| Ass Blaster (Tremors) vs. Velociraptor (Jurassic Park) | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Season 4, Episode 11 | |
| Air date | December 26, 2019 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Marinette vs. The Marionette |
Next Cthulhu vs. Melkor |
Ass Blaster (Tremors) vs. Velociraptor (Jurassic Park) is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features the Ass Blaster from the Tremors media franchise, and the Velociraptor from Jurassic Park media franchise.
Description[]
It’s the Devonian vs. the Jurassic when we pit the Ass Blaster against the Velociraptor in a monster fight to the death!
Interlude[]
Boomstick: It just wouldn’t be a proper movie, if it didn’t have a group of people running in terror from a monster that’s preparing to turn them into the main ingredient of a pu pu platter.
Wiz: One of the monsters we see pursuing the fleeing people is the ass blaster from the Tremors media franchise.
Boomstick: And the other is the velocoraptor from the Jurassic Park media franchise.
Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.
Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Ass Blaster[]
Wiz: About 400 millions years ago, during the Devonian Period, most dry land on the planet Earth was congregated in the supercontinent called Gondwana.
Boomstick: And, believe me you would not Gondwana go there.
Wiz: That very long ago, life on Earth was much different than it is today. The Period ended with the Late Devonian Extinction, one of the “big five” extinction events, during which 19% of all families and 50% of all genera became extinct.
Boomstick: And, one of the species that became extinct was the graboid, Graboid Graboidicus...I guess.
Wiz: The graboid is a unique creature in terrestrial evolution in that it had three distinct stages and morphologies in its reproductive/life cycle.
Boomstick: The first stage is the longest-lived and it is just called the graboid, or the Dirt Devil. These humongous killer worms could swim through soil like a fish swims through water, and it hunted by detecting vibrations in the ground around it.
Wiz: When a graboid reached the end of its life, it would internally generate a number of shriekers as the second stage in its cycle. These two-legged creatures hunted by the use of organs that sensed infrared radiation and its powerful jaws had a tremendous bite-force. Packs of shriekers roamed the land, and when they ate, they were able to asexually reproduce, quickly multiplying the size of the pack. It was fortunate that shriekers only stay in this form for 24 hours, because otherwise they would strip the land clear of all other animals.
Boomstick: But, after that 24 hours, the shriekers molted like a snake and became ass blasters, a really awesome name for a creature!
Wiz: The ass blaster was slightly larger that the shrieker it came from, and was every bit as voracious as it. But, the main thing that made it different was its short, fanlike wings.
Boomstick: And these allowed it to fly.
Wiz: Well, no, not exactly, the ass blaster was given its name because it secreted two different chemicals from its hindquarters that when mixed, were highly volatile, and would explode in air.
Boomstick: And, this explosion rocketed the monster into the air, leaving nothing but a hearty, "Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!” and a really bad smell. [Sniff.] I tell you, it’s a thing of beauty!
Wiz: But, the ass blaster can use its secretion for more than flying. It’s been known to use it to damage opponents, and even to melt metal obstructions, such as door that was similar to one on a bank vault.
Boomstick: That’s right, this creature’s flatus is...Well, let’s just say that it reminds me of Daddy Boomstick!
Wiz: But, this creature is more than a one-trick pony. It has large talons on the ends of its feet, and a mouth that seems to open up its entire head. Does that also sound like your father?
Boomstick: Yeah, watching him eat a whole fried chicken was a sight to behold.
Wiz: And it’s a powerful bight. The creature has used it to bight through the hood of a car, and even take bights out of the engine.
Boomstick: Wiz! I didn’t know you knew my father.
Wiz: The final surprise in the ass blaster’s bag of tricks is its ability to see in the infrared spectrum. This means that it can spot opponents by their body heat. And even if they try to hide in something, like a box or a house, once the structure heats up, the ass blaster will be able to see right where it’s hiding.
Boomstick: Yeah, like my Daddy, the ass blaster is a formidable opponent. Cross either at your peril!
Velociraptor[]
Wiz: About 108-115 millions years ago, during the early Cretaceous Period, the Earth was starting to look more like it does today.
Boomstick: Yeah, like today, if you look out your door and see lots of big assed dinosaurs stomping around.
Wiz: Well, I meant in terms of the continents, but it was a good deal warmer than today, with there being no polar ice caps. And, yes, there were in fact a lot of large dinosaurs.
Boomstick: This included all of the big stars: the Tyrannosaurus Rex, the Triceritops, and the Pteranodon.
Wiz: But another dinosaur hunting the Cretaceous plains was the Deinonychus. These carnivorous dinosaurs stood about six feet tall, and weighed in at over 300 pounds.
Boomstick: And you forgot the mention that they had a rather frightening mouthful of teeth and hunted in packs.
Wiz: Mistakenly referred to as “velociraptors,” these creatures were from the same family, the dromaeosaurids, but they were a great deal larger and more threatening.
Boomstick: Right, the real velociraptors were only about three feet tall and weighed in at no more than about 20-30 pounds. But, they were no joke. Imagine a pack of carnivorous turkeys charging in at you at high speed!
