Two warriors from different time periods take their magical elixirs to the battlefield in a showdown of hero against villain.
Wiz: Magic potions. They can be quite a useful asset in a warrior's arsenal. And many combatants in fiction could testify.
Boomstick: Like Ruber, the treacherous knight of the round table.
Wiz: And Asterix, the brave Gaulish villager who opposes Roman occupation.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
Wiz: The year is 50 B.C. Gaul is entirely occupied by the Romans.
Boomstick: Well, not entirely. One village of badass motherfuckers still keeps on kicking the invaders' derrières for free.
Wiz: And the best warrior of this village is Asterix.
Boomstick: Don't let this French guy's petite physique fool ya. Just the sight of him has brought fear to entire Roman legions.
Wiz: But how does a small village of barbarians manage to resist the combined forces of one of the greatest militaristic empires in history, under the command of Julius Caesar himself? Well, the secret lies in a magic potion brewed by the village's druid.
Boomstick: For those who don't know, a druid is basically a hippie combined with a witch doctor. He's the guy who goes into the woods, collects herbs and medicine, may-or-may-not include recreational drugs, etc.
Wiz: Uh, yeah... anyway... this druid, Getafix, has managed to invent a potion that gives superhuman strength to those who drink it.
Boomstick: The effects of the potion are temporary, but while they last, well, you can rest assured that the problem you currently find yourself into will be most likely solved.
Wiz: Unless you're dealing with bureaucratic civil servants such as those in The 12 Tasks of Asterix.
Boomstick: Yeah, for that, our favorite Gaul used his wit. In other circumstances, he usually employs his fists.
Wiz: You see, unlike his friend Obelix, Asterix is also intelligent. In fact, he's usually described as the smartest man in the village. And this is the quality that makes him their best warrior. After all, in terms of raw strength, they all get to drink Getafix's potion whenever they want to.
Boomstick: Well, except for Obelix.
(Obelix asks Getafix for some potion).
Obelix: Can I have some?
Getafix: No, Obelix, you cannot and well you know it. You fell into the cauldron when you were a baby and it had a permanent effect on you. It would be dangerous for you to drink any more.
Wiz: It wasn't until 35 years later that we got to see what this danger was. As it turns out, if you drink too much magic potion while already under its effects, you might get turned into stone!
Boomstick: But that's only when you drink a lot. Like, an entire cauldron of it. A few drops are fine, as demonstrated by Obelix when they got trapped inside a pyramid in Asterix and Cleopatra.
Wiz: By now, you've probably noticed that Asterix's adventures have brought him to a number of different countries. But whenever he goes, along with Obelix, he regularly lays waste to entire pirate ships and Roman camps.
Boomstick: Asterix has fought lions and gladiators at the arena, and was responsible for assisting in more than one slave revolt as well.
Wiz: He's pretty much a recurring headache to Caesar.
Boomstick: When he drinks the potion, Asterix's strength allows him to easily break chains, uproot trees, blast through massive stone doors and more!
Wiz: If you're wondering how strong the potion makes him exactly, that hasn't been measured for sure. In the first album, Getafix mentions that it multiplies strength tenfold. However, some incidents have suggested that it might be more. For instance, in Asterix and the Goths, a man was sentenced to being torn apart by having his limbs tied to horses.
Wiz: But since he had drank from the potion, the horses couldn't do anything, no matter how hard they struggled. Now, considering that a single horse can pull ten times as much weight as the average person; the fact that this man could keep up with four horses at once suggests that his strength must have been increased, not be tenfold... But by forty-fold!
Boomstick: Not to mention the fact that one of Asterix's most iconic moves, as seen in several albums, is knocking a man out of his shoes.
Wiz: The popular adage of knocking someone out of their socks has been tested by the Mythbusters, who concluded that it does require superhuman strength. Specifically, the strength of a truck hitting you at 65 mph!
Boomstick: Holy crap! But say, Wiz, what about the potion's time limit? How long is that?
Wiz: Depends. The live action film says ten minutes. But in the comics, the effect consistently lasts for several hours. For example, in The Mansions of the Gods, some slaves drink it during the day and are still under its effect by night.
