| BJ Blazkowic vs. Duke Nukem vs. Doomguy | |
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| Season 1, Episode 1 | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | November 15, 2017 |
| Written by | |
| Directed by | |
Episode guide
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| Previous | Next |
| N/A | Hulk vs. Goro |
This battle is a What-If Death Battle.
Description[]
The Revolutionaries of modern FPS! It's Wolfenstein vs. Duke Nukem vs Doom! Rip and tear!!
Interlude[]
Wiz: First person shooters. There has been a lot of them over the years from Battlefield to Call Of Duty, but before them there were only three.
Boomstick: And they were Wolfenstein, Doom, and Duke Nukem 3D. The kick ass forefathers of the modern FPS today.
Wiz: I'm Wiz and he’s Boomstick. And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
BJ Blazkowic[]
Wiz: William "BJ" Blazkowic, a man who is either a Cheesehead..
Boomstick: Wait what? (laughing)
Wiz: ...A man who's either a Wisconsinite or Texan (depending on which game you're playing) and a captain in the US army.
Boomstick: But he's no ordinary soldier he's a secret agent of the OSA which stands for Office of Secret Actions.. Clever name guys hows about Super Secret Agency of Super Secrets?!
Wiz: William or as he's called by his friends "BJ", was born on August 15, 1911, his exploits of thwarting the Nazi war machine by foiling it's special projects and assassinating key members would gain him infamy among the Nazis dubbing him "Terror Billy".
Boomstick: Wow, no reason why they lost. They couldn't even come up with a good name. Anyways, BJ would continue to foil Adolph's plans of World domination until finally shooting him in the f***ing face!
Wiz: However that's not the first time these two met in battle, but BJ was unsuccessful in killing Hitler and made sure the next time they met it would be the last.
Boomstick: Now enough backstory let's get to the weapons! BJ has a ton of weapons to choose from, including the standard knife all the way to a Chain gun which is basically just a minigun.
Wiz: But that's just from Wolfenstein 3D Boomstick, in Return to Castle Wolfenstein BJ upgraded his arsenal to include Grenades, a sniper rifle, a Sten machine gun, an MG 42, the Venom gun, and much more.
Boomstick: Yes! More destruction! Kill them all! Ha Ha Ha HA!
Wiz: However just like any other man, BJ has his limits.
Boomstick: He may think he's Rambo but he can't soak up as many bullets. If he gets too many bullets shot at him or a perfectly placed shot from a sniper rifle and BJ is down and out.
Wiz: But for some reason being a vegtiable for 14 years has no drastic effect on him.
Boomstick: *cough* RIPOFF! *cough*
Duke Nukem[]
Wiz: Humanity through out the years as often asked it self one question. Are we alone in the universe?
Boomstick: Well if you ever seen a sci fi movie then you know that answers no. Same goes to the wonderful world of Duke Nukem.
Wiz: Little is known about Duke's early life but he do know he had joined the army and had served under General Graves as part of the US peacekeeping force in Beirut during the Lebanese Civil War.
Boomstick: Then he left and did nothing I guess.
Wiz: Once again little is known of Duke's life after the army and before he was hired by the CIA to stop the evil Dr. Proton from taking over the world.
Boomstick: Basically Kano before he went half terminator eye and half human phase.
Wiz: No. Well actually, he does kinda look like him.. Okay, basically Proton was an evil scientist who was originally good but went bad, yada yada Duke killed him the end.
Boomstick: Then just like any sane man would do, he would later write an autobiography about why he's so great and I can't disagree.
Wiz: Alright... Uh while talking about his autobiography, he was suddenly abducted by Aliens! The Alien race known as Rigelatins, had seen Duke as a threat and decided to take care of him on their own planet to get him out of the way from their plot to take over the world.
Boomstick: Which was a really dumb thing to do as Duke kick their asses and once again saved the earth. But then after getting back some new aliens have decided to take over the earth.
Wiz: And so the cycle repeated itself again, and again, and again, and again until Duke Nukem Forever killed the franchise.
Boomstick: WIZ! (pulls out shotgun) WE NEVER SPEAK IT'S UNHOLY NAME!
Wiz: Okay! Okay! God!! I sorry!
Boomstick: Now lets talk about Duke's arsenal, oh god his arsenal. Duke's first weapon is a pistol it's his weakest weapon and he only uses it when his other weapons ammo are low.
Wiz: Duke also has a melee attack which is just his foot.
Boomstick: His mighty foot!
Wiz: Yeah... Anyways, Duke also welds a shotgun, a chaingun, a pipe bomb, and so much more.
Boomstick: Duke also has some alien weapons like the shrinker which allows Duke to shrink his enemies to the size of an ant and crush them! Now only if it were real.
Wiz: He can freeze enemies with a freeze ray and shatter them with a kick or a blast from any other gun.
Boomstick: Duke doesn't just have weapons, Duke has some powerups to help distract enemies like the holo duke, a hologram version of Duke which easily fools enemies.
