After a lengthy absence and multiple failed reboot attempts, this is the officially official first battle of PacmanIsGr8DontH8M8's new season! This battle features the Umbra Witch Bayonetta and the chaotic Turk Vincent Valentine.
Interlude[]
Boomstick: Guns. They aren’t just nature’s watermelon peelers. No matter what size or shape they come in, they’re guaranteed to cause some heavy damage.
Wiz: Today’s combatants are two of the greatest shooters in video games, with some of the most varied arsenals in fiction.
Boomstick: Bayonetta, the Umbra Witch.
Wiz: And Vincent Valentine, the chaotic Turk.
Boomstick: He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick.
Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Bayonetta[]
Wiz: December 19th, 1411 is a day that will live in infamy for Lumen Sages and Umbra Witches alike. A child named Cereza was born unto a witch named Rosa and a sage named Balder. This child was considered an abomination, and inspired the two factions to go to war.
Boomstick: Before the war even began, Cereza’s mom was tossed in jail and dear old dad was exiled from the clan. You know, looking back, I’m glad my parents just got a divorce and stopped there. Things could have been a lot worse.
Wiz: Cereza stayed with her mother outside of her jail cell every night, giving her a tremendous maternal influence through her younger years despite the circumstances.
Boomstick: And it’s a good thing she stuck with her, because Rosa was one of the best Umbra Witch fighters in the entire clan. She had a real knack for the Bullet Arts, and was capable of fending off hordes of powerful enemies.
Wiz: When Cereza was taught magic through special training by the Umbran Elder, she acquired an unprecedented affinity for the Bullet Arts, developing an even greater repertoire than her mother had had. Her balance of Bullet Arts and incredible use of handguns earned her the nickname Bayonetta, and she was inspired by her mother and trainer to become the most powerful of the Umbra Witches.
Boomstick: But before she had a chance to show off her skills, the Angels began their attack and the Umbra Witches had to flee the scene. When Bayonetta went to find her mother, she discovered her corpse in her old cell and lost her will to fight.
Wiz: Before the angels were able to kill Bayonetta, Jeanne performed a ritual that sealed her away in the Umbran Watch that was given to her by her mother. Five hundred years later, a journalist named Antonio Redgrave found the watch and revived Bayonetta from her slumber.
Boomstick: Man, what a lucky guy. Not only did he find an actual Umbran Witch, he found the sexiest of the bunch. He probably had the best day ever.
Wiz: Uh… he was promptly slain after waking her up.
Boomstick: Damn! Well, you win some and you lose some.
Wiz: Bayonetta woke up with a horrible case of amnesia, only able to recall that she was an Umbra Witch and that angels are the enemy to her and her kind.
Boomstick: So she dedicated the rest of her life to slaying any angel that crossed her path, and she couldn’t do so without some amazing weapons and skills. Her Bullet Arts are her primary physical attacks. She can deliver a sliding kick on the ground with her Heel Slide, or switch it up and use her After Burner Kick while airborne. Her Witch Twist is a close-range leap that sends opponents sky-high. Oh, and she can open a portal above her and literally stomp out an opponent with a giant foot!
Wiz: This last technique is part of an arsenal known as the Wicked Weaves, where Bayonetta is capable of summoning the limbs of the demon Madama Butterfly to attack her opponent. Bayonetta can also keep her distance with the Air Dodge and Break Dance techniques. Air Dodge allows her to avoid any incoming attack while in midair, while Break Dance lets her fire a flurry of bullets in all directions while she shoots the guns attached to her feet.
Boomstick: Oh yeah, I forgot the most important part: There are guns attached to her feet! She can hold four guns at once and shoot them all at the same time! It doesn’t get any more badass than that!
Wiz: Her trademark weapons are a set of four guns called Love is Blue, but her arsenal is hardly limited to just handguns.
Boomstick: Yeah, you guys might want to sit down for this. We have a lot of weapons to talk about. Like her set of two military-grade rocket launchers known as Lt. Col. Kilgore, which not only shoot grenades at a fast rate, but can also be swung around like Chinese tonfas.
