Beetlejuice vs. Bill Cipher

DESCRIPTION[]

Insanity has it's many personas. But the best ones of all are the ones who like to dress in 50's attire, play cruel and unpracticle jokes and are played by people named Alex.

Hi everyone, just wanted to let you know that Wizard and Boomstick are not in this battle, due to them going on vacation. So for this battle I've found two of the best replacements I could find: Dr. Grean (Pronounced Green) the second best scientist I know, and Spitweasel, the living imbodiment of all annoying rednecks from Stephen King movies. Enjoy!

INTRO[]

Dr. Grean: We've all hit some kind of... weird point in our lives. But there is a time when we just dive right into the deepest pits of insanity, whether we are alive or dead.

Spitweasel: But damned if you'd be some kind of dead asshole who just enjoys chaos, weird animation, complete control of the multiverse, psychotic laughter and... being an asshole.

Dr. Grean: Such as Bill Cipher, the living symbol of destruction and weirdness of Gravity Falls.

Spitweasel: And Beetleguese, the dastardly demon of pure untamed Tim Burton style batshit.

Dr. Grean: I'm Dr. Grean and this is Spitweasel.

Spitweasel: And we've gotta find out who has the tougher armor, better skills and more badass weapons in this episode of DEATH BATTLE!!

DEATH BATTLE SPEAKS BEETLEJUICE'S NAME[]

Dr. Grean: In 1988, world famous director Tim Burton made a movie about ghosts and the afterlife, in a comedic fashion.

Spitweasel: It's kind of funny. Cause about four years later, the movie Cool World did try to copy that, but failed cause they changed the damn script. I honestly would kill for both films remade with their original scripts in mind.

Dr. Grean: You're... beginning to scare me.

Spitweasel: Why does everybody say that?

Dr. Grean: Anyway, thanks to the film's success, the main character of the film became one the most iconic charcters in cinema history, known only as Beetlejuice.

Spitweasel: Does he have some backstory?

Dr. Grean: No, but they do hint at some things such as him surviving the Black Plague, attended Juliard, graduated Harvard business school--

Spitweasel: Watched The Exorcist ONE HUNDRED SIXTY SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER, EVERY SINGLE HE'S SEEN IT. NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT HE'S A DEAD GUY... Where was I going with this?

Dr. Grean: I have no idea, but I'm so glad I didn't pepper spray you. Anyway, Beetlejuice to me is a very unique combatant because of his rather bizzare nature.

Spitweasel: So, he could be in a Jojo episode? Where's that battle?

Dr. Grean: Later most likely when Wiz and Boomstick take over in November. However, Beetlejuice's power is facinating even though he's dead.

Spitweasel: Like possession and walking through walls right?

Dr. Grean: I don't know about walking through walls, but possession is one of his powers. Interestingly he can even possess other ghosts!

Spitweasel: How the fuck does that work?

Dr. Grean: Being dead gives you powers, I guess.

DeathBattleMike

Spitweasel: Well shit, might as well try. (Points a gun at her head.) Ow! GODDAMN THIS METAL PLATE IN MY HEAD!!!

Dr. Grean (Covering his ears): Oh my, that was loud.

Spitweasel: WHAT?

Dr. Grean: Anyway, Beetlejuice's supernatural powers are a very interesting bunch:

Shapeshifting,
Creating any object in existance,
Invulnerability,
Teleportation,
Flight
And Reality Warping.

Spitweasel: Don't forget Doomie, his Dragster of Doom. This car is kind of weird, but kind of badass.

Dr. Grean: But we are just counting his powers, not his car.

Spitweasel: Well, that's just shitty.

Dr. Grean: I call it fair.

Spitweasel: I call it bullshit. Or Toon Force.

Dr. Grean: He doesn't have Toon Force. He's a ghost, not a cartoon character.

Spitweasel: I beg to differ.

Dr. Grean: I figured you would. But answer me this: What Toon Force user has their own name as a weakness?

Spitweasel: How is his name a weakness?

Dr. Grean: If you say his name three times out loud in a row, he will come to earth and if you say it three times again, he will return to the afterlife.

