Fan-Made Thumbnail by DBDoctor13
Bill & Ted vs Jay & Silent Bob is a What-If? Death Battle by DBDoctor13. It sees Bill S. Preston and Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan from the Bill & Ted franchise fighting Jay and Silent Bob from the View Askew franchise.
DESCRIPTION[]
Two dimwitted duos who have gone everywhere imaginable now face-off in this Two-on-Two Death Battle! Will Jay and Silent Bob be the Snoochie Boochies in Hell? Or will Bill & Ted take another Bogus Journey through the afterlife?
INTRODUCTION[]
(Music: Wiz & Boomstick- Brandon Yates)
Boomstick: It’s not enough to fight on your own. Sometimes, it works out better when you’re going on crazy adventures with your friend.
Wiz: Take it from us; it’s no easy task to do all this research on our own, and it helps even when the person we work with might be different in even the most radical of ways.
Boomstick: But more times than not, it’s more fun when the person you work with shares traits with you. Like these guys!
Wiz: Bill & Ted; the Time-Traveling Teenagers from San Dimas High School.
Boomstick: And Jay & Silent Bob; The Mallrats from New Jersey. He’s Wiz, and I’m Boomstick!
Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skill to find out who would win a Death Battle!
BILL & TED[]
(Music: Sidewinding by Terry Devine-King from Electro Pop, Electronica 1493)
Wiz: The Year is 2688. The Future couldn’t be more perfect. Earth has united in peace and harmony not just across the planet, but across space as well. The air is clean, the water is clean, even the dirt is clean!
Boomstick: Bowling averages are way up, mini-golf scores are way down, and Earth had more water slides than any planet it communicated with. How is this all possible, you may ask? Well, it’s thanks to the music and philosophy spread by the two founding members of the rock band simply known as Wyld Stallyns.
(BILL: I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire! TED: And I am Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan! BILL & TED: And we’re… WYLD STALLYNS!!!)
Wiz: Don’t let their appearance or intelligence fool you…
(MR. RYAN: Who was Joan of Arc? TED: Noah’s Wife?)
Wiz: Bill and Ted’s music did make a difference to Earth. It put an end to war and poverty. It aligned the planets and brought them into universal harmony, allowing for meaningful contact with all forms of life from extraterrestrials to common household pets.
Boomstick: Point is, they might not look like much, but they are actually everything.
(Music: Crank Up the Power by Adam Drake from Action Rock 2582)
Wiz: However, Bill and Ted would not get to where they are today without having some impressive feats. The Wyld Stallyns are fast enough to spin around each other quick enough to create an after blur effect, outrun a T-Rex, and dodge deadly items from machine gun fire, to cannons, and gladiator weapons swung by actual warriors of the time!
Boomstick: They’ve survived getting tossed down a bar table and through a wall, a trap door drop from over a dozen feet above, blow out their amps with some hard rocking notes, and in one instance, Bill accidently knocked over the Liberty Bell!
Wiz: We know that the Liberty Bell is over 2000 pounds. This means that Bill can actually be tougher than the bell itself and thus we can scale Ted to the same feat since he scaled to Bill’s durability feat. Such as the time when he wasn’t bothered by a lightsaber touching his bare skin!
Boomstick: Holy shit! These two are fucking insane! But let’s talk about their equipment. Like their famous phone booth! This marvelous technology was given to them by George Carlin straight from the year 2688. Using the booth and programing a series of phone addresses provided in their handy-dandy phone book, Bill and Ted are able to traverse space and time, going wherever they want, allowing them to do things such as passing their history report via kidnapping historical figures to speak on behalf of the two. They can even use it to pick up some pop culture characters when they want to put on an awesome Halloween show!
Wiz: Through the use of their phone booth, Bill and Ted were also able to learn how to create time-loops by pre-setting certain things to aid them in breaking out their kidnapped historical figures from jail. The only catch is that once they’ve succeeded, they must remember to set everything up or else it will not work.