Wiz: He also has a Jetpack which can get him to places he normally can't reach. He also uses steroids to give him speed. When he uses them he can outrun rockets
Boomstick: Wait what? Holy shit!! I need to order some of those!!
Wiz: Duke may act like he's invincible but in reality just like BJ too many shots and he goes down. And if he falls from too great a height..
Boomstick: Splat! Duke makes the town red.
Duke: I outta brake a broom handle off in your ass!
Doom Guy[]
Wiz: The Doomguy..
Boomstick: Hell's version of the Punisher! He makes the demons lives a living hell.
Palpatine: Ironic.
Wiz: The Doomguy's backstory hasn't really changed so we don't need to go through the details.
Boomstick: Which means we get to my favorite part the weapons!! He still uses all of the Doom and Doom II weapons but then there's the other babys which include the grabber which is basically just Doom's version of the Half Life gravity gun and the holo... So Doom's ripping off other FPS?
Wiz: He has more than just those two Boomstick, he has the hellshot which can cause flame damage over time, he also has a frag grenade, the Tesia rocket, and the gruss cannon which if it hits you kills you instantly.
Boomstick: But if he's out of ammo for those weapons he'll just grab a chainsaw and go Texas Chainsaw Massacre on your ass!
Wiz: He also uses his fists in combat as well as-
Boomstick: Rip and Tear!!
Wiz: Oh my...
Boomstick: Rip and Tear!!!!!
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEE!
Fight[]
We cut to BJ Blazkowicz killing some Nazis as usual in Castle Wolfenstein. Everything is ordinary Wolfenstein till a portal opens up out of nowhere. BJ and the Nazis are both stunned and confused as too what the hell is happening till a human looking creature flys out of the portal and hits a Nazi solider. Then a man in armor comes out and starts blasting everyone in the room except BJ who had hid in the other room, bidding his time and wondering who that man was until the man enters the same room as BJ searching for him.
Then another man randomly appears in the same room with them but is noticed only by BJ.
FIGHT!
Duke: It’s time to kic-
Doomguy turns around and starts firing at Duke while Duke dodges and returns fire meanwhile BJ just bids his time while the two fight until the Doomguy has his back to him. BJ tries to stab him with a knife but the Doomguy grabs his arm and flips him over him while Duke uses a holo Duke to escape till he is in full health.
BJ quickly rolls out of the way before the butt of Doomguys shotgun hits him and kicks Doomguy in the face. BJ pulls out a chaingun and starts firing while the Doomguy soaks up the bullets (he see his pov ala DOOM showing his health depleating). BJ is stuned at this but keeps firing until the Doomguy pulls out his own chain gun and starts returning fire.
BJ quicklys dodges most of the oncoming fire but is hit in his left arm and his right leg. Duke (now in full health thanks to the health packs) throws a pipe bomb in the room and detonates it. However Doomguy and BJ manage to escape and attempt to find Duke and one another.
Duke finds BJ and starts shooting but misses while we see the Doomguy pulls out the BFG then we cut back to Duke and BJ fighting. Duke uses his mighty foot and kicks BJ in the nose causing him to bleed.
Duke: Damn, your ugly.
Then the Doomguy enters the room and fires off the BFG! Duke quickly runs to a door while BJ explodes into a pile of blood and guts on the floor. Doomguy then fires a rocket at Duke but Duke injects steroids and outruns the rocket into the room.
The Doomguy then discards both the BFG and rocket launcher as he kicks down the door Duke went in only to be shrunk down to size.
Duke: Piece of Cake!
The Doomguy runs into a crack in the wall while Duke attempts to find him and crush him. The Doomguy feeling himself growing quickly runs out of the crack and away from a rat that was chasing him. But a giant boot slams down on the floor crushing it.
K.O!
Duke: That‘s one do-
Duke is lifted up in the air by a full sized Doomguy while realizing the little thing he stepped on a rat.
Doomguy: YOUR SMALL! THAT MUST MEAN YOU HAVE SMALL GUTS!! RIP AND TEAR!!!
Duke: (Screams while being teared in half.)
Doomguy tears him in half
K.O!
Doomguy sees a portal appear and runs to it with half of Duke’s corpse with him
Results[]
Boomstick: Duke Nukem no!
Wiz: Although Duke has saved the world from Aliens countless of times, the Doomguy has literally fought hell. In fact he even stayed in hell to punish demons forever!
Boomstick: BJ was already dead from the start seeing how he really only fought Nazi’s who are just as human as he is..Was.
Wiz: While Duke could possibly disarm the Doomguy, his mighty boot would’ve been no match to the Doomguy’s armor.
Boomstick: I guess you can say both BJ and Duke were Doomed from the start.
Wiz: The winner is Doomguy
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Next time on Death Battle[]
Boomstick: Next time on Death Battle!
???: You won't like me when I'm angry.
???: I'll give you a warrior's death.