| Big Boss vs Blazkowicz | |
|---|---|
| Season unknown, Episode unknown | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | TBA |
| Written by | Stupidheadedmaggot |
| Directed by | ScrewAttack! |
Episode guide
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| Previous | Next |
| Unknown | Unknown |
Kept ya waiting, huh?
Big Boss vs Blazkowicz is a theoretical episode of Death Battle, featuring Big Boss from the Metal Gear series and William "BJ" Blazkowicz from the Wolfenstein series.
Description[]
Big Boss Vs Blazkowicz! Two of the world's best soldiers will bring the pain against each other!
Introduction[]
Wiz: Many roam the battlefield, hoping for travel, hoping for action, or sometimes both. But these two do it for no other reason than because they were made to.
Boomstick: Like Big Boss, History's Greatest Soldier from Metal Gear.
Wiz: And William "BJ" Blazkowicz, the Nazi killing Army Ranger from Wolfenstein.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Big Boss[]
Wiz: Before he was Big Boss, he was only known as John, and he was born in Arlington, Virginia. However, he was known professionally by the name Jack.
Boomstick: John's military service began in the 1950's in the Korean War, where he was an underling for a woman named The Boss, aka, The Mother of Modern Day Special Forces. And trust me, she's as every bit dangerous as she is sexy.
Wiz: In 1954, John was involved in the Bikini Atoll bomb test. After being exposed to the effects of the hydrogen bomb, he was rendered sterile and could not reproduce.
Boomstick: Which I guess isn't that bad considering his friends contracted radiation poisoning, leukemia, and thyroid cancer. Still, sucks he'll never know the pleasure of masturbation.
Wiz: I think that's the least of his worries, dude.
Boomstick: Doesn't matter.
WIZ: During his time as The Boss's student, John was taught everything he needed to know about being a good soldier, such as weaponry, combat, sneaking, survival, and multilingualism. In fact, he and The Boss are the inventors of CQC. After this, John and The Boss parted ways in 1959.
Boomstick: But they'd cross paths again in 1964, when The Boss revealed she was betraying America and joining the Soviets, later forming an elite group of super soldiers known as the Cobras. So John put their friendship behind him, adopted the callsign Naked Snake, and ended his lover's life.
Wiz: But it turns out it was all just a scheme she fabricated to prevent the world conflict from getting any worse, and you know what? It's not important right now. Once The Boss was dead, Naked Snake adopted the title Big Boss to signify that he was her successor. Big Boss became the figurehead of sneaking missions, always packing lightly for his ops.
Boomstick: Big Boss comes equipped with a Mark 22 Hush Puppy, a pistol that fires sleep darts and puts an enemy down fast. But he never leaves home without his trusted silenced M1911 and M16A1. And when he gets bored of riddling his enemies with bullets, Big Boss whips out his combat knife and stun rod.
Wiz: In addition to being able to use any gun he picks up, Big Boss is pound for pound the best hand to hand fighter there is thanks to his CQC. He can also use .30 cal machine guns, mortars, tanks, APCs, and even Walker Gears. He's even able to take perfect aim with a sniper rifle while wearing an eyepatch. To do this, he looks through the sights with his left eye. Either that or he's just really good at destroying logic.
Boomstick: Big Boss also appears to be superhuman to a certain extent. He can take down the genetically modified Cobras, who have superpowers, and is even strong enough to stop the fucking Cocoon and Basilisk AI weapons from crushing him! Holy shit!
Wiz: To put that in perspective, the Basilisk is 500 tons, and the Cocoon likely weighs the same, possibly some pounds more. So Big Boss is literally strong enough to hold up 500 African elephants. He also managed to outwrestle an assassin while he was still heavily bandaged. Oh and he woke fresh from a nine year coma too.
Boomstick: But Big Boss had a fetish for starting an army, and so he did! He and Kaz Miller created the mercenary group Soldiers Without Borders. With his new military, he not only has access to as many weapons as his imagination will allow him, but can call for emergency airdrops, airstrikes, and an attack chopper all with the help of his iDroid. Feeding him intel back home is Kaz himself, a womanizing fiddler who loves money, fame, girls, and killing people.
Wiz: As much of a one man army Big Boss is, he has his limits. He maybe incredibly strong, but if he takes enough lethal damage, he can be killed. And his soft body armor only offers him so much protection. He's also not very knowledgable on science and math, and often requires help from one of his comrades.