Boomstick: Even if it did last only ten minutes, that's enough time to do some real damage. And besides, the potion doesn't just make you strong. It can also bring an unconscious person back to consciousness, and even cure your throat if you lost your voice.
Wiz: Related to that is the fact that, besides strength, Asterix also has other qualities as well. Most notably speed.
Boomstick: Even without the potion, he has been able to keep up with Olympic athletes, albeit with some difficulty. And when he does drink from the potion, he easily outruns them.
Wiz: He's also smart enough to see through most villains' schemes, and in at least one case, has proven to be a competent detective.
Boomstick: As for durability, it's been said that the potion has no effect on that. It's supposed to make you strong, not invulnerable. But that doesn't change the fact that Asterix has survived some tough shit. Such as throwing himself from a catapult or being hit in the face by a catapult's projectile when he hadn't drunk any potion at the time! That one did knock him unconscious, but still did no permanent damage.
Wiz: Factored in, Asterix's friend Obelix has shown even more impressive feats, such as pulling five sailboats by himself while running on the Nile's shore; tossing a rhinoceros high above the canopy in India; gleefully defeating an entire army of legionaries alone; and knocking out full-grown trees with a slight movement of his foot... By accident.
Boomstick: But Wiz, isn't Obelix stronger than Asterix?
Wiz: Well, maybe... or maybe not. Some albums, such as Asterix and Cleopatra, suggest that Obelix is indeed much stronger. While others, such as At the Olympic Games, all but confirm that all of the villagers are equally matched in strength when under the effect of the potion; Obelix's only differential being that, for him, this state is permanent.
Boomstick: Well, even if he is as strong as Obelix, Asterix can still be defeated, right?
Wiz: Right. Like you said, much has been made of the fact that the potion will make you strong, but not invulnerable.
Boomstick: Meaning ou can still feel pain and be crushed by giant monoliths.
Wiz: Exactly. And Asterix has been defeated sometimes, such as in his sword duel with Whosemoralsarelastix. And he has been caught by surprise and knocked out more than once.
Boomstick: Also, magic druids or not, you can't escape from the fact that the Romans conquered Gaul for a reason. Military organization isn't these Gaulish guys' top priority.
Wiz: True. Although he's certainly smart and a great warrior to boost, Asterix is neither a leader nor a strategist by nature. While he has concocted elaborate plans, those were always for escaping or for tricking someone. When it comes to combat itself...
Boomstick: His main strategy is to just charge into the field and punch whoever he runs into! Like, the same strategy I used to do when I was on the rugby team. And the basketball team. And the improv club.
Wiz: He's also not used to fighting against opponents with strength comparable to his own. His only real obstacle in most fights is being outnumbered.
Boomstick: But who cares about that when you got the strength of forty men and is usually backed away by a whole village of warriors which also have the strength of forty men each?!
Wiz: Yes. The truth is that Asterix rarely fights alone, and rarely has to worry about being outclassed in strength, or even outwitted.
Boomstick: But regardless of being alone or part of the village; he has repeatedly proved himself to be smart and competent, and at the end, never fails to save the day. And the ladies love that, of course!
(Asterix defeats Tremensdelirious in a sword fight).
Asterix: The rest is silence! 'Nuff zed!
Orthopaedix's daughter: What a man!
Wiz: The time of King Arthur.
Boomstick: A time of knights, honor, bravery and... Magic swamps?
Wiz: Magic forests really. Filled with carnivorous plants and gravity-defying water.
Boomstick: I don't remember that from history class. But I do remember that Arthur was appointed king because he had Excalibur!
Wiz: Yes, the magical sword that he pulled from the stone.
Boomstick: Thus proving that Medieval rights to govern were based on who wielded the biggest, most awesome weapon of the time. Not that different from today.
Wiz: And it should be mentioned that this version of Excalibur isn't just large and regal. It's literally a magical weapon which can send opponents flying away with a wave of light.
Boomstick: With such a cool thing lying around, it's not surprising that some people would be interested in... Acquiring this sword. Even if that involves regicide.