Wiz: Her Sai Fung are two revolvers that are connected by a small chain, allowing her to use them as nunchaku. Her whip Alruna is covered in thorns and possessed by a demon, and her magical bow known as Kafka shoots arrows made of venomous insects.
Boomstick: She also has a pair of ice skates called Odetta that can literally freeze opponents that are hit by the blades. The only downside to these bad boys is Bayonetta can only hold two guns while these are equipped. She also has twin katanas that hold the soul of the demon Rakasasha, a three-bladed scythe, a pair of chainsaws that casually cut through iron, and a giant hammer that would make even Thor blush!
Wiz: She also carries a multitude of accessories with incredible magic abilities. Her charm Pulley’s Butterfly summons a small group of butterflies that take damage in place of Bayonetta, and her Climax Brace gives her an unlimited supply of magic, enabling her to use Torture Attacks and activate her Climax at any point.
Boomstick: The Torture Attacks allow Bayonetta to summon a medieval torture device out of nowhere, her most famous being a large Iron Maiden. And her Climax lets her use charged attacks instantly for a short period of time, such as her Wicked Weaves.
Wiz: Of course, Bayonetta’s astounding magic supply is the precursor for her most powerful attacks: her summons and transformations. Her Beast Within techniques enable her to gain movement speed as a panther, utilize the power of flight as a crow, and dodge enemy attacks by turning into a flock of bats.
Boomstick: And her pact with Madama Butterfly goes far beyond her use of Wicked Weaves. With sufficient magic, Bayonetta can call the Mistress of Atrocity to the battlefield, letting her deliver powerful punches, headbutts, and kicks.
Wiz: Speaking of headbutting, Bayonetta is no slouch in terms of her own physical strength. She was able to headbutt a skyscraper thrown at her by her father without sustaining damage.
Boomstick: Not only that, she threw a space colony big enough to hurt the god Aesir with just her lower body, at a force of 2400 gigatons! I guess Bayonetta never skips leg day.
Wiz: And as the bearer of the Left Eye of the World, Bayonetta has developed an incredible sense of awareness and can begin to attack as quickly as she detects an enemy presence. She’s defeated numerous gods and even her own father in combat, and is fast enough to keep up with Irenic without using Witch Time.
Boomstick: There’s no doubt that Bayonetta can go toe-to-toe with anyone who crosses her, and look good while doing it.
Bayonetta: As long as there’s music, I’ll keep on dancing.
Vincent Valentine[]
Wiz: The demonic gunslinger Vincent Valentine once led quite a normal life. He was employed by the Turks of the Shinra Electric Power Company, a group of investigators for the Department of Public Safety.
Boomstick: Vincent seemed to be making an honest living until he discovered that his employer was conducting a ton of immoral experiments on humans and animals. Eh, I’d still be happier working there than at a Walmart or something.
Wiz: Well, unlike my partner in crime, Valentine actually had a moral compass…
Boomstick: Hey!
Wiz: … and called on President Hojo to stop these experiments immediately upon discovery.
Boomstick: You can guess how this goes. It’s basically every evil corporation episode of Captain Planet… except with guns.
Wiz: Hojo promptly shot his employee in the chest, subverting Valentine to a death-like state until he subjected Vincent’s unmoving body to a unique series of superhuman experiments.
Boomstick: The experiments didn’t work until Valentine’s former love interest Lucrecia infused him with a material called Mako, which not only revived him, but gave him incredible mutant powers such as increased strength, speed, regeneration, and shapeshifting. Man, I’d do anything to get my hands on some Mako. I wonder what Valentine thought of his new powers.
Wiz: He did not respond to them well at all. After waking up and seeing his new body, Vincent entered a state of rage and despair. He even buried himself for twenty years in an attempt to atone for his sins.
Boomstick: Oh… Well, now I don’t want a moral compass if it’s gonna make me do shit like that.