Boomstick: But they’ve gotten pretty good at remembering especially after they were killed by evil robot versions of themselves built by a future dictator, were sent to hell, defeated and befriended the Grim Reaper, went to heaven, recruited aliens who built a good robotic Bill & Ted, and returned to the world of the living and successfully defeating both their evil robotic counterparts as well as the dictator who built them. Man, why the hell did we never get a third film until this year?!
Wiz: Eh, I’d say a combination of waiting for a pivotal moment that felt right for the two to come back, the unfortunate death of George Carlin in 2008, and figuring out a way to pay proper respect to the man.
Boomstick: Oh, that makes sense. Well, suffice it to say that Bill and Ted have accomplished amazing feats. They put on a Halloween Parody Show that lasted until 2017, temporarily gained God’s cosmic enlightenment, and even learned how to use their guitar playing to not only heal people who had been stunned, but also hard enough to stun enemies like robots!
(Music: Last Stand by Terry Devine-King from Feel Good Anthemic Rock 1644)
Wiz: Eventually, the two succeeded in bringing the world together through their music. Bringing an end to war, global warming, and other global problems.
Boomstick: Y’know Wiz, I’m surprised we never tried starting a band to do that. I mean, you could come up with an invention to make everyone nice to each other, right?
Wiz: Not exactly. We’d have to be good to do that.
Boomstick: What are you talking about?! I’m a great singer.
Boomstick gets out a guitar and takes a deep breath. As he sings, the guitar playing is all off as Wiz is forced to cover his ears.
Boomstick (Singing Off-Cue): OLD MCDONALD HAD A FARM…
Wiz: OKAY! STOP!
Boomstick: Aww…
Wiz: However, Bill and Ted are far from perfect. Obviously. Despite their skills they are still human. They can still eventually be killed if they’re not careful. And while they may have passed their history report, their interaction with Napoleon Bonaparte almost resulted in the French Conqueror nearly overtaking both Heaven and Hell.
Boomstick: Yeah, and when they tried to redeem their foe Chuck DeNomelos, they ended up creating a dark timeline where Chuck stole the Wyld Stallyn’s fame and then downright conquered Earth and took the Grim Reaper’s powers away!
Wiz: But despite the continued overwhelming odds, Bill and Ted have always triumphed in the face of everything that was thrown at them.
Boomstick: They even got hitched to two beautiful medieval princess babes! Guess it goes to show that the Wyld Stallyns truly are most excellent. Hey, how do they do that guitar thing?
Wiz: What guitar thing?
Boomstick: You know…
Boomstick does the air guitar and somehow it makes the guitar noises. Wiz rubs his chin and attempts it himself only for piano music to come out instead. He looks confused.
Wiz: I guess more research is required. Regardless, in spite of their failings, Bill and Ted will always continue to inspire people through their music and philosophy.
(TED: Bill, I think they want us to say something. BILL: What should I say? TED: Make something up. BILL: Be excellent to each other. TED: Party on, dudes.)
JAY & SILENT BOB[]
(Music: Blade by Bob Bradley from Tension, Urban Drama 1304)
Wiz: In the 1970’s two mothers from New Jersey would leave their infant babies outside a drug store. Little did they know these toddlers would become inseparable for the rest of their lives. This was Jay and Silent Bob.
([Jay and Silent Bob are seen in their superhero personas of Chronic and Bluntman on a movie set. The two look confused and unsure of what’s going on.] CHAKA LUTHER KING [Impatiently]: WHAT’RE WE WAITING FOR?! ACTION! JAY [Confused]: Uhhh… Snoochie Boochies?)
Boomstick: They… they’re not really all that special, are they? I mean, I enjoy getting my occasional legal marijuana now-and-then, but these guys really give us a bad name.
Wiz: Wait, ‘legal’ marijuana? I thought you purchased your stuff from a drug dealer in a seedy alleyway…
Boomstick (Interrupting Nervously): Ah-Ah-Ah! Wiz, not here! Anyways, despite their demeanor, they did win a lottery ticket of $10,000,000 and used it to become crimefighters. Stoned crime-fighters who ended up stumbling into problems and often caused the creation of their own supervillains, but still.
