Description[]
is The ghost with The Most not someone you want to win a death battle? We gave the ghostbusters a call, they’re ready to defeat him!
Intro[]
Wiz: Beetlejuice - The Ghost with the most!
Boomstick: And The Ghostbusters, the hilarious haunter hunters!
Wiz: Spirits have been rumoured to haunt houses and petrify people since the dawn of man, and since, many have taken turns to defend us from them.
Y Boomstick: And today - The biggest ghost in pop culture clashes with the greatest ghoul grabbers ever made. He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick.
Wiz: And it’s our jobs to analyse their weapons, armour and skills to find out who would win a death battle.
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice![]
Beetlejuice
Wiz: Barbra and Adam Maitland recently joined in marriage, bought a beautiful house and were very happy with their lives.
Boomstick: And if we start an analysis with that - You know that’s about to change.
*Car Crash noise*
Boomstick: Oh… that’s… QUITE the change.
Wiz: Not as much as you’d expect. While now spirits and confined to their home - The two were practically the same just with more malleable bodies.
Boomstick: Ghosts are able to pluck out their own eyes then plop them back in. They can pull and shape their flesh into all kinds of fucked up images while also being able to have at least some minor control of reality such as being able to make people dance and turn shrimp into clawed hands.
Wiz: However, that wasn’t enough to rid themselves of the cockroaches that moved in after their passing. The Deetzes were determined to make a quick buck off the town and shockingly interactive to the couples efforts to rid themselves of them. Only Lydia Deetz could see them thanks to her reading of the Handbook for the Recently Deceased - that can give us some guidance into how the dead exist.
Boomstick: Like my due alimony payments, most people subconsciously just ignore the strange and unnatural - probably because it’s not marketable. Capitalism!
Wiz: it also explains that the perimeters of how ghosts function do vary from person to person. The limits are based on how they lived and died. And one demon lives on unlimited.
Boomstick: He’s the host with the most! He survived through the plague and found it fun! He’s seen the exorcist 160 times and it gets funnier every single time he sees it! He’s Beetlejuice.
Wiz: Now don’t get it twisted, while you have to say his name three times to truly let him off the leash - you don’t have to say only his name three times in a row. Simply stinging it three times over the course of some sentences will free him.
Boomstick: Even then, Beetlejuice has a stake in reality. He can create things from thin air- even living creatures like this beetle or these zombie strippers, presumably. He essentially took control of this entire model by himself and made it shape to his whim, being able to bring people to it. Even before he’s allowed to go Beetlejuice mode - He’s pretty powerful.
Beetlejuice: I gotta say, I’m really happy you just said that.
Boomstick: Oh, what the hell - not another one.
Beetlejuice: Come on toots, you rung - I answered. Now, was this a booty call or what?
Wiz: Once his name is uttered three times - Beetlejuice’s true powers are unleashed and-
Beetlejuice: And the juice is loose! I can shift my shape, I can pull living things out of anywhere - even something as inanimate as Boomstick’s mother in bed.
Boomstick - Hey, Fuck off!
Beetlejuice: Don’t hate me just I can fly, stop time and graduated Harvard you broke bitch redneck!
Boomstick: I’ve got a degree in poultry science - I bet you flunked you dumbass ghost bastard- Wiz get this fucker outta here!
Wiz: I will, we just have to get to the part where it’s relevant.
Boomstick groans
Wiz: When he’s truly let free - He’s hard to truly beat Hand to hand. He can freeze you clean in time, he can mold his body anyway he wants, he can shoot out spikes, fly, his head can move at incredibly high speeds - doing a full lap nearly every 25 nanoseconds. He was able to trap a full church of forty people within their phones fairly easily!
Boomstick: He can survive burning, squashing, electricity, being crumpled and a good beating without any pain. He even took a collision with this sand worm that broke him through clear oak floors. Assuming that’s Red oak - he took a force of 6,760 pressure per square inch… let’s see how he handles bullets.