Wiz: After Cloud Strife convinced Valentine to cease his slumber and join his party to defeat the evil Sephiroth, Vincent saw that his newfound powers were capable of good, even if he was infused with Chaos.
Boomstick: As a former Turk, Vincent already had training for marksmanship, stealth, and hand-to-hand combat. Even after his twenty-year slumber, he was able to fight alongside Cloud Strife against Sephiroth and numerous other enemies. All because Vincent told off his boss. Hey Wiz, you take control of the show for a few minutes. I’m gonna go tell Craig exactly how I feel about him.
Wiz: Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Boomstick: (distant) You can’t say anything to stop me! I’m getting some superpowers!
(door slams shut)
Wiz: Um… okay then. Even without help from Cloud or Tifa Lockhart, Vincent was able to single-handedly defeat the evil Tsviets, an elite group of underground super-soldiers. Following his quest to defeat Sephiroth, Valentine acquired a large arsenal of guns and magic. This includes his favorite weapon: a triple-barreled handgun called Cerberus. While it does have a limited capacity of ammunition, the Cerberus is capable of doing tremendous damage with every shot. Valentine also carries a Hydra bolt-action rifle that can be equipped with a bayonet, a Griffon machine gun, and his most powerful gun, a revolving rifle known as the Death Penalty, which can kill any enemy with a single shot provided Vincent has killed enough enemies beforehand.
(door opens)
Wiz: Woah, what happened to you?!
Boomstick: Ah, I walked into Craig’s office and he hit me with his replica Mjolnir... repeatedly. I didn’t even get to say anything, he just really didn’t want to be bothered today.
Wiz: Moving on, in addition to his vast array of guns, Valentine has…
Boomstick: Wait, I missed the gun part?!
Wiz: Yeah…
Boomstick: Ah, now I gotta sue that bitch for pain and suffering! I don't wanna go to court again. Last time I did was my divorce. That judge was a real nasty motherfu--
Wiz: In addition to his guns, Valentine has a number of Materia options for magic that he can attach to any gun’s stock. His Power Cross increases his melee damage, his Cerberus Relief increases his defense, his adjusters increase accuracy from short, medium, or long range attacks, and he can use Fire, Thunder, and Blizzard spells with the proper Materia.
Boomstick: And if that’s not enough magic for you, Valentine can transform into one of two forms with his Limit Breaks. His Galian Beast form increases his defense by 20%, his dexterity by 50%, and his max health by a whopping 130%! He’ll also attack with either Berserk Dance or Beast Flare, both of which are vastly stronger than their normal counterparts.
Wiz: Problem is, his Galian Beast form cannot be controlled, and Valentine cannot choose the appropriate attack depending on the situation at hand. His most powerful form, however, more than makes up for this weakness.
Boomstick: His Chaos form turns him into a winged demon, giving him the power of flight, increasing his speed and power, and protecting him from most attacks. In this form, the Death Penalty now fires powerful beams of energy that deals massive damage to all opponents.
Wiz: This form of the Death Penalty is still limited in ammunition, but one hit will almost guarantee a kill.
Boomstick: And if Valentine needs any help, he can call upon the Knights of the Round to help him with his dirty work.
Wiz: The Knights of the Round summon consists of thirteen knights that use an attack called Ultimate End, where each knight attacks an opponent’s party simultaneously. The thirteenth and final knight wields Excalibur, one of the most powerful swords in the Final Fantasy universe.
Boomstick: And whether he’s destroying helpless Cactuars for an experience boost or fighting demons to save the world, Valentine certainly has all the equipment for the job.
Vincent: Hmh. Guess I have no choice. It’s time… to save the world.
Pre-Battle[]
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!!!
Death Battle![]
(The camera pans into a dimly lit cathedral as the sun begins to shine through the stained glass. The door to the cathedral creaks open as the light floods the chapel. A tall figure in a red cloak walks through the aisle, clearly searching for something. As Valentine continues to walk across the church, a woman in a nun outfit appears behind him.)
Bayonetta: Hello, sir. Welcome to our house of salvation.