(Music: The Wall by Steve Dymond from Heavy Rock 1130)
Wiz: Okay, Jay and Silent Bob are a joke, but they’re not on the joke level of Dan Hibiki. They’ve still got a number of impressive skills such as being able to hang off of a drain pipe over a long fall down, and can beat up a number of mall security guards. Or in one case Mark Hamill Himself.
(A giant fist breaks through a wall which breaks away to reveal Mark Hamill with a spiky blonde wig and blue version of The Trickster’s costume from the 1990 Flash Live Action TV Show. The scene freeze-frames as subtitles appear reading ‘HEY KIDS! IT’S MARK HAMILL! APPLAUSE!’)
Boomstick: Yeah, or take of his arms with a Blunt Saber! It’s the deadly combination of a bong and a lightsaber! This weapon is easily able to function either purpose whenever the user wants. And you’d better believe it hurts just as hard.
([Jay is seen cutting off Mark Hamill/The Cock-Knocker’s hand off as the actor/former Jedi cries in pain. He then breaks the fourth wall looking out annoyed.] MARK HAMILL [Sighing]: Not again.)
Wiz: Other… questionable tools in Jay and Silent Bob’s arsenal include their own giant foam fist which punches things really hard, a baseball bat, a special knock-out gas in the form of weed called ‘Snoogins’ that seems to knock out only bad guys, a whip, kryptonite, a beer bottle, and a giant…condom.
Boomstick: We’re only scratching the surface here…
Wiz (Horrified): Boomstick!
Boomstick (Confused): What?! What did I say?!
Wiz (Annoyed): Sometimes I hate working with you. Continue.
Boomstick: Anyways, they also seem to take after Frank West since they have a special robot armor known as ‘Iron Bob!’
(Music: Rendezvous by David James from Soul, Funk, Hip Hop Grooves 1262)
Wiz: I think Marvel’s going to sue somebody.
Boomstick: As long as it’s not us, I’m cool. Anyways, The Iron Bob armor is something Tony Stark would make if he was into Cocaine and not alcohol. Which isn’t that far a stretch really. Get it? Because Robert Downey Jr. played him, he got into the whole trouble with cocaine…
Wiz (Annoyed): Just get to the point!
Boomstick: Fine! Anyways, The Iron Bob’s abilities include being bulletproof, and granting Silent Bob enough strength to send a man sailing back a few feet off the ground. Unfortunately, it is susceptible to ear-piercing sonic disruptor devices. But when Iron Bob isn’t enough, there’s also the Blunt Mobile! This is not only a cool motorcycle with a passenger car, but it’s also capable of turning into a flying jet resembling a marijuana leaf! In this form, the Blunt Mobile has machine guns and a robotic hook that is perfect for grabbing some parade balloons. Oh, and I guess it’s pretty good for crushing things in its grasp.
Wiz: With these little skills, Jay and Silent Bob have surprisingly accomplished much for a couple of stoners. They’ve managed to travel across America and back to New Jersey in one piece, stole a car and escaped from a group of Klansmen while dragging an outhouse that sprayed shit all over them, defeated Russia’s attempt to take over American pop-culture, and survived a fall from a skyscraper after landing on a robber and a police officer. Their antics even helped lead to the death of two fallen angels.
Boomstick: Played by everyone’s favorite acting duo of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Not to mention that in addition to defeating Mark Hamill, Jay and Silent Bob defeated a new version of Cock-Knocker who was apparently voiced by a chick that provided vocals for that one pony we once pitted against a magical girl that was voiced by the same actress. They’ve also stopped some other super-villains like Dick-Head… News Group… the Diddler… and… Lipstick… Lesbian… Wow! Jared Fogle was really subtle when he worked as a PR Representative before he became a Subway Spokesman!
Boomstick looks over at Wiz who is red in the face and seems to be on the verge of a mental breakdown.
Boomstick: You okay there, Wiz?
Wiz (Fuming): Fine.