Beetlejuice: Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho. I see what your putting down Limpdick
BS: It’s Boomstick
Beetlejuice: I don’t mind a little warm up before the main show. Let’s see if you can handle -
Wiz: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Oh fuck off-
*He disappears*
Wiz: For as powerful as he is when his name is said three times, say it six and he’s back at square one. And it’s easy to catch him by surprise as Barbara did while he was preoccupied being a nuisance. And the only way to have full control over his powers is through marrying someone from the living.
Boomstick: lucky for us - no one’s going near that with a fifty foot pole
Wiz: let’s hope you’re right. For if that’s him when restricted… god help us when he’s fully free.
Beetlejuice: It’s Showtime!
Who you gonna call? The Ghostbusters[]
Wiz: Near the end of 84 - Peter Venkman was smart and admittedly funny asshole running faux experiments in a way of scoring with women, perverting the nature of experimentation in the vain of being a pervert.
Boomstick: That’s when his much cooler fried - Ray - barged in to do something no one had done before. Have a trip to the library that helped someone in any matter.
Wiz: There alongside, my childhood hero - Egon Spengler - They uncovered that ghosts… were real!
Boomstick: And the college board did not give a fuck. That’s why they lost their jobs.
Wiz: Despite that - the trio continued forward in life. With nothing but hope, willpower and mortgaging their friends house - The Ghostbusters were formed!
Boomstick: And Winston replied to the ad. He’s just like me for real, Wiz.
Wiz: Sure. Using the funding provided by that useful mortgage - Egon developed a handsome little ghost trap. With a press of the pedal-
Boomstick: More of a stomp
Wiz: A vortex will open that will suck the spectre into it where it will remain captured. From there, it will be uploaded into the grid that holds them indefinitely and spacial infinitely. Now most spirits can pass through anything in front of them - it seems aluminum is the exception. Now - The Staypuft Marshmallow man was confirmed as capturable - meaning it can hold spectres up to 112.5 feet and 3.87 million pounds. Especially with the Megatrap built to capture these large monsters.
Boomstick: Even then they’re able to capture quite a lot of spirits in one trap alone. In issue 11 of the comics - at least 22 ghosts are haunting roswell, with all being captured by only two regular traps. That’s eleven ghosts per trap. And at Egon’s farmhouse - he’s got 39 at least
Wiz: That can nab you 429 ghosts and there is likely more traps down there. Not to mention you can take to the skies with the remote controlled drone trap - allowing you to actively cause down a run away ghost with your trap.
Boomstick: Now what kinda superheros don’t have their own mobile? The Ecto-1 is a sleek stylish ride made from a 1959 Cadillac Miller-Meteor. Its top speed is 130 miles per hour with horsepower in the three hundreds. And, get some traps in here and you’ve got yourself an actual trap. They were able to capture around 17 ghosts from three different eras of the American army.
Wiz: Now while the vortex has its own solid tug - a few ghosts need a little more convincing.
Boomstick:That’s when these bad boys come out to play. They’re ghost guns that shoot energy lassos
Wiz: Well in actuality they’re miniaturised mobile particle accelerators… and they shoot out beams of high energy protons.
Boomstick: Don’t care - they’re cool and can saw straight through stone with no issue. And The Busters are some sharp shooters. In issue 9 of the IDW comics - Ray manages to snatch General Anthony Wayne as he attempts to race away on horseback. This is likely a Morgan which can reach speeds up to 20 miles per hour. And all four can scale to one another at that level of speed.
Wiz: Not to mention, they have ghost grenades that can blow holes in solid ghost brick that are about five feet tall.
Wiz: In terms of actually physicality and durability - they’re not much. They’re human. Regular people. Often requiring them to rely on their smarts and tech.
Good thing they have plenty - All four are college graduates, most in science and Winston in History.
Boomstick: They’ve battle ancient threats from the dawn of creation like Garraka The Herald of Frost, Viggo The Carpathian, and Gozer The Gozerian. They may not be a god. But they are The Ghostbusters. Good enough, I’d say.