Wiz: That was the plan of the treacherous knight, Sir Ruber, who betrayed and attacked King Arthur. Uh, alone. During a royal meeting. In broad daylight. Right in front of numerous other knights who were there to protect their king. Honestly, it's not much of a surprise that this plan didn't work!
Boomstick: What is surprising is that Ruber still managed to kill one of Arthur's men, Sir Lionel, and run away from the castle without being stopped by the guards or anything. Man, either the security there sucks, or Ruber really is good at evading capture!
Wiz: It's probably a bit of both, actually.
Ruber: ♪ Let's go back to war and violence. I'm so bored with peace and... SILENCE!!! ♪
Boomstick: Gee, how did King Arthur fail to notice this guy was evil in the first place?
Wiz: Well, while Ruber may be cruel, sadistic and a questionable lyricist, he does have at least one noble quality. Determination. After his exile, he patiently waited for ten years before coming back for revenge, and to attempt to take over Camelot for good.
Boomstick: And this time, he took care to have both an actual plan and an army to back him up. Although these guys look a bit weak and kind of unfit for combat.
Wiz: Sure, but he had a way to fix that too! He had bought a magical elixir from witches, which allows people to permanently fuse themselves with their weapons and mutate into horrifying abominations.
Boomstick: Thus he created... The mechanical men! ...And Bladebeak, who's a chicken fused with an axe.
Wiz: The mechanical men are superhumanly strong, able to toss people around easily, and are also pretty much invulnerable. For instance, one of them was hit directly in the face with a sword blade... And it was the sword that broke.
Boomstick: And that chicken, Bladebeak? Welp, turns out he's far more brave and loyal than you'd expect for a chicken and changes sides eventually. But even being attacked by an axe-beaked bird doesn't actually hurts Ruber's henchmen.
Wiz: Let's make this clear. Bladebeak has received that name for a reason. His beak is sharp enough to effortlessly cut through wood. Yet it leaves no scratch on those which have been mutated by the elixir, even as he attacks them repeatedly.
Boomstick: So, looks like Ruber got some solid back-up on his team this time. And that's not to mention his pet griffin; a lion-sized flying beast with sharp talons who... Is also an intellectual?
Griffin: Precisely, Master.
Wiz: The griffin is indeed both an intelligent and fierce creature. And he will attack anyone that Ruber orders him to.
Boomstick: So, mythological pet? Check. Mutated monstrosities? Check. Magical elixir? Check. What's the plan now?
Wiz: To visit Juliana, the widow of the guy Ruber had killed and...
Boomstick: Oh, I think I know where this is going.
Boomstick: He'll try to marry her, right? Villains usually do this kind of thing.
Wiz: No. He will hold her daughter hostage and force her to open the gates of Camelot so he can infiltrate there and catch the king off-guard, alone, after having successfully sent the griffin to steal Excalibur and wound Arthur to boost.
Boomstick: Jesus Christ, that's a good plan! A vast improvement over the first one. He must have taken some kind of evil-scheming course during his exile.
Wiz: And the plan almost worked too. Of course, they had a little setback when the griffin was attacked mid-air by Merlin's falcon and lost Excalibur, which fell somewhere into the magical forest.
Boomtick: So, Juliana's daughter, Kayley, went after it. Along with the falcon, a blind guy, and a pythonesque two-headed dragon.
Wiz: And Ruber went after her, with his, uh... Boar-riding minions? Boomstick, aren't these boars too small to carry these guys?
Boomstick: Who cares about the boars, Wiz?! Look at his lunatic eyes! Just look at him. Seriously, how did Arthur fail to notice that this guy was evil in first place?!
Wiz: Alright, now, you might be wandering; 'we can see that he's evil, but... Is he tough? Strong? Supernaturally gifted?' The answers are yes, yes and probably.
Boomstick: Ruber has defeated numerous knights at once; survived being crushed by a stone-made giant ogre; picked up flaming red-hot coal with his bare hand unscathed, and... Oh, let's not forget... PUNCHED A FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON IN THE FACE AND KILLED IT!