Wiz takes a deep breath before continuing.
Wiz (Calming Down): However, in spite of this, Jay and Silent Bob’s continued survival against overwhelming odds really just boils down to dumb luck. Despite their ability to survive doing massive amounts of drugs, they are still human and can be put down just as easily.
Boomstick: But still, the two have lived a successful (if somewhat questionable) life. Jay even eventually got a daughter named Millennium Faulken! So after decades of wandering into adventure, Jay and Silent Bob decided it was best to settle down and get to know Jay’s daughter more. While doing more drugs. They like to do that.
(JAY: What are you trying to say? Just say it already. [Silent Bob grabs Jay by his shirt and gets in his face.] SILENT BOB [Screaming]: THE SIGN on the back of the car said ‘CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD!!!’ YOU DUMB FUCK!!! [Silent Bob releases Jay and begins walking ahead. Jay looks confused.] JAY: Say it, don’t spray it.)
DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It’s time for a DEATH BATTTTLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
PRE-FIGHT[]
Jay and Silent Bob are seen outside the Quick Stop loitering around as always. Jay is rapping while Silent Bob dances to Jay’s tune. The two are also enjoying a good joint roll.
JAY (Rapping): Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. Mother mother fuck…
As he continues, the clouds above Jay and Silent Bob start to form into an ‘O’ shape. Lightning begins to form in the center of the phenomenon which is naturally unnoticed by the two stoners. From out of the cloud falls Bill & Ted’s Phone Booth as the sound of the two Wyld Stallyns can be heard screaming in excitement. Silent Bob looks up and finally notices the falling booth. He grabs Jay and pulls him out of the impact zone, but the two stoners lose their rolls as a result. The phone booth lands on the rolls, crushing them completely.
JAY: What the fuck, man!?
The booth opens and Bill & Ted step out excitedly.
BILL: Ted, my most Stellar Friend, that was some most resplendent piloting of the phone booth!
TED: Why thank you, Bill!
The two look around and frown at their surroundings.
TED: Except I do not believe this is Orlando, Florida, nor do I believe it is anywhere between September 14th or November 3rd of 2018. I have a feeling we have made a most unfortunate wrong turn and have ended up at a Disney Theme Park instead of a Universal Theme Park.
BILL: This looks like a non-non-non-non-non stellar place, Ted. Where do you think we are, exactly?
JAY (O.S.): Yo, Assholes!
Bill and Ted spin around to see Jay and Silent Bob standing there and looking not so happy.
JAY: Who the fuck are you clowns?
Bill and Ted smile standing forward.
BILL: I am BILL S. PRESTON, ESQUIRE!
TED: AND I AM TED ‘THEODORE’ LOGAN!!!
BILL & TED: AND TOGETHER WE ARE… WYLD STALLYNS!!!
The Wyld Stallyns do their air guitar complete with the sounds.
TED: How’s it hanging, O’ Odious Smelling Couple?
JAY (To Silent Bob): You hear that, Silent Bob? They think we’re Chris Hemsworth’s father!
Silent Bob rolls his eyes annoyed.
JAY: Then yous two listen to me; I’m Jay and this guy here is my heterosexual life partner, Silent Bob. You two stupid mothefuckers crushed our weed and now you both gotta pay for our refill.
BILL: Sorry, dude. But Ted and I don’t really do drugs.
TED: Yeah, Drugs are for dummies.
JAY: The fuck you say?
BILL (Confused): Uhh…
JAY: Yo, drugs are our life, man! It’s how we get our busy bottoms and our logs in the air! Our phatties are the source of our motherfucking income, which we need to demonstrate to our customers.
TED (Confused): I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Speak English, dude!
JAY: I’m speaking the motherfucking Queen’s English, shit-for-brains!
TED (Excited): Queen?! EXCELLENT! Bill, Queen’s that band that does that Bohemian Rhapsody tune!
BILL: No way!
TED: Yes way!