Wiz: The deinonychuses were about the same in temperament and style of hunting, but they were much larger, and could take down much larger prey. The imagination boggles at the thought of that.
Boomstick: These creatures were large and well armed, with claws on their hands and even larger claws on their feet. They also had a mouthful of serrated teeth, perfect for bighting pieces off of anything they fought.
Wiz: And the deinonychus was also a very capable runner, being clocked running at 60 miles per hour or about 96.5 kilometers per hour. This means that this creature can easily run twice as fast as an adult African lion.
Boomstick: And, another fun fact is that these dinosaurs are not stupid. They can improvise strategies while hunting, and can learn from experimentation to solve problems, such as how to turn a handle to open a door. This is a really bad thing, if you are trying to get away from them.
Wiz: And, they have an excellent sense of smell, which only works to make them even better hunters.
Boomstick: Yeah, these dinos are really formidable hunters, and if you don’t want to end up on the Jurassic menu, you’d better be either be fast, smart or a good fighter...or better yet, all three!
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight []
On a grassy savannah, on the Isla Sorna, a lone parasaurolophus stood eating leaves from a small copse of trees. While it chewed on its leafy repast, its saurian senses were alert for predators.
Suddenly, it detected something wrong. Its head turned from left to right, and then the creature turned its body around. Its eyes scanned the open areas, while its nose sniffed for the scent of any possible threat. It neither saw nor smelled anything out of the ordinary.
It took two heavy steps away from the trees, when it suddenly saw the ground begin to heave to its right. The parasaurolophus turned and began to run away from the strange phenomenon, its feet thundering across the grassland.
The animal ran on a zigzag course, its head looking over its shoulders for whatever it perceived to be chasing it.
Suddenly, the ground heaved underneath it, and the large jaws of a graboid seized hold of one of the parasaurolophus’s legs. The dinosaur screamed in terror, as the graboid pulled it down into the ground.
The screams continued as the dinosaur continued to be drawn down and down. Finally, the dirt closed over the creature, and the savannah went silent.
Weeks later, a herd of gallimimuses ranged across a field, their heads down as they took bites of the lush tropical plants. The members of the herd took turns standing watch; their heads turning left and right, looking for threats, while the rest of the herd went on eating.
The heads of the two guarding dinosaurs turned towards a copse of trees, when a small, bipedal creature stepped out into the sunlight. The gallimimuses didn’t recognize the smaller creature as an obvious threat, so they merely watched it.
The creature’s bulbous head swung towards the herd, and strange sensory organs lifted up from the head’s top. The creature let out a loud rattling, purring-like noise, causing more of the gallimimus herd to lift their head, and stare at the intruder.
Suddenly, the whole of the shrieker’s head seemed to open, and it emitted the loud shrieking noise that gave it its name.
Some of the gallimimuses began to step back, uncertain of what to make of the new intruder.
The shrieking noise multiplied as more, many more shriekers burst out of the trees, and began running towards the gallimimus herd. The dinosaurs turned in panic, and began to run.
The shrieker pack spread out, seeming to cover the open grassland with their numbers.
One-by-one, the shriekers overtook the gallimimuses, dragged them down, and began to devour them. Within a matter of minutes, the gallimimus herd was no more.
Burt Gummer leaped out of the Costa Rican military helicopter, walked clear of its whirling rotor blades, and stood upright. He had put on his khaki uniform, complete with red beret, white ascot and black gloves, knowing that it always was a good idea to impress the local authorities.
A Costa Rican major beckoned him over to where a tarpaulin had been thrown over something. When Burt stepped up to it, the major nodded to some soldiers, who pulled the tarp back to expose the decomposing remains of three shriekers.
Burt leaned down, waived away a swarm of flies, and examined the carcasses.
Finally, he stood up, brushed his hands off, and turned to the major.
“You’ve got a problem, Major,” he said, “a big one. What you have here on Isla Sorna is not just a dinosaur reserve, it’s now graboid territory.”
He lifted his binoculars, and scanned the horizon. Not looking at the men, he said, “and with all of the large lifeforms you have here, this is going to be Disneyland for the creatures.”
He lowered the binoculars, and looked into the major’s eyes. “Disneyland,” he repeated for emphasis.
The velociraptor crouched low, and surveyed its surroundings. There had been ten members of its pack, when they first encountered the flying ass blasters. There had been too many of the creatures to fight, so the velociraptors had tried to retreat. But, being able to fly, the ass blasters had succeeded in surrounding the velociraptors, and overwhelmed them with sheer numbers.
This one velociraptor was the sole survivor of its pack, and now it knew what it felt like to be the hunted, rather than the hunter. To be without the security of a pack left the creature disoriented and frightened.
The velociraptor ran along the ridge of a fold in the ground, its head swiveling left and right, looking for any threat.
The velociraptor had a split second to spot the flying ass blaster, before it caromed into it, sending it rolling down the slope of the ground.