(Vincent turns around and notices the tall womanly figure behind him.)
Vincent: Thank you. Pleasantries aside, however, I am looking for your chapel. I have... sins I must atone for.
(As Valentine says these words, Bayonetta glances at his side and notices a holster containing Cerberus, the legendary triple-barreled handgun.)
Bayonetta: Very well, I shall help you find peace...
(Bayonetta throws off her nun outfit and draws her signature pistols, Love is Blue.)
Bayonetta: ... and you shall find it upon your death.
(Vincent draws his weapon and points it at the Umbra Witch.)
Vincent: It seems I shall have to damn myself even further.
FIGHT!!!
(Bayonetta begins firing her handguns rapidly, as Vincent quickly rolls to the side and covers himself under a church pew. Vincent peers out over the pew and fires his first shot, directly on target. However, before the shot hits Bayonetta, she activates her Bat Within and appears directly above Vincent's cover. Her Witch Time activates immediately after she reforms.)
Bayonetta: You've played enough hide and seek.
(Bayonetta pulls out her cursed bow Kafka, and fires three poisonous arrows at Vincent as time is slowed down. When the Witch Time expires, Vincent sees the arrows and quickly backflips over the next pew as the arrows disintegrate once they hit the ground. As Bayonetta lands back on the ground, Vincent jumps out into the aisle and fires another five shots in rapid succession. Bayonetta is able to use her Air Dodge Bullet Art to avoid these shots.)
Bayonetta: Let's dance!
(Bayonetta leaps high in the air and activates her Break Dance Bullet Art, sending bullets flying all over the church. The sound of glass windows shattering fills the air, and Vincent hides behind a marble column. Multiple bullets hit the column as Valentine begins to reload his Cerberus. However, he stops to evaluate the situation.)
Vincent: Hmm... I might need some more fire power.
(Vincent spawns his Griffon machine gun and loads a reel of bullets into the drum.)
Vincent: Much better.
(As the Bullet Art stops, Vincent steps out from behind the pillar and begins to open fire on the Umbra Witch. Bayonetta morphs into her panther form and is able to outrun the barrage of bullets. As Vincent runs out of ammunition, Bayonetta stealthily appears behind him and charges a punch from Madama Butterfly.)
Bayonetta: Take this!
(Vincent turns around just in time for the punch to hit him directly in the face. As the blow sends Valentine flying across the room, Bayonetta conjures up her Iron Maiden torture attack and prepares to slam the door shut on him. However, Vincent's perception of time slows just before he is sent into the Iron Maiden. Valentine pulls out his Death Penalty rifle and shoots it into the ground just before time resumes. Valentine just barely avoids flying into the spikes because of the recoil from the shot. He then pushes off the ceiling and lands on his feet.)
Vincent: Not bad... but you're not fast enough.
(Vincent then equips the Power Cross to his Bayonet Rifle and charges at Bayonetta. Bayonetta pulls out her Takemikazuchi hammer and slams it into the ground, creating a lightning-fast shockwave that runs across the floor. Before the shockwave hits Vincent, his perception of time slows once more, allowing him to vault over the ripple and attempt to strike Bayonetta down with the blade. Bayonetta is able to pull out her Raksasha blades and block the attack. Vincent lands on his feet once more, the rifle still in his hands. Bayonetta positions herself in a fighting stance, and the two run after each other. Vincent swings his enhanced rifle back and forth, deflecting each swing of Bayonetta's swords. As Bayonetta attempts to block Vincent's next attack, an aura from the Power Cross charm surrounds the Bayonet Rifle and swings it upward, causing the swords to fly out of Bayonetta's hands.)
Vincent: Sweet dreams.
(Vincent thrusts the bayonet towards the Umbra Witch, who dodges it with another Witch Time maneuver.)
Bayonetta: Too slow.