Spitweasel: Really?

Dr. Grean: He's also scared of Sandworms.

Spitweasel: Yeah, understandable.

Dr. Grean: What do you mean?

Spitweasel: Those fuckers are freaky as goddamn hell.

Dr. Grean: So wait, you're scared of giant cartoon worms from a planet you've never been to?

Spitweasel: Yeah.

Dr. Grean: Let's talk about his feats. Beetlejuice's abilities have allowed him to do the following:

Defeated a giant Sandworm to save his father,
Defeated a group of witches who are as powerful as he is,
Carried a Hair Salon sized monster,
Broke through stone walls effortlessly,
Used a restaurant as a parachute,
Defeated a scorpion made from an actual constellation,
Swam from the bottom of the ocean to Florida in five seconds,
Dodged lasers,
just while running, ran to his house, to the North Pole, to the desert and to a cruise ship in several seconds
And has survived being blown up, squished, crushed, punched and ELECTROCUTED.

Spitweasel: Damn. I really need to be a ghost.

Dr. Grean: What about that metal plate in your head?

Spitweasel: Don't worry, I've got it. I'll O.D. on these pills. GHFTHGHFHHHFTGTFHHGFHGFHGTFHGFTHGFTHGTGHFFTHGFTGHTGFGFTG....

Dr. Grean: You're so stupid.

BILL CIPHER MAKES DEATH BATTLE WEIRD[]

Dr. Grean: Trillions and trillions of years ago,there was no universe. There was only other dimensions, but unlike ours.

Spitweasel: How?

Dr. Grean: In this dimension, the entire universe was flat. This was the second dimension.

Spitweasel: Oh I get it, we're the third dimension, so we're in three dimensions.

Dr. Grean: Well, kind of. This dimension was vastly different from our universe. This was the dimension of weirdness.

Spitweasel: You'd think that someone would think of something more... original.

Dr. Grean: Of course they did.

Spitweasel: Oh yeah? What?

Dr. Grean: Bill Cipher, a resident of the 2nd dimension who was obsessed with taking on a universe without flat ideas and flat minds, such as our own.

Spitweasel: So he just wants our dimension so that he's not as flat?

Dr. Grean: Yes.

Spitweasel: That's just pitiful.

Dr. Grean: According to several sources, Bill wants to enter the third dimension not only to escape flat minds and flat ideas, but to spread endless chaos and destroy all that we know that isn't strange.

Death Battle Bill Cipher — The Dinosaur 64

Spitweasel: But who was the shithead who wanted to let him loose in the world? That's right, Stanford Pine. But how did he get in touch with Six-shooter?

Dr. Grean: Well--

Spitweasel: That's what she said.

Dr. Grean: Okay, let's move on from... whatever that was. Bill has access to enter the mind via the Mindscape, a dimension of dreams.

Spitweasel: Why does this sound familiar?

Dr. Grean: Because he's a demon from another dimension, he has powers beyond that of anyone:

Teleportation,
Hyper senses,
Illusion Manipulation,
Matter Manipulation,
Reality Warping,
Space-Time Manipulation,
Dream manipulation,
Mind Control,
Mind Manipulation,
Light Manipulation,
Telekinesis,
Telepathy,
Emotional Manipulation (He can make others fuming with insanity with bubbles),

Spitweasel: FUCKING BUBBLES!!

Size changing,
Awareness of other realities,
Precognition,
Non-corporeal,
Pyrokinesis,
4th wall awareness,
Possession,
Soul Manipulation,
Immortality
And Flight.

Spitweasel: Wait, I recognize this guy!

Dr. Grean: You do?

Spitweasel: Yeah! He's the guy who is on the one dollar bill and the leader of the Illuminati!

Dr. Grean: Wow, (you are so stupid.) interesting theory.

Spitweasel: Wait, what did you say about me?

Dr. Grean: Nothing.

Spitweasel: Also shithead, it's not a theory. He literally has been influencing humanity for millions of years, influencing the ancient Egyptians design of the pyramids and even influencing the Illuminati. Who's stupid now, BIATCH?