Boomstick: Either way, Big Boss is still history's greatest soldier, so grovel before him you peasants.
Kaz: The politically sensitive nature of the mission means you'll have to go solo.
Big Boss: Fine, I like some alone time now and then.
Blazkowicz[]
Wiz: William Joseph "BJ" Blazkowicz was born in Mesquite, Texas on August 15, 1911.
Boomstick: Sweet mother of fuck he's an old geezer.
Wiz: A decorated warfighter, Blazkowicz first got his kicks in an organization known as the OSA, a joint task force between America and Britain to help take down terror threats like the Nazis. He embarked on 14 missions for the OSA before joining the US Army. During his service in World War 2, he accomplished many things, like killing Hitler who was piloting a giant mech suit.
Boomstick: He also got married to a woman named Julia and had 2 kids, Arthur and Billy. Sadly, they were not as badass as their old man. But that's fine cuz not only is that non-canon, but Blazkowicz is all the manliness he needs to be.
Wiz: Things took a turn for the worse when the second World War was coming to a close as the Nazis brought out robotic dogs and enhanced super soldiers to take on the allies. While he and his troop fought valiantly to take them down, they were eventually captured by Deathshead, who promptly ordered their executions. Luckily, he and another soldier made it out in time, with Blazkowicz having a metal shard lodged in his skull.
Boomstick: When Blazko came out of his catatonic state in 1960, he swore to save the world, which had been conquered by the Nazis. And he outfitted himself with the best weapons he could. He carries an advanced assault rifle, a burst-fire pistol, a marksman rifle with a laser function, and can dual wield shotguns. But my favorite weapon of his is the Lazerkraftwerk, a highly powerful industrial tool made to pierce through metal. It also makes normal enemies blow up!
Wiz: Adding on to that, Blazkowicz is also pretty stealth and is a pro with a knife. He's also very headstrong, fighting groups of Nazis with just a crowbar. His physical strength is also a force to be reckoned with, as he was able to stop a giant robot dog from biting him apart and can wield a machine gun used by the super soldiers. His assault rifle also comes with an under barrel rocket launcher, perfect for taking on the armored enemies he faces.
Boomstick: He's traveled to the moon and destroyed the Nazi lunar base, and instead of landing safely back on Earth, he crashed straight into the London Nautical. AND SURVIVED WITHOUT ANY NOTICEABLE INJURIES.
Wiz: Yeah, Blazkowicz can take as much punishment as he can dish out, and then some. He pretty much willed himself back into full competence just to kill a Nazi while in his catatonic state. He also managed to stay conscious while injected with in quotes, enough sedatives to knock out an elephant. That amount of sedatives would likely kill an average person. Blazkowicz lasted for what seemed hours.
Boomstick: Granted both times he was also highly determined to save his girlfriend, but willpower or not, Blazko would've been fine anyway.
Wiz: Blazkowicz isn't invincible though. He doesn't pack a lot of armor, so it's not a smart idea of his to run into firefights willy nilly lest he be riddled with bullets. He also runs on pure adrenaline, giving him a tactical disadvantage. However, due to his tenacity and brute strength, there's a good reason why the Americans always trusted him to save the world.
Blazkowicz: Knife's out, time to die.
Pre-battle[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set. It's time to end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!
Battle[]
Big Boss is out on Zanzibar Land, sporting his leather jacket outfit from 1984. He is enjoying a cigar during the sunset when Blazkowicz approaches.
Blazkowicz: *aiming his assault rifle at Big Boss* Hey you. You by any chance would be Big Boss right?
Big Boss: That's correct, and you are?
Blazkowicz: The name's Blazkowicz. I'm here to take you out sir.
Big Boss: *draws an M16 from his hip* Is that right?
Blazkowicz: You got any last words Cyclops?
Big Boss: Ah you're a funny guy. Bet that joke took a lot of thought.
Blazkowicz: Just wanted you to laugh before you die my friend.
Big Boss: Hate to tell you this soldier, but I won't be the one dying today.
FIGHT!