FIGHT! []
The velociraptor leaped to its feet, and turned. The ass blaster had landed some twenty yards away. It turned to face the velociraptor, and roared at the creature.
The velociraptor flexed the claws on its forearms, and roared its defiance back at the ass blaster. It had been afraid of ass blasters before, when there had been so many of them, but now it felt great confidence.
The ass blaster shifted its weight from first one foot to the other, and then it crouched and wagged its tail. The velociraptor stared at it in amazement.
Suddenly, there was a strange gurgling noise, and an explosion ignited behind the ass blaster, rocketing it into the air.
The velociraptor saw the other creature flying at it, and instinctively dropped to the ground, flattening itself out. It felt the ass blaster fly over it, but when it leaped to its feet, its opponent was nowhere to be seen.
The velociraptor turned, and turned, and turned again, trying to not be caught by surprise again.
Instinct told the dinosaur that its hunter was not truly gone, so it began running as fast as it could towards a copse of trees.
Movement on the periphery of its vision caught its attention, but it had no more time than to turn before the ass blaster collided with it. Both creatures rolled along the ground, and then leaped to their feet.
The predators roared at each other, but when the velociraptor saw the ass blaster crouch, it realized that it had to move quickly.
The velociraptor used its powerful legs to leap at the surprised ass blaster, bowling it over with its superior weight.
The ass blaster struggled to pull itself out from under the velociraptor, but its smaller size, and lack of forelimbs allowed the velociraptor to keep a grip on it. Finally, the velociraptor shifted, and sank its rear claws into its opponent, locking its large middle claw down.
The velociraptor roared in triumph and brought its mouth down to bite its erstwhile attacker. The ass blaster brought its head up, and the velociraptor bit at the end of its nose. However, the bill of the creature was of a hard, bony material, and it found it could not damage it.
The raptor lifted its head up and studied its struggling prey. Then, it brought its head back down, and seized the graboid’s neck. A strange, metallic taste filled its mouth, but the velociraptor was determined to end this creature once and for all.
The ass blaster writhed in the dinosaur’s grip, trying to turn and bight back at its attacker.
Suddenly, the ass blaster shifted, bending its body almost into a ‘U.’ Then, the gurgling noise came from the graboid’s hind quarters, and it sprayed two streams of liquid at its attacker.
There was an explosion against the velociraptor, which nearly threw it off of its opponent. But, the dinosaur quickly perceived that it was on fire.
The velociraptor panicked, disconnecting from the ass blaster, and took off running as fast as it could.
Luckily, the dinosaur tripped in its flight, and rolled across the tall, green grass, putting out the flames. Seeing that it was close to the copse of trees, the creature ran into it, hoping that the boles of the trees would protect it from the flying ass blaster.
Peering out of the gloom, it saw the ass blaster charge up to the edge of the trees, and then stop. The creature looked from left to right, and then turned around, presenting its back. Again, it stamped its feet and wagged its tail. Then, it shot a stream of fluid from its nether regions against the trees, which burst into flames.
Seeing the wall of flames in front of it, the velociraptor turned, and ran from the trees as fast as it could.
Its flight across the ground ended when the ass blaster swooped out of the sky, and caromed into it, bowling the creature over.
Trembling from the pain of its burns, the velociraptor stumbled to its feet, and began to push up with its small forearms. Suddenly, the ass blaster’s bill closed on its neck, and squeezed.
The velociraptor jerked its legs, but it was over too quickly. The ass blaster’s bill cut through the dinosaur’s neck, and its head rolled across the rich grass, trailed by spurts of its life blood.
K.O.! []
Looking through the scope of his Barrett M82 rifle, Burt Gummer watched the end of the titanic battle.
“Damn,” he said quietly.
Results[]
Boomstick: Damn! That ass blaster has the meanest farts I have ever seen. Even worse than Uncle Stinky’s!
Wiz: Umm...OK. Anyway, the opponents in this battle were simply not that evenly matched. The velociraptor had the advantage in both speed and size, and it was definite more intelligent than its opponent, but it just wasn’t enough.
Boomstick: The ass blaster’s ability to fly meant that it could control the timing of the battle, flying out and flying back in at times of its choosing.
Wiz: And more, its ability to use its pyrotechnics as a weapon meant it could turn the velociraptor’s size advantage into a disadvantage, by spraying the velociraptor when it tried to pin him down, which was a favored velociraptor tactic.
Boomstick: And finally, while the velociraptor was generally stronger than the ass blaster, the ass blaster’s bill was so strong that it could bight through metal, damaging cars and even taking bights out of their engines! This meant that once it got its opponent in its mouth, it was going to cause some serious damage.
Wiz: The velociraptor is a formidable killing machine, but in this case it simply encountered something even more deadly than itself.
Boomstick: The winner is the creature with the atomic farts, the ass blaster!
Next Time[]
The fates of worlds are in the balance when gods war amongst themselves. Next time on Death Battle! we see the fate of Middle-earth hang in the balance when Cthulhu battles Melkor!