(Bayonetta fires a flurry of gunshots and punches at Vincent with her Stiletto Bullet Art. She then slides across the floor with her Heel Slide, and hits Valentine with Witch Twist as soon as she appears under him. Time normalizes once more and Vincent is launched upward. Bayonetta pulls out her Salmandra chainsaws and attempts to sever Vincent's arms with a well-timed swing. However, Valentine attempts to block the attack with his Bayonet Rifle. This time, the chainsaws cleanly slice through the rifle, splitting it in half. As Vincent continues to fall, Bayonetta thrusts the chainsaws through his torso. Blood begins to flow from Valentine's body and drips down the chainsaw blades. A shocked expression appears on Vincent's face just before Bayonetta drops the chainsaws, sending him onto the floor in a heap.)
Bayonetta: Don't fuck with a witch.
(Bayonetta begins to walk away from Vincent's body, but turns around as an ominous blue aura begins to radiate from it. The blood begins to find its way back into Valentine's body. Bayonetta is stunned as Vincent begins to morph into his Galian Beast form. The beast utters a loud roar and rips the chainsaws out of his body. The wounds heal almost instantly, as he tosses the weapons aside.)
Bayonetta: What?
(Vincent begins to charge his Beast Flare technique. Bayonetta appears to be engulfed by the flames as the large orbs surround her. The beast steps back as the flames go out, seeing nothing in front of him. The beast kneels down, believing his work to be done. Suddenly, the beast howls in pain as his right arm flies off of his body. Bayonetta appears behind him, wearing her Odetta ice skates. The beast's wound is covered in ice, but Vincent still staggers back in pain. As Bayonetta glares at her opponent, a rage takes Valentine over, and he charges towards the Umbra Witch. However, Bayonetta pulls out her Pulley's Butterfly charm in the nick of time, and the swarm of butterflies surround her. The beast attempts to punch the witch with one arm, but the butterflies block every hit. As the last butterfly expires, Vincent begins to run out of energy. He reverts back to his original state as Bayonetta brandishes her Love is Blue guns. As Vincent leans against the wall, Bayonetta appears before him once more.)
Bayonetta: My turn now!
(Bayonetta shoots Vincent in the stomach with her handguns, and Vincent's body falls to the ground. Bayonetta kneels down, noticing the parallel streaks of blood that line the wall above Vincent's body slumped over and seated against the wall. The blood does not move this time. Bayonetta stands up, assuming that she has slain her enemy. However, another aura surrounds Vincent's body, this time a red glow.)
Bayonetta: Give me a break.
(Bayonetta brandishes her Chernobog scythe as Vincent's body begins to grow wings. Vincent has begun to morph into his Chaos Form. Chaos Vincent stands up, and then regenerates his arm.)
Chaos Vincent: Your demise begins now.
(Chaos Vincent takes to the air and wields his Death Penalty rifle. He fires a beam of energy at Bayonetta, who sidesteps the attack. Bayonetta then transforms into Crow Within, turning her into a large bird. Bayonetta shoots a barrage of feathers at Vincent, but the aura deflects them all. She also throws the Chernobog at him with her feet, but this is also thrown to the wayside. Bayonetta reverts back to her original form as Vincent readies another shot. Bayonetta uses Air Dodge to successfully maneuver around the beam. Bayonetta lands on the ground, and Valentine aims at her with the rifle. He pulls the trigger as Bayonetta stands, ready to defend herself.)
click
(The Death Penalty has run out of ammunition. Chaos Vincent throws his rifle aside and begins to summon the Knights of the Round. In an instant, thirteen knights appear alongside the demon. The knights charge at Bayonetta, each brandishing a different weapon. Bayonetta, however, activates her Climax Brace and becomes surrounded with her own aura.)
Bayonetta: Let's hit the climax!