Venkman: Suck in those guts fellas, we’re the Ghostbusters.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set - and we’ve run this battle through all possibilities!
Boomstick: It’s time… for a DEATH BATTLE!
Fight[]
The Wallace hotel, the finest hotel or at the very least - the first five star hotel in New York that popped up when I searched it.
Crowds were swarming it - but not enter the establishment. Rather to cover the level ten spectral entity that had been summoned. That had Ray Stantz giddy with excitement as he exited the car, the Ecto-1. He barely paid the press any mind who were clamouring for comments from The Ghostbusters. Winston Zeddemore politely smiled and nodded, as above all he wanted to help, and getting solid photos and videos of the ghostbusters would likely help them out. It was also just nice to be nice. It was the kind thing to do. Egon Spengler, in a similar sense to Ray, was more focused on the PKE meter which showcased an unprecedented levels of energy. There was more of an interest and slight fear in him rather than the pure childlike excitement within Ray. Meanwhile Peter Venkman, lavished the attention - gesturing and waving like a Roman emperor - a massive grin upon his face. Draped in beige uniforms, name tags in full display, logos stuck upon their shoulders and proton backs attached - They were The Ghostbusters!
They were the best we got.
The owner, wearing complete worry upon his face, rushed towards the group. “Your them right?”
While Egon and Ray walked past them, his words passing them by - Winston gave a polite nod, while Venkman slyly pointed to the logo on his arm.
“It was just an average dinner, but all of a sudden - green smoke filled the room, the tables and chairs took to the air and there was this creepy, chalk white freak!”
“Has anyone been harmed?” Winston asked
“Well, we threw our security team at them and they just got tossed into the air!”
“Yeah, that’s pretty standard procedure for ghosts-”
“The problem is that they haven’t come down.”
“Ha! What, Are they stuck in space?” Venkman quipped
There’s a slight pause.
“A…Are they stuck in space!?” He stammers
“Alright, he’s in… there.” The owner sheepishly says.”
“Alright, thank you sir. Are we ready?” Ray asks the others
“Ready!” They all shout in unison
“Right then. Let’s show this crooked bitch how we do things down town!” Ray ordered and With a dramatic push - the doors swung open. They stepped in.
High in the air - amongst all the floating tables and chairs was a man. More than a man. Or less then a man to some. He had a receding hairline with frazzled green hair - chalky white skin, that was cracked with green flesh underneath and yellow crooked teeth. He was Beetlejuice and hoping for the guards to fall down. Just to hear them splat. But with a sudden creak of the doors - he snapped his neck in a 360 degree angle. And just as quickly a crooked smile spreads across his face. As his body snaps all the way around he lets out a grating “Well , if ain’t the nut busters!”
With a wave of his hand he turned the chairs and tables to face them all. “It’s showtime!”
FIGHT!
Every chair and table that floated high begins firing extremely fast towards the ghostbusters who unload their lasers upon the fast items. The Busters hold an advantage - mowing through all their weapons before aiming at The Ghost. But before their string like streams could touch him - a snap of his fingers spawned their signature ride in front of him forming a shield as the streamers dented and scratched the car. “Aw damn, our ride!” Venkman lamented.
“Say! Nice fucking model!” Beetlejuice says mischievously, a clear other intention hidden behind him. With a crooked grin, he said “In fact, she’s so nice that if I can’t have her… no one can!” Before throwing the car forward. It bounced as hit hit the floor - and a nearly took Peter’s head clean off of not for Winston sticking his own neck out to stop this. Letting out another cackle - he snapped his finger again.
Peter pushes Winston off off him and stands up again only to get bodied by a very large stag beetle. Peter screams out as the insects pincers snapped inches away from his skin. Winston reacts sharply firing a laser directly into the bug. Its flesh began to bubble as it let out a demonic screech. Before long, it combusted into green goop and completely covered Venkman. He uses both hands to wipe it away from his eyes before standing up furiously.
“Why… is it ALWAYS ME!?”
