Description[]
Heroes aren't born or created. They're sweet and innocent chosen ones who live crappy lives involving demons, death and guns.
Intro[]
Wiz: The world of the supernatural can be... a little overwhelming at times.
Boomstick: But then there's those who're literally born to be overwhelmed!
Wiz: Ash Williams, the One who will destroy the Deadites, born of the Neconomicron!
Boomstick: An' Hellboy, the Great Beast of the Apocalypse!
Wiz: I am Wizard and he's Boomstick--
Boomstick: An' it's our job to find out who'd win, A DEATH BATTLE!
Ash Williams[]
DeathBattleMike
Wiz: What would you do if your friends took you to a... less than lovely cabin in the woods, only to find that monsters of some kind had been waiting for you?
Boomstick: I'd be drunk off ma' rear to care 'bout readin' some book. But not El Jefe here! Nah, read the book filled with blood inked pages that unleash ultimate evil! Sure, why not?!
Wiz: That book was the Neconmomicron Ex-Mortus, A.K.A., the book of the dead. That night, Ash Williams's friends and loved ones were turned into hideous zombie like creatures called the Deadites. Fortunately and unfortunately, Ash lived. But no one else did.
Boomstick: Then he became a one-handed, Deadite killin' psychopathic chainsaw weildin' hero we know him as today!
Wiz: Of course, that had involved the loss of his right hand and thus with the help of an archaeologist's daughter, he managed to create a chainsaw hand, capable of cutting through Deadites like a hot knife through butter.
Boomstick: Just so beautiful Wiz. It's just so beatiful... Especially 'is 12 gauge double barrel Remington, named Boomstick! Hey, just like me!
Wiz: Ash also has other weapons. Speaking of which, he has a lot of those artificial hands, but let's just pick five of them for fairness sakes.
Boomstick: Obviously, he's got the chainsaw hand. But there's also:
- The DIAMOND CHAINSAW, which can cut through COLD HARD STEEL!
- Ash's first prosthetic hand that can crush metal an' launch from his arm!
- A flamethrower arm that can also give Ash Moonshine!
- A psychotic puppet version o' Ash that's off the wall bonkers!
- He's even got one of Doctor Doom's Hands!
Wiz: That last one acts more like a repulsor beam than anything else. But yes, Ash's hand collection is nothing short of absolutely amazing in how many hands he even needs.
Boomstick: Who's talkin' 'bout needs? How about wants? Like how I want that awesome 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale!
Wiz: Do you want it before or after Ash fixes it up into something out of Mad Max?
Boomstick: After, cause this thing's awesome! It's got a giant fan, spikes an' was later refitted with a machine gun on the roof! Man, that car gets better an' better...
Wiz: With this car, Ash was able to tear through an army of the undead faster than entire army of thirteenth century knights could! Impressive, yes. Productive? Not when it crashes...
Boomstick: An' with all that awesomeness, Ash's gotta be pretty tough, right?
Wiz: Not really, he can get hurt pretty easily. Heck, when he first fought the Deadites, he twisted his ankle and got trapped under a bookcase. Also, he's quite literally one handed without a chainsaw. Also, that very same chainsaw is limited on fuel along with his firearm ammo.
Boomstick: But Wiz, Ash's got even more friggin' awesome weapons, like a fake Necronomicon that has a tiny black hole he himself got out of!
Wiz: The strength Ash must have had there was pretty astounding.
Boomstick: An' he's got the magic Kandarian Dagger, which causes a crap-ton o' pain fer when he's fightin' demonic bad guys, along with a magic stone that works just about the same as the Necronomicon!
Wiz: He even possesses a magic spell book to enhance his strength, access elemental powers, time travel and even take possession of other Deadites! Of course, when he himself isn't a Deadite.
Boomstick: Boy, ya don't wanna be around Ash when he's all Deadited up from absorbin' Deadite souls or ya know, gettin' possessed. He's:
- practically invincible,
- has superhuman strength,
- Can't feel pain,
- Shapeshift,
- An' he can't even be dismembered an' will just revert back to normal when the sun rises!
Wiz: Even if we don't count interactions with the Marvel Universe, Ash has heralded some truly amazing feats, including:
- Shoving a bowling ball down a Deadite's throat,
- Pulled himself out of a miniaturized Black Hole without help,
- Lifted a 200 pound rail spike to beat a Deadite to death,
- Dodged electricity,
- Survived a plane crash as if it were nothing,
- Had a hospital drop on top of him,
- Survived being in an ELECTRIC CHAIR,
- Got smashed through several fully grown trees,
- Defeated two of his evil twins,
- slaughtered hoards of Deadites,
- And on top of all that, he's fought Jason, Freddy, Michael, Special Ops, Xena Warrior Princess herself and the demon Kandar, who stands at a height of 600 feet while high on drugs!
Boomstick: Okay, Wiz. There's no way Ash beat all those guys, right?
Wiz: Weirdly, those are actually canon in this universe.
Boomstick: Holy crap.
Wiz: Indeed. But then again, how exactly is one suppose to live a normal life when you've been cursed to live such a life.
Boomstick: An' I'll tell ya what, if bein' Ash J. Williams is the price of this awesomeness, consider me one groovy guy!
Hellboy[]
Friendlysociopath
Boomstick: On Death Battle, we've covered our fair share of chosen ones who stop the end of the world, but what about one who starts the apocalypse?
Wiz: I think we've covered a few of those.
Boomstick: Name one!
Wiz: Raven from the Teen Titans.
Boomstick: Lucky guess.
Wiz: However, not as lucky was a certain witch.