(Bayonetta begins to throw Wicked Weave punches towards all of the knights, reflecting their respective attacks. In the flurry of attacks, Bayonetta punches twelve of the thirteen knights until they dissipate. The thirteenth knight, however, stands over Bayonetta and swings his Excalibur blade downward. Just before the attack hits, however, the demon Madama Butterfly catches the sword in her hands. As she climbs out of the portal, she tightens her grip on the blade and lifts the thirteenth knight into the air by raising the sword. She then throws him aside, causing him to hit the wall and dissipate. The force of the hit causes the walls of the chapel to come crumbling down. Madama Butterfly punches the ceiling as it collapses, sending it scattering through the sky in pieces. Chaos Vincent lands on the floor and catches the chandelier as it reaches him. He breaks the chain off of the top and flies in circles around Bayonetta and Madama. Vincent stops above Madama Butterfly and dives feet-first into the demon, who looks straight up. Vincent's golden sabatons impale Madama through the eyes, causing her to fall backward and retreat through the portal. Vincent resumes flying around the Umbra Witch.)
Bayonetta: Fuck, he is fast.
(Bayonetta attempts to track Vincent's movements, but the demon appears directly behind the Umbra Witch and wraps the chain around her neck. He tightens his grip on the chain and begins to choke Bayonetta. Her eyes begin to glaze over as they roll into her head. However, just before she runs out of air, Vincent reverts back to his original form. He loosens his grip on the chain due to his power decrease, giving Bayonetta an opportunity to breathe. Bayonetta throws her elbow into Vincent's ribcage, and throws her head into Vincent's face, making him release his grip. Bayonetta falls to the ground, but stands up while Valentine staggers back. Bayonetta pulls out her Alruna whip and Vincent, whose right eye is now bloodied, readies his Cerberus with a Thunder Materia. Vincent fires off several shots surrounded with electric energy, but Bayonetta is able to reflect them back at Vincent with her whip. One of the bullets pierces Vincent's other eye, causing him to groan loudly in agony and shoot blindly into the darkness. Even after Vincent runs out of ammunition, he continues to pull the trigger as he loses control of himself. Bayonetta then appears behind him, wielding her Lt. Col. Kilgore grenade launchers.)
Bayonetta: Checkmate, love.
(Bayonetta strikes Vincent in the back of the head, causing him to turn around. In his frustration, Vincent does not notice when Bayonetta places the launchers at either side of his head. Bayonetta moves them backward and brings them together, causing each one to produce an explosion, and blowing Vincent's head into pieces. Vincent's headless body falls over for the final time.)
Bayonetta: Ah... bloody amazing.
Post-Battle[]
K.O.!!!
(Bayonetta leaves the chapel ruins and fist-bumps Madama Butterfly. Vincent's body, that has not atoned for its sins, is promptly dragged into hell.)
Boomstick: Oh yeah! The sexy witch redeems herself! That was incredible!
Wiz: Both fighters were extremely adept marksmen, but Bayonetta held the greater magic supply, more diverse arsenal, greater power and speed, and the training necessary to contend with her opponent.
Boomstick: Vincent was able to keep up with Sephiroth, but he needed the help of Cloud and Tifa to do so. Meanwhile, Bayonetta single-handedly defeated the god of chaos Aesir, who was specifically stated to be comparable with Jubileus, the creator of the universe! I doubt the Tsviets could stack up to a deity that can create and destroy entire universes on a whim.
Wiz: As for her speed, Bayonetta was able to keep up with the automobile Irenic, which is capable of crossing the land of Paradiso, which is thousands of times larger than the human world, in under a day. Even if we lowball this feat and consider Paradiso to be exactly one thousand times the size of the human world, we can put its top speed at over 113 million times the speed of light, whereas Sephiroth is only stated to be capable of light speed movement and reactions in his ultimate form.
Boomstick: Also, Bayonetta's training was way more appropriate for this fight. She was trained with magic and molded by the Umbran Elder to have powers capable of harming gods, while Valentine was trained as a spy by humans. Also, unlike Bayonetta, Vincent was never able to get a handle on his stronger forms.
Wiz: Overall, Bayonetta's power and speed advantages, superior arsenal and experience, and greater affinity for magic let her fend off Vincent long enough to prevent his Chaos form from delivering the final blow.
Boomstick: It looks like Vincent could have used a Left Eye of his own.
Wiz: The winner is Bayonetta.
Next Time on Death Battle[]