“Guys! Guy!” Ray called out, as Beetlejuice grabbed his hand and began dancing with him in a fashion similar to The Toymaker did with Kate Stewart in The Toymaker. That’s the best I can describe it. Fuck you.
“Don’t worry Ray - this’ll catch him once it HITS!” He said, getting louder once he threw it. Suddenly, The ghost with The Most spun Ray away and caught it in his right hand. With a cocky nonchalance tossed the sphere in the air and caught it telekinetically. He caused it to glow with a green aura as he started applying pressure to it. “Nice try, Dickless. But I’m! A All! Seeing! God!” He had heard that line in a movie or something. But while he was focusing on his assumed victory - he was struck with a thought. If it was supposed to go off when he touched it, why didn’t it combust when he caught-
KABOOM!
Beetlejuice was sent flying through the air before slamming into a wall. He bit his tongue when his head connected and he was dazed beyond belief. He took to the skies anticipating the busters would start blasting away but it was like he was drunk. In a moment of desperation, like an animal in a trap - he actually had a genius plan. In a spin, he shifted into his snake form and wrapped around the one who often took charge. He didn’t know any of their names but he wrapped around Ray Stantz.
Peter stared. He was the one who acted like he didn’t care. He was the one who pretended. The one who hid behind a wall of sarcasm and non chelance. But now he had to swallow a gulp to hide it. Winston on the other hand showed his bleeding heart upon his wrist, dropping his blaster and holding his hands up like he was being held at gunpoint. Beetlejuice turned his head to Venkman. A crooked smile held proudly on his lips. Sweat still beat down his head. His heart still beat fast. His legs still kinda shook. But he was in charge. “Your turn, gutbuster!”
With a tranquil fury, and venom with each word. “We’re very much equal right now, hairline. I drop this I leave Ray’s life in your hands. With it - we’re playing tug of war with it, mother fucker.” Beetlejuice’s smile drooped, his heart whirred with anger. His fists whirred with rage. He whirred. Wait. Something else was whirring. Egon had been clever. Using the remote control from his pocket - he had flown the drone trap out of the open window. He had opened the vortex with a traction upon Beetlejuice’s tail and had circled around him. He was untangling him from Ray and capturing him at the same time. In a frantic display, Beetlejuice reformed to his human shape and tossed Ray towards the trap.
He slammed into it and dragged the trap down, receiving some vicious cuts towards his elbows as they collided with the fan’s sharp blades. He spawned orange juice above the other twos heads. A swindling, stinging storm of citrus flooded their eyes - They could only scratch and scrape at them in an effort to resolve the pain. Egon fumbled around trying to pull out his streams only for Beetlejuice to punch him in the gut.
Blood started to trickle as Beetlejuice slashed the spike emerging form his fist upwards, cutting him hard. Egon stumbled backwards, the pack breaking his fall but the spectre caught him pretty badly. Beetlejuice slyly smirked as he stared Egon down.
A scream of rage roared out around the venue as Venkman charged forward - he punched Beetlejuice across the face. With a flick of his index finger he went careening into the previously discarded Ecto-1. Winston aimed his laser, but with a tug of his index finger - he was pulled onto his back and slammed into the Ecto-1, similarly - smashing into the roof of the car. Muttering under his breath, Beetlejuice began to levitate with rage. Reality began to distorted as his anger grew - he pointed an index finger glowing with green energy.
Suddenly, from behind, a lasso of laser wrapped around him tightly like a garrotte wire. It dug and sawed into him forcing out a pained roar of anger. He slightly turned his head, his face contorted into anger as he stared Ray down. Using his powers - the table flipped up onto its side and moved forward - using its legs to wrap around Ray and trap him within it. With another pulling motion - the table trap slid across the floor. Beetlejuice rested his arm upon the trap. “Gotcha front row seats! What kinda friend am I?” Beetlejuice asked Ray as he aimed his blast towards his friends.
