge his adversary, Bandit lunged at Blade Wolf, smashing into him and knocking him straight through one of the shipping containers and down the grassy slope on the other side, in the process knocking away Blade Wolf's chainsaw. Both canines got back to their feet; Bandit snarled and leapt at his opponent.
But then Blade Wolf's arm shot upwards and three Heat Knives where hurled at Bandit; the first two lodged themselves into Bandit's armor's chest in the middle and the neck, and the third embedded itself in his forehead, searing through flesh and killing him instantly. Tinker's body crumpled to the ground as he fell back down.
As Blade Wolf let out a metallic sigh, a claw projectile embedded itself in his visor, cracking it. Tinker leapt at Blade Wolf, slashing away at him with her claws until Blade Wolf locked his claws with his own, both trying to overpower the other. Slowly and surely, Tinker started to push Blade Wolf backwards. Tinker leered forward and glared at Blade Wolf in his cracked visor.
Tinker: Stink dog!
But then Blade Wolf's tail seized a hold of his chainsaw, which he had purposely allowed himself to be pushed backwards to get, and impaled it down through Tinker's shoulder. As Tinker yowled in dismay, Blade Wolf activated the chainsaw's rotation mechanism, slicing up the inside of Tinker's armor and part of her own body, before tearing it out violently, killing Tinker, who's lifeless body Blade Wolf pushed away to crash on its back as oil and blood leaked from the massive gash.
Blade Wolf: Targets terminated. Returning to Raiden.
KO!
Outcome[]
Boomstick: Oh man, PETA is gonna has a field trip with us. Whilst Tinker, Bandit and Pirate naturally outnumbered Blade Wolf, it wouldn't do much good against an opponent who's pretty much superior to them in nearly all aspects.
Wiz: Blade Wolf easily held the speed advantage, being able to keep pace with Raiden in their battle. True he was ultimately defeated, but Raiden was unable to accurately tag him until he was able to successfully intercept an attack directed straight at him.
Boomstick: Like any dog trick in the world. Plus, Blade Wolf could use Blade Mode, and that thing's just plain overpowered with an overpowered all-cutting weapon; it could even let him slice Pirate's mines in half, and since We3 were cyborgs, it's likely they had similar components to the cyborgs Blade Wolf fought, meaning he could take their vital parts to refuel himself.
Wiz: Even if they were completely different models, it's unlikely they stand up to Blade Wolf's physical might.
Boomstick: Yeah; Bandit was able to strike with a force of 6760 newtons of force, but Blade Wolf could strike with 37 million newtons!
Wiz: Just in case you need a translation just how outmatched We3 were, when translating newtons to tons force, their attack equaled less than a single ton.
Boomstick: But the final advantage Blade Wolf held was his incredible intelligence. We3 worked well as a team, but Blade Wolf's neuron count meant he could easily anticipate and strategize around his opponent's attacks, in contrast to their rather limited intelligence.
Wiz: We3 was a formidable team, but Blade Wolf was far stronger, faster, better equipped and much smarter.
Boomstick: Trust us, when it comes to the deaths of pets, We2 are just as unhappy.
Wiz: The winner is Blade Wolf.
Next Time[]
Vampire versus human
Powerhouse sadists
Trivia[]
- The connection between Blade Wolf and We3 is that they are robotic soldiers themed after animals created by secret government groups, and who seek their own freedom.
- If this battle had original music, it would have been called 'We84', which replaces the 3 in We3 with the numbers in Blade Wolf's original name