(Music: Wyld Partner by Therewolf Media and Brandon Yates)
JAY: Alright, Silent Bob. These guys are playing us for fools. Let’s give them a beating so bad it’ll look like you after getting laid by your right hand.
Silent Bob frowns and gives Jay the finger.
FIGHT![]
BILL: Woah, my most strange friends! There’s no need for violence. All we need is to be excellent to each other.
TED: And party on, dudes. Also, remember what the dead rice guy in Spider-Man said; ‘With great power, the must come…’
Silent Bob takes a swinging punch at Ted who just manages to dodge. Meanwhile, Jay pulls out his double-blunt saber taking a hit while pointing at Bill.
BILL: Dude, I already told you; we’re not into that kind of thing!
Jay activated the double-bladed weapon and does a series of Darth Maul-styled sword gestures before making a Superhero Landing Pose and glaring at Bill.
BILL: Woah, that is some most impressive handiwork, my friend.
Jay runs at him as Bill darts away in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, Silent Bob has already drawn his own blunt saber and is swinging at Ted who manages to repeatedly dodge every swing by jumping and ducking around the beam. Silent Bob gets ready for another attack when Ted points up behind him.
TED: Look quiet-dude! It’s the Goodyear Blimp!
Silent Bob looks up confused not seeing anything. Meanwhile, Ted manages to Melvin Silent Bob who groans in pain as his eyes go wide. As a result, he drops his blunt saber which Ted then smashes with his foot. We cut back over to Bill who grabs his guitar out of the phone booth.
BILL: All right, you Jersey Boy. It’s time to face the music!
Bill plays a high note which manages to stun Jay. Bill then knocks Jay’s hat off and begins to noogie Jay’s head. Jay groans dropping the blunt saber which Bill also stomps, wrecking it. He then pushes Jay who falls back-to-back with Silent Bob.
JAY: Those mofos just wrecked our best weapons, Lunchbox. It looks like we’re going to have to pull out the Snoogins.
Silent Bob looks horrified as Jay looks back angrily.
JAY: I know, I know we’ve been saving that for a long time. I was planning on using it to get some chicks up in here with me, and you could get some of your friends in with you. But right now it seems like this is a fuckin matter of life-and-death. A fucking battle to the death. A death battle, if you will.
Jay and Silent Bob look out to the audience with a ‘we get the joke’ look. Bill and Ted just stare at them confused.
BILL: Weird dudes, Ted.
TED: I know, Bill. Totally unstable.
SILENT BOB: So stop being a little prissy bitch and let’s fuck these guys up!
Silent Bob nods defeatedly. The two look resilient as they hold up the Snoogins weed which glows with a golden aura.
TED: Dudes, for the last time. We don’t do drugs!
Jay and Silent Bob light up the Snoogins. The area around them fills with a green mist but it has no effect on Bill and Ted who look around confused. Jay and Silent Bob wait patiently.
JAY: Any second now those motherfucks are going to wind up asleep and that’s when we fuck ‘em up. Any second now.
Nothing happens.
JAY: Any second now…
BILL: Ted, what’s with the fully-transparent green mist?
TED: I don’t know, my most triumphant friend. Did Mr. Burns decide to dump his toxic waste here?
BILL: Perhaps this aytypical haze is a gas giant released by the weed these two guys were doing. Literally silent but deadly.
TED: Woah, your theory on gas giants is most deep, Bill.
JAY: What the FUCK is going on here?! You two pricks should be on the ground. We’re the good guys here!
BILL: Sorry, dudes! But we’re far from heinous dickweeds!
TED: Yeah. We are the future saviors of mankind and that means we are both most excellent and valor.
BILL: Not to mention well endowed.
TED: Uh, Bill. I think that means when you have a chubby.
BILL: Oh. At least it’s not an evil robot chubby though.
They both air guitar again.
JAY: These fucks are pissing me off, Silent Bob.
Jay pulls out a baseball bat and Silent Bob pulls out a whip.
JAY: What do you say we beat the shit out of them?
Silent Bob nods as they run at the Wyld Stallyns who run away from them.