Wiz: He killed... A dragon. Bare-handed.
Boomstick: And all of that was before he took on the potion. You know, the one we've already established as making you immune to swords and axes?
Wiz: When Ruber finally got his hands on Excalibur, he decided that he would hold the king's sword forever, and never separate from it.
Boomstick: So, what do you get when you fuse a brute who punches dragons to death bare-handed with the most powerful weapon in Medieval history?
(Ruber laughs maniacally as the elixir mutates him, then realizes the fire is burning him).
Ruber: Ah, ah! It's hot!
Wiz: So... We've established that Ruber is tough. But does he have any weaknesses?
Boomstick: All in all, to put it in perspective, I believe we can safely say that he's crazy.
Wiz: And unwisely overconfident.
Boomstick: Also crazy.
Wiz: The way Kayley ultimately managed to defeat him exemplifies that perfectly.
Boomstick: The guy didn't pay attention to what was immediately behind his target. That's, like, the fourth rule of gun safety and... Maybe, sword safety? I guess.
Wiz: Still, if it wasn't for that one mistake, he would have conquered the kingdom. Which is pretty impressive.
Boomstick: Sanity-challenged or not, Ruber is a legitimately dangerous, fierce and virtually unstoppable villain.
Juliana: You're mad!
Ruber: I'm so glad you noticed. I've been working at it for years!
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
Asterix and his British cousin Anticlimax are camping over a small fire in a dark British moor at night.
Asterix: What do they say about this moor again, Anticlimax?
Anticlimax: Why, cousin old chap, they say that in this moor, there's no time, only eternity.
Asterix: Huh... So that means we could meet people from other time periods here?
Anticlimax: Well, to be sure, I say, these are only stories, what.
Asterix: I find them intriguing, though. You Britons seem to have a knack for this kind of tale, don't you?
Anticlimax: Why, indeed, you should hear some of our jolly old tales about the time-traveling druid who lives in a wooden blue box.
Asterix: Sounds interesting.
Obelix arrives with a pile of dead boars, the kind Ruber's troops use as mounts,
Obelix: I got dinner!
Asterix: Where did you find these boars, Obelix?
Obelix: Oh, those fellows were riding them for some reason. I just excused myself and took them.
Obelix casually points to three of Ruber's mechanical men, all approaching menacingly. Asterix and Anticlimax stand up and get their weapons ready. Ruber himself arrives.
Ruber: What's going on?
Ruber sees the dead boars and is infuriated. He orders the mechanical men to attack.
Ruber: Seize them!
Asterix drinks from the magic potion.
Anticlimax: I say, may I have a sip too, old chap? If you please?
Asterix tosses the potion to Anticlimax so he can drink too. Obelix, meanwhile, is already delivering punches. While Obelix and Anticlimax fight off the mechanical men, Asterix charges at Ruber himself and punches him hard in the chest, sending him flying dozens of meters into the forest and landing on a tree branch. Ruber is astonished.
Ruber: What kind of man has such strength?
In spite of that, Ruber jumps back to ground and runs towards Asterix again screaming like a maniac.
Asterix: Well, you're the stubborn type, are you?
Ruber raises his right arm, which has been fused with Excalibur. Asterix is surprised to see he has a sword in place of his right hand, but is too busy dodging Ruber's attacks to think about it.
Ruber: Stand still and fight, coward!
Asterix: If you insist!
Asterix strikes Ruber on the chin and sends him flying upwards. By the time he falls down, Asterix has unsheathed his own sword and the two briefly engage in sword combat.
However, when Asterix hits Excalibur, a wave of magic emanates from it and sends the Gaulish warrior flying away, right into a tree. Asterix is dazzled from the hit. Ruber runs towards him and impales the tree with Excalibur, almost killing Asterix in the process. Asterix barely ducks in time.
When Ruber pulls Excalibur out from the tree trunk, Asterix uproots the tree itself and strikes Ruber with it. Ruber raises himself and barely ducks from an incoming menhir that Obelix had thrown, which hits one of the mechanical soldiers nearby.