“Aw come on! Venkman yelled. What kind of god shoots its supposed lessers from a distance? What’s the point of being god if you rely on some magic bullshit and can’t just use a bit of actual power. Makes me wonder… are you a god?”
Beetlejuice grimaced at Venkman’s mockery. He slowly began floating towards him. “You know, doc? Once you’re out of the waiting room - you and me could be great friends! We’re both perfect scammers! You have this whole hero routine - the lie that you can save the world…
He got on one knee and truly stared right in him.
Even when faced with its god!”
“Yeah well… that word doesn’t mean much to men of science like us… right Winston?”
Beetlejuice’s head snapped up to the window. Suddenly - The Megatrap was tossed out. And with a pattenpending “Your toast, ghost!” from Winston and a stomp on the pedal - it opened up. The vortex was powerful and eternal - it gripped the back of him and slowly started pulling him closer and closer into the heart of the void. But he almost… got… away-
A bolt of laser wrapped around his throat. He turned as much as he could to see, from far away, Egon stood proud - holding his gun as his wounds bled. With a little pull he was yanked into the Centere and it consumed him with one final scream of “Noooooo!”
K.O
All four were bruised. All four were beaten. But at the end of the day - they had came and saw and kicked his ass
Conclusion[]
Boomstick: Aw man, why the fuck is he still alive! And also… how did he lose in the first place? I thought it was pretty clear cut. Four forty year old men versus trickster demon god asshole.
Wiz: I see why you’d think that and at first it appears Beetlejuice would hold a solid advantage. But believe it or not, The ghostbusters actually held the winning hand.
Boomstick: BJ was certainly more durable - Being able to take all sorts of abuse. However - The Ghostbuster’s streams, when crossed, can generate an explosion that completely explodes a being that’s over a hundred and twenty one feet tall. That’s way more powerful than anything the sloppy BJ has taken.
Wiz: But that wouldn’t kill the ghost with the most. He would just get back sent to the waiting room, like what happened after the sand work leaped into him. However, the trap could and would permanently keep him contained. Remember Garakka, the herald of the second ice age? He managed to freeze the entirety of New York - which is about 496 square miles. That is far greater than anything Beetlejuice has ever done. The streams were also able to hold him so it was only a matter of getting him.
Boomstick: Which they definitely did, Ray was able to tag a guy upon a horse going at 30 miles per hour, and the Ecto-1 has horsepowers in the 300’s. We’re also pretty sure he’s bound to the house he was summoned in so it’s a pretty easy capture. Not to mention their intelligence, as all four our professional scientists and collage graduates. But couldn’t he just posses all four?
Wiz: it’s very much implied he can only possess one person at a time - but even then, the ghostbusters have experience getting out of that bind.’ They have tech which they used on each other in the video game to free each other when taken over. Plus in issue 7 of the IDW comics - A spirit takes hold of Peter, but can’t fully take him as he has no fear due to continued re experience with spirits. So they can pretty easily resist him.
Boomstick: But what about his reality Warping? Surley that’s what gives him the win right? Well it’s his strongest card but it’s not the win or loss breaker - he’s unlikely to go straight for the kill as he’s the type of guy to play with his food - giving him ample time to capture the ghost with the most. But I don’t know, Wiz. It feels like The reality warping should just own them right?
Wiz: if it makes you feel more comfortable, at the universal stage show, they do actually trap him. And if you feel cheated at him only being trapped over actually dying - don’t worry.
*Wiz whips out the ghost trap*
He’s gonna wish he had died aswell.
Boomstick: Where did you-
Beetlejuice *in the trap*: HELP ME! PLEASE SAVE ME! YOU CANT LEAVE ME WITH THIS MAN, I’LL DO ANYTHING- wait! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO
*Wiz puts the trap away*
Boomstick: Look - I don’t like the guy… like at all! But don’t ya think that-
Beetlejuice: He tried to marry a sixteen year old.
Boomstick: Oh nevermind - give him hell buddy. It seems his plans went bust and Beetlejuice… became beaten juice
Wiz: The winners are The Ghostbusters!