TED: Bill, my most excellent friend, this is a truly non-non-non-non heinous undertaking we have found ourselves in.
BILL: Not to worry, Ted.
Bill produces a phone from his pocket and dials a number as they continue to run.
BILL: Fortunately, we know a guy.
The phone starts ringing with the ringtone being Walking on Sunshine by Katrina & The Waves. On the third ring, the person at the other end picks up.
DEATH (O.S.): This is The Grim Reaper, how may I help you?
BILL: Death, this is Bill S. Preston, Esquire!
TED: And this is Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan.
BILL & TED: And together, we are… WYLD STALLYNS!
The two do the air guitar once more only for Jay and Silent Bob to finally catch up with them. Bill dodges Silent Bob’s whip strikes as Jay tries to hit Ted with his bat.
BILL (While dodging): Listen, Death; we need you to come help us. We’re in New Jersey on August 21st, 2020. We’re fighting two egregious stoners who want to make us dead dudes. We could use the help if say you turned those dudes into dead dudes.
DEATH (O.S.): I’m sorry, boys. I’m in self-quarantine right now. You have nobody to blame but yourselves if things go wrong. I need time to de-stress myself and so I can’t be bothered with work today. I have this short time off before I go back to reaping. You’re on your own I’m afraid. Party on, dudes.
Death hangs up. We cut over to the Grim Reaper’s residence where we see Death playing a game of Yu-Gi-Oh by himself. Death has two placemats with various cards on each end of his long table. He puts down the phone and looks at his game.
DEATH: Now where were we? Ah, that’s right. I attack with Gemini Elf!
Death runs around his long table to the other side and flips over a card.
DEATH: Not so fast! I activate my trap card; Destruction Ring! I place this on my monster and now we both take 1,000 points of damage directly! Since my life points are at 2,000, I have 1,000 life points remaining. But because you only have 1,000 life points, yours are reduced to zero! HA! I’ve done it again! Thank god for the Japanese!
Back in the living world, Bill and Ted are once again running from Jay and Silent Bob, but it’s clear they’re getting tired.
BILL (Huffing): Ted, I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up…
TED (Huffing): I know, dude. But I got the idea to seal this.
Jay and Silent Bob finally catch back up looking at the cornered future saviors of humanity.
JAY: All right, dipshits! Time to wipe my balls in your face!
TED: Not quite, foul-mouthed dude! Because once we win this fight, we’ll go back in time and prepare a sticky trap for you.
Suddenly, the ground beneath Jay and Silent Bob opens up like a trap door revealing a combination of wet cement, glue, and chewing gum.
TED: Then, we’ll simply use the booth to travel to where you are now and land on you.
The sky changes again as another identical phone booth drops out from above, heading down to crush Jay and Silent Bob.
JAY: You listening to these fucks, Lunchbox? We can use that trick against them. Once we win, all we have to do is go back and undo this shit, then kill them.
Silent Bob tries miming something but Jay looks confused.
JAY: What is it, dude? Do you need to piss? You want to go to an all-you-can-eat buffet!
Silent Bob continues miming getting more and more pissed off as Jay repeatedly misinterprets him.
JAY: You want to score. You want to score with the ladies. C’mon, man. Just say what you fucking need to say!
Finally reaching his breaking point, Silent Bob grabs Jay by his collar and gets in his face.
SILENT BOB (Screaming): WE DON’T HAVE A TIME MACHINE!!! WE CAN’T UNDO THIS IF WE DON’T HAVE A TIME MACHINE, AND UNLESS YOU HAVE ONE ON YOUR PERSON NOW, WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING!!! YOU DUMB STUPID FUCK!!!!
Jay finally gets the problem and shrugs.
JAY: Oh.
They wave at Bill and Ted.
JAY: Well, catch you later, Bill and Ted.
BILL & TED: Catch you later, Jay and Silent Bob!
The newly-arrived phone booth lands on top of Jay and Silent Bob, crushing them into a bloody pulp. From within the phone booth, out jumps another Bill and Ted.