Both soldiers open fire on each other. Blazkowicz manages to hit Big Boss on the chest, but Boss's soft body armor protected him. Big Boss returns fire and hits Blazkowicz's arm. Blazkowicz reloads his rifle and continues his assault as Big Boss makes a dodge behind new cover. They drop their rifles and switch to their pistols and resume shooting. They get close to each other and it becomes a hand to hand fight. Big Boss hits Blazkowicz with an aggressive volley of punches and kicks, however Blazkowicz ends up getting the upper hand and punches Big Boss hard and throws him onto the ground. Big Boss kicks Blazkowicz to the ground and punches him while he's down. Blazkowicz reverses a punch and gets back up. Blazkowicz tosses Big Boss over a guard rail and they land on a lower level of the facility.
Big Boss: I gotta say, you're not half bad. Which is why I gotta finish you quickly.
Big Boss once again takes shots with his pistol and lands one on Blazkowicz's abdomen. Blazkowicz powers through it, disarms Big Boss, pistol whips him, and slams his face onto a nearby power block. Blazkowicz tends to his wound quickly while Big Boss recovers. Big Boss then delivers a swift kick to Blazkowicz's head, and starts using CQC throws on him. Blazkowicz then pulls out a shotgun and sprays. Big Boss manages to dodge each shot. Big Boss gets behind a wall and calls for an artillery strike. The strike commences and Blazkowicz is knocked about as he runs behind cover too. Big Boss climbs back to higher ground and Blazkowicz follows with his marksman rifle equipped. Big Boss then leaves a sleep mine behind for Blazkowicz to trigger, which he does. Blazkowicz is undeterred, so Boss throws a sleep grenade for good measure, and the grenade weakens Blazkowicz, who is still taking aim. Blazkowicz throws a frag grenade at Big Boss's cover, and he seemingly comes out significantly injured. Blazkowicz shoots him 3 times, and walks up to the body to confirm his kill. However, it seems that Blazkowicz actually killed a body double of Big Boss, and the real Big Boss runs up and performs a CQC throw on Blazkowicz. Blazkowicz gets back up, lifts Boss by his legs, and rams him into a wall and throws him down. Blazkowicz pulls out a knife.
Blazkowicz: Enough of this game. I'm gonna rip you to shreds fella.
Big Boss: *pulls out his knife too* Bring it punk.
They begin slashing at each other with Big Boss getting in most of the hits. Blazkowicz then takes a deadly stab at Big Boss's leg, and continues cutting him in different areas. Blazkowicz has Big Boss rested on a guard rail, ready to give the killing blow.
Blazkowicz: Goodbye, Big Boss.
Big Boss then catches Blazkowicz's hand, grabs him by the hip, and throws him over the guard rail. Blazkowicz hits the ground, struggles to get up as Big Boss looks down at him, holding a detonator. Blazkowicz looks at his hip to see that Boss stuck a C4 charge to him.
Blazkowicz: Ah shit.
Big Boss detonates the charge. Blazkowicz explodes and his head flies up and lands near Boss. Boss picks it up, says "Huh, neat" and walks away, juggling Blazkowicz's head.
K.O.!
Conclusion[]
Boomstick: That's gonna look good in his study.
Wiz: Both soldiers gave it their all. Blazkowicz may have had the upper hand in brute strength, but Big Boss was the better fighter in all other aspects because of his extensive experience on the battlefield and his training from The Boss.
Boomstick: Big Boss also had a solid idea, pun slightly intended, of the attacks Blazkowicz was gonna use, considering that he's faced Army Rangers like Blazko before.
Wiz: To add onto Big Boss's advantage, when Blazkowicz forced himself back into physical consciousness, he still felt disoriented despite powering through and fighting the Nazis in the ward he was in. Big Boss woke up from a 9 year coma and was still in good enough shape to fight and fend off a young assassin. Big Boss had no idea what was happening for 9 years. Blazkowicz still saw and understood his immediate surroundings, but just couldn't react properly.
Boomstick: What didn't help Blazko's case even more was that he has a one track mind that only wants to kill Nazis, meaning Big Boss didn't need to try too hard to weasel his way to victory.
Wiz: Even if Blazkowicz wasn't hell bent on killing Nazis and nothing else, Big Boss would still win thanks to his combat expertise and proficiency in CQC.
Boomstick: Blazkowicz tried as hard as he could. But this battle really made him lose his head.
Wiz: The winner is Big Boss.
Trivia[]
- The similarities between Big Boss and Blazkowicz is that they are both well respected soldiers who had their careers cut short because of clinical incapacitation.