Dr. Grean:...

Spitweasel: Ha. Anyway, while Dr. Grean-eggs-and-hamming-it is stuck in a brain coma, let's look at some of Bill's feats:

He rendered the laws of physics useless just by existing,
Warped the intro to Gravity Falls to involve him all over the goddamn place,
Literally with a single hand, annihilated the Time Baby and his army,
He's so smart that he can be considered omniscient (all knowing),
Destroyed every being in the 2nd dimension,
Made 11 dimensional beings afraid of him
and clams to have unlimited power.

Holy shit I know a lot. Wait, how do I know about this stuff?

Dr. Grean:...

Spitweasel: Hello? OH MY FUCKING GOD, HE'S DEAD!! Does that mean..? AHH! How the fuck are you here?! URGH, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH... Uh.. Oh, oh my god. I can't believe this worked! Wow. Now, let's talk about Bill's faults while Spitweasel is in the back of... my mind. Bill has weaknesses such things as:

He can be erased (because in the mindscape, he only exists as a thought, so if someone forgets him, he is gone),
Certain forms of magic suppress his full power (and even contain it),
He can even be hurt, (his eye can ripped out and this forces him to take a while to re-heal.)
Bill can't enter someone else's mind without their consent,
He can be harmed by synchronized music
And he is prone to get angry when his plans fail.

Dr. Spitweasel: Well, now that I've covered that, now I guess I could take a shower. Might do Spitweasel a favor.

Spitweasel: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!

Dr. Spitweasel: Stop! Don't do that!! You'll-- fgkljdk jfg "!NRUTER YAM I TAHT SREWOP TNEICNA THE EKOVNI I !NRUB OT EMOC SAH EMIT YM !LTOLOXA ... !!!lesaewtipS

PRE BATTLE[]

Dr. Grean: Okay, the combatants are set and we've calculated the data to find our winner.

Spitweasel: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!

DEATH BATTLE[]

(Near the Mystery Shack, Dipper and Mabel sit around while reading Ford's journal. He comes across a page about beings who could be summoned by name. Mabel falls into her imagination and enters the Mindscape. Bill sneaks up behind her and decides to do a little dirty trick. He goes to pull Mabel out of her body when he sees Dipper read out loud, "If you say his name three times in a row, he will come to our universe and cause nothing but chaos." Coming up with a new plan, he changes into Ford, tricks Mabel into making a deal with her and steals her body.)

Mabel (Bill): Hey Pine Tree! Let me see that!

(He kicks Dipper in the face.)

Dipper: Mabel! No! Bill, stop! Don't read the book!

Mabel (Bill): Ah, shut up! Ahem. Beetlejuice?

Dipper: NO!

(He lays in his coffin opens his eyes sheepishly.)

Mabel (Bill): Beetlejuice...

(He yawns. Blood pours down Dipper's face.)

Dipper: You're going to kill us all!!

???: Just say it already.

Mabel (Bill): What kind of name is (laughing) BEETLEJUICE?!

(Beetlejuice bursts out of his coffin and out of the ground bursting with laughter.)

Beetlejuice: IT'S SHOWTIME!

(He spies on Bill about a mile away. Beetlejuice then teleports right next to Bill in a bathtub, robe and everything.)

Beetlejuice: AAAAHHHH!!! Get away you PERVERT!!

(Smacking him over the head with a toilet brush, Beetlejuice runs away, Bill exits out of Mabel, takes physical form and chases after him.)

FIGHT!!

Beetlejuice: Na na na na na! You can't catch me!

Bill: Yeah, that's what she said.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!

(He comes to a complete stop. Turning around, his eyes begin to bulge out of his head as he pulls out a giant cannon out of his pants pocket and climbs inside.)

Beetlejuice: Just so you know, this fight isn't canon. But mine is.

(He launches himself out of a cannon and smashes a hammer on Bill Cipher's... head. Bill shouts out in pain, but then he rips off Beetlejuice's leg and smacks him across town. Beetlejuice regrows his legs and smiles.)

Beetlejuice: Keep the leg! I've got more. But why have more legs...