FUTURE BILL: Dudes! Your plan was most bodacious and triumphant!
FUTURE TED: Hey, Dudes! Can you tell what number we’re thinking of?
PAST BIL & TED AND FUTURE BILL & TED: 69, Dudes!
They all air guitar.
FUTURE BILL: But now it’s time for you to go back and set this up, otherwise it won’t work.
PAST TED: Right.
The two past Wyld Stallyns get back into their phone booth.
PAST BILL & TED: Catch you later, Bill & Ted!
FUTURE BILL & TED: Catch you later, Bill & Ted!
With that, the two past teens enter the phone booth and disappear.
TED: Bill, my friend?
BILL: Yes Ted, my friend?
TED: This has been a most bodacious atypical odyssey. But I think it’s time for us to go home to the Princess Babes as well as help out with Little Bill and Little Ted.
BILL: Right.
The two get into the phone booth and start dialing the number to go home.
BILL: By the way, Ted; did we ever check to make sure our little dudes were dudes?
TED: I dunno, Bill. Maybe we should check when we get back.
BILL: Yeah.
The booth disappears as the camera lingers for a few seconds on the crushed bloody remains of Jay and Silent Bob.
K.O.[]
ANNOUNCER: K.O.!
We see Bill and Ted return home to begin practicing jamming with Joanna and Elizabeth. Meanwhile in Hell, Jay and Silent Bob are seen hanging around the fiery pits of the underworld doing drugs as though nothing is wrong despite the fact that they now have devil horns, a point tail, and a pitchfork which they are using to hold and light their joints.
RESULTS[]
Boomstick: Well, that was unexpected.
Wiz: This was a surprising matchup. On initial glance, Jay & Silent Bob certainly had a deadly arsenal that would have made quick work of Bill & Ted.
Boomstick: But once you start looking closer, you realize that Bill & Ted had a lot of counters to pretty much everything that Jay & Silent Bob had to offer. For instance; remember the Snoogins knockout weed? That thing only worked on Bad Guys, and while Bill & Ted are two of the most inherently stupid people on the face of the planet, they’re still destined to save all of reality and unite the world. So that pretty much gave them literal shielding to the knockout drug.
Wiz: Besides that, Bill & Ted have clocked in at much faster speeds than Jay & Silent Bob. Not to mention their strength against the Liberty Bell was more powerful than even Iron Bob.
Boomstick: Say, why didn’t Iron Bob make an appearance?
Wiz: Mainly due to the fact that Jay only got it from Chronic Con, and really… nobody knows what happened to it after Jay & Silent Bob Reboot since Kevin Smith just got high and skipped to the ending without addressing what happened to Iron Bob after the fight.
Boomstick: Oh, that makes sense.
Wiz: Even if we included all equipment in a fight, Bill & Ted’s guitars were still capable of producing sonic attacks strong enough to stun robots. There is no reason their frequency could not penetrate Iron Bob’s defenses similar to how Shan Yu did in Jay and Silent Bob Reboot. Even then, the Wyld Stallyns still had the greatest ace in the hole that Jay & Silent Bob couldn’t match, let alone overcome; the time loop. Because they didn’t have their own time machine, Jay & Silent Bob couldn’t go back and prep like Bill & Ted could.
Boomstick: Once the Wyld Stallyns decided to make a time loop, it was pretty much game-over.
Wiz: Jay and Silent Bob have certainly had their own fair share of extraordinary journeys and mishaps, but they couldn’t measure up to Bill & Ted’s strength, speed, and time antics.
Boomstick: In the end, Bill & Ted flattened the competition.
Wiz: Ugh. The winners are Bill & Ted.
TRIVIA[]
The connection in this fight is that the combatants are a duo made up of two ordinary people that aren't geniuses who happen to partake in extraordinary adventures. They are also a pure product of their time (Bill & Ted representing the late 80’s/early 90’s, while Jay & Silent Bob represent the Mid 90’s/Early 2000’s.) Ironically, Kevin Smith previously admitted that without Bill & Ted, there would be no Jay and Silent Bob.