Ruber: These foreigners are crazy...
Ruber and Asterix return to their sword duel. Asterix struggles visibly as Ruber delivers a precise strike and breaks Asterix's sword in half, then laughs maniacally. He points Excalibur at Asterix's throat and is about to finish him off, but the Gaul runs away into the dark woods.
Ruber whistles and calls griffin.
Griffin: Yes, master?!
Ruber: You mythological mook, find him immediately!
Griffin: With "him", does master refer to the little blond man of indeterminate age whom master was dueling with?
Ruber: Who else you demented beast?!
Griffin: Right away, master!
Asterix is running through the woods under the moonlight and stops to think of a way to defeat Ruber. Suddenly, he sees the griffin diving from above the night sky and attacking him.
Asterix jumps out of the way, grabs the griffin by its tail and swirls him around before tossing him away. After this, he notices that his winged helmet fell off.
Asterix: Oh, my helmet.
While Asterix is busy retrieving his helmet, the griffin unexpectedly comes back and swoops Asterix, taking him along as he flies higher and higher into the night sky.
Asterix struggles and starts hitting the griffin, but notices that they're high up in the atmosphere by this point.
Asterix: By Tutatis! I should stop fighting this monster or I might fall down.
The griffin is thankful for that.
Griffin: Indeed, we both might.
Asterix: You can talk!
Meanwhile, Obelix and Anticlimax continue to fight the mechanical men and Ruber has joined his soldiers against the duo. Obelix grabs one of the mechanical men and holds him still with one hand while slapping him repeatedly with the other.
Obelix: I'll teach you a lesson. Boars are for eating, not for riding, is that clear?
Ruber tries to stab Obelix from behind, but Obelix turns around, hits him with the mechanical man and tosses both of them away in the direction of a cave. Ruber gets up and sees the griffin flying high in the air, trying to get rid of Asterix. Suddenly, an enraged dragon emerges from the cave and charges at Ruber, who merely grunts and prepares to punch the reptile.
The scene cuts once again to Asterix, who manages to get on the backside of the griffin and is riding the beast like a bull while the griffin struggles to get rid of him.
A growl is heard from below. Suddenly, Ruber appears riding a dragon who spits fire at the direction of Asterix. The Gaul pulls the griffin out of the way as if riding a horse.
The dragon carrying Ruber and the griffin carrying Asterix chase each other through the sky while doing several maneuvers to get rid of their respective riders. The scene is reminiscent of a WWI aerial combat between two enemy planes.
The two beasts fly over a British lake and both Asterix and Ruber fall off into the water. Asterix emerges soon, but Ruber struggles to remain on the surface.
Asterix: Not easy to swim with that armor and that sword, is it?
Asterix mocks Ruber by swimming rapidly in circles around him. Ruber is furious.
Asterix: Let me help you with that.
Asterix kicks Ruber out of the water and the treacherous knight lands on the shore, disoriented. Asterix runs towards him and they exchange blows.
Ruber swings Excalibur around, trying to decapitate his opponent, but Asterix is too fast. Finally, Ruber manages to grab him by his shirt and raise the short man in the air, ready to finish him off. Asterix bites Ruber's arm. Ruber screams and furiously throws Asterix away.
Asterix flies several yards and hits a rock formation. He seems to be knocked out. Ruber smiles and comes nearer.
Asterix opens his eye just a little, revealing that he's conscious. Ruber prepares to strike him, but at the last second, Asterix rolls out of the way and Excalibur hits the ground instead. Ruber pulls it off, but in the meantime, Asterix is already far away and throws several smaller rocks and other objects at Ruber's direction.
Ruber uses Excalibur, cutting through some the incoming projectiles and redirecting others with its magic. Until Asterix throws a boulder so big that it just crushes Ruber underneath it.
Asterix: I believe that takes care of you. ...Now, I wonder how Obelix and Anticlimax are doing.
He hears Obelix's voice calling
Asterix looks around, but it's too dark to see. Then Obelix and Anticlimax arrive.
Asterix: Hey, Obelix, what happened to those guys you were fighting?