(He pulls of his other leg only for another to grow in its place. The legs start growing another Beetlejuice. That one pulls off his own legs and grows two more Beetlejuices and so on and so forth.)

1,000 Beetlejuices: When you can have a thousand mes?!?

(Beetlejuice sends his duplicates to attack Bill with baseball bats, but they turn to rubber when they hit him. Bill laughs. He goes to possess his foe but cannot enter his head. His opponent in the pinstripe suit goes in for the kill, but fails miserably. Bill tries to enter Beetlejuice's mind.)

Beetlejuice: Sorry babe. Can't let you in. But I can allow myself in!

(He enters Bill's mind as he sees it is all in 2-D.)

Beetlejuice: Holy shit.

Bill: Yeah, its all flat! Why do you think I want to rule the GODDAMN UNIVERSE?! I cannot, repeat, cannot stand my dimension! Everything is... flat. No one wants to be in a reality of 3 dimensions! IT'S BULLSHIT!

Beetlejuice: Yeah, I... I guess that makes sense. I mean, damn. If that's bothering you so much, how about we conquer the world first? THEN we finish our little fight? Eh? You sniffing what I'm crapping?

Bill: I sure as shit do. Let's go fuck some shit up!

(Beetlejuice exits Bill's mind. The two shake hands and grin. They start to wreck anything in sight or turn anything weird. The two go from Gravity Falls to the nearby towns, until the entire state of Oregon is conquered. Over time, they take over Idaho, then Washington, California, Louisiana, Indiana, Ohio, Alabama, Montana, Colorado, Texas, Massachusetts, New York, Washington D.C., Florida, New Mexico, Tennessee, New Jersey, Missouri, Virginia, South Dakota, Pennsylvania, Maine, Rhode Island, Delaware, New Hampshire, Vermont, Connecticut, Kansas, Minnesota, Alaska, Nebraska, North Carolina, Wisconsin, Arizona, Michigan, Hawaii, Mississippi, Illinois, South Carolina, Annapolis, Wyoming, Utah, Georgia, North Dakota, Kentucky, Arkansas, Iowa, Oklahoma, West Virginia, Nevada, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru, the entire North American continent, South America, Antarctica, Africa, Europe and finally Asia. Beetlejuice laughs as he destroys a Russian missile silo and replaces it with a giant pile of weird animals. Bill laughs.)

Bill: Hey! Want to finish the fight?!

Beetlejuice: Sure thing babe.

Bill: I win.

(Beetlejuice screams as a giant sandworm eats the planet, leaving Bill to laugh in insanity.)

Beetlejuice: OH HELL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(He explodes out of the sandworm. Bill tries to stop him with every weapon and power he has. Nothing works.)

Beetlejuice: HEY BILL!

(He creates a giant memory eraser gun.)

SUCK ON THIS!!

(Bill is erased from existance, leaving Beetlejuice alone in the universe.)

And that's why I don't do two show in a night, Babe. I won't.

POST BATTLE[]

Spitweasel: YES! IT'S OVER! NOW THE DEBATE IS FINALLY OVER!!

Dr. Grean: This battle was very hard to judge. Bill and Beetleguese were very similar to each other, but one thing separated one from the other: Beetleguese has survived everything Bill could have thrown at him: Burned, blown up and even killed by a sandworm. Even with Bill's all-knowing wisdom, he has still been outsmarted multiple times, even with his full power!

Spitweasel: What about Bill's mind control?

Dr. Grean: In all of Gravity Falls, we never see Bill Possess any ghosts and usually needs consent to enter. Beetlejuice, he does whatever he wants. There is literally nothing stopping him!

Spitweasel: Well, let's just say Bill's got enough lemons to squeeze himself a gallon of Beetlejuice.

Dr. Grean: The winner is-- wait. What's this? "Dear Grean and Spitweasel, your Death Battle contract has been extended... ANOTHER 5 YEARS?!" WIZARD!! BOOMSTICK!!

Spitweasel: What?! We're just supposed to do this one episode!! FUUUUUU--

Beetlejuice: The winner is me!