This battle was released on August 21st, 2020; the initial date that Bill & Ted Face The Music was intended to be released on before being pushed to a simultaneous theatrical and on-demand release date of August 28th due to the COVID-19 Pandemic. Interestingly, the digits of the date (08, 21, 20, and 20) add up to 69, Bill & Ted’s favorite number as mentioned in the first movie. The number itself is also referenced in the fight and the date that the fight takes place is the same as the day the fight was released.
Bill & Ted Face The Music is also referenced in the fight when Bill tells Jay that it is time to 'face the music.' Bill and Ted also mention how they are not sure if they're kids are girls or boys in reference to the fact that at the end of Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, their kids were introduced as 'Little Bill & Little Ted' but Face the Music's trailers have shown that they were actually girls. However, because Bill and Ted are not particularly smart, it is entirely possible that they never checked their children's genders.
The Soundtrack Title, Wyld Partner, is a reference to both teams. ‘Wyld’ refers to the Wyld Stallyns, while ‘Partner’ refers to how Jay introduces Silent Bob as his ‘Heterosexual Life Partner.’
The CAC was done by WBH-LM27. It features Bill & Ted's Phone Booth opening up to reveal lightning and marjuiana leaves and pot smoke pouring out from within. Also featured are two flyers for both Bluntman & Chronic and Wyld Stallyns.
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CAC by WBH-LM27
Boomstick continuously makes Wiz angry without realizing his double-meanings.
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Halloween Adventure is referenced during the analysis and the fight itself. The titular Halloween Adventure was a live-action stunt-and-musical-show that ran at Universal Studios Florida during the annual Halloween Horror Nights Event from 1992-2017 and at Universal Studios Hollywood from 1997-1999 before going on a hiatus and returning yearly from 2007-2013. The Hollywood show ended due to backlash of accusations that the show had become homophobic. Meanwhile, the Florida show continued until 2017 when it was decided that due to comedy become divisively subjective in the current world and feeling that the park could no longer continuously elevate and evolve with each year, that Bill & Ted would have their ‘Farewell Tour’ in 2017. In the fight, Ted mentions how their landing zone does not resemble Florida between September 14th and November 3rd of 2018, the dates that Halloween Horror Nights 2018 ran for which was the first time since Halloween Horror Nights’ first year that did not feature Bill & Ted’s Excellent Halloween Adventure. The Grim Reaper’s ringtone of Walking on Sunshine is also a reference to the 2017 Show whenever he got a call that would interrupt him during the show’s plot. It should also be noted that Jay and Silent Bob appeared in two different Bill and Ted’s Excellent Halloween Adventure Productions. The first was in 2001 where they were kidnapped by pop culture villains after being mistaken for Bill & Ted. The second time was in the 2006 show where they turned up for the final song and dance numbers.
Bill and Ted reference The Simpsons when they are unaffected by Jay and Silent Bob’s Snoogins, asking if Mr. Burns has been disposing his toxic waste dump in the area.
Bill calls Jay 'Jersey Boy' which is a reference to a film by Kevin Smith who created Jay & Silent Bob.
Wiz and Boomstick reference Tara Strong and bring up the Death Battle where they had Twilight Sparkle fight Raven (both characters were famously voiced by Tara Strong.)
The Grim Reaper appears making an excuse that due to COVID-19, he’s getting one day off and can’t be bothered to leave his place. In reality, he is playing against himself in the Yu-Gi-Oh trading card game. This is a reference to the Bill & Ted Comics made by both Marvel Comics and Boom! Studios which told their own individual continuation of what happened after Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. In said series, Death was seen practicing various games against himself in an attempt to defeat Bill & Ted after his multiple defeats in Bogus Journey.
As is common with Jay and Silent Bob’s appearances, Silent Bob only has one scene in which he speaks. The only exception is Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back in which he spoke two times; once when he got pissed at how stupid Jay was, and the other to get around a legal contract with a film studio which is making an adaptation of two characters that were based on Jay and Silent Bob; Bluntman and Chronic.