Obelix: They packed their stuff and ran away screaming. These people have no sense of sportsmanship.
Anticlimax: Why, the griffin flied away too, I say. A jolly good show that was, what!
At this point, Asterix hears a noise, turns back and is surprised to see the boulder moving. Ruber emerges from under the rock, but as he stands, he notices that Excalibur is stuck in it. Still, Ruber manages to hold enough strength to lift the entire boulder with his sword. He approaches menacingly, intending to crush Asterix with it.
Asterix warns his companions.
Asterix: Look out!
When Ruber is about to strike, Asterix once again dodges the attack and strikes first, sending Ruber flying away over the lake with Excalibur still stuck in the boulder.
As he falls in the water, the boulder sinks and Ruber is stuck on it and looks around desperately.
From the shore, Asterix, Obelix and Anticlimax observe the lake, but the night is getting darker still and they can't see much.
Asterix: Where did that guy fall?
Anticlimax: Say, I can't see him, what.
Under the faint moonlight, bubbles emerge on the lake's surface, signalling the place where Ruber fell into the water and is now drowning, but the three warriors can't see it.
Obelix: That guy will have to let go of the sword if he wants to get out of the lake.
Asterix: If he has enough sense to do it. Say, Anticlimax, what's the name of this lake anyway?
Anticlimax: Why, Asterix, old chap, this is called the Lady's Lake, I say, because it's inhabited by a certain sorceress fairy, who also seems to have a curious affinity for swords.
Obelix: Maybe she will retrieve the sword and give it to someone, someday.
Asterix: Don't be silly, Obelix, the sword is stuck to a rock now. Who would be able to pull it out from it? Let's go cook those boars, this whole thing made me hungry.
Over the dark lake, the bubbles stop surfacing, signalling that Ruber has drowned.
Boomstick: Well, looks like the French beat up the British this time. A reversed Waterloo. And now Ruber has water looming all over him.
Wiz: This fight had the potential to go either way, actually. Ruber's strength and endurance did catch Asterix off-guard.
Boomstick: I mean, he's used to knocking out people with a single punch. He never actually had to fight someone like Ruber, who kills dragons bare-handed. Besides, Ruber was clearly more skilled in sword combat, and held the superior blade.
Wiz: So how did Asterix come out on top? Well, one of the reasons is that the stats do favor him. He's still stronger, faster and, in some ways, smarter than Ruber.
Boomstick: Ruber is a schemer. But Asterix is an improviser.
Wiz: And while both characters are short-tempered, this never caused trouble for Asterix. If anything, when Asterix gets angry he becomes more determined.
Boomstick: But when Ruber gets angry, he loses sight of what's going on, which, in the movie, led to his last fatal mistake.
Wiz: Finally, it's also true that the potion made Ruber impervious to most kinds of physical attacks. But no matter how tough you are, you can still be tossed around.
Boomstick: And sending people flying hundreds of yards away is kind of Asterix's thing, really. He just had to keep doing it while waiting for the opportunity to finish Ruber for good.
Wiz: Now, I'm sure many people are asking themselves if Ruber could have won if he just kept himself off the way and sent minions to keep Asterix busy while waiting for the potion's effects to wear off. And it wouldn't be out of place for someone like Ruber to do so.
Boomstick: If he knew he could do it! The thing is, though: even if Ruber noticed that Asterix's strength came from the potion, and could correctly guess that the potion's effect was temporary...
Wiz: ...Which is itself doubtful, considering that potions in Ruber's universe don't wear off naturally.
Boomstick: Even then, Ruber could never have any way of knowing how long the effect of Asterix's potion would last. As far as he was concerned, Asterix could have remained super-powered for days, even weeks! Heck, Obelix's super strength was permanent. How could he be sure that Asterix's wasn't?
Wiz: At the end, fighting Ruber was a challenge to Asterix. But as with most challenges, he was skilled enough to handle it.
Boomstick: Ruber's confidence sunk, and so did the rest of him.
Wiz: The winner is Asterix.
Boomstick: Next time